


Voiceless Symphonies

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Series: Dumping Ground AU [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Blackmail, Child Abuse, Depression, Disabled Character, Eating Disorders, Epilepsy, F/F, F/M, Families of Choice, Forced Prostitution, Genderfluid Marquis de Lafayette, Homophobia, M/M, Suicide Attempt, add
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2018-11-03 08:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 83
Words: 221,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: Alexander Hamilton has been in the care system ever since his cousin hoisted a gun and turned it on himself. He’s seen enough pain, enough hungry nights and enough broken bones to want to vanish into nothing. He’s been hurt enough times he's hoped that someone might finally end it for him.Then he was brought to Yorktown, kicking and screaming.Suddenly he isn’t alone. He doesn’t get to break down, not when people are depending on him, he doesn’t get to run because he knows they’ll collapse. He doesn’t get to self-destruct because they’ll all be caught in the blast.Making a family is hard enough when you’re healthy. It’s even more painful when they’re broken.





	1. Dying is Easy

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes at the top here,  
> 1\. You have to have read Yorktown  
> 2.This gets ridiculous. I know. I'm just here to have fun  
> 3\. I used a headcanon for Theodosia I got from daily-hamilton-headcanons on tumblr (go check them out) she doesn't appear for a while tho  
> 4\. Should be updated 2-3 times a week (it's all written out so I just need to edit but I have no patience)  
> 5\. If anything from Yorktown squicks or triggers you then you might not want to read this. This fic has a lot of very sad bits (if you want specifics then message me here or on tumblr where I have the same username)  
> 6\. Enjoy!

When Alexander arrived at Yorktown he was fast asleep. That changed the moment Washington opened his door and stepped out. Alexander was awake in an instant and ready to run. The only thing that stopped him from bolting was the car door.

By the time his heart stopped pounding he had remembered where he was and why he was there. He glanced around and paused as he saw Washington walking around the car. Alexander opened the door on his own and stepped out cautiously, glancing around.

The house they’d pulled up to, presumably Yorktown, was enormous. They were in a small parking area, full of gravel and cut off from the main road by hedges. In the centre of the gravel was a small green island boasting a single tall tree whose upper branches were barely visible. But what immediately caught his eye was the building itself.

Most of it was lost to the trees and hedges but he could make out the edges of more of the building off in the distance. It was easily three stories and might be even bigger, he couldn’t quite make it out in the dark.

“It’s early so I doubt anyone will be awake.” Washington locked the car door as he spoke. He either ignored or didn’t notice Alexander’s small jump at his words. “I’ll show you to your room and we can talk more in the morning.” Alexander nodded jerkily and started walking across the gravel, trying to ignore how uncomfortable he was with Washington at his back.

“How many other kids are here?” Alexander asked, staring at the house.

“At the moment there are seven, eight including you. The youngest is twelve and the eldest is seventeen. They’re sisters actually.”

“What are the other children like?”

“They’re very bright.” As he spoke Washington opened the door and was immediately hit with the sounds of screams. “Stay here.” He commanded before running up the stairs. Alexander stayed rooted to the spot as he heard the screaming continue. It sounded like a boy and from what Washington had told him the boy had to be his own age.

He thought.

He wasn’t really sure. He didn’t know how old _he_ was after all.

“Hello.”

Alexander whipped around at the noise, staring at the door which had creaked open while he was lost in his thoughts.

“Who the fuck are you?” Alexander spat out. The voice laughed back and stepped forwards. It was a boy with thick black curls cascading across his shoulders. He leant against the door fame, examining Alexander as if he was a bug under a microscope. Alexander didn’t like it.

“Thomas Jefferson.” Jefferson extended a hand and Alexander tentatively took it, shaking it once before dropping it.

“Who’s screaming?”

“James.” Jefferson looked as if he honestly didn’t care about the answer and that made something in Alexander prickle. Someone that Jefferson knew was screaming and he didn’t even care.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Night terror. Or he needs to go back to hospital, who knows?” Jefferson sighed before pulling himself off the frame and slinking over to stand in front of Alexander. “You didn’t tell me your name.”

“Looks like I didn’t.” Alexander spat out. “Why would he need the hospital?”

“There is _no_ need to be so testy.” Jefferson grinned as he spoke and Alexander could feel his skin begin to crawl.

“Your friend is screaming and you don’t seem to give a fuck. I think there’s a damn good reason to be testy.”

“Well, if you put it like that.” Jefferson sighed, almost theatrically, before continuing. “James is ill a lot. Something left over from his childhood. Now that I’ve introduced him, do I get a name?”

“Alexander Hamilton.” Alexander spat out. He didn’t want to give this boy anything. He wanted to have never met the boy. Jefferson smiled at the name as if he’d won some kind of contest.

“Alexander Hamilton.” He seemed to toy with the name, turning it over on his tongue. “It looks like you’ll fit in just perfect.”

“What’s that meant to mean?” Alexander spat out, striding past Jefferson. He wanted the conversation over but apparently Jefferson didn’t get the hint.

“Well, where to start?” Jefferson glanced up and down Alexander who bristled. “Not exactly stylish.”

“This coming from someone wearing purple fucking pyjamas.” Alexander spat back. Jefferson chuckled at that, as if he didn’t notice how angry Alexander was getting.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Before Alexander could respond he began to cough. He leant against the wall and turned away from Jefferson as he continued to cough. It felt like he was about to hack up a lung. Alexander felt a hand on his shoulder and he whirled around, pushing it back.

Jefferson was staring at him with an indescribable expression.

“Breathe.” Jefferson said softly.

“Fuck off.” Alexander rasped out. He forced himself to stand and keep on sucking in ragged breaths. Jefferson scoffed and stepped backwards.

“Well aren’t you charming?”

Alexander strode past Jefferson to the stairs. Jefferson followed him with that same indescribable expression on his face.

“As I said, where do you think you’re going?”

“To my room.” Alexander gritted out.

“And where would that be again?”

Alexander opened his mouth to respond before stopping. He twisted on his heel and was all too happy when Jefferson nearly slammed into him.

“Where is my room?”

“Aren’t you going to say please?”

“Where’s my room?”

“Now, now Allie. In Yorktown we pride ourselves on our manners. Now say please.” Jefferson stressed that last word, still smirking. Alexander was seething by then, wanting nothing more than to punch that self-satisfied grin off Jefferson’s face.

“Go to hell.” Alexander spat out. He spotted the stairs and started walking up, pausing for a moment. “Please.” Jefferson’s laughter followed Alexander up the stairs, the boy deciding to stay at the bottom. But the fact that Jefferson himself didn’t follow didn’t do anything to calm Alexander down.

He strode up the stairs and then paused when he got to the landing, breathing deeply. When he had his breath back he looked around, wondering where the hell he was meant to go next. But then again, Alexander reasoned, if Jefferson had known where he was going to be staying then the rest of the people probably would as well.

The screaming had died down at some point and the silence was beginning to press on him, only slightly abated by his anger. He walked towards one of the doors and knocked on it.

Almost immediately it opened to a girl with dark skin and a worried face. When she spotted Alexander she frowned, instantly on guard.

“Who are you?”

“Alexander Hamilton. I’m new here. Washington had to rush off. Do you know where my room is likely to be? Also, who are you?”

“I’m Angelica. Are you-” Angelica frowned, staring at the boy in front of him before sighing. “Come with me.” Alexander frowned but followed her as she walked down the hallway.

“Is Jefferson always that bad? I mean, I don’t know if he is or if it’s just because it’s late at night and I’m new or if it’s actually just something about him.”

“Jefferson always gives the new kid a hard time. Don’t worry about that.” Angelica walked up another flight of stairs and paused for a moment longer. “Was he downstairs?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“He normally stays in his room when James has a night terror.”

“He gets them often?”

“Sometimes. It’s-” Angelica shrugged. “As a tip, get yourself a way of coping with whatever shit you’ve been through. We can’t handle more people with nightmares.”

“Most of the people here have nightmares?” Alexander knew that his own nightmares wouldn’t wake up the house. They tended to be quiet enough. Angelica nodded.

“I don’t know what spiel Washington gave you but this is Yorktown Alexander. It’s- this is where the broken people go when the rest of the world figures out that we’re broken.”

“Well that sounds ominous.” Alexander smiled slightly and was pleased as Angelica did the same.

“It’s true.” Angelica continued walking up the stairs and paused, glancing around the rooms. “Come in here.” Alexander followed and paused. It was a bedroom with a single bed, a wardrobe, a bookcase, a desk and a chair. “There’s a shower at the end of the hall. You probably want to use it.” Alexander shifted slightly at that but Angelica didn’t seem to be judging him, just informing him of something he knew all too well.

“I don’t have a towel.”

“There’s one in there. Do you have a change of clothes?”

“Yes.” Alexander didn’t bother telling her that it was just as filthy as this pair. As long as he had warm water he could wash them out.

“There’s a store of them downstairs but I need to get back to Eliza.”

“Eliza?”

“My sister.” Something hardened in Angelica as she said that, shifting ever so slightly as if ready to attack.

“Why do you need to get back to her?”

“She doesn’t like people yelling.”

“Why?” Alexander asked, pretty sure he knew the answer. Angelica just scoffed at that.

“See you in the morning Alexander.” With that she was gone, closing the door behind her.

Alexander glanced around the room for a moment before pulling his rucksack off and rifling through it to get to the pair of clothes at the bottom. He raised them to his nose and winced slightly at the smell. Definitely needed to wash them.

So he stood and walked out the room, pausing for a moment in indecision. Should he leave his bag behind?

No.

“Never leave it behind dumbass.” Alexander whispered to himself, grabbing it and racing across the corridor until he got to the door helpfully labelled as the bathroom. He slipped inside and found, to his relief, a lock on the door. It was almost inevitable that someone would be able to break it down but that was probably the point.

Anyway, even if someone did then he could still run and could run faster than most people he knew.

He stepped under the shower and was actually surprised when it didn’t freeze him. It wasn’t anywhere near warm but it wasn’t too bad. He wanted to stay under it for so long but he pulled himself out after only a few minutes. If he had to run he really didn’t want to do it naked.

Alexander contemplated washing the clothes he’d just taken off in the shower but found he just didn’t have the energy. He pulled on the slightly newer ones and slumped back into the room Angelica had shown him to. He then curled up on the too clean sheets and ignored how dirty he felt against them.

He wasn’t the one who asked to be taken to this place.

 

When morning came Alexander was legitimately surprised to find himself still in the same bed. He’d expected someone to wake him, to force him from the warm bed and towards- he didn’t know. He had no idea what could be waiting for him. That terrified him.

As he slipped out of his bed he hesitated. He had no real idea what time it was. The sky was still dark outside with a faint tinge of light but he also didn’t know what time these people woke up. Alexander paused before he decided. If they didn’t want him awake this early then they should have told him.

By the time he reached the ground floor he knew he was muttering to himself again, a habit he’d got into during those long nights where nothing was enough to stop the silence because there was no way he could have slept.

As he forced himself to stop, couldn’t have them figuring out how insane he was just yet, he realised that there was already noise in the house.

Alexander followed the noise and entered into a room which was packed full. He could see six kids there, all about his own age. As he walked in, silence fell over the room and Alexander glared at each of them. After a moment he stepped further into the room and took a seat, ignoring the stares.

He felt the cough building up at the back of his throat and turned his head to the side.

“Are you the new kid Angie was talking about?”

Alexander looked up at the voice to see a girl with long brown hair and a nervous smile on her face.

“Yeah. Who are you?”

“I’m Eliza.” The girl smiled after that and Alexander shifted slightly, knowing that every eye in the room was on him.

“I’m Alexander Hamilton.”

“Sounds like a bit of a mouthful.”

“Could have been worse.” Alexander shrugged and Eliza slipped into the seat next to him.

“How long are you staying here?”

“Until they kick me out I guess.” Alexander tried to ignore how everyone was still staring at him, how the talking had dropped off into nothing. “A month or two?”

“It takes that long for people to get bored of you?” Alexander began to bristle again as he heard Jefferson’s voice. The boy was leaning back in his chair, munching on a slice of toast. The boy next to him glanced at Jefferson with a look of resignation.

“Thomas, sois gentil.” The boy, who bore a striking resemblance to Jefferson, muttered. At the words Alexander perked up slightly.

“Tu parle français?”

“Oui.” The boy smiled slightly at that. “Bonjour, je m’appelle Lafayette. Connaissez-vous bien le français?”

“Je parle-” Before Alexander could finish Jefferson interrupted.

“It is _far_ too early for French.” Jefferson glanced at Lafayette, as if conveying just how exhausted he was.

“Too early to speak it or to learn it?” Alexander spat out. Jefferson raised an eyebrow and sighed before responding.

“On m'a appris le français à un très jeune âge. Je peux parler français parfaitement. Just because I know it doesn’t mean I want to speak it at this ungodly hour.” Alexander didn’t quite know what to say to that so he just turned to the last two people at the table he didn’t know.

One of them was a boy with dark skin and a closely cut, almost shaved head. He hadn’t said anything, just watched as it unfolded. As Alexander looked at him he smiled genially.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Aaron Burr.” Burr replied, still smiling ever so slightly. He gestured to the girl next to him who was slumped down in her chair, holding her head. “This Peggy.”

“Is something wrong with her?”

“No,” Eliza replied, biting her lip slightly. “Peggy’s not really a morning person.”

“Does everyone normally get up at this time?”

“No but no-one really got any sleep last night so…” Eliza trailed off, as if she didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

“James, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is he?”

“He normally takes a bit of time to come down after nights like that.” Eliza didn’t say anything more and Alexander had the distinct feeling that that was the end of the conversation. The rest of the table seemed to agree as they slowly lapsed into their own conversations. Alexander glanced at Lafayette curiously.

“Laf caught your eye?” Angelica asked, sinking into the seat next to Alexander. He rolled his eyes at her while she just grinned back. “Careful, Jefferson might attack you.”

“Mon ami,” Lafayette started, chidingly. “Jefferson et moi ne sommes pas amoureux.”

“Gil,” Jefferson turned his head, that same spoilt, pleading look on his face. “Do try English.”

“He can speak whatever he wants!” Alexander spat out, glaring at Jefferson. Jefferson glanced at him, as if surprised by being interrupted.

“I know he _can_ , I’m asking him not to.” Jefferson shrugged. “As long as that isn’t too difficult for you to understand.”

“Thomas, do not pick fights.” Lafayette’s voice was still thick with a French accent but now he seemed to be making a conscious effort to speak English, pausing before speaking. “Alexander, thank you for your help but I do not need it. Thomas means not badly.”

“Thomas means well.” Jefferson corrected, leaning for another bit of toast.

“Oui.” Lafayette inclined his head. “He means well.”

“Were you born in France?” Alexander asked, having now decided once and for all that he hated Jefferson. Maybe it was a bit premature but he didn’t care.

“Oui. My entire family is French. I moved to America while still en enfant. I-”

“A child.” Jefferson pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, as if he wasn’t even noticing that he was correcting Lafayette.

“Oui. I was a child.”

“What about douche canoe over there?” Alexander growled out. Angelica stifled a laugh at that but Lafayette looked almost horrified.

“Non, non mon ami. Jefferson is-”

“I’ve been in Yorktown about ten months now.” Jefferson put the rest of his toast on the plate as he spoke and pushed it away before locking eyes with Alexander, as if challenging him to respond.

“And when did you figure out that you get off on being a racist asshole? Everyone understands what Lafayette’s saying. You don’t need to correct him on everything!” Alexander was nearly spitting and Jefferson actually looked almost impressed.

“Did you just call me racist?”

“I call things how I see them.” As Alexander spoke he was aware that the table was staring at him again, that it was silent and once more there was that itch in the back of his head, egging him to say something. “Right now I see you as a racist asshole with no damn idea how difficult it is to move to a different country if you don’t speak that language perfectly! It’s difficult enough without people like you feeling compelled to correct them all the time!”

“Well aren’t you interesting.”

“What the hell is that meant to mean?” Alexander spat out. Jefferson just shrugged, as if he couldn’t bring himself to care about the conversation.

“So where did you come from?”

“None of your goddamn business!”

“It was merely a question.” Jefferson chuckled after that. “I’m not racist.”

“Could’ve fucking fooled me.”

“I think I could fool you about a lot of things.”

“What is that meant to be?” Alexander was on his feet before he even noticed, glaring across the table at Jefferson.

“You’ve not even been here for twelve hours and you’re already picking fights.” Jefferson stretched slightly before standing, every movement filled with a grace that Alexander couldn’t explain. “And you chose to fight with me?”

“I choose to fight anyone who hurts other people for no reason!” Alexander took a step forwards and Jefferson mirrored it.

At that moment Alexander couldn’t even see the other people in the room, all he could see was Jefferson. Jefferson on the other hand was still relaxed, examining Alexander as the smaller boy seemed to almost vibrate with anger.

“I suggest you don’t. Until you hit puberty anyway. Or grow a couple inches.”

“You-” Alexander strode forwards, anger threatening to overcome him. In that moment he just wanted to punch that stupid grin off Jefferson’s face.

“Hamilton!” Washington barked out and Alexander whirled around to see the man standing in the doorway. “A word?” Alexander gave one last glare to Jefferson before he nodded and stalked out of the room towards Washington.

“See you later, dearie!” Jefferson called after him. Alexander didn’t pause, just continued to walk, driving his finger nails into his palms. He was going to punch Jefferson at some point.

“Thomas,” Lafayette said, frowning at Jefferson. “Ne soyez-”

“English, Gil.” Jefferson reminded him. Lafayette sighed before nodding. “You’re the one who wants to relearn it, remember?”

“Of course I do.” Lafayette smiled briefly at that before his eyes fell back to his plate. The rest of the table avoided staring at the pair as Jefferson leaned closer.

“Don’t let him get you down, Gil. You’re doing good. I promise.”

 

“What was that?” Washington asked, inclining his head towards the room they had just exited.

“Jefferson was correcting Lafayette. That’s not okay. Just because he doesn’t speak fluent English doesn’t mean that someone else should pick up on his every mistake! The fact that he can speak two languages is impressive on its own and the fact that he messes up a couple words doesn’t make him any less of a person and Jefferson doesn’t have the right to correct him just because he wants to!”

“Son,” Washington sighed. “That’s not why Jefferson’s doing it.”

“Why else would he do it? It’s just some sort of messed up way to feel superior! I’ve met people like him before and I have _not_ been afraid to prove them wrong! If you think that was bad then-”

“I am well aware of your history.” Washington’s tone had suddenly turned cold and Alexander paused. “CPS has given me your file. I am well aware of the number of times that you have been removed from homes because of fights. That is not tolerated here.” Alexander scoffed at that, shaking his head.

“Bullshit.” He spat out. “No-one’s going to kick me out of here. They know I’ll go back to the street and you don’t get to do that to kids. This is the last place I go. There’s nowhere else you get to shove me.”

“That doesn’t mean you can do anything you want to.” Washington’s tone was dangerous and Alexander just glared back at him. Washington didn’t seem to be someone who would hit a child but Alexander had met more than enough people that didn’t look like they hit children until it was far too late to stop them hurting him.

“I know but I will not stand for anyone doing the stuff that Jefferson’s done. It’s not right and I don’t care what you do to me. I’m not going to back down.”

“Alexander, you’ve been here a matter of hours and you’ve already managed to have a shouting match with Thomas. I suggest that you find some way of reconciling with him over the next few days because, as you said, you have no-where else to go. This is where you’ll be spending the next few years. Do you really want to have Jefferson as an enemy for all that time?”

“No sir.” Alexander half grunted out and Washington nodded.

“I won’t ask you to apologise to him now but I think you should, sooner rather than later. Now then, I know that you want some time to get used to this place but I need to know if you want to go to school today.”

“School?” Alexander asked in astonishment. “I haven’t been to school in-” He paused, trying to think. After a moment he just shrugged and Washington sighed.

“I thought that was the case. While you’re here you will attend school but I understand if you want to stay here for today.”

“No I- I want to go.”

“Okay. Come with me.” Washington turned to walk off and Alexander followed. “We weren’t expecting you but we have a stash of clothes which should do you fine until we can put in an order for more clothes.”

“What, no shopping montage?” Alexander scoffed.

“The state doesn’t agree with shopping sprees. We’ll get you the clothes you need online, it’s just easier.”

“Okay.”

“I think you’ll fit in here son, you just have to try.”

“Why do you think I’ll fit in?”

“You stood up for Lafayette even when you didn’t have to. Unfortunately there are more than enough people here willing to pick fights they do not need to fight. As much as it tries to not be, Yorktown is a family and-”

“Let’s get one thing clear. I’m not part of your fucking pity family.” Alexander growled out. Washington just smiled gently at that. “And I never will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanart from my amazing readers
> 
> Spoilery fanart (do not open until chapter 81)  
> [Sept Huit Neuf](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Sept-Huit-Neuf-Sept-Huit-726267594)


	2. He Struggled And Kept His Guard Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by whatdoyewant on tumblr (go check them out they're awesome) also I then added a bit more after they finished so any mistakes are probably mine  
> The schedule is gonna be this; Wednesday, Friday, Sunday. I'm posting this chapter now because... because.  
> This has also had amazing response 200 hits in a day? I don't even understand that. Thank you all so much!

Hercules woke slowly and painfully. The previous day Reynolds had called him to his office, and for once, stupidly, Hercules had fought back. Now his back ached from where he had been thrown against the wall, as Reynolds’ way of stopping Hercules’ wild swings.

It hadn’t worked perfectly, and Hercules was very much hoping that the man was going to be sporting a black eye the next time they met. His aching knuckles did nothing to help his mood, but at least he knew he’d done something, hadn’t just taken it.

Hercules sighed at that thought. It had been stupid to fight back, stupid to do anything. At the end of it, Reynolds still shoved money into his hands, but this time the total was halved. Hercules knew that he couldn’t let that continue; he needed that money.

He rolled over to grab his phone, noticing that he had plenty of time before he needed to wake up.

**(3) New Messages from: Large Baguette**

Hercules frowned at that and propped himself up. Why would Lafayette have texted him during the night? He was normally a sound sleeper.

**From: Large Baguette**

**There is someone new at Yorktown. I haven’t caught his name but Jefferson does not seem appreciative of him**

**From: Large Baguette**

**Alexander Hamilton. He might be in our classes. He seems to be full of fire!**

**From: Large Baguette**

**Washington is already giving him ‘a talk’. I like this one**

Hercules snorted at that one. Trust Laf to get attached to the kid who was already in trouble.

**To: Large Baguette**

**Why are you up so early?**

**From: Large Baguette**

**James**

Hercules winced at that. He wasn’t particularly close to James, but he knew that the boy suffered from terrible night terrors and hadn’t had an easy life. To be fair, from what Hercules understood, none of the kids in Yorktown had led an easy life.

Sometimes it made Hercules feel bad, that the worst thing that had happened to him was Reynolds while some of his friends had stared down death. It was just another reason he kept quiet about it. He knew there wasn’t any point trying to get sympathy when in the end, what he was going through wasn’t even that bad.

There was no point dwelling on that.

Hercules sighed and pushed himself out of his bed, wincing as he did. Sure, Reynolds wasn’t anywhere near the shit his friends had been through, but he was still a piece of work.

**From: Large Baguette**

**Alex is coming into school today! I will meet you at the gate ten mins before school. Oui?**

**To: Large Baguette**

**Sure**

When that time rolled around, Hercules stood outside the school, shivering slightly. It was getting colder every day, and he hated it. Ana was going to need a new coat soon: she was just so cold all the time, and it worried him.

Jed’s coat had been bought, Hercules squinted, trying to remember, last year? It had been second hand, but it was in good condition and should last through the winter. Ellie’s coat was still reasonably good, but if Hercules could, he should probably get her a new one and-

“Herc!”

Hercules was shocked from his thoughts as a voice called out. He turned to see Laurens walking over to him.

“Laurens!” Herc half cheered, stepping forwards. Ever since Hercules had first met the boy they’d had a good friendship, Laurens having finally found someone to confide in. “How’s home?”

“Oh you know.” Laurens shrugged. “It’s tough moving. Dad’s not really happy about it.”

“Is he hurting you again?”

“No!” Laurens rolled his eyes, shifting slightly. “He- it’s fine Herc. Don’t go all mom friend on me now.”

“How can I resist? You’d make such a cute little kid.” Hercules laughed as he spoke, which just made Laurens roll his eyes again.

“You’re not meant to laugh at your own jokes.”

“If I don’t then people would lose out on so many perfect jokes!”

“How’s your mom?” Laurens changed the topic and it was Hercules’ turn to sigh and avert his gaze.

“Not great. She’s- she’s not sick but she had to quit one of her jobs.”

“Herc I’m here, okay? If-”

“I’m not taking your charity.” Hercules spat out. Laurens nodded, expecting nothing different.

“Just- If ever it gets real bad. I am not above being Uncle John.”

“Uncle John?” Hercules asked, disbelief obvious in his tone. “That’s the best you could come up with?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Laurens mumbled out.

“I know you’re here man and that- yeah that helps.”

The pair stood in silence for a moment before Hercules fished out his phone, and Laurens copied the action. Hercules tried to ignore how battered his phone was, compared to Laurens’ sleek one. Laurens had the money to blow on stuff like phones. Hercules didn’t.

“Did you hear that Yorktown got someone new?” Laurens asked, putting his phone away and breaking Hercules from his thoughts.

“Yeah. Laf seemed pretty excited about him.”

“Like as a- as a boyfriend?” At the end of his sentence Laurens winced slightly, and Hercules sighed.

“Probably not. Probably just a friend.”

“Oh. Okay.” Laurens looked away, sinking in on himself slightly. It hurt Hercules when that happened, John remembering just what he’d been through. Laurens didn’t talk about it much, didn’t talk about it at all, but Hercules knew about the ‘conversion therapy’, about the nightmares Laurens got and the days he could barely function.

Hercules wasn’t sure if anyone else knew or if it was just him. Lafayette had never brought it up in conversation, and apart from the first time, neither had Laurens. Lafayette knew that something was wrong, but he’d never really asked, probably knowing better than most how important privacy was.

After another somewhat awkward five minutes, the bus pulled up, and Hercules looked over to see the Yorktown kids climbing out. Jefferson was first, talking animatedly to James who looked exhausted, as if he was about to fall asleep in his wheelchair. Then the sisters came out, Eliza and Angelica deep in conversation while Peggy was tapping away at her phone, almost pointedly ignoring her sisters. With a crowd of other students emerged Burr, glancing around quickly before he stepped onto the ground. Then all that was left was Lafayette and this new character.

Lafayette bounded out of the bus talking animatedly to a boy several inches shorter than him, who was looking around warily. This must be the new kid.

“Laf!” Hercules called out, gesturing to the Frenchman who nodded and started to herd the boy towards the pair.

“Bonjour mes amies!” Lafayette grinned as he spoke, and Hercules couldn’t bring himself to correct his lack of English at that moment.

“Hey.” the kid next to Laf grunted out, glaring at the ground.

“I’m guessing you’re Alexander?” Laurens asked, a hint of amusement in his tone. Alexander glared back before nodding.

“Alexander, come, sois sage!”

“I’ll behave how I like!” Alexander exclaimed without much fire behind it. Lafayette nodded.

“In the few hours I have known you that is something that I have understood.”

“Anyway,” Laurens glanced between the two, tapping away nervously at his leg. “I’m John Laurens but everyone calls me Laurens.”

“Hercules Mulligan. Call me Hercules.”

“Like the demigod?” Alexander asked, sounding guarded.

“Oui!” Lafayette exclaimed. “Our Hercules is not so solide, but nous l'aimons quand même!”

“Laf, I love you, but I didn’t understand a word of that.” Hercules said tiredly. Lafayette nodded.

“He said ‘we love him anyway’.” Alexander butted in. Hercules frowned before turning to him. Alexander just shrugged.

“I can speak French.”

“Alexander is trés doué!”

“He’s what?”

“Gifted.” Lafayette sighed, shaking his head. “None of you love Francois enough mon amies! C’est-”

“Yeah, yeah.” Hercules sighed. “French is great. If you understand it.”

“I can teach you.” Alexander butted in again. When the other three turned to look at him, he shrugged, as if caught off guard being put on the spot. “If you want.”

“Mon ami, I believe Hercules to be beyond even your help.”

Before Hercules could respond the bell rang out loudly, eliciting a flinch from Alexander which Hercules noted with a frown. There was always a reason why someone went to Yorktown, and Hercules was pretty sure that he didn’t want to know Alexander’s reason.

 

The school day passed for Hercules without anything interesting happening. He didn’t have any lessons with Alexander on that day or, to his much greater delight, Reynolds. The man probably wouldn’t call on him two days in a row, but when he was pissed off he was unpredictable.

And as much as Hercules hated it, he hoped that wouldn’t mean Reynold would stop it altogether. Hercules’ job couldn’t support their family, even when put together with his mother’s. They were barely staying afloat each day, and Reynolds’ money was the only thing that let Hercules buy luxuries like that winter coat Ana needed.

Luxuries like medicine when his mother got sick again. Ever since that first time, her health had never really recovered, and he knew it was his fault. He hadn’t always managed to keep the heat on in those first few weeks before Reynolds stepped in. And Hercules hated that, hated that Reynolds had been some sort of guardian angel.

Even more than that, Hercules hated that he let Reynolds do it.

 

By the time Hercules’ last lesson was over, he was ready to go home and just sleep for forever. However, before he was even outside the main building, he was pounced on by an overexcited French man.

“Bonjour, Hercules!” Lafayette crowed out, slinging an arm over Herc’s shoulder. Herc smiled back at him.

“Where’s the new kid?”

“Alexander ran into a few… problems.”

“What does that mean?”

“Alexander is tres ardent!”

“Laf, English please.”

“Fiery. Very fiery.” Laf sighed at that, and Hercules winced. He hated being that one asshole who refused to learn French but Lafayette had asked him to do this, to constantly correct him because then Lafayette could remember the English he’d forgotten. Hercules didn’t fully know how Lafayette had lost his English, but he knew enough to be horrified by it.

“Is he fitting in at Yorktown?”

“He fought Thomas twice before he had eaten his breakfast. He is fitting in exceptionally.”

“Jefferson fought him?”

“Ah, not physically mon ami, do not fret. Merely verbal.”

“He can stand up to Jefferson?”

“He nearly punched Thomas today.” Lafayette chuckled after that. “I was amazed that neither of them were injured, in all truth.”

“So you saw someone arguing with your friend and decided that you were going to make friends with him? That’s not entirely normal, Laf.”

“I think I overstepped normal long ago, mon ami. Now it is just me, just Lafayette.”

“In all his glory.” Hercules scoffed before smiling at Lafayette.

“Oui. Will you be accompanying us back to Yorktown?”

“My shift starts in an hour. Sorry Laf.”

“You work too hard.” Lafayette frowned. “Come, mon ami, enjoy the life we have before it is over!”

“Jesus Laf, it’s just a job.” Hercules said with a chuckle.

“Will you return after?”

“Will Washington be okay with me walking in at half eight?”

“Oui! Alexander is new and Washington shall be ravi!”

“What?”

“Overjoyed. You know that Yorktown has a place for you always.”

Hercules nodded, refraining from mentioning that that was exactly what he was afraid of, that one day his place would be at Yorktown, away from his family. But as long as he continued to work, as long as he didn’t bother with how much of his own life he was missing, then he could keep his family safe from the foster system.

“Hercules?” Laf’s voice shocked Hercules form his thoughts and he looked up, at where Lafayette was eyeing him nervously. “Are you okay?”

“Of course. I’m fine.” Laf hummed at that, a tone that seemed almost judgemental. “I am! It’s just-” Hercules sighed. “It’s getting colder and Ana needs a coat. It’s nothing.”

“And you do not have enough?”

“It’ll be fine Laf. We always get through this. This year won’t be any different.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I can pick up a couple more hours at the hall and just not spend it on dumb stuff.”

“In our long friendship I have never watched you spend money on anything you did not consider vital mon ami. I just-” Lafayette sighed and looked away. He had never had to face the issues that Hercules did. His birth parents had been rich, had left him with a sizable inheritance locked away until his eighteenth birthday. George and Catherine had had plenty of money and Lafayette, monetarily, had never wanted for anything.

“It’ll be okay Laf. Promise.” Hercules noticed they were at the gates, and he disentangled himself from his friend and walked off, trying to ignore the worried stare that Lafayette gave him. He meant well, Hercules reminded himself. Lafayette was just trying to help.

But it grated against his nerves whenever the Frenchman brought up the long hours he worked, complaining about how he never saw Hercules enough. Lafayette meant well, but he had no idea how bad it had gotten for Hercules, had no idea what he’d sacrificed for his family. Hercules wasn’t about to stop sacrificing now.

 

By the time work had finished, Hercules was ready to collapse. It had been getting worse recently, the weakness in his muscles and the feeling he was about to collapse. It probably had something to do with how food still sometimes disgusted him, but he ignored that. Now rather than having to take an extra portion to stop the grumbling, he could give it to Ana, to help her get just a bit warmer.

But Lafayette was expecting him. So Hercules shot off a quick text to his mother, explaining that he was going to Yorktown and that she shouldn’t wait up for him. He doubted that he’d stay overnight, but he’d done it before and left her in a state of panic, thinking that he’d been kidnapped. Ever since then, he sent her a text to calm her down in advance.

The walk to Yorktown was a long one, especially now that winter was fully setting in, and the cold was everywhere. Hercules hunched in on himself slightly, as if that would help anything. He knew that this winter was going to be harsh, now that his mother was out of her second job, and he was spending more time at Yorktown because of it.

He knew he should spend the time with his family but it was difficult meeting their eyes sometimes. It was difficult watching them knowing what he’d sacrificed for them. Knowing that they’d never know.

When he finally arrived, he rang on the doorbell, stamping slightly to get some feeling back in his feet. The door was eventually opened by Burr, who nodded at him before stepping aside and letting him in.

Burr was always slightly off-putting to Hercules. He couldn’t figure out what the teen wanted or anything about him. Burr just smiled and whenever Hercules asked, Burr would turn the conversation backwards, giving vague enough answers that Hercules didn’t learn anything but couldn’t reasonably continue with the line of questioning.

It was freaky.

“Laf!” Hercules called out. Immediately, there was a noise from one of the living rooms and Lafayette leapt from it, grinning broadly.

“Mon ami, vous êtes arrivé!”

“English!” A voice from the room echoed, and Lafayette pouted for a moment.

“It is good to see you once more Hercules! Come!” Laf then turned on his heels and strode back into the room, sitting down on one of the couches. In the room, there was Jefferson, lounging across one of the sofas, Alexander and Laurens.

“Hey Herc.” Laurens smiled up at him.

“You’re not helping your dad unpack?” Hercules asked in surprise. He would almost bet on the fact that there was something in those boxes Laurens didn’t want his father to find, at least one thing his father would take personal offense to. To be fair, he took personal offence to a lot of things.

“No, he’s still at work. I don’t have a key yet.”

“You’re locked out?” Hercules asked, worriedly. Laurens shrugged before nodding.

“It’ll be fine.”

“And if not, petite Laurens shall remain here tonight!”

“You do realise I’m no longer the shortest? Alexander over there gets that title.”

“That’s the title I get? Not, I dunno-” Alexander paused for a moment, trying to think of a better nickname. Unfortunately, Jefferson got there first.

“How about little lion?”

“What the hell is that meant to mean?” In an instant, all of the good mood had vanished from Alexander and he looked ready to pounce on Jefferson. Jefferson, in turn, looked unphased.

“So full of fire.” Jefferson scoffed and shrugged. “Ready to pounce on anything I say.”

“Petit lion.” Lafayette frowned before nodding. “J'aime ça!”

“That is not going to be my nickname.” Alexander stated, with finality. Lafayette didn’t respond, merely grinning back.

“I wouldn’t bother fighting it.” Hercules chuckled as he sat down next to Lafayette. “When Laf decides something, he doesn’t budge.”

“Oui! It is an excellent name! Mon petit lion!”

“I am not anyone’s little lion!”

“Not even mine?” Lafayette pouted slightly and Alexander just glared back, obviously fighting back a grin.

“Not even yours, mon ami.”

“Kiss, and get it over with.” Jefferson groaned. He rolled his head slightly to Lafayette and pouted. “Please Gil, this is painful enough.”

“Why do you call him that?” Alexander asked, trying to keep his tone civil. Trying and failing. Jefferson glanced at him before responding.

“It’s one of his names.”

“One of them?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to hear them all.” After his words Jefferson stretched and stood. “I’ll leave you four lovebirds to it. I’ve gotta go talk to James.”

“Is he okay?” Laurens piped up, forcing Jefferson to pause. “I heard he had a nightmare-”

“Night terror.” Jefferson corrected him. “But yeah, he’s fine.”  With that he strode from the room and Alexander scoffed.

“What a dick.”

“Mon ami, do not judge Thomas so harshly.”

“Laf you gotta admit Jefferson is kinda a dick.” Laurens added in, shrugging. Lafayette inclined his head slightly before nodding.

“Oui but he does have redeeming features. He is not a bad person.”

“When he shows me that then I’ll be sure to play nice. Until then.” Alexander shrugged, leaving his sentence hanging. There was an awkward silence for a moment before Laurens started talking again.

“So, uh, did anyone else watch the election last week?”

“No, we all decided to go back under the rock we were living under before.” Hercules replied, sarcasm dripping from every word. Laurens shrugged.

“I dunno!”

“Who won?” Alexander asked. At his question, every eye in the room turned to him in disbelief. He shrugged. “There wasn’t a TV I could watch.”

“Where were you before this?” Laurens asked, almost immediately realising that that wasn’t an entirely okay thing to ask.

“Didn’t have a home.”

“You were on the streets?”

“Yeah.” Alexander glared around at that. “Is there a problem?”

“No.”

“The home before that was going to shit, so I got out while I still could. The streets were better than being placed in some bullshit foster family. If this place goes, then I’ll just leave again.” Alexander shrugged. “I can survive it.”

“Mon ami, Yorktown shall go nowhere.” Lafayette frowned as he spoke but Alexander just scoffed.

“I’ve heard the spiel before. I don’t care. When it gets too bad I’ll leave, and that’s it. Anyway, who won it?”

“Santos.”

“VP?”

“I think-” Laurens frowned at that, trying to think. “Seaborne, I think.”

“Step up from deputy chief of staff.” Alexander said, obviously deep in thought.

“You know who the deputy chief of staff was?” Laurens asked in amazement. “That’s kind of impressive. Are you quite interested in politics?”

“Kinda. One of my families was a bit too excited when Vinick won. It’s funny actually,” Alexander shook his head. “When a Republican actually took the White House, they finally got stuff done.”

“The family was Republican?”

“Yeah, just a little bit.” Alexander’s tone was halfway to sarcastic and Laurens winced, he could easily imagine what he meant by that.

“Why did you leave that home?”

“Apparently, they weren’t that happy with me kissing another guy.” Alexander scoffed at that before glancing at the other three, as if gauging their reaction.

“No-one will react ill to that here mon ami. I promise.” Laf smiled as he spoke and Alexander nodded jerkily. Laurens couldn’t quite meet his eyes but somehow Alexander didn’t notice, as nausea threatened to overcome Laurens.

After a long moment, the room lapsed back into conversation, and it took them another ten minutes until Lafayette finally noticed that Hercules was fast asleep, lying against Lafayette. When Lafayette noticed, he didn’t do anything, just shifted Hercules to be sure he wouldn’t have a crick in his neck when he woke up. Hercules needed to rest more anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off that last conversation, guess when I started writing this fic... I didn't wanna use the actual people so I used characters from West Wing (go watch it it's so good. I may also have a couple of other references from that show so see if you can spot them)


	3. The Challenges We're Facing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we meet James (properly) Maria will be next chapter, don't worry  
> And here come my fave bromance :)

When night fell James was still sat in the main living room. He hated days like this, days when his knees could buckle underneath him without a warning. He was in constant danger of collapse or seizing and so he was confined to a wheelchair for his own safety.

The biggest problem with that? There weren’t any bedrooms on the bottom floor.

“Hey James.” Jefferson strode into the room and collapsed onto one of the sofas. He did that a lot, lounged obnoxiously over furniture. Before Jefferson, James had never really understood that it was possible but Jefferson had refined it to an art.

“Hey Jefferson.” James replied, coughing halfway through it. Jefferson glanced at him worriedly for that but James just shook his head. “I’m-” Cough. “Fine.”

“Yeah, you sound wonderful.” Jefferson fired back sarcastically. “Are you going up to bed?”

“Probably should.” James sighed at the thought and Jefferson threw him a sympathetic glance.

“Need help?”

“If you can carry the- the chair.” Once more James had to pause to cough. Jefferson took it in stride and slunk off the couch, moving to the back of James’ chair.

“May I?” Jefferson asked, hands reaching for the handles. James nodded and Jefferson began to push him forwards. “What do you make of the new kid?”

“I think that you- you’re giving him a hard-hard time when he doesn’t need one.”

“I give everyone a hard time.” Jefferson shrugged and James shot him a disbelieving glance. “What?”

“You don’t give Laf a hard time. You don’t give me a hard time. You don’t give Angelica a hard time.”

“That’s different.” Jefferson replied haughtily. James raised an eyebrow before descending into a coughing fit that made Jefferson pause the chair.

“We’re not different. You just- just make us different.” By the end of the sentence James was out of breath and breathing heavily. Jefferson was about to say something about it before he stopped himself.

“Well, maybe I just chose the best of the bunch.”

“You chose me because you- you pity me. You chose- Angelica because you like her. Laf- you-” James paused, chest heaving and Jefferson stopped the chair and walked around to the front of it, bending down so he could look James in the eye.

“Don’t talk. Come on, just- just breathe, okay?” Jefferson’s voice was calm and James nodded, sucking in a deep breath, leaning back against the seat. As he felt a cough tickling the back of his throat he ignored it, in favour of sucking in breath.

“’m okay.” James finally rasped out. Jefferson raised an eyebrow, not believing it for a moment.

“How do you want to get upstairs?”

“Walk.”

“James, I am not letting you get up those stairs on your own.” Jefferson’s tone was serious and James whined gently.

“Not a kid.”

“But you are ill. You shouldn’t have gone to school today.”

“’m fine.”

“Do you want me to carry you or should I get Washington?”

James groaned at the question before pointing at Jefferson. Jefferson nodded and gathered James in his arms. James hated this, hated when he couldn’t even climb up a flight of stairs because he was too weak. Jefferson didn’t say a word while he walked up the stairs which actually helped in some small way, as if it wasn’t a person but just a machine of some kind carrying him up the stairs.

When they reached the top Jefferson had to pause for a moment and James averted his eyes, letting his friend recover before they continued to James’ room. Jefferson then placed him on the bed before slouching into the desk chair. Silence reigned for a moment until James started coughing again.

“You need to be checked out for that.”

“No it’s- fine. I just need to- to sleep.” James replied, breathless. Jefferson frowned but nodded.

“Think you’ll get through the night?”

“Dunno. Probably- not. Always comes- now. When it’s- bad.”

“I’ll be in the next room.”

“Yeah I- know. It’ll- be- fine.”

“Get through a sentence without having to stop and I might believe you.”

“Ass- hole.” James breathed out, smiling weakly. Jefferson just grinned back before pulling his phone out of his pocket and turning the volume up.

“One call. If anything goes wrong, okay?”

“Sure.” James responded. With that Jefferson turned and left the room and James collapsed down onto the bed. On the floor next to him, as if taunting him, was his prosthetic leg. It worked fine but his balance had been all off that morning and he’d had no way to guarantee that he wouldn’t collapse into a heap.

It was embarrassing, this life. He kept on waking up with people around him because he couldn’t shut up and then he couldn’t even get to school and back on his own. All because his immune system was shot to hell from being abandoned in a cold house over a decade ago.

But he couldn’t think about that for too long, it was just tempting himself into madness. What had happened had happened, it was over.

As a cough rattled through James’ body he wondered for a moment if it was over or if it had just been the beginning of a special hell just for him. He didn’t let himself dwell for too long on that idea either.

 

When the next day dawned James immediately knew that something was wrong. He could feel metal on his tongue and it felt like the air was buzzing. He reached his hand forwards, trying to ignore how it was shaking. His hand unlocked it immediately, he didn’t have a lock for just this reason.

His hand then went straight to Jefferson’s contact information, punching in the call just as the shudders in his hand began to increase until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Jefferson stumbled into the room, glancing around in fear until his eyes landed on James who was beginning to convulse.

“Fuck.” Jefferson whispered out, rushing forwards. James was already halfway off the bed and now in the midst of a grand mal seizure. “WASHINGTON!” Jefferson screamed, trying to catch hold of James.

He shouldn’t hold him down but James needed to either come off the bed or go back onto it. Jefferson made the decision and pushed him backwards, towards the wall until he was securely on the bed again. After that he just paused, feeling helpless as he watched his friend convulse. There was nothing he could do.

After a moment Washington rushed in and frowned, looking at the scene in front of him.

“Have you timed it?”

“What?”

“Have you been timing it?”

“No uh-” Jefferson grabbed his phone and looked at the time against the time of James’ call. “It’s been a minute.”

“Okay. Longer than five and you’ll call an ambulance.”

“Yeah.” Jefferson nodded, he knew all this, of course he did. When he’d first found out that James was prone to these kind of seizures he’d done all the research he could just in case he was ever in this situation.

As James continued to convulse Jefferson remained half crouched, thoughts flickering through his mind. He couldn’t do anything to help until the actual seizure was over or the five minute mark was gone.

“Come on son.” Washington half whispered. Jefferson glanced at him in surprise at that, he normally took great measures to not show his emotions, thinking he needed to be strong for the kids.

After another three agonising minutes James finally fell still. Jefferson let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Fuck, that was close.”

“Do you know what set him off?”

“No idea. I know he was tired earlier but- maybe hypoglycaemia? He doesn’t tend to eat much on days like this.”

“He has to take better care of himself.”

“I know.” Jefferson sighed, putting a hand to his face. “It’s just- it’s not easy for him. Even after all this time he forgets sometimes.”

“I understand that but if this continues he might sustain permanent injuries.”

“Well when he wakes up I’ll be sure to tell him that.” Jefferson spat out, before glancing back down at James. He hadn’t woken up yet.

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know that.” Washington sighed. “James won’t be going to school today. Will you?”

“He needs someone with him. Call me in sick as well please.”

“I’ll leave you two alone then.” Washington left the room before Jefferson could say anything else. Not that he’d know what to say of course.

 

When James finally woke up he did it was slowly. He groaned gently and turned to his side, trying to ignore how heavy his head felt.

“Hey James.” Jefferson said from beside James, causing him to glance over. He was munching on a cereal bar, as if nothing had happened. James stared at him for a moment before Jefferson looked back. “Catch.” Without another warning Jefferson threw another cereal bar which James barely caught.

“What happened?” James asked, unfolding the cereal bar.

“A grand mal.” Jefferson shrugged. “No idea why.”

“A seizure?”

“Yeah James.”

“The meds-” James blinked in confusion, trying to make his brain work again. It always felt like that after a seizure, that everything was just a bit too far to grasp, to understand. “They’re meant to help?”

“Washington’s booking you a doctor’s appointment. We’ll figure it out.” Jefferson smiled at that and James returned it, trying to think through the fog in his head. “Good news by the way, this time you didn’t piss yourself.” Jefferson stretched as he said that, half hiding his head as he did.

“Christ.” James chuckled quietly. “That’s the good news?”

“Every cloud has its silver lining.” Jefferson stood and paused. “Will you be okay?”

“Where are you going?”

“I need to get changed. I’ll tell Gil I’m staying here today and then I’ll be back.”

“Go.” James nodded and Jefferson left, leaving James to collapse backwards.

His new meds were meant to work, meant to leave him seizure free. But apparently not.

James groaned gently before pushing himself upright. No matter what he’d said to Jefferson he was glad he didn’t wet himself again, it was one of the worst bits of a grand mal seizure. That and the hangover that didn’t leave him for the rest of the day.

And that was if he was lucky.

James pushed himself off the bed and half crawled over to his dresser. He couldn’t be bothered with his prosthetics, knowing that they wouldn’t do him any good today. There was no way he could go into school so he wouldn’t be leaving the house.

After getting to the dresser James pulled it open and grabbed the first set of clothes he could get. Getting changed was an arduous process when he was like this and he was tempted to just not bother but that represented giving up, meant accepting that he was ill. James couldn’t face that.

When he’d finally got the clothes on he crawled back to his bed and paused, wondering where Jefferson had gone. James spotted Jefferson’s phone on the floor and frowned. He knew why it was there, because his friend had raced in there to help him. So really, looking through it would be pretty immoral. But-

James picked the phone up and was surprised as it vibrated in his hands.

**From: Lewis**

**Tommy need 2 talk 2day urgnt**

“Is that my phone?” Jefferson’s voice made James jumped slightly as he turned to see Jefferson in the doorway.

“Uh yeah. Here- here you go.” James held the phone out and Jefferson took it, glancing at the text message. As he looked at it his face fell into a mask of impassiveness. “Who’s Lewis?”

“A friend.” Jefferson half mumbled out, typing out a reply.

“I’ve never heard of him.”

“You wouldn’t have.” Jefferson stared at the phone, face conflicted before he sighed and pocketed it. “An old friend.”

“Someone who calls you Tommy?”

“Lewis and I,” Jefferson shrugged, grinning again. “Have a private relationship.”

“Please, don’t say anything else.”

“You don’t want to know more? Then maybe you shouldn’t look through my messages.” Jefferson’s tone was scolding but he was still grinning, detracting from the seriousness slightly.

“Didn’t know who it was.”

“Do you want to go down now?”

“Are the others still around?”

“Yes.” Jefferson sighed. “They know what you’re going through James. They won’t judge you for this.”

“There’s a new kid. That’s what you said.”

“Yes, Alexander. I doubt that he’ll be a problem though.”

“You already got in a fight with him, didn’t you?”

“A couple.” Jefferson grinned at that. “He is very easy to wind up.”

“Jefferson-” James sighed out.

“Oh and by the way, if you met him call him petit lion. He adores it.”

“You know you could actually try to make friends with him, not just annoy him.”

“But then what would I do for fun?” Jefferson pouted before collapsing onto the bed. “Think things through James! Honestly…”

“Jefferson, you should at least try before getting into a fight.”

“Yes yes mom.” Jefferson groaned and stretched out before sitting up. “By the way we’re not going to school today.”

“I’d figured.” James sighed, he liked school. Parts of it sucked but it showed he was healthy, showed that he was coping at the very least. “You could go if you wanted to.”

“Or get a free day off school? I think I’m perfectly fine staying home.”

“Have you no respect for the ancient tradition that is the American education system?”

“When they figure out how to teach me more than what’s in the textbooks then sure. Until then?” Jefferson shrugged. “I’ve got better things to do.”

“And what, exactly, are we doing today?”

“I mean,” Jefferson grinned, knowing that whatever he suggested James would accept it. “How much trash TV can you stand?”

 

When they finally got downstairs James was already exhausted. It took all of Jefferson’s persuasion to make him eat anything and even then it wasn’t enough. In the end it was a series of juices that got him through the day. That and a long series of naps.

Through the day Jefferson barely took his eyes off James, terrified it would happen again. Ever since the boy had first come into his life Jefferson had become protective of him, overly protective some would say.

But Jefferson couldn’t help it, for some stupid reason he cared. The first day he’d seen James mocked, he’d punched the bully in the face so hard that his hand ached for the rest of the week. He’d sat in front of Washington, still half convinced he was going to be hit, with a smirk and crossed legs.

Washington hadn’t hit him, hadn’t even shouted. He’d just asked what had happened and when Jefferson didn’t respond he just accepted it, grounding him until they could sort it all out.

When Jefferson had left the room James had hobbled over to him and thanked him quietly, coughing as he did. Jefferson had tried to brush him off but then it had happened again, someone had grabbed James’ wheelchair and Jefferson had snapped. After just a month the rest of the school figured out that James wasn’t to be messed with anymore and Jefferson had made an uneasy friendship with the boy.

Everyone else was astonished by it, confused why the disabled kid was getting along so well with the psychopath who could end any fight. Jefferson didn’t bother to correct them after a while, he’d been called much worse than that.

Jefferson’s head snapped up when the door opened and he was halfway across the room before he noticed it. When he did notice it he forced himself to stop, to take a deep breath and release his fists. James wasn’t in danger.

“Jefferson?” Jefferson relaxed even more when he heard Angelica’s voice.

“My love.” Jefferson grinned as he strode into the corridor. She just rolled her eyes before smiling back.

“How is he?”

“Me? I am all the better for seeing you.”

“I meant James.”

“He’s good.” Jefferson could feel his grin slipping at that and he knew that Angelica noticed. She sighed and took a step closer but Jefferson just shook his head. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Eliza’s at netball. Laf and Alex decided to wait up for her. Herc had a meeting with Reynolds. Burr’s-” Angelica looked behind her before frowning.

“Off to his room again?” Jefferson asked with a grin. Angelica nodded.

“Apparently.”

“Burr truly is a delight to be around.” Jefferson added sarcastically before he walked back into the living room. Angelica sighed and followed, dropping her bag outside.

“He’s dealing with stuff.”

“My dear, we’re all dealing with stuff.”

“Really? What’re you dealing with then?”

“My undeniable beauty of course.” Angelica scoffed at that but Jefferson didn’t stop grinning.

“Seriously though, I know that James is- isn’t well right now but are you holding up okay?”

“I’m fine!” Jefferson insisted. “It’s not as if anything monumental has happened.”

“It’s been nearly a year since that man. It’s-”

“Don’t talk about that.” Jefferson’s grin was gone, face impassive as Burr’s always was. “That’s- that’s not important alright?”

“Jefferson, you’re-”

“Don’t.” Jefferson snapped. “Just- drop it, okay?” Angelica sighed at that before nodding. Both of them turned back to James as he whined slightly in his sleep. Jefferson frowned and stepped forwards, pulling the blanket up slightly.

After that James fell silent, slipping into a much more peaceful sleep.


	4. Mistreating Me

Days in the Reynolds household started slowly. Started slowly for James Reynolds anyway.

Maria never stayed in the bed when Reynolds was awake. In the evenings she’d force herself asleep but in the mornings it was so much more difficult. In the morning light she could see him again and he no longer looked like she could imagine him.

He no longer had long brown hair or gentle eyes. The first rays of sunlight would highlight his stubble and the strength in his arms that she recognised all too well.

On the mornings when the sun betrayed her Maria left the bed almost immediately.

She’d creep downstairs to the kitchen and stared out as the sun continued to rise. That was when she’d pull out her homework and start work. She wasn’t smart, she knew that. She knew there wasn’t any point even trying but she also knew that her mama, when she still deserved that name, thought that Maria could be anything she wanted to be.

So on the mornings when the sun highlighted just how far Maria had fallen from her mama’s ideals, she crept downstairs and pulled out her last hope.

She preferred the days like that to the ones she woke in a stranger’s bed.

“Reynolds!”

Maria jumped slightly at the name and scurried down the hall. She paused just outside the door, pulling her skirt up and her top down.

When she entered the room it was to see a man barely taller than her glaring at her.

“Oh.” He frowned as he spoke, causing his already small face to squash even further. Maria liked when she could think like that, when she could pull every insult together to explain these people.

“Is something wrong, John?”

“I-” John frowned before shaking his head. “Here.” He handed over an envelope which Maria took. She opened it up and rifled through it for a second, counting the notes inside. When she was sure it was fine she smiled.

“See you again then.” Maria kissed him on the cheek before turning on her heel, grabbing her bag and walking out of the house. She could imagine what he was looking like behind her. It wasn’t enough to make her smile but it was enough to settle her roiling stomach.

It took her another half hour of walking until she was finally at Reynolds’ house. She plodded up the steps one by one until she was outside the bedroom. Once more she had to gather herself before knocking on the door.

“Come in!”

Maria entered and smiled at Reynolds who was rifling through his briefcase.

“I’m back.”

“I can see.” Reynolds stood and walked over to Maria, eyeing her. Maria forced herself to stand straight, to smile sweetly. “So where’s the money?”

“Here.” Maria took the envelope from her bag and pressed it into Reynolds’ hands. He grunted before rifling through it.

“After school you’re not coming home.” Reynolds stated. Maria nodded, now seriously fighting to keep her smile on her face.

“Why not?”

“Mulligan’s coming here instead.”

“I thought that was all done at school.”

“This is for something else.”

“What?”

“Why should it matter to you?” Reynolds snapped back, glaring at her. Maria just shrugged.

“Just curious I guess.”

“Fine, I need to see how desperate he is if this is going to work.”

“You’re gonna-” Maria broke off, not letting herself think of what she’d just done.

“It’s sensible enough. Two of you,” Reynolds gestured at Maria before slipping the money into his pocket. “Twice the money. It shouldn’t take too long. Stay out of the house for a few hours.”

“Where should I go?”

“I don’t know!” Reynolds exclaimed. “Use what’s left of your brain to figure it out. I need to go. You nearly made me late again.”

“Sorry.”

“You should be.”

With that Reynolds was gone, letting Maria collapse in his absence. As soon as she heard the door slam closed her legs fell from underneath her and she bowed her head. She grabbed her phone from her bag and typed out a text with shaking hands.

**To: <3**

**Tommy need 2 talk 2day urgnt**

Maria stared at her phone for a long moment before she realised there were tears dripping down her face. She wiped them off before standing. She needed a goddamn shower before school.

 

By the time she was done her phone had four unread messages, all from the same contact.

**From: <3**

**Are you hurt? Did he do something?**

**From: <3**

**Did he send you out again?**

**From: <3**

**I can’t come to school today. I can meet you after if you come here?**

**From: <3**

**Please tell me you’re ok**

Maria chuckled softly at the texts, wiping away the last of her tears.

**To: <3**

**Not hurt. Not about me. Need to talk.**

**From: <3**

**Come to Yorktown tonight, okay?**

**To: <3**

**Might be too late**

Maria stared down at the screen for a moment before shaking herself gently and walking over to her bag. It was half packed already and she just had to throw in a couple things. As she did her phone buzzed once more. This time it didn’t stop.

After a few more buzzes Maria sighed and picked the phone up.

“Yeah?”

“What do you mean it might be too late, Maria?”

“Look-”

“Are you in danger?”

“No. Not more than usual.” Maria chuckled at that but the line stayed dead. “It’s complicated. I’m- I can’t do anything.”

“About Reynolds?”

“About what he’s about to do.” Maria choked out, surprised at how quickly her emotions had caught up with her. “It’s-”

“He’s going to hurt someone else?”

“Oh Tommy, he already is. I- I shouldn’t’ve told ya. It’s-”

“Please Maria, I can help.”

“No. You-” Maria sighed and broke off. “It’s- It’s Mulligan. I know he’s not your friend but I didn’t used to be either. He’s hurting real bad right now and I ain’t told you this before because I felt it wasn’t my place and it still ain’t. But he needs help now and I can’t give it to him so-” Maria paused and frowned as Jefferson didn’t interject. “Tommy?” When she received no answer she pulled the screen back and sighed at the black screen. “Just my fucking luck.”

She glanced around for a moment before noticing the time. She was late. Of course she was.

 

Maria barely made it to school on time and when she did it was with a still dead phone. As the day progressed she kept her head down until lunch. She’d been walking towards Reynolds’ room because she had, in her haste, forgotten to grab any lunch.

But as she walked forwards Hercules left the room, staring around for a moment with empty eyes before leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. As she watched Hercules sank to the floor, head in his hands. Maria sighed as she approached the boy.

“Hey.” Maria offered Hercules a smile that he didn’t respond to. “Reynolds in there?”

“How do you do it?” Hercules asked, voice rough. “How- how do you cope with him?”

“Practice, darling.” Maria sat down next to Hercules in time for him to uncover his face and turn to her.

“You-” Hercules broke off and just shook his head. “I don’t understand!” His voice broke slightly and he sucked in a deep breath to steady himself. “I don’t understand.” His voice was softer that time and so much more broken.

“You gotta-” Maria broke off, sighing. She didn’t have anything to offer Hercules, not really.

They’d fallen into this odd relationship one day when Maria had walked into Reynolds’ room without knocking. Reynolds had shouted at her but Hercules couldn’t even meet her eyes. He’d been crying, that was one of the only things that had stood out to Maria. It was the only thing she allowed herself to notice.

After that they bumped into each other more and more until Hercules had finally broken down one night and explained everything. He talked about how his mama was sick so often now, how she couldn’t hold down two jobs. He talked about how his siblings were sometimes so hungry and how cold little Ana got. He talked about how he hated it, how he wanted to do anything else. He talked about how he couldn’t sleep anymore without seeing Reynolds in his nightmares.

Maria thought that was what he’d said anyway. He’d been sobbing too hard to make sure.

When he couldn’t cry anymore Maria had gathered him into a hug and tried to whisper comforts to him through her own tears.

There was a book Maria had once read that said there were some things you couldn’t go through and not become friends. She didn’t remember much of the rest of that book but she was pretty sure crying over a shared rapist wasn’t what had happened to those children.

“He told you to come to the house tonight, didn’t he?” Maria asked. Hercules nodded before taking in a deep, shuddering breath.

“What’s he going to say? Please just- just tell me.”

“He’s gonna-” Maria paused and tried to think of some way to explain it, any way to explain it apart from the real one. “He’s gonna make you like me. With the-the other people.”

“Fuck.” Hercules cursed before taking in a deep shuddering breath. There was silence for a long moment as he tried to gather himself. “Will he- it pays more, right? I know that’s terrible but it-it’s gotta fucking pay more.”

“Herc-”

“Will it?” Hercules asked, forcing his face into a blank mask. Maria sighed before nodding.

“Don’t give in easy. Not too many people want people like you. You- you’re going to be okay.”

“Yeah. I just-” Hercules sighed before shaking his head. “I thought my first time was going to be with someone real. I thought it would mean something and now…” He shook his head again.

“You can’t think like that.” Maria slid closer to him. “This don’t mean shit Herc. This is- this is just sex and you know it. It ain’t nothing. It don’t mean nothing. You’re gonna get other people when this is all done and that’ll mean something.”

“If anyone’ll want me now.” Hercules said softly and Maria’s heart sank. Hercules deserved better than this, better than the life of a whore.

“They will. I reckon a certain Frenchman does.”

“That-” Hercules sighed and shook his head. “Laf’s a friend Mari.”

“Seems like the kinda friend who’d wait around for you.”

“Maria-”

“You can’t let Reynolds rule your life, Herc.”

“I know.”

“Asking Laf out might be a start.”

Hercules offered Maria a weak smile at that, obviously pulling himself together.

“By the way, do ya know where Tommy is today?” Maria hopped to her feet as she asked before proffering a hand to Hercules.

“Home. I think James had a seizure.”

“Ouch.” Maria winced and Hercules nodded. “Well I gotta get in contact with him later then. See you around.”

“See you.” Hercules strode down the corridor and Maria watched him go, the smile fading from her face. Hercules was hurting, she could see it so clearly. He was hurting and he was hurting bad. All because she’d fucked up and made Reynolds mad enough to throw her down some stairs.

Maria set her face and entered Reynolds’ room. It was her fault he was even considering whoring Herc out. She didn’t know what she’d do if Hercules became like her, empty and hollow.

 

When school was over Maria waited at the gates for the Yorktown kids. Burr was the first one she spotted and she walked over to him, smiling.

“Hey honey.” Maria drawled out. Burr smiled at her in response.

“Hello Maria.”

“Any idea where Eliza is?”

“She’s at netball. Lafayette and Alexander are waiting for her.”

“Thanks!” Maria waved at Burr before bouncing off, trying to ignore the stares following her.

She knew what those stares meant and she’d grown used to ignoring them by now. There was no point trying to convince anyone she wasn’t a whore and she didn’t even bother anymore.

The walk to the netball courts wasn’t long but Maria savoured it. It felt so fucking good sometimes to just be free, to not have to worry about Reynolds. He was a permanent fixture in her life now, a spectre she could never even hope to outrun. He was the monster under her bed.

Maria scoffed at that. He was the monster in her bed.

Before Maia could think about that for much longer she turned the corner to the netball court. Lafayette and another boy were sat staring into the court. The boy that Maria didn’t recognise looked Latino, with long dark hair and a shiftiness she knew all too well.

As she approached the boy whipped around to face her, frowning before elbowing Lafayette. Lafayette turned and smiled at Maria which she easily returned.

“Hey sweetie.” Maria sat next to Lafayette. “Who’s your friend?”

“Mon ami est-”

“Laf, I ain’t smart enough for French. Gimme a break.”

“Ah, pardon.” Lafayette smiled at her before half turning to the new boy. “Alexander Hamilton.”

“Nice ta meet you.” Maria looked the boy up and down as she spoke. He was short but there was a fire in his eyes that she didn’t want to cross. “I’m Maria Reynolds.” The name still didn’t feel right rolling off her tongue, it felt like poison.

“Like the teacher?”

“Yeah. He’s my foster father. Well I’m adopted but,” Maria shrugged. “Same thing, right?”

“Not in my experience.”

“You a Yorktown kid?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re a good lot. Most of them anyhow.”

“Maria, I am right here!” Lafayette retorted. Maria shrugged, nudging him slightly.

“Don’t worry Laf. I ain’t gonna tell him anything personal.”

“Mon ami, I did not doubt you.”

“Do you have any stories about Jefferson?” Alexander butted in. Maria turned to face him and frowned.

“You wanna know about Tommy?”

“Petit lion has not got along with mon ami.”

“Petit lion?” Maria chuckled. “What does that even mean?”

“It means little lion.” Alexander crossed his arms as he spoke and glared at Lafayette. “And it’s not sticking.”

“Tell yourself what you wish mon petit lion.”

“Laf has a habit of getting what he wants. I guess you’re just our lil lion now.”

Alexander glared at that before turning back to the court. For the rest of the match he didn’t say a word, letting Maria and Lafayette catch up. Maria never saw enough of Lafayette, spending too much time with Reynolds and everything that he entailed.

The Frenchman was soft spoken and seemed to smile constantly. But there were other days where he’d flinch from the slightest touch, where he rubbed his wrists. All too often Lafayette would then start to scratch until blood began to trickle from his reddened skin.

On those days Maria made sure to pull aside Hercules or Jefferson to talk to Lafayette. The others could calm him but they were the best. There was a link between Jefferson and Lafayette that Maria never really understood.

Jefferson usually felt removed from conversations, as if he was an onlooker with more knowledge about what was going on than anybody else. But if Lafayette was in trouble all of that dropped away. Maria wasn’t sure who Thomas was at those times but he was pretty sure it wasn’t the same person as the other times. He was a lot sadder.

She didn’t want to know why helping people always made him sad.

When the practice was over the four walked together to the bus, chattering as they did. Maria sat down next to the window and smiled as Eliza sat next to her.

“Hey Liza.”

“Hey. We don’t talk enough Maria! What are you doing that takes up so much time?”

“Oh, you know,” Maria shrugged before continuing, trying to think of a decent excuse that didn’t stray too close to the truth. Eliza could never know that. Maria didn’t want anyone to know but especially Eliza. She was just too pure too innocent for someone like Maria. It was one of the reasons Maria had been hesitant to start dating her. One of the bigger reasons why she’d asked the other girl to keep it a secret. “Lotta homework. Mr Reynolds wants me to get better grades.”

“Why do you still call him that?” Hamilton asked form behind her. She turned, frowning slightly. He was staring at her with narrowed eyes.

“What’d’ya mean?”

“Why don’t you call him by his first name?”

“Dunno. Just don’t.”

“How long has he had you?”

“No one has me.” Maria snapped back, bristling slightly. Hamilton nodded in response.

“How long have you been adopted by him?”

“He had me fostered months back. Maybe near a year by now.”

“Sounds about right.” Eliza butted in, nodding.

“I was stayin’ with a different foster family and he took me in.”

“Thought there was a whole process to fostering.”

“There is but he went through it before. I ain’t the first kid he’s had.”

“I was not aware he had adopted before.” Lafayette said, surprised. Maria shrugged.

“Don’t talk about it much but yeah. Dunno what happened to the other kid.”

“Huh.” Eliza frowned. “I don’t think I’ve heard about that either.”

“Mr Reynolds is kinda personal with some stuff. Likes his privacy.” Maria smiled blandly after that before steering the conversation to a new path. Eliza shot her a look but Maria ignored it. Eliza couldn’t help her. Not with this.

When they arrived at Yorktown Maria was the last off the bus. Eliza led the way, smiling as if she was happy to be home. Maria sometimes wondered what that felt like.

As soon as they were inside Jefferson was there. Maria smiled as she saw Hamilton almost puff up in indignation at the sight. Jefferson ignored him, stepping forwards to Maria. He paused just in front of her before smiling.

“A pleasure as always, Maria.”

“You’re an idiot.” Maria responded, grinning. Jefferson grinned back before letting it slip off his face to face the others.

“So how was school, petit lion? Get in a fight yet?”

“I’m just about to.” Hamilton hissed. Lafayette tugged at his arm gently and murmured something in French. Apparently it was enough to convince Hamilton who just sullenly nodded before turning on his heels. Eliza hesitated for a moment before following them, leaving Jefferson and Maria alone in the corridor.

As soon as Eliza was gone Jefferson whirled back to Maria, face deadly serious.

“What’s happening, Maria?”

“I shouldn’t’ve told you anything Tommy.”

“Maria if something is happening you _have_ to tell me.”

“I don’t have to do a goddamn thing.”

“Please Maria. I care about Hercules. You know I do.”

“Herc isn’t-” Maria sighed before shaking her head. “Herc’s doing something dumb. Something real dumb and I can’t stop him. You can’t either.”

“You can’t stop him or you won’t?”

“Can’t. I don’t want him to do this. I-”

“Is he sleeping with Reynolds?” Jefferson’s voice was quiet but it still silenced Maria. She stared at him for a long moment before looking away.

“Tommy-”

“Is Reynolds blackmailing him?”

“Don’t ask me that Tommy. I-” Maria sighed again before looking away. “Reynolds ain’t doing a damn thing to Herc. Herc is fine. I’m fine. Reynolds is a shit parent but he ain’t anything more than that.”

Jefferson stared at her for a long moment, as if trying to decipher something. Maria stared back defiantly. She couldn’t reveal Hercules now, not now when Reynolds had so much on him. And wherever Maria went the same thing would happen. Better Reynolds do it than someone else.

“Tell me if he’s in trouble Mari. Please. I can help. I want to help.”

“I know Tommy. It’s why you’re a great brother.” Maria smiled shakily and Jefferson stiffened at that. Before Maria could say anything else, Jefferson spoke.

“I need to get back to James.”

“Yeah. You do.” Maria watched Jefferson walk away before taking a deep sigh. This was for the best. She could hold her own and what Hercules did was his own business.

It was much more difficult for her to justify that the next day when Hercules came in with red rimmed eyes, as if he’d been crying for most of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see the Harry Potter reference? 10 house points if you did!  
> Leave a comment if you liked it. It really helps me


	5. Drop Some Knowledge

Laurens’ first thought when he got home was how empty it was, how the silence seemed to echo around the halls and the enormous empty rooms. His father wasn’t happy with the move, was still angry at Laurens because of it.

Laurens shuddered at that thought. His father hadn’t been happy at all. Laurens still had the bruises to prove it.

But Laurens had stood his ground, had demanded that his father wasn’t being a good father, wasn’t even being a good person. It had been the first time in such a long time that he’d stood up for himself but this time it worked.

His blackmail worked.

As a choice between leaving South Carolina and losing his political life Henry Laurens had decided to leave. Laurens had never expected anything else of his father.

Laurens raced to his room and slammed the door closed before walking over to his desk, pulling his homework from his bag and setting it down on the desk. He then paused, frowning. All day his mind had been stuck on Alexander, no matter how much he’d tried to stop thinking about the boy.

He didn’t really know why. Alexander was cute but-

Laurens shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut as a wave of nausea hit him. He took deep breaths in and out, focusing only on that and not on Alexander.

He was straight. He was straight. He was-

He was straight.

Laurens slowly opened his eyes, feeling drained. It didn’t happen often, mostly because he didn’t allow it, but every so often he’d be overwhelmed with memories of that place, of reminders of just what he was.

There was no way to get over them apart from pushing through them.

Laurens jumped as his phone buzzed and he grabbed for it, unlocking it and frowning as he spotted the text from the unknown number.

**From: Unknown Number**

**Hey Laurens, this is Alexander. Lafayette gave me your number.**

**To: Unknown Number**

**Hey Alexander**

**From: Alexander**

**How much of the homework have you done? I don’t really understand what Reynolds was talking about in that lesson :/ Laf’s not in the class and I can’t really figure it out.**

**To: Alexander**

**I wasn’t really listening to Reynolds either. I reckon if you ask tomorrow he’ll tell you**

**From: Alexander**

**Okay. Are you coming over today?**

**To: Alexander**

**Maybe later but my dad wants to have a conversation with me first.**

**From: Alexander**

**Any idea what that’s going to be about?**

Laurens sighed, trying to find the words. He knew exactly what his father would talk about; how he was worthless and was going to die unloved. It was the same track every time. It was almost boring.

**To: Alexander**

**No idea.**

**From: Alexander**

**What’s Jefferson like? He seems a right prick**

**To: Alexander**

**That kinda sums him up**

**From: Alexander**

**Why? I didn’t do anything to him!**

**To: Alexander**

**He’s protective**

**From: Alexander**

**And I didn’t threaten anyone!**

**To: Alexander**

**Don’t worry about him**

**From: Alexander**

**What’s the whole thing with him constantly correcting Lafayette?**

Laurens frowned at that, trying to find the words. Before he could he heard the door slam. He sighed and stood, dropping his phone back onto his bed.

**To: Alexander**

**My dad just got back. Ttyl**

**From: Alexander**

**Sure**

Laurens waited for a second longer before opening his door and walking down the hall. His father was stood at the bottom of the stairs just as Laurens reached the top.

“Jack.” His father acknowledged him. Laurens nodded in response. “Come down here. I need to talk to you.” Laurens descended the stairs one by one until he was face to face with his father. The man stared at him for a long moment before slapping him clean across the face.

Laurens stumbled back, trying to stifle the surprised yelp that came from his lips. He looked back to see his father glaring impassively at him.

“Get me my belt, Jack.”

“Dad-” Laurens started before his father stepped forwards again. This time Laurens didn’t let out a sound as he was hit. Instead he just stared down at the floor.

“You don’t speak back to me.” His father hissed. “Understand?”

“Yes sir.” Laurens mumbled. His father stared at him for a long moment before he turned. Laurens took that as his sign to move. He raced up the stairs and grabbed the belt before pausing. Laurens raised a shaking hand to his cheek and felt the hot glow emanating from it. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong or if he’d even done anything this time.

There had been times in the past where he’d done nothing, where his father had just had a bad day and Laurens was the closest thing. But there had been other days when there was a purpose, when the beatings that left him bruised and bloodied were accompanied with spit and curses.

Laurens shook the thoughts from his head and walked back downstairs slowly. He couldn’t stop this, no matter how hard he tried.

Laurens knocked on the door to his father’s study and waited.

“Come in.” His father called out. Laurens slunk into the room, holding the belt in front of him. His father stared at it for a moment before nodding. “Give it to me.” Laurens handed it over before taking a step back, ducking his head. “Today I heard a rumour Jack.” Laurens winced at the sound the belt made as his father threw a practice shot. “Do you know what it was?”

“N-no sir.”

“Don’t stutter Jack.”

“I’m sorry sir.” Laurens glanced up as he saw his father approaching. His knees were beginning to freeze in terror but he forced himself to stay standing. Falling down would make everything worse.

“I heard a rumour that my son came into school with injuries. Injuries that one of his teachers noticed.” The man’s voice trembled with anger there but he took a breath, calming himself. “Take off your shirt and turn around.” Laurens did as ordered, now trying to ignore how cold the room was. “Do you remember the agreement we made? That you would keep this hidden.”

“I’m sorry sir.” Laurens choked out, fighting to make his words discernible. Fear was running rampant through his body now and try as he might he couldn’t make it stop.

“Sorry isn’t enough.”

Laurens felt the belt come down across his back at that and he couldn’t help the scream that leapt from him. It came down again and he clenched his hands into fists. The third time tears were building in his eyes and by the fifth stroke they were streaking down his face. His father paused at that.

“I gave up everything for you, you wretch. I gave up my entire life to keep you quiet!” Laurens nodded at the words, wishing that he had anything to say that would stop his father. As the sixth, seventh and eighth stroke fell Laurens fell to his knees, blood pouring down his back. “Stand up!” His father cried, delivering another stroke. Laurens sobbed but slowly rose, trying to ignore how his whole body was shaking.

“I’m sorry sir.” Laurens whimpered out.

“Turn to face me.” His father snapped out. Laurens slowly turned to see the man he’d looked up to for years stare at him as if Laurens was nothing. “Behave yourself Jack. I’d hate to send you back for treatment.”

“N-no!” Laurens croaked out. His father scoffed.

“That was the best choice I’ve ever made. You’re weak Jack. You’re weak and you’re pathetic. Now get out of my house.” At that the man turned away, letting the belt drop to the floor as if nothing had happened. Laurens stared for a moment before he grabbed his shirt and tugged it on. He knew how his father was in this mood.

Laurens knew that if he stayed in the house then his father would come back and the pain Laurens was in would be nothing to what he would be in.

So he scurried up to his room, ignoring how his back shrieked at him at every turn. He grabbed his school bag and shoved the work back in before he run from the house. When he was a few streets away he tried to collect himself. Yorktown wasn’t that far away, close enough that he could walk.

Laurens started the long, painful walk. Every time his back twisted, pain rocketed through him. The weight of the backpack on the fresh injuries was bad enough without that added hindrance.

When he arrived at Yorktown Laurens felt exhausted, ready to collapse at any moment. He knocked on the door and heard the racket start up inside as the teens argued over who should get the door. Eventually it was Angelica who came to the door. She spotted Laurens and her face immediately fell.

“Shit.”

“Do I look that bad?” Laurens asked, hoping that he sounded a bit less pathetic than he’d imagined. Angelica’s face seemed to suggest that he’d failed.

“Come in.” Angelica hustled him inside just as Alexander came out of the living room. He took one look at Laurens before his face darkened. Alexander strode forwards and grabbed Laurens’ arm before all but dragging him up the stairs. Angelica followed close behind him. Laurens let himself be led into a room and he collapsed onto the bed.

“Who did this?” Angelica asked softly. Laurens just shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it fucking matters!” Alexander spat out, taking Laurens’ face and gently turning it side to side. Laurens found that he couldn’t meet the other boy’s eyes. “We-” Before Alexander could say anything else someone shouted Angelica’s name down in the hallway. Angelica stood, frowning.

“Wh- who is it?” Laurens asked. Angelica shook her head before answering.

“Laf. Or Jefferson. I-” She turned back to Alexander who just nodded. She then all but ran from the room. Laurens watched her go numbly.

“You need to take your shirt off.”

“Wh-what?”

“You’re bleeding.” Alexander gestured to Laurens’ back as he spoke and Laurens gulped.

“I-”

“Let me check it out and just look, okay? I can help you.” As he said this Alexander scurried over to a bag in the corner and pulled out a roll of bandages, a bottle of something and a shirt. “You can wear this after. If you don’t have any clothes I mean. I think I’m a bit shorter than you but it should work. Or maybe I can go and get somebody else to get a shirt. But then that would mean telling one of them that you’re hurt. It should be fine anyway, my shirts are all too big for me and-”

“Do you ever shut up?” Laurens asked. Alexander stared at him for a moment as Laurens worked out quite how rude that had been. “I-I-”

“It’s fine. You still need to take your shirt off though.”

“Yeah.” Laurens tugged his shirt off and turned slowly to show Alexander his back. Alexander didn’t even acknowledge the cuts or ask how they’d been made. Instead he just sat on the edge of the bed and slowly dabbed the edges of the cuts with whatever had been in the bottle. Laurens quickly realised it must have been antiseptic because it stung like hell.

“Aren’t you going to ask?” Laurens asked, with a tight throat. Alexander paused at that before replying.

“In my experience that won’t help.”

“What will?”

“Nothing.” Alexander scoffed after his own words. “Getting out.”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“What happened to you? To- to know that.” Laurens turned as he spoke, facing Alexander fully now. The teen was staring at him warily. He sighed and put down the bottle before responding.

“It’s a long story.”

“I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Okay.” Alexander bit his lip gently before responding. When he did his words were slow, nothing like the word vomit that had been there just a few moments before. “My dad was never in the picture. He left before I can remember. My mother died a few years ago. I went to stay with my cousin but that- that didn’t work out.”

“How come?”

“He killed himself. Left me with nothing. Didn’t leave a will, probably didn’t even fucking think about it.” Alexander scoffed. “He didn’t even bother waiting until I was out of the house. It-” Alexander paused and Laurens shifted uncomfortably.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Laurens murmured. “It- it’s okay.”

“He shot himself. He- he died on top of me. I couldn’t get out until the-the police came.”

“Fuck.” Laurens whispered. Alexander nodded and took in a deep breath before he continued.

“A hurricane destroyed my town not long after that. I was- I was glad actually. I was living with some old family friends and they were offered a way to South Carolina.”

“That’s where I’m from. Where were you before that?”

“The Caribbean.”

“You’re Caribbean?”

“Half Caribbean, half Scottish.”

“Wouldn’t have guessed the Scottish.”

“My dad’s side.” Alexander shrugged after that. “Anyway, it worked out for a while but that family didn’t have enough money. Eventually they had to give me up. After that I bounced across the country. A lot of foster homes, lot of abusive ones I mean. They’d beat me and starve me. Last one didn’t get the chance. I- I had heard things about it. Rumours and- crying.” Alexander curled in on himself slightly.

“Crying?”

“In the night some of the other children would cry. I- I left. Lived on the streets ever since. Got picked up a few days ago and brought here.”

“That’s-” Laurens broke off, not even sure of where to start. Alexander nodded.

“It could have been worse.”

“Now I just feel like an ass.”

“Why?”

“This,” Laurens indicated his back. “Was just my dad.”

“Does he do it a lot?”

“I guess.” Laurens shrugged and Alexander nodded. Laurens was amazed he’d said even that much. Normally he said nothing, not even to the other people at Yorktown. But there was something about Alexander. The teen seemed to have a fire in his chest, blazing away at anyone trying to touch him. But he’d let Laurens in and Laurens was slowly feeling the fire in his own chest longing for more heat.

He’d once been fiery like Alexander, fiery and loud and never apologetic.

Now he couldn’t stop apologising.

“Do you want him to stop?” Alexander asked.

“Of course!”

“Hit him back.”

“What?” Laurens exclaimed. “No!”

“If you want your dad to stop hurting you then you hurt him worse.”

“I’m not going to attack my dad!”

“Then report him.”

“I- I can’t.”

“You still love him.” Alexander said it as if he was confused, as if he couldn’t begin to comprehend what Laurens was saying.

“Course I do. He’s my dad.”

“So when do you stand up for yourself? When do you rise up? When do you put your foot down and be who you are?”

“I don’t know.” Laurens mumbled. Alexander frowned before nodding.

“What else does he do?”

“Nothing. Well-” Laurens paused, deliberating. “He uh- he-” Laurens broke off.

“Go on. I won’t tell anybody. I promise.”

“Nothing like that. He sent me to a uh- a conversion therapy place.” Laurens’ voice was soft and Alexander sighed.

“Fuck.”

“Ye-yeah.” Laurens choked out. “Not a great time.”

“Those places should be fucking illegal.” Alexander clenched his fist as he spoke. “I swear, there’s no reason they should be considered healthy. Half of the people who go there kill themselves! And-”

“Please don’t.” Laurens’ voice was quiet but Alexander heard him. He instantly stopped talking and frowned. “I- I know the statistics Alexander. I- I _saw_ those statistics.” Alexander was silent for a moment after that before he looked up, locking eyes with Laurens.

“Sorry. That was- that was insensitive.”

“Hmm.” Laurens nodded absentmindedly and reached for his shirt. Before he could touch it Alexander shot out his hand, covering Laurens’. Laurens glanced at him and frowned as he saw Alexander’s face. It looked like he was arguing with himself.

“I- If he ever tries that again tell me. It’s- it’s okay to just be- to be you. You’re pretty incredible as you are.”

Alexander released his hand and Laurens grabbed his shirt, pulling it on over his bandages. The two sat in silence for a long moment and for the first time in years Alexander didn’t feel the urge to fill it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAMS!


	6. My Parent's Dying Wish Before They Passed

Some things affected Burr far more than they should. Noise was one. Whenever there was noise he began to panic. Children shouting meant an adult was about to get angry. Anger meant pain.

Throughout his time at Yorktown that lesson had begun to fade but it had never left, not really. At dinners he sat at the very edge of the table, taking slow breaths to calm himself. If someone touched him he’d jump, not quite able to stop himself. That normally caused the table to quieten but that was even worse.

Silence was difficult. Silence meant an answer was expected, a hit was coming. It meant something was about to happen and on Burr’s worst days that never meant anything good.

But it was odd, not once had it happened at Yorktown. Not once had Washington hit him, hit any of them. It helped soothe Burr’s shaking hands, helped the flinches he couldn’t stop and let him not silence the others when they were too loud.

Nothing helped the nightmares. Burr didn’t think anything would.

Burr cowered under the desk. He knew he couldn’t, knew he wasn’t there anymore, this foster father was in jail. But as Burr felt the rough scratching of the wall behind him it felt real as hell.

All he could hear was the shouting that bounced across the house. Burr heaved in breaths that were too loud, that were summoning the man, the monster, closer. He needed to stop, to be quiet but he couldn’t. Everything he did was so much, his heart screamed at every pound, his empty stomach roared into the silence with an energy Burr hadn’t had in a long time.

A hand shot down, dragging Burr out from the desk. He couldn’t help the squeal that escaped him. It was as if a dam was broken. He opened his mouth, mumbling apology after apology. The man towering above him snarled his mouth upwards, what would be a smile apart from the fangs that extended as well.

The monster threw Burr to the floor. The boy was still murmuring apologies and the monster roared, throwing down taloned fingers to grasp at Burr’s throat. The words stopped, instantly drying in his mouth as Burr struggled just for air. The creature grinned that same fang filled smile before bringing its other hand to Burr’s throat, trailing gently over the skin before curling down.

Burr started awake, struggling to breathe, the phantom blood pouring down his throat.

“It’s not real.” Burr whispered, barely heard even to himself. “He’s gone. He’s gone. He- he’s gone.” Burr rubbed at his eyes for a moment as his tears slowly dried up. “You’re okay.” As Burr curled in on himself he wasn’t sure if he’d ever told himself a bigger lie.

 

When Burr fully woke it was still dark outside. He raised a shaky hand to his throat to assure himself it was still intact, not crushed or split. It was a common theme of his dreams, that he couldn’t talk. He didn’t talk much anyway but he still held a belief that he would one day. When he was safe, when people wouldn’t hit him for talking. He would talk then, talk until the world stood still and listened for once.

He just needed to be quiet until then, to hear how other people spoke, to learn and evolve.

Burr stayed in his room, reading, until the sun had almost risen. It was only then that he let himself go downstairs to make himself breakfast. He shook off the feeling that still hung around him when he reached for food. He was allowed to eat here, he wouldn’t be hit for it. He wouldn’t be hit for anything.

His shaking hands wouldn’t take the cereal packet.

Burr stared at his hands for a long moment before letting it drop. He looked to the floor and took in several deep, calming, breaths.

“You deserve to eat.” He whispered. “You are allowed to eat. You deserve to eat.” Burr looked back to the cereal and grabbed it, ignoring how wrong it felt. He then put some into a bowl, poured milk over it and sat down at the table. He stared down at the cereal, breathing heavily. Slowly he took a bite.

He passed the cereal around his mouth as he chewed, ignoring how it seemed to grow heavy, how it lost its taste. Burr tried to swallow it down but found he couldn’t. It was as if there was a barrier, as if the food didn’t want to go. Burr took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax, before he swallowed the food down.

It left roughness down the length of his throat and Burr immediately stiffened, hand curling into a fist. It was just all too similar to the choking his foster families had been all too happy to do. They’d choke him until he stopped talking, then stopped moving. Burr was just lucky that they didn’t kill him.

On days like this he wasn’t happy about that luck.

Burr stood and poured the cereal into the bin, staring at it morosely. He was still hungry but that wasn’t important now. The emptiness was almost comforting, it showed that he was following a rule. Following the rules was the only way to survive in the other houses.

“Do you rather being called Aaron or Burr?” Burr jumped slightly at the voice and whirled to see Alexander standing in the doorway. Burr frowned slightly, trying to make his brain work out the sentence. “Most people don’t like being called by their surname. But apparently Lafayette, Laurens and Jefferson don’t worry about it so maybe it was just something here. I don’t really mind what I’m called to be honest. I mean, I do. But I’ve been called worse than my name, you know?” Alexander smiled at the end of that, as if it was a joke. Burr just stared back, almost shell shocked by how much this boy talked.

“So is it Burr or Aaron? I don’t mind which one but I should know what your name is, even if I’m not going to stay here long.” Alexander paused for a second, long enough for Burr to look confused, before ploughing on. “I don’t think I’ll be here long anyway. Haven’t stayed anywhere for a long time in ages. Not since I first came here really. Before that it was just a lot of moving. Didn’t really stay anywhere for long. Wasn’t easy I guess. Easier than most I think. I mean I know some people had it a lot worse than I ever did. I mean I only ever got hit, you know?” Alexander paused after that, as if he hadn’t meant to say that. Burr took that time to walk across the room to the whiteboard that hung on the wall. Alexander followed him curiously.

**I can’t talk today**

**I don’t mind what you call me**

Burr showed Alexander the two lines and the boy frowned.

“You can’t talk? But you have talked. I know you’re not dumb. Does it come and go? Is it selective mutism? I think there should be a different name for that anyway. It sounds like it’s just a choice but it isn’t. I knew someone with it in one of my families and they had so much trouble in school. And-” Alexander broke off again, fidgeting slightly.

**I do not have selective mutism**

**My voice box was hurt a long time ago and has not recovered**

“How’d it get hurt?” Alexander asked, walking over to the abandoned cereal box, pouring himself a large bowl. Burr winced at that. Wasn’t that too much? What if he was punished? Would Burr have to step in? Would Washington-

“Aaron?” Alexander asked. Burr looked up from the bowl. “Are you hungry?” Burr shook his head. Alexander tilted his head to the side slightly, looking between the bowl and Burr. “Do you have an issue with that? Eating I mean? It’s quite common. Lot of people do. Higher number if the kid’s in care. It’s the same for most things actually. Kids in care normally have a shittier life.” Alexander laughed at that, a hollow noise Burr didn’t like. “On top of everything else we also get shitty medical problems.”

Burr sat down at the table across from Alexander, bringing the whiteboard with him.

**I don’t have an eating disorder**

Alexander nodded thoughtfully at that in between stuffing his face with cereal. Burr forced himself to calm down. Alexander needed food, he was almost skin and bones. Washington wouldn’t hurt Alexander for eating, Washington would never do that.

“Were you hurt for that?”

Burr’s head snapped up at that. Alexander was staring at him with an understanding Burr himself didn’t understand.

**What?**

“Did your other families hurt you for eating?” Alexander’s voice was quiet as he stared at Burr, the food forgotten.

**Why are you asking?**

“One family used to hurt me for it. Used to beat me if I asked for more. It was like a really fucked up version of Oliver.” Alexander smiled after that but his smile dropped away. “Took me a while to get over it, having food withheld. It fucks you up real good. One of the kids in that house killed themselves.”

**I’m sorry.**

Alexander shook his head at that. “The fucking parents were to blame Aaron. Not you. Anyway, they got what they deserved.”

**Jail time?**

“No.” Alexander smirked and this time it wasn’t sad or understanding, it was vicious. “It was their kid.”

Before Burr could think of an answer to that Washington walked into the room. Alexander’s eyes snapped to the man, hostility obvious in his gaze. Burr just smiled, fighting to keep the expression on his face.

Washington looked at both of them before walking past and grabbing a pan.

“Did you sleep well, you two?”

“Yeah.” Alexander said shortly. Washington looked back to Burr who just nodded.

“Can’t talk today?” Washington asked sympathetically. Burr nodded again and Washington sighed. “Pity. You have the debate today. I know you’ve been looking forward to it.” Burr inclined his head. He hadn’t been looking forward to it, he hated spouting off half-truths for a grade, but it was much better to lie to himself than disappoint Washington.

“There’s a debate?” Alexander asked, curiously. Burr glanced at him, wanting to silence him. “What’s it about?”

“The Electoral college.” Washington responded. Burr frowned as Alexander’s eyes lit up.

“The Electoral College?” He repeated, as if he couldn’t believe it. “That’s such an interesting topic! I mean it’s such a bizarre system! Why would the founding fathers who were so intent on making sure there would never be a King or some kind of higher class, force the president to be chosen by a group of officials that the people cannot choose? In a system that’s dedicated so much to stopping one man rise to power it feels wrong that they give a select few the power to change it as if they forgot that the monarchy was never one person. Someone can’t rule on their own, they have to have power behind them. It’s even more antiquated now because most of the electorates aren’t allowed to vote against the people’s vote. When that happens there’s not really any point in keeping the system because if someone rose to power who was incompetent and a threat to the country it’s unlikely that the Electoral College could actually do anything. It’s never even been held up in Congress! And-”

“You do talk a lot.” Washington remarked with a smile. Burr glanced up, clenching his hand into a fist again. Alexander just shrugged.

“I like talking about stuff.”

“Have you thought of a future in politics?”

This question seemed to stump Alexander. He opened his mouth before closing it and frowning.

“I don’t think so. Not really anyway.”

Burr sighed as he filled in the blanks, Alexander had never imagined a future. Washington didn’t seem to notice, just continued cooking. As more and more people trickled down it became easier for Burr to slip away, clutching to the whiteboard as if it was a life line.

Alexander watched him go with a frown. There was something Burr wasn’t telling him. Alexander was going to find out.

 

Burr sat in the back of the class as his group stood at the top. They were almost lecturing the class. It was dull, beyond dull really. Burr just wanted to sleep but he couldn’t. There was a twitchiness running throughout his body that he couldn’t help. Every sound he heard made him expect something more, every movement form the teacher had him on edge.

Burr sighed. It was going to be a long day.

Just as he was thinking that, the door swung open. The teacher turned as a girl stepped in. She had dark brown skin and black curls that tumbled across her shoulders. She smiled hesitantly as she walked in.

“Can I help you?” The teacher asked, rising. The girl nodded.

“I uh, I think this is my class?”

“What’s your name?”

“Theodosia. Theodosia Prevost. Did I mess up?” She laughed awkwardly at that and Burr almost felt his mouth drop open.

“Ah yes, Theodosia. I have been expecting you. Please,” The man gestured to the classroom at large and Theodosia glanced around. “This is Theodosia. She’s just moved here from another school and will be joining us. Theodosia you can sit next to Aaron.” The teacher gestured to Burr who smiled at Theodosia. He wasn’t sure if he’d stopped smiling yet.

Theodosia sat down next to him, glancing around the room.

“Hey.” She whispered. “Call me Theo. Theodosia’s just a bit too long.” Theodosia stared straight at Burr as she spoke and he bit his lip before reaching for the whiteboard.

**Call me Aaron**

“Can you not talk?” Theodosia asked curiously. Burr shook his head with a smile.

**Normally can. Long story**

“Oh. Well uh, I can’t always hear right.” Theodosia pulled back part of her hair to reveal a hearing aid. “Looks like we’re going to make a great match.”

**It does indeed**

 

All the way back to Yorktown Burr was smiling, a faint smile as he typed away at his phone. Angelica had noticed it instantly and had tried for the entire trip to get him to explain. Burr had said nothing.

The instant that Burr stepped into Yorktown the warm feeling he couldn’t quite place vanished. Washington was stood waiting for them in the hallway. Almost instinctively Burr froze, letting the other children walk in front of him. He clutched his board tight, so tight his fingers went white.

“We need to have a discussion.” Washington stated, staring at the group. Burr took in a breath before following the others into the living room. He caught Angelica’s eye who had also stiffened, ready to fight.

When they had all sat down in the living room Washington surveyed them all with a critical eye. Burr forced himself to breathe, forced himself to calm down. Freaking out now would just lead to another session of counselling. It never did anything and when he went to them he was a burden, only more likely to be punished.

“Is there anything,” Washington’s voice was even but with an anger behind it that was obvious to everyone in the room. “Anything at all, that you want to tell me?” Silence reigned the room for a moment before Washington continued. “I’ve had some reports on your behaviours. How do you think that this is acceptable?” His voice rose as he spoke and Aaron forced himself to take a deep breath. Washington wasn’t angry, not really. Washington wouldn’t hurt him, no matter how angry he got. He was safe.

As Washington took a step closer Aaron didn’t feel safe.

“Alexander, you got into a fight.”

“So what if I did?” Alexander spat out. “He fucking deserved it.”

“Watch your tone, son.” Washington warned. Alexander just glared mutinously back. “I don’t accept that language being used in my house.”

“What the fuck are you going to do about it?” Alexander stood up, glaring at the man. Lafayette, at his side tensed before reaching a hand out to Alexander.

“Mon ami, s’il vous plait ne pas.”

“Get off me.” Alexander pulled his arm away from Lafayette. Burr watched him, trying to tamp down the worry he felt for the teen. Washington wouldn’t hurt him.

“Hamilton, sit back down.” Washington barked out. Alexander just glared back at him.

“Or what? You can’t make me do a goddamn thing!”

“Sit down Hamilton.” Washington’s voice took on a dangerous tone and Alexander just glared back. “I told you to sit down.”

“Or what?” Alexander hissed out. Washington stared at him for several long moments.

“Aaron, Peggy, Eliza you can go. You had nothing to do with this.”

Aaron rose shakily, staring between Alexander and Washington. For the first time there was something resembling fear in Alexander’s eyes. It was mixed with trepidation that Aaron knew all too well.

Aaron hurried out of the room, racing up the stairs and collapsing onto his bed. His breath was ragged and too fast. There wasn’t enough air in the room as he continued to gulp it in. Burr felt the walls close in on him and tried to scream, tried to do anything. But his voice was gone, his air was gone and the world seemed to be fading into darkness. Burr spiralled downwards until he felt his head hit the floor.

“Burr!”

Someone was calling his name. He wasn’t sure who. They sounded angry. Or maybe it was worried. Burr curled into himself, moving his head closer to his body. Concussion was the worst.

“Burr!”

Burr winced. It had to be his foster father, back for more. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was angry, maybe he was bored. It didn’t matter. It was always Burr he’d go for, always Burr because he was stupid enough to annoy the man.

Burr never could shut up.

“Burr!”

As soon as something touched his arm Burr reacted. He lashed out wildly and backed away until his back hit the wall. He then cowered back into himself as tears rushed down his face.

“Oh my god.” A soft voice whispered out. “Burr, I’m not going to hurt you.” Something touched Burr’s arm again but the touch was light, it wasn’t possessive and it didn’t hurt. Burr paused for a moment, trying to make his brain work.

“W-who-”

“It’s Eliza. Come on.” The hand gently raised Burr’s head. Burr let it happen, knowing all too well what would happen if he resisted. He was met with Eliza’s worried face.

“Liza?” Burr asked in confusion.

“Yeah. I’m here.” Eliza all but whispered. “What happened Burr?”

“W-what?”

“You were having a panic attack.”

“I-”

“Was it Washington? You know he won’t hurt us. He wouldn’t even think about it.”

“I-I know but-”

“It’s difficult to trust him?” Burr nodded and Eliza sighed. “I know. I know how difficult it is to admit when you’re scared, when you can’t cope. It must be-” Eliza shook her head. “It was only ever my dad who hurt me. He only actually hurt me once. I get scared around angry people because of Angelica not me. I can’t imagine-” Eliza trailed off and Burr nodded.

“Thank you.” Burr said, as sincerely as he could. Eliza frowned at that.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You got me out of a panic attack. That’s not nothing.” A door slammed in some other part of the house and they both flinched. Eliza looked to the door and bit her lip.

“I should- should probably-”

“Go. I can handle myself.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes.” Burr smiled tiredly. “I’ll be okay. I promise.” Eliza nodded and stood up, all but running from the room. Burr sighed, letting the smile slip off his face. He didn’t want to talk to Eliza about this, he didn’t want to talk to anybody about it. Despite being one of the longest occupants of Yorktown the people knew very little about him.

As Burr lay there his phone buzzed. He unlocked it and smiled gently as he saw Theodosia had texted him.

**From: Theo**

**You said there was a long story behind your voice. Wanna share?**

Burr stared at the message and suddenly he wanted to. He wanted to tell her, wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to talk.

**To: Theo**

**It’s not a very happy story**

**From: Theo**

**That’s okay**

**To: Theo**

**I’m an orphan. My parents died when I was very young in a house fire. I didn’t have any other living relative I could go to. Instead I got put into the system**

**From: Theo**

**The foster system?**

**To: Theo**

**Yeah**

**From: Theo**

**I’ve heard horror stories about that**

**To: Theo**

**There are a lot of them**

Burr took in a deep breath before he continued. This was going to take a bit of time.

**To: Theo**

**My foster families never liked how much I talked. They reacted differently but still. The first one just gave me up quickly. The others weren’t so nice. They beat me when I got into trouble or when I decided to disobey them or talked too much. It was manageable because I’d be moved to a different home**

Burr sent the message then waited a second, no good in overwhelming her with his tragic backstory.

**From: Theo**

**Oh god. I’m so sorry Aaron**

**To: Theo**

**One time before they sent me back I gave the parents at the time a real earful. The man choked me until I nearly passed out. It hurt to talk for a few days but then it was better. In the house before now the man was very strict. He’d choke me whenever I talked back. I figured out pretty quickly that no-one would help me. I’d been moved around too much and that was my last hope. Kids in care homes don’t get to college a lot**

**To: Theo**

**Didn’t fit in one text.**

**I stayed in that house for a few years and he’d choke me most days. In the end I didn’t talk a lot but whenever I did he’d choke me. I passed out a few times and it got to the point where I couldn’t speak for weeks straight. No-one really cared. When I finally left my throat was ruined. So some days I just can’t talk**

Burr stared at the screen nervously, deciding to exclude the times when his throat didn’t hurt, when it just closed up for no reason when he was scared. Theodosia didn’t need to know that.

**From: Theo**

**I’m so sorry Aaron. That sounds terrible. Are you somewhere safe now?**

**To: Theo**

**Yes. Yorktown is kind of known for the kids with bad stories**

**From: Theo**

**Doesn’t sound like there could be anybody with a worse story than you**

**To: Theo**

**Unfortunately there’s plenty**

**From: Theo**

**Wow. Now my story seems pretty tame**

**To: Theo**

**What’s your story?**

**From: Theo**

**Genetic**

**To: Theo**

**What?**

**To: Theo**

**My deafness is just genetic. When I was born I could hear but it’s going but by bit. I don’t know how much longer I have. For now I can still hear with my aids. I also know an impressive amount of sign language :)**

**From: Theo**

**Could you teach me some? I’d love to learn**

**To: Theo**

**Sure! Get into school nice and early and I’ll give you your first lesson**

**To: Theo**

**I look forward to it.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Theodosia being deaf is not my original headcanon as I've said before. I feel like that needs to be pointed out (also I've done some research on this topic but if there's anything glaring bad with how I'm showing her deafness please tell me)


	7. I Can't Believe That We Are Free

Alexander watched with trepidation as Burr, Peggy, Lafayette and Eliza left the room. Burr cast one look back and he looked- he looked scared. Alexander realised this was it, this was when he’d be punished. It had been a long time coming after all.

Some families liked to do that, to tempt him with the vision of a happy family only to pull it away when he needed it so desperately. They’d wait until he was happy, until he was safe. That would be when they’d take out their belt and beat him senseless.

Those times were the worst, when Alexander would go to sleep crying. He was never sure if it was from the pain or from the betrayal. Maybe both.

“If you’re trying to make me hit you, then you’re going to be standing for a long time. I do not resort to violence. The punishments in this house are never physical. Now sit down, son.” Alexander frowned before slowly sitting back down. Washington then looked around the room.

“Angelica, James Jefferson, Alexander, why did you attack that person?”

“He deserved it.” Alexander spat out. Washington glared at him and Alexander looked away.

“It was my fault.” James piped up. “Sorry.”

“Bullshit.” Jefferson muttered.

“What happened? Start at the beginning.” The teens swapped glances and it was eventually Jefferson who spoke.

“They were being cruel. We decided to stop it.”

“And you immediate resorted to violence? You know better than that.”

“It wasn’t immediately.” Alexander grumbled.

“Did you try to talk to them first?” Washington asked. The eyes flicked over to James for a moment before Angelica spoke.

“Sir, what they were saying, there wasn’t room for talk.”

“What were they saying?” Again, eyes flickered over to James for just a second, a second long enough for Washington to notice. “James, did they say something to you?”

“It wasn’t important.” James mumbled out.

“Bullshit.” Jefferson spat out again.

“Language.” Washington added, almost absentmindedly. “What did they say?”

“Nothing new.”

“James, if you tell me I can make sure they won’t call you that again. The Principal was very surprised that you were involved with this and he wants to know what you have to say on this matter.”

James nodded, biting at his lip before finally relenting.

“They were just saying stuff about me being a cripple. That I’m only in top set cause people feel sorry for me. That uh- that I shouldn’t have been born. That it’s good that my parents are dead because they- they don’t have to be burdened with me.” James shrugged after that, seeming to shrink in on himself. “It’s nothing new.” Washington sighed at that. Alexander looked incensed.

“And I presume you,” Washington gestured to the other teens. “Came to his defence.”

“Of course we did.” Alexander snapped out. “And they said worse than that.”

“What exactly did they say?”

“He said that James was disabled because he’s gay. Because God punishes sinners.” Alexander snarled the words out and Washington sighed.

“James?”

“Ye-yeah. They uh, they said that as well.”

“What?” Jefferson snapped out. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“It’s fine! They say it. I know it’s not true.”

“Alexander, please start from the beginning. Tell me everything.”

“Okay. Well, it was lunch and I saw James talking with a group of boys. There were four of them. James looked upset so I went up to them.”

“Do you know the name of these people?” Washington interjected. Alexander shook his head.

“Sam Seabury, Charles Lee and a couple of seniors I don’t know.” Angelica offered. Alexander nodded before continuing.

“I walked over and heard the shit they were saying. All of that bullshit about being gay and disabled. They’re close minded bastards and I told them so. When they just laughed I hit one of them.”

“Sam Seabury.” Angelica interjected again. “That was when I came in. I saw Alex hitting one of them so I pulled him off.”

“Which you didn’t need to do. I can handle myself. Anyway, I told them to fuck off and they went to kick James.”

“That was all I saw.” Jefferson added in. “I walked over and made it clear that wasn’t okay. They said more stuff about James and I told them to shut up and walk away. When they didn’t, I punched Lee. It went downhill from there.”

Washington sighed at that, rubbing at his temples.

“So, you all reacted to James being threatened. All of you, apart from James.”

“I’ve heard it before.” James mumbled. “I- I could take it.”

“I’ll talk to the principal tomorrow. What you did was unacceptable. We do not solve problems with violence. However, there are always exceptions. Now go.”

Alexander frowned as the others rose and moved to walk out the room. He followed, still frowning. When they were outside Jefferson glanced at him.

“You didn’t think he was going to hit you did you?”

“Fuck off Jefferson.” Alexander snapped. Angelica and James had already disappeared into a different room so it was only the two of them in the corridor. Jefferson frowned.

“You really did. He won’t. The punishments in here are being grounded, having to do extra chores, shit like that. I uh,” Jefferson frowned, staring off into the distance for a moment as he tried to gather his thoughts. “I wanna thank you.”

“What?”

“I wanna thank you for standing up for James. Not everybody would.”

“You’re thanking me?” Alexander scoffed. “What?”

“Don’t act like an idiot. I care about James. He’s my friend.”

“He’s the only person who can fucking tolerate you, you mean.”

“You’re not so tolerable yourself, you know.” Jefferson snarled out.

“Shut the fuck up.” Alexander snapped back. Jefferson regained himself and shrugged before he walked off. Alexander watched him go with narrowed eyes before striding upstairs, slamming the door behind him. It was immature, sure, but it made him feel so much better.

He didn’t understand Jefferson. From the moment they’d met, Jefferson had been nothing but hostile. He’d laughed at Alexander and mocked him. Thanking Alexander? It didn’t make any sense.

The anger slowly faded from him as he remembered the exact words that had been thrown at James, more vicious than he’d admitted to Washington. Alexander didn’t know why James was hiding that but Alexander wasn’t going to be the one to tell Washington what the kids had actually said.

All of the words about how James’ parents were lucky they were dead, those struck far too close to home for Alexander. He knew the words weren’t true, it had just been a bunch of bullies lashing out at an easy target. Even so, Alexander couldn’t quite shift the feeling that the biggest problem was that it had been targeted at the wrong person; it should have been targeted at Alexander.

He wondered sometimes if he shouldn’t have been born, if he was considered smart because people pitied him, what his mother would think of if she was still alive.

Alexander put his head into his hands at that thought. It was his fault, his fault that his mother had died a long agonising death. If he hadn’t been sick then she wouldn’t have died. It was simple, it was his fault.

It was something he’d learned long ago and no-one had allowed him to forget it, least of all him.

                                                   

The rest of the evening passed with nothing eventful happening. Burr came downstairs with that same smile he always wore. If Alexander had looked closely he could almost imagine it was real, for the first time.

It was only when night fell that things went downhill.

Alexander sat at his desk, tapping his feet as he heard the house around him quieten down to nothing. When the house was silent he stood. He didn’t have much time for this.

He grabbed his bag and shoved in the few sets of clothes Washington had got for him. He tamped down the guilt. He didn’t ask for this, he didn’t ask for any of this. Washington had taken him, he had been coping on his own.

Alexander refused to think about the cough that had only just started to clear up. It was better that he was alone where people couldn’t hurt him, damn the consequences.

No-one had been able to hit him on the streets. It had been hell but it had been a hell he knew and understood, nothing like the hell of Yorktown where there weren’t punishments. Better the devil he knew.

When he had a few pairs of clothes in his bag he crept down the stairs, making sure that every step was almost silent. When he reached the ground floor his first stop was the kitchen where he began to fill the rest of the bag with whatever food he could reach.

“Leaving already?”

Alexander jumped violently. His bag slipped out of his hands and food spilled across the floor. He whirled on his heel to see Washington stood behind him. Washington was stood in the doorway, blocking the only escape route.

Alexander scrambled backwards and stared at him in horror. He knew what happened to children who stole food. His breath picked up and he could feel tears pricking at his eyes as tremors ran through his body.

Washington stepped forwards and Alexander scrambled back until his back hit the wall. He was struggling to get air into his body but Washington didn’t seem to notice in the dark kitchen. He loomed over Alexander.

“I don’t like it when children steal from me.”

“I-I’m sorry, sir.” Alexander whispered. Washington sighed and turned the light on. Alexander knew that he looked a mess and Washington spotted it immediately. He raised his hands calmly.

“I don’t hurt children Alexander.”

“Y-yes s-sir.” Alexander couldn’t make his voice stronger. He knew that he was seconds away from being beaten. Washington was tall enough and strong enough to do Alexander serious damage. Washington stepped forwards and Alexander closed his eyes and hunched over as he expected the first hit.

“You’re safe.” Washington said softly. Alexander nodded quickly but couldn’t meet Washington’s eyes. Washington frowned but didn’t move forwards. “Why were you running Alexander?”

“I- I wasn’t sir.”

“Then what were you doing?”

“Just- I was- I-” Alexander shook his head. Washington sighed.

“Alexander, I am not going to hurt you.” As Washington spoke he took a step backwards. “I want to know what is so terrible that you had to leave.”

“It’s not my fucking home!” Alexander spat out. “None of you get to- to pretend! I- you don’t-” Alexander broke off with a flinch as Washington leant forwards. Tears began to trickle down his face and his breathing picked up until he was almost hyperventilating.

Washington cursed under his breath and walked towards Alexander. Alexander tried to shy away but Washington just placed a hand on Alexander’s shoulder.

“Breathe with me.”

“I- I-” Alexander broke off as he ran out of air. Washington started talking, running through how to control his breathing. After what seemed like forever Alexander felt his breathing slide down into something reasonable.

After a few more moments he opened his eyes and stared at Washington. His face was tear streaked and he looked pathetic. Washington didn’t seem to care.

“Why were you leaving Alexander?”

“I- I don’t want to-” Alexander tried to make sense of it in his head. He didn’t want to be abandoned. It was easy. He didn’t want to be abandoned. “I don’t want them to hurt me.”

“Hurt?” Washington asked quietly. “Who did you think would hurt you?”

“Everyone hurts me or gets hurt.” Alexander whispered. “I- I- people around me get hurt. People around me hurt me I just- I just want-” Alexander shook his head and began to sob quietly. Washington sighed.

“Get back to bed, Alexander. We can talk about this in the morning.”

Alexander nodded and scrambled to his feet. He paused as he looked at his bag.

“Take it.” Washington commanded softly. Alexander nodded and grabbed it before he almost ran up the stairs. When he was back in his room he collapsed into a corner of the room. He curled in on himself and forced himself to calm down.

Washington could have beaten him in the kitchen. Washington could have done anything. He didn’t.

Alexander had no idea what to make of that.

 

“So it took you two weeks to try and leave.”

The voice jolted Alexander awake. He stared around and spotted Jefferson staring at him. Jefferson was leaning against the doorframe, still in his pyjamas. Alexander glared at him and shifted, wincing at the pain along his spine.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Just wondering what made you up and leave so quickly.”

“What?”

“You really thought your escape attempt was so quiet?”

“Fuck off.” Alexander stood and strode to Jefferson.

“I thought you’d stick around for a month at least. Not even strong enough for that, I see.”

“You don’t know a goddamn thing!”

“I heard you breaking down. Did you get scared Washington was gonna hit you again?” Jefferson sneered that out and Alexander curled his hands into fists. Jefferson glanced down but didn’t say anything.

“I’m gonna hit _you_ in a moment.”

“The cycle of violence continues. How refreshing.”

“Why do you give a fuck?”

“Made a bet with James.”

“What?”

“I reckoned you weren’t going to make it a month. Nearly got it as well.”

“Fuck you.”

“Tell me when you run next time, I might even be able to get you further than the kitchen.” Alexander glared at Jefferson who just smiled. “See you!” Jefferson called out in a sing song voice as he turned and left. That was it. Alexander wasn’t going to give that fucker an inch. A month? He’d fucking last a month. He’d prove that asshole wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson is a terrible person and I love him  
> Next chapter we focus on Laf and someone who was in the prequel comes back...


	8. There’s Reckoning To Be Reckoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fun facts, last chapter is the most edited chapter (and will probably keep that title.) Originally Hamilton did not try to run away and instead the chapter showed him slipping into a depression that lasted a few weeks, showed his previous suicide attempts and then showed him one day recovering immediately and swinging into this obsessive need to do something. I then realised I didn't know enough about bipolar disorder to properly write about it (so I wrote Ice Cold Perfection instead) and all of that was scrapped. (Also there was a vague idea of Hamilton hooking up with Jefferson buuuuuuuut that was deleted almost as soon as I'd written it. Which then also explains Ice Cold Perfection)

Lafayette sat at the school lunch table, silently mouthing words. Angelica was watching him closely as Lafayette bit his lip.

“What’s that?” Angelica asked. Lafayette jumped slightly before sighing.

“A presentation I must say.”

“What’s it on?”

“Does it matter?” Lafayette put his head down onto the table. “Je ne peux pas faire ça!”

“Try English, Gil.” Jefferson noted, absentmindedly as he sat down. “What’s the problem?”

“He needs to do a presentation.” Angelica said as Lafayette began to groan softly into the table. Jefferson watched him for a long moment, fighting the smile on his face, before relenting.

“Give me the cards.” He grabbed them, not waiting for Lafayette to protest. “Have you asked not to do it?”

“Oui!”

“Teacher said no?”

“Oui.” Lafayette murmured dejectedly, seeming to sink further into the table.

“Come on, it’s not that bad.” Jefferson shuffled through the cards for a moment. “You’re usually more prepared than this though. What happened?” Lafayette mumbled something in the table at that and Jefferson grinned. “Didn’t catch that.”

“Hercules. Mon ami abandoned me.”

“Hercules? I’m sure he’s just-” Jefferson paused for a second. “Busy. Now come on. This presentation isn’t anything without you.”

Lafayette groaned once more, and slowly tilted forwards until he was once more face down on the table.

 

When the final class of the day arrived, Lafayette was a mess. He was fidgeting nervously and biting on his lip. He’d have to talk English in front of a crowd, something he was never allowed to do. It was difficult enough to speak English in Yorktown where he knew he was safe. Now he was about to speak it in front of people who had mocked him about his speech before, who didn’t care.

Worse than that, Hercules had never turned up. There was no excuse, no message or text to apologise. Hercules hadn’t even responded to the texts that Lafayette had sent. If Lafayette was any less stressed over the presentation he’d be losing his mind over what might have happened. Hercules was careful to keep his phone on him at all times as it was often the only way he could talk with his mother.

Lafayette didn’t like that, didn’t like how the closest Hercules was to his mother some days was a string of letters talking about what food was in the cupboards. It was necessary, Lafayette understood that. Well, no, he corrected himself, he didn’t understand it.

He had never been poor, not at all. He had never gone hungry or had to wear second hand clothes because there weren’t any new ones. When something was broken he would throw it out. He had never wanted for anything.

Hercules needed what Lafayette had taken for granted.

Hercules had what Lafayette wanted more than anything; a loving family.

Yorktown was a decent replacement but it was always a replacement. It was nothing like those first few years with his father. While he’d never really known his mother he knew she was a good person who had loved him enough to carry him to term despite how dangerous it was.

Lafayette scoffed at that. On some days he wondered if it was his fault, that if he had not been born she might still be alive. There had been more than enough days when he wanted that to be true.

“Laf.” Eliza murmured, nudging him. Lafayette jumped slightly before turning to face her. “It’ll be alright, I promise. We’ve practiced this.”

“Mon ami, mon Englais is-”

“English Laf. I-” Eliza broke off, biting her lip and Lafayette nodded.

“That is what has made me worry. My English is not what it was.”

“It’s one dumb presentation. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Oui.”

As Lafayette spoke the teacher strode into the room.

“Now then, there’s no point putting this off. Does anyone want to go first?” No-one raised their hand and the teacher sighed. “Fine. You.” He pointed to someone and Lafayette felt his heart stop hammering like a jack rabbit. “Come on, stand at the front of the class.”

Lafayette watched their presentation, biting his lip. It would be his turn soon. He scanned the room, trying to count how many groups there could possibly be. He counted four more before the first presentation was done.

“Well that was… enlightening.” The teacher sighed as he stood at the front of the room again. “Eliza, bring your group up here.” Lafayette glanced at Eliza who smiled reassuringly back. Lafayette rose shakily walking to the front.

Lafayette had to speak first and he opened his mouth but nothing came out. He gulped, glancing to Eliza who just raised her eyebrows, trying to encourage him.

“Notre présentation sera sur -”

“English please Gilbert.” The teacher said. Lafayette nodded before opening his mouth again. “Our presentation will be on-” Lafayette froze as the word wasn’t there. It refused to come into his head, just sticking somewhere in the far recesses of his brain, in the words he’d locked up to never be used again. He could feel his breathing quicken and he glanced to Eliza again. She nodded and took over the presentation, introducing it and continuing into her own part.

When she had finished Lafayette couldn’t breathe. The breath was stuck in his throat and there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room.

“T-the most im-important thing is t-to remember that-” Lafayette trailed off again. It was as if every word he’d ever known in English had escaped, had run from his memory. He only had French and that wouldn’t help him. He stared at the class for a moment before turning and pulling the door open, running blindly down the corridor.

It was only when he was outside the building did he slow down, all but collapsing down onto a bench. He put his head in his hands, breathing deeply. He wasn’t having a panic attack but he was close, terrifyingly close.

He was so far in the fear that he didn’t realise someone had sat down next to him for several long moments.

“Hello Gilbert.”

Lafayette started, looking up. As soon as he saw the man next to him he scrambled to his feet, trying to get as far away as he could.

 “Y-you’re not allowed here!” Lafayette croaked out

“It’s public property.”

“George-” Lafayette broke off, the panic attack that he’d staved off returning full force.

“I am your father Lafayette. Come home.”

“No. I- you’re not me-meant to be here!”

“You’re my son and I’ll do whatever the hell I need to get you back!” With that George lunged forwards, catching Lafayette’s arm. “They haven’t let me see you in so long, Gilbert.”

“Be-because you hurt me!”

“I did what I should as a parent. You were the one who tried to kill yourself. I tried to help. I made you better!” There was a madness tinging George’s tone as he stared at Lafayette.

“N-non! You- you hurt me!” Lafayette’s voice trembled and George seemed to jump on it.

“I made you better. Where would you be without me? I made you into who you are!”

“I-I don’t-”

“Come with me Gilbert.”

“N-no. I don’t want to!”

“You don’t get what you want.” George tightened his grip and Lafayette found that his throat was too tight to say anything. George grinned at that and pulled him closer. Lafayette stumbled, his legs refusing to work. “Be a good child and you won’t get a beating.” Lafayette whimpered at that.

“Hey!” A voice rang out across the open space. Lafayette wasn’t sure what was happening, one moment there was a bruising grip around his arm and the next there was nothing.

“Laf? Oh my God, Laf?”

Lafayette took in a whimpering breath of air before collapsing back onto the bench as tears overwhelmed him.

“Laf? Wh-who was that?”

Lafayette looked up to see Hercules standing there. Hercules smiled weakly down at Lafayette before sitting down next to him.

“Mon pere.” Lafayette whimpered out.

“I can’t speak French, Laf. English, please?” Hercules’ weak smile continued as Lafayette nodded, taking a deep breath.

“M-my father.”

“You dad? I thought you were French?” Hercules squinted at him in confusion and Lafayette just nodded.

“M-my adopted father. He is-”

“What was he doing?”

“Trying to take me back.” Lafayette whimpered.

“What the hell happened to you before Yorktown?” Hercules asked in horror. Lafayette thought idly of the deep scars that still decorated his wrists.

“Please d-do not ask me th-that.”

“Okay. Shit, we gotta get you home Laf. You’re trembling like a leaf.”

“Oui.” Lafayette’s voice was shaking noticeably and Hercules sighed. “Pouvons-nous aller mon amour.” Lafayette didn’t feel Hercules stiffen slightly at the sentence, too busy trying to ground himself.

“Come on, I’m gonna call Washington.” With that Hercules pulled out his phone and selected the contact. He turned away from Lafayette slightly as if that would make the conversation easier. “Mr Washington, this is Hercules.”

“Why are you calling me during school Hercules?” Washington’s voice was patient, with only a slight undercurrent of weariness.

“I need you to come to the school. Laf’s not doing good.”

“What happened?” Hercules could hear Washington moving rapidly in the background.

“A man was here. I- Laf said he wasn’t meant to be here? Laf’s really out of it right now. He needs to get home.”

“I’m on my way. Try to keep him calm and keep on talking to him.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to hang up now. Keep an eye out for that man as well.”

“Is he dangerous?” Hercules asked, his heart jumping up a few notches.

“If it’s who I think it is he wouldn’t hurt you unless you got between him and Lafayette. I’ll explain more when I’m there.”

“Bye.” Hercules muttered before hanging up. He looked back to Lafayette who was still shaking. “Okay, Washington is coming. He won’t be long.”

“Il a dit que c'était de ma faute. Je n'aurais pas dû le faire. Je ne devrais pas être là. J'ai échoué. J'ai échoué.” Lafayette started crying at the last sentence and Hercules took a deep breath, wanting to track down that man and hurt him for doing this to Lafayette.

“Come on Laf, back to English alright? It’s gonna be fine. You just need to sit here for a bit and then Washington’s gonna be here.”

“What if he returns? What if- if he takes me?”

“I won’t let him. I’ll protect you. I swear.”

“Merci.” Lafayette smiled faintly and Hercules engulfed him in a hug.

“It’ll be all right Laf.”

Washington arrived within a few minutes, looking flustered for the first time Hercules had seen him. He walked straight to Lafayette and crouched down in front of him.

“Was it George Frederick?”

“Oui.” Lafayette whimpered out.

“We’ll find him. He’s not going to come anywhere near you again.”

“Can I go home?” Lafayette asked quietly. Washington nodded, standing. Lafayette stood as well, leaning heavily on Hercules. He seemed to have drained of energy, as if the simple encounter had done that.

“Can I go with him?”

“There’s no way I’d get you back into class, is there?”

“No sir.”

“Then yes.” Washington turned and walked towards his car. Lafayette didn’t move for a moment until Hercules nudged him gently.

The ride back was quiet. Hercules was holding Lafayette’s hand, gently rubbing circles into it, as Lafayette stared out of the window lost in thought. When they finally arrived at Yorktown Lafayette didn’t seem to notice it. It wasn’t until Hercules nudged him again that Lafayette moved.

Hercules glanced worriedly at Washington who just shook his head.

“Lafayette,” Washington stood in front of the boy, forcing him to look at the man. “Are you hurt?”

“Non.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“Yorktown.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Oui. May I go to my room please?”

“Yes. Hercules you can as well.”

Hercules bit his lip before nodding. Lafayette started walking as soon as he had been given permission and they were at his room in no time. When they were there Lafayette collapsed onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Hercules sat down next to him, trying to not touch the teen or fall off the bed himself.

“Who was that Laf?”

“I do not want to talk.” Lafayette responded. “He belongs to a different time.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“I said I did not wish to talk!” Lafayette snapped, sitting up.

“Sorry. I- I’m just worried.”

“Do not be. I am safe from him now. He will not hurt me here.” Lafayette sighed and shifted slightly to give Hercules more room on the bed. “Please, can we talk of something other?”

“Laf you- you said something.” Hercules worried his lip for a moment before he continued. “You said amour. I- I’m not great at French but…”

“Pardon.” Lafayette murmured, now not looking at Hercules. “It was just- just a misspeak on my part.”

“A-are you sure?”

“Why?” Lafayette shifted once more, this time to face Hercules fully.

“I- you sounded real when you said it is all. It means love, right?”

“Oui.”

“And not like, family?”

“That would be frere.”

“What does that mean?”

“Brother.”

“Am I your brother?” Hercules asked, not knowing what answer he wanted.

“Non.” Lafayette looked down as he answered. “But- but you are something. Something- Jefferson is mon frere. Washington, mon pere. I do not have a mere- a mother, not since I was very young. You are- are none of them. But you are something.”

“Do you have any more French words you want to confuse me with?” Hercules smiled weakly as he spoke and Lafayette shrugged.

“Do you wish to hear them?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Lafayette leant forwards and began to speak softly. Hercules didn’t understand a word of it. “Je pense à vous souvent. Je pense à vous comme plus qu'un frère. Je me demande ce que vos cheveux ressemblent à gris, ce que votre mère penserait de moi. Je pense à vous toucher, à vous retenir. Je pense à tout Et je ne peux rien dire.” 

“I dunno what you just said.” Hercules admitted. “But I think… I think I feel the same?”

“Que?”

“Tu est mon amour.” Hercules said with a slight grin. “I mean… if you.. if…”

“Tu es.”

“What?”

“Tu es mon amour. Not est.”

Hercules stared at him for a moment before he laughed and looked down. “Well I’m so sorry for forgetting French grammar.”

“Are you telling the truth?” Lafayette asked quietly. Hercules’ face dropped and he looked dead serious.

“Yeah. I- I am.”

“How long have you known you wished something of that like?”

“A long time.” Hercules shrugged before continuing. “Maybe since the first time I saw you. You were- you’re amazing Laf and I’m surprised no-one started dating you before.”

“Is that what we do now?”

“What?”

“Date?” Lafayette posed it as a question as his stomach tied itself in knots. Hercules smiled before nodding.

“Yeah. If you- if you’re okay with that.”

“I am, how you say, more than okay with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's not already obvious, George Frederick is King George 3rd who is also known as Mad King George so... I'm sure that bodes fantastically for Lafayette


	9. I get nervous thinking what's she going to do?

When school had finally ended Eliza hurried home, terrified about what state she’d find Lafayette in. When she did see him she was instantly calmed. He was smiling. It was faint but it was there. He and Hercules were sat on one of the sofas in the living room as they watched something on the TV. Eliza smiled at them before going to her room to do homework.

After a long, frustrating time Eliza heard a knock on her door. She frowned before responding to it.

“Come in.”

Eliza was surprised as Peggy walked into the room. She shuffled nervously before sitting down on Eliza’s bed.

“Peggy, is something wrong?”

“It’s not- it’s not wrong I guess. But-” Peggy sighed and Eliza put down her pen, turning all of her attention to her baby sister.

“What’s happened?”

“Dad’s been in contact with me again. He- he wants me to live with him. I know you and Angelica don’t like him but- he’s our dad Eliza! I can’t just ignore him!”

“Peggy this is-” Eliza sighed. “He’s not a good man.”

“I’m not a good daughter. Balances out, right?”

“No. I- I mean. He hit Angelica. A lot.”

“But he didn’t hit you or me. M-maybe it was just Angelica.”

“He didn’t hit us because Angelica didn’t let him. Whenever he got drunk-”

“He’s sober now. He- he did AA and he’s better now. He doesn’t drink so it’s not a problem. He can’t get drunk if he can’t drink so I’ll be safe.” Peggy said it rushed, as if she needed to lay all of her cards on the table before Eliza found a way to contend with them.

“Peggy it’s not a good idea. He-”

“Did he ever hit us when he was sober?”

“No. But that doesn’t mean-”

“He’s my dad Eliza. He loves me. He knows he’s made mistake in the past. He knows he messed up but he wants to make things better. He wants us all to come home.”

“This is our home.”

“No Eliza. This was never my home. I don’t- I don’t want to be a foster kid! My mother is dead and I don’t want to pretend my dad is as well.”

“I can’t control you Peggy but please, at least talk to Angelica first!”

“She’ll tell me not to. She’ll tell me that in a few months she’ll get us out of here. I don’t want to go live with her! I want to live with dad!”

“Please Peggy,” Eliza took Peggy’s hand gently in her own. “Think about this. I- I know I can’t convince you and maybe you’re right, maybe you’re right and he’s changed. If he’s not then you- you need to be careful Peggy.”

“He _has_ changed. He loves me, Eliza and he won’t hurt me. He’d never hurt me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“I don’t like this but maybe- maybe you’re right.” Eliza sighed. “It’s been a long time since I saw him. If anything goes wrong, anything at all, call us okay?”

“Okay. Thank you Liza. This’ll work out. I know it will.” Peggy stood, grinning from ear to ear before bounding from the room. Eliza watched her go, feeling a lead weight in her stomach. Eliza pulled her phone out of her pocket and scrolled down the list.

**To: Maria <3**

**Can you talk rn?**

**From: Maria <3**

**Sure, what do you want doll?**

Eliza hit the call button and took in a calming breath as it began to ring. Almost instantly Maria picked up.

“What’s the problem?”

“Peggy wants to leave.”

“And go where?”

“Back to my dad.”

“And what do you think about that?”

“I think she might get hurt. Really badly hurt as well.”

“Then tell her not to go.”

“I don’t control my sisters.”

“She ain’t gonna listen to you?”

“This is the first time she’s ever admitted our father was abusive. She thinks he won’t hurt her. I- I don’t know what to think.”

“Doll, this ain’t my area of expertise.”

“What do you mean?”

“I ain’t got a father. Not a real one anyway.”

“But you have Reynolds. Isn’t there ever a time when you want him to not have you?” There was a silence then, as if Maria was mulling it over in her head.

“There are plenty of times.” Maria sounded tired there but before Eliza could say anything else Maria pressed on. “But this is my best bet. I’m happy enough here and it’s better than being moved around again.”

“Peggy would be safe here.”

“Might she be safe there?”

“I don’t know…”

“You have to let her grow up, doll. You ain’t her mama and you’ve got your own life to live.”

“But… what if she gets hurt?”

“Then she’ll come back and it’ll be fine. She wouldn’t wanna go if she wasn’t sure she was safe. You gotta trust her judgement.”

“Yeah.” Eliza sighed, not knowing what to say.

“It’ll be okay doll.”

“Why do you keep on calling me that?” Eliza asked, a smile crossing her face.

“Pet names ain’t a new thing, doll. You ain’t got one for me and I’m almost offended.”

“I can’t exactly introduce you to everyone.” Eliza sighed, collapsing back onto her bed. Maria clicked her tongue, sympathetically.

“I know. But trust me, Reynolds wouldn’t take it good. Better we hide it just a bit longer.”

“Angelica would be fine keeping it secret.”

“If you tell your sister she’d just give me the shovel talk.”

“Angelica wouldn’t…”

“She would and we both know it, doll.”

“That’s what you get with an overprotective sister.”

“There a story there? Why she’s so protective I mean.”

“Yeah. Our mom died when Peggy was born. There were complications or something. We didn’t have anyone to look after us because my dad got drunk a lot. Angelica looked after us for as long as I can remember.”

“You don’t remember your mama?”

“Not really. It’s just- senses. Nothing solid. I was only four when she died. Anyway, Angelica basically raised Peggy and me. Our dad still bought food and clothing but Angelica was the one who cooked it, who made sure we were clean. At some point our dad turned abusive. Angie never- she’s never told me when. I think it was a long time ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing ever really happened to me. Angelica made sure of that. When our dad got mad I got terrified. Angelica’s pretty sure they were panic attacks. I don’t remember much, just that Peggy would pull me up to our room. Then Angelica would be there and she’d- she’d have bruises or cuts and all she could think about was me.”

“She sounds pretty amazing.”

“She wouldn’t believe it.” Eliza sighed. “My dad hit me once. I- I’m not sure what happened. Angelica was on the floor, bleeding and crying. I just tried to stop him and- and nothing could stop him. He hit me and then Angelica was there.” Eliza realised she was crying slightly and wiped the tears away. It had happened to Angelica, not her. “Angelica got us out that night.”

“Why hadn’t she done it earlier? You must’ve wanted it.”

“She told us it would be okay. She didn’t tell Peggy anything really. Just that it would be okay. I think the real reason was that that was the first time I’d been hurt. I think that was what changed it.”

“And Peggy wants to go back there?”

“I told you, Angelica made sure Peggy didn’t know anything. When dad was sober he was fine, he was kind. When he drank he lashed out. Angelica protected us. I don’t know what to think about my dad. I- when he was sober he was fine. When he was drunk I hated him.”

“Peggy ain’t helpless. She’s also able to make decisions. You can’t stop her from doing this. You just gotta be ready if it don’t work.”

“Yeah. I’m certainly no Angelica am I?”

“No you’re not. But that ain’t a bad thing. You’re my Betsey.”

“Betsey?”

“What’s wrong?”

“I think I prefer doll.”

“How come?”

“Betsey sounds like someone from the eighteen hundreds.”

“Okay then, doll it is.”

 

It took Angelica another two hours to hear the news and then another five minutes to all but break down Eliza’s door.

“Did you know?” Angelica spat out, not bothering with an introduction.

“About what?”

“Don’t bullshit me Eliza! Did you know about Peggy?”

“Yes.”

“How did you not stop her?” Angelica sat down on her bed, glaring at Eliza.

“She’s old enough to make her own decisions when it comes to family Angelica.”

“She doesn’t know half of the bullshit that bastard did to us!”

“Because you never told her.” Eliza struggled to keep her tone neutral, she was the voice of calm in this situation.

“Because I wanted to protect her!”

“Because you wanted to control her.”

“I-” Angelica broke off, glaring off into the distance for a moment before turning her gaze back to Eliza. “I was trying to protect her!”

“It felt a lot like control, Angie.”

“Maybe because that was the only way she’d listen! She’s stubborn as a mule and won’t fucking listen to me!”

“You never gave her a choice. You- you have never given her the ability to choose her life. It’s always been dictated to her. Now she’s trying to make her own path and it means leaving us. I- I don’t want that.” Eliza sighed. “I don’t want to lose my baby sister but if we don’t let her do this then we’ve lost her anyway.”

“I can’t let her be hurt ‘Liza.” Angelica sighed, putting her head into her hands. “Whatever happens I can’t cope if he hits her. It’s-”

“I know Angie. But he won’t. If she’s ever in danger we’ll march over there and pull her out, whether she likes it or not.”

“I can’t keep her safe forever I know. I just-I just thought maybe a bit longer.”

“We’ll see her whenever we want. We can call her at any time. She can come here. This isn’t the end Angie. And maybe,” Eliza bit her lip. “Maybe he has changed. Maybe we can- we can go back.”

“Eliza…”

“I know it’s a long shot but- but maybe.”

“I’m never going back there Eliza. I- I don’t care how much he’s changed he- he beat me because he felt like it. I’m never giving anybody that power over me again.” Angelica’s vice was harsh and Eliza nodded before hugging her.

“You’ll never have to. As long as I’m around you won’t be helpless.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, next chapter is when the angst properly starts up. (I wish I was joking but what's already happened isn't really that angsty)


	10. Chapter 10

Hercules watched the scenery pass by through the bus window, wishing he could fall asleep. He knew that wasn’t an option, not yet. He had to get his siblings food and then get ready for his job and somewhere in between do his homework.

He just wanted to sleep.

So when the bus came to a halt Hercules pulled himself up and got off it, trudging the rest of the way down the street. When he opened the door he was hit with a wave of noise as his siblings ran at him. Jed all but jumped onto him. Hercules chuckled and pushed him off gently.

“Hey guys.”

“Hercules, is mam gonna be okay?” Jed asked in a small voice. Hercules looked at Ellie in confusion and she just looked away. Hercules knelt down in front of Jed, trying to desperately think of the right words.

“Yes. When has she not been?”

“The last time she was sick you got real unhappy. I don’t want that to happen again.” Jed’s voice was soft and it wavered halfway though. Hercules sighed. One day Jed would be something amazing, he was smart, inquisitive and far too clever for his own good. Until that day came it was Hercules’ job to keep him safe.

“I’m not going to be unhappy because she’ll be alright. How about you, Josh and Ana go and get your homework from upstairs.” Jed stared at him for a moment, bottom lip trembling, before he nodded and trudged off, Ana and Josh following him. As soon as they were out of earshot Hercules turned to Ellie.

“She’s sick?”

“She collapsed at work, Herc. I- I didn’t know what to do!”

“Where is she now?”

“In the living room. She woke up but she’s asleep again now. She-” Ellie stared at Hercules and he suddenly realised how terrified she was. “Is she going to be okay?”

“We’ll get her to a doctor and it’ll be okay.”

“Where are we going to get the money?” Ellie’s voice was soft as if she didn’t want to know the answer. Hercules sighed.

“I’ll work something out.”

“Hercules, please. You can trust me, okay? We’re in this together. You’re doing something and I know it. I-I can deal with whatever it. Whatever it is!”

“I’m not doing anything Ellie. I’ve got a job and our mother has two. We work and we save. I have some- savings for this.”

“Bullshit.” Ellie snapped out, eyes growing cold. “Are you selling drugs? You know she’d kill you for that!”

“I’m not selling drugs! It’s-” Hercules broke off. There was no way in hell he could tell his little sister what he was actually doing. “What I’m doing is safe and legal.” Wrong on both counts, his brain corrected himself. “And nothing will go wrong. I’ll get the money. You-” Hercules broke off, trying to think. “Get the kids to bed on time. There’s still some food in the cupboard, make something up. I need to go out.”

“Hercules please!” Ellie cried out, grabbing his sleeve. He stared at her for a moment before she slowly relinquished her grip. “Please be safe.”

“I will be. Make sure they get to bed on time.”

Ellie nodded and Hercules hefted his school bag back onto his shoulder and walked up to his room. He leant against the wall for several long moments before he pulled out his phone.

**To: R**

**I need money**

It took several long moments for Reynolds to reply. In that time Hercules stared off into nothing, not even bothering to get changed. When his phone finally buzzed again he picked it up with trembling hands.

**From: R**

**Are you asking for a raise or more jobs?**

**To: R**

**I don’t care**

Hercules stared at the text, forcing his breath to remain steady, forcing himself to not panic. He did care, he wanted the goddamn raise but he knew Reynolds wouldn’t do that.

**To: R**

**I just need the money quick**

**From: R**

**Go to the end of your block. I’ll pick you up in ten minutes**

Hercules took in a deep breath, trying to fight off the tightness in his chest. It hurt, it physically hurt, asking Reynolds for this. Asking Reynolds for anything hurt. Hercules reminded himself what this was for; for his family, for Jed to reach his potential, for Ellie to stop looking so old, to stop Josh having nightmares about being taken away, to make Ana warm. And nowhere along the way did he think about anything that would help himself.

He knew there was nothing he needed that could match the price he was paying.

 

When the car pulled up Hercules stepped into it without a second thought. Reynolds turned to him, smiling.

“Want to tell me what’s made you so desperate?”

“I’d rather not.” Hercules muttered. Reynolds shrugged, moving the car off.

“How much do you need?”

“I- I don’t know. Probably a lot.” Hercules didn’t know how much the care for his mother would cost but he knew he needed other things, he needed to buy things for his siblings, for his mother to make sure this wouldn’t happen again.

“So you won’t mind working a few jobs. With other people, not just me. I’m not wasting that much money on someone like you.”

“I-” Hercules broke off before nodding numbly. “I’ll do them.”

“Good.”

“Where are we going?”

“To my house. I have a customer waiting.” Hercules shuddered at that and Reynolds turned to him, a smile on his face. “Is there a problem?”

“No.” Hercules whispered. “Th-there’s no problem.”

 

Hercules sat on the edge of the bed, the man, the customer, having long since left. His clothes were still on the floor. He only had a blanket draped over his lower half to maintain any dignity he had left. He didn’t think he had much.

Reynolds was one thing, a stranger was something else entirely. It was humiliating and made him feel like shit. Reynolds had only forced him to do it one other time and Hercules had wished that would have been the end, that he’d only have to deal with Reynolds’ hands on him.

Apparently Reynolds had other plans.

A knock on the door shocked Hercules out of his thoughts. The door opened to reveal Reynolds and Maria in tow. Maria’s makeup was smudged as if she’d been crying and her eye was red and puffy as if she’d been hit.

“Hello Hercules.”

“Reynolds.” Hercules managed to get out from the choking mass in his throat. “I- I did what you wanted.”

“I know. I’m here for the payment.” Reynolds walked forwards until he was right above Hercules. The teen looked up at him as the man’s gaze roved over his half naked body. Without warning Reynolds whipped the blanket away. Hercules yelped, trying to get it back.

Reynolds didn’t let him grab it back, instead he delivered a sharp blow to Hercules’ head. Hercules reeled back, not expecting it. After several long moments Reynolds released the blanket and pulled out a wad of notes from his pocket. He counted out a number before throwing it onto Hercules.

“You did a good job. Be back here tomorrow and you’ll get more.” With that Reynolds strode out of the room. Maria hesitated before she slipped into the bedroom and closed the door behind her.

“Herc?”

“My mom is sick.” Hercules could feel how flat his voice was and how hopeless it sounded. “I don’t have the money.”

“I know but…” Maria trailed off, not knowing what to say.

“I don’t want to do this Mari.” Hercules heard his voice break, his only warning before he felt tears running down his face. He collapsed forwards, putting his head into his hands. “I-”

“I know Herc.” Maria shifted closer, pulling the sheet back up before curling her arms around him.

“I don’t want any of this! If- I shouldn’t have to do this!”

“Herc please,” Maria glanced behind her. “You can’t be loud. He’s pissed off. He’ll- you don’t want him mad.”

“I don’t want any of this. I don’t deserve any of this!”

“I know darling. It’ll all work out.”

“When?” Hercules hissed. “When will it all work out? My mother is sick and she’s not going to get better!”

“What?” Maria asked, in obvious confusion. “You said she was gonna get better.”

“It- it keeps on coming back. What if it’s serious?. Ev-even if it’s not then she’ll still need time to recover. I can’t help with of that. She’ll have no job, she’ll have nothing.”

“She’ll have you.”

“Fat lot of use I am. This is the only way I can help.”

“Herc that ain’t-”

“What time is it?” Hercules snapped out. Maria sighed before handing him his phone. He nodded before standing. Maria looked away and he blushed, grabbing the blanket again.

“Where’re you going?” Maria asked softly.

“To my actual job.”

“What?” Maria asked in astonishment. “Hercules you ain’t in no shape! Go home. Go home and get your damn sleep!”

“I’ll be fine.” Hercules cast around for his shirt before finally spotting it.

“Herc have you even eaten tonight?”

“Maria, today my younger sister looked me in the eye and asked if I was selling drugs. I have no way to explain where I’m going to get the money from if I don’t work. My manager’ll lay me off in a second if I don’t turn up. I’m going.”

“Herc-” Maria started. She broke off with a sigh, sensing that it wasn’t a battle she could win. “I’ll see you at school I guess.” Maria sighed, standing. Before she was at the door Hercules spoke.

“Put ice on your eye. It won’t do much at this point but it might stop some of the swelling in the morning.”

“Darling, that’s what make up is for.”

Hercules watched her go before slowly standing. His stomach hurt from how empty it was, every muscle ached from overexertion and he was fucking exhausted. But once more he dragged himself upright and trudged off.

The bus ride to his work was cold and long. He was still wearing his school clothes, rumpled as they were. He could feel people staring but he ignored them, tapping away at his phone. After a long moment he flicked over to Lafayette’s contact information. His boyfriend.

That sent a spring of warmth through him, despite how cold and empty he was feeling.

**To: French Baguette**

**Hey Laf, wat ya doing?**

**From: French Baguette**

**Homework. It’s thrilling**

**To: French Baguette**

**Was that sarcasm?**

**From: French Baguette**

**… maybe?**

**To: French Baguette**

**You’re learning!**

**From: French Baguette**

**Oui. In a few short days I shall be ready to conquer mankind**

Hercules stared at the phone for a moment before typing in his response.

**To: French Baguette**

**What would you do if you could rule the world?**

**From: French Baguette**

**Is this a serious question?**

**To: French Baguette**

**Yeah**

**From: French Baguette**

**I’d stop people being hurt. People who didn’t start conflict shouldn’t suffer**

**To: French Baguette**

**And people who did?**

The pause this time was long, Hercules had to double check that his message had actually sent.

**From: French Baguette**

**I have spent too long believing those people deserve a second chance to tell myself that lie again**

**To: French Baguette**

**Sorry for dredging up memories**

**From: French Baguette**

**It does not matter, mon amour. You were not to know. What would you do?**

Hercules stared out the window, mulling the question over in his head. What would he do? He’d protect the people he could, save the people he loved and destroy the people he hated.

Maybe it was for the best that he wasn’t in charge. He just wished he wasn’t quite so helpless.

**To: French Baguette**

**Gtg soz**

With that Hercules put his phone down and watched the scenery pass by. When the bus eventually pulled to a halt he pushed himself up and off the chair.

He put on the clothes he needed to, glad that this job let him wear clothes at least. He walked through the hallways, cleaning the trash people had thrown away. When he caught sight of the moon slowly rising he let himself rest against the wall for a moment.

He was exhausted. Reynolds’ unexpected visit had meant that his schedule was all wrong. Hercules no longer had time for homework. He couldn’t bring himself to care. School was another distraction and not even a good one. If it was his choice he would have dropped out a long time ago but his mother would kill him if he did. She believed a good education would get him good jobs in the future.

Hercules often wondered what she’d think of him if she knew what he was doing. He was in two jobs which anyone could do, one tiring and the other embarrassing. He didn’t want to disappoint her but he was pretty sure he’d done that the first time he’d let Reynolds touch him. Definitely the first time he let someone else touch him, when a stranger threw down money for a quick fuck.

He didn’t realise he was crying until his sobs echoed down the empty halls.

After a few more minutes he picked up his broom again and continued to sweep. He forced the tears that had gathered in his eyes to vanish. The ones that had dribbled down his face were swept away quickly. He knew what he was, he was a disgrace, an embarrassment and there were far worse names for him. So he’d keep the secrets until he died, bring them to his grave. No matter how close that felt.

 

After his back was aching and his head was spinning Hercules was allowed to go home. It was late into the night, technically early morning, when he got onto the bus. The ride felt like much longer this time as every second he was fighting against sleep.

But he couldn’t let himself. He had the money from both jobs on him and if anyone took that then he’d be broke, with barely enough food to cover his family’s next meal. He couldn’t let that happen.

Every time Hercules felt himself drift off he pinched himself, forced himself awake. He was earning several looks and it made him shift uncomfortably until he caught sight of himself in the window.

Half of his face was raised and red, from where Reynolds had struck him. Hercules pulled up the camera on his phone and gently prodded the area, hissing in pain as he did. This gained him several more glances so he hunched further into himself, glaring at anyone who looked in his general direction.

As the bus stopped he got off and walked the rest of the way to his house. This time when he opened the door he was met with silence. The children were asleep and his mother was in her bed. He went for the kitchen, hoping to make himself a sandwich.

Hercules noticed a note on the counter. He frowned before picking it up.

**Hercules,**

**I’m sorry for not believing you. I’m worried is all. I know you know what you’re doing but please tell me if you need help. I’m here for you, always.**

**-Ellie**

**P.S. there’s food in the fridge for you**

Hercules stared at the note for several long seconds before he moved mechanically to the fridge. He opened it and saw a plate of pasta. He pulled it out and set it on the table. He sat down, the plate in one hand and the letter in the other.

He felt dirty, spoilt in some way he couldn’t explain. He felt exploited and lost and most of all afraid; afraid of what he was becoming, afraid of what he’d become and so damn afraid of what he still had to lose.

He noticed the tears this time, as they fell down his face and he sobbed, loud sobs that left him no time to draw air. His throat clenched and begged for oxygen but he couldn’t give them any. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to be free of this, free of whatever web Reynolds was weaving and free to be a teenager, not a parent to his siblings.

He wanted to be free.

The next day he stepped into Reynolds car and didn’t let himself flinch when he was introduced to yet another stranger. He wanted to be free but he didn’t deserve it. After all, he was just a cheap, worthless whore.


	11. Fools who wind their mouths off wind up dead

Laurens sat at the school lunch table, pushing his food around his plate. It looked like mush and tasted very similar. The food was bad on most days, terrible on others. As he was pushing it around Lafayette, Hercules and Alexander sat down.

The four of them had become close since Alexander had arrived. Alexander seemed to fit into the final part of their puzzle, the part they’d never known they were missing. As soon as Alexander was sat down he was bent over his food, wolfing it down. It was a habit no-one had the heart to break.

When Jefferson had asked him to eat like a civilised person Alexander had told him to fuck off. The easiest way to start a fight was to take his food away, he almost went insane when anyone even tried. Laurens had some ideas as to why he did it, something connected to the long hungry nights Alexander had mentioned, but he didn’t ask. He didn’t really want the answer.

“Bonjour mon ami!” Lafayette exclaimed as he sat. Laurens smiled before frowning.

“You sound real happy Laf. Has something happened?”

“Oui. Something quite monumental in fact.” Lafayette smirked and Hercules sighed. Laurens looked between the two of them, frowning in confusion. Alexander snickered gently, looking up from his mostly finished plate.

“Am I missing something?” Laurens asked in confusion.

“They’re fucking.” Alexander mumbled, loud enough for everyone at the table to hear. Lafayette flushed and Hercules nearly choked on his food.

“Alexander!” Lafayette exclaimed. “What foul language!” Despite his words he couldn’t quite help the grin that spread across his face. Hercules was also smiling broadly, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. The two took hands and Laurens suddenly felt his throat closing up. An image flickered across his mind, the two kissing, and suddenly he felt like vomiting. He pushed the food away from him abruptly.

Alexander turned to him in confusion but Laurens just shook his head. Lafayette bit his lip before unlinking his hands with Hercules.

“Mon ami, does this distress you?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Laurens murmured. “Just-”

“Why does it put you off?” Alexander’s voice had gained a rough edge. “Do you think it’s wrong? Cause they’re not doing a goddamn thing to you. You-”

“Alexander, don’t.” Hercules cut across Alexander who just stared in confusion at Laurens who was staring at the floor.

“What?”

“Laurens?” Hercules asked tentatively. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Laurens’ voice was strangled but he nodded anyway. “T-tell him.”

“Tell me what?”

“Mon ami, Laurens is not a hateful being by nature. It is in fact nurture, or the lack of it which he suffers more from. You are aware of what conversion therapy is?”

“Yeah. I know he had it. What does that have to do with this?”

“He has problems sometimes.” As Hercules spoke he kept eye contact with Laurens. “It’s not his fault, he just can’t cope with gay couples. I thought it had got better.”

“It has.” Laurens whispered. “When I was first back I couldn’t even stand talking to good looking guys. It- it’s getting there but- it’s hard.”

“I forgot.” Alexander muttered, half apologetic. He frowned for a moment before he continued. “Then we’ll get through it.” Alexander stated, as if he wasn’t promising the impossible, as if he was just talking about solving a maths problem. Laurens stared at him before nodding.

“O-okay.”

“How about we start with this.” Alexander took Laurens’ hand in his own and squeezed it gently. Laurens felt his heart skip a beat but then he realised he was breathing normally, he wasn’t being hurt. The world hadn’t ended because he’d touched a man.

“Are you just doing this just to get my food?” Laurens asked after a moment. Alexander looked at him, the image of innocence. “You knew I wasn’t going to eat it.” Laurens pushed it towards Alexander who grabbed it. He passed the fork through it several times before taking his first bite, as if testing it for something.

Laurens stared at the teen, smiling. Alexander was one of the smartest idiots he’d ever met. He was fire, burning bright against the darkness that had engulfed Laurens’ world. And, hopefully, he might be the torch to lead the way out.

Laurens stood and stretched. He let out a soft whimper that only Alexander noticed. His head snapped to Laurens who just shook his head. Alexander stared at him through narrowed eyes before turning back to the food.

As soon as he was done with it he grabbed Laurens’ arm.

“Be back in a moment.” He explained to Lafayette and Hercules who nodded in confusion.

When they were out in the corridor Alexander dropped Laurens’ arm and fixed him with a level stare.

“What’s hurting? And don’t give me any bullshit.”

“It’s nothing, okay?”

“That’s bullshit Laurens and you know it. Now tell me. You know I won’t fucking give up.”

“My- my dad okay? He got drunk. And then… he threw a bottle alright? I got it out.”

“All of it?”

“Most of it.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Alexander cursed before taking Laurens’ arm again and all but dragging him to the toilets. “Take off your shirt.”

“B-buy me dinner first.” Laurens grinned but was met with a deadpan expression. Laurens nodded before pulling off his shirt. Alexander hissed as he saw the mess that it was.

“Were you wearing a shirt when it happened?”

“Yeah. Not very thick.”

“It looks like most of the bottle got your back.” Alexander clucked his tongue before poking gently at one of the cuts. Laurens whimpered in pain and Alexander pulled back. “I dunno if there’s glass any under the skin, can’t check that without medical stuff. It could get really messy.”

“Is it that dangerous?”

“Didn’t hit anything important but I don’t wanna push anything in deeper. Fuck Laurens, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I- I didn’t do what you told me to. It’s- I can’t stop my dad, Alexander. There’s no way. He’s too powerful and he can hurt me. I can’t over power him. If I run then he’ll paint me as a criminal.”

“You could say something first, leak it to the papers. Make a pamphlet or something, a reveal-all type thing.”

Laurens snorted at that. “No-one would read it.”

“I disagree.”

“Who would people listen to? The well-known, well-loved Senator or his gay son who was sent to conversion therapy?”

Alexander was silent for several moments after that and when he did talk it was slow.

“Were you gay before?”

“Jesus.” Laurens felt the air rush out of him as fear threatened to choke him. “What kind of question is that?”

“Were you?”

“I-” Laurens broke off, shaking his head. “I’ve never cared about a woman like that. Just-” Laurens shuddered but Alexander nodded.

“I get it.”

“A-are you gay?” Laurens didn’t want the answer, didn’t want to be revolted by Alexander, it couldn’t be fair.

“Bisexual. Never had anyone though. It’s a bit difficult when you’re hopping from place to place.”

“I had one once. Just before I was sent away. He-” Laurens took a deep breath before continuing. “I thought I loved him. My father walked in on us-” Laurens gestured weakly with his hand and Alexander nodded. “Sent me away almost immediately. Never saw the boy again.” There was silence for several moments before Alexander smiled weakly.

“Why is it that the only time we can have decent conversations alone we end up talking about our traumatising pasts?”

“I have no idea.” Laurens grinned. “We need to make some quality time for ourselves at some point.”

“Sure thing, hot pants.” With that Alexander left the room, leaving Laurens reeling slightly in his wake.

 

When school ended Alexander was waiting at the gate for Laurens. Laurens smiled as he noticed it, feeling a warmth spread through him.

“Come on,” Alexander started, turning as he spoke. “You’re coming back to Yorktown for right now. I guess you probably have to go home eventually but I think that’s bullshit. I’m pretty sure I’ve made my opinion clear.”

“Yeah you have.”

“Good. It really is bullshit Laurens.”

“It’s the only choice I’ve got Alexander.”

“Even so.” Alexander frowned. “If I could change one fucking thing in this country it would be that. The foster system is absolute bullshit. I’ve seen so many fucking kids being put into abusive households and being taken out of good households. I wonder sometimes if the authorities give a fuck about us. Don’t reckon they do. They don’t get our votes yet, they don’t get our parents votes and they won’t even get most of our votes because of how disenfranchised most kids in care get with the system because it fucks us over every time.”

“That’s where you would start?” Laurens asked in amazement. “With foster kids?”

“Well, no actually. I’d probably start by fixing up the economy because if that’s fixed then fewer children will be moved into care because their parents go broke. It means less people would foster children for a few bucks, that they’d only do it because they genuinely cared about making the kid’s life better.”

“How many homes have you been in?”

“I- I’m not sure.” Alexander frowned, trying to remember. “I lived with my mama, then my cousin, then another couple, then there was the loud house, the quiet house, the hungry one…” Alexander broke off, an inquisitive look on his face. “I don’t really remember. They blur into one after that.”

“What’s the hungry house?” Laurens regretted the question as soon as he asked it. Alexander seemed to shrink into the seat.

“They- they didn’t like me. They didn’t like anyone. But the other kids were- they obeyed the adults. E-even when they were hurt, they obeyed the adults. I didn’t. I fought them at every stage and after they hit me, when they told me to apologise, I told them to fuck off.” Alexander grinned at that, a wolfish grin. “I hit them back when they tried it and I didn’t let the fuckers get away with it. But then after a few months they figured out that the best way to make me stop was- to starve me.”

“Starve you?” Laurens asked with barely concealed fury.

“Not starve I guess. My life was never in danger but I got so hungry I couldn’t think straight. If I disobeyed them they’d keep food away from me for days. They’d make me apologise before I could eat. Apologise for dumb shit as well. Most of the time it was about burdening them, about being an immigrant, about being Caribbean, about being a bastard.” Alexander shrugged. “There was no fucking way they should have been parents.”

“What happened after that?”

“I tried to call my social worker the first time they didn’t let me eat and she ignored me, told me to buck up and try to get along with the family. When that didn’t work I got them angry more, made them hit me where it was noticeable. Didn’t work. School thought I was angry all the time and just got into fights. Eventually I went to a teacher and told him. Social services was finally called and they figured it out. I was taken out of the house and put into a care home. I was kinda fucked up after that, constantly hungry. Hasn’t stopped.”

“I’m so sorry.” Laurens murmured. Alexander shrugged.

“Not your fault.”

“How many people have stories like yours?”

“Not that many really. Most of them got out of the bullshit before it got that bad. I was too slow on the uptake to run away. How many kids at Yorktown went through something like it?”

“They don’t tell me everything, it’s still private, but from what I understand not many. Maybe Jefferson. He got moved around a lot but I don’t know if abuse factored into that. The sisters came straight from their birth home. So did James. I think Burr got moved a lot but trying to get any information from him is like pulling blood from a stone.”

“So he’s always this closed off?”

“I wouldn’t call it closed off.” Laurens frowned. “He talks and everything, he just doesn’t talk about anything. I’ve had full conversations with him and walked off before realising I didn’t learn anything. He’s got this way of turning the conversation away from him and making sure you don’t notice.”

“Aaron’s very good at that.” The new voice caused Alexander to jump, whipping around to see Angelica sitting behind them. She waved before leaning forwards. “What are you two talking about?”

“How bullshit the foster system is.” Alexander replied instantly.

“I’ve seen almost none of it and yeah, I agree.”

“Have there been other people at Yorktown?”

“It’s kinda new but yeah, when I first arrived. They mostly aged out of the system.”

“That’s all that’s expected of us, isn’t it?”

“Course. I’m not abandoning my sisters and no-one has ever wanted to adopt three sisters.”

“Is that why you were never adopted?” Laurens asked. Angelica nodded.

“It won’t just be her.” Alexander leaned towards Lauren’s slightly as he spoke. “Most of Yorktown seems to be unadoptable. People don’t want to adopt or long term foster teenagers at the best of times. I reckon James wouldn’t have been because of his illnesses.”

“He’s never left Yorktown.” Angelica added with a nod.

“I also reckon that Laf didn’t leave because he doesn’t have enough of a handle on English to be just passed off to someone else. Jefferson, well you have his stunning personality to thank for that.”

“Thomas hasn’t been adopted for different reasons.” Angelica’s tone was stern.

“What reasons?” Laurens asked in confusion. He hadn’t heard anything about why Jefferson had never been adopted.

“It’s not my place to say.” Angelica’s face had suddenly dropped. Alexander frowned at that.

“Is he a criminal?”

“What?”

“Makes sense. No-one wants a delinquent in their home. Jefferson’s got almost everything else. He’s smart enough to hide his shitty personality. He’s smart and accomplished enough to do almost anything. He’s not sick, he doesn’t have problems around other people, so he’s a criminal.”

“It’s not my place to say.” Angelica repeated. Alexander frowned.

“It can’t be that bad! It’s not like he killed someone!”

There was a long pause there where Angelica said nothing. Alexander raised his eyebrows. “Holy shit. He killed someone?”

“It’s none of your business. What’s wrong with Laurens?”

“What?” Laurens asked. “Why do you-”

“You’re sitting weird. Are you okay?”

“He’s hurt.” Alexander stated, not giving Laurens a chance. “Do you have any history of removing glass?” Angelica’s face dropped again and she nodded before sighing.

“Come on.” As she spoke the bus stopped at their stop, as if by magic. Laurens frowned, he hadn’t noticed how close they were. He stood, trying to keep his back from twisting too much.

As they stepped into Yorktown Laurens felt a calm settle over him. He knew it was a bit odd, feeling calm in a house where so many people were broken, but it was comforting to him to be here. There had never been violence here, not really. There were play fights and arguments but not once had someone raised a hand with the intent of causing pain just for pain’s sake.

“We’re going to my room.” Alexander muttered, glancing around the hall. Laurens got the feeling that he didn’t have the same good memories attached to the place. Angelica nodded and the three walked up the stairs before arriving in Alexander’s room. It was still almost empty. Nothing had been unpacked and there was nothing on the walls. Angelica frowned as she looked around but Alexander gave no reason.

“Why is it still so ugly, Alexander?”

“Can’t be bothered to get anything. No point anyway. Get your shirt off, Laurens.”

“Why’s there no point?” Laurens asked, turning so Alexander could see his back.

“Dunno when I’ll have to leave.” At Alexander’s words the other two froze.

“Y-you think you’re going to leave?” Angelica asked, obviously shaken. Alexander just shrugged.

“I’ve never stayed anywhere else. Not since my real mama. I don’t reckon anything will change here.”

“You’re not getting hurt here.” Angelica pointed out.

“There’s antiseptic and tweezers in the first aid kit. It’s in the desk drawer. And I know but I don’t know when everything will go to shit.”

“It might not.” Laurens said, trying hard not to move.

“I wouldn’t count on it. It’s a precaution anyway.”

“How long have you spent ready to run?” Laurens’ voice was soft but it still made Alexander pause. He opened his mouth to answer but found there was nothing he could say. Instead he closed his mouth and took the tweezers from Angelica, carefully feeling around Laurens’ back.

“Tell me when it hurts.”

“It already does?”

“That’s because your back is covered in cuts.” Angelica took a seat on the bed, just behind Alexander and sighed.

“He’s been beating you again, hasn’t he?” She asked softly.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, Laurens. This is serious. What would you do if we weren’t here? They could have got infected or-”

“You were here. If it had got infected then I would have got antibiotics. If it had hit something important I would have gone to hospital. If it had hit something really serious then I’d be dead. There’s no point thinking about what might have happened.”

Alexander’s hands paused as Laurens spoke.

“You can’t seriously think that little of your own life, can you?”

“I- I don’t. It just doesn’t matter. If I die tomorrow then that’ll be it. I could get run over or shot or stabbed or my dad could kill me. I might die in two years, four years, twenty years, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to die eventually might as well…” Laurens broke off at that, fiddling with his shirt.

“Might as well what?” Alexander asked. Laurens sighed before answering.

“My dad’s happier after this. He- he thinks that his son is what he wants me to be.” Laurens’ voice was soft. “If he killed me then he’d be happy. I can’t make him happy while I’m alive.” One moment Laurens was staring down at his hands and the next he was engulfed in a hug. Alexander made sure to not squeeze too hard around the mess of cuts.

“You don’t give that fucker an inch, you hear me?” Alexander all but growled. “Don’t give a fuck about what he feels. Your life isn’t a bargaining chip. Never for one second think that it is.”

“My life is nothing.” Laurens whispered. “I- I made my mother leave, Alexander. I ruined my father’s life. I ruin everyone’s lives. I don’t deserve it.”

“Bullshit.” Alexander snapped out. “Your father doesn’t fucking deserve to live. Anyone who ever raised a hand to a child doesn’t fucking deserve to live. You do. You didn’t do anything to your mother and you’ve done nothing but make my life better.” Laurens nodded at that, pulling away to brush tears from his eyes.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t believe a word of that, do you?”

“No.” Laurens shrugged. “But thanks for trying.” Alexander’s face grew stormy but before he could say anything Angelica laid a hand on his arm.

“Leave it Alexander.”

“Leave it?” He hissed. “He thinks-”

“Haven’t you ever wanted it to be over?” Angelica whispered. This time it was Alexander who couldn’t meet her eyes. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He had, he had wanted it so many times he’d lost count. He’d wanted it when his mama was sick, when his mama died, when his cousin died, when his village was destroyed and every single time he’d been left alone.

“Alexander?” Laurens asked, surprised.

“It doesn’t matter.” Alexander muttered, turning his attention to Laurens’ back again. “Don’t think there’s any shards underneath the skin. You did miss a few though. Hold still.” Alexander gently gripped one of the shards with the tweezers before pulling it out. Blood began to drip down Laurens’ back and Alexander cast around for something to stop it before Laurens offered his own shirt.

“I can get something from Herc or Laf. I do most of the washing at home, it won’t be noticed.”

“Okay.” Alexander dabbed the blood away before gripping another of the shards. He repeated this several times until he was satisfied. “Angelica.” Angelica passed the bottle to him and he used the shirt once more to spread it across Laurens’ back. Laurens hissed in pain.

“It’s nearly done.” Angelica said gently. Laurens nodded.

“It’s done.” Alexander added, pulling back from Laurens’ back. “They might scar but…” Alexander bit his lip, looking at the scars that already covered Laurens’ back. He could see his last patch up, where Laurens had been beaten with a belt until he bled.

“Won’t be anything new.”

“You should get help.”

“From where?” Laurens asked tiredly. “I don’t have any family. I don’t want to go into the foster system. I have nowhere. I’ll go to college when I graduate high school and then I’ll be free. I’ll never need to go back. I just need to survive until then.”

“It won’t get better.”

“I know that, okay?” Laurens snapped. “It doesn’t fucking matter. There’s nothing I could do. No-one’ll believe me!”

“If you showed them your scars…” Angelica added softly. Laurens just shrugged.

“You really think my doctor hasn’t seen theses? That the gym teacher hasn’t seen these? They don’t give a shit about me. My dad has enough money and influence to ruin their lives or pay them off. Even if someone believed me they would be buried in my dad’s lawyers. Anything I tried to say would be silenced. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to buy a fucking jury if it came to that. And I’d be back where I am now and he’d be pissed. There’s no point. He controls me until I can get out.” There was silence for a moment before Alexander broke it again.

“I could just tell the whole world. Might help something.” Laurens turned on him to find him grinning. “Make like a Laurens pamphlet or-”

“Oh fuck off.” Laurens pushed him slightly. Alexander overbalanced and fell to the floor. Laurens scrambled forwards and Alexander just shook his head, laughing on the floor. Laurens felt that same warmth fill him as he watched Alexander laughing on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams


	12. We could prove that we're worth more than anyone bargained for

There weren’t many days when James woke up feeling good. Normally his head or his leg or his just about everything hurt. But on the days he did wake up feeling good he relished in it for several long moments in bed, just lying there.

Even after all the years it felt strange to feel sheets against his missing leg, against his stump. He didn’t forget it anymore, didn’t fall over but he did sometimes wonder what his life would have been like if it had never happened.

Those thoughts never helped.

James groaned and slowly pushed himself up. He reached for his prosthetic and slowly attached it, making sure that it was well adjusted. He then stood, staying still for a moment, before walking to his wardrobe and picking out a few clothes. There was really nothing that went well with a default prosthetic leg so he generally just covered it up.

After getting dressed James took his medicines, each pill carefully counted out before he took it. He knew how much it sucked when he forgot to take them or he took too many. He then walked down the stairs, glad that each step was easy to take.

The kitchen was the normal mess it always was. Jefferson and Alexander seemed to be in a fight while Eliza and Angelica looked on with interest. Lafayette and Burr were just eating, not even paying attention. It had become a daily occurrence, the rants that the two would get into.

James was never sure how real the arguments were. Alexander was always scowling when he was talking but he did that a lot anyway. Jefferson tended to smile but it was always a smirk, something he did anyway as well.

But, no matter how sincere the arguments were, they were loud as hell. James sighed, grabbing two slices of bread.

“How long has this been going?” He asked Lafayette quietly.

“Not long.”

“What’s it about?”

“Je ne sais pas.” Lafayette shrugged, going back to his phone. James glanced at the phone and smirked as he noticed the contact name.

“Who’s that?”

“Que?” James gestured to Lafayette’s phone and the boy flushed red. “No-one!”

“It’s called mon amour. My French isn’t great but-”

“Did my ears deceive me or is Laffy here in love?” Jefferson immediately broke off his argument with Alexander and sat down next to Lafayette. Burr slid away from the conversation slightly.

“Jefferson, it is nothing just-” Before Lafayette could say anything else, Jefferson grabbed his phone. Lafayette let out a squawk of protest but before he could get it back Jefferson was on his feet, dancing away from the Frenchman.

“You wrote, ‘bonne nuit, mon amour’ and they replied, ‘I’m guessing that means good night’. Have standards Gil, at least get someone who can speak French.”

“Jefferson-” Lafayette grumbled, trying to grab the phone.

“No, no, there’s more!” Jefferson continued to scroll up the message until Lafayette knocked into him again. Jefferson twisted away but the screen vanished, replaced with the list of recent texts. Jefferson froze as he read the numbers. “Gil-” Lafayette took that moment to snatch the phone from his hand.

“What is it?” James asked, buttering his toast.

“It is nothing.” Lafayette muttered. Jefferson glared at him.

“Qui est-ce?”

“C’est personne.” Lafayette was glancing around the room nervously.

“Ne me mentez pas, Gil. Ils vous ont envoyé cinquante textes. Si quelqu’un vous écoute alors vous pouvez me le dire. Je-” Jefferson spoke quietly and forcefully, staring at Lafayette as he spoke.

“And you tell me off for speaking French.” Alexander snapped out. “Who the fuck is sending you that many texts?”

“It is not of importance.” Lafayette murmured, pocketing the phone. “It is just- just someone within my class. Oui, it is odd but nothing bad.”

“Fifty is a lot for nothing.” Jefferson scowled as he spoke and Lafayette shrugged.

“S’il vous plaîs ne pas, Thomas. Je peux y faire face.”

“Bien. Je compte sur tol.” Jefferson smiled weakly and Lafayette returned it.

“Who is your amour?” James asked, trying to break the tension. Lafayette flushed again before answering.

“It is not important.”

“Do we know them?” Angelica added, grinning.

“Yep.” Alexander said from the corner of the room. He was grinning at Lafayette who was now staring at him in horror.

“You would not.”

“I would and you fucking know it.”

“Language.” Washington walked into the room, speaking almost absentmindedly. Alexander turned to face him, obviously ready with some retort but Angelica spoke over him.

“Lafayette has an admirer.”

“A boyfriend.” Alexander corrected. He looked around as if he was expecting resistance but he found none. There was one thing agreed upon in the house, everyone was equal, no matter what they’d been through. Most of them had spent a large chunk of their life being beaten down for who they were and it wasn’t tolerated at Yorktown.

“How come you told Hamilton before me?” Jefferson turned to Lafayette, a wounded look on his face.

“I did not tell de petite lion! He just- figured it out.”

“He didn’t walk in on you, did he?” James asked, scrunching up his face. Lafayette let out a sharp bark of laughter before shaking his head.

“Non! He merely saw us how you say, hanging out.”

“It’s Hercules.” Eliza stated. Lafayette flushed before looking away, all but confirming it. In the explosion of noise that followed, Hamilton stood and made his way out of the room, grinning broadly.

“How did you know?” Lafayette asked quietly. Eliza just grinned back.

“He’s smitten with you, Laf. Has been forever. Everyone knew there was something there, just didn’t know if you were ever going to act on it.”

“Well we have indeed acted upon it.” Lafayette looked down as he spoke, obviously embarrassed.

“I think that’s just about enough of Lafayette’s love life for now.” Washington spoke over the rest of the group, effectively silencing the, instantly.

“But sir, it’s so much fun!” Jefferson all but whined. Washington raised an eyebrow before shaking his head.

“Unless you want us to get into your own love life I think it’s time to leave Lafayette alone.”

“What is your love life?” James asked, turning to Jefferson who just shook his head.

“So, how you say, non-existent?” Lafayette asked smugly. Jefferson rolled his eyes, nudging Lafayette playfully as he dropped his plate in the sink.

“At least I don’t spend months pining over a guy without telling him, mon ami.”

“Is everyone ready for school?” Washington asked, over the argument which was imminent. He was met with a general sound of agreement. “Does anyone know where Burr and Alexander are?”

“They went upstairs.” James supplied. “They both ate, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I was actually hoping that they would want to spend some time with us.”

“Burr spending time with us? I’m pretty sure that’s an omen of the apocalypse.” Jefferson smirked as he spoke and Washington sent him a disapproving look. “Sir.”

“If Burr is not comfortable eating with us we try to make him comfortable. Those are the rules Jefferson.”

“I think I am quite well acquainted with the rules sir. I’ve broken enough of them by now.”

“Sit down Jefferson.” James said, pulling on his friend’s sleeve. Jefferson slowly took a seat before whipping out his phone.

 

Most of the morning passed in the same banal manner. When it was lunchtime James decided not to join the others in lunch, instead going to his English classroom for his favourite club; writing club. There was a meeting every few days and they were preparing for something big.

The teacher in charge had decided that he wanted something written on the ideas of representation in media.

James thought he would be the first pick, being a black, disabled orphan tended to get you somewhere with those kind of picks. But he wasn’t. Instead, for the sake of being fair, they had all written an essay on their ideas and had submitted it a week ago for review. This was the day they’d decide whose work would be submitted for the competition.

James walked into the classroom and sat down at one of the desks near the front. There were already a handful of other students in the room. None of them struck up conversation with him and he didn’t mind. He liked the other people, would talk to them readily, but wasn’t quite in the mood.

His leg, which had started that day feeling fine, was beginning to ache. He wanted to switch to the wheelchair so he’d still have some use later in the day but there was no way in hell he was asking for the school one. The only choice he’d have was to get Washington to bring him one but that wasn’t an option either. So he had to stick with the pain.

James looked up as the teacher walked in, holding a batch of papers in his hands. He slammed them down on the table and smiled at the group of people.

“Well, I’ve read through these and they are exceptional. In the end I couldn’t choose between these two.” James craned his head to see if one of them was his. “We’re going to have a vote. I trust you have all read them?” There was a vague mumble from the room, sounding mostly negative but the teacher seemed to ignore that. “Good. The first is Sam Seabury’s, arguing that representation in media is not necessary and that forcing it will have more of a backlash on minority individuals than it will ignoring the problem. The other is James Madison’s, saying how important a single character of an underrepresented minority is as it could inspire the next generation even if it can’t influence this one. I will leave the room for five minutes. Talk amongst yourself. When I come back you will all have a vote, apart from James and Sam, of course. Don’t turn this into an argument. This is a debate.” With that, the teacher walked out of the room.

Seabury was the first one to stand. He grabbed his paper and chuckled as he stared down at it. James also stood, trying not to limp, as he collected his own paper.

“So, which of us is it?” He asked Seabury. Seabury looked at him as if he was crazy.

“You’re not going to win this! You’re a freak.”

“No I’m not.” James kept his voice steady. He’d been ready for this, he’d had practice after all. “Anyway this isn’t-” Before James could finish speaking Seabury kicked him at the join between his real leg and his prosthetic. James fell to the floor with a grunt. There was a rumble from the rest of the class and James couldn’t quite work out if it was laughter or dissent.

James gaped in astonishment. Seabury had just kicked him for no reason.

“You want this to represent you?” Seabury asked in disgust. “You want this to be the face of our school?” James gritted his teeth and pulled himself up. His prosthetic felt wrong, as if it had been knocked out of place somewhere. He had no clue how Seabury had known precisely where the join was but he was pissed that the boy did.

“Seabury, stop it. I did just as well as you did.”

“No, he took pity on you.”

“Seabury-”

“You’re dumb as a rock. You really think you could win something like this?”

“I know I can.” James snarled, stepping forwards, forgetting. He fell to the floor again and Seabury laughed in delighted surprise.

“You can’t do anything.”

“I can do more than you could ever imagine.” James hissed, glaring at him as he pulled himself up again.

“You can’t do anything to me without your boyfriend. And he isn’t here.”

“I can do more than enough to you.” James snarled. Seabury took a step back and smirked.

“Still think you can do something?”

“I wrote my piece. I wrote it on my own, drawing on experiences from my own life. What the hell did you write yours on?”

“I wrote mine with my brain capacity. When they chopped your leg off did they take your brain as well?”

James paused at that, with no idea of what to say. People had insulted him, sure. People had insulted him and had belittled him for only having one leg. People had insulted him by saying he only got to where he was because he was pitied. No-one had been bold enough to say that though.

“Well I think it’s time to vote.” Seabury stood onto a chair. “Who wants this representing us?” James stared at the class as no-one raised their hand. Seabury grinned. “And who thinks it should be me?” The group slowly raised their hands and Seabury nodded. He turned to James who was staring daggers at him. “Next time don’t fucking bother pretending you’re anything more than a cripple.”

When the teacher came back into the room James said nothing as the other people nodded along with Seabury. The teacher beamed before rushing out of the room again. The group slowly left until it was just James and Seabury.

“That was beyond uncalled for.” James said with an even tone.

“Stop trying, James. You’re not going to get anywhere. You’re broken.”

“I’m stronger than you!” James snapped, patience long gone. “I’ve survived things you’ve never fucking dreamed of! I deal with horrors you’ll never see!”

“And what have you got to show for it?” Seabury watched James struggle with an answer for a second before he leant forwards. “Nothing.” Seabury spat and James jerked back. The spit had landed right onto his face.

“You-” James stood before his leg buckled beneath him. Seabury snorted before striding out of the room. James watched him go before scrubbing off the spittle. He took several long breaths to calm himself down. He then rolled up his pants’ leg and he could instantly see the problem. His prosthetic had been knocked, dragging a ragged tear into his leg. He poked it gently before he hissed in pain.

James let his head drop. He could spend the rest of the day toughing it out, opening the cut again and aggravating it even more. He would then spend the rest of the week in a wheelchair. Or he could ask for the school’s wheelchair but that felt like giving up. Or he could go back to Yorktown.

Nothing felt like winning. There was losing and hurting himself, losing his dignity or giving up for the next day. James knew what Jefferson would tell him to do. But then again, James thought sourly, if Jefferson had been here it wouldn’t have happened. Jefferson could beat anyone who tried to hurt either of them and he often had to.

Jefferson was strong. James knew he’d been weak before. He knew that Jefferson had nightmares sometimes, that some days he slipped into James’ room and would never explain why. James knew that he was terrified James would be gone, that he’d been abandoned again. But Jefferson was strong, strong in mind and body. James just wasn’t.

James pulled out his phone and called Jefferson. He picked up on the second ring.

“Jemmy!” Jefferson all but yelled, all too chirpy for the situation.

“I told you not to call me that.”

“Ohh.” James could almost imagine Jefferson pouting. “But it suits you!”

“Thomas I need help.”

“Where?” Jefferson’s voice had lost all mirth instantly.

“H 2.23.”

“What’s wrong?”

“My leg. And- I think I have an aura coming on.” James hated lying, hated that he was using his illness but he couldn’t explain it to Jefferson. He’d explain it to Washington later, in quiet tones. Or maybe he just wouldn’t say anything. Maybe that was the better choice.

“Okay hang on.”

“I don’t think I have much choice.” James tried to laugh at that but his voice broke off halfway though. He could almost feel Jefferson vibrating with fear. “It’s not that bad Thomas.”

“You don’t call me Thomas unless it’s pretty bad, James.”

“Why is that?”

“I’m here.” Jefferson hung up as he walked into the classroom. James raised a hand in a slight wave and then Jefferson was in front of him. “Do you need to get to the office?”

“I need to go home.” James admitted, hanging his head. Jefferson sighed, bending down so he was at eye level.

“This doesn’t make you weaker, okay? This doesn’t change anything. Everyone takes days off sick. It’s normal.”

“I’m already weak Thomas. I can’t change that.” James’ voice was soft but Jefferson heard it. He sighed before standing again.

“I’m not going to convince you in this mood. Now come on, up you get.”

James pushed himself up, putting most of his weight onto the desk. He took a step forwards before his leg buckled. Jefferson grabbed him before he fell to the floor for the third time in half an hour. James was glad about that. Twice was more than enough.

“This is bad James.”

“No shit.” James breathed out, gasping in air.

“What happened to it?” Jefferson was staring at the bleeding, bruised area.

“Hit it on the table.” James responded. Jefferson stared at him for a moment before responding.

“Someone did this to you.”

“No.”

“Who did this?” Jefferson growled.

“I need to leave, Jefferson. Please just-” James sighed. “I need to go home.”

“I’m gonna call Washington, get him to bring your wheelchair. I know how much you hate the school one.”

“I don’t think they ever wash it.”

“They probably don’t know that you can.” Jefferson put his phone to his ear. “Washington, James needs to go back to Yorktown. His leg is injured and he can’t walk. He also thinks he might have an aura. Yes sir I’ll stay with him. We’d appreciate it if you could come quickly. Yes sir.” Jefferson hung up and pulled up the seat next to James.

“He coming?” James asked, manoeuvring himself back down.

“Yeah. He’ll be here long before lunch finishes. Why were you in here anyway?”

“Stupid reason.” James shrugged. “No point talking about it.”

“Someone attacked you James.”

“It’s-”

“What did they say?”

“Nothing I haven’t heard before.” For the first time in a long time it was a lie.

“According to you, you’ve been called every name under the sun. That doesn’t exactly calm me down anymore.”

“I can handle being called a few names, Jefferson.”

“You don’t deserve to be called those names.”

“But I am. I’m called them and no-one seems to want to call me anything else.”

“Genius.” Jefferson turned fully to James, forcing him to listen. “Inventive, creative, ingenious and so fucking strong.”

“Normally they use a few more swear words.” James shrugged. “Just saying. If you wanna improve or something.”

“What happened?”

“It- promise you won’t go after him?” Jefferson remained silent until James glared at him.

“Fine.” Jefferson relented.

“It was a dumb competition. Write an essay and the best one in the country gets published. Only one entrant per school. The teacher couldn’t work out which was the best so we had to vote. The teacher stepped out and-” James gestured to his leg and Jefferson gritted his teeth.

“Who was it?”

“Seabury. He said some shit and kicked me. It- it doesn’t matter.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked if I was stupid naturally or if they fucked my brain up when they cut off my leg.”

“Holy shit.” Jefferson whispered out. James just shrugged.

“It- okay, that one was new.”

“You should have called me.”

“You won’t always be there, Jefferson. I need to stand up for myself.”

“I’m here now. I also bet you did stand up for yourself anyway.”

“He spat on me. I just-” James trailed off. “He made me feel like I was nothing, Jefferson. I-” James trailed off before he could finish that sentence, before he admitted how often he wondered the same thing.

Jefferson seemed to understand anyway.

“He sounds like a real piece of shit.”

“Yeah. I guess.” James sighed again. “Sorry for dragging you into this. I-”

“You couldn’t take a single step, James. Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. You needed someone and I’m fine with that person being me.”

“Thank you.” James’ voice was quiet, he didn’t have the words to say what he really meant but luckily Jefferson didn’t need to hear anything more.

 

Washington arrived after another five minutes of sitting in silence. Jefferson texted him the class number and within a few moments Washington was there, pushing the wheelchair. James looked at it in revulsion before slowly climbing into it. He didn’t like wheelchairs at the best of time. This was far from the best of times.

They made him feel weak, made him feel like he had deserved every word Seabury had thrown at him.

James lowered himself into it, staring at his hands as Washington began to wheel him out. They had decided long ago that if James felt even the beginnings of an aura he wasn’t allowed to operate the wheelchair. Not since the time he’d had a petit mal and the wheelchair had nearly run into traffic.

As they walked through the halls James kept his head down. He didn’t want people to look, didn’t want people to know. Of course he knew that by the end of school everyone would know. Everyone would know he was too weak to get through a day of school without wimping out.

Seabury would know he’d broken James.

But, James reasoned as they reached the office, more than enough things had broken him before and he’d beaten them back.

James didn’t watch as Washington signed him and Jefferson out. Since the moment James called him they all knew there was no way Jefferson would go back to normal classes. Most days James found the mother-henning endearing. At that moment he found it infuriating.

“Okay, now we’re off.” Jefferson grabbed James’ wheelchair and finally pushed him out of the school, back to Yorktown. As James shifted awkwardly from the chair to his seat he wondered if he deserved this, the love and affection his friend showed him.

He hoped he did.

He wasn’t sure.

 

As the afternoon ticked on, nothing much happened. James treated his leg with Jefferson glaring at him throughout. No matter what Jefferson said, James wasn’t going to bring this to a doctor. It was embarrassing for one thing, for another, completely unnecessary.

James didn’t like doctors. Whenever he went to one they either told him something was worse or that he was essentially wasting their time. They never said that of course but every time James left the building that was all he could think; he’d wasted their time. Time they could have spent on other people who had a much brighter future than him.

When James had eventually shaken Jefferson off he sat down at his desk, pen in hand and paper in front of him. He’d worked on the essay, he’d worked hard. Yet once again he had nothing to show for it. James gritted his teeth. He wasn’t going to let Seabury get away with it. He put pen to paper and began scratching furiously.

**There is little representation in the media today, the representation of minorities which is included is often limited for comedic effect or quickly eliminated. The statistics of minorities dying on shows is much higher than the number of non-minority characters.**

**Maybe the more pressing matter is the lack of representation of sick characters. When characters are presented with long term conditions it is very unusual for them to be allowed to develop. This is shown perfectly by the female character known as Thirteen in House. While it is stated throughout the show that she has Huntingdon’s there is little sign of her deterioration. Characters with PTSD tend, overwhelmingly, to be soldiers returning home, despite victims of rape being much more likely to develop PTSD.**

**In recent years disabilities which have been written into the lore of characters has vanished, such as Hawkeye within the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While he is deaf in the comics he has full hearing in the films which reach an enormous global audience. The Deadpool movie which hit the cinemas in 2016 and crushed many records worldwide ignored that the comics explicitly state that Deadpool is schizophrenic, a condition that many people have to live with despite the stigma that still surrounds it.**

**It gets worse as it moves onto chronic illnesses. Characters in wheelchairs are often shown but they are also frequently healed. Deaf and blind people being healed miraculously seems to be a hit in our modern society but there is very little question as to if the person wanted to gain another sense.**

**While cancer is a common illness to show there are many illness’ which are far more common than cancer which never raise their heads. Much more dangerous illness such as meningitis are ignored, in favour of**

James paused, looking over his work. It was a mess, with no sources and no numbers. It would be hellish to edit. But more than that, as he looked at it he felt more upset. It didn’t make him feel better, it made him feel so much worse.

How dare he pull his own illness into this? How dare he set up his battles against these characters, fictional or not? He knew it could be worse. He’d been told it enough times.

James put the pen down and scrunched up the paper before throwing it into the bin. He set the pad of paper aside, instead reaching into his bag for his homework.

There was no point trying to change the world. He was silent. He was a minority in a world that didn’t give a shit about him. If he ever wanted to change anything he needed to work and he was prepared to do that. He just wished he didn’t have to.

But, he reminded himself, that was his life. After all, it could be worse.

 

When night time rolled around, James placed his prosthetic next to his bed and walked to his pill box. He needed to refill the weekly schedules box. James reached mechanically for the bottle that sat on his desk and frowned as he came up with nothing.

James tilted his head to the side slightly, where the hell was his spare medication?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James is my precious baby who does not deserve any of the pain he gets. (It might get a tiny bit worse for him than this. You know... just a tiny bit worse.) But for all of your people out there shipping Jamilton I have an idea; include Madison.  
> Cutsie ideas like Madison and Hamilton are dating but in an open relationship and James brings home Jefferson because he really likes the guy. Hamilton point blank refuses but then grudgingly accepts and then accidently falls in love.  
> Or maybe sadder ideas, Hamilton and Jefferson really obviously hooking up but not in a real relationship while Madison looks on being really torn up over his break up with Hamilton but also crushing so hard on Jefferson and then just having to watch them not quite fit together until they finally do and he finally dates them as well.  
> Just… Madison needs more love in this fandom. (Everyone needs more love in this fandom.)


	13. If You Call Me Son...

Alexander began the long trudge up the many steps to his room. It always seemed to be longer when he was tired. He hadn’t slept the night before, a manic energy running through him that made everything worse.

When he opened the door he frowned, confused. His room was always the picture of perfection. He kept it clean and the clothes neatly away. There had been enough families in the past who demanded nothing less that he’d given up.

Knowing that at any moment he might have to run, he hadn’t bothered to unpack.

But someone had. His bag of clothes that was normally shoved under his bed was balanced precariously on top of the wardrobe. Alexander opened the wardrobe and frowned as he saw all of his clothes hanging neatly inside. His bed was made and his pyjamas were neatly folded on top.

The walls were now covered in posters, the most prominent being of a cat falling off a branch. Alexander stared at it in confusion before finding that a smile was creeping across his face. He didn’t know who had done this but he honestly couldn’t find it in himself to be mad.

Someone had redecorated his room for no reason other than they wanted. Alexander sat on his bed, smiling. This was the closest he’d felt to a home since his mother. This was-

Alexander frowned, the warm feeling in his chest evaporating as he remembered something. He rushed to the cupboard and leaned up, just managing to catch the bag and sending it toppling to the ground. He rifled through it, with panic building as he couldn’t find it.

His breath shortened as he strode to the desk, ripping every drawer open. It wasn’t there.

Alexander forced himself to take a breath. His heart was racing and he could barely breathe. Who would have done this?

Washington, Burr, Jefferson and James were immediately off the list. The sisters.

Alexander stood and raced from the room, slamming into the sister’s room. Eliza looked up at him, beaming. Angelica regarded him as well with a welcoming smile.

“Did you like it?” Eliza asked. “It was just a bit-”

“Where is it?” Alexander snapped out, advancing. Eliza paled and leant back. Angelica’s face immediately darkened as she stood. “Where is it!” Alexander yelled.

“Get out.” Angelica hissed. Alexander glared at her before he slowly stepped out of the room. “I’ll deal with this.” Angelica whispered to Eliza who just nodded. Her hands were shaking slightly and Angelica set her face. When the two were in the corridor Alexander whirled on her again.

“Where is it?”

“You mean this?” Angelica brandished a small bottle and Alexander stared at her in fear. “What the fuck are you doing with these, Alexander?”

“None of your business.” Alexander gritted out.

“It is my business. These are dangerous!”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” Angelica sighed before holding out the bottle in the palm of her hand. Alexander snatched them back and glared at her. “Those could kill you Alexander. I don’t know why you want them but don’t you fucking dare kill yourself.”

“What do you mean?” Alexander asked warily.

“Eliza cares about you. I care about you. Laurens cares a lot about you. If you kill yourself I’ll fucking resurrect you just to kill you again, got it?”

“I- that’s not why I have them, okay?”

“Are you going to tell me why?” Angelica’s voice softened and Alexander stared at him.

“No. But I-” Alexander trailed off. “I don’t want another home Angelica. I don’t want the streets. I don’t want to be hit anymore. This is my- my get out of jail free card. I just- I need something.”

“Yorktown won’t kick you out Alexander. I promise.”

“A lot of people have promised me that Angelica. They lied. They-” Alexander broke off. People had done a hell of a lot worse than lie to him. Angelica seemed to understand his silent words.

“I know.” Angelica hung her head. “I- I can’t convince you in any way. But I can tell you that this isn’t the answer.”

“It’s not an answer. It’s ripping up the test. I’m not going to do it Angelica. I just- I just need to know that I can.”

“That’s not- that’s not a reason.”

“I’m not suicidal Angelica.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Alexander half lied. He didn’t know to be honest. He wanted the world to stop but he didn’t think he had the strength to pull on the handbrake. Angelica stared at him for a long moment before she sighed. There was no way to get through to him, not now.

She’d talk to Washington if it got worse, alert someone. There was no way she was letting him go.

“Fine. Oh and by the way, if you yell at Eliza you won’t need those. I’ll fucking kill you myself first.”

“Sorry.” Alexander muttered, abashed.

“Did you like the room at least?”

“Yeah, actually. I- I like the cat.”

“You’ll have to thank Peggy for that.”

 

Alexander sat on the edge of his bed, biting at his lip gently. It was nicer like this, nicer to not have to stare at nothing. It hurt his heart in a way, that these people cared. Before he could think too much about that there was a knocking on the door.

“Come in.” Alexander called. Washington stepped into the room and instantly Alexander was on his feet.

“Sir.”

“You don’t need to say that to me every time you see me.”

“Yes, sir.” Alexander smiled faintly at that and Washington returned the smile.

“May I?” Washington gestured to the seat and Alexander nodded. “I see you’ve begun to mix with the other children. I know it wasn’t easy for you in the beginning but you seem to be forming solid relationships.”

“Yes. I- I think I am sir.”

“Who do you think you’re closest to?”

“Probably Lafayette. I know how to speak French and all. I mean, there are also other reasons of course. If the only reason I liked someone was because I could speak their language then I would have a lot of friends.”

“How many languages can you speak?”

“Uh,” Alexander frowned. “Three and I can also read Latin. I can speak English, Spanish and French. I- I grew up speaking Spanish and English and bits of French. It was only when I came here that I learned the bits of Latin. I’m not fluent in it but I can understand most of it.”

“You taught yourself Latin?”

“Yes sir. I used to get books from the library and when the lessons in school got boring I’d try to understand the Latin.”

“How often were the lessons boring?”

“All the time.” Alexander snorted. “Public education is always boring when no-one listens to you. I can speak three different languages and people won’t listen to me in any of them. It’s almost funny but-”

“I listen.”

“Y-yes sir.”

“Lafayette listens. I understand that your last houses were very difficult. But here you are safe. You will always be safe here.”

“I- I understand sir.”

“But you don’t believe me.”

Alexander hung his head. He didn’t believe Washington but that wasn’t his fault. He didn’t really believe anyone.

“Sir, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you-” Alexander bit his lip. He did trust Washington in a weird way. He didn’t understand it but he did. “I need some advice.”

“You can tell me anything, son.”

“Do you know John Laurens?”

“Yes. Lafayette has been good friends with him for a while now.”

“Do you know what his dad does to him?”

“I know that he is beaten.” Washington’s tone turned remorseful. “I’ve reported it but every time an inspection is called they can’t find anything. John doesn’t give them anything they could use. Senator Laurens is smart and he understands how dangerous it would be to show what he was doing.”

“He still does it though. Why’s there so much bullshit around it? You know he’s being hurt, why can’t you help him?”

“The system is flawed. I’ll be the first to say that. No matter how hard we work there are still children who slip through the cracks. There are still children who are hurt and hide it too well.”

“Why don’t you change it?”

“I’m not one for leadership, son. I help the children who come under my care and I hope that one day we can make it better.”

“Laurens was sent to conversion therapy.”

“I know. It’s not technically illegal. It’s not technically child abuse. It’s horrific but the law can’t help him.”

“Then what’s the fucking point of it!” Alexander jumped to his feet as he all but shouted it. Washington levelled him with a look full of authority.

“Sit down, son. There’ll be time for your anger but not now.”

“He doesn’t like thinking about people being gay. He has problem watching Laf and Herc holding hands. I-”

“Why are you so concerned about this?”

“Can’t I just want my friend to be safe?” Alexander grumbled, looking away. Washington smiled gently.

“Is that the reason?”

“Maybe.” Alexander mumbled.

“I have a feeling that’s not all.”

“What do you want me to say? Yeah, I fell in love with the kid whose dad beats him for being gay. More than that, the kid who can barely stand being around Herc and Laf because his father sent him to some bullshit conversion therapy that brainwashed him into hating himself. It’s fucking pathetic.”

“Son, your friend is not in a good place. That doesn’t mean you have to be in the same position.”

“I’m not-”

“I try not to get involved in the love life of my- the children here. But there is no point hiding this. Yes, Laurens is hurt. It will take him a long time to recover mentally and until then he has a support system here. When he is released from his father’s care he will form new support systems but just because you are his support does not mean you cannot chase a romantic connection with him.”

“I don’t know what to say to start it.” Alexander grumbled, staring at the floor. “Never done this before.”

“He won’t need something special. He’ll need to know you care and he’ll want to know your intentions. If he does not feel similarly then he will refuse.”

“What if he remembers what they did to him?”

“Then he may refuse again. Don’t try to punish him for that, allow him to do what he feels comfortable with.”

“Thank you sir.” Alexander muttered quietly, deep in thought. Washington stood and Alexander instinctively did the same.

“I hope you’ll be happy together, son.” With that Washington left the room. Alexander stared after him, feeling something in the bottom of his stomach. He couldn’t describe it, not really. It was almost painful. He frowned before pushing it from his mind. He had more important things to think about.

 

**To: Laurens**

**I need to talk to you**

**From: Laurens**

**That’s… worrying**

**To: Laurens**

**You don’t like gay couples do you?**

**From: Laurens**

**It’s complicated**

**To: Laurens**

**I like a guy. Will you still be able to be my friend?**

**From: Laurens**

**Yeah. I’m still Laf and Herc’s friend. It’ll be fine**

**To: Laurens**

**Will you always be my friend?**

**From: Laurens**

**Yes. As long as I know you**

**To: Laurens**

**Why?**

**From: Laurens**

**Who’s the guy?**

Alexander took in a breath, wondering how stupid he could be. Very stupid he decided.

**To: Laurens**

**You**

Alexander sat back as he waited for Laurens’ response. It took a long time and by the time it did Alexander had started pacing the room and barely noticed it.

**From: Laurens**

**Is this a joke?**

**To: Laurens**

**No**

**From: Laurens**

**Are you saying you like me?**

**To: Laurens**

**Do you need to go through the do I like like you part cause that’s pretty boring.**

Alexander chewed on his lip for a moment before continuing.

**To: Laurens**

**I want to date you**

**From: Laurens**

**That might be difficult. I’m not exactly stable**

**To: Laurens**

**And I am?**

**From: Laurens**

**I still panic about Laf and Herc. I just don’t know what would happen**

**To: Laurens**

**Won’t matter. I’ll be there**

**From: Laurens**

**Thank you**

**To: Laurens**

**So?**

**From: Laurens**

**Yeah**

 

That night Alexander couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know why, there was no manic energy powering him, it was just that he couldn’t sleep. Something was whirring away at the back of his brain and it almost hurt to not think about it.

Washington had called him son.

He’d done it before of course, it seemed to slip out as easily as Aaron’s or even Alexander’s sirs. Alexander had never thought too deeply about the word because it never meant anything, it wasn’t a term of endearment or a promise of something more, it was just a word.

It was almost ironic, Alexander thought, that he was the one to ignore the importance of a word. Words flowed through him constantly and somehow he’d never considered how important that one word could be.

Because as they had sat in Alexander’s room, talking about Laurens and the failings of the system Alexander had felt complete in a way he didn’t remember. Washington had somehow not inspired fear in him but a need to do more, a want to fix the people around him.

He’d had that burning passion for so long but Alexander had never imagined that he could do it, that he could change anything. He was a bastard born, a whore’s son, he was nothing.

As Washington had looked at him, Alexander felt like he was so much more. Everything he knew he was, every single disgrace that clung to his name had gone. He was just a child, with everything to gain and nothing to lose. Now he just need to work out what he wanted to gain.

Angelica’s words flickered through his head. She had said people cared about him. He knew they did, on an intellectual level, but he never thought that he’d know it on an emotional level. He liked them, he liked them all, barring Jefferson of course. It felt like he fit somewhere, as if he was safe.

The feeling in Alexander’s gut grew as he remembered Laurens.

He had a friend, and maybe more, who would be there, who had sworn he would be. For the first time in years he had something he could rely on. No longer did he have to rely on himself or that the next house wouldn’t be quite so cruel. Now he could rely on Laurens, on Lafayette, on Hercules, on Washington, on all of them. They were-

Alexander frowned. They weren’t family. They couldn’t be. They were-

“They’re not my _fucking_ family.” He growled out, as if telling himself would change anything. “They’re not!” Alexander all but leapt off his bed, striding to the bag he kept packed, he always kept packed, the bag that had become his lifeline. It protected him when nothing else did.

When he was curled up in a broken mess of blood and bruises the bag would be there, promising a way out if it came to that. When he watched someone break his arm he knew the bag was there, it would be alright. When he was forced to starve, forced to watch the rest of the family eat, when he was laughed at for wanting a scrap, the bag was there.

He had something much better than the bag.

Alexander slowly forced himself to sit back down. He didn’t have to run. He didn’t have to lash out. He was safe, he was happy. He should relish it, should relax knowing that he wouldn’t be hurt or starved. He had friends, he had everything.

As he slipped off to sleep he tried to ignore what had happened the last time he’d been loved, tried to forget the weight of his cousin’s blood stained body on top of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I know I can't do the getting people together I'M SORRY.) But seriously, the last big fic I did, the two got together in a bathroom after one of them found out the other was trans and they'd been in a physical fight the week before. Man, Shards was a wild ride.


	14. Nobody Needs To Know

Hercules sat on his bed, staring ahead. He didn’t feel connected, he never really did anymore. It felt like he was drifting through the world, as if he was see-through, as if he was already dead. Maybe he was.

But death wouldn’t hurt this much.

He slowly stood, taking deep breaths to ignore the agony around his hips, the deep bruises that showed just who he is. He had bruises all the way up his neck as well, forcing him to wear high collared shirts. Long gone were the days when he dressed as he wanted to.

He more often dressed for Reynolds, either hiding the injuries he had been given or dressed for more bruises to be applied. Hercules hated it, hated it all.

Well, he had hated it. He wasn’t sure if he could summon the energy for that strong of an emotion anymore.

When he was alone it was always worse, he was never sure why. In the silence he stopped thinking, stopped feeling. When there were other people at least he could pretend to feel something. When he was with Reynolds all of his emotions came crashing back with screams of pain. Hercules couldn’t even be upset about that in that moment. He needed to stand up.

Then he’d need to get changed. Then it was breakfast. Then making sure the others had eaten. As the list grew Hercules’ eyes closed. It almost physically hurt, the thought of getting up. But he had to.

 

As usual when he arrived at school it was better. Everything was better when he was surrounded by people, normal people, people who didn’t have bruises betraying the filth that covered him. The bustle and noise of school let Hercules drift slightly. He didn’t need to be there, not fully. When the teachers droned on he could just think about Josh, about little Ana, he could think about his family and how much happier they were now.

“Hercules?”

Hercules jumped at his name and looked up. The teacher was looking down at him, worriedly.

“Sir?”

“Are you okay?”

“Ye- yeah.”

“The lesson is over Hercules.”

Hercules looked around in confusion to find the room empty. He stood abruptly and opened his mouth, finding no words.

“Must have drifted off.”

“If something is wrong you can talk to me. There’s help that you can get if-”

“I’m okay.” Hercules cut the teacher off, remembering how Reynolds had promised the same.

“It must be very difficult, with your mother being sick. No-one is judging you if you’re not working at one hundred percent.”

“I’m fine.” Hercules stated.

“Who is looking after your siblings?” The teacher changed tact, frowning as he did. Hercules paused, throat closing up. He couldn’t lose his family, not now, not after everything he’d done, everything he’d sacrificed for them.

“My Aunt. She came as soon as she heard that my mom was sick.”

“Oh. Well that’s good. I guess you’d better go. It’s lunchtime.”

“Yes sir.” Hercules began shoving things haphazardly into his bag. He didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to be cornered by this man. It was ridiculous and even as he thought it, Hercules was telling himself that. He was being weak again, letting his emotions make the best of him, his irrational, stupid emotions.

“Come to me Hercules if anything becomes a problem.”

“Yes sir.” Hercules muttered before all but running from the room. As soon as he did he was met with the surprised look of Lafayette.

“Mon amour.” Lafayette smiled at Hercules who nodded back, trying to smile back. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” Hercules forced himself to smile. It was fine. Nothing was wrong.

“Are you sure?”

“I had a late night is all.” Hercules smiled. “It’s nothing, Laf. Now come on, let’s go watch Alexander and Laurens trip over themselves.”

“It is quite amusing watching them.” Lafayette chuckled as they fell into step. “But the love is in the air, amour. They will find it soon enough.”

Hercules stopped in his tracks, Lafayette all but running over him.

“Que?” Lafayette asked. Hercules pointed into the crowded hallway, to where Alexander and Laurens were standing next to Alexander’s locker, holding hands. “Mon dieu!” Lafayette exclaimed. “What shall we do?”

“Come on.” Hercules whispered, conspiratorially. The emptiness had vanished, had been covered by the mask Hercules was all too familiar with wearing.  “Let’s surprise them.”

Whatever plan Hercules had been hatching was broken as Laurens glanced down the corridor, locking eyes with Hercules. Laurens bit his lip before looking down at his hand. Alexander seemed to get the message and tightened his grip, looking in the same direction. He whispered something to Laurens that Hercules and Lafayette couldn’t make out.

“Hello lovebirds.” Hercules all but crowed, staring at the two of them. Laurens blushed but Alexander just grinned back. “How long has this been going on for?”

“Since uh, yesterday.” Laurens said, staring at the floor. “It was a bit- um-”

“This has been coming since Alexander arrived, mon ami. Maybe you did not expect it but believe me, everyone else did.”

“Shit.” Laurens muttered. “Di-didn’t realise that.”

“It is of no problem, Laurens.”

“So you all knew this was happening and you didn’t say anything?” Alexander snorted. “Not exactly comforting.”

“Mon ami, you have to realise, you are one of the smartest idiots I have ever known. You are still an idiot.”

“I don’t know if I’m meant to be insulted or flattered.” Alexander turned to Laurens who just shrugged.

“I’d just take it to be honest.”

They walked to the canteen and grabbed their food before they sat. Alexander finally dropped Laurens’ hand in lieu of grabbing his knife and fork.

Lafayette watched as his friends tucked into their meals. Alexander seemed to be halfway through his already and was eyeing Laurens’. Lafayette didn’t know why but he felt bad. It was bad in a way that he couldn’t explain, as if something was missing or as if something was there when it shouldn’t be.

It was the same feeling he’d had back in George’s house when he bought the shirt, when he bought the dress and when George finally kicked him out. Lafayette paused at that thought and the phone in his pocket seemed to gain weight.

George had been texting him.

George had appeared at school trying to talk to him. Lafayette didn’t want to talk, wanted to ignore George completely but didn’t quite have the bravery to delete the texts. He didn’t even have the bravery to look at them.

“Laf?” Hercules said softly. Lafayette jumped and turned to him. Hercules was frowning. “You okay?”

“Of course, mon amour. When am I not?” Lafayette leant over and kissed Hercules gently. Hercules’ hand ghosted to the side of his head and when they broke apart they just stared at each other for a moment. Lafayette felt a smile spread across his face as he saw the joy in Hercules’ eyes. Hercules didn’t smile enough anymore.

“Gay.” Alexander’s mutter made the two split apart. Lafayette blushed and Hercules smiled at that.

“You have no right to speak of such things.” Lafayette said hurriedly, staring at Alexander who just grinned back at him.

“You’re pretty gay yourself Alexander.” Hercules added. Alexander shook his head.

“Nah. I’m bi. Therefore, anything I do is-”

“Still gay as fuck.” Laurens butted in, grabbing for Alexander’s hand. Alexander paused before he sighed and nodded.

“Fine. But only because my boyfriend is taking the wrong stance on this.”

As the table descended into an argument Lafayette sighed as the wrongness he’d felt didn’t go. He just had to hide it once more.

 

That night, Hercules gathered himself, not letting himself slip back into the apathy that wanted to grab him and pull him into the void. He watched as his siblings ate, forcing himself to do the same. Food just tasted bland now, as if it wasn’t real.

But he knew it was, knew that the lack of hunger was bad. He had to look after himself. He couldn’t risk losing the weight he had lost when his mother first got sick, when his ribs stuck out and he’d get dizzy. That had been dangerous and he was better now. Now he could cope with the constant feeling of filth, of violation, of being in some way irrevocably flawed.

He didn’t starve himself anyway because there was no point. Maybe back then he could have backtracked, could have been normal, could have been clean. He couldn’t now. He was filthy and it was only a matter of time until everyone else noticed it as well.

Reynolds greeted him at the door as usual, ushered him inside and introduced a man. Hercules nodded, trying to feel something, trying to feel anything.

“Well, I feel I must be somewhere else.” Reynolds smirked, walking out of the room. Hercules watched him go before turning back to the customer. He smiled at Hercules.

“Shall we?”

“Of course.” Hercules tried to pretend the words didn’t stick in his throat. He walked into the bedroom. Instantly the man was on him, kissing him deeply. Hercules relaxed, fighting would do nothing. He felt his shirt being unbuttoned and he closed his eyes.

The detachment helped here. He didn’t need to feel it as the man pulled off his shirt and then his pants. He didn’t need to feel how the man pulled him to the bed and pinned him down with a grip that was sure to leave new bruises.

“-ou okay?”

Hercules frowned at that. Someone was talking to him. He didn’t understand. He suddenly came back to himself and gasped slightly. The man was still above him but hadn’t undressed, had even left Hercules in his underpants. Rather than staring at Hercules in lust he was staring at him worriedly.

“Are you okay?”

“Wh-what?” Hercules choked out.

“You- you vanished there. Is something wrong?”

“No. I- I’m okay.”

“Bullshit.” The man pulled back, letting Hercules sit up fully. “What was that?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You were dissociating.”

“Please, it doesn’t matter.” Hercules leant forwards and curled his hand in the man’s hair, pulling him in for a kiss. The man pulled back, staring at Hercules.

“What’s going on?”

“Please don’t. Please just-” Hercules could feel himself getting upset but all he could imagine was what would happen if Reynolds found out, if he knew that Hercules hadn’t satisfied a customer, tha-

“Come back to me now.” The man said, putting a hand onto Hercules’ chest. Hercules jerked back. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want this.” Hercules choked out. The man looked shocked, truly shocked.

“What?”

“No I- I’m sorry. I can-”

“No.” The man stated. He frowned, staring at Hercules. “How old are you?”

“Twenty.”

“Funny. Reynolds said you were twenty one.” There was anger in the man’s tone and Hercules pulled back slightly. “How old are you really?” When there was no answer the man sighed. “Are you eighteen?”

“N-no.” Hercules muttered almost too quiet to hear.

“Then this is illegal.”

“It was anyway.” Hercules said softly.

“There’s a difference between sleeping with a twenty-one year old that breaks a law and raping a- I don’t even know your age!”

“Please sir, it- it’s not rape. It’s just-” Hercules felt tears spill down his face and he cursed himself for falling apart. He was meant to be a rock, he was meant to be strong.

But there were cracks running through him. Cracks far too big to cure, there had been for a long time.

“Why are you doing this?”

“My mom’s sick.” Hercules admitted softly. “This was- this was the only way I could get money.”

“Fuck.”

“Please do-don’t tell Reynolds. He’ll-”

“I’m not letting you stay here, kid. He’s-”

“He knows everything! Without my mom I’ll be taken into foster care. My siblings will go. We’ll be separated. I- I chose this, sir. I-”

“Is there no other way?”

“If you tell Reynolds anything about this he’ll say that you slept with me. He- he’ll probably say you slept with Maria.”

“Who’s Maria?”

“His foster kid. She-”

“Fucking hell.” The man gritted out. “I-”

Before he could say anything else the door slammed open. Reynolds stared at them impassively. The man stood angrily.

“What the fuck are you doing Reynolds?”

“I just wanted to see how you two were getting on.”

“I meant here. You’re using children?”

“I’m using people who want to be here.”

“That’s fucking bullshit!” The man cried. Hercules stared at the floor, hunching in on himself.

“Hercules,” Reynolds started, forcing Hercules to look up. “Do you want to be here?”

“Yes sir.”

“How old are you?”

“Tw-twenty one.” Hercules whispered, avoiding the man’s gaze.

“He’s fucking terrified! Of course he’s going to say whatever you want him to! This is rape!”

“This is business.” Reynolds hissed. “A business you hired, I want to add.”

“I didn’t know this was how you fucking did it!”

“You’ll say nothing, got it?” Reynolds hissed.

“I’ll-”

“Please don’t.” Hercules whispered. The man turned to stare at him. Reynolds grinned.

“Kid, I-”

“If you do then you’ll lose everything. I- I won’t testify. I won’t tell the police anything. I- I’ll say you ra-raped me.”

“Why?”

“Because he needs my money.” Reynolds grinned and Hercules nodded shakily.

“This is-”

“Please go.” Hercules whispered. “I-”

The man stared at Hercules before pulling a card from his jacket.

“Take it. For when you’re ready to report this asshole.”

Hercules took it and nodded. The man glared at Reynolds before storming out of the room. Hercules didn’t even look up as the front door slammed. In an instant Reynolds was on top of him, hands around his throat.

“What the fuck did you do?” He screeched. Hercules gasped for air, shaking his head. Reynolds just bared his teeth into an animalistic grin.

“No-nothing!” Hercules gasped out. “I- didn’t- say- an-anything.”

“Really?” Reynolds snarled. “Then why the fuck did he walk out?”

“He asked my age. I- I said twenty.”

“And I’d said twenty one.” Reynolds cursed. “You owe me Hercules.”

“I know.” Hercules whispered, tears causing his voice to hitch. Reynolds released his already loosened grip on Hercules’ throat. His hands continued downwards until he was at Hercules’ boxers. Hercules stared up at the ceiling, trying to blink back his tears.

“And now you’re going to repay me.” Reynolds whispered into his ear. Hercules whimpered quietly. He could have screamed and it wouldn’t have made a difference. Nothing would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hercules will have a happy chapter. Eventually... I promise... (Chapter 31's pretty good. Not too long to go now, right?)


	15. Laurens, I like you a lot

As the school day drew to a close Laurens was worried. He’d been in love with Alexander for a long time, even if he had only realised that the other one returned his affections last week. He wanted to protect Alexander but at the same time he wanted to show him something, to give him something.

Whenever Laurens thought about Alexander he couldn’t help but think to the other boys he’d dated. It wasn’t to compare them, more to add him to some of the most wonderful parts of his life. The boy underneath the cherry tree had encapsulated Laurens’ innocence, the wonder of childish love and the promise that he was normal.

The boy his father had walked in on didn’t represent innocence, in no way could he be imagined for that. Instead he was ferocity and love, a deep love that Laurens had never known he could make until he’d met that boy. That was, more than anything else, what hurt so much when they never saw each other again.

Alexander was so different, he wasn’t innocent, had seen far too much for that. He was fire and rage and passion but he was kindness he was gentleness he was beauty. If someone could encapsulate beauty, could place it in one person, it would be Alexander.

And for some reason Laurens wanted desperately to know where that beauty ended. He wasn’t innocent and neither was Alexander. Laurens knew that Alexander would have the words to describe it but he didn’t. He wasn’t some muse with words, he was a gangly teen who wanted to fuck his boyfriend.

Wanting Alexander and actually asking him were two different things. First Laurens wanted to show Alexander where he lived, invite him into that part of his life before it went any further.

“Laurens?” Laurens jumped at his voice and turned to see Alexander standing there, a smile on his face. “You good?”

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“You coming back to Yorktown?”

“No I was gonna go home.”

“Oh. Okay.” Alexander frowned but shrugged it off. Laurens took in a deep breath.

“I was hoping you could come back too.”

“What?”

“Come back to my house I mean.”

“Oh. Sure.” Alexander hefted his bag onto his back and grinned. “Lead the way.”

 

By the time they arrived at the house Laurens was fidgeting.

“Is everything alright?” Alexander asked. “You look like you’re about to piss yourself.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s just-” Laurens broke off, wondering how he could explain it. “The last time I bought a boy home was the day I was sent to… that place.”

“I’m not going to let that happen.” Alexander took Laurens’ hand. “No matter what happens, you’re not going back to that fucking place.”

“Th-thanks.”

“That other boy,” Alexander’s voice was quiet, almost as if he was nervous. That was enough to make Laurens pause, Alexander was never nervous. “Was he your boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Never talked to him after that day. I don’t even know what happened to him.”

“Well nothing is going to happen to me.”

“I don’t think anything could hold you back.” Laurens meant it as a joke but as he thought about it he realised it was true. There was nothing Alexander had come up against that he hadn’t beaten. He’d been homeless for months, an orphan for years and yet he was still excelling.

“Come on. It’s cold out.”

“Oh, right.” Laurens opened the door and the two stepped inside. Alexander stared around the hallway and Laurens held his breath.

“It’s nice.” Alexander walked forwards. “It’s big. Is it really just you and your dad?”

“Yeah. Don’t have any siblings and my mom’s gone.”

“Sorry.” Alexander muttered, as if it was more of an automatic response than anything else. “Is your dad here now?”

“No. He probably won’t be back for a few hours.”

“That’s good.”

“Why?”

“Because he wouldn’t approve of this.” With that Alexander walked towards Laurens, pressing him against the wall before kissing him deeply. Laurens gasped slightly before returning the kiss.

“I-” Laurens broke off. Alexander grinned at him.

“Hmm? Didn’t catch that.” He leant forwards again, breathing gently onto Laurens’ neck. Laurens let out a strangled noise and Alexander actually chuckled.

“We-” Laurens froze as he heard a car in the drive. “Get off me.” All trace of enjoyment was gone. Alexander frowned but stepped back. Laurens all but ran to the door, spotting his father’s car drive up. “Fuck.” He cursed.

“What is it?”

“My dad.”

“What’s he doing here?”

“I don’t know!” A note of hysteria entered Laurens’ voice. Alexander grabbed his hands, staring into Laurens’ eyes.

“We can work with this. Do you want me to leave, stay or hide?”

“Wha-” Laurens was too busy freaking out. Alexander sighed.

“Do you want me to leave, stay or hide?” Each choice was spoken firmly but gently, as if Alexander was making sure that Laurens could understand him.

“Stay. Please.”

“Okay. I’ll be here.” Alexander squeezed Laurens’ hands once before dropping them. “Come on, where’s the living room?” Laurens pointed in a direction and Alexander tugged in that direction. He then ushered Laurens onto one of the sofas and almost upended his school bag. He took two books and shoved one into Laurens’ lap.

“Wha-” Laurens asked, just as the door opened.

“Let me lead.” Alexander said quietly. He stood, placing the book on the seat. He walked into the hallway, Laurens trailing behind him. Laurens’ father paused as he stared at Alexander.

“Who is this, Jack?”

“Hello sir, my name is Alexander Hamilton.”

“I’m Jack’s father.”

“He’s told me a lot about you.” Alexander kept the smile on his face but there was something about him that belied sarcasm at that line. The man frowned but decided not to press the matter.

“Why are you in my house?”

“I needed some help on my homework and your son was kind enough to offer it.”

“Really? Jack?”

“Yeah dad.” Laurens took in a shaky breath. “I uh- I was helping him with science.”

“Biology has always escaped me. I am so much better at Chemistry. But I do so much prefer English. The study of the natural world may be thrilling but the study of the human brain is more so.”

“I think you might be confusing it with psychology there.”

“Oh no sir, English is the study of the human brain as it has evolved through the centuries. We can see how different things have been viewed throughout the world. It’s fascinating, seeing how we used to consider that the world was flat, how we were the centre of the universe and how with every year we realise that we are so small within the grand scale of the universe. We could look at it through the cold eyes of history or we could look at it through the eyes of English, how people have changed and evolved along with their beliefs and the entertainment they want. English shows us the differing values and ideals of the time as they progress through history, how we as a world have progressed throughout history.”

Laurens stared at Alexander for a moment in confusion. Where had that come from? His father however had loved it as he was grinning. Laurens felt a pang of almost pain at that. He didn’t remember the last time his father had smiled because of him.

“Will you be staying for dinner?”

“I should probably be back before that.”

“Where do you live?”

“In Yorktown.” Alexander stared the man straight in the eye as emotions flickered across his face. Alexander saw the disgust and he did nothing other than keep that smile on his face.

“The orphanage?”

“We prefer to call it a foster home actually.”

“So you’re an orphan?” The man’s tone had dropped. He was now staring at Alexander almost in confusion, as if he couldn’t understand someone like him could be an orphan.

“Yes sir. My family died in a hurricane when I was six.”

“A hurricane?”

“Yes. I was lucky enough to only need a few months in hospital. I’m all better now.”

“Oh.” The man was clearly uncomfortable but Alexander just continued to smile. Laurens stared between the two of them. That wasn’t the story he’d been told but it was more than enough to shut his father up.

“So I should be getting back now.” Alexander spoke into the silence. He shrugged before walking back into the living room. Laurens trailed behind him.

“What was that?” Laurens whispered. Alexander grinned.

“Come off it, I had to! He called Yorktown an orphanage. Every orphan has to have a tragic backstory.”

“You _do_ have a tragic backstory!” Laurens exclaimed. Alexander shrugged.

“So I fudged the details a bit. He’s not gonna check. I do gotta leave now though.”

“Don’t worry. See you at school.”

Laurens walked Alexander to the door before waving him goodbye. Alexander smiled back as he walked down the road. Laurens then closed the door. He took a deep breath before he turned back to his father.

“How did you become friends with a boy like that?”

“He was a friend of a friend. We got talking and I found out he wasn’t good at Biology so I decided to help him.”

“You should more time with him. It might do you some good to have normal friends.”

Laurens knew what his father was skipping over; friends who weren’t gay.

“Yeah.” Laurens mumbled.

“What have you cooked for dinner?”

“I haven’t started yet, sir.” Laurens scurried into the kitchen before he paused. He leant against the cabinet and sighed. This was what he fought for. Every day he fought for nothing but the right for a friendship that his father wouldn’t immediately veto. He did at least find it funny that the one relationship his father accepted was with his boyfriend.

As Laurens cooked his father walked in and stared at the food before he grabbed a bottle of beer. Laurens felt his stomach flip before he continued working, as if nothing had happened. He couldn’t afford to be scared before anything happened.

By the time the meal was ready Laurens’ father had finished two beers and was nursing a third. Laurens was quiet as he laid down the food and he ate quietly as he tried to not give his father any reason to notice him.

It didn’t work.

“So who was the friend you met Alexander through?”

“Lafayette.”

“Lafayette?”

“H-his name is too long to pronounce.”

“Don’t stutter. How can a name be too long?”

“He’s related to French aristocracy. He doesn’t have a title but his father decided to give him a lot of names.”

“His father? I must meet him.”

“Lafayette’s parents are… dead.” Laurens curled into himself slightly as his father fixed him with a glare.

“How many orphans do you hang out with?”

“No-not many.” Laurens flinched slightly as his father stood.

“Do you know,” the man’s tone was even and that terrified Laurens even more, “what it would do to my career if they found out your only friends were orphans?”

“I- I don’t know si-sir.”

“It could ruin me.”

 The man walked forwards until he was standing behind Laurens. The boy trembled slightly as a hand came down on his shoulder. His father leant down to speak softly in his ear.

“Do you know what I’d do to you?”

“N-no sir.” Every breath Laurens took was measured, carefully planned as he felt his father above him.

“Stand up Jack.” Laurens pushed his chair out and turned to face his father. The man stared at him with barely supressed hatred. “Everything that you do reflects on me. Every choice you make could break me. You’re lucky I let you go to school at all.”

“Yes sir.” Laurens ducked his head. He could almost taste the alcohol on his father’s breath. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Thank me.” The man hissed. Laurens stared at him in confusion. “Thank me!”

“Th-thank you sir. I-” Laurens broke off as his father grabbed his throat which cut off Laurens’ oxygen supply.

“Don’t stutter.” With that the man threw Laurens to the floor. “You’re worthless.” He spat out the word but Laurens just closed his eyes. He’d heard worse, he’d heard so much worse. “Stand up.” Laurens hauled himself to his feet to stare at his father. “You deserve nothing and I give you everything.”

“Thank you sir.” Laurens’ voice was dull. He couldn’t bring himself to care. This was meant to be a nice evening spent with his boyfriend. Instead it was probably going to end with him tending his injuries in the bathroom alone.

“That’s not enough.” The man hissed. He kicked Laurens’ knee, causing the boy to fall to the floor again with a cry of pain. “Keep quiet you bastard.” Laurens nodded, not even a whimper escaping him. “Get my walking stick.” Laurens took a moment to understand the order. “Now!” The man enforced his word with a kick in the stomach. Laurens nodded and raced off.

He considered, for just a moment, what would happen if he texted Alexander. The boy could be there before his father did anything too bad. Washington could be there.

But, Laurens reminded himself, Washington would be there. Washington would take him away. His father’s life would be ruined.

No matter how much he hated it when his father hit him, it was still his father. He loved the man. He was the last part of his family. The man was his family and Laurens wasn’t ready to give that up.

As he grasped the heavy wood of the walking stick Laurens took in a deep breath. His father wouldn’t do this forever. He just needed time to get over his mother’s death. In no time he would be back to normal, back to the loving father he used to be.

 

When Laurens was sobbing in his room, angry welts covering his torso, he didn’t let himself think about the man his father had once been. Laurens knew that once upon a time he had been loved, deeply and painfully.

His father would never have dreamed of hurting him but that was before, before Laurens turned into such a disappointment. Before he was gay.

The amount of self-loathing his father had distilled into that word for him was abhorrent. He wasn’t John Laurens anymore, he was gay. His father somehow stripped away any bit of him that would make his father proud, just leaving the homosexual part.

It exhausted Laurens, thinking about it.

Laurens closed his eyes, begging that sleep would come. He wasn’t hurting when he slept.

 

The next day when Alexander asked if Laurens was okay he just nodded. Of course he was, he had to be.


	16. I Don't Know How To Say No To This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is basically the end of the introductory arc. Next arc finishes on chap 21 which I am so hyped for. It's really one of the highlights ;)

“Hey Maria. I uh- I know this is a voicemail but,” Eliza bit her lip, trying to work out what to say “I just haven’t heard from you in a while. Has something happened? I’m worried. So just… text me? Please?”

Eliza hung up, sighing. Angelica looked up from the desk.

“Still no luck?”

“No. I- I’m worried about her, Angie. The last time I saw she…” Eliza trailed off. She didn’t really wanna tell Angelica what had happened the last time they’d been together. Maria didn’t need an overprotective big sister on top of whatever was happening to her.

“What is it?”

“She was acting really weird and then she started crying. I hadn’t-” Eliza broke off again, trying to find the words. “I hadn’t done anything that would make her upset but she just broke down. She kept on muttering something I couldn’t hear. I asked her what it was and she flinched like I’d been about to hit her. Then she ran. She- she hasn’t spoken to me since.”

“Have you seen her in school?”

“No. I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or if something’s happened.”

“Do you know where she lives? You might want to go there. This does sound quite serious.”

“I don’t want to ambush her though. I also don’t want to go alone just in case…”

“We’ll go together then.” Angelica stood, as if that was the end of the discussion. Eliza stared at her for a moment, confused.

“What?”

“Come on,” Angelica had already started to pack away her computer and was standing. Eliza followed her after a moment.

“I- I don’t actually know where she lives.”

“Jefferson will. I think they had something when she first moved here.”

“What kind of something?”

“The kind of something where she pinned him to a wall and made out with him.”

“Oh.” Eliza bit her lip. Angelica spotted it and smiled.

“Don’t worry. Even if she did have something with Jefferson she’s still a good person.”

“It almost sounds like you don’t like me.” Jefferson’s voice came from behind the two. Eliza jumped slightly and Angelica just turned to stare at him.

“I wonder where you’d get that impression from.”

Jefferson pouted slightly and stood from where he had been leaning against the wall.

“Was there a reason for besmirching my name or was it just for fun?”

“Why not both?”

“We need your help.” Eliza cut over the two of them, knowing that they could snipe back and forth forever if left alone. “Do you know where Maria lives?”

“Why?”

“I think she’s in trouble.” Eliza stared at Jefferson beseechingly. “Please, I just want to check on her.”

“Is going to her house really the best option?”

“It’s the only option she’s left me. She’s avoiding me in school, she won’t return my texts or calls. I’m really worried, Jefferson.”

“Are you going alone?” Jefferson’s tone sounded off. If Eliza didn’t know better she could almost imagine he sounded worried.

“Angie’s coming with me.”

“Do you want me to come?” Jefferson asked. Angelica stared at him for a long moment.

“Do you know something, Jefferson?”

“I know a lot of things.”

“I meant about Maria.”

“Oh, of course not.” Jefferson relaxed immediately. “Just worried.”

“Can you give me the address please.” Eliza asked quietly. Jefferson smiled before replying.

“Fine. Never say I did nothing for you”

 

“Are you sure this is the address?” Angelica asked Eliza, staring around. The neighbourhood was rundown with many of the houses looking abandoned. Eliza frowned before nodding slowly.

“Jefferson wouldn’t send us the wrong way for fun, would he?”

“It’s Jefferson.” Angelica snorted before sighing. “No. Not if he thought it was serious. Jefferson’s a lot of things but he’s not the type to just abandon someone. If you think Maria’s in trouble he’ll be helping.”

“Okay.”

Eliza took a deep breath before walking up to the door and knocking on it. Angelica looked around them warily before joining her sister. It took several long moments until the door opened and when it did it was to a man neither of them had seen before.

“Who are you?” The man asked, staring at them. Eliza opened her mouth but said nothing, not sure of what she could say.

“We’re looking for Maria.”

Instantly the man’s posture changed. He looked up and down Eliza with a gaze that made her shudder.

“What’d you want with her?”

“She’s our friend.”

“Liza!” Maria’s voice rang out in fear. Eliza stared at her as she came from the hallway behind the man. “Let me deal with this.” She told the man who shrugged and walked back into the house. Maria took several steps out before pulling the door ajar. “The hell you doing here, Liza?”

“Who was that?”

“He ain’t important. Why’re you here?”

“I was worried about you Maria.” Eliza reached forwards to grasp Maria’s hands but Maria jerked back.

“Don’t worry about me. How’d you get this address?”

“Jefferson gave it to me.”

“Tommy?” Maria snorted.

“You haven’t been talking to me. And the other day…” Eliza trailed off. Maria looked away, back to the door.

“Liza, it ain’t worth it okay?”

“What’s not worth it?”

“This. Us.”

“What?” Eliza choked out. Maria sighed, it looked as if every word hurt her but she ploughed on anyway.

“We ain’t working out. Didn’t know how to tell you. Apparently this is the only way to make you figure that out.”

“You’re dumping me?” Eliza asked softly. Angelica looked between the two of them in surprise but Eliza couldn’t be bothered to remember that technically it had been a secret.

“It ain’t working. You’d better get going.”

“Maria you can’t just-” Eliza reached forwards again and Maria flinched away, eyes closing for a moment as she curled into herself. Eliza stared at her for a moment but Maria righted herself.

“Go Liza. You ain’t meant to be here.” Maria turned to push the door open again. She paused as Reynolds stepped out, staring at the three girls.

“Hello Elizabeth, Angelica. Is there a reason you’re at my house?”

“There ain’t no-”

“We were just visiting Maria.” Angelica spoke over Maria, sensing the tension that had appeared the second Reynolds had appeared. “We should be going now. Come on, Eliza.” Eliza had started crying and Angelica put an arm around her.

“Is something wrong, Elizabeth?” Reynolds asked. Eliza just shook her head mutely. Angelica steered Eliza away, almost covering her with her own body. There was something about Reynolds she didn’t like. As she pulled Eliza away Angelica glanced back in time to see Reynolds pulling Maria back into the house. Maria’s face belied how strong his grip was.

Angelica paused, ready to go to Maria but then shook her head as Eliza sniffled. She knew where her loyalties lay; Eliza and Peggy first, as always. Maria would have to deal on her own.

 

When they got back to Yorktown, Eliza was a mess. The sisters slipped up to their room where Angelica just hugged Eliza, muttering soothing words. When Eliza had finally calmed down Angelica pulled back slightly and stared at her.

“What’s this really about?”

“Wh-what?”

“What was Maria talking about?” At that Eliza whimpered loudly. Angelica pulled her back into a hug, just as there was a knock on the door. Without a pause the door opened to show Alexander. Angelica stared at him.

“Is she okay?” Alexander asked, gesturing to Eliza.

“Knock before you come into a room.”

“I did. You didn’t answer.”

“You didn’t give me time!”

“Is she okay?” Alexander asked again, not deterred. Angelica sighed.

“It’s complicated.”

Alexander sat down on the desk chair, staring at them.

“Where did you go? You went somewhere and now that you’re back Eliza is really upset so I figure something happened wherever you went.”

“We went to Maria Reynolds.”

“The teacher’s kid?” Alexander asked, turning his head to the side. “Why?”

“Eliza,” Angelica turned to face the girl. “You have to explain this. What did Maria mean when she said it was over?”

“W-we were dating.” Eliza snuffled. “For the last few months. She- It was really good Angelica. We thought it was- I thought it was- it was working.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She didn’t wanna tell anyone. D-didn’t say why. She just said that she didn’t want people to know. I thought Reynolds might be homophobic or- I didn’t tell anyone though! I kept it a secret even from you!”

“I don’t mind.” Angelica said softly, soothingly. “If that’s what she wanted it’s okay.”

“Did something happen recently?” Alexander asked, staring at the two of them.

“Well…” Eliza trailed off, biting her lip. “Maybe but-”

“What is it Eliza?” Angelica asked softly. Eliza ducked her head.

“It’s a uh, embarrassing.”

“You can tell me anything, Liza. You know that.”

“We were-” Eliza ducked her head, taking in a deep breath. Alexander stared at her for a moment before grinning.

“You were fucking.”

“No!” Eliza exclaimed. “Well…”

“Eliza?”

“It was-” Eliza shrugged, her face colouring. “It was just- yeah.”

“Oh.” Eliza’s face was red as Angelica began to process what her baby sister had done. Alexander’s snickering wasn’t helping. “Well, what was the problem?”

“I said no.”

“Did she assault you?” Any awkwardness had vanished as Angelica prepared to rip apart anything that had hurt her sister.

“No! I-” Eliza sighed. “I said I didn’t wanna do it and she got really confused. It was- she was talking about how it wasn’t normal, that I should want her.”

“That sounds a lot like rape. Or at least what someone says before they do it.” Alexander’s tone was serious but Eliza shook her head, frowning.

“It wasn’t malicious it was- she started crying. It was like she didn’t understand.”

“She didn’t understand you didn’t want sex?” Alexander clarified. Eliza nodded and Alexander frowned.

“That’s not healthy.”

“What happened next?”

“She was crying and I tried to comfort her but it didn’t help. I hugged her and she flinched away. She ran off and I haven’t seen her since. Not until- not until today.”

“What happened today?” Alexander asked.

“They broke up.”

“Maria broke up with me. But she- it didn’t feel real. I don’t know. Maybe I’m projecting or something but it doesn’t feel right.”

“It sounds wrong.” Alexander stared off into the distance, mulling the thought over in his head. “Did you see anything weird today?”

“Reynolds might be hurting her.” Angelica’s voice was soft but Eliza whipped around to her in horror.

“What?”

“Why do you think that?”

“She flinched and when we left Reynolds just dragged her inside.”

“Fuck.” Alexander sighed. “What do you wanna do?”

“We tell Washington!” Eliza exclaimed, looking between the two of them. “If something’s wrong then-”

“And if CPS doesn’t pick up on it then everything will go to shit for her. Even if he wasn’t doing it before, he might start.”

“That makes no sense.” Eliza snapped out. Alexander fixed her with a stare.

“Fucking happened to me.”

“I-”

“You can’t talk to CPS first. It’s gotta be someone here. CPS won’t do shit if they don’t have evidence of something happening. Even if they did get it they’d be unlikely to do anything because Reynolds is a teacher and has hosted kids before. Maria flinching isn’t going to convince anyone.”

“So what do I do?” Eliza asked, tears forming in her eyes again. Alexander sighed, trying to think.

“If she talks to you, then listen.” Angelica spoke up before Alexander had a chance to. “Don’t expect anything. Just let her talk.”

“If she doesn’t say anything?”

“Then we’ll work something out.” Angelica pulled Eliza into a hug. “We’ll always work something out.”

“Alex,” Eliza started. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“You’re kind of fitting in perfectly with this family.” Angelica said with a smile. Alexander paused before turning back to her with a frown.

“What did you say?”

“The family, Yorktown. I know not everyone thinks of it as home but we’re a family. It’s always good to have another brother.”

Alexander fixed her with an odd look as if even he didn’t understand what he was feeling. He then rose in silence and left the room, leaving the sisters alone.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a West Wing reference in here. I don't think anyone will spot it. If you do, 100 points to your Hogwarts house, seriously (and no, it's not the names of the characters)

Hercules blinked blearily as the room slowly swam into focus. He didn’t understand where he was for a moment before he turned and saw the now all too familiar sight of Reynolds’ covers. He pulled himself up and was shocked to see that it was midday. He tried to jump up but fell back as a wave of sickness came over him.

He sat on the edge, clutching his stomach, willing himself to calm down. He didn’t want to imagine what Reynolds would do if Hercules threw up across the covers. After a few minutes Hercules stood on shaky legs. He didn’t understand why he felt so queasy and why he couldn’t seem to stand up on his own.

Hercules frowned as he thought back to the previous night. He remembered- nothing. It was a blank slate. He remembered meeting two strangers, feeling his heart speed up in terror and then- nothing. He had somehow forgotten the last twelve hours of his life. Hercules shuddered at the thought before grabbing for his phone. He frowned as he saw several missed calls from Ellie, texts from Lafayette and calls from the others in Yorktown. He unlocked it with fumbling fingers.

**From: French Baguette**

**Where are you mon amour? Your soeur is searching**

**From: French Baguette**

**Please respond Hercules**

**From: French Baguette**

**Even Jefferson is worried now**

**To: French Baguette**

**Slept in**

**From: French Baguette**

**Where?**

Hercules paused at that message before sighing. Every good lie had a kernel of truth.

**To: French Baguette**

**I’m at Maria’s house**

**From: French Baguette**

**Maria?**

**To: French Baguette**

**It’s complicated**

**From: French Baguette**

**I shall tell your sister. Hurry home mon amour, she has news**

As Hercules read the text, the door opened to reveal Reynolds. Hercules stood shakily, feeling queasy as he did.

“Ah, how are you feeling today?”

“What the hell happened last night?”

“You performed your job.”

“Why don’t I remember it?” Hercules asked quietly, scared of the answer. Reynolds just grinned in response.

“I introduced you to your customers and you became panicked. I gave you something to calm you.”

“Y-you drugged me?” Hercules asked in horror.

“I did what I needed to. You owe me, Hercules. You were refusing to do your job so I made sure you’d do it.”

“I never fucking agreed to date rape!” Hercules went to stride past Reynolds but the man shot out a hand and stopped him in his tracks.

“You agreed to anything. I own you Hercules.”

“No you fucking don’t.” Hercules hissed out. Reynolds just stared at him.

“Get on the bed.”

“What?”

“Get on the bed.” Reynolds snapped out. Hercules stared at him for a long minute before doing so. Reynolds smiled. “Now take off your pants.”

“Reynolds-”

“Take off your pants.” Reynolds hissed. Hercules slowly pulled them off, setting them aside. Reynolds took a step forwards, letting his own pants fall away. “I own you Hercules.” Reynolds hissed as he climbed onto the bed as well.

 

When Hercules left the house he was crying. His body ached, from the previous night and from Reynolds. He felt violated all over again. This time he hadn’t wanted it. Every other time he had at least been present when it had happened. But this time he hadn’t been, he’d been drugged to the gills with no choice or chance to say no.

It was rape.

But Hercules couldn’t think about that. Reynolds had paid him and that was all that mattered.

He didn’t think about how Reynolds had pocketed more. He didn’t think about how far in debt he must be, how many more forgotten nights would be added to the tally. He couldn’t think about that, so he didn’t.

As he approached his house he tried to straighten himself out, tried to look at least halfway presentable. He knew that it was unlikely to work but he had to try.

The door burst open before he opened it and Ellie came running out. She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly before pulling back. Hercules’ heart skipped a beat when he noticed she was crying.

“Where were you?” Ellie asked, voice thick with tears.

“I was staying at a friend’s house. I’m sorry I didn’t-”

“Mom had her hospital appointment. She’s been kept in. You weren’t there.” Ellie glared at him, the despair seeming to turn into anger. Hercules closed his eyes and sighed. He’d forgotten what day that was.

“I’m so sorry Ellie. How is she?”

“She’s still in the hospital. They weren’t telling me anything because I’m a minor! I had to leave the others there as well.”

“You left them without supervision?”

“Yes because I had no idea where you were! You knew this day was important Herc! Our mom was been hospitalised and you were having a sleepover!”

“That’s not fair Ellie.”

“Get over it! None of this is fucking fair, Herc!”

“I know.” Hercules sighed. None of this was fair. Ellie was being weighed down with so many responsibilities, too many responsibilities. As Reynolds’ orders took more and more time Ellie had to look after their siblings and Hercules could never explain why. He never wanted to, never wanted to tell her how weak he was, what he let people do. He’d work for Reynolds until the debt was paid and then he’d get a normal job when he graduated. He wasn’t sure which would come first.

“Can we go see her?” Ellie asked quietly. Hercules nodded.

“Of course Ellie. I just need to get changed and then we’ll be gone.”

“Why do you need to get changed?”

“I- I forgot to bring a spare set of clothes.” Hercules lied. Ellie stared at him, seeing through the lie but she decided to not say anything. Hercules thanked whatever shitty God had control over his life for that. Small mercies and all.

 

As the two were on the bus to the hospital, Hercules’ phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket and scowled as he saw Reynolds’ number.

**From: R**

**Be here at 6 tonight.**

“Who’s that?” Ellie asked, craning her neck to see. Hercules snatched the phone to his chest before responding.

“Work.”

Ellie stared at him for a long moment, a mixture of emotions playing across her face. It eventually landed on sorrow.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I- I’m not!” Hercules manged to get out, confused. Ellie sighed and shook her head.

“I called your work, Herc. I called them when Mom needed to stay in hospital. They told me you don’t work there anymore. So who was that?”

“Ellie-”

“No! I’ve let you get away with lies for so fucking long!” Ellie’s voice jumped up in pitch as she whirled on him, tears in her eyes.

“Language.” Hercules snapped. Ellie just scowled, crossing her arms.

“What are you doing, Hercules? You told me you were being safe and now you forget Mom’s appointment? You leave me in charge of three kids every day while you don’t work. What the hell is going on?”

“It’s complicated.” Hercules muttered as he stepped off the bus. He went to walk away but Ellie grabbed his arm. Hercules flinched away from the harsh grip but she didn’t seem to notice, too full of grief and rage.

“No. No. You don’t fucking get to do that!” She hissed out, pulling him close. “You disappear every evening, get back at some ridiculous time and just expect me to cope! If you’re not working then what the fuck are you doing to get money?”

“Don’t ask.”

“You need to tell me Herc! I can-”

“What?” Hercules snapped. “Say you’re right, just for a moment. Say I’m in danger, what the hell can you do? You’re a child Ellie. You can’t do anything!” Ellie pulled back slightly at that before sighing. Hercules waited for her to speak, knowing he’d said too much.

“I know I’m powerless, Herc. I know we all are but- if you tell me then I can help.”

“You can’t.” Hercules said. Ellie frowned, her brother suddenly looked ancient, as if he’d seen something no-body should have to.

“Please Herc. You’re scaring me now.”

“I’m okay Ellie.” Even Hercules could hear how fake it sounded. It was a testament to how exhausted Ellie was that she let it go.

“If you get in trouble tell me first. I- I know you’ve got friends, really close friends but if something goes wrong,” Ellie took in a breath, trying to find the words. “If it goes bad and you’re in danger you have to tell me. I- I still have to look after Josh and them.”

“Oh Ellie.” Hercules sighed as he hugged her, pressing her close to his chest as if he could save her from the world and all its horrors. She’d already seen more than her fair share of them.

“I just want us to be a family again.” Ellie sobbed. Hercules rested his chin on her head.

“We are. We always will be. Nothing can stop that.”

 

Hercules spent the rest of the day with his family, wondering how much time he’d been without them. He felt like he’d been in a bubble, frozen in time as they raced past. Ana had gained the weight he’d been fretting over, Josh had grown a few inches and had now decided he wanted to be a firefighter instead of a ballerina. Jed had lost another tooth and it had nearly grown back.

Ellie was turning into a woman. Hercules hated that. She was a child, she was his little sister. But watching them play around his mother’s bed he knew that she was growing up far too quickly.

Hercules kept on checking the time and when five o’clock finally rolled around he stood.

“I’m sorry Mom but I need to get to work.”

“Is it going okay?” Her voice was weak and trembling. Her whole body was weak, frail. The doctors said it would pass but Hercules was terrified it wouldn’t.

“Yeah mom. It’s going great.” Hercules smiled, trying to blink back the tears gathering in his eyes. As he walked out the door he saw Ellie following him.

“Herc this is-”

“Please Ellie.” Hercules heard his voice break and he took a deep breath to steady himself. “I need to do this. I- I need to do this for you, for our siblings, for Mom. I can’t just-” Hercules broke off again and Ellie walked forwards.

“What about you?”

“What?”

“Whatever you’re doing is hurting you. I- I don’t know if that’s the shifts or if it’s… something else. Is it worth it for you? Not for me, not for the family, is it worth it for you?”

Hercules stared at her for several long minutes before ducking his head.

“I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.” Hercules lied, trying to make it sound real this time. He wasn’t sure if he achieved it.

“Okay. I- I’m gonna go back in there. Just- text me when you’re coming home, please.”

“Of course.” Hercules walked away, trying to wipe his tears away subtly. It had been a while since he’d broken down that much in public. Whatever happened at home stayed at home. Even when his mother had been sick, that had been Hercules’ rule. He had fought hard to stay expressionless when teachers asked about how his mother was doing.

Reynolds wasn’t the first to see through the mask but he was the worst. That had reminded him just why he needed to hide.

 

When Hercules finally staggered out of Reynolds’ house he was ready to break down all over again. He leant against the wall for several long minutes before hauling himself up. As he did the door opened. Hercules whirled around to see Reynolds standing there.

“Wh-what do you want?” Hercules asked, trying to sound brave but failing miserably.

“Maria said you might want a lift.”

“No I-” Hercules broke off, feeling the exhaustion in his body. “Yes please.” He whispered. Reynolds nodded, gesturing to his car. Hercules got into it slowly, ignoring the bruises that seemed to cover his body. They weren’t anything new but that didn’t stop them from hurting.

“You’re doing well, Hercules.” Reynolds said. Hercules flinched slightly before nodding. “Is your mother recovering?”

“Can we-” Hercules broke off. He didn’t want to tell Reynolds this, didn’t want it in the open. It was something he wanted to keep close, to cling to in the darkest times. But Reynolds seemed determined to introduce more, even darker times, to rip away anything that could help Hercules cling onto his sanity. “No. She’s in hospital. They- they’re trying to diagnose- something.”

“Will that cause a problem with your schedule?”

“No sir.” Hercules whispered out. Reynolds had a way to make Hercules feel like nothing, to make him feel like a commodity which Reynolds sold at whatever price he wanted. On some level that was correct but still, it rubbed Hercules the wrong way.

“Good. You can have the day off tomorrow.”

“Sir?” Hercules asked, barely understanding what Reynolds had just said.

“You deserve time with your friends and family. If not they might get suspicious. Is anyone suspicious now?”

Hercules paused before he responded.

“No sir.” There was no way he was pulling Ellie into this. He was too busy thinking that he didn’t even notice that the car had pulled to a stop until Reynolds startled him from his reverie.

“Are you going to get out Hercules or are you staying the night?”

“N-no sir.” Hercules all but jumped from the car. Reynolds watched him stride to the front door and unlock it. As soon as Hercules was inside his last barrier collapsed and he nearly collapsed. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. Keeping up a mask in front of the customers, Reynolds, his family, and his friends was exhausting.

“Who was that?”

Hercules snapped his head up to see Ellie standing at the top of the stairs.

“Why are you still up, El?”

“You told me you would text me when you were coming home.” Ellie’s arms were crossed and she was glowering down at Hercules.

“I didn’t have time.”

“Who was that?” Ellie asked again. Hercules shook his head, heading into the kitchen.

“No-one.”

“Really? Cause it fucking looked like someone!”

“Language.” Hercules muttered, grabbing a cup and filling it with water. He ignored how much his hand was shaking.

“Don’t fucking tell me to mind my language when you turn up in a car with a man I’ve never met! What’s going on Hercules? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Laf’s my boyfriend. I’ve told you that.”

“Fine, is he just fucking you then? Is that how you’re getting money?”

Hercules stilled at that before turning to Ellie. He felt rage bubble in his gut, not at her but at the whole situation.

“You have no idea do you. You’re a child Ellie! I’m working like a normal person! I’m not some kind of fucking whore!” Hercules spat that lie out, as he always spat the word but he could feel the emptiness. After all, that was all he was made of anymore. Ellie took a step back as Hercules approached. “I’m doing everything I fucking can to keep this family alive! I’ve sacrificed _everything_ for you! I’m the reason we’re not homeless right now! And you accuse me of fucking people for money?” Hercules took another step forwards, not even noticing the fear in Ellie’s eyes. “You self-entitled _brat_!”

“I’m sorry.” Ellie whispered, eyes wide. Hercules paused as he saw Ellie begin to cry. It was silent, the kind of crying when someone is exhausted, when someone can’t even summon the energy to make noise.

“God Ellie, I-” Hercules took a step back but Ellie stayed still, just standing in the kitchen, crying. “He’s my employer Ellie. I- I got another job and he- he drove me home. That’s all. I promise.”

“I just want to help.” Ellie’s voice was garbled through the tears but Hercules could still hear it. “I- I know what you’ve done, I know but I- I’m trying my hardest as well. I wanna work but you and mom won’t let me. I- I want to help Herc!”

“You are helping. I promise. You’re looking after the others.” Hercules took a step forwards and was horrified as Ellie flinched.

“Your supper’s in the fridge.” Ellie mumbled before turning and running from the kitchen. Hercules watched her go, heart breaking. But he knew Ellie, going after her would do nothing but frustrate her. She needed time. Tomorrow he’d apologise. Tomorrow.

Hercules opened the fridge and pulled out the meal. He stared at it for several long moments before realising he wasn’t hungry. He sighed. How had he managed to fuck up so badly?

He knew the strength he had but he’d never known he had that temper. Maybe Reynolds was brushing off on him.

But as he forced himself to eat the cold meal he knew that wasn’t true. This anger was from him and Ellie hadn’t deserved any of it.

 

As the next morning rolled around Hercules had to bodily push himself out of bed. He didn’t want to move at all. The bruises across his body ached and all he could think about was Ellie’s face as she ran off.

As always he did eventually push himself out of bed. He got into the shower, turning it to the hottest setting and trying to scrub away what had happened. It never worked but somehow Hercules always hoped it would. The definition of madness perhaps.

Breakfast was quiet, each of them concentrating only on the food in front of them. Ellie was purposefully avoiding Hercules’ gaze and the others were picking up on it. It was one of the most awkward meals Hercules had had in a long time.

When it was done, Hercules cornered Ellie in the hallway.

“Ellie, I shouldn’t’ve shouted at you. That was messed up.”

“I shouldn’t’ve said what I did. I’m just- I’m scared Herc. You seem so tired and- I wanna help.”

“You are. You’re looking after the others.”

“I wanna help financially. Can you talk to your employer about hiring me?” Ellie’s voice was so full of hope that Hercules felt his mouth fill with bile.

“I- I’ll look into it.” He choked out. He wanted to keep Ellie out of work, wanted her to focus on her schooling but it was getting to a point where it might need to happen. But never, not in a million years, would he bring her to Reynolds. He’d die before letting Ellie anywhere near him. He’d sacrificed everything for her and the others, he wasn’t ready to stop now.

“Thank you.” Ellie whispered, hugging him. Hercules tried to ignore how the embrace felt like fire, how it repulsed him. It shouldn’t, it was his sister but all he could think was that he was dirty and she might notice, it might pass on to her. He extricated himself gently.

“You better get ready for school. Are you okay to take the little three?”

“Yeah. Go to school. Don’t worry about me.”

“Thank you.”

 

When lunch rolled around, Hercules found himself sitting next to Lafayette with Alexander and Laurens facing them. Laurens had stopped flinching when he saw the two linking hands, instead he looked almost interested.

Hercules wasn’t worried, he knew Laurens wasn’t about to go after him or Lafayette anytime soon.

“Mon amour?” Hercules was jerked from his train of thought as Lafayette spoke.

“Sorry, what?”

“Told you he wasn’t listening.” Laurens said, a grin on his face.

“Is something wrong?” Alexander asked, having already finished his meal. Hercules shook his head before pausing.

“My mom’s sick.” Even as Hercules spoke he didn’t know why he was doing it.

“Mon amour.” Lafayette placed a hand on Hercules’ shoulder comfortingly. “What is wrong?”

“We don’t know.” The table fell silent at that. They were all staring at him in shock, waiting for him to continue. After several long moments he eventually did. “She’s been hospitalised. The doctors think they’ll be able to treat it but- it’s gonna be a while. She’ll need a lot of help. But it’s- it’s not that terrible. I mean, it could be worse.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Laurens asked softly. “We could have helped.”

“I didn’t-” I didn’t want you to wonder how I was getting the money. I didn’t want your pity. I didn’t want you to know. “I didn’t want to admit it. If- if you guys didn’t know then it was like it wasn’t real, you know?”

“Oui. I understand.” Lafayette sighed. “Mon amour, I wish you had told us. We are here for you, now and always.”

“Thanks.”

“Will you be seeing her tonight?” Laurens asked.

“No I- I don’t like seeing her like that. It makes it real.”

“You should see her.” Alexander’s voice was soft. “You- you never know how much time you have with them.”

“Petit lion, what do you mean?”

“Illness can just-” Alexander shrugged, shifting in his seat. “That’s what killed my mama. I was there but I wish- I still wish, after all these years that I had more time. Even if your mama gets better, spend time with her Herc. You never know what you have until it’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry but tbh I'm saving that for next chapter (and chap 79 ofc)
> 
>  
> 
> (and 30, 36, 43, holy fuck 47... i think i might be spoiling stuff...)


	18. We Have An Immigrant You Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is everyone hating the major villains enough yet? No? Okay.

Hercules knew something was wrong when he walked into Reynolds’ classroom. The man himself was stood at the front of the room, just staring at him. Normally the man would pretend in some way, would cover the fact he was waiting by marking or reading.

But there was nothing.

“Close the door.” Hercules did as he was told, trying to stop his hands from shaking violently. “Come here.” Each step made Hercules feel faint but he pushed that thought from his mind. All he knew was that he’d be out in just a few hours, he’d be home. He’d have money and could get what his family needed.

“What do you want, sir?” Hercules asked, trying to ignore how the sentence made him want to throw up or how each word grated against his throat, catching and hurting his already aching skin.

“Stop your relationship with Lafayette.”

“Wh-what?” Hercules asked in astonishment. Reynolds just stared back.

“You’re mine, Hercules. You’re not his. Every second you spend with him you dirty him. You make him like you.”

“No. I-”

“Do you really think you deserve him?” Reynolds spat out. Hercules opened his mouth but nothing came out. Reynolds watched him with a glare. “How many people have you let touch you, Hercules? How many people have you fucked for spare change? Lafayette is a gentleman. He deserves better than you.”

“Laf chose me.” Hercules choked out. “He- he loves me.”

“No-one could love you like this.” Reynolds snorted and Hercules winced. “You’re pathetic.”

“I’m not!” Hercules shouted. As soon as the words were out of his mouth a hand was around his throat and there was a wall behind him. Reynolds stared at him in disgust before leaning forwards. Hercules opened his mouth, let Reynolds kiss him. Hercules closed his eyes, not letting himself think about how right Reynolds was.

He always felt dirty when Reynolds kissed him. He always felt filthy, as if there was something inside him that couldn’t be removed no matter how much skin he scrubbed off. When Hercules let the other people touch him it was worse, much worse. Each touch felt like it burnt him and even when he took scalding showers he could still feel the touches burnt into his skin.

“Stop the relationship.” Reynolds muttered, mouth inches from Hercules’ ear. Hercules shuddered before shaking his head.

“I love him. You- I’ll sleep with whoever you want but you- you can’t make me stop loving Laf.”

Reynolds pushed Hercules back at that then stared at him for a long moment.

“Fine.” Reynolds strode to his desk and pulled out a slip of paper. Hercules took a deep breath to compose himself. “Go to this address at six.”

“Wh-what will they want?” Hercules asked, trying to look anywhere but at Reynolds.

“He’ll want you, Hercules.” In all your-” Reynolds gestured to Hercules, “wonder. Now go.”

“Yes sir.” Hercules paused and sighed, hating himself even more. “When do I get the money?”

“That eager to start?”

“Please sir. Just-” Hercules looked up. The simple action of meeting Reynolds’ eyes was far more difficult than it should have been. “Please, can I just have the money?” Reynolds sighed before walking back to his desk and pulling out a small envelope.

“You’ll get the rest tomorrow. Come to my house when you’re done.”

“With this client sir? I thought-”

“Didn’t I mention?” Reynolds smiled as he pressed the envelope into Hercules’ hands. “I want you tonight as well.”

“What?” Hercules exclaimed. “I- I can’t-”

“Then break up with Lafayette.” Reynolds spat back. “If you think you have time for a boyfriend then you have time for this.” Hercules stared at him for a moment before he took in a deep breath and nodded.

“I’ll be there. I- I just need to figure something out.”

“Good. You’d better get going, don’t keep the King waiting.”

Hercules nodded dumbly before walking out of the classroom. Maria was waiting outside.

“What’s he got ya doing?” Maria asked quietly. Hercules shook his head and Maria frowned. “You gotta tell someone Herc. Might as well be me.”

“He wanted me to break up with Laf. I can’t do that.”

“So he gave you a punishment?”

“Yeah.” Hercules handed the card to Maria who frowned. “Heard of him?”

“No. George Frederick?”

“Reynolds called him the King?”

“Oh.” Maria’s face dropped suddenly. “Oh.”

“What?”

“I- I don’t-” Maria bit her lip, smudging the red lipstick across her teeth. Maria handed the paper back and shook her head. “How much does Lafayette mean to you, Herc?”

“What do you mean?” Hercules asked in confusion. Maria didn’t look at him, as if she couldn’t bear to meet his eyes.

“I know the King. Or I- I heard of ‘im anyway. He- he’s got a reputation.”

“For what?”

“Pain. Pretty fucked up stuff. Herc you- you’re in deep but the King’s another level of shit.”

“I can’t just back out now. I-”

“I don’t know what you got with your boy but you gotta ask if he’s worth this.”

“Laf is-” Hercules sighed and shook his head. “It doesn’t fucking matter, Mari. We don’t have enough to cover the month’s rent. I’ve got- I’ve got a week. It’s King or Reynolds or whoever wants to fuck me it’s-” Hercules took in a deep breath, almost surprised at the tears gathering in his eyes. “I can take a bit of pain for my family.”

“Tell your friends, Herc. Tell Laf. He can get ya outta this. Tell your mama.”

“You don’t. You didn’t tell Eliza. Why-”

“I’m lost darling. I’m- I’m a whore. It’s-” Maria shrugged. “That’s who I am. That’s not who you are.”

“It is now.” Hercules scrubbed at his face, trying to get rid of the tears running down his cheeks. Maria watched him for a moment before engulfing him in a hug. Hercules relaxed into it.

For some reason her touch didn’t burn him like the others did. Her touches didn’t make shame pool in his stomach. Even when Lafayette touched him it made him want to hide, to cry, to save Lafayette from seeing who he really was. Maria was the only one Hercules felt real around.

Because she’d been through the same thing.

“Call me when you’re out, okay?”

“Of course.” Hercules offered her a smile as she released him. She nodded and he turned to go.

“Wait!” Maria called out. Hercules stopped and turned to the girl. “Cry. He- it’ll be faster.”

“Wha-”

“Just- cry. Show that it hurts. He- he likes that.”

“Thank you.” Hercules choked out. Maria just nodded, tears filling her open eyes. “Don’t cry Mari. You’ll ruing your makeup.”

“Please be safe, Herc.”

“I always am.” With that Hercules stood and left, not letting the fear in his gut distract him.

 

Hercules went through the motions automatically. First he counted each bill out carefully three times, double checking and once more for luck. He then went to the shop and bought the food for that night.

The walk back felt like it took forever, each step making Hercules dizzy. His stomach was roiling in circles and he felt like throwing up as he remembered Maria’s words. She didn’t get scared at a lot of things, she had gone through far too much for that, but she seemed terrified of the King.

When Hercules finally got back to his house he wanted to collapse and not think but he couldn’t. So he told Ellie he was going to Yorktown and ignored the questions he could see her asking. She wanted to so desperately but she didn’t, simply nodding.

Hercules then gave her the food, told her to not wait up and went to his room. He stashed the rest of the money there, keeping ten dollars on him just in case he needed to get a ride somewhere. He heard a voice sneering in his head that he could pay his way somewhere a lot easier than that. He ignored that voice.

When Hercules couldn’t put it off any longer he pulled off his school clothes and pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. They were both fairly new, with none of the patches that made up most of his clothes.

As he was changing he caught a glimpse of himself in the window and felt like collapsing all over again. His hips were bruised an ugly purple and green colour that stood out even against his dark skin. Hercules tentatively reached a hand over the bruises and shuddered.

Hercules glanced at his watch and realised he still had time for a shower. He all but jumped in and turned the water up as high as it would go.

As his skin burned no-one was there to notice the tears dribbling down his face.

 

When Hercules knocked on the door he didn’t know what he was expecting. It wasn’t the man who answered. The man looked familiar in some strange way. Hercules frowned, not knowing how to place it. The man seemed to be having the same problem but he still gestured Hercules inside.

“I presume you are Hercules Mulligan.”

“Yes sir.”

“Have we met?”

“I- I’m not sure.”

“Hm.” The man gave him one more once over and Hercules forced himself not to shudder with revulsion. He didn’t know why but he didn’t like this man. He didn’t like any of these people, the people who viewed his body as a commodity for their taking, but this man seemed to be much more menacing than most. “I’m George Frederick. Are you ready?”

“Y- yes sir.” Hercules cursed himself for the slight stutter. He took a deep breath, remembering what Maria had told him. It would be alright. He’d survived terrible things. This couldn’t be much worse, right?

 

Hercules was wrong. He was tired of that. He was tired of everything. When George finally left the room Hercules ached and his lip was bleeding from where he’d bitten down too hard. His cheeks were streaked with tears. Even if Maria hadn’t told him, he didn’t think he would have been able to hold them back.

He stood shakily before grabbing for his clothes. He tugged them on and stumbled out of the room. He wasn’t sure where he was going so was surprised when he stumbled into a living room. He turned to leave before he spotted a picture on the wall. He frowned, stepping forwards.

The picture showed George, a woman and a child. Hercules felt revulsion rise in his throat at the thought of George having a child. But that wasn’t what drew his attention to the picture. Something was off, something was wrong. Hercules couldn’t work it out.

He walked further into the room, seeing the other pictures on the wall. As he looked around he didn’t see a single baby picture, the youngest had to be six or seven years old. He limped over to one of the pictures in pride of place on top of the fireplace.

He picked the picture up and stared at it. Suddenly the wrongness made sense and he dropped the picture in shock. He didn’t even realise as glass flew across the ground, all he could think of was the picture.

It had George and the woman from the other pictures standing on either side of the child. The child was a boy with dark skin and a wide grin. His hair floofed around his head and Hercules couldn’t stand to look. It was Lafayette. He was missing a few years but it was Lafayette, there was no doubt.

“I thought I recognised you.” Hercules turned at George’s voice. George was scowling at him.

“You’re Laf’s adopted father.”

“I am his father! I love him and he is mine!” George snarled out, striding across the room. Hercules stumbled backwards, cowering slightly. “I’ll get him back no matter what they try!”

“You hurt him.” Hercules murmured. He didn’t have the strength to snap at this man.

“I created him! He was nothing before me!”

“He was Lafayette!”

“No, he was a wreck! He was a filthy immigrant. I shaped him into a beautiful creature. When I get him back I’ll show him, I’ll show him everything.”

“Like how you hire prostitutes?” Hercules snapped back. George snarled, punching Hercules in the face. Hercules cried out as he landed on the floor, the glass cutting into his skin.

“I hire filth like you because Gilbert isn’t here.”

“Wha-” Hercules stared up at the madness in George’s eyes.

“I am going to remind him who he belongs to. I will shape him into the perfect creation.”

Hercules tried to shuffle away but George wasn’t letting him. He pressed down on Hercules’ arm, driving the glass shards deeper. Hercules yelped in pain but George didn’t let up.

“You’ll tell him nothing, whore. Got it?”

“I-” George pressed down harder. Hercules could feel the glass shifting under his skin and he cried out.

“Got it?”

“I won’t. I- I promise.” Hercules sobbed out. George regarded him for several long moments before a wide smile spread across his face.

“Good!”

“Wh-what?” Hercules asked in astonishment at the sudden flip in George’s emotions. One second he was shoving Hercules into glass, the next he was grinning.

“You should tell Reynolds to up his prices. However he’s been training you it’s working. You’re one of the best ones I’ve had in a long time. Now run along, I’ll ring Reynolds in a few days. Don’t worry, this won’t be our last meeting.”

Hercules pulled himself up, avoiding using the arm with glass embedded in it. He ran from the house, not sure of what had just happened. He eventually slowed and pulled his phone out of his pocket to ring Reynolds. He picked up on the second ring.

“What do you want?” Reynolds spat out. Hercules opened his mouth before closing it.

“I’m done. Wh-what do you want me to do?”

“Are you hurt?”

“Y-yes.”

“Then you’re useless to me. Be back tomorrow.”

With that Reynolds hung up and Hercules hung his head. He had just slept with Lafayette’s father. He- Hercules felt tears trickling down his face and he wiped them away. He needed answers, he needed answers now.

Hercules looked around before he started walking towards Yorktown. It didn’t feel real, nothing did. The pain in his arm was muffled, as if he was under water, trying to see through it. The world spun confusedly, making him feel sick. The noise around him distorted and whirled around him.

He didn’t understand how long it took to get to Yorktown. It felt like eons and seconds at the same time. Then he was there. Hercules stared up at the building before knocking on the door. Lafayette answered the door and paled as soon as he saw Hercules.

“Mon Dieu!”

“Mon amour.” Hercules muttered. “That- that’s the right one.”

“Come in. What happened?” Lafayette reached for Hercules’ arm but he shied away, shuddering. Lafayette stared at him in a mix of horror and pity. Hercules didn’t even see.

“I need- I need to talk. Talk to- to you.”

“Come on. Come into the kitchen. I can get Washington-”

“No!” Hercules snapped, flinching at his own voice. “I- I need-” he looked around in confusion. “I need you Laf. I- I-” Hercules suddenly broke down as tears flowed freely down his face. Lafayette looked at him in horror. He’d never seen Hercules cry.

“O-okay. We- come on. Let us go to my room.”

Hercules nodded numbly before slowly climbing the stairs. Lafayette stared at him in terror. Hercules was limping, his lip was split and there was blood covering his sleeve.

“What happened to you, mon amour?” Lafayette asked quietly, rolling up Hercules’ sleeve. He could see the blood pooling underneath and the glass underneath the skin. He sucked in a breath. “Merde. This is not good, Hercules.”

“Laf-” Hercules broke off. Lafayette frowned, moving closer.

“Mon amour-”

“H-Have you ever- ever had a secret?” Hercules’ voice broke slightly and he curled further into himself.

“Oui.” Lafayette murmured. “Are you okay?”

“Not any secret. A- a big one. A- something that could- could ruin everything I mean.” Hercules’ voice was weak. Lafayette moved closer, laying a hand on his non bleeding arm. Hercules jerked away from it before forcing himself to stay still.

“Hercules, what is this?”

“I- I did something. So-something that-” Hercules broke off as more tears dribbled down his face. Lafayette watched him, not knowing what to say. “It’s-”

“There is nothing you could have done that means I would not care for you.”

“This-” Hercules sniffed as tears began rolling freely down his face. “It’s just-”

“I have a secret as well.” Lafayette murmured softly. “I have a secret that did ruin my life.”

“Wh-what?”

“I believed it would ruin my life. I believed that there was nothing I could do. But that secret brought me to you. Hercules- it- it does not matter. I promise. It brought me to a better life.”

Hercules stared at him for a long moment, with the words on his tongue. All he needed to say was that he’d been threatened, that he’d been blackmailed. He’d never need to tell Lafayette about everything he’d done, about how he’d asked for it. Just- just that he’d been threatened.

“Wha-what was it?” Hercules asked, hating that he was hoping it was bad. But if it was, if Lafayette had done something terrible then he’d be okay, his secret wouldn’t be too terrible. If Lafayette had hurt someone, had kept a secret, then maybe the filth Hercules felt at every second could be washed away.

He hoped it could one day.

“It was,” Lafayette sighed, shifting backwards. “It was when I was still living with Charlotte and George.” Hercules flinched at the name but Lafayette didn’t spot it. “They wanted me to be perfect and I wasn’t. I was-” Lafayette broke off, trying to summon the courage to continue. “I’m not- I- I’m not male Hercules.”

“What?” Hercules asked numbly. That was Laf’s secret? That he wasn’t male? Hercules suddenly felt sick, how dare Hercules ever hope that Lafayette’s ordeal was worse than his? Everything he’d been called was right, he was filth, he was evil. He was nothing. He deserved nothing.

“I do not know quite what I am but-” Lafayette fiddled with his hands nervously. “I know that it is not normal and I know that- I know you’re gay and not- but-”

“I need to go.” Hercules said, numbly. He couldn’t burden Lafayette with this.

“Hercules!” Lafayette stood as Hercules did, reaching for his hand.

“Don’t touch me!” Hercules jerked back. Lafayette couldn’t touch him, couldn’t be dirtied by Hercules. With that thought, Hercules stumbled from the room, not even noticing the heartbreak on Lafayette’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls don't hate me. It gets better. (and worse) but also better! (eventually)


	19. Someone Who Understands What I’m Struggling Here To Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly early chapter but I am just very very hyped for the few chapters that follow this, they're very revealing

Lafayette stared at Hercules’ back for several long moments before tears began to drip down his face. He could faintly hear the door slam and he collapsed numbly back onto his bed.

George finding it out had been bad enough, how he had hit Lafayette, how he’d humiliated him. But in the end he wasn’t a father, he wasn’t a friend, he was someone Lafayette grew to hate and didn’t respect.

Lafayette loved Hercules.

He let out a loud sob as he realised that. He loved Hercules and this was what happened in the end, Hercules was gone and Lafayette was left, once more, alone. A strange calm settled over him as he remembered what he’d done last time.

The scars were still raised and bumpy. Lafayette never wanted to repeat that, never wanted to go so deep his life was in danger. But he wanted to feel- something. Something more than the agony that consisted of Hercules walking out on him.

Lafayette stood, each movement jerky, and stumbled to his desk. He pulled out the small blade he’d once ripped out of a razor and weighed it in his hands. It was so thin, was almost nothing. But it could do so much. It _would_ do so much.

Lafayette slowly pulled off his shirt before running his hands over the rest of the red and white lines that showed far more than he wanted them to. He placed the blade against his chest.

The first cut stung. Lafayette gasped out in pain before the calm washed over him. He didn’t need to think in that moment, just feel. It didn’t matter what was really happening. It didn’t matter that Hercules had-

Lafayette growled low in his throat at that thought, at how stupid he was for bringing it up. It was a secret for a reason, no-one would accept him. He was a freak. He raised the blade to his chest again and cut viciously. This time nothing appeared in his head to stop him. Each stroke wanted another one. Lafayette knew there blood pouring down his chest but he didn’t care. An anger had overcome him.

If he wasn’t this, this freak, he’d be happy. His mother would be alive. His father would be alive. George would have loved him. Hercules would love him.

“Lafayette!”

Lafayette looked up to see Jefferson standing in the door way. Lafayette opened his mouth to say something but before he could think of it Jefferson ran across the room, grabbed the blade from his hands and threw it across the room. Lafayette watched it go, almost numbly.

“Oh my god.” Jefferson muttered, staring at the mess that was Lafayette’s chest. He grabbed Lafayette’s discarded shirt and pushed it against the teen’s chest. Lafayette stared at him as if he was removed from the situation. “Gil!” Jefferson shouted. Lafayette whimpered gently at that and Jefferson sighed. “Why?”

“Hercules. Mon amour-” Lafayette broke off into a flood of tears. Jefferson stared at him for a moment before leaning forwards to encase him in a soft hug.

“Gil-” Jefferson’s voice was soft and sympathetic. “What did he do?”

“Nothing. I- I did it. I’m-” Lafayette turned into Jefferson’s shoulder slightly and Jefferson pulled him closer. “I’m a freak.”

“No you’re not.” Jefferson murmured back, knowing Lafayette didn’t need it shouted. He just needed to hear it. “You’re amazing.”

“George couldn’t take it. H- he beat me for it.” Jefferson tensed at that and Lafayette whimpered softly.

“He was wrong for that.”

“No. He-he was right.” Lafayette pulled back slightly. Jefferson let him go and just stared at him. “I- I deserved it.”

“Why did you?”

“I’m wrong. I’m not-” Lafayette hunched further in on himself. “I’m an abomination.”

“You’re wonderful, Gil. What did Hercules do?”

“He got out when he could. When he- when he figured it out.”

“What did he figure out?”

“I- I shouldn’t have been born Thomas. I’m-”

“Don’t talk like that, Gil.” Jefferson’ voice was sharp.

“I told Hercules what I am.”

“What are you?”

“I’m- I’m not- I-” Lafayette broke off and Jefferson sighed.

“Is it your gender?” Lafayette froze before nodding slightly. Jefferson sighed and pulled Lafayette into a hug. “That doesn’t make you any less of a person Gil. It- it’s nothing.”

“George beat me for it. I-”

“You didn’t deserve that. No-one should hit a child.”

“I don’t want to hide it anymore Thomas.” Jefferson was silent for a long moment before he nodded.

“Then don’t.” Jefferson pulled back slightly and held out his hand. “Hello.”

“Que?”

“My name is Thomas Jefferson. Well, Thomas. I made the second part up but I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed. I prefer he/ him pronouns.” Lafayette stared at him for a moment before reaching for Jefferson’s hand and gently shaking it.

“I- I am Gilb- non,” Lafayette sighed. “I am Lafayette.”

“And your pronouns?” Jefferson asked gently. Lafayette frowned, biting his lip.

“I- I don’t know.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“I- I think that-” Lafayette sighed. “They?”

“Okay. Are you okay with me using it in public?”

“N-non.” Lafayette sighed. “I am sorry but-”

“It’s your choice. Everything is. Pronouns, names, anything. It’s your choice and your choice only.”

“Thank you.” Lafayette smiled and wiped away the last of his tears.

“We need to clear those.” Jefferson gestured to Lafayette’s chest. He sighed before nodding.

“I am sorry you had to see that, mon ami.”

“I’m sorry you had to do it. Now come on. I’ve got a first aid kit in my room.”

 

Hercules all but stumbled into school the next day. His eyes were shadowed, betraying how little sleep he’d got. Even Josh had noticed it when Hercules had nearly fell asleep in his cereal. Hercules couldn’t stop thinking about Lafayette, about the betrayal that had been painted across his face.

Maybe it was better this way, better that Lafayette was disgusted by what Hercules had become. It would be right after all. Hercules didn’t deserve Lafayette, Lafayette deserved better. He deserved far better than Hercules.

Out of the corner of his eye Hercules spotted Maria staring at him. That was all Hercules saw before he was shoved bodily against the wall. The air in his lungs vanished as an arm pushed itself into his throat, the other hand gripping at his shirt.

“What the _fuck_ did you do?” A voice snarled out. Hercules gasped in air as he tried to make sense of the scene. Jefferson was pinning him to the wall, a look of pure hatred on his face. Behind him, Maria was glancing around nervously.

“Wha-”

“Don’t try to lie.” Jefferson snarled. “What did you say to Lafayette?”

“The truth.” Hercules replied dully. He couldn’t find the emotions to be outraged or upset. He was just numb. Jefferson stared at him in confusion before continuing.

“What was it?”

“That he deserves better than me.” Hercules’ voice was quiet but Maria heard them.

“Tommy, let him go.” Jefferson slowly relaxed his grip and Maria stepped forwards, taking hold of Hercules’ shoulder in a gentle grip. “What’s this about, Herc? What’s it really about?”

“He deserves better than me.” Hercules could feel the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “I- you know what I am Maria. He- he doesn’t need to be burdened with this.”

“That’s not true, darling. He-”

“What doesn’t Lafayette know?” Jefferson butted in, glancing between the two of them.

“What I am.” Hercules replied quietly. He felt too tired to lie. He just wanted to lie down, to sleep and to not wake up.

“And what’s that?” Jefferson took a step back as Hercules all but collapsed down the wall. Maria muttered a curse as Hercules began openly sobbing.

“Come on, darling.” Maria moved to sit next to Hercules, glad there wasn’t anybody around.

“Maria what-” Jefferson broke off, confused. He’d never seen this breakdown from Hercules. Not once had he ever started to cry. He was a rock, the rock of Lafayette’s life even before they became romantically entangled.

“Herc, can I tell him?” Hercules mumbled a negative and Maria sighed. “Tommy ain’t gonna do nothing. Promise. He’s gonna protect you. He protected me.”

“He lets Reynolds-” Hercules bit back the rest of his sentence, staring up at Jefferson.

“He knows about that Herc. He- he knows everything.”

“Everything?”

“Nothin about you. Promise. He knows about me.”

“How can I- how can I trust him?”

“Lafayette trusts me.” Jefferson broke in. “Maria trusts me. I won’t hurt you Hercules. I’ll do everything I can to look after you.”

“But-” Hercules sighed. He didn’t have the energy to fight this anymore. His arm was aching and he was in so much pain. “Tell him.”

Maria nodded, squeezing Hercules’ shoulder gently.

“Reynolds is doing it to him as well Tommy. He’s doing everything.”

“Everything?” Jefferson asked in astonishment. “How? I mean-” Jefferson shook his head. “Does he have something on you?”

“I needed money.” Hercules spoke up, staring at the floor. “My family- we haven’t got a lot of money. We’ve got no money. My mother got sick, real sick. Then- I- I had to do something. My dad’s not in the picture so I had to step up. I didn’t want to. But there was- there was nothing!” Hercules’ voice broke slightly at the last part and Jefferson slowly sank to the floor.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Months.” Hercules choked out. “Months I’ve been his- his-” The words seemed to stick in his throat, refusing to come out.

“Come on darling.” Maria leant her head against his shoulder, letting him rest his head on hers. “It don’t change who you are.”

“It changes everything Mari!”

“Has he sold you out?” Jefferson asked. Hercules nodded after a long moment and Jefferson sighed. “Fuck. Hercules you-”

“There’s not a damn thing I can do, Jefferson. If I stop, my family will be out on the streets. He doesn’t even need to do anything. I- I put my family first. Always.”

“Does your family know?”

“Of course not. They would…” Hercules shuddered slightly and Jefferson sighed.

“Did something go wrong recently?”

“What?”

“You said months. Why did this suddenly get so much worse?”

Hercules didn’t say anything for several long moments. Maria lifted her head up and glanced at Jefferson.

“Tommy’ll help.”

“He-he found out ab-about Laf.”

“What about him?”

“That I’m dating him. He found out and th-threatened me that-” Hercules sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “He gave me a client. A- someone to sleep with.”

“Who was it?”

“Lafayette’s foster father. He- he’s insane! He wants Lafayette back and he won’t stop at an-anything.”

“Why did it…” Jefferson let the sentence trail off, not wanting to continue.

“It was just the final straw. He was- he hit me. He hurt me and-” Hercules whimpered slightly. “He hurt me.” Hercules pulled his arm closer to him. Jefferson noticed the movement.

“Can I see your arm, please?” Hercules glanced at Maria who nodded before he stretched out his arm. Jefferson took it gently, touch feather light as he rolled up the sleeve. “Fuck.” He breathed out at the mess that was Hercules’ arm. “He did this?” Hercules nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Darling.” Maria looped an arm around Hercules before pulling him close.

“I’ve not been hurt before. Not like that. I- I know a lot of yo-you have but I haven’t and I- I didn’t realise what- I was helpless. I looked in his eyes and every time I was helpless. He could have done anything and I- I’m too weak to fight back.”

“So, to get away from him you’ll need money.” Jefferson stated it calmly, despite the rage burning in him. Hercules nodded slightly. “Because you don’t want this to get out. It would be easier after all. If it came out then-”

“No!” Hercules snapped. “I- I can’t let my mother see that. I can’t let my sisters see that. It would ruin our lives. Do you know what-” Hercules stopped himself and shook his head. “I’ll do what it takes to survive but please, don’t make me do that.”

“So you need money.” Jefferson stated again. Hercules nodded shakily. “How much?”

“I- I don’t know. A lot. I’ve been thinking about dropping out but no-one wants to hire me.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I tried. I did. But no-one wanted me. It was on-only Reynolds.”

“I have a trust fund.” Jefferson said it as if it was nothing. Hercules turned to him, the words not making sense. “My grandfather left me everything. He had a, uh, falling out,” Jefferson grinned for a moment, predatory and cruel. “With my first foster family.”

“I’m not a charity case.” Hercules replied, with no strength behind the statement. Jefferson nodded.

“It can be a loan. Give it back when you’re on your feet.”

“Can you even get hold of it yet, Tommy?”

“Angelica becomes eighteen in two month. I can put her into loco parentis and let her pull out money with my express permission.”

“Two months?” Hercules asked, voice breaking as he did.

“I can’t access it while I’m a ward of the state. When Angelica hits eighteen she’ll have money of her own but until then I can’t promise you any help. I’m sorry.” As Jefferson spoke he was thinking, it was something he did a lot after all. He could try to get a job or a paid internship. Washington would support him all the way and there were often things to help for care kids get jobs.

“I- I can cope until then. Th-thank you Thomas.”

“You trusted me. But I do have to ask you to talk to Laf.”

“No.”

“Hercules-”

“It’s better this way!” Hercules snapped. “I- it’s better that he doesn’t know. It-it’s better that he waits until I’m not- I’m not a whore.” His voice broke again and Maria sighed.

“Tell him that you accept him. That you don’t hate him for what he is. Make up an excuse, any excuse to convince him that the breakup wasn’t his fault. That’s my deal Hercules. Take it or leave it.”

“Okay.” Hercules nodded slowly before collapsing back against the wall. “Please don’t tell him though.”

“It’s not my place to say. And, by the way.” Jefferson glanced at Maria before continuing. “Laf prefers them. They told me not to say it publically but you need to know.”

“You mean pro-nouns?” Hercules asked, still bewildered.

“Yes. They think that’s why you ran off. You need to convince Laf that’s not the case.”

“Fuck. Yeah I- I’ll do that.”

“Then we have a deal.” Jefferson stood, extending a hand for Hercules to do the same. “Don’t make me regret it.”

The three walked off in silence, with no more words to say. Behind them they left secrets, tears and a person watching them go with a calculating look in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter titles having meanings? Chapter titles linking to events upcoming in the story and linking them back to the musical? Chapter titles meant to make the reader remember what that exact next line is? Whaaaaat? That sounds like too much forethought for me.)


	20. There's Trouble In The Air, You Can Smell It And Alexander's By Himself...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to whatdoyewant on tumblr who helped beta'd this chapter for me

Burr was minding his own business when his door was all but kicked down. He whipped around to face the door just in time for Alexander to stumble in. Alexander looked exhausted and he was shaking slightly.

“What happened?” Burr asked in amazement. Alexander looked at him and opened his mouth but nothing came out. “Alexander?”

“Do you ever wonder what would happen if you hadn’t been born?” Hamilton asked quietly. Burr frowned before responding.

“Sometimes. Do you?”

“I don’t but- I- I wonder what it would be to die now. Would it hurt?”

“Alexander, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Alexander’s voice was hollow and Burr shifted closer.

“Why are you thinking about death?”

“It’s my mama’s birthday tomorrow. I’ll never celebrate it with her again.”

“I’m very sorry.”

“I wonder if she’d be alive if I was dead. If I had been sick first if I-”

“That’s the path to madness.”

“I can’t stop it. What would have happened if I hadn’t been born? Would James still be alive? Would my dad have left? I- I can’t think- all I can think about is what legacy I’d leave, what legacy I was left.” Burr frowned as he remembered the legacy he had been left, the wonder of his mother, his father, his entire family. He had everything to live up to and so much to prove.

“You’ll create your own legacy, Alexander.”

“I don’t know how to start.”

“Stop thinking about what might have happened, focus on the future, this future, not one that could have happened.”

“My mama would be alive. I-”

“But you wouldn’t be. One life in exchange for another, do you think that’s a fair trade?”

“I- I don’t know. I just- if you knew something, something important would you tell people?”

“It depends on what it would be.”

“If it could help people, if it could- if it could change your legacy.”

“Alexander, what is it?”

“I have a secret.” Alexander whispered. “It could- it-it-” he stopped himself and shook his head. “I can’t-”

“Calm down.” Burr directed Alexander to sit down and sat down next to him. “Breathe. What’s the secret?”

“Not allowed to say.”

“Who said you weren’t?”

“No-one.”

“Then why can’t you?”

“Because of Thomas fucking Jefferson!” Alexander stood and began to pace, looking half insane. “He’s letting them get hurt, Aaron! He’s not doing anything while Herc is being hurt! I don’t fucking understand how he can do that! He’s fucking scum and I hate him!”

“Calm down.”

“You’re no better!” Alexander spat out. “I have a fucking secret that I need to tell and you’d tell me to keep it secret! It could hurt them!”

“What are you talking about?”

“He- Fuck! Jefferson’s a fucking coward. I’m not.” Alexander snarled out. Burr frowned and stood.

“What do you mean by that Alexander?”

“I- I mean-” Alexander took a deep breath and shook his head. “I know what I need to do.”

Before Burr could say anything, Alexander ran out of the room. Burr watched him go in confusion. He stood and paused.

He could follow Alexander, could demand him to explain just what he meant. Burr made no move to stand. He’d known a long time ago that he was a coward.

 

Jefferson looked up as there was a knock on his door. He frowned for a moment, James was at the hospital after something had come up in one of his tests and no-body else bothered to knock in the house. A problem which had caused far too many embarrassing incidents.

He really wished he got to have a lock on the door, but apparently that was ‘against the rules’ and ‘dangerous’ and ‘against the law.’ Jefferson never decided to point out that none of those things had stopped him before.

“Come in.” Jefferson commanded. He was surprised when he saw Burr enter the room. Burr looked almost as surprised which was odd, seeing as it was Jefferson’s room after all. “What can I do for you, Burr?”

“I’m worried about some of the things happening in the house.”

“Well so am I, so you’re going to have to be a bit more specific.”

“With Alexander.”

“Burr, if we sat here talking about what is wrong with Hamilton we’d never leave.”

“I think something is seriously wrong. He came to my room about an hour ago.”

“It’s not like you to pick a side.” Jefferson leant back and frowned. Burr, for all his virtues, had the bad habit of never taking sides, of never saying where he stood. Even when he was passionate about a subject the moment someone asked about it he’d shut down. Jefferson had a few ideas as to why but he’d never bothered voicing them.

“If you talk to him I think you’ll find why.”

“Why do you think me talking to him will help?”

“Because you’re similar.”

“No we’re fucking not!” Jefferson exclaimed. “He’s a self-entitled brat who can’t imagine anything that doesn’t affect him!”

“I meant no offense.”

“What do you think’s wrong?”

“He just came to me muttering about how it would be better if he hadn’t been born. It was- scary, if I’m honest.”

“You think he’s going to try something?” Jefferson’s voice was soft at that. He might hate Alexander but he didn’t hate him that much. He also felt a surge of protectiveness that he tried to squash down. He didn’t need to adopt someone else, he was having enough trouble with Maria and James. And now Hercules. Adding Alexander onto that would be one of the worst ideas he’d had in a while.

He’d had a lot of bad ideas recently.

“No. I don’t think he’d hurt himself. I do think that whatever he knows might make himself reckless that he might hurt himself, or others, by accident.”

“Why did you come to me?”

“Because he said something about you.”

“Really?” Jefferson tried to keep him voice flat.

“He said that you were a coward and that Hercules was in danger because of you.”

“He said what?” Jefferson’ stomach dropped. How the hell did Alexander know about Hercules? Jefferson himself had only found out the previous day. If Alexander knew then that meant Maria or Hercules had said something, which Jefferson thought was impossible or…

Jefferson gritted his teeth. Alexander had been eavesdropping.

“Is it true?” Burr asked tentatively. “The state Alexander was in, I was surprised he could talk. He was worried Jefferson, more worried than I’ve ever seen him. If something is happening then you need to get help.”

“ _If_ ,” Jefferson put emphasis on that word before continuing, “something was happening then I’d be handling it fine on my own.”

“I don’t think that this is a joke Jefferson.”

“Neither do I. I also think that it’s none of your business.” Jefferson watched in almost amusement as Burr frowned. He obviously wanted to say something, to do something but Jefferson knew him, he wouldn’t do anything.

“If you think that’s what’s best.” Burr nodded to Jefferson before leaving. Jefferson frowned.

Alexander had heard them. Jefferson couldn’t know how much he’d heard. It could have been all the conversation or almost none of it. The only way to find out for sure would be to ask the teen but Jefferson couldn’t do that wither, couldn’t betray the trust that both Maria and Hercules had put in him.

“Well this is a problem.” Jefferson stated to the empty room.

He stood and walked to the window, just staring out. It helped, knowing that he was one of thousands in the city, one of billions in the world. In the end, everything he did would be erased, nothing would remain. Every mistake he made would be buried with him. He had no plans to leave a legacy worth anything, he didn’t need to.

Jefferson shook him from the reverie and sighed. He needed to find out how much Alexander knew, and to do that he needed to know how much Maria was willing to tell. Hopefully Jefferson could explain to Alexander the importance of saying nothing using only Maria.

With that thought in mind, Jefferson grabbed his phone and tapped in Maria’s number. He waited for it to pick up. When it did he paused, hearing a whimper down the line.

“Mari?”

“Tommy?” Maria’s voice was thick with tears.

“What’s wrong?” Jefferson was out of his seat, pacing.

“I- I messed up, Tommy.”

“Maria calm down. What’s going on?”

“It’s Herc Tommy. He ain’t- he’s in for hell later. It’s all my fault!”

“Why? What’s going to happen to him?”

“The King.” Maria half whimpered.

“What is that?”

“It’s George Frederick again. He ain’t never hired me, but he’s why Herc broke down last time. He ain’t a good guy Tommy.”

“Why do you think it’s your fault?”

“I- I messed up. I was the one that told Reynolds Herc was dating Laf. He ain’t a fan of us having friends let alone relationships.”

“He seemed okay with ours.” Jefferson all but spat out. He remembered that time, when he was cornered in a cupboard just to prove they were real, to make sure Maria wouldn’t be hurt even more that night.

“That weren’t real and you know it. He- he ain’t a good man Tommy, and he’s gonna hurt Herc real bad. It’s getting worse anyway. Herc’s just- he’s just empty Tommy. He needs it, but this ain’t worth it. He’s in agony and just for a bit of money. King’s gonna hurt him again until Herc breaks it off with Laf. I-”

“It’s going to be okay Maria. It’s two months and then he’s out of there. We pay off his debt, and he gets a job to support himself and his family. His mother will be back and-”

“It ain’t gonna stop his memories, Tommy. The first time I saw him I should’ve got him out. He didn’t deserve this.”

“Neither did you Maria.”

“I am what I am. He ain’t.”

“You’re more than this Maria. Hercules is more than this. He’ll get through this. I’ll make sure he does.”

“This is a lifetime thing Tommy.”

“I know.” Jefferson replied evenly. “Have I lied to you yet?”

“No.”

“And I won’t.”

“Thank you Tommy.” Maria’s voice was soft. “You don’t- you can’t imagine how much I wanna thank you.”

“I know Maria.” Jefferson closed his eyes. “I know.” As he sat there he realised he couldn’t ask Maria how much she was willing to impart. He was her rock, and he could never be anything else. “I’ve got to go Maria. If anything goes wrong call me. I’ll be here.”

“I know Tommy. Thanks.”

Jefferson hung up and pressed the base of his hands into his eyes. This was all going south far too quickly. He wished sometimes that he didn’t care, that he could walk past situations like this. Sometimes he wished he didn’t see so much, that he could not spot situations like this. Most of the time he just wished these situations didn’t exist.

That wasn’t possible.

Jefferson slowly stood up, stretching. This had gone horribly wrong. Then again, when did that not happen?

He opened his door and walked down the hallway before knocking on Alexander’s door. The door opened after several long moments and Alexander stared at him before going to shut it. Jefferson pushed against the door and forced it open.

“I just want to talk.” Jefferson said evenly.

“Fuck off.” Jefferson sighed and forced the door open. Alexander stumbled backwards as Jefferson walked into the room. “What the hell do you want?”

“A conversation.”

“Why the hell would you want to talk to me? Ever since I’ve got here you’ve wanted nothing to do with me! You don’t care about me! You don’t even know-”

“I know you stole James’ medication.” Jefferson’s words silenced Alexander for a long moment.

“H-how did you know?”

“Angelica. And because Burr just came and told me you were going to kill yourself.”

“He’s making it up.” Alexander snarled.

“No, he’s not. We both know Burr isn’t capable of making something up.”

“Maybe you should give him more credit.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t eavesdrop on private conversations.”

“What-”

“You were listening when I was talking to Maria and Hercules, weren’t you?”

For once, Alexander’s face was expressionless, telling Jefferson all he needed to know. Jefferson snarled and pushed Alexander against the wall. Alexander squeaked in surprise and instantly started to struggle. Jefferson just wrapped a hand around his collar which began to cut off his air supply.

“You had no _fucking_ right to listen in.”

“They’re being hurt!” Alexander managed to get out. “They-”

“You can’t do a goddamn thing to help them!”

“I could explain! I could tell people! I’ll write their way out, write everything down, far as I see.”

“Wait-”

“I’ll overwhelm them with honesty! This is the only way to protect them!”

“Damn it, Alexander! Don’t you dare!” Jefferson yelled. Alexander glared at him, fury in his eyes.

“Why not?”

“Because there are consequences to betraying their trust!”

“Which I’m willing to pay.”

“Really? Now? When these people think of you as family?”

“I’m not your fucking family!”

“And you’re not mine either.” Jefferson hissed as he leant closer. He released Alexander after a moment and took a step back. “If you tell anyone there’ll be repercussions. Everyone here will hate you. Is that what you want?” Jefferson didn’t wait for the answer, didn’t spot Alexander watching him go in confusion.

“Then just tell me!” Alexander shouted. “Explain it to me!”

“Why the fuck should I?”

“Because I can help! I get that you hate me, but Herc trusts me! Laf trusts me! I can help! I- I have do something! Please.” Alexander’s voice shook gently and he bit down on his lip hard. Jefferson stared at Alexander for a long moment, thinking.

“Swear you’ll keep this a secret?”

“I promise.”

“You promise that no matter what happens, no matter what happens to _me_ , you’ll protect them?”

“Wha-”

“Promise?” Jefferson snarled. Alexander stared at him and frowned before he slowly nodded.

“Yeah okay. I promise.”

Jefferson continued to stare for a moment, thinking, before he nodded.

“Fine. Where do you want me to start?”

 

 

When Jefferson was gone, Alexander sat down at his desk. Jefferson’s words tumbled over and over in his head as he thought. The one that stuck out was his question, did Alexander want everyone to hate him? Did Alexander want to abandon this family he was slowly becoming a part of? Did he want to be alone?

Alexander picked up his pen.

“Yes.” Alexander whispered quietly, half to himself and half to Jefferson. If he was alone he couldn't hurt them anymore.

**The charge of which I must write of is a connection with one James Reynolds for purposes of improper conduct. The real crime is his amorous connection with his foster child for a considerable time without her consent.**

Alexander stared at the words for a long time before he sighed. He walked to his desk and picked up the bottle with the yellow pills inside. They were a way out, his bag was a way out but this letter, this pamphlet was the best way out.

No-one would want him after this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See y'all on Wednesday!


	21. The Reynolds Pamphlet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll let him tell it.

**The charge which I must write of is a connection with one James Reynolds for purposes of improper conduct. The real crime is his amorous connection with his foster child for a considerable time without her consent.**

**It has recently come to my attention that both Maria Lewis and Hercules Mulligan have been put under extreme duress. Both of them are close friends of mine and good people. However, for months they have both been hurt by the same man; a Mr James Reynolds.**

**James Reynolds has taught at this school for several years. This cannot continue. Every day he remains in this school he is putting more students in danger.**

**Maria Lewis met James Reynolds on her first day at this school many months ago. At the time, Maria Lewis was living in a foster family. On their first time of meeting, James Reynolds had sex with her. Within a few weeks, James Reynolds adopted her and frequently abused her, both physically and sexually. Maria Lewis was also subjected to, on several occasions, having forced sex with third parties. James Reynolds managed this by use of blackmail and the fact that he was still her guardian and therefore had control over most parts of her life.**

**One such case of this was when Maria Lewis was forced to sleep with Thomas Jefferson. James Reynolds wanted this so that Thomas Jefferson would no longer suspect anything. Maria Lewis refused at first, however James Reynolds withheld food for several days. When that did not work, he beat her and continued to assault her, leaving visible wounds, until she finally agreed.**

**At that time, Maria Lewis did not have sex with Thomas Jefferson. Instead Thomas Jefferson saw the injuries and Maria Lewis explained what she had gone through. From that moment forwards Thomas Jefferson knew what was going on behind the closed doors of the Reynold’s household and he did nothing to help.**

**I cannot imagine why he felt the need to keep that information to himself. Maybe there was some sort of blackmail associated with him, but I have not found any indication of anything that could be used against him. While discounting his previous criminal charges, Thomas Jefferson seems to be clean.**

**A month after Maria spoke to Jefferson, James Reynolds hospitalised her by pushing her down some stairs when she refused to sleep with him. She broke three of her ribs and cracked several more. During the time it took to heal, James Reynolds did not touch her, most likely out of fear that she would be hurt more and would eventually report him.**

**While this did grant a reprieve for Maria Lewis, it did the opposite for Hercules Mulligan.**

**Hercules Mulligan had been under financial pressure following his mother falling ill. As Hercules Mulligan does not have a support system of extended family, he was forced to take control of the household funds on his own, attempting to support his four siblings as well as his mother.**

**Hercules Mulligan mostly managed this by getting small jobs from neighbours and passing off some of the responsibilities of his siblings to friends and other people, allowing his siblings to eat at friend’s houses. When this no longer worked, he became increasingly stressed until it was noted by several teachers.**

**This was when James Reynolds approached Hercules Mulligan.**

**James Reynolds then persuaded Hercules Mulligan to sleep with him. Afterwards he gave Hercules Mulligan the money he needed to support his family.**

**As the months continued James Reynolds became more ruthless, using both students as his personal prostitutes and he their pimp. While neither of them wished that, James Reynolds did not allow them to refuse.**

**James Reynolds would often use one against the other, threatening to hurt Maria Lewis to motivate Hercules Mulligan or refusing money to Hercules Mulligan unless Maria Lewis did what he ordered.**

**I have managed to gain a number of names of the people Maria Lewis and Hercules Mulligan were forced to sleep with, which I shall include as a separate document. I have compiled thirty-seven names I am sure of, and I am sure there are plenty more.**

**As this toxic situation continued, Hercules Mulligan started to suffer from stress, and it became obvious to some of his friends that something was wrong.**

**Hercules Mulligan’s date mate, Lafayette, became very worried for their boyfriend as Hercules Mulligan continued to deteriorate. While Hercules Mulligan refused to admit that anything was wrong, Lafayette knew that something was. They tried to use their friendship with Thomas Jefferson to better understand Hercules Mulligan’s predicament, but once more, Thomas Jefferson did not try to help.**

**John Laurens, my own boyfriend, became increasingly worried for the safety of Hercules Mulligan, as he began to gain bruises from what must have been James Reynold’s hands or the transactions the man completed. Hercules Mulligan kept his secrets, even as James Reynolds’ business deals began to encroach further and further into his own life. Hercules Mulligan had to quit his job a month ago because of the time James Reynolds was demanding of him.**

**While James Reynolds demanded more services that Hercules Mulligan could never truly refuse, even when he was becoming more injured, Maria Lewis, suffering similarly, often tried to avoid her problems by communicating with Eliza Schuyler, and the two began to form a relationship. It is uncertain if Maria Lewis did this out of a wish to be romantically involved with Eliza Schuyler or if it was merely a way for her to rebel against the man who controlled her life.**

**While they were in the relationship, Maria Lewis never once mentioned what James Reynolds was doing to her.**

**Their relationship came to an end when James Reynolds found out and threatened to contact Eliza Schuyler’s father, Phillip Schuyler, and allow him to have sex with either Hercules Mulligan or Maria Lewis. This was an effective threat for Maria Lewis, probably helped by the fact that Eliza’s youngest sister, Peggy Schuyler, still lives with her father.**

**While this was an effective threat for Maria Lewis, it was not an effective one for Hercules Mulligan.**

**James Reynolds found out about Hercules Mulligan and Lafayette’s relationship about a week before the writing of this. He then got into contact with Lafayette’s previous foster father, a man by the name of George Frederick.**

**After levying the threat against Hercules Mulligan and finding no suitable response, James Reynolds sold him to George Frederick.**

**Shortly after this, Hercules Mulligan began to deteriorate even more.**

**After being forced to sleep with George Frederick, Hercules Mulligan seemed to reject Lafayette’s gender identity and breakdown. Luckily Maria Lewis was there with Thomas Jefferson where Hercules Mulligan finally explained what had been going on.**

**Tomas Jefferson is still compiling a list of ideas of how to address this problem, seeming to not understand the importance of speed in this matter.**

**In writing this, I hope that I can allow any blackmail material to lose all potency. Hercules Mulligan and Maria Lewis have been victims of a number of crimes, most caused by James Reynolds. James Reynolds does not deserve to remain in this school and instead should rot in prison. While Hercules Mulligan and Maria Lewis have not come forwards about their ordeals, I hope that when they are no longer attempting to hide what they have been subjected to, they will be able to go to the police.**

**In case this does not happen, I have already forwarded this to the police, complete with recordings I made of Maria Lewis and Hercules Mulligan admitting what had been done to them.**

**I will not stop until James Reynolds is removed from this school and has faced charges in a criminal court. He is a rapist, a pimp, and a shit teacher. He has manipulated people under his care and abused his position of authority to his own personal gain. He deserves the harshest sentence our justice system can give.**

**-Alexander Hamilton**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... who are you now most worried about?


	22. The 'Let All The Animals Out Of The Zoo' Kind Of Stupid, Truly You Didn't Think This Through, Kind Of Stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, most people were worried about Alexander. (I'm taking R.I.P Alex to mean they're worried.) Then it was Herc, Laf and John. Poor Peggy didn't get that many people worried about her...

Angelica woke to muffled cries. She was up in a moment and racing across the room to see Eliza curled into herself. Angelica dropped to her knees and carefully pulled her younger sister into her arms.

“Come on Liza, it’s okay. I’m here.” Angelica cooed out softly, gently shaking Eliza as she did. “It’s just a dream. Come on back to me now. You don’t need to be worried. It’s just a dream. You’re okay. I promise.” Angelica let out a sigh of relief as Eliza’s eyes opened slowly. They immediately fixed on Angelica.

“Angie?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” Angelica nodded with a smile plastered onto her face. Eliza hesitated for a moment before launching herself towards her sister, engulfing her in a hug. “Bad dream?” Angelica asked from Eliza’s messy hair. Eliza nodded in response. “What was it about?”

“It was- it was Peggy.”

“She’s okay Liza. She can cope. You know that.”

“I-” Eliza sniffled gently before burrowing deeper into her sister’s arms. “I dreamt that our dad was- was hurting her.”

“He wouldn’t do it Liza. He only ever hit me.”

“He hit me.”

“He never hit Peggy. And even if he did then Peggy would leave. She- she doesn’t take anybody’s shit, remember?”

“She let him hit you for years.”

“Pegs didn’t know. I didn’t tell her. But she’ll be okay Liza. I swear.”

“Sorry. I-” Eliza sat back, scrubbing her eyes as she did. “I shouldn’t have woken you up.”

“It’s fine. I should be getting up anyway. We need to get ready soon.”

“She’s okay, right?”

“Of course, she is. If anything happens to her then she’d come back to us. You know Pegs. She can be stubborn, but she’s smart. Why are you so worried?”

“I- I don’t know.” Eliza frowned. “It just felt so real.”

“It won’t happen. I won’t let it happen. Pegs could go to the other side of the world, and I’d still be there if she needed me. You too, Liza. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

That, at least, brought a smile to Eliza’s face. Angelica smiled back and stood to grab her clothes. The two got changed in silence before venturing downstairs. The kitchen was deserted, everyone else was still asleep.

“What do you want?” Eliza asked, glancing over the foods in front of her. Angelica shrugged.

“Don’t mind.”

“I’ll make pancakes.” Eliza decided out loud. Angelica smiled softly as Eliza began to bustle around the kitchen. Cooking calmed her down in some weird way. Angelica had never really liked cooking, always finding it too stressful, but Eliza was in her element in the kitchen.

By the time the pancakes were cooked, most of the other inhabitants of the house had come down. Lafayette was talking animatedly in French to Jefferson, who looked like he was only half listening, not even pushing Lafayette to speak English. That caught Angelica’s eye, and she stared at the pair for a long moment.

Jefferson was staring down at his phone, interjecting into Lafayette’s almost monologue only when he needed to. Jefferson looked up suddenly and locked eyes with Angelica. Angelica held the gaze for a second before looking away. When she looked back, Jefferson was deep in conversation with Lafayette, still speaking in French.

Burr was the next one to come down. He nodded to Angelica, and she offered a good morning. In response, he merely shook his head before pointing to his throat. Angelica winced but nodded, pronouncing to the rest of the group that Burr couldn’t talk. They barely noticed it, continuing with what they were doing.

James and Washington came down together. James was in his wheelchair, and his hands were shaking. Immediately, Jefferson and Lafayette’s conversation was over, and Jefferson was beside James.

“You okay?” Jefferson asked softly. James nodded in response.

“Tired is all.”

“You don’t have to come in today.” Jefferson lowered his voice slightly. “It’s not gonna be important today.”

“What?” James asked. Jefferson opened his mouth before noticing Angelica was still watching. He closed his mouth, paused and then responded.

“None of your lessons are more important than your health. Anyway, you’ve said it’s boring before. What’s the fault in giving yourself a little slack?”

“Because then it won’t stop.” James half berated Jefferson before pushing himself towards the table. “Are any of those for me, Eliza?”

“Yeah, Jefferson grab some for him.”

“Honestly!” Jefferson exclaimed, sitting back down. “It’s as if you think I’m some kind of slave to him! Who brings me my pancakes? This is just not fair.”

“Stop being a dick, Jefferson.” Angelica sniped back. Jefferson smirked at that.

“When I’m around you, what else am I meant to be?”

“Oh my god. I will bring you your pancakes if you stop talking.” James exclaimed. Jefferson smiled at him before batting him away and grabbing the two plates on his own.

“I said it wasn’t fair. Never said I wouldn’t do it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” James grumbled, wondering once more why Jefferson had decided to befriend him. “I’m still going to school.”

As the conversation devolved into a half argument, Angelica couldn’t shake the idea that something was missing.

It took until the plates were tidied away and half the people had gone to prepare themselves for school that she realised what was wrong.

“Where’s Alexander?” She asked the half empty room. Jefferson glanced at her before glancing at Lafayette. Lafayette frowned before looking around.

“You do realise that it doesn’t matter how many times you look, he isn’t going to appear. He’s short but not that short.”

“Shut up, Jefferson.”

“I am _just_ trying to help. And no, I have no idea where he is. Call him.”

“Yeah. I think I will.” Angelica stood and took her phone out of her pocket. She clicked on Alexander’s contact details and heard it ring.

“Angelica?” Alexander sounded quiet and Angelica frowned.

“Are you outside?”

“Yeah. I uh- I couldn’t sleep, so I went to the library.”

“The library?” Angelica said, not believing a word of it. Alexander just hummed in response. “Isn’t it freezing out there?”

“It’s not too bad actually.”

“I can hear you shivering. What’s going on, Alexander?”

“I’ve gotta go Angelica. I- it’ll make sense, okay?”

“Alex-” Angelica broke off as she heard Alexander hang up. “What the-” she muttered to herself as she called him again.

This time, he didn’t even pick up, letting it ring out. Angelica stared down at the phone, frowning. Alexander wasn’t always the best at keeping his phone on, but he didn’t hang up unless he was in trouble.

Angelica felt the dread that had woken her that morning come back to life in her stomach. Something was wrong, and Alexander wasn’t telling her.

 

Angelica was the first to step off the bus at school, and the dread that had been filling her was suddenly realised in some way. The driveway into the school was littered with pieces of paper, some wet and some trod into the ground but some still almost pristine.

Everywhere Angelica looked, she could see more of the pieces of paper being picked up by students. Their faces told her more than enough. She rushed forwards and grabbed one from the floor. Behind her she heard the other teens doing the same. For a long moment, they said nothing, just staring.

“Fucking shit.”

Angelica whirled around at that to see Burr staring back at her.

“Burr-”

“Read it.” Burr pushed it towards her, and she slowly took it.

“Oh my God.” Eliza choked out, staring at what must be a copy of the paper. “I-”

“What the fuck is this?” Angelica asked, fighting to keep her voice level. Burr just shrugged.

“Tringler!” Lafayette cursed. “Pourquoi ne me le dirait-il pas? Je ne lui aurais jamais fait de mal! Non.” Lafayette nearly whispered that as he read just what Hercules had done to himself. “Je vais le tuer! Comment ose-t-il faire cela à Hercules? Hercules est-”

“Calm down, Laf.” Jefferson was beside Lafayette in a second, placing a hand on each shoulder. “Look at me now.” Lafayette was still staring at the paper, which Jefferson ripped out of his hand. Angelica jumped at the sudden, violent movement. “This is not your fault.”

“J'aurais dû le voir! Comment ne pourais-je pas?”

“Because he didn’t tell you, okay?”

“How the hell are you okay with this?” James asked, turning on Jefferson. Jefferson blinked for a moment, surprised at the harshness in his tone.

“Because-”

“Because he knew.” Eliza’s voice was soft but it carried through the small group. “Look.”

Angelica stepped forwards and took the piece of paper out of Eliza’s hands before reading it aloud.

“Maria Lewis was also subjected to, on several occasions, having forced sex with third parties. James Reynolds managed this by use of blackmail. One such case of this was when Maria Lewis was forced to sleep with Thomas Jefferson.” Angelica broke off at that, staring at Jefferson in horror. “How-”

“I didn’t. If that’s what you’re about to ask.” Jefferson spat back. “I didn’t sleep with her. I- does it say that?” He sounded almost tired by the end of that sentence and Angelica slowly turned back to the paper in her hands.

“It- it says you knew and you just did nothing.”

 “I did nothing because there was nothing I could do.” Jefferson spat out as Angelica paused. “Just finish the fucking thing.”

“While discounting his previous criminal charges, Thomas Jefferson seems to be clean.” Eliza half muttered to herself. She glanced at Jefferson and he felt shame sink into his stomach at the fear in her face.

“Of course, Hamilton would use the fucking criminal charge in this.” Jefferson’s mouth curled into a snarl as he spoke. “I knew. Until I see Maria, I’m not saying how much.”

“I must find Hercules!” Lafayette shouted out before glancing around in fear. “I- Je dois m'assurer qu'il va bien!”

As they stood there the bell rang out, making Angelica jump again. James and Burr stared at her.

“What should we do?” Burr asked. Angelica sighed and shook her head.

“Go to class. Don’t say anything about this to anyone. Laf, try to find Herc, but if you can’t then get to class. Everyone, try to get in contact with Herc and Maria. They- they’re going to need to know about this. Try to stop people from reading it and-”

“That’s not going to work.” Jefferson drawled out. Angelica whirled on him, and he shrugged. “Haven’t you ever seen somebody ruin their own life? Hamilton, Hercules, and Maria are now the hot topic of the school. As am I, I guess. Alexander Hamilton knew of a torrid affair, and he wrote it down.” Jefferson gestured across the floor which was still scattered with paper. “Right there. The moment this story broke, we were already playing clean up. There’s nothing we can do.”

“Rumours only grow.” Burr muttered. “And now they all know what he knows.”

“It’s the only thing we can do.” Angelica spat back. Burr stared at her for a moment before nodding and looking away.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to my father’s house.” Angelica’s voice was quiet but hard. It travelled through the group and Eliza stared at her sister.

“I’m coming as well.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else. Come on.” With that Angelica turned and strode from the school. Eliza rushed after her.

 

“Do you think he’d do it?” Eliza whispered as they rounded the corner. Angelica paused, glancing back.

“Do what?”

“Do that to Maria. I-”

“I don’t know. I don’t care. Pegs is getting out now.” With that Angelica took off at a run, racing up the driveway and banging on the door.

“Peggy!” Angelica shouted. “PEGGY!” Angelica slammed on the door as she shouted. Eliza pulled out her phone and dialled in Peggy’s number. It hadn’t worked before, but it might this time.

“Went to voicemail.” Eliza whispered. Angelica nodded before slamming on the door again.

“OPEN THE DOOR! I SWEAR-” Angelica broke off as the door swung open. In the doorway stood her father, towering above her. Angelica had to take a sharp breath in, to calm herself.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Her father snapped out. Angelica set her face and scowled up at him.

“Where’s Peggy?”

“She felt sick so she’s staying home today. Why-” Before he could say anything else Angelica was pushing past him, into the house.

“Peggy!” She yelled into the corridor. “PEGGY!”

“Hey!” Her father snapped, grabbing for her. Angelica jumped backwards, heart leaping into her mouth.

“Do-don’t touch me!” She spat out. Her father glared down at her and grabbed for her again. This time Angelica was a bit slower, and he caught hold of her arm. Angelica yelped and pulled away, but he was stronger.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I-” Any words Angelica was about to say vanished as she saw the anger in her father’s eyes. She was about to be hit. She saw a movement out of the corner of her eyes, and without even thinking she pulled her free arm over her head.

“Get off her!” Eliza said. Her voice was weak but she stood strong. “Don’t you dare hurt her!”

“Liza-” Angelica half whimpered out. Eliza nodded at her before taking a step forwards.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Elizabeth!”

“Yeah dad. Yeah, I do. Let go of Angelica now.” Eliza stared at her father evenly. “Let her go because the moment we leave here, we’re going to the police station.”

“I’ll pay them off again.” The man sneered. “You can’t scare me with that.”

“We have more evidence now.” Eliza’s tone didn’t waver. Angelica stared at her, barely able to see her. Everything was focused on the hand that was still wrapped around her wrist. “You can’t hurt us anymore.”

“Really?” The man snarled out. Before Eliza could do anything, he threw Angelica to the ground. She landed hard and immediately curled into herself, just in time to avoid the kick he aimed at her head.

“Stop!” The voice echoed around the hall, and for a second the man did stop. Eliza glanced to the end of the hall to see Peggy standing there, looking horrified. “Wha-”

“Peggy!” Eliza shouted, running forwards. She threw herself at Peggy, arms enveloping her. Peggy just stood there, staring at Angelica still curled into a ball. “You’re alright.” Eliza whispered.

“What the fuck is going on?” Peggy snapped out, not able to take her eyes off Angelica.

“Go to your room, Peggy.” The man ordered, not even looking at his younger daughters, just staring at Angelica in disgust and thinly veiled hatred.

“No!” Peggy cried out. “What are you doing? Get off her!” Peggy stormed forwards, but Eliza grabbed her first.

“Don’t, Pegs.”

“He’s hurting Angelica! You-” Peggy stared at him for a long moment, emotions crossing her face too quickly to understand. “What’s going on?”

“The same thing that always happened.” Eliza said quietly. “You never wanted to know. Angelica never wanted to tell you.”

“No-”

“When we left this house, Angelica’s arm was broken!” Eliza snapped out. “She had to go to the hospital! Her ribs were cracked! She had nightmares for weeks! Didn’t you ever wonder why we have an inheritance? It’s because he paid us off!”

“Is it true?” Peggy asked, staring at her father. The man shook his head.

“They’re lying Pegs. They-”

“Don’t call me that. You-” Peggy took a deep breath before shaking her head. “Angelica-” Angelica looked up slowly. Peggy raised her hand, and Angelica slowly stood, shying away from her father. “Is it true, Angie?”

“Yes. I- I’m sorry.” Angelica’s voice was thick with tears. “I-”

“I’m leaving.” Peggy stared at her father as she spoke. “I- You’re not the person I thought you were.”

“You are still my daughter, and you cannot just run off!”

“Yes, she can.” Eliza butted in. “We know what you did with Reynolds and- and Maria! You’re-” Eliza shook her head in anger. “You can pay off the jury, but no-one will let you forget this.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You can’t lie anymore! Maria had- Maria deserved none of this! None of us did!”

“Then leave! See if I care!”

Eliza glared at him for a moment longer before linking hands with her two sisters and striding from the house. As they left, they heard sirens wailing in the distance. Peggy stared around in confusion.

“What- what did dad do to Maria?”

“Don’t-” Angelica started but was cut off almost immediately by Eliza.

“Stop lying! That’s what got us into this mess, remember?” Angelica nodded slowly, and Eliza turned to Peggy. “A pamphlet has been published. It’s- it’s not good. Mr Reynolds has been raping Herc and Maria. He- he sold them off, and when he found out I was dating Maria, he threatened her.”

“Why?”

“He thought I’d work it out, I guess. But he tried to get our father involved. I-” Eliza sighed. “I- I never thought he’d do something like that but- I don’t know.”

“Reynolds made Maria sleep with our dad?” Peggy asked, horrified. Eliza nodded.

“I didn’t read most of the pamphlet, but I think so.”

“Fuck.” Peggy whispered out. “Wh-what’s happening to Maria now?”

“I don’t know. She- she’ll probably be coming to Yorktown. It’s going to be messy, Pegs, but Maria’s safe now.”

“This is why she split up with you, isn’t it?”

“Probably. I need to talk to her, but we just need to go home now.”

“Is- is Angie okay?” Peggy whispered. Eliza turned to Angelica and sighed. Angelica was blank eyed and shivering slightly.

“Hey Angie.” Eliza carefully put one of her hands on Angelica’s shoulder. Angelica’s eyes snapped to her, and her breathing increased. “Hey it’s okay. He’s not here. I am. And Pegs.”

“Yeah o-okay.” Angelica stared at Eliza and smiled shakily. Eliza smiled and pulled her into a tight hug. After several long moments, Peggy joined, holding both of her sisters tight as if they’d never been separated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the reason Peggy didn't have anyone worried about her is because no matter how fucked up this series feels at times, I draw the line at incest. It's great I have a line I simply will not write about but I feel like it should be further back.


	23. You Have Ruined Our Lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where we need all those R.I.P. Alexs  
> Also I'm sorry if I don't manage to answer all the comments that are left. I read them all and adore them all but because of this update schedule I have one day typically to respond until the next chapter is up at which point I just feel awkward replying to. So just... thank you so much for the comments. They're being read and loved I just don't always respond because I'm a bad author... If you ask a direct question I'm very likely to answer it quickly so if you have any questions... shoot. (your pistol at the sky?)

That day, Hercules was late for school. Jed had wet the bed again, and then Hercules had almost fallen asleep at the breakfast table. Hercules’ walk to school was both rushed and worried, wondering what was wrong with Jed and how he’d possibly raise enough money to see a doctor.

Hercules had an idea, but he didn’t want to think about it.

When he got to school, he noticed pieces of paper scattered across the floor but didn’t spare them a glance as he hurried into the building. The halls were empty, apart from paper scattered across the floor. He glanced at them in confusion before ignoring them once more.

His first class was with Reynolds and he crashed into the classroom and rushed to his seat.

As soon as he was inside, the room fell silent. Hercules glanced up and saw every eye on him.

“Sorry, I got caught up.” Hercules muttered, looking at the teacher only to find that it wasn’t Reynolds. Instead, Benjamin Franklin was staring at him, with a mix of horror and pity. Hercules shifted slightly, glancing around the class again to see the same expression on every face.

“Mr Mulligan-” Franklin started before breaking off. Hercules glanced around the room again, wishing that someone would say something. He turned behind him and paused as he noticed Maria’s empty seat.

“Where’s Maria?” He asked the class at large. No-one said anything, Franklin just sighing. “What’s going on?” Hercules stood and that was when one of the girls in the class spoke up.

“We know.”

“What do you mean?” Hercules spat out. They couldn’t know about Maria, there was just no way. But as he looked around the class he felt his stomach drop, and he felt sick. “Wh-what’s going on?”

“Mr Mulligan,” Franklin seemed to have broken out of his stunned silence. “Come outside with me.”

“Why?” Hercules asked, glancing around the class. He couldn’t seem to stop doing that, glancing over each student and seeing the same expression on every face.

“Come with me.” Franklin ordered, stepping forwards. Hercules stared at him for a long moment before grabbing his bag again and walking out of the room. As soon as they were in the corridor he could hear the class behind him exploding into noise.

“What’s happening?” Hercules asked, fighting to keep his voice level. Franklin sighed deeply, looking so much older for a second.

“Hercules, has Mr Reynolds been taking advantage of you?”

“What?” Hercules choked out. “I- I don’t-”

“There has been a- a pamphlet posted. Someone- I don’t know who- spread it across the school.” Franklin gestured to the corridor and the papers scattered across it. Hercules frowned and picked one of them up.

“What the fuck?” Hercules choked out, staring at the piece of paper numbly.

“Alexander Hamilton wrote about what has happened. He- he has evidence which he has handed to the police. Mr Reynolds has been suspended pending investigation and is currently in police custody. Maria Re- Lewis is waiting in the principal’s office which is where we need to go now.”

“Alexander wrote this?” Hercules asked numbly, watching as the pamphlet ripped apart what had been his life for the last few months. “Why?”

“He says he wanted to remove any blackmail material. He will also be suspended for a while until we work out what we should do. This is-” Franklin sighed. “We’re not sure how we can deal with this right now. But we do need to go to the principal’s office.”

Hercules nodded, barely listening. He grabbed one of the other pages and found more and more of his secrets ripped apart and revealed to the world. He followed Franklin numbly until they were at the Principal’s office. Hercules collapsed into one of the seats outside, and suddenly Maria was there.

Her makeup was streaked down her face, and her eyes were red. She was clutching a number of papers to her chest, and her breathing was erratic.

“You- you seen it?” She asked. Hercules nodded, staring at the papers.

“He wrote everything.” Hercules was numb, couldn’t summon the energy to be angry. He just felt empty. Everything that he’d worked for was gone, everything he’d fought to keep hidden was in the open now. “My family-”

“They’re not gonna be mad.”

“You don’t get it. I- Reynolds-” Hercules broke off, ducking his head. He felt tears coming to his eyes and let out a whine. “He beat me. He won.”

“This ain’t a game of chess, Herc. This is life. We- we’re free now.”

“No! We’re not fucking free!” Hercules snapped. Maria winced, and Hercules cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry, Mari. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“Reynolds can’t hurt you anymore at least.”

“This has- this has ruined my life Mari. My mom’s gonna see this and-” Hercules trailed off, shaking his head. “You know the worst bit? I can’t even get the money anymore.”

“It was never worth it, and you know it.” Maria responded, an edge to her voice now. “You should never have been used like that. You’re better than that.”

“So are you.”

“I was a whore before Reynolds, and I’ll be one after. You-”

“No!” Hercules exclaimed. “You’re- you’re not a goddamn whore, Mari! You’re kind, and you’re smart, and you’re so fucking kind.”

“You said that one already.”

“I know, but you are. You- you deserved so much more than the shitty hand life gave you.” Hercules brought Maria into a hug as he spoke. She curled into him, and he sighed as he realised how fragile she was, how small.

They were silent for a long time after that until the door to the office swung open to reveal Lafayette, John, and Alexander.

Hercules didn’t even notice Lafayette’s tear streaked face or how John was shaking so badly. All he saw was Alexander, Alexander who was looking straight at Hercules as if he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Hercules wasn’t sure what happened next. He saw red, and then he felt red as blood exploded. Someone was screaming insults, and other people were shouting in fear and in pain, and then someone was holding him back, was pulling him backwards.

The next thing he knew, Lafayette and John were holding onto his arms, and Alexander was on the floor in front of him, blood spilling from his nose. Hercules stared at him for a second before beginning to fight against the two people holding him. Alexander fucking deserved to hurt, deserved to be bleed.

“You bastard!” Hercules yelled out. “I hate you! How dare you do this? I thought you were my friend! I _trusted_ you!”

“You didn’t trust anyone.” Alexander spat out. Hercules roared and John loosened his grip for a moment, shocked by the words Alexander had just said. Hercules used the opportunity to break free and deliver a harsh kick to Alexander’s face, followed swiftly by one to his ribs and then one more to his chest.

“Herc, stop!” Maria shouted. Hercules paused and turned to her. She was crying again, tears streaking down her face, and instantly his heart broke all over again. He rushed forwards and pulled her close.

“It’s okay Mari. It’s okay.”

“Don’t hurt him please! Please!” Maria sobbed out, and Hercules nodded.

“I’m not gonna hurt him. It’s alight. It’s okay.” Hercules was so busy trying to calm Maria, he didn’t notice Alexander standing up with no help from John or Lafayette. The two were just staring at Alexander in a mix of confusion and anger. They didn’t understand how their friend could betray them like this, could just reveal all of the secrets Hercules had kept so close to him.

“What the hell is going on in here?” A new voice asked in horror. Hercules glanced up to see the principal staring at the scene in front of him. Alexander stared back at him, face blank and as nobody else said anything the principal just sighed. “Lewis, Mulligan, my office. Hamilton, I’ve called Mr Washington, and he should be here soon.”

Hercules didn’t even spare a glance back to his friends as he ushered Maria into the office. Lafayette watched them go, watching his crush wrapped around a girl he’d trusted with so much more than Lafayette.

 

Hercules sat in one of the two seats facing the principal, Maria taking the other one. The man stared at them both for a long moment before sighing.

“I presume you are aware of the allegations Hamilton has levied against Mr Reynolds?”

“Yes.” Hercules replied, not being able to meet the man’s eyes.

“Do you have anything to comment on them?”

There was silence for a long moment as Hercules glanced at Maria. She looked exhausted. She was huddled in on herself slightly and refused to meet Hercules’ eyes.

“What happens if we do?” Hercules asked.

“The police want to talk to you. If any of that pamphlet was true then-then Mr Reynolds will be in prison for a long time. You will be asked to give statements. There will be a trial and Mr Reynolds will be kept away from you for the duration. Maria, you will be taken into care. Mr Washington has already offered a place at Yorktown. Hercules,” the man paused again, choosing his words carefully. “CPS has called me asking for an investigation of your living situation.”

“What? It’s fine!” Hercules spat out. The principal sighed.

“We’re not here to hurt you. We’re here to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Herc-” Maria whispered, reaching out a hand to him.

“No! This is bullshit.” Hercules spat out. “I’m leaving.”

“Hercules-” the principal started but Hercules was out of the door before he’d finished speaking. Lafayette was stood there and Hercules paused. Lafayette opened his mouth before closing it.

“I’m so sorry Laf.” Hercules choked out. “I- I swear that I only ever- I only ever wanted you. I-”

“Non, mon amour. Je suis-”

“English, Laf.” Hercules smiled as he said it and Lafayette nodded.

“I do not care what that man did to you Hercules. I adore you. It does not matter to me. None of that does.” Lafayette stepped closer and carefully took one of Hercules’ hands. “I love you Hercules and that refuses to change.”

“Laf you don’t- what he made me do- I-”

“He made you.” Lafayette shook his head. “He forced you. None of that makes what you are now. What he did was wrong and nothing you did was.”

“I let people fuck me for money.” Hercules whimpered out. Laf pulled him close and sighed.

“Not for money though. Was it?”

“What?”

“You didn’t do what he said for money. You did it for food and for family.”

“What does that change?” Hercules asked. Lafayette pulled back at that, staring at Hercules for a long moment.

“It changes everything.”

“I slept with him. Ge-George Frederick, I mean.” Hercules said, voice flat. Even the name made him want to throw up. Lafayette sighed and nodded.

“I- I do not know what to say.”

“If I knew who he was-” Hercules shook his head.

“Come.” Lafayette responded. “There is much we should talk but not here.”

“Where- where do I go?” Hercules asked. “My family is going to find out Laf and-” Hercules broke off again. “They’re gonna _know_.”

“They will know you were hurt and that you sacrificed for them. They shall not judge what you did, merely why you did it.”

“I can’t look him in the eyes anymore. I- I tried this morning, but I couldn’t. Jed needed me and I- I was terrified Laf. What if-”

“Hercules?”

Hercules’ head snapped up to see Washington standing in the doorway.

“Washington.”

“I’m sorry for what has happened son. This is-” Washington shook his head. “I’ve come to bring you to Yorktown.”

“Washington, could Hercules remain with his family for a time?” Lafayette asked before Hercules could say anything. Washington frowned before he shook his head.

“What was revealed in that pamphlet is very worrying son. Not just what Reynolds did to you but the living situation you’re in.”

“There’s nothing else I could do.” Hercules almost whispered.

“You should have come to me, son. I could have offered your family help.”

“I don’t-” Hercules sighed in frustration. “What’s the point? Anything I did was temporary! I- I _tried_ to get a real job! I did! But no-one would hire me! I spent all my time getting the cheapest food I could, and then there wasn’t enough to pay the heating! I couldn’t help my mother or my siblings and-” Hercules broke off, shaking his head. “I tried.” Hercules noticed that his voice cracked there, as if breaking under the weight of his unshed tears. “I tried so fucking hard, but there’s nothing I could do. Even with everything I- Jed’s still sick. Ana’s still cold. Josh is still getting nightmares. My mom is still sick. Ellie is- there’s not gonna be money to get her to college and-” Hercules broke off and just let out a long shuddering breath.

Lafayette pulled him in closer, and Hercules let himself be pulled, not fighting in the slightest.

“I just want to sleep. Can I-”

“Come to Yorktown. We can work out what happens next later. Lafayette, I suggest you also come back now. I believe Maria is coming with us now as well as Hamilton.”

“Hamilton?” Hercules asked. Washington nodded slowly.

“He is still under my care, Hercules. I can’t remove him from Yorktown for this. It’s an invasion of privacy and he should never have done it. However, he did. I doubt very much that there will be any punishment I can deliver to him that will make an impact.”

“I don’t wanna talk to him.”

“That’s understandable.”

“Will Jefferson be returning as well?” Lafayette asked. Washington frowned. “He was in the pamphlet, and I do not think staying here would be a good idea.”

“I need to speak to your principal, but I think that all of you might be taking a day out.”

“The sisters could stay.” Hercules offered, already feeling guilt rising in his gut.

“No. Peggy- Peggy has been removed from her father’s house. When Angelica read the pamphlet, she and Eliza left the school. They are both at Yorktown right now.” Washington sighed again. “This is a mess, Hercules. If anything like this ever happens you have to tell me. This- Peggy was released into the hands of someone who is willing to buy underage prostitutes. I just hope nothing happened to her.”

“I didn’t know about her dad. I- I knew that Mari had been threatened, but she never told me with what. I would have said something.”

“I know, son. You have an excellent record of protecting people. I just wish you’d think of yourself as well.”

Hercules stared at Washington for a long moment after that, and it was only broken as the principal’s door swung open to reveal Maria. She wasn’t crying anymore. She took a shaky step forwards before pausing.

“Mr Washington?” She asked and Washington nodded. “Are you here to take me to Yorktown?”

“Yes. I also need to talk to the principal. Can you three stay out here for a moment please.”

“Where’s Laurens?” Hercules asked Lafayette as Washington left. Lafayette sighed.

“He took Alexander to the nurse. You should not have done that, mon amour.”

“He deserved it.”

“No-one would refute that.”

“I don’t understand why he’d do it.” Hercules shook his head as he spoke. “I didn’t even say half that stuff! I-”

“I think Tommy told him something.” Maria piped up quietly.

“Jefferson?” Lafayette asked. Maria nodded in response.

“Tommy knew what was happening with me, and he knew stuff about Herc too.”

“Jefferson told him about me?”

“Tommy wouldn’t’ve said anything he didn’t have to. When Tommy talked to you, I was so scared Herc. You just--” Maria shook her head. “It was scary.”

“Did Alexander talk to you?” Hercules asked, trying to ignore what pathetic image Maria had just painted of him.

“No. I- I only ever talked to Tommy and you ‘bout it.”

“How much did you say?”

“Everything he put into that thing.” Maria sighed and shook her head. “I didn’t know he’d’ve done this Herc. I never would’ve told him if I’d’ve known.”

“Yeah, I know, Mari. It’s all kinds of fucked up.”

“It shall be alright now, mon amour. I am here along with everyone else. We shall not abandon you. Nor you, Maria. I do not know all but I know Yorktown will not refuse you because of this.”

“I’m not worried about being refused darling.” Maria smiled as she said it but there was something off about it, something that didn’t quite sit right with Lafayette. Before he could say anything else, Washington emerged from the office and nodded to them.

“Come on. The sisters are at Yorktown already. Can you three go to the car please, I parked it just outside. I need to collect Jefferson and Alexander.”

“Will he be punished for this?” Maria asked, staring at Washington. The man just sighed in response.

“I need to know why he did this. I need to know if this was a personal attack or if he was genuinely trying to help. Until then, I can’t promise anything.”

Maira nodded at that before rising and following Washington out. Hercules rose as well, pausing to reach a hand back to Maria. She eyed it for a second before taking it and standing.

“Better be careful darling. I think your guy’s getting antsy.”

“Laf?” Herc asked in confusion. Maria nodded. “He’s not like that.”

“No-one’s like that until they are. Just be careful, okay?”

“I will. Now come on.”

 

As they waited by the car, Hercules noticed more and more of the pamphlets whooshing down the street. He sighed as one of them caught on his ankle. Rather than retrieving it, he just lifted his foot and let the paper float away. He never wanted to see those words again, but he didn’t think there was any way he could stop them from burrowing into his brain.

When Washington finally appeared again, he was trailing Jefferson and Alexander. Jefferson was standing apart from Alexander, anger obvious in his every movement.

“Alexander, sit in the front.” Washington commanded. Alexander went to say something before Washington overrode him. “Now.” Alexander stared at him for a long moment before slipping into the front seat. Lafayette took the one behind him while Maria and Jefferson ended up in the back. Hercules sat on the far left of the middle row, with no-one next to him.

The ride back was silent, bar Alexander’s nervous tapping of his foot against the floor and Jefferson whispering things to Maria.

“When will James be coming back?” Jefferson piped up after a long moment.

“I’ve called in a favour from a friend. He’s in a taxi company, and he’s bringing Aaron and James back ho- back to Yorktown.” Washington stared ahead at the road after that while everyone in the car heard the word he’d nearly said; home.

But Yorktown had never been Hercules’ home. As he stared out of the window, he wondered where his home was now. He couldn’t face his real family anymore. He couldn’t go home.


	24. I Wrote My Own Deliverance

The first thing Maria noticed about Yorktown was that it was quiet, or maybe that was just the day. The Schuyler sisters were in their room. James wasn’t home yet, Lafayette and Hercules were talking in their room, and Jefferson was silent.

Alexander, well, Maria sighed at the thought. He was upstairs. No-one had said a word to him since they had got home, apart from Washington commanding him to go upstairs. It had hurt Hercules to watch him, Maria knew that. To see someone betray him so completely. She wished she could help but she had no idea how to.

“Maria?” Maria’s head snapped up at the voice. Eliza was stood in the doorway, gently biting down on her lip. Maria stood slowly, not sure what to say. What was the etiquette in this situation? How did she tell her ex-girlfriend that she’d dumped her because of blackmail? Maria was pretty sure there wasn’t a guide on what she should do.

“Hey, ‘Liza.” Maria choked out. Before Maria could say anything else she was engulfed in a hug, almost knocked off her feet by it. Eliza wrapped herself around Maria as if she never wanted to let go. Maria froze before slowly returning the hug.

“I’m so sorry, Maria.” Eliza pulled back slightly, her face streaming with tears. “I- I didn’t know!”

“I know, darling.” Maria’s voice was thick as she spoke. “I know you would’ve helped me if you could’ve.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Those- those terrible things! I could have helped!”

“He’d’ve hurt you, darling. Couldn’t stand that thought.”

“I could have helped.”

“Liza, it’s who I am. I didn’t just stop this because of Reynolds. I stopped it because it’s part of me and you can’t stop that.”

“What’s part of you?” Eliza asked quietly. Maria sighed before sitting down.

“I’m a whore darling. It’s not something I can stop. It’s who I am.”

“No you’re not. You’re-”

“First time I was sold it was for a few needles and a baggie.” Maria’s sentence silenced Eliza. “After that? Didn’t take long until it happened again. My mama didn’t have money. She spent it on drugs and drink. I could make money. When she was sober she’d apologise, say she’d never do it again. I believed her at first. Then I’d come home from school to find her at the bottom of a bottle. After she died I got moved to foster homes and figured that it’s easier to let it happen than fight it. Everyone wants sex, Liza. I’m good at it and they’ll pay me.”

“Pay you?”

“All pay something different. Reynolds paid me by giving me a house and food. Some did it so they wouldn’t hit me. Others so I wasn’t hit by someone else. It’s a currency Liza. It’s a currency I can earn easy.”

“Did they ever force you?” Eliza’s voice was soft and Maria snorted at the question.

“Course. First time it happened they drugged me beforehand. Eventually I stopped fighting back with them. I figured it just wasn’t worth it.”

“Did you ever say no and they ignored it?”

“Reynolds threw me down the stairs when I said no.” Maria grinned at that, hoping that Eliza would find the joke somehow, that she’d laugh or smile. But Eliza was just staring at Maria in horror. “What is it?”

“That’s rape Maria.”

“Nah it ain’t. It’s just sex ‘Liza.”

“If you didn’t want it then it’s rape.”

“I liked what I got out of it.”

“It’s still rape.”

“No it ain’t. It’s just about the only skill I have.”

“Maria, please, just-” Eliza grasped one of Maria’s hands. “Please promise me that you won’t do it again.”

“I can’t do that darling.”

“Please.” Eliza pleaded. Maria stared at her for several long moments before sighing.

“I’ll try. For you, doll.” As soon as Maria had finished her sentence she was engulfed in another massive hug.

“Thank you.” Eliza whispered. Maria chuckled into her shoulder.

“I love you too, darling.”

“Do you?” Eliza’s voice was quiet. Maria frowned, pulling back.

“Course. You’re my doll.”

“Th-the pamphlet said… it said that you might be using me.” Eliza’s voice faded as the sentence continued.

“No. No I’d never do that to you, darling. You’re my doll and I ain’t gonna hurt you. I promise.”

“Thank you.” Eliza murmured.

 

By the time James was home, more people had migrated down to the living room. Peggy was still in her room but Angelica had come down. Jefferson was also there, staring down at his phone as if he was doing something on the blank screen.

When the front door opened all of the heads in the room snapped up. James wheeled himself into the room, followed closely by Burr.

“Is it true?” James asked Maria. Maria sighed before nodding. “Fucking hell.” James breathed out. “All of it?” Maria hesitated for a second that time before nodding. “He’s gonna rot in prison for it.”

“I know.” Maria shrugged. “He’s gonna get what he deserves course.” James folded his wheelchair up and slowly stood, hobbling over to the nearest seat. As Jefferson noticed this he clucked his tongue and stood to help James. Burr just took a seat near the door, staring at the others.

“What has Alexander said?” Burr asked to the room in general. They glanced at each other before Jefferson responded.

“Nothing. Not since school. Hercules got violent, punched him and then we left.”

“Why did he do it?”

“We don’t know.” Hercules said, staring at the floor. “He wrote that he wanted to- to stop it but…” Hercules trailed off with a sigh. “I’ve got no clue.”

“Hercules,” Angelica glanced around the room before she continued. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I’m not having that conversation.” Hercules snapped out. “You know what it’s like to lose family. I don’t. I didn’t want that to change.”

“Didn’t?” Jefferson asked.

“CPS are looking into my living arrangements. Jed is sick. I- I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“It’ll be okay.” Eliza smiled as she spoke. “You’ll still be able to visit them. It won’t be forever, just until things are sorted out.”

“Sorted out?” Hercules asked in astonishment. “It won’t get sorted out Eliza! It- my mother might get arrested. Even if she doesn’t, she’s still weak. I can’t support her when I’m here. I can’t do anything!”

“You shouldn’t have done anything anyway.” Everyone turned to the new voice. Alexander was stood in the doorway, eyes hooded but fixed on Hercules. “That’s the point.” Hercules was on his feet before he realised, and halfway across the room before someone blocked his way. Alexander just kept eye contact, not wavering even as Eliza stood between the two.

“What the hell do you want, Alexander?” Eliza snapped out, glaring at Alexander. Alexander looked around the room, as if confused. Every face was hard, filled with hatred. It didn’t seem to compute with the boy for several long moments before he smiled, full of the same alien hatred.

“Don’t worry. It won’t be much longer.”

“What do you mean?” Angelica rose to stand next to Eliza, laying a hand on Hercules’ arm.

“CPS is fast. Something this public? They have to be.”

“You-” Hercules surged forwards and Angelica pulled him back.

“Don’t, Herc. He’s not worth it.”

“What do you want, Alexander?” Eliza asked coldly.

“I wanted you all to be safe.”

“Then you could have fucking talked to me!” Hercules snarled out. “Not just betrayed me!”

“At least I did something rather than letting it happen. I helped! You did nothing! You just let him do anything! You’re a goddamn whore who just-” Before Alexander could say anything else Hercules had broken free of the sisters and had pinned Alexander to the wall. In an instant everyone was on their feet, rushing to the two.

Lafayette, Burr and Jefferson pulled Alexander away while the sisters and Maria pulled Hercules back. Hercules was shouting as he was pulled back while Alexander just smiled, blood dripping from his nose into his mouth, staining his teeth red.

“Alexander…” Lafayette trailed off, not knowing what to say. Jefferson nodded to the corridor and the three pulled the still struggling boy out. Burr shut the door behind him, silencing what was inside. When they were a good way away they released Alexander who just stared at them warily.

“Why did you do it?” Jefferson asked.

“Because someone had to do something. You did _nothing_! I had information that could help them! I couldn’t just lie and say everything was okay!”

“You idiot!” Jefferson snapped. “Of course I had a fucking plan! You’ve just ruined Hercules’ life! And his siblings. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Everything is going as it should. Hercules will be safe. His family will be safe.”

“How can you believe that? You know what happens to kids when they go into care! You know what happened to you! Do you really want that to happen to Hercules’ siblings?”

“Why the fuck should I care? It’s not like I know them.”

Jefferson stared at Alexander in astonishment for a moment before he scoffed in disgust.

“You’re never going to be family now. That’s one less thing to worry about.” Jefferson stared at him before he shook his head. “That’s one less thing to worry about.” With that he turned and walked back into the living room. Lafayette went to follow him before pausing and turning back.

“Alexander, I-” Lafayette sighed before continuing. “I thought you were my brother.”

“What?” Alexander asked in astonishment.

“I trusted you. Hercules trusted you. Vous n'êtes rien à nous.” Lafayette walked back into the living without a pause. Alexander’s legs collapsed from beneath him and he sank to the floor, tears dribbling down his face. Burr stared down at him for a moment before kneeling next to him.

Burr stared down at him in confusion. He’d known the boy for a while now and he’d never looked this defeated.

“What do you want, Burr?” Alexander hissed out. Burr paused. He could go back into the living room, pretend he hadn’t seen this, hadn’t seen Alexander weak and alone. He could play it safe, it wouldn’t be his fault if he left Alexander here without another word.

“What’s wrong?” Burr asked crouching next to Alexander.

“Fuck off.” Alexander spat out. “You’re the worst out of all of them. At least Jefferson has a fucking opinion! You cower behind everyone so they’ll fucking get hit first! You’re a coward Burr!”

Burr took a step back at that. He’d never intended for someone else to take a literal hit for him but he knew it had happened. However this was so out of character for Alexander, so different to everything Burr knew about him.

“You don’t mean that.”

“You’re a fucking disgrace.” Alexander spat out. “Your parents are probably glad they’re dead so they don’t have to deal with having you as a son!”

“Shut up!” Burr hissed. Alexander looked up, anger in his eyes. Burr took a deep breath as he realised he’d just shown Alexander exactly what would hurt him the most.

“You’re not worthy of carrying your name. You never will be.” Alexander smiled, a feral grin, as Burr looked away, trying to keep his temper under control.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Burr growled, a warning that Alexander ignored.

“You’re an embarrassment. I’m fucking glad I’m not related to you.”

“I told you to shut up!” Burr whirled around and kicked Alexander in the ribs. Alexander did nothing other than continue to sneer up at him.

“Finally, you actually fucking do something! Go on, do it, fucking hit me! Be like every one of your foster parents. Show who you really are.”

“Stop it, Alexander.” Burr threatened but Alexander did nothing to slow down, let alone stop.

“You’re not going to do anything. You wouldn’t do anything unless your own fucking life was in danger. You stand for _nothing_ Burr! You’ll fall for nothing! Your death will be nothing just like your fucking life.”

“At least I won’t kill myself! You call me a coward and you sit in your room wondering if you’re going to fucking end it.” Burr felt a grim satisfaction as Alexander recoiled at that. “At least I have the fucking common sense to survive.”

“You live for nothing. At least I’m going to do something.”

“How? You have nothing! You’re an immigrant bastard who can’t even scrape by in school. You’ll be fucking lucky if you don’t end up as a criminal.”

“Stereotyping now, are we?”

“No. I know _you,_ Alexander. You’re an Icarus. You’ll fall eventually because you can’t keep your own curiosity under control.”

“You don’t know me!” Alexander all but shrieked. “None of you fucking know me!”

“I know that you’re arrogant, you’re self-centred. You put everybody’s life on the line because you wanted the spotlight for one second! You’re selfish and you don’t care about anybody apart form you! Laurens fucking loved you! You outed him to his abusive father and you did nothing to protect him!”

“Maybe he deserved it!” Burr paused at that in horror.

“What?” Burr’s voice was cold and Alexander just snarled.

“Maybe he fucking deserved to be- to be-” Alexander trailed off, panic flickering across his face. “He just- just-”

“You’d never believe that.” Burr frowned as he stared at Alexander, anger draining away. “You’d _never_ believe someone deserved that.”

“You don’t fucking know me!”

“I know you well enough. What the hell is going on, Alexander?”

It was as if the fight left Alexander. He slumped forwards and Burr was horrified to see his chest begin to heave as he started to cry in earnest.

“Why couldn’t I do it?” Alexander murmured, almost too quiet for Burr to hear it.

“Do what?”

“You do it. Thomas _fucking_ Jefferson does it. Why can’t I?”

“Do what?”

“Lie.” Alexander’s voice was quiet. “I just- it’s better.”

“What’s better?”

“That I’m not here.” Burr frowned at that before sitting down next to Alexander.

“What do you mean?”

“She called me family.” Alexander’s voice trembled as he spoke. “She- I can’t-”

“Who called you family?”

“Eliza. I can’t be family. No-one wants me, Aaron. Not- not really.”

“What about your mother?”

“She died because of me.” Alexander whimpered out. “She drowned because I wouldn’t get up. I- I killed her!”

“She died in the hurricane?” Burr asked in confusion.

“No. We got sick. I was ten when my mama died. We were- she was holding me. I was so sick but she held me through it. Then she was sick. I told her to leave, that I was going to die but she- she wouldn’t and then she couldn’t. I- I wanted to die then. Because then then she’d be okay. I wouldn’t have killed her.” Alexander’s voice broke slightly. “I wanted to die- I should have died…”

“Slow down.” Burr pressed a hand to Alexander’s shoulder. “What would Laurens say if he heard you say that?”

“He doesn’t care. I’m as good as a friend in the ground to him now.”

“No. He’d tell you to let this go.”

“I can’t! I-” Tears were streaming down Alexander’s face. “I remember her dying Burr! I remember watching the life leave my mother because I was selfish and stayed alive! I remember watching the hurricane tear people apart! I remember death so often I don’t even- I don’t know if it’s a memory or my imagination! I don’t know if I’m dead!” Alexander’s voice cracked on the last word.

“No.” Burr stared at Alexander for a long moment before shaking his head. “No! You’re- you’re alive Alexander. You- you’re one of the most alive people I’ve ever seen. You’re stronger than you think and far better. You didn’t-”

“My cousin tried to kill me.”

“What?”

“My cousin took his gun and pointed it at my head. I- I fought it and it went off. I- I realised what I’d done and I put the gun in his hand again and I- I was trapped underneath him as he died. It took- it took the police half an hour to find me and- I-”

“Jesus.”

“He’d beaten me before. He’d- he’d burned me. He’d threatened me with the gun but that time he was drunk and- and he hurt me worse whenever he was drunk. I- I thought he was gonna kill me, Aaron. But- I shouldn’t have- I should have let him do it.”

“Alexan-”

“I fucked up the first family as well. I talked too much. I ate too much. I- I took up too much space. I didn’t lie when the teacher asked me. I- I could see them- they were happy when I was taken. I- I was a burden. I’ve always been a burden. I’ve always hurt the people around me. I always- I always will and I-”

“That’s why you snapped at Washington, wasn’t it?” Burr asked. Alexander nodded. “Because son means he’s your father.”

“My father got rid of me early. He- he figured out what I am. He- he did the right thing.”

“You- you don’t even know, do you? You’re amazing, Alexander. You-” Burr broke off and sighed. “I’d be proud to call you family.”

“No!” Alexander scrambled back at that, shaking his head furiously. “You- don’t call me that please! I- I’m not your family! I’m not Washington’s son! I don’t have a dad. I killed my mama. I killed my brother. I killed my cousin. I- I kill my family, Aaron! Any- any adopted families hurt me. I can’t- I can’t trust them. I’m- son means family, family means being left behind!”

Burr stared at him for a long moment after that before responding.

“Come with me.”

“Where are we going?” Alexander asked, already following Burr’s instructions.

“We’re going to watch a kids’ movie about a fucking blue alien because that’s not what family means, Alex. Not really.”

“What is family then?”

“Family is-” Burr frowned, remembering how his grandfather was always so stern but would smile whenever Burr entered the room, how his mother always had a kiss left for him, how his father would cheer him on with every single report card that came back no matter the grades. “Family is belonging. Family is being able to talk. Family is being loved. Family is- Family is never being left behind. No matter how many times you fuck up.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear.” Alexander muttered, confused. Burr just smiled.

“Until I met you, I didn’t need to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, the Lilo and Stitch reference was accidental. I wrote 'son means family and family means being left behind' and then spent a day wondering why it sounded so familiar. When I remembered I then changed the end of this scene so they could go watch it (originally they just go to Burr's room to calm down)  
> And this is a good time to point out that Yorktown is an overview of their backstories, not everything. This is very important to remember for certain other characters. Nothing in that is a lie but, as you can see from this chapter, there is stuff which is totally omitted from it because it's things the characters would hate to admit (for example what happened to Laurens' mother? Did the author maybe not decide on whether or not she was alive until chapter 70 odd? maybe...)


	25. Raise a Glass To Freedom

Laurens wandered through the streets as they moved around him. He could hear the cars passing but they seemed muffled in some way, as if they weren’t real anymore, as if he was just imagining them. He didn’t understand how Alexander could do that to him, could betray him so utterly and completely.

Because it was a betrayal, it was a betrayal of the trust Laurens had put in him, a betrayal of what they were. Laurens had no idea what they were now. Could they rebuild that trust? Laurens had trusted Alexander with his most prized secret, the secret he hadn’t told anyone for years, the secret he could barely admit to himself.

Laurens paused outside his door. His father’s car was in the drive. This wasn’t going to be good. Laurens wanted to run, to run and never look back but he couldn’t. There was nowhere to run to and if he was homeless it would never end, he’d be trapped. At least he knew the dangers of his father.

He pulled his key out and opened the door, closing it as quietly as he could. It was obviously too loud as within seconds his father was in the hallway.

“Jack.”

“Father.” Laurens was proud of how little his voice quavered.

“What is the meaning of this?” The man brandished a number of pages. Laurens was already too tired of seeing them.

“I- I don’t know sir.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” He stepped forwards and Laurens gulped slightly.

“I- I di-didn’t write it, s-sir.” Laurens was actually surprised when his father slapped him. He held his ground, turning his face back to his father, ignoring the pain.

“Don’t fucking stutter Jack.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“This says you’re dating someone. It says you’re dating another man. Is this true?” Laurens paused for a moment, trying to work out the answer. He obviously paused for too long as he was slapped again. Laurens gasped in pain before silencing it.

“Yes sir. It is.”

“You piece of filth!” His father snapped, grabbing his collar and pushing him back into the wall. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Laurens let himself be manhandled, knowing it would only be worse if he fought. “I gave you everything!” His father roared, smashing his fist into Laurens’ gut. He doubled over, gasping for air but was given no reprieve as his father punched his face. Laurens let out a whimper, not allowing him to do anything louder.

“I’m sorry.” Laurens croaked out.

“Damn right you’re sorry! You’re why she left.” Laurens whimpered again as his father leaned in. “If it wasn’t for you she’d still be here. But you _chased her off_!” The man threw Laurens to the floor. He felt his head collide with the hard tile and he let out a sharp cry as the world began to spin gently.

“I’m sorry!”

“That’s not fucking good enough!” The man delivered a swift kick to Laurens’ side, making him curl in one himself. “Don’t try to get away from this! You deserve it!” The next kick caught Laurens in the back, making him arch slightly, letting the next kick hit him in the ribs.

Laurens curled into himself, not letting himself feel each kick raining down on him. It wouldn’t do him any good to catalogue where it hurt. He just knew that it did. When it finally ended Laurens raised his head to watch his father staring down at him with pure disgust in his face.

“Get up.” This was enunciated with another kick. Laurens staggered to his feet, ignoring the pain in every part of his body and the way the world spun as he did. “Get into the car.”

“Why?” Laurens half slurred out.

“Don’t fucking ask questions.” His father snapped. Laurens went to leave but something stopped him. If he wasn’t more intelligent he might have thought it was that fire, the fire that Alexander had rekindled in him.

“Why?”

“I’m going to fucking fix you once and for all. You’re going to therapy and staying there until you’re normal.”

“No!” Laurens cried out, backing up until his back was at the wall. “I don’t want-”

“You don’t want? You don’t want!” The man stepped forwards, this time wrapping his hands around Laurens’ neck. Laurens tried to relax his body but then he stopped himself. Why should he just let it happen? Laurens raised his leg and kneed his father in the stomach. The grip around his neck loosened and Laurens took the opportunity to push the man away.

“I’m not going back!” Laurens tried to make his voice strong but no part of him was strong anymore. His heart was broken, his soul all but extinguished. He had nothing. He had nothing but blind stubbornness. He hoped to God that would be enough.

“You will do what I tell you!”

“Not anymore!” Laurens raised a hand to wipe away the blood dribbling from his mouth. “What do you think will happen if people see me like this?”

“I’ll tell them you had a fight in school. Just like I always have. You have no power here, Jack. Don’t pretend that you do.”

“The pamphlet stopped that. I have all the fucking power in the world, dad.” Laurens spat out every word. “If someone sees me like this walking out of the house, if I go to the papers how long will it take until you’re out of a job? It’s a fucking election year and there’s no way you’d be re-elected if they found out that you beat your son because he’s gay.”

“What if I care more about my son than my image?” Laurens actually laughed at that. He ignored how much it hurt his ribs or how it sounded wet.

“You’ve not given a fuck about me since Mom left. I know that you don’t care. My friends know, Mr Washington knows. When do you want your voters to know?”

“You can’t blackmail me, Jack.”

“Yes I can.” Laurens said softly, surprised. “I’ll leave. I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again. Washington can- he can do it quietly. You keep my inheritance the same and I’ll never go to the police or the papers about this.”

“Why should I accept your terms?”

“Because if you don’t, if you send me back to- to that place I’m not going to survive.” Laurens’ voice trembled slightly at that. “You- you don’t know what they did to me there. I’m not going to survive it again. Then you’ll have to explain to everyone why your son killed himself.”

“You’d use suicide as a bargaining chip? I always knew you were pathetic but that’s a new low, even for you.”

“It’s not a bargaining chip. It’s the truth. I won’t survive it. If you give a damn about me you’ll let me walk out of this house right now and you’ll never try to contact me again.”

“If you say one word to a reporter then I’ll beat you within an inch of your life, your inheritance will vanish and I will personally destroy any hope of getting a job.”

“Love you too dad.” Laurens said weakly. “So, we have a deal?”

“Yes. Now get out of my house.” The man walked away, as if abandoning his son was just an inconvenience. Laurens lay against the wall, taking in deep breaths, each one more painful than the last. His face was bloody and his ribs ached.

But he had to leave. Laurens walked up the stairs, having to pause at every few, until he was in his room. He threw some clothes in, some electronics before hoisting the bag on his back. He looked around the room ruefully. His father would probably have binned the rest of the stuff by the next day. Maybe he’d send some of the stuff to Yorktown but Laurens doubted it. His father wasn’t exactly known for being charitable.

Laurens pulled himself out of the door and began the seemingly endless walk to Yorktown. When he finally arrived at the front door he wanted to collapse, to do nothing. But he still rang on the doorbell and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

Washington opened the door and stood there in shock for several long moments. Laurens knew he looked like shit, he knew his face would be swollen to all hell tomorrow.

“Can I come in?” Laurens asked softly. Washington nodded, stepping to the side and ushering Laurens into the living room.

“Who did this, Laurens?”

“My dad. He didn’t seem too happy with the pamphlet.”

“You understand that I cannot let you go home now.”

“I know. M- my dad and I discussed that. He’s okay with Yorktown fostering me or adopting me or-or whatever. Gotta keep it quiet. Can’t go to the police or the papers. Everything stays quiet and it’ll be fine.”

“This isn’t fine, Laurens. This is- this damage is extensive. What did he do this with?”

“Nothing. Don’t think so anyway. Just got real mad.” Washington frowned at that and sat Laurens down on one of the seats. The rest of the room stared at him in shock.

“Are you happy talking about it in front of other people?”

“’s long as they don’t say it to anyone else.” Laurens nodded and Washington shook his head in disbelief.

“Mon ami, what happened?” Lafayette was the first to rush forwards, gently taking Laurens’ hand. Laurens smiled weakly at that.

“My dad got real mad. Didn’t like that I was dating Alexander.”

“Your father did this?” Peggy asked, looking slightly green. Laurens just nodded. He was exhausted, he just wanted to sleep.

“Laurens, did you hit your head at some point?”

“Yeah. Got it kicked a few times.” Laurens mumbled out in response to Washington.

“You can’t fall asleep.” James offered from his seat.

“I know. It’s tough.”

“You should go to hospital Laurens. I can’t deal with these injuries here.” Laurens was shaking his head before Washington had even finished.

“You- you must know someone. Please Washington, I can’t go to a hospital.”

“I do but I want it on record that this is not a good idea.” Washington left the room and Laurens felt his head loll to the side. Jefferson was next to him in an instant.

“Laurens, were you unconscious at some point?”

“No. Don’t think so. Maybe I-” Laurens broke off as the door opened again. Instead of Washington walking in it was Burr and Alexander. Hercules glared at him with a dirty stare but stayed seated. Alexander had a black eye forming and Laurens guessed that Hercules had already had his swing.

“Laurens, what happened?” Alexander asked in amazement. He walked forwards several steps before Burr placed a hand on his arm.

“This might not be the time.” Burr whispered.

“What the fuck do you think happened, Alexander? You told my abusive homophobic father I was dating you! He beat me up and disowned me! You- I fucking _told_ you not to do this! I _told_ you it was a bad idea and that it wouldn’t help! What do you fucking go and do? You spilt all of our fucking secrets to the world!” Laurens pulled himself up on shaky legs. “You outed Laf and Herc and me! You had no fucking idea what would happen to Herc or Laf! You knew exactly what would happen to me and you fucking did it anyway! You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and you were so fucking stupid you nearly killed me!”

“Laurens I didn’t want-”

“I don’t care what you wanted, Alexander! You didn’t care what I wanted. I loved you. I trusted you with everything! We all did! I’m not even going to fucking ask why you felt like you needed to talk about Jefferson! You revealed Herc and Maria’s secret because you fucking felt like it. You’re filth!”

“Laurens I never-”

“Don’t _fucking_ call me that. I’m not your boyfriend anymore, Alexander. I’m not your friend. I don’t give a damn about you. And I am no longer Laurens because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it's confusing, from now on Laurens will be called John so when you see a new character popping in next chapter don't worry, it's just our fav confused turtle lover


	26. You Can Call Me The Devil, You Aspire To My Level

The rest of the day was awkward. Hercules and Maria were whisked away to the hospital and when they returned they both looked exhausted. Maria went straight to Eliza’s arms while Hercules just sat down at the edge of the sofa, staring into nothing.

Martha Dandridge arrived at some point and led John into a different room. She was gentle and kind but he barely noticed, staring off into nothing.

“Are you alright, dear?” She asked as she finished. He turned to her, thinking for a long moment.

“No.” He picked up his shirt and left the room. Martha sighed before following him. She walked to Washington and gave him the news. Washington just nodded and looked over the motley band he was now somehow in charge of.

Burr and Alexander hadn’t come downstairs since John came back and none of the others had left the living room. At some point the TV had been turned on but no-one was watching it. It felt like the end of a storm, when everything was destroyed and the survivors were climbing out of the wreckage.

Washington wasn’t immune to it of course but he had the training to cope with it. None of his wards did.

He distracted himself, there was no other word, while he cooked their lunch. Rather than sandwiches he decided that they were going to have soup made from scratch. He knew how to cook it and it was relaxing, being able to ignore everything for just a bit.

The cooking only distracted him for a time. Eventually it was time to face the kids. He took the pot into the dining room before he grabbed the bowls and added them. When he was sure there was nothing else he could use to procrastinate he called the people in from the living room.

They all trouped into the room quietly and Washington was happy to sit down until he noticed the empty seats.

“Where is Burr and…” Washington trailed off before sighing. Jefferson was the one to respond.

“They’re still upstairs.”

“Stay here.” Washington half warned the room. He took a bowl and climbed the stairs slowly. He didn’t think Alexander should be there but he wasn’t about to deprive the child of food. When he got to the door he knocked on it and Burr opened it.

“Sir?” Burr asked in confusion. Washington smiled at him.

“It’s meal time.”

“Why is there-” Burr paused before nodding.

“What’s happening?” Alexander asked quietly, standing and staring at Washington. Washington noticed that there was a blanket wrapped around him and his eyes were rimmed with red as if he’d been crying. Washington should question it but he knew that would only make Alexander retreat further into himself.

“It’s meal time and I didn’t think it would be a good idea for you to come downstairs.” Washington’s words were enough to make Alexander curl in on himself. Burr frowned, obviously caught between going to comfort Alexander and listening to Washington.

“I- I’ll eat up here.” Alexander stepped forwards and took the bowl. “Aaron, you should go down. I’ll eat in my room.”

“Alexander-”

“Go on Aaron. You need to eat.” With that, Alexander shut the door. Burr stared at it for several long moments before Washington spoke again.

“He’ll be alright, son.” Washington received a strange look from Burr at that but he decided not to push it.

“Yes sir.” Burr’s words seemed forced and Washington wanted to comfort him but he had no idea how to.

“Come on, Burr. You’ll feel better with some food in you.”

Burr ducked his head and followed Washington back down the stairs.

 

Washington surveyed the table. Most of them weren’t eating. The few that were eating stared into nothing as they did. Washington sighed as he realised he needed to say something. He stood, attracting every eye to him.

“James Reynolds is currently in police custody. Phillip Schuyler is in custody and the police are looking for George Frederick. They will likely serve decades for what they’ve done, Reynolds serving even longer. They won’t hurt anybody here again. You are all safe. Now then, what’s wrong?”

“I just-” John sighed as he let his spoon drop into his soup. “I can’t believe he’d do that! I- He promised me he wouldn’t do it. He promised that he’d never tell anyone and-” John broke off as he shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t know why he didn’t tell us earlier.” Angelica’s voice was strong but her hand still gravitated to Peggy’s hand. The youngest looked sick as she remembered what could have happened to her. “If he knew, if anyone knew,” Angelica stared at Maria and Jefferson for a long moment “I don’t know why they wouldn’t explain.”

“Angie that’s not fair, Maria had to keep it a secret.” Eliza said softly.

“No she didn’t.” Angelica responded, whirling on her sister. “She could have got help.”

“Where’d’ve I ended up, darling?” Maria asked cynically. “With some other family. No point. At least Reynolds fed me.”

A silence fell over the table at that. James was the one who finally broke it.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.” James stared straight at Jefferson who fidgeted slightly. “I trust you with everything, Jefferson. But you couldn’t even hint that something was happening?”

“I was protecting a secret Jemmy I-”

“Don’t fucking call me that!” James snapped. Jefferson looked stunned for a moment, an expression James had never seen on him.

“I-”

“Your secret put us all in danger, mon ami.” Lafayette whispered, staring at Hercules who had yet to say anything. “What if-”

“I knew what I was doing.” Jefferson half sneered out. He sat back and stared around the table as if daring them to attack him. Under the table his right hand curled into a fist as he drove his sharp nails into the delicate skin.

“Obviously you didn’t,” Angelica spat out, “if you let Peggy stay with a fucking child molester!”

“I didn’t let her do a goddamn thing! You know as well as I that she wouldn’t listen to reason when she left!”

“I would have fucking listened to that!” Peggy glared at Jefferson. “I- I thought he was better! You- you didn’t even fucking tell me he was-” Peggy shuddered and looked away.

“That ain’t Tommy’s fault.” Maria’s voice was soft. “I never told Tommy that bit.” Jefferson glanced at Maria with a frown at that, as if trying to piece together a puzzle.

“Looks like you told him everything else.” James spat out.

“James-” Jefferson started, leaning forwards.

“I did tell Tommy a lot. It ain’t his fault that I ain’t told you doll. I wanted to protect your sister but I had to-”

“Don’t.” Angelica snarled. “Don’t you dare say there was something more important!”

“You don’t have a clue.” Hercules whispered. Angelica faltered for a moment. She knew Hercules, had been friends with him for years. “None of you do.”

“Herc-”

“If Mari decided to keep it quiet then it was for a reason.” Hercules stared at the bowl in front of him. He hadn’t eaten any of it. His stomach flip flopped angrily in his stomach. “None of this was meant to come to light. It was-”

“What were you going to do?” Peggy asked quietly. The room stilled as Hercules turned to her. “After you paid back the debt.” Hercules stared at her for several long moments before he looked away and sighed.

“I don’t know. I was gonna-” Hercules broke off. “I was going to do anything I had to. I was- Ellie was going to go to college. Mom was gonna get better so we could both get real jobs. As soon as Jed and Josh apply for college they’ll get scholarships. They’re smart and capable. I would support them as far as I could.”

“Just support them?” Lafayette asked in confusion. “What of your own wishes?”

“I-” Hercules broke off. “It doesn’t matter, okay? I’m not going to do any of that stuff because of Alexander fucking Hamilton.”

“He did wrong.” Lafayette added. “Petit lion, how you say, fucked up.”

“I don’t understand how he could do it!” Angelica exclaimed.

“I know I’m not exactly a saint in this,” Jefferson started, “but maybe-”

“You’re right.” John spoke over him. “You’re not a saint. You hid abuse. You helped abuse and rape! You’re no fucking saint and you don’t get an opinion in this.”

“John-” Jefferson started, shocked by the anger in John’s voice. Even if he knew it wasn’t really directed at him the words hit him hard.

“Shut the hell up Jefferson.” John snarled. Burr stared at the conversation as it started to devolve into blaming Alexander. Eventually John turned to Washington.

“He’s not staying here, is he?” Washington sighed before he answered.

“It’s complicated. He hasn’t committed a crime and while this is a breach of privacy it’s not technically-”

“He told my father everything!” John snarled out. “He deserves to be fucking punished!”

“And he will be. If he will be removed is a different decision. I don’t know if removing him will do any good. Even if we did remove him, the closest foster home that could accept him is three states over. With his grades in the shape they are now there’s no way he could go anywhere academically.”

“Three states isn’t even far enough.” John muttered. Washington decided to not pursue that topic.

“It looks like he will be removed. If he is not-”

“You can’t.”

Washington paused at the voice and looked up in surprise to see Burr standing. Burr seemed to notice it at the same time and his hands curled into fists.

“I- I mean- no you-”

“Why are you trying to defend him?” Eliza asked in genuine surprise.

“Wh-what he did.” Burr was taking steady breaths but it looked as if each one was an effort, as if he was trying to not hyperventilate. “It should be punished. I- we all know that. But you can’t send him away.”

“Why not?” Washington asked, staring at Burr. Burr frowned.

“H-he told me something in confidence the other day. But-”

“He’s spilled enough of our secrets today. I thought he said he wanted the truth out?” John’s face was cruel and his voice didn’t leave any room for disagreement.

“He said he’s not far off killing himself.” The table was silent as Burr mustered the courage to continue. “Like you said, sir, he doesn’t have anywhere to go academically. He doesn’t have a trust fund or a family to fall back on. He just has the system and he knows he’s going to age out of it in not that long. There- he doesn’t see a way out of this, sir. He say that there’s nothing for him.”

“Is he a danger to himself now?”

“He would be if he was committed. I- He isn’t now but-“

“He fucking should be committed for what he did.” John snapped out. The table turned to him and he glared back. “What?”

“John-”

“I don’t care okay? I don’t give a fuck why he did it! I don’t care what he was thinking or what he’s thinking now! He ruined my life for no fucking reason! He can go kill himself if he wants.” John rose to leave but paused as the doorway was blocked.

Alexander stood there.

He stared at John for several long moments before shuffling into the room. He set his still full bowl on the table before turning and striding from the room Burr sighed and stood, rushing after him.

Angelica gave John a pointed look which he ignored. The fire Alexander had lit still burned in his chest. He was pissed off and it was all because of Alexander. There was a hint of sadness, of regret but they were overpowered by the all-consuming rage.

Washington sighed.

“John, do not repeat that. Whether it’s in Alexander’s presence or not. Burr, go after him. Make sure he is calm and not about to do anything rash.”

“In case he kills himself,” Jefferson stated “you mean.”

“Yes. For the rest of you, I think it would be a good idea to get on with some homework.”

 

By the time night had rolled around, Alexander still hadn’t appeared. Burr had slunk back down at some point, without giving a reason for Alexander’s behaviour. John had been quiet when Burr had come down but Burr, as always, had said nothing negative.

It was awkward, there was no way around it. It seemed as if groups had formed within Yorktown. The Schuyler sisters were united once more, Jefferson, Hercules and Maria seemed to have grouped up, Burr and Alexander were linked somehow, and the rest were on their own, floating somehow.

James was furious but he was also tired. He shouldn’t expect Jefferson to tell him everything but it was still painful that Jefferson didn’t bother to even consult with him. It made James feel useless, as if Jefferson couldn’t trust the cripple that he was. While Jefferson had said nothing of the sort he hadn’t said anything against it.

Lafayette wanted to help but seemed unsure of what to do. No-one blamed him. He had only just found out that his boyfriend had been being abused and he had known nothing about it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had also been outed to the entire school and found out that his boyfriend had been forced to sleep with his old foster father. All in all, Lafayette wasn’t having a great day.

John was… he was furious. He was furious and cold and tired. His body ached from the bruises and cuts. His heart ached from the betrayal. His soul ached from how long he’d been fighting. He wanted nothing more than to collapse but he knew he couldn’t, not truly.

Maria was nervous. She hadn’t been in a house this busy for a long time. Everything seemed to press in on her. The glances everyone shot her way seemed to weigh a tonne. Eliza had tried to talk to her but Maria didn’t want to. She knew what was in that pamphlet and she never wanted Eliza to know what it was like, what it had felt like to see that written down for the world to see.

The problem was, everyone was thinking about it.

When night fully fell Washington told them to go to their various rooms.

Maria trudged up the stairs, both flights, to find her door. She knew it was next to Alexander’s but she had nothing to say to him.

When she walked into the room she sighed deeply. She slowly unchanged, not bothering with any night clothes. She wanted to curl up under the covers and sleep forever but she couldn’t. She stared at the door in some kind of fucked up anticipation.

She knew there was nothing that would stop someone getting in, there never had been. There would be no point in fighting it.

Someone would come in, someone would always come in. There were rules to her universe but only one constant; her body was not her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so that last little Maria bit? That was my first bit I wrote of her. It was originally going to be in Yorktown. This was before almost anything else existed, before Hercules' storyline, Jefferson being abandoned or Laf being genderfluid. It was a LONG time ago.  
> Also, the Martha who helps John is Martha Washington but with her maiden name as she and Washington are not married in this universe (I'm tempted to write a one-shot where they do get together though because they're adorable)


	27. I Wanted The World To Know What I Intended To Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't tend to trigger warning chapters cause I never know what counts but tw suicide for this chap

Alexander had never watched Lilo and Stitch before. It was actually quite good. He didn’t quite understand why Burr had shown it to him until the film was nearly over, when Stitch refused to leave.

Alexander glanced at Burr who was trying his hardest to not cry. He didn’t really understand it.

Later, after John had returned and when Burr had gone, Alexander stared at his wall for a long time. Family meant being left behind. There was no-one who stuck around. His mother had tried to and the world had decided to fuck him over on that one. Every other person who had ever even resembled family had left him. His cousin had been so desperate he’d picked up a gun.

Some of them had dropped him off with bruises and cuts, others when he was starving and pained. Even if he had been left happily it didn’t matter. He was left. He was abandoned.

But Burr hadn’t done that.

Alexander sighed at that, trying to wrap his head around it. Burr should have left. The moment Alexander had published his pamphlet he should have been removed from the house. He should have been sent on his way, whatever way that might be.

Washington hadn’t done that. Lafayette had thought of him as family. Peggy had got in contact with her sisters just so she could recommend a dumb cat poster for his room.

Alexander put his hands over his ears. It was too much, it didn’t make sense.

He wanted people to stay but he knew they wouldn’t. He wanted to believe that they cared but he knew that no-one could care about him. He wanted to atone but he knew he didn’t deserve to be forgiven

“I do.” Alexander whispered. “I- I do. Everyone deserves forgiveness.” He rose slowly and walked to the door. Before he left he picked up his bowl. It would take a long time to get back to normal but he could surely sit through a single meal.

A part of him, an enormous part of him, wanted to wolf down the food but he ignored it. He could resist the temptation until he was at the table, like a normal person.

Alexander crept down the stairs, towards the dining room. He paused just outside the room as he heard Burr talking. That was unusual. Alexander didn’t remember the last time Aaron had talked in front of Washington beyond a few words.

“He said he’d kill himself.” Alexander’s blood ran cold. Aaron was selling him out. Why? “Like you said, sir, he doesn’t have anywhere to go academically. He doesn’t have a trust or a family to fall back on. He just has the system and he knows he’s going to age out of it. There- he doesn’t see a way out of this, sir. He say that there’s nothing for him.”

“Is he a danger to himself now?”

“He would be if he was committed. I- He isn’t now but-“

Alexander walked forwards, ready to enter the room. He could correct this before it got out of hand. As he heard John’s voice he paused in the doorway.

“He fucking should be.” John snapped out. “What?”

Alexander felt like the air had been smashed out of him. John wanted him committed? Alexander didn’t believe it. He didn’t believe it. There was no way that John, his John, wanted him to be hurt. Alexander stepped into the doorway. Angelica glanced at him and sat up a bit straighter.

“John-”

“I don’t care okay? I don’t give a fuck why he did it! I don’t care what he was thinking or what he’s thinking now! He ruined my life for no fucking reason! He can go kill himself if he wants.” John rose to leave and paused as he came face to face with Alexander.

Alexander didn’t know what to say. There was no regret in John’s face, nothing that suggested he didn’t mean any of it. Alexander stepped forwards and put the food on the table. He then almost ran out of the room. He climbed the stairs and felt tears begin to trickle down his face.

When he finally got into his room he huddled in one of the corners, hunched over and started to sob.

“Alexander,” Burr’s voice met Alexander’s ears and he shook his head. “He didn’t mean it.”

“Fuck off, Aaron.” Alexander choked out. He’d been an idiot. He’d been such an idiot to believe that anyone wanted him as family. John didn’t care, he never had. He wanted Alexander dead, wanted Alexander to kill himself.

_Probably so he doesn’t have to deal with cleaning you up._

A voice whispered into his ear, a voice that sounded a lot like his cousin.

“No.”

_It’s not like he’d care about you. You’re **worthless**!_

“Alexander!” Burr’s voice snapped Alexander out of whatever was happening. Alexander looked up at Burr through bleary eyes. “John is angry. That’s all.”

“Can you please leave?” Alexander whispered. He didn’t bother trying to be angry, he knew he deserved it. Burr paused before Alexander looked straight at him. “Please, Aaron. I- I need some time alone.” Burr slowly stood. He seemed to be warring with some internal voice but he eventually nodded.

“I’m here, Alexander. For whenever you need me.”

Alexander nodded blearily and closed his eyes again, letting the voice take over.

_He doesn’t care. He’d never care. He couldn’t care about you_

Alexander didn’t bother fighting it, just let his head drop down.

_You’re the problem. You fuck up everything. You killed your mother. You killed your cousin. No-one fucking wants you._

“I know.” Alexander whispered.

_You know what you should do. Make John happy again_

“No.” Alexander’s voice gained a hard edge at that. Before the voice could return he forced himself up. “Not yet.” He walked over to his computer and sat down.

**My dearest Laurens,**

**I love you John. I have so many words and yet I have nothing for my feelings towards you. You persuaded me I was something more than I was. Something more than I am. I should not have done what I did. It was stupid and it hurt you. It hurt everyone.**

**I’m going to do what you wanted me to.**

**I hope you have a good life.**

**-Alexander Hamilton**

Alexander stared at it for a long time before he frowned. That wasn’t good enough.

**My dearest John,**

**I am sorry. I would like to say I didn’t think through my actions but I did. I always think through my actions. I did realise what would happen to you and yet I did it anyway. I knew that the moment there was any trace that your father was hurting you accessible to the media there was no way he could continue to abuse you.**

**You did tell me that I should not tell the world but I had to. I had to leave a marking on this world, a mark that wasn’t a stain. I still do not know if I’ve accomplished that.**

**There is no way your father can hurt you now. There is no way he will hit you, will beat you or shout at you. I know how detrimental it has been to your mental and physical health, I saw the strains you ignored. If you would still wish for my opinion which I understand why you would not, I would tell you to seek help, to stay strong.**

**You are not broken, it is not possible for you to be broken. You are perfect, John but you are hurting. There are people who can help and I wish you all the best getting that help.**

**Our relationship is a much more complex issue. I understand that what I did was terrible. I should never have betrayed your trust in such a way. In all honesty I do not know why I did. I wanted to see what would happen, just as when I first stood up to my first foster family. I wanted to see the pain I could inflict and what people would inflict on me.**

**I’m sorry that I brought you into that when you have never tried to hurt me.**

**You deserve the sun, the stars and the moon. I can give you none of them. I am not like you, John. I am a bastard. I am an immigrant. I am an orphan. I have nothing in the way of qualifications and while my brain is strong there is nothing I have used it for or really ever could. I know that this was always what I was destined for; a young death. I am surprised it took this long.**

**Find someone else, John. Find a man who will make you happy. Do not let this experience sway you. Having me as your boyfriend, having me betray you in such a heinous fashion changes nothing to who you are. Whoever tries to deny that are simply uneducated or too hateful to be helped.**

**You do not deserve what your father did to you. I have spoken before, at great length, about my own feelings on conversion therapy and I beg you to take the same stance. You were not fixed John, you were not saved. You were tortured and you were brainwashed. What happened was not consentful. It was not even trying to help you. It was designed to break anyone and everyone who are anything but the norm.**

**You will always be different from the norm. When I first saw you I knew you would always be. Your soul shines through your eyes John. While that soul is fractures now, is tired beyond its years, it is still beautiful. For everything the world has subjected you to, you have never broken. You have been bent out of shape by a force you had no control over. You have been beaten down and people have tried to break you but you refused. You changed, you evolved, you adapted. Your soul has remained strong and I only wish it will continue.**

**Your freckles were the next thing that stood out to me. I wish I had the time to count them but I fear I shall not be in this world much longer. Even if I lived to an old age I do not think I could. They are constellations painted above the galaxy that is your soul. They are permanent fixtures to a world ever changing.**

**Even when you cry I can still see them. While you cry they remain. They will always be there John but you will not always cry. You will rebuild. You will stand up from the mess that I made of your life. You will step through the destruction and build skyscrapers. You will create beauty where we thought it was impossible. You will bring love, light, happiness and goodness to everyone. Anybody who enters into your life will feel it, as they do now.**

**No more will you hide your imagination. It will run as free as you do. You will do whatever you want. You will fly as soon as you are free from the cage that has restricted you for so long. You will see every wonder you wish and will achieve every slice of glory you have ever wanted for.**

**When it is finally time for you to roost, to come home, you will be. You will build your family and you will be happy. You will be so happy John.**

**If you were reading this then you’d be sceptical right now. You’d ask me how I know this, why I’m so determined that this is the case. My answer is that you are different from the norm. You will do everything you’ve ever wanted because you are John Laurens. You’re my first love.**

**You have survived so much already and it has only ever made you stronger. The childish innocence which was nearly beaten out of you is still there, still growing stronger. I wish with all my heart that that innocence is never quashed. I hope that when you are old and grey that innocence is still there, that you will pass it on to your children and that even in the darkest times you will not give it up.**

**I also hope you will never give up your bravery. I know you, John. You may say that you are not brave but you are. You have been hurt for so long and every time I reiterate that my heart breaks a bit more. You are a lion in amongst hyenas foolish enough to try to harm you. You faced them down, time after time.**

**Even when you are hurt you fight them. You fight for yourself but you fight even more for other people. You’re brave and you are caring. I hope your bravery never flees you, that even in the darkest of times, when all you want to do is give up, that you will stand again. I hope that you will stand again and stare down every single person who tried to pull you down, will dare them to try it again, will hit and kick anyone who tries to hurt you. Your bravery inspires me, John. It will inspire so many others when I am gone.**

**When I met you there was a fire in my chest burning low. I know I am not long for this world. I may burn bright but I never burn long. Soon I’ll burn out, I’ll die and leave this world too early. I have made my peace with that years ago. My only hope now that it is at my hand, that I do it when I deserve it, not at the hands of someone else.**

**You tamped down that fire. You let me believe that it wasn’t worth burning other people when they tried to get close to me. I do not make friends easily, I never have. With you I found my first friend in years. I found you and I clung to you as my other feelings began to develop. As you calmed the fire in my breast you took me into your circles, you let me meet Hercules and Lafayette. While I have done nothing but hurt them that is not your fault. You allowed me the choice and I chose poorly.**

**I often too.**

**I have more to say, I always do. I want to explain to you why I did it but that would be beyond selfish. You do not deserve that. You deserve…**

**Well. There is not a chance in the world that I can explain what you deserve. I do not have the words. I can speak three languages fluently and I can write four. In none of them can I find the right words to describe you. If I had more time I’d learn more, more and more until I was sure to explain you to my own brain.**

**I don’t think those words exist in this world. If I had more time then maybe I’d create them, craft words from nothing for you. I would write you sonnets and would sing your praises to the heavens. I would rearrange the stars to match your freckles. I would tell the sun to learn how to shine from the light inside your eyes. I would change the world to show the John I know.**

**I would command the earth itself to stop moving. If I had to, I’d force it, I would tell the galaxy to watch you for just a moment, to drink you in and try to understand you. I would travel to the furthest points in the universe and beg whatever life exists there to help me describe you. I would sing your praises to everyone, whether they wanted to hear it or not.**

**I do not have time, John. I need to go now. I need to go. I’m sorry I have to leave you but it is not fair what I did to you. You deserve more than anything I could ever do for you and all I did was betray you. I put myself ahead of you. I’m not going to do that now. I’ll grant you your wish, the wish that has crossed my own mind so many times.**

**I cannot live knowing how much I have hurt you.**

**Have a good life John. You deserve everything and never let anyone tell you anything different.**

**-Alexander Hamilton**

**P.S. This isn’t your fault. This is what I want, what I’ve wanted for a long time. You just helped me realise how I could be at peace.**

**P.P.S. I still love you. I’m sorry.**

Alexander stared at that last line, hands hovering over the keyboard before stopping. He didn’t have the words. He wanted them but he’d never find them.

There was no point trying.

Alexander stood shakily and reached for the bottle on his desk. He tipped out the bottle and watched as the plain white pills bounced onto the table.

He carefully arranged them one by one so they spread down the table in a long line. This was it.

He could feel tears rolling down his face but he deserved it.

_You’ve always deserved this._

John would find the letter. He’d find it and he’d understand. He’d understand the words that failed Alexander and maybe he would one day be able to forgive Alexander.

Alexander wasn’t so sure about that last part.

Alexander took one of the pills in his shaking hands and put it into his mouth. His throat didn’t want to open for it, it rebelled against him as if his body was screaming for him to stop, to reconsider. He grabbed for the bottle of water he kept and pushed it down.

He was glad when the chalky taste he expected didn’t appear. Instead his tongue was coated in sugar.

The next one went down more easily. He grabbed for another but paused. This wasn’t fair. This was his way out, his escape, his chance at a happy ending but that wasn’t enough.

He hadn’t done enough. He hadn’t’ been punished enough.

Alexander turned back to his computer.

**Aaron Burr sir,**

**I didn’t say that much about you but maybe I should have.**

Alexander nodded as his fingers began to type. This was what he deserved.

He repeated it as the silence began to close in on him, when each breath sounded like a tidal wave, while he waited for the next hit, while he knew that he was about to be abandoned, he wrote. When someone knocked on the door he didn’t get up, simply let the food be placed on the floor.

That was a punishment he knew.

It was what he deserved.


	28. He Has Flown Too Close To The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter because uh... because  
> As a side note which I meant to make obvious last chapter, Alexander is not dead. The amount he took is not enough for a fatal overdose so while there will be problems with what he's doing it won't kill him  
> Also thank you so much for the response! That was amazing :)

By the morning nothing was better. Jefferson stared over the breakfast table and he could count on one hand how many people were actually eating. Alexander still hadn’t come down since he’d heard what Laurens had said. Burr was in Alexander’s room, doing God knows what. Hercules was staring at his plate blankly while Lafayette watched him, anxiously.

Jefferson was cut off from watching the table as Maria walked in. She paused to take in the table in front of her. They turned to stare and she smiled.

“Hey y’all.” She looked around before deciding to sit next to Hercules. “You gotta eat Herc.”

“Yeah Mari. I know.”

Jefferson stared at the two of them, at what he had done to them. He had never forced himself onto them but he might as well have. He let them be raped, be sold, be blackmailed, just because he thought he knew better. He could have helped them months ago, before anything had happened. He didn’t.

His appetite had vanished. He pushed himself away from the table and strode to his room. He felt ill as he contemplated what could have happened. What did happen.

He hadn’t known about Hercules. He hadn’t realised why Hercules was suddenly so closed off. Looking back, it was obvious. Jefferson felt like kicking himself. He should have seen it. Jefferson let out a curse before he whirled and slammed his foot into the wall. He then put his head against the wall and let out a long breath as the pain invaded his body.

It had happened.

He couldn’t change that now.

There was a quiet knock at the door.

“Come in.” Jefferson said tiredly.

“Tommy?”

“Maria?” Jefferson turned to see Maria walk in. She bit her lip nervously.

“Tommy I- I need you to tell me something. You ain’t allowed to lie. You ain’t allowed to say anything other than the truth.”

“Okay.” Jefferson sat down on his bed, gesturing Maria to sit next to him. She bit her lip before slowly sitting.

“Why didn’t someone come to me yesterday?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why didn’t someone come into my room last night?” Maria asked softly. Jefferson stared at her for a long moment, still not managing to work out what she meant.

“Why would someone come into-” Jefferson’s face paled as he realised what she meant. He stood, putting as much space between himself and her as he could. “Maria,” he fought hard to keep his voice level, “why do you think someone would come into your room?”

“Tommy, you know why!” Maria stared up at him in pain. “Reynolds did it.”

“Reynolds abused you. Reynolds _raped_ you!” Jefferson hissed. Maria sighed.

“All my homes did it, when they figured what I was.”

“Wha-”

“I know my place, Tommy. It ain’t a problem. I just- I just wanted to know. I waited all night and now I’m tired. Just-”

“You stayed up for someone to rape you?” Jefferson’s voice was filled with revulsion and Maria flinched.

“I- Tommy, it ain’t something bad.”

“No. Fuck this. Fuck this!” Jefferson strode to a bag sat in the corner. He opened it roughly and pulled out a small envelope. There were several bills in it and he grabbed all of them. “Stay here Maria. If you don’t feel safe then go get James. Don’t- don’t be scared, okay? I’m gonna _fucking_ fix this.”

“Tommy-” Maria started but Jefferson shook his head.

“I should have protected you before. Let me do this now. Please.”

With that, Jefferson all but ran from the room and left Maria staring after him.

 

The walk into town was a long one but Jefferson didn’t care. His legs ached but he pushed forwards, not letting his body slow him. This was his fault and he was going to fix it. He stormed into a hardware shop and strode up to one of the workers.

“Hello, is there anything-”

“I need everything for a lock and key.”

“What’s this for?”

“A door.” Jefferson stated, not saying anything more. The worker smiled in confusion.

“Kid, do you-”

“I’m not a kid. I can buy this and I need it now.”

Jefferson couldn’t be bothered to feel bad, not really. He was filled with guilt from Maria and Hercules. There wasn’t enough room for this random worker.

After the hardware shop he stormed into the supermarket.

When he was done he continued the punishing pace back to Yorktown. By that time most of the occupants were at school but Jefferson knew that Maria and Hercules wouldn’t go. Alexander was probably still there.

As Jefferson opened the door he was met with Washington’s unimpressed face.

“Hello sir.” Jefferson said before he walked past. Washington put his arm out which effectively blocked his path. Jefferson turned to him, questioningly.

“You skipped school without telling me, Jefferson. Do you have a good reason?”

“I had to buy some things, sir.”

“What was it?”

“They’re private.” Jefferson tried. He was immediately shot down by Washington’s face. “They’re presents.”

“For who?”

“Maria, sir.”

“Show me.”

“No.”

“Son-”

“No.” Jefferson stated. “They are not for you and they’re not going to be used against you.”

“Are they dangerous?”

“No.”

Washington sighed before he nodded.

“Go. If anything if dangerous I will confiscate it and you will both be punished.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jefferson scarpered up the stairs. He only slowed when he reached his door. He knocked gently on the door.

“Come in.” Maria’s soft voice came from the other side. Jefferson opened the door and didn’t miss the fear in her eyes. “Tommy! Where’d you go?”

“I got you some things.” Jefferson sat at his desk, letting Maria stay on the bed. “Maria I think this might take a while but you’ve got to understand some things. You are in charge of your body. You’re not allowed anyone to do anything to it if you don’t want them to.”

“Tommy I know-”

“You do not have to have sex with anyone. Not as payment, not as an apology, never. You have sex when you want it and when the other person wants it. If there is a threat or any reason one of you has to have sex then it’s not sex.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Maria shifted nervously. “Course it’s sex.”

“It’s rape.” Jefferson stated. “It’s rape and it’s illegal.”

“Tommy it ain’t-”

“Reynolds raped you, Maria. He raped Hercules. Every single person who you slept with and you didn’t want it, fully and completely, raped you.”

“That ain’t true.” Maria shook her head, looking sick. “It-”

“That’s going to take you a while to understand. I get that. I _know_ how difficult it is to understand you were a victim. But you will, Maria. You’ll realise someday how fucked up what they did to you was.”

“Please don’t say stuff like that. It ain’t a problem.”

“This stuff is to help you.” Jefferson reached into the bag and pulled out the spray bottle and the whistle. He laid each one on the bed in front of Maria. “I want you to have them on you at all times. If someone tries to attack you, if someone tries to force you to have sex then use the whistle and spray them.”

“What is it?”

“Pepper spray. Aim for the eyes and you’ll incapacitate them. Doesn’t matter if it’s a woman, a man or neither. If someone tries to force you, don’t let them. You got that?”

“Yeah.” Maria murmured, picking up the spray.

“Okay.” Jefferson pulled out the DVD. “This one might not help much. It’s a training course to defend yourself. It might be a good idea to get real lessons but this can get you started.”

“Defend myself?”

“If you have to fight back.”

“Okay.”

Jefferson reached into the bag again and pulled out the lock. Maria’s eyes lit up at the sight of it.

“This is yours. I’ll fit it and you have the two keys. You can lock it whenever you want to. You don’t have to open it for anyone. You can sleep with it locked as much as you want to. Your room is your own. No-one else can get in.”

“Thank you Tommy!” Maria leapt forwards to embrace Jefferson who just smiled.

“Yeah, yeah. Come on.” They climbed the stairs together and paused outside Maria’s room. “This isn’t going to be pretty Maria. It’s gonna work though.”

“Tommy, I don’t care if it’s the ugliest thing in the world. I just…” Maria trailed off. She wanted to be safe.

“Yeah.” Jefferson sighed as he remembered the feeling all too well. “I know.”

 

When the lock was fitted the two sat on Maria’s bed as she turned the keys over and over in her hands. Jefferson smiled gently at her. She was safe, for now. Even though he’d fucked up so badly she was happier now.

“Maria,” Jefferson’s voice seemed to break Maria from some kind of trance, “is there anything else that could make you feel safer?” Maria bit her lip for a moment before nodding slowly.

“Can you- can you cut my hair short?”

“How short?” Jefferson asked. Maria shrugged, self-consciously.

“Real short.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Really?” Maria asked in astonishment. Jefferson just smirked.

“I’ve not got a lot of experience but sure. If you want me to do it now then go get your hair wet. I’ll go get the scissors.” Maria nodded and bounced up, grinning. Jefferson smiled after her before he stood.

The walk to the kitchen, where they kept the scissors, was a long, quiet walk. Jefferson wasn’t sure how many people were still in the house but it wasn’t many. Either that or they were silent. It could actually be either.

Hercules was stood in the kitchen when Jefferson arrived which surprised him.

“Jefferson?” Hercules asked in surprise. Jefferson nodded. “Why aren’t you at school?”

“Decided Maria needed me a bit.”

“Mari? Is she okay?”

“Yeah. She’s okay. She just-” Jefferson shrugged. “Just a bit fragile.”

“Tell me if I can help.”

“Sure.” Hercules turned to leave and Jefferson paused. “Herc, you don’t know anything about haircutting, do you?”

 

Ten minutes later the two were stood in the bathroom as Maria wrung out some of the excess water from her hair.

“So,” Hercules started, “how short do you want it?”

“Real short Herc.”

“To your shoulders?”

“No.”

“To your chin?”

“Herc, I-” Maria’s voice was soft. “Don’t want anyone to grab it.”

Jefferson felt rage begin to boil inside him but he pushed it down. This was his fault, he could at least make it better.

Maria’s words hadn’t even phased Hercules who just nodded.

“Okay. Stay still Mari. I don’t have a lot of experience. It might not look perfect but-”

“I don’t care Herc. Just-” Maria’s voice trailed off into a whimper, “I need it.”

“Okay.” Hercules ran his hands through Maria’s long hair. “Gonna start by cutting most of it off. This might feel odd.”

As the haircut went on Hercules kept talking, mentioned everything he did before he did it. Maria only spoke when she wanted him to cut more off, cut closer to her head. After a while Hercules began to hesitate.

“Are you sure Mari? This is a lot. I mean-”

“Cut it.” Jefferson spoke. “Just- please Herc. Let her have this, okay?”

“Okay.” Hercules sighed. “Turn your head to the left.”

When they were finally finished Maria raised a hand to her head. She carded a hand through it before forming her hand into a fist. Tears began to form in her eyes and she threw herself at Hercules.

“Thank you, Herc.” Maria managed to get out between sobs. Hercules whined and pulled her close. Jefferson watched, an emptiness growing in his stomach. This was his fault. All of this was because he’d fucked up.

Jefferson strode from the room and went to his own room. It felt empty somehow. There was no Maria, no James, no-one. Just Jefferson.

But then again, Jefferson reasoned, that was what always happened. No matter what he tried to do it could never balance out the sins he’d done. Locking Maria’s door did nothing to counteract the months she’d spent with Reynolds. Giving Hercules a way out was nothing when he’d failed to notice what was happening to Hercules. Saving Kitty was worth nothing when-

Jefferson cut off that train of thought. Saving Kitty was worth it. Jefferson had his entire life to regret that night. Kitty had done nothing wrong. Maria had done nothing wrong. Hercules had done nothing wrong. It was, as always, Jefferson’s fault.

He didn’t even notice as tears began to drip down his face.

 

By the time night rolled around, Jefferson still wasn’t ready to face Yorktown again. Instead he feigned a migraine and went to sleep early. He could hear the house talking around him but he did nothing to block the noise out. He wished he could have something to let out these emotions, some way of functioning through them at least, but he had nothing.

As the house prepared for bed, long after the sun went down, there was a soft knock on his door. Jefferson paused as he wondered if he should answer it. Before he could decide, it swung open.

James stood in the doorway, a plate of food in his hand. He stared at the open curtains with a funny expression before looking back at Jefferson.

“What’s going on, Jefferson?”

“What do you mean?” Jefferson asked. James stared at him.

“You don’t get migraines. Not really.”

“I had one for five days two months ago.”

“No, you hid in your room because you embarrassed yourself.” James sat down on the bed and stared at Jefferson. “What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened, James? I let Reynolds rape two of my friends because I was too busy playing grownups!” Jefferson spat it out and James frowned.

“I won’t say I understand why you did it but- you can’t punish yourself over it.”

“Why do you think I am?”

“Because you didn’t come to school. Because both Maria and Hercules have asked me how you are. Jefferson you-” James sighed. “You should never have kept this a secret but you didn’t keep it a secret because you’re selfish. You kept it a secret because you care too much. You-”

“You don’t know why I did it.” Jefferson spat out. James stared at him for a moment before he responded.

“I think I do. Remember when I had that seizure a few months back? The one where I didn’t wake up?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson shuddered at the memory. He hadn’t even got used to James’ normal seizures. Then one day James started to seize and then did it again before he’d woken up. Jefferson hadn’t known what to do, he’d been terrified.

“I asked you to not say anything and you didn’t. You didn’t do that because you were selfish or because you were playing grown up. You did it because you trusted me. You did it because you knew there was no way I’d go to the hospital if you told Washington what had happened. I’m guessing it was something similar with Maria.”

“She didn’t tell me how bad it got. I- I would have done something. God, James. I-” Jefferson broke off, “today I- I had to explain to someone our age what rape is. I had to tell her that people don’t get to touch her. I- she didn’t even understand it. I don’t-”

“There’s no way that’s happened in the time you’ve known her, Jefferson. That kind of knowledge isn’t-” James sighed, “it won’t be your fault.”

“She’s had abusive families in the past.” Jefferson nodded. “I- I should have told someone though.”

“You had no idea how bad it would get. You had no idea about what happened to Hercules. Maybe you could have talked about it before but you didn’t have to. You protected them. That’s a whole lot more important than telling the world everything.”

“Yeah I guess.” Jefferson muttered, not believing any of what James was saying. James sighed.

“Sometimes it’s a whole lot more difficult to say nothing than say everything. Hamilton isn’t a hero in this Thomas.”

“I’m certainly not.”

“What would you have done if you found out Reynolds had tried to kill Maria?” Jefferson’s hands curled into fists and James smiled. “I know you don’t think you’re a hero. Maybe you’re not. But you’re not a villain. You chose to protect them. That wasn’t the worst choice. Not by a long way.”

“Thank you.”

“Eat your dinner. Get some sleep. Come into school tomorrow. It’ll get better Thomas. I promise.”

“Okay.” Jefferson’s voice was soft as James left the room. Jefferson stared at the food he’d left and a smile snuck across his face. Maybe he’d fucked up but he had time to correct it. He had time to try at least.

 

Jefferson woke to his phone ringing. He stared around in confusion before picking it up.

**From: <3**

**Help me Tommy**

In an instant Jefferson was on his feet and out the door. He ran up the stairs and paused as he saw Washington stood outside Maria’s door.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jefferson spat out. Washington turned in confusion.

“Maria needs to come down for breakfast and the door is blocked.”

“You weren’t trying to get in?” Jefferson asked, heart slowing slightly. Washington frowned at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Get away from the door.” Jefferson commanded. He knocked on the door. “Maria? Come on, it’s okay. I’m here.” After a long moment Jefferson heard the door click as Maria unlocked it. She stared out the door, eyes filled with fear. Jefferson just smiled at her. “Come on. It’s okay.”

“Sorry Tommy I just…” Maria trailed off as she spotted Washington. Jefferson turned back to Washington.

“She’s awake. She’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Washington nodded and left. When he was gone, Maria sighed.

“I am sorry Tommy. It just felt real good to lock the door. I know I don’t-”

“I’ll talk to Washington, make sure he understands he can’t try to break the door down. Now come on, it’s breakfast.”

“Thanks for coming.”

“Always.”

 

Throughout breakfast Washington kept on shooting Jefferson and Maria thoughtful looks. Jefferson could feel his protective instincts well up. Maria was obviously uncomfortable but Jefferson was willing to bet that was because of the number of people rather than Washington himself.

Jefferson knew that Washington had never raised a hand to any of them, had never abused them in any way, but he was still worried. Jefferson was always worried. Hamilton had still not made an appearance and Jefferson was even beginning to be worried about that.

At that thought Jefferson frowned and pulled out his phone.

**To: Petit Lion**

**Are you still alive?**

**From: Petit Lion**

**Who is this?**

**To: Petit Lion**

**Guess that answers the question. It’s Jefferson**

**From: Petit Lion**

**Why are you texting me?**

**To: Petit Lion**

**I do actually have a heart you know**

**From: Petit Lion**

**Really? I thought you were just waiting for the next oil can**

**To: Petit Lion**

**If I’m the tin man then who are you?**

**From: Petit Lion**

**Wicked Witch of the East**

**To: Petit Lion**

**So… we end up together at the end of the story?**

**From: Petit Lion**

**What?**

**To: Petit Lion**

**You don’t know that? It’s a Wicked reference**

**From: Petit Lion**

**But what’s it from?**

Jefferson chuckled gently before slipping his phone back into his pocket.

The table was actually talking. Not much but it was a start. The sisters were talking with Lafayette over something for school while James was talking to John. Maria seemed to be having a mostly one sided conversation with Burr. Hercules was still not talking. Jefferson tried not to think about that.

As the people began to dissipate Washington stood.

“Maria, Jefferson, could I have a word please?”

The table instantly silenced itself as the two children stood. Jefferson noticed James staring at him and he just smiled back.

When they were in the hall Washington turned on the two.

“Maria, what was blocking the door this morning?”

“A lock.”

“A lock?” Washington’s voice was emotionless but it made Jefferson bristle. No way was he letting Washington take this away from Maria.

“Ye-yes.” Maria glanced to Jefferson who just smiled.

“Jefferson, did you acquire this lock?”

“Yes sir I did. I also installed it in her door.”

“Well, there aren’t rules against having locks. I would have appreciated a heads up but…” Washington trailed off. He should have learnt to give up on knowing something was happening beforehand when he bought the first traumatised child into his house.

“You mean I can keep it?” Maria’s voice was so happy Jefferson almost wanted to cry. Washington smiled and nodded.

“Do you have a second copy of the key?”

“A what?” Maria’s face dropped and Jefferson stared at Washington.

“By law I cannot have a room in this house which I cannot unlock. It’s a health and safety requirement. If there is not a spare key I can copy one but-”

“Please sir.” Maria whispered. Jefferson curled his hands into fists as Washington frowned.

“It’s the law, Maria. If I do not have a key then you cannot have a lock.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Jefferson hissed out. “Don’t you fucking dare take this away from her!”

“Jefferson!” Washington snapped. “What is the meaning of this?”

“The point is that she wants a lock on her door and I bought that lock. I gave her that lock and you can’t take it away from her!”

“I am not taking it away from her Jefferson. I am asking for a key.”

“You’re who she’s trying to keep out!” Jefferson yelled. He took a breath after that and stumbled back. Washington looked horrified for several long moments before he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath before opening them.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Sir, it ain’t Tommy. I-”

“Tell him. Tell him what you told me.”

“Sir I- I didn’t understand why no-one came in that first night.”

“Came in for what?” Washington asked slowly, as if choosing his words carefully.

“For payment.”

“For sex.” Jefferson supplied. Maria nodded and Washington sighed. He looked away and took another deep breath.

“You want this lock so that no-one will attack you in your sleep?”

“I mean I don’t- I don’t need it sir but-”

“I gave it to her. Sir, you can’t take this away from her. Please.”

Washington sighed.

“I have to have a copy of the key, Jefferson. This isn’t some ridiculous law. If Maria is in danger in her room and I cannot get in then I have failed in my duties as her carer. It is paramount that there is a way into her room that isn’t breaking the door down.”

“Tommy it ain’t- it ain’t that important.” Maria’s voice was soft and her hands shook as she spoke.

“No you-” Jefferson sighed. “You didn’t sleep night before last! You slept last night. It- it worked! And-” Jefferson looked away as he felt anger bubbling inside him.

“Give the key to Tommy.” Maria said quietly. The other two turned to look at her in curiosity. “If something happened he’d be there anyway. Th-this way I know I’ll be safe. Please sir.” Washington contemplated the idea for a moment.

“Jefferson, you would need to be prepared to give me the key if something did happen.”

“I would.”

“But you wouldn’t give it to anyone else.”

“Never.” Jefferson stated. Maria smiled at him and he nodded back.

“Well, then that’s acceptable. Jefferson, before you install anything else in this house, please tell me.”

“I will sir.”

Washington nodded before he strode off. Maria smiled at Jefferson and leant on him.

“You know Tommy this ain’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

“What?”

“Having you as a brother.”

Maria walked off before Jefferson could even begin to formulate a response to that.


	29. You Know Why Jefferson Can Do What He Wants? He Doesn't Justify Schoolyard Taunts With A Response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to make the titles shorter...

It was odd, Burr contemplated, walking into school the day after everyone found out everything. His name hadn’t even been in the pamphlet but everyone knew that he was from Yorktown. Everyone knew what had happened, the secrets and the lies which had all come out in a few pages of writing.

Burr hated it. People stared at him as he walked through the corridors, something that had never really happened before. He knew it would be worse for Hercules, Jefferson, John, Maria and Lafayette when they eventually returned. He didn’t even want to think about how bad it would be for Alexander.

Burr huffed as a mass hit into the side of him. He steadied himself only to find it was Theodosia, hugging him.

“Theo?”

“I heard what happened.” Theodosia mumbled.

“It didn’t happen to me, remember?”

“I know but-” Theodosia pulled back and sighed, “I dunno. I just got really scared, Aaron. What if-”

“Nothing happened. It’s okay.” Burr smiled. “Thank you.”

“What’s happening to them?”

“Well,” Burr started walking towards his first class. He decided to ignore the gazes that followed him, “Hercules, Maria, Peggy and John have all been moved to Yorktown.”

“Wow. That’s a lot of new people. How does Yorktown have that many spaces?”

“Yorktown always has space.” Burr shrugged.

“What about Alexander?”

“I don’t know.” Burr sighed. “He’s- it’s difficult. He shouldn’t have done what he did but he was trying to help.”

“Didn’t he kind of ruin everything?”

“He made sure people were brought out of dangerous situations. He made sure criminals were brought to justice. It’s not my job to try to decide if what he did was right but he did help.”

“And yet none of them are in school.” Theodosia pointed out quietly. Burr glanced at her and sighed.

“If everyone knew that stuff about you would you really want to go to school?”

“I guess not. It’s just- it’s hard thinking about what they’re going through.”

“I’ll keep you updated.”

“Make sure you do.” Theodosia smiled. “I gotta go but I’ll talk to you at lunch?”

“Of course.”

 

When Burr got home the house was quiet. He went to his room, glad of the silence once more. It was only as the evening progressed that he realised Alexander hadn’t come down since his argument with John. Burr frowned before he slowly stood.

He walked up the final flight of stairs and knocked on Alexander’s door.

“Alexander?”

“Who is it?” A rough voice came from inside.

“Burr.”

“Go ‘way.”

“Alexander, are you alright?”

“Go away, Aaron.”

If Burr was a stronger man he would have pushed open the door. He would be the hero he’d needed so many times. He’d be able to help his friend who he could see was hurting so badly.

Burr wasn’t a strong man.

He let his hand slip away from the doorknob and walked back downstairs.

As he entered the living room his eyes were drawn to Maria. Her hair was almost all gone. The hair that remained was just a few centimetres long. On the top of her head more hair had stayed, giving her a fringe that covered half of her forehead. She looked happier somehow. Burr didn’t know how to describe it and he didn’t want to.

 

The next day Lafayette, John, Maria, Hercules and Hamilton were still at Yorktown. However Jefferson was in school.

Burr stuck close to Jefferson. He could feel the trouble in the air that was brewing. He didn’t like it. Jefferson seemed to sense it as well as he seemed content to let Burr hang around him for the day.

It all came to a head at lunch. Burr was sat at the table, deep in conversation with Theodosia. All of the Yorktown children were there. Jefferson wasn’t talking much, just watching the students around him.

At some point Jefferson stood and muttered something about the bathroom. He either didn’t notice the group of other students who followed him or he didn’t care.

It took Burr fifteen minutes to think something was wrong.

“Theo, I’ll be right back.”

Burr strode into the toilets and looked around. There was no-one there. Only one of the stalls was closed. He pushed gently on it and cursed as he saw Jefferson on the floor, lip split and bleeding. His nose was bloody and it was dribbling onto his clothes.

“Shit.” Burr whispered out, crouching in front of Jefferson. “What-”

“I’m fine.” Jefferson choked out. Burr noticed the red marks around his throat and his blood ran cold. Someone had choked Jefferson.

“What happened?” Burr asked as he helped Jefferson stand. When he was on his feet Jefferson wobbled slightly.

“Don’t matter.” Jefferson was already having trouble speaking with the blood dribbling across his face. “This is gonna ruin the shirt.”

“Jefferson, what happened?”

“What the hell do you think happened, Burr?” Jefferson whirled on him, anger bubbling to the surface. “I covered up the rape of two teenagers! I hurt Hercules who is one of the most beloved people in this school! I let Maria get raped, everyone fucking knows who she is! I let it happen because… because what?” Jefferson turned back to the mirror and poked at his lip gently. He winced. He ignored how badly his hands were shaking.

“I won’t pretend I know why you did it but it doesn’t deserve this.”

“Welcome to the fucking world. We don’t get what we deserve.” Jefferson pinched the base of his nose and tilted his head up. Burr watched for a moment before stepping forwards.

“Put your head down.” Jefferson let out a curious noise. “If you hold it up the blood can go down your wind pipe and choke you.” Jefferson raised an eye at that and tilted his head down.

“You’re a strange man Burr.” Jefferson’s voice was nasal as he continued to hold his nose.

“So are you.”

“Don’t understand you.”

“I don’t understand you either.”

Jefferson let out a laugh at that which sprayed even more blood across the sink. Burr stared at it in disgust before looking back to Jefferson. They stood in silence for a while and when Jefferson did speak he did it softly.

“Do me a favour Burr, next time they hit me, don’t find me.”

“What?”

“I can deal with this.”

“Why do you think there’ll be a next time?”

“Because this won’t quite be enough to satisfy them.”

“You could take a few days off, let it all calm down.”

“What do you think they’re going to do to Hamilton when he gets back?”

“You’re doing this for him?” Burr asked in quiet astonishment. Jefferson shrugged.

“They’re going to get their aggression out on one of them. I can take more than that runt can.”

“You care about him.” Jefferson snorted. He then immediately began to cough and hunched over the sink as he spat out a chunk of bloody mucus.

“I don’t give a shit about Hamilton.” Jefferson’s voice was rough from the coughing and Burr didn’t believe a word of it. “He fucked up and hurt everyone I care about.”

“Do you really think he hurt everyone?”

“I think he hurt enough people for me to not give a shit about him.” Jefferson released his nose and breathed deeply as no more blood came out. He then grabbed some paper towels. He wet them and began to wipe away the excess blood.

“That’s not how caring works.”

“Fuck off Burr.” Jefferson spat out. Burr nodded before he walked out. Behind him Jefferson stared at the mirror for several long moments. “Fucking hell I had to do it again, didn’t I?” Jefferson dabbed at the stains on his clothes. “Couldn’t keep my heart out of it. At this rate _I’ll_ need to open a fucking Yorktown.”

 

When Burr got home he tried to ignore how Jefferson had a black eye, something that had definitely not been there at lunch. Instead Burr went to his room. He lay down on his bed and let his eyes fall closed as he began to mull over the day’s events. Suddenly there was a thump from the floor up and he bolted upright.

Thoughts ran through his head until he realised the most likely one; Alexander.

In an instant he was on his feet and was running up the stairs. He didn’t bother knocking on the door, he just ran in.

Alexander was sitting on his bed, clutching his head. His desk chair was on its side which probably explained what the sound had been. Alexander looked a wreck. His eyes were ringed with almost black bruises and his clothes were grimy. On the floor next to the door there were meals carefully placed next to each other. At the end was a heap of cutlery, each one clean.

Alexander hadn’t eaten.

“Go ‘way Aaron.” Alexander slurred out. He stood and stumbled forwards. Burr raced forwards and steadied Alexander just before he collapsed. “’m fine.”

“You nearly collapsed walking three feet.” Burr pushed the chair back up and set Alexander gently on it. Alexander twisted to his laptop but Burr slammed the lid shut. Alexander winced before he just stared up at Burr, his eyes beginning to glaze over. Burr bent down to his eye level but Alexander flinched backwards.

“Please don’t.” Alexander whispered. Burr frowned.

“What have you done, Alexander?”

“I-” Alexander’s voice was croaky. “I’m sorry.” Burr stood to walk forwards but Alexander flinched away again. “Please don’t.” Alexander pleaded softly. Burr stared at Alexander. He was scared of Burr. Alexander Hamilton, the man who told George Washington to fuck off, had just cowered back at him.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Need punishment.” Alexander whispered. Burr sighed. “Fucked it all up.”

“I’m worried about you, Alexander.”

“Please. I know- I know I messed up.”

“Okay.” Burr bit his lip. “You want punishment?” Alexander hunched further into himself but slowly nodded.

“Deserve it.”

“Tell me why you haven’t been eating.”

“Needed to say sorry.” Alexander muttered. Burr frowned before walking over to Alexander’s computer. He opened it up and frowned at the lock screen.

“What’s the password?”

“RachaelFaucette.” Alexander spelt it out and Burr nodded as the laptop unlocked.

Burr stared at the screen in front of him, not sure of what he was looking at. It was a Word document with different titles. Each one of them had a name. There were two for each person. Burr opened his own one and was astonished at the length. He started at the top and paused.

“What are these, Alexander?”

“Apologies.”

**Dear Aaron Burr, sir,**

**I didn’t say that much about you but maybe I should have.**

Burr stopped reading after that. He looked down at the word count and felt the breath being knocked out of him.

“Have you just been here writing apologies?”

“Yeah.”

“And you weren’t eating, because?”

“Don’t deserve it.”

Burr sighed.

“Come on.”

“Where?”

“You’ve punished yourself enough.”

“I _can’t_ punish myself enough.” Alexander began to scratch at the skin just hidden by his shirt.

“John wouldn’t want this.”

“John doesn’t want anything.” Hamilton whispered, curling in on himself.

“Then _I_ want you to stop.” Burr changed tactic but it didn’t seem to change anything.

“Don’t deserve it.” Alexander whispered again. Burr glanced at the other teen’s arm and swore. He strode across the room and grabbed Alexander’s arm. It was bleeding heavily. Burr stared at it for several long moments before he realised that it wasn’t straight lines, it hadn’t been cut in, it had been scratched.

“Why the hell-” Burr looked back to Alexander and the anger died instantly. Alexander was shaking and just staring ahead, face blank. He looked like he was a hundred miles away, as if he was anywhere apart from there. When Burr lowered his arm Alexander didn’t seem to even notice, just continued to stare. Tears started dribbling down his face and Burr cursed softly.

Burr wrapped his arms around Alexander, shifting the teen slightly so he could curl into Burr’s body. He felt anger course through him once more as he felt how small Alexander was, how fragile he looked. This was, at least in part, Burr’s fault.

But he couldn’t think of that now.

“It’s okay, Alex.” Burr didn’t have words, he never did. Now that the anger had left him he realised he didn’t have soothing words. All he could do was pat Alexander’s head and continue to rock him gently. He could feel when Alexander came back to him.

Alexander stiffened in his arms and Burr could feel his head turning gently, as if he was trying to make sure no-one would see him looking.

“I’m here, Alex.”

“Aaron?” Alexander asked softly. Burr nodded and Alexander let out a puff of relief. “Thought you were someone else.”

“I’m gonna let go now.” Burr released Alexander and shuffled back a bit. Alexander stared at him as if confused.

“Wh-why didn’t you leave?”

“Family, remember?”

Alexander hummed in half remembered agreement.

“Alexander, what did you do to your arm?” Burr decided to cut to the chase, there was no point fighting it. Alexander frowned in response before looking down. His arm was bleeding openly and the fingers of his other hand were smeared in blood.

“I- I don’t-” Alexander stared at his hands as if he was seeing them for the first time.

“It’s okay.” Burr said quickly, not wanting Alexander to become agitated again. “Alexander we should go downstairs.”

“Why?” Alexander whispered. He looked so small like this, Burr thought. He looked fragile, as if anything could destroy him. Burr somehow felt a wave of paternal protection sweep over him.

“Because you need to eat. Those meals have been out in the open for too long.”

“I- I don’t-” Alexander hunched in on himself. “They hate me.” He almost whispered.

“They don’t.”

“John wanted me to kill myself.” Alexander’s voice was thick with emotion as tears trickled down his face.

“No. He was angry.”

“Is he still angry?”

“Yes.” Burr replied. There was no point in lying. “But they’re also worried.”

“Is John?”

Burr paused at that. John wasn’t worried. Not once had he tried to see Alexander, not once had he tried to do anything. He hadn’t talked about Alexander or asked after him.

None of them had.

“Yes. He’s worried about you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. He’s confused about why you did this but he is worried.”

“I don’t want to see him.”

“Okay. You still need to come downstairs though.” Alexander whined slightly at that. Burr just frowned.

“What if they try to hit me again?”

“Then you’ll hit them back twice as hard.”

“I deserve it though.”

“Then _I’ll_ hit them back twice as hard. Please Alexander, for me, come downstairs?”

“O-okay.” Alexander stood on shaky legs and Burr smiled. Maybe he could try to fix a few of his mistakes.


	30. You And I Will Build A Strong Foundation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note at the top here. This story contains characters who do lie. I write it in third person limited and so the third person narrator will not lie but the dialogue the characters speak will. If you ever get confused then you can ask me but it will all be worked out in the end. Also, if you do ask me I retain the right to tell you I can't answer that just yet  
> If this is the joy of writing beforehand, the ability to actually put in good foreshadowing, then I might have to write more beforehand

Alexander felt himself drifting away as he wrote. As his lack of sleep crept up on him as well he began to drift. When he did he just began to scratch at his arm. He actually pretended he wasn’t ripping his skin open to begin with. He gave up after not that long. He deserved pain and while there was no-one to punish him he would do it himself.

The house was silent. He knew it wasn’t just his room. Every time he had to pause he could feel the silence press down on him as it forced his breath to come faster. They had abandoned him.

_Of course they have. Why would they want you?_

After a few days, Alexander wasn’t sure what was real anymore. He’d find himself cowering from a shadow but then be fine as the silence continued to grow. His brain began to grow fuzzy which made each word a struggle to get out.

He persevered.

He deserved this.

When he ran out of words he scratched his arm or bit at his nails. The pain focused him, forced himself to think again. It kept him awake

The letters had to make sense.

He wrote one letter to each of them and then hesitated. That wasn’t enough. They deserved more.

_And why the fuck do you think you could give them enough?_

Alexander had to try. He began to format the document easily and began to write new letters. This time he explained what he was going to do when he finished writing the letters. These were far harsher, far more accusatory at himself, of not considering what his friends thought.

When he found himself on the floor with no memory of how he got there he stood back up. He walked to his desk. He sat down. He wrote.

 

When Burr finally entered the room Alexander had finished writing. He’d had no courage to finish the bottle of pills. He should but he just couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that he hadn’t done enough yet. He knew he could have written the letters better, knew that they deserved better.

_They deserve better than you._

As Burr spoke, Alexander wasn’t even sure if he was real. Then Burr wanted him to come downstairs and Alexander suddenly knew. The voice didn’t want him to go downstairs, it said he didn’t deserve to. The silence told him everyone was gone, the hunger said that he was in trouble.

But here Burr was, slowly corralling Alexander down the stairs. Alexander let it happen. When they were downstairs he spotted Jefferson in the corridor. He was watching Alexander with a curious look. Alexander didn’t bother talking to him. He had written down everything Jefferson would need to know.

Alexander took a step forwards and suddenly the world turned black and he crashed to the floor.

When he opened his eyes again there were people crowded around him. He stared at each one of them as he thought of what he’d written, what they’d know. What he needed them to know.

“Hamilton!” Washington exclaimed. Alexander flinched back slightly and Washington retreated. Jefferson was there instantly, moving between Washington and Alexander. Alexander stared at him before closing his eyes again.

“When was the last time you ate?” Jefferson asked softly.

“You sound like you care.” Alexander rasped out. Jefferson stared at him before he looked away, trying to compose himself.

“It’s been a few days.” Burr supplied. “I only found out today.”

“A few days?” Eliza asked in horror. Alexander turned his head to her and smiled.

“Don’t worry.” Alexander slurred out. He frowned, not sure why his voice wasn’t working. “Deserved it.”

“Fuck.” Jefferson muttered. “Come on Hamilton, stand up.” Jefferson put his hands under Alexander’s armpits and tried to haul the much smaller boy to his feet. Jefferson was actually horrified at how small the boy was, how weak he was.

“What’d he mean, he deserved it?” Maria asked. Jefferson shook his head.

“Don’t ask. Now come on, Hamilton.” Jefferson forced the boy to put an arm around his waist, to support himself. Jefferson growled deep in his throat as he saw the blood that had stained Alexander’s sleeve.

“What should I do?” Burr asked quietly.

“Go get some food.” Jefferson commanded. “Food and water. I’m going to move him to the dining room.” It was better to avoid the living room, avoid the mess that could cause.

Jefferson hauled Alexander up as the boy’s legs gave out from under him. He cursed before he pulled Alexander back up. Jefferson sighed before scooping Alexander’s legs from beneath him. He carried him into the dining room and set him down gently on one of the seats. Alexander then turned to him in confusion.

“Why-”

“Why am I helping you?” Jefferson straightened his jacket, afraid Alexander had ripped it. “Because I’m a decent human being?”

“Liar.” Alexander was smiling as he spoke and Jefferson just glared at him.

“What were you doing up there, Hamilton?” Immediately Alexander’s face shut down. Jefferson sighed. “I can help you.”

“Can’t. Won’t.”

“I’d help you with a lot of thing Hamilton.”

“Letters. I- I wrote letters.”

“For who?”

“Everyone.”

“Did you write me one? If you didn’t I’m going to feel very left out.”

“Did.”

“And why did you pass out?”

“Didn’t eat.”

“You wouldn’t have-”

“Or drank much.”

“It’s been-”

“Or slept.”

“Well fuck, you’ve managed it.” Jefferson’s voice was deadpan, only a slight tinge of anger. “You’ve finally managed to work out the formula to fuck up your body. Why the hell were you doing that, Hamilton?”

“Deserved it.” Alexander whispered, putting his head onto the table. Jefferson sighed, the anger leaking out of him.

“No you didn’t.” His voice turned soft. “You did something wrong. That doesn’t make you wrong.”

Before Alexander could say anything else, a bowl of soup appeared in front of him. Jefferson nodded up at Burr in thanks. Burr frowned in worry before sitting at Alexander’s other side.

“Are you going to eat?” Burr asked, coaxingly. Alexander shook his head. He was staring at the bowl and licking his chapped lips.

“Not ‘lowed.”

“Yes you are.” Jefferson said forcefully. “We don’t withhold food here, remember?”

“But-” Alexander trailed off as he slowly reached for the bowl. He stared into it for several long minutes.

“Hamilton I swear to God, if you don’t start eating this I will force it down your throat.” Jefferson snapped after he got impatient. Alexander slowly lifted the spoon and dipped it in. It took him a long time to bring it to his lips but after that it was as if a dam had broken.

After a few spoonfuls Alexander just picked the bowl up and began to drink it. Burr went to do something but Jefferson shook his head. When the bowl was empty Alexander began to lick at it. He glanced up and froze. He pushed the bowl away and stared down at his feet.

“Get him to sleep, Burr.” Jefferson stood. “Don’t do this again, Hamilton. Don’t think I won’t force-feed you if you ever put your life in danger again.” Alexander nodded silently and rose. Burr supported him as they climbed the stairs together.

By the time they had reached Alexander’s room the boy was ready to pass out, however Burr had other ideas.

“Take off your shirt Alexander.” Alexander frowned at that and turned.

“What?”

“Those are the same clothes you were in when you holed yourself up in this room. That was three days ago. Take them off. Put on something else. Pyjamas would be good but I don’t care if you sleep in a set of underpants. You need to get those clothes off.”

Alexander didn’t bother pointing out that he’d gone longer than three days in the same clothes. He had been homeless for months after all. Instead of arguing he just pulled off his clothes and pulled on his pyjama pants. He didn’t have the energy for anything else as he collapsed onto the bed.

Burr wrinkled his nose but collected Alexander’s clothes and turned the lights off to creep back downstairs. Alexander fell almost immediately into sleep.

 

Alexander’s eyes snapped open suddenly. He looked around in confusion, wondering what had woken him. Every nerve was instantly alive and kicking. He wondered if someone was in his room, if someone was about to attack him.

He quietly slid off his bed and crept to the door. Before he got there a boom sounded throughout the house and he fell to the floor, hands over his head. There was a flash of lightening not too long after, followed by yet another boom.

Alexander could feel his heart begin to speed up, his breathing get shorter.

The dark room in front of him began to disappear, bits of broken board rising in its way. His throat was closing as filthy water flooded down his throat. He tried to cough but there was just more water. It surrounded him and dragged him down. He cried out but it just let more water in.

He was going to die.

Alexander flailed violently, knowing that no-one would help him. His mother was gone, his cousin was dead, but even as he thought that the real world began to phase back in. No-one would help him. No-one wanted to help him. Yorktown hated him.

He let out another scream as his leg caught on something, wood far below the surface, and tried to tug him down. Tears were streaking down his face and he was gasping for air that wasn’t there, that had never been there.

The only constant as he lay there, struggling for air, was the thunder, the lightning and the rain smashing down on him. He felt something grasp onto his arm and he twisted away from it, knowing that nothing good could happen here. Somebody was calling his name but he couldn’t reply, couldn’t do anything other than drown.

“Fucking listen to me!” The voice hissed, from what seemed like miles away. Alexander shook his head. There was no-one there, no-one survived. But- but if he knew no-one survived why was he still in the hurricane?

Alexander gasped in another breath and felt it travel into his lungs. There was no taste of the filthy water in his mouth, the taste he hadn’t been able to get out for months. He’d never forget it and yet it wasn’t there.

“Okay, come on Hamilton.”

No-one called him that, no-one used his father’s name.

“You’re not there. This isn’t a hurricane.”

It was, it was raging all around them. There were bodies trapped under the water. But as Alexander looked he couldn’t see them, couldn’t see the blood that had mixed with the sewage in the water. It was as if they hadn’t died.

“This is a thunderstorm. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

There was everything to be afraid of but somehow this voice wasn’t. Alexander took in a shaky breath and he felt hands on his shoulders.

“Fucking finally. You remembered to breathe.”

Alexander took in slow breaths, not once finding water leaking into his mouth. He could still see the water but he couldn’t feel it, couldn’t taste it.

“You’re not on your island. You’re at Yorktown.”

The final piece of the puzzle slotted in and Alexander blinked, the water vanishing before his eyes. In their place Jefferson stood, staring at him in worry.

“Jefferson?”

“You back?” Jefferson’s voice was much softer than Alexander had ever heard directed to him. Alexander nodded shakily. “You were having a panic attack.”

“H’rrcane.”

“I know.” Jefferson said calmingly. “But it’s not here anymore. You’re safe.”

“No-one ‘as gonna save me.” Each word exhausted Alexander but he forced himself to speak anyway. He had to explain this.

“I did, didn’t I? I know no-one was there the first time but we are now. We’re always here.”

“I hurt them.” Alexander whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I could have killed John. I could have killed Maria. I told them you were a- a criminal! I-”

“You messed up.” Jefferson sat back before shrugging. “We all do. Probably not on your scale but still.”

“Why did you help me? Why- why don’t you hate me?” Jefferson sighed at that.

“You know, you might think I’m a heartless bastard but there is more to me than that.”

“But- wh-why now?”

“Because I knew no-one else would come. Washington knew that if he went in here he’d make everything worse. Burr doesn’t cope well with shouting. The rest of them are still furious. I’m not.”

“But I hurt them! I told them what you did.”

“Yeah and I’m pissed about that. But you got Maria and Hercules out of a situation I couldn’t. You got John out of that house and yeah, he got badly hurt for it but he’s out. You got Peggy out of a situation that could have gone south. You did a lot of bad but you also did a hell of a lot of good.”

“Who’d you kill?” Alexander whispered as another crash of thunder hit.

“What?”

“An-Angelica implied-”

“Oh.” Jefferson frowned before he responded. “A man. My old foster father.”

“Why?”

Jefferson sighed, staring off into the distance.

“You can’t tell anybody this. I’m not kidding. This is serious stuff. I- I need you to understand that.”

“Okay.”

“I stayed with the man for a few months and we didn’t get on. He beat me but I made sure none of the other kids ever got hurt. There was a kid there called Kitty who looked up to me like an older brother. I’ve wanted a younger sibling since I was about ten so it worked out. When I left I was going to get Kitty to leave as well but the man threatened her if she left. I let her stay but gave her my number. I got passed around until I ended up with this really nasty family. They’d beat me until I wanted to die and then they’d just carry on with their day. If I didn’t do what they wanted they’d withhold food and warmth. I dealt with it because,” Jefferson scoffed and shook his head. “You know the system. What else was I meant to do?”

“You didn’t try to fight back?”

“They’d hurt the other kids. It wasn’t worth it. Anyway, one day Kitty called me. She said that the man was scaring her. I was done. I knew what it would do to me, I knew that it would-” Jefferson paused. “I know that it would ruin my life but I didn’t care. I went to Kitty’s house and told her to get the children out. I walked in. The man tried to beat me to death and I beat him to it.”

“You killed someone with your own hands?”

“Yeah. The courts ruled it as self-defence. I- I walked in there knowing that-” once more Jefferson paused. He seemed to be battling with himself before he finally continued. “I walked in there knowing there’d be a murder. I didn’t care. I couldn’t let him hurt Kitty anymore. But I got a second chance. I came here. I know you don’t always see it but Yorktown is special. I’ve been moved around all my life, I never lived with my birth parents. I’ve been beaten, starved of warmth, food and affection, whipped, and belittled my entire life. I gave up at some point. I didn’t think anyone could care about me. I still cared.” Jefferson laughed before shaking his head. “I cared too damn much. When I came here I was prepared to fight until it was over, until I was free. I don’t wanna be free anymore. I wanna be here.”

“What changed your mind?”

“James mostly. First day I was here he saw me just after the police officer had left and he approached me anyway. He fell and I thought Washington had been hitting him. He set me straight but in that small window of time I just- I realised I couldn’t abandon him. I couldn’t fight if I wanted him to be safe. So he became the closest thing to a brother I’ve ever had. A real brother anyway.”

“I had a brother.” Alexander whispered. “He died in the hurricane. He- he never saw the real side of my cousin. My cousin liked him. Never liked me. People don’t.”

“What did your cousin do to you?”

“He hated me. He beat me. He hurt me. He tried to kill me. I killed him. I laid underneath his bloody corpse until the police came.”

“Self-defence?” Jefferson asked, with a smile. Alexander nodded.

“Self- defence.”

“We’re very similar, Alexander.”

“Really?”

“It’s interesting actually. I know a lot about Maria. She’s told me almost everything. She actually told me what Reynolds threatened to do to her if she didn’t stop dating Eliza.”

“Really?” Alexander asked slowly, as if picking his words carefully. “What was that?”

“Hurting her and Hercules. Hurting Hercules’ sisters. Making sure that she would never even _think_ of disobeying him again.”

“Sounds terrible.”

“But never once, did Maria tell me anything about Senator Schuyler.”

“Maybe she forgot.” Alexander muttered.

“Or maybe, you care a bit too much about these people as well.”


	31. I'll Be Here For You

When the weekend rolled around Hercules felt no better. It had been a week, a solid week since every secret he had was thrown into the wind and he was no better.

The only contact he’d had with his family was a series of texts from Ellie and his mother on the day. They had asked if it was true, if he’d really done it, why he’d done it. They’d begged him to answer her and he just couldn’t. He couldn’t tell his own family what had happened to him.

When they’d rung him he hadn’t had the strength to pick it up, just let it ring out. None of his other siblings had phones that made it easier at least. He only had to dodge questions from his friends, not his family as well.

Hercules was jolted from his thoughts as Lafayette bounded into the room.

“Mon ami!”

Somewhere in the last week Lafayette had stopped saying mon amour. Hercules was glad in some way. He could say it was because he wanted friendship over a relationship all he wanted but that wasn’t the truth. The truth was that he could still dirty Lafayette and he didn’t dare.

“Hey Laf.”

“We will be going now!”

“Where we going?” Hercules clamoured to his feet and Lafayette grinned.

“To the mall!”

“Why?”

“Gonna give ya the proper montage, darling.” Maria stepped into the room, grinning. She’d been doing that a lot, ever since her hair had been cut off and her door had been lockable. Hercules couldn’t help but think they were connected.

He also couldn’t help but remind himself that he could have solved this so much earlier. He could have told anyone and she would have been smiling like this before.

“Mon ami?” Lafayette’s voice made Hercules jump slightly. “Maria shall accompany us. Washington shall drop us off.”

“I- I don’t have money.” Hercules did. He knew exactly how much money he had and where he kept it in the room. The problem was that the money felt wrong. It felt like Hercules felt, wrong and sick. Maybe that was just Hercules projecting.

It was the last of the payment Hercules had kept on him from Frederick as he hadn’t seen Reynolds again before the pamphlet broke. Looking at it or even thinking about it brought back memories he wanted buried forever.

“Non, non mon ami. The state pays for each of us.”

“I don’t need more clothes.” Hercules could see the doubt that flickered across Lafayette’s face at that. Hercules flushed slightly. He knew that most of his clothes had holes in them, a lot of them were threadbare from too many repairs and many of them had stains. He could explain most of the stains and the ones he couldn’t were shoved deep into his cupboards where he didn’t need to think about it.

“C’mon Herc. It’ll be good to get something new. Anyhow, I need new stuff too.”

“You do?” Hercules asked, doubtfully. Maria nodded.

“Half the clothes I got ain’t gonna cover me up much. I actually wanna spend a winter warm.”

“Okay.” Maria’s words were all Hercules needed to stand. “This had better not take long.”

“Mon ami! It shall take as long as it takes.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s better to just go with it, Herc. Ain’t gonna hurt much is it?”

“I see you haven’t spent much time with Laf.” Hercules grumbled as he left the room.

“I heard that!”

 

When they arrived at the mall, Hercules could feel trepidation rising in his throat. He normally didn’t bother with the big shops, charity shops sold everything he needed. He only ever went to a shop like this when he was getting a special present he couldn’t find anywhere else.

But then Lafayette and Maria were out of the car, waiting expectantly for Hercules. He slowly stepped out of the car and stared around.

“It’s big.”

“You have never been here mon ami?”

“Not often. Always forget how big it is.”

The mall was enormous. From the ceiling hung fake reindeer and large snowflakes.

“It’s nearly Christmas isn’t it?” Hercules asked quietly. Lafayette shot him another pitying look.

“Oui, mon ami. Only a week away.”

“I uh, I forgot, I guess.” Hercules didn’t know how he’d forgotten. He was normally good at remembering Christmas as he had to buy presents for each of his siblings. He guessed that this year he’d just been too busy with Reynolds.

“It ain’t no problem darling. Don’t even get why people celebrate it.”

“I feel as if they wish mostly to gain from it.” Lafayette sniffed, as if personally offended. “No more of the religion.”

“Welcome to corporate America.” Hercules mumbled. “Where do we start?”

“Clothing. This should not take too long, do not worry.”

“And… where would that be?”

Lafayette sighed and walked off in a certain direction. Hercules didn’t even know how the Frenchman knew which way to go or why he was acting as if Hercules was stupid for not knowing.

Hercules sighed as they entered the clothes shop. There was no way this would be quick. Lafayette’s face had lit up as soon as they entered.

Lafayette grabbed a basket and strode off to the male section. Hercules followed him at a much slower pace, taking the time to stare at the prices. They made him shudder as he considered anyone spending that much money on something that wasn’t necessary.

Maria began to wander off towards the female section. Lafayette stared after her for a long moment before he turned back to Hercules. Hercules knew that something was off. He knew that Lafayette wanted to follow Maria. He did as well. He was pretty sure there was a different reason.

“So mon ami, what do you wish?”

“I guess I need a few new tops?” Hercules half asked, half stated. Lafayette grinned and pulled him towards the tops section. Once more Hercules paused at how much it all cost. Lafayette didn’t even flinch as he began to fill the basket. He nattered constantly, about how different colours would do different things for Hercules’ look.

Hercules followed him in dumb silence, not knowing what to say.

“Mon ami look!” Lafayette exclaimed as he ran towards a jacket. “This would be perfect for you!” Hercules was ready to just accept it before he spotted the price tag.

“Holy shit Laf no!”

“What is it?”

“Look at the price!” Hercules exclaimed. Lafayette just shrugged.

“It is nothing, Hercules.”

“What?” Hercules’ voice was strangled as he turned the words over in his head. It was nothing? It would be enough for a meal. It would be enough for Ana to put on weight rather than constantly dropping it. It would make Ellie smile just a bit as she realised they’d make it through the week if he was going to get more.

“Mon ami, the state has-”

“I don’t give a shit what the state gave me, Laf!” Hercules half hissed. “I’m not spending that much money on a goddamn jacket!”

“Hercules, you have almost no clothes.”

“I don’t need more. I have survived-”

“You sold your body. You are not exactly a good example.” As soon as Lafayette had spoken he knew he’d said the wrong thing. Hercules looked away. It felt like Lafayette had slapped him. He knew Lafayette would bring it up at some point but it still hurt.

“I bought food for my family every day. I worked out if my siblings need more clothes or if I should our house in the middle of winter.” Hercules’ voice was soft but dangerous. “I asked myself if I needed more underwear or if I thought I should put more money into our emergency fund. I wondered if I should give money to pay for my mother’s medicine or take the bus home after Reynolds in the dead of night. I know money. I don’t give a shit about what I look like. I won’t let this much money be spent on me.”

“Hercules…” Lafayette trailed off. He dropped his head down. “I did not mean-”

“You did. You meant what you said.” Hercules snapped. “You knew exactly what you meant. And maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m shit at good choices but I know what it feels like to have to survive.”

“I am sorry.” Lafayette’s voice was soft and Hercules sighed.

“Okay. Put- put the stuff back please, Laf.”

“You do need more clothes.”

“Then we’ll go to a charity shop.”

“Mon ami please, let me do this.”

“Laf-”

“I did not see it.” Lafayette’s accent began to come through as he became more upset. “I did not see my friend, my lover, become sick. I did not see what Reynolds did to you. You are good at hiding, mon ami but not that good. I failed. As a friend, as a boyfriend, as everything. You suffered to remain with me while I did nothing. _Please_ , let me do something for you.”

“You weren’t gonna buy this with my money were you?”

“Non. I get some money from my trust fund every month. I want to spend it on you. Please let me. I have more money than I need and you- you are my friend, Hercules. Please let me at least feel better about this.”

“Okay.” Hercules manged to get out from the lump in his throat. “O-okay. But please don’t spend too much.”

“For your happiness I could not.” Lafayette took Hercules’ hand for a moment before he dropped it as a smile slipped onto his face. “We have enough here. Go find Maria, please.”

“Okay.” Hercules knew what Lafayette was doing. He knew that Lafayette was getting him away seeing how much it was going to cost. Hercules still felt a bit of guilt but it was matched and overpowered by a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. He smiled. It was one of his first since the pamphlet broke.

Hercules navigated through the woman’s clothing before pausing. A dress had caught his eye. He frowned and approached it. It looked like a dress he’d seen before but for a long moment he couldn’t place it.

Then it came to him; it was the dress in Lafayette’s wardrobe.

It had been months ago. Lafayette had been sorting through his wardrobe and Hercules had been sitting on his bed talking. Hercules had thought it was a bit odd that Lafayette had a dress, even more so that it was shoved in the back of the wardrobe. It was there alongside a top of four colours. Lafayette had lingered over them for a moment, trailing his hand over the dress before he shook his head and shoved them both into a box.

At the time Hercules hadn’t bothered to ask about it. Now it made a whole lot more sense.

“He’s not a boy.” Hercules muttered quietly. In all the rush of the pamphlet he’d completely forgotten about the few words Jefferson had said about it. Hercules checked the price tag and smiled gently. It was still too much but it wasn’t so much that he couldn’t stomach the idea.

He took the dress off the hanger and wandered over to the counter. He kept on glancing behind him as he tried to make sure Lafayette didn’t spot him.

“Buying for a girlfriend?” The cashier asked. She smiled sweetly as she carefully placed the dress into a bag.

“Something like that.” Hercules took the bag and began looking in earnest for Maria. When he couldn’t find her he stepped outside the shop and scanned the area for her. He eventually spotted her and his blood began to boil.

Seabury and a boy he didn’t know had backed her into a corner and she was glancing around in fear as if trying to find an escape route. As she looked around, one of the boys leant forwards and tugged at her top. She squeaked in fear as she pulled it back up.

Hercules strode over and he could soon hear what the boys were saying.

“How much would you cost?”

“It ain’t like that anymore.”

“I could make it like that.” Seabury took a step closer and Maria shuddered. “Name your price, whore.”

“Get the hell away from her.” Hercules growled. The boys turned and Seabury paused before he grinned.

“Wanting to take her place?”

“What?” Hercules asked, anger evident in his voice. Seabury didn’t seem to get the hint.

“You want to bend over for us yet?”

“Fuck off, Seabury.”

“How many people did you let fuck you, Herc? How many times did you beg for more? You liked it didn’t you? You liked being controlled. I can fucking control you if you like.” Hercules felt his breath catch in his throat at the words. Half of his brain screamed at him to punch Seabury but the other half screamed at him to stay still, to just take it, to hide.

“Back off, Seabury.” Hercules’ voice shook slightly and Seabury noticed it.

“Do I scare you? Or are you so desperate? How does it feel Hercules? To know that you’re nothing more than a cheap-” Seabury never got to finish that sentence as someone punched him. Hercules didn’t even realise who it was until there was a torrent of French. Hercules didn’t speak French and he was fairly sure that Seabury didn’t either but in that moment neither of them had to.

“C'est un morceau d'écume! Comment oses-tu lui parler comme ça? Tu n'es rien! Je vais te tuer! Vous ne méritez pas de lui défier le foutre! Enfoiré! Vous êtes un putain de bâtard ignorant qui ne peut rien imaginer au-delà de son ego! Tu n'as aucune idée de la vie d'Hercules ou de ce qu'il a sacrifié. Il a fait plus que vous pouvez jamais croire! Tu es putain de poubelle pour imaginer tout ce qu'il a fait! Vous êtes le pire de l'humanité et vous méritez une mort longue et lente pour cela!”

“Laf!” Hercules grabbed Lafayette and pulled him back. Lafayette fought against him as he tried to punch Seabury again. “Calm down.”

“Non! Laissez-moi aller et je vais lui donner un coup de poing!”

“Laf!” Hercules snapped out. “He’s not worth it!”

“He is worth nothing!” Lafayette stopped struggling in Hercules’ arms. Hercules glanced at Maria who still looked terrified.

“We should go.” Hercules muttered. “Now.” He could already see some of the customers staring at them. That was apparently what happened when someone screams at someone else in French.

“Come on Laf.” Maria added quietly. She stared back at the boys and shuddered. When they were out of the mall Lafayette was released from Hercules’ arms. He glared at Hercules.

“Vous devriez avoir laissé me battre la merde. Il le mérite bien.”

“English, Laf.” Hercules corrected. Lafayette frowned.

“He deserved much worse than you gave, mon ami.”

“He _was_ pretty scary.” Maria muttered. She glanced at Hercules before she continued. “They were saying real bad things Herc.”

“Like what?”

“Like they- they were gonna pay me. That if I didn’t accept money they’d do it anyway. That they’d- you know.”

“Shit.” Hercules cursed. “That’s not gonna happen, Mari. I’m not going to let anyone touch you, okay?”

“Thanks.” Maria muttered. “What do we do now?”

“I shall call Washington.” Laf grumbled. “I wished to show you much more, Hercules!”

“We can save it for another day.” As Lafayette walked a short distance away Hercules realised he was still holding the bag with the dress in it. “Mari,” Hercules whispered, “give me some of your bags and take this one. Don’t let Laf look in it.”

“What is it?”

“It’s-” Hercules bit his lip. He couldn’t tell Maria what it was, couldn’t break that promise. “It’s his Christmas present. It’s a secret.”

“That’s sweet. Don’t worry Herc, I ain’t gonna peek.” Maria handed Hercules some of her bags and took his.

 

When they got back to Yorktown Hercules and Maria climbed the stairs and switched the bags back again. Hercules stared at the dress before he stood. He walked the short distance to Jefferson’s door and knocked. After a short moment Jefferson called him inside.

Jefferson looked like shit. One of his eyes was swollen and his lip was split. He was bent forwards, as if his stomach had been hurt as well. Hercules didn’t bother asking. Jefferson never gave him a real answer anyway.

“I need help on a present for Laf.”

“A present?” Jefferson coughed and winced as he did. “You only just getting Christmas presents?”

“I was a bit busy before now.” Hercules said dryly. Jefferson smiled before he slowly stood.

“What were you thinking?”

“I’ve got it actually. It’s in my room.”

“Lead the way.” Jefferson didn’t make a noise all the way there but he looked exhausted when he was in Hercules’ room. Hercules gestured to the bed for Jefferson to sit. The teen took a seat gratefully. Hercules closed the door before continuing.

“It’s a bit odd.” Hercules warned. “It’s just- you were telling me that stuff about Laf. About him being- I don’t remember. Just not a boy.”

“Laf didn’t quite settle on a term. When this shit dies down I’ll help him figure it out. Until then,” Jefferson shrugged, “Laf’s not a boy. I don’t think Laf’s quite a girl but they’ll figure it out.”

“I’m going to forget those pronouns so much.” Hercules groaned. Jefferson smiled.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“What?”

“Laf’s only just settled on those pronouns. They haven’t told other people. Treat them with respect. If they correct you or ask you to call them them then do it. Otherwise just be civil. Anyway, where’s the present?”

Hercules turned to the bag and carefully pulled out the dress. Jefferson smiled as he saw it.

“I saw something in his wardrobe that looked like this. He- they sorry, they looked at it as if it was something magical. The next moment they were shoving it in the back of the wardrobe as if they hated it.”

“Laf didn’t tell me anything about a dress. I think they’ll love it.”

“Good.” Hercules smiled. Jefferson stared up at him for a moment before he spoke.

“Why don’t you hate me?”

“Pardon?”

“You should hate me for what I did. I-” Jefferson sighed, “I let Reynolds hurt Maria and then- Maria said stuff about you Herc. Never enough for me to understand but-”

“Why are you hurt?”

“What?”

“Every day since the pamphlet you came home with new injuries. You’re a mess. What happened?”

“People at school are hitting me.”

“Why aren’t you hitting back?”

Jefferson looked away for a moment. He looked as if he was trying to formulate an answer. He gave up after a few moments.

“I deserve this.” Jefferson tried not to think about how similar his words were to Alexander’s. “I- I didn’t go to the authorities the moment I knew Maria was being abused. He- he raped her for months when I knew. I could have- I could have saved her, Hercules! Instead I hid my head in the sand and-”

“She talked about you a lot.” Hercules spoke over Jefferson. “She talked about how you’d help her when she came to you crying. She was never scared of you, Jefferson. I still scare her sometimes. I- I wish you’d told someone about Maria before but I also know that we would have hated you if you did. She had her reasons for keeping it private. The moment she told you about me you were willing to open your trust fund to me. You were ready to give control of that trust fund to Angelica for no reason other than to help me.”

“So you don’t hate me?”

“No. Of course not! I- I don’t agree with you on a lot of things but I don’t hate you. You were Mari’s safe haven when she was being abused and you were ready to do the same to me. I’m not mad.”

“Oh.”

“Next time fight back. Let them know you won’t just take it anymore.”

“I can deal-”

“Please. Laf’s getting worried about you.”

“For Laf then.” Jefferson smiled before standing up. He let out a slight whimper but schooled his expression into a cool mask. “Thank you Hercules.”

“Thank you for helping me with the dress.”

Jefferson smiled and walked out the room. Hercules stared at the dress for a moment longer before gently laying it down before he folded it. After everything Lafayette had done for him the least he deserved was a good Christmas present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't often save Laf's French cause I shove it through google translate immediately. This is one of the first times I saved some of it. So if you want to know ask me in the comments.  
> Also, if any of you watch Thomas Sander Sanders sides videos then I'll be posting a story very soon. About as happy as this one tbh. If you haven't watched those videos then do, they're gr8


	32. What Comes Next?

Angelica was sleeping peacefully. Was, being the most important part.

Peggy sat up and screamed. Instantly the peaceful sleep of both of her sisters was gone. Angelica rushed to her side and scooped her up into a hug.

“Angie…” Peggy half sobbed into her sister’s shoulder.

“I’m here. ‘Liza’s here. You’re safe.” Angelica whispered. “You’re safe.”

Peggy continued to sob loudly before her sobs slowed and eventually stopped. She didn’t stop clinging to Angelica as if her life depended on it. After several minutes Angelica slowly pulled away from Peggy and stared at her.

“What was that?” Angelica asked softly. Peggy wiped her nose on her sleeve and ignored the tut of disapproval she got from Angelica for it.

“Nightmare. Thought he was there and- and he was hurting you Angie. Kept on screaming about how it was our fault Mom died and then he- he noticed me and…” Peggy trailed off with a whimper. Angelica collected her into a hug again.

“He’s not going to get us. We’re safe.”

“Angelica tell her the truth.” Eliza commanded from her bed. Angelica shot a glare at her but Peggy had heard it.

“Th-the truth?”

“Dad’s not in jail, Pegs.” Eliza shifted closer. “There’s no evidence he sexually assaulted anyone.”

“But Maria-”

“Maria was threatened with it. She broke up with me before anything happened. He might get something for historic child abuse but that doesn’t matter.”

“We’re going to get restraining orders.” Angelica snapped. “I’m not letting him anywhere near any of you! I-”

“Please stop, Angie.” Peggy whispered.

“Stop what?”

“Stop trying to cover up the truth. Stop trying to protect me. You- how old were you when he first hurt you?”

“Pegs-”

“Tell her, Angelica.”

“What?” Angelica whirled on Eliza who shrugged.

“Pegs deserves to know what happened to you, Angelica. You kept the truth from her before and it didn’t help.”

“I-”

“I know you were trying to help us. To help both of us but it didn’t work.”

“Okay.” Angelica sighed. “He first hit me the day Mom died.”

“The day I was born?” Peggy asked in horror.

“Yeah. I was being a dumb kid. I wanted to know where Mom had gone and my dad just snapped. He slapped me but he didn’t do anything else. Next time wasn’t for years. I was ten. He was drunk and he hit me. He passed out and when he woke up he didn’t even know what had happened. After that it just escalated. You know how much he used to drink, Pegs.”

“Every time he drank he hit you?”

“Not every time. Not at the beginning. By the last few months yeah. In the beginning it was only when he was drinking away his sorrows or his stress. He took it all out on me.”

“Did he ever hurt you badly?” Angelica paused for a moment. She wanted to say no, to protect her baby sister. Eliza stared at her, as if silently begging for Angelica to tell the truth.

“He broke my ribs a few times. He broke my arm. He broke my nose. He threw bottles when he was really bad and I had to get the shards out myself.” Angelica couldn’t look up, couldn’t meet Peggy’s horrified stare.

“You started to wear makeup just so you could cover up the black eyes he gave you.”

“I know. I didn’t say this wasn’t fucked up. I just-”

“You did that alone?” Peggy’s voice was thick with tears. “Why?”

“Because I thought he’d change, Pegs. I was an idiot. I honestly believed that he’d go back to how he was before Mom died. I- I thought I could have my father back. I didn’t give up.” Angelica sniffed before she brushed away the tears that had formed in her eyes. “Then he hit Eliza. I- I couldn’t wait for him to change any longer.”

“Let me get this straight,” Peggy’s voice was suddenly filled with anger and Angelica shrunk in on herself. “He broke your arm and you didn’t leave until he hit Eliza?”

“I could deal with it. She-” Angelica didn’t manage to finish her sentence as Peggy launched herself at her. Peggy was sobbing again and Angelica gently patted her back.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Angelica! You- you should have told me! You should have got out!”

“I wanted him back, Pegs. I wanted him to be Dad again. I- I thought he would stop drinking. I got him to go to meetings. I hid all of the alcohol in the house.”

“Did he buy more?”

“No. He beat me until my ribs broke and then forced me to tell him where they were.”

“Angie… I was such a brat. I- I wouldn’t listen to you. I just thought that-”

“I never told you anything, Pegs. I get why you didn’t trust me.”

“Why did you let me go back?”

“Because I still thought he could change. I- he never hit you Peggy. Not once. He didn’t blame you for Mom’s death like me.”

“He blamed you for her death?” Peggy asked, astonished. Angelica nodded.

“Only when he was very drunk. He’d say that I shouldn’t have been born, that if I hadn’t been born Mom would be alive.” Angelica’s voice was soft.

“She died in childbirth!” Peggy exclaimed. “In my birth!”

“Dad wasn’t always the most understanding.” Angelica shrugged. “I just- he hit me plenty but he only hit Eliza once. He hit her when she tried to protect me. He never hit you. I thought that maybe it was just me. I was getting what I deserved and-”

“You didn’t deserve it.” Eliza said softly. Angelica shrugged but Eliza walked forwards. ”Angelica, you sacrificed everything for us. You sacrificed everything to keep us together. When Peggy wanted to go, you let her. You protected us for years and didn’t stop even when we told you to stop. You didn’t deserve anything he did to you. None of us did.”

“Thanks.” Angelica could hear how thick her voice was. She could feel the tears which were dribbling down her face. It didn’t feel real until Eliza and Peggy wrapped their arms around her, promising they were still there in the only way she could believe.

 

As the sisters prepared for school there was silence. It was no longer uncomfortable silence, it was companionable. It was also well received after the nightmares of both Alexander and Peggy had put Angelica on edge for the rest of the day.

At the dining room table they received a shock; Alexander was downstairs.

His eyes were rimmed red and he looked ready to collapse into his bowl of cereal but he was downstairs and very much alive. As they entered his head snapped up and it looked like it took a moment for him to realise who they were.

Eliza took a seat next to him and he nodded at her. He was wolfing down his meal as usual and finished it quickly. When he had, he paused for a long moment.

“I shoulda told you sooner.” Alexander’s voice was rough and scratchy. Angelica glanced at him and sighed.

“Yeah. You should have.”

“I didn’t want her to be hurt.” Hamilton gestured to Peggy. “I should of come to you.”

“How long did you know?” Eliza asked quietly. “Before you published it I mean.”

“A day? Less?” Alexander shrugged. “Can’t remember.”

“You can’t remember?”

“I- I lost track of days.” Alexander admitted quietly. “What with writing it and then printing it all off and- yeah.”

“When was the last time you slept?”

“Last night. Was pretty shit sleep though with the storm and everything.” Alexander rose and started to walk towards the door. Before he could leave the room Peggy spoke up.

“Thank you Alex. I- I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t told me.” Alexander paused for a long moment before nodding. Angelica frowned at his retreating back. It was as if he knew more than he’d told everyone, as if he was hiding some kind of secret.

Angelica frowned. That was ridiculous. He had told the world everything, had unearthed every dirty secret in Yorktown. There was no way he had kept anything back. He had even included Thomas being a criminal for apparently no reason.

“I wanna go to school tomorrow.” Peggy said quietly. Angelica nodded.

“I think that will be good for all of us.”

“Will Maria be back?” Peggy asked Eliza. Eliza just shrugged.

“We haven’t talked about it much. She doesn’t really feel safe going back to where it happened but she also doesn’t want to be left alone here.”

“Bit of a problem there.” Jefferson walked into the room as James trailed behind him. Instantly Eliza and Peggy were glaring at him. Angelica just frowned as she stared at the bruises adorning his face.

“What happened to your face?”

“Don’t worry Angelica, nothing that could hide my irrefutable beauty.”

“The bruises aren’t what stops that.” Peggy spat out. Jefferson stared at her evenly before he looked around the table. He sighed before rising. James went to stand as well but Jefferson shook his head.

“Stay here, James. I’ll go eat somewhere else.”

James stared as he left the room before he turned back to the sisters.

“Don’t make this worse for him.”

“Worse for him?” Eliza asked in astonishment. “He covered up for a child rapist!” Peggy shuddered slightly at that and Angelica squeezed her hand.

“What happened to his face, James?” Angelica asked softly. James sighed.

“He’s being beaten up at school because he covered up what happened to you, Peggy. Because he knew about Maria and Hercules.”

“Why doesn’t he fight back?” Eliza asked in horror.

“He thinks he deserves it. I understand you’re angry, you deserve to be. What you have to understand is that Maria and Hercules _begged_ Thomas to not say anything. Thomas is too protective sometimes. There was no way for him to get Peggy out without revealing too much about Maria.”

“But-”

“Pegs, leave it.” Angelica spoke over Peggy. “I don’t trust him, James. I can’t bring myself to trust him or like him but I’m not going to hurt him. Neither will my sisters.” Eliza nodded straight away. Peggy nodded after a moment. “Just make sure he doesn’t pull this bullshit again.”

“I had no idea he did it in the first place.” James looked exhausted and Eliza frowned.

“He didn’t tell you anything?”

“No. He only talked about it after the pamphlet came out. Even then, he didn’t talk about Peggy. I don’t know if that’s because he didn’t like the subject or if he was too busy apologising for the other stuff. He knows that what he did was over the line. He’s not tried to defend any of it. He’s just said that Maria and Hercules made him promise. It’s not a great excuse but it’s the one he’s giving us.”

“Do you believe that?”

“I don’t think he kept it quiet maliciously. I think he shouldn’t have kept it quiet but he didn’t keep quiet to be cruel. He did it to help Maria and Hercules.”

“So I was collateral?” Peggy spat out. James just shrugged, looking tired.

“As I said, I don’t know what he was thinking when he didn’t say anything about your father. That was out of line.”

“It was.” Eliza added softly.

James just sighed in response and stood to leave. Angelica watched him for a moment before, to her surprise, Peggy spoke up.

“You don’t have to go. You-”

“I know. I’ve got a headache.” With that he stood and left, leaving just the three sisters in his wake.

 

Eliza was the next to rise from the table. She walked up the stairs and paused as she spotted Maria. Maria wasn’t wearing the tight fitting clothes she usually did. Instead she was wearing an oversized top that nearly reached her knees. She was also wearing a set of baggy tracksuits. Her hair was mussed up from sleep and she smiled at Eliza as she spotted her.

Fuck, Eliza thought, she’s hot.

“Hey doll.” Maria stepped forwards and smiled at Eliza.

“Hey.”

“Anything wrong?”

“N-no.” Eliza took a breath and forced herself to calm down. This was dumb. She’d dated Maria! She’d nearly slept with Maria!

But there was something different about Maria now. She looked so much happier as she stood there in baggy clothes and hair that barely touched her skin.

“Well I was gonna go eat.”

“We need to talk about this.” Eliza stated. Maria’s smile faltered.

“How’d you mean?”

“You dumped me. I know why you did it but…”

“’Liza I ain’t the type you want.”

“Don’t I get to decide that?” Eliza asked softly. Maria sighed.

“Trying to help you, doll. I ain’t like you.”

“What are you like?”

“I’m-” Maria shook her head. “Please don’t make me say it doll. We both know. I did bad things. I don’t wanna spread that to you.”

“You won’t. Maria, you dated me despite knowing how dangerous it would be. I like you, Maria. I really like you and I wanna-” Eliza frowned. What did she want? She wanted Maria. She wanted Maria to sit next to her, to lean her head on Eliza’s shoulder. Eliza wanted to hold Maria’s hand, wanted to kiss her. “I want you to be happy, Maria. If that doesn’t include me then,” Eliza took in a deep breath, “then that’s fine. I can deal with it. I couldn’t deal if us dating made things worse.”

“Doll, I gotta think about it.”

“That’s okay.” Eliza smiled. “Take as long as you want. I’ll wait for you.”

“That’s pretty sappy, doll.”

“Part of the package, I guess.”

Maria smiled before she walked down the stairs. Eliza watched her go with a smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact of the chapter: in the original version, Angelica was mtf trans and had been out about it since before her mother died and she therefore came into the story much more with Laf's storyline which is about to come out (they do still bond but it's in a much more Laf experimenting with his femininity and Angelica being the female who he trusts than anything else) I cut it pretty early on because it just wasn't quite working with all the other things going on (the sisters chapter in Yorktown wasn't coming to me easily and so introducing Angelica as trans and then everything else... it was just too much even though I'm now kinda sad I didn't do it)


	33. We'll See Where We Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SNOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed Sunday's update I know! I'm sorry. I got sick and my brain wasn't really working properly (if i responded to any comments take them with a pinch of salt. Sorry) basically I lay on the sofa complaining to my family who got very tired of that very quickly :) I'm all better now and there'll probably be an extra chapter somewhere to make it up to y'all. But for now, SNOW!

One thing Jefferson hadn’t quite factored in when he kept Maria’s secret was just how angry other people would get. He knew how angry Hercules’ family would be and how angry their friends might be but he could have dealt with them. Even though it hurt to have Lafayette avoid him it was an emotional pain.

He had never thought about how angry the people in school would be.

Hercules was well loved. Even if he didn’t have many friends he had a lot of acquaintances and they all knew how gentle he was and how loving. They also knew how cold and sarcastic Jefferson was.

Jefferson knew that not all of the people were hitting him because of Hercules. Plenty of them were hitting him because they could, because he wouldn’t hit back.

But he took it. He took every single blow no matter how much it hurt. He was used to being hurt, to being beaten down to nothing and standing up again. He knew what it was like to feel pain at every breath, both in his ribs and his throat.

He didn’t deserve it, not really. He deserved something but not that. He didn’t care. As long as something was being done to him he could hope to atone.

Even so, he was beginning to dread school. School was just one more place he could get hurt. At Yorktown at least no-one was trying to punch him anymore. At Yorktown he had to avoid the sisters, Lafayette, John and Washington. Seeing as only Maria and Hercules had actually accepted his apology talking to the others was awkward to say the least.

He didn’t have any friends at school, no proper ones. He stayed with James and every part of his reputation chased away any potential friends.

So his days were lonely. He was used to that as well.

He’d just forgotten how much it hurt being beaten and ignored. It had happened so much he’d expected to just fall into the routine but he couldn’t.

Every other time he’d been expecting it at least partly. He’d been expecting someone to raise a hand to him and had never been really surprised when they did. Everyone always did. Everyone did, apart from Washington. He’d hoped he’d never be hurt at Yorktown.

He hadn’t, he reminded himself, until he went and fucked up everything. That day when Maria came to him he should have let her fuck him, should have let it happen, closed his eyes and pretended that nothing was wrong. God knows he had more than enough experience with that.

But then she’d started crying as soon as he refused. Everything came tumbling out after that, as they were both half naked in a store cupboard. When Maria had said everything she could he’d just held her for a long moment.

He’d whispered to her that it would be okay, that they’d figure it out. After that she’d offered to fuck him and he’d turned it down, disgusted that she thought sex could be payment.

Jefferson sighed. He’d never even bothered thinking more about that, wondering why Maria had offered it so freely. She did consider it payment, payment for being kept safe and for everything else. It was revolting and it was all Jefferson could do to persuade himself that it wasn’t his fault.

Jefferson pulled himself out of bed. He had to go to school again. They’d hit him and he’d endure it just as he had before. Just as he would again. He slunk over to the window and opened his curtains. He then paused as a wave of relief hit him.

The street was covered in snow which looked several inches deep. Jefferson let out a long sigh. He was safe. He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands, carefully avoiding the bruises he had amassed.

After a moment he stood and walked down the stairs with a bounce in his step. There were only two more school days. If the snow stuck around for tomorrow he’d be safe until after Christmas.

The breakfast table was actually full for once. Alexander was sitting next to Burr and seemed to be able to avoid the worst of the glares. Maria, Hercules and Lafayette were in a group next to the sisters. James sat an empty seat over from Maria which Jefferson slipped into. Jefferson glanced at James’ plate before he chuckled lightly.

“Got enough?”

“I’m hungry.” James muttered as he stared down at his plate. It was much more than what anyone else had but Jefferson decided to not say anything more.

“Have you seen the snow?” Maria asked, excitedly.

“It ain’t that exciting, Mari.” Hercules added. “It’s just snow.”

“It’s horrible.” Alexander added. He immediately fell silent as gazes switched to him.

“Really?” John snapped. “Why?”

“It’s cold.” Alexander shrugged.

“Of course it is, it’s fucking frozen water.”

“Language.” Hercules muttered. John shot him a look. Alexander hunched in on himself further if that was possible.

“I get it’s frozen water. It’s just that everyone seems so intent on romanticizing it to a ridiculous extreme when they don’t get that-”

“Go on, enlighten us then. What don’t normal people understand that Alexander fucking Hamilton does?”

“Language.”

Alexander shrugged. “It’s cold.”

“You fucking said that already.”

“Language.”

“Shut the fuck up, Herc.”

“I dunno.” Alexander muttered, not meeting John’s eyes. John scoffed and shook his head.

“Finally, something you don’t fucking talk about.”

John stood at that and stormed from the room. Alexander watched him go, a confusing mix of emotions on his face. No-one tried to comfort him. The table slowly broke into normal conversation but Jefferson couldn’t help but stare at Alexander. Why wouldn’t he like snow?

“Any thoughts on why Alexander was so weird?” Jefferson whispered to James. James stared at him for a moment as if he was insane.

“Snow is cold.”

“I would never have guessed.” Jefferson deadpanned. James continued to stare at him.

“Jefferson, he was homeless.”

“Oh.” Jefferson stared at Alexander who had hunched in on himself and had already finished his food.

“I don’t like snow and I didn’t even have to sleep outside in it.”

“Why don’t you like the snow?”

“Moved here in winter. My parents went out to get some medication for me and the car skidded on ice. I was stuck in my house. No heating, no blankets, no nothing.” James shrugged. It wasn’t a nice story but he’d told it enough times. “I kept on getting worse and all I really remember is how the snow did it. If it hadn’t snowed that night my parents wouldn’t have died. I wouldn’t have been sick.”

“Yeah. I think you have a good reason to hate snow.”

“I’d guess Alexander hates it because he might have had to sleep in it a few times.”

“Yeah.” Jefferson stared at Alexander. “Maybe.”

 

After breakfast it was quickly decided that a snowball fight was imminent.

James didn’t want to take part. He said something about a sudden headache. Jefferson glared at him for that. James didn’t want to end up with a faceful of snow like he had every other snowball fight.

There was only one problem.

That left nine people _and_ Alexander.

When Alexander heard that he shuddered slightly before he agreed to take part. John glared at him but then again that was nothing new. John always glared at Alexander. It was as if all of the love John had felt for him had vanished, had been replaced with hatred.

Jefferson was pretty sure Alexander didn’t feel the same way. The way he stared at John, with a mixture of self-loathing and adoration, explained just how much he regretted what he’d done.

“Okay so,” Washington strode down the line, staring forwards as if he was back in the army, “Time to pick teams. Angelica will be one captain. Jefferson you are the other.” Jefferson looked up in surprise at that but nodded and stepped forwards. “Each of you shall pick one person until everyone is chosen. Jefferson, you can start.”

“Oh no please, ladies first.” Jefferson grinned at Angelica who just rolled her eyes.

“Peggy.” Angelica said.

“Eliza.” Jefferson smirked at the glare Angelica shot him.

“Hercules.”

“Lafayette.”

“John.”

“Maria.”

Angelica glanced between the last two; Burr and Alexander. She didn’t want Alexander to be picked last but the thought of having him on her team…

“Alexander.” Jefferson said. Alexander stared at him in surprise before Angelica nodded and he slowly walked to Jefferson’s team.

“You each have five minutes before we start! Anyone who gets hit three times is out. Play fairly.” With that Washington strode to where James was stood at the edge, wrapped in several layers.

Hamilton glanced around and began building up a small pile of snowballs. He must have worked out that John would be aiming for him and him alone.

Jefferson ignored the rest of the team, setting up his own snow pile a little way away from the others. He glanced at James and smirked as a plan formed in his mind. When the time was up Jefferson immediately threw a snowball. It caught James off-guard and made him fall to the floor as he spluttered.

“Sorry!”

“It’s fine.” James muttered. He was smiling as he got to his feet.

Jefferson grinned and got a snowball to the gut in payment. He glanced around to see Angelica smirking. Jefferson rolled up a ball of snow and threw it at her, narrowly missing.

The fight continued in a similar vein. Jefferson managed to hit James three more times before Angelica finally got him out. James was glaring at him and Jefferson just shrugged.

“I’m a bad shot.”

“I hate you.”

Jefferson looked back to the fight just in time to spot Alexander nailing Angelica.

“How many lives does Alexander have?”

“He’s got three. Burr’s got one and John has three.”

“Wait, are they the only ones left?”

“Yeah,” James sighed, “you were the captain, you were meant to keep track.”

“Got side tracked.” Jefferson shrugged.

“Yeah. How the hell do you flirt with Angelica by throwing snowballs at her?”

“It is a talent, my friend.” Jefferson muttered. John threw a snowball which Alexander barely ducked. “How long has John been trying to kill Alexander?”

“From the beginning.” James sighed. “I reckoned that if he could get it all out something might get better.”

“And if he does kill Alexander?”

James was silent.

John had run out of snowballs and he ducked down as he scrambled for more. Burr and Alexander popped up at the same moment. They stared at each other for a moment before Alexander cried.

“There’s still time!” He was grinning broadly, despite his clothes being soaked.

“My friends will tell you, I’m a terrible shot!” Burr smiled and took aim. Alexander went to throw but Burr got there first, the snowball striking right between his ribs. Alexander stumbled backwards as the snowball left his hand. It hit Burr in the shoulder and he cursed before he walked off the field.

Hamilton struggled to his feet and before he could get there John threw a snowball. It hit Hamilton’s head and he went down. Jefferson frowned and craned his neck up. Most of the other kids were gathered in their own groups as they muttered to each other.

John bunched up another snowball, compacting it down. Jefferson frowned at that.

Angelica glanced over to the field and paused. She glanced at Jefferson as if asking what to do. Jefferson just shrugged.

“Get up, Hamilton.” John hissed. Alexander froze at that. He was lying face down in the snow and yet he didn’t move as John threw the snowball at his back.

Alexander was officially out.

John picked up a handful of snow and began to compact it down. Alexander did nothing, just lay there.

“Jefferson-” Angelica whispered. Jefferson nodded. John threw the snowball. It hit Alexander from point blank range and he spasmed quickly.

“Get the fuck up.” John hissed. The other kids were turning to watch the scene as Jefferson and Angelica broke into a run. John’s face twisted into rage and he kicked out viciously. His foot connected with Alexander’s side who did nothing but shy away from the kick. “GET UP!”

“John!” Angelica snapped as she grabbed him. John stared at her and then paused. The anger drained from him and he shook her arms off.

“He deserved it.”

Jefferson hunched over Alexander and gently placed his hand on the teen’s back. As soon as he did, Alexander flinched.

“Alexander?” Angelica asked softly.

“’Gelica?” Alexander whispered. “C-can’t be here.”

“Why not?” Angelica whispered as she sat down. Alexander’s breathing was all over the place as he glanced around in obvious fear.

“Gonna come back.”

“Who is?”

“Co-Conway.”

“And who is he?”

“Fos-foster parent.” Alexander whispered. Jefferson cursed quietly. Alexander flinched as if he’d been struck.

“Jefferson,” Angelica whispered. Jefferson nodded.

“Time to go inside.” Jefferson called to the other kids. They were staring at Alexander and it took several shouts for them to move. In that time Angelica had managed to coax Alexander from lying to sitting hunched over. He was shivering violently.

“It’s okay.”

“Gonna hurt you.” Alexander whispered.

“Alexander,” Jefferson crouched in front of Hamilton who didn’t meet his eyes, “look at me.” Alexander slowly turned his eyes to Jefferson. “What do you see?”

“Sn-snow.”

“What else?”

“You. Angelica. Th-there’s a tree.”

“Was we at Conway’s?”

“N-no.” Alexander frowned in confusion.

“Okay. What can you smell?”

“Co-cold.”

“What else?”

“Baking.” Alexander whispered. Jefferson nodded.

“Can you smell what it is?”

“Br-bread?” Alexander asked. Jefferson nodded again.

“What can you feel around you?”

“Cold.”

“What else?”

“T-too cold.” Alexander hunched in on himself and Angelica sighed.

“Should we move him inside?”

“I don’t think that’ll help.”

“Do-don’t wanna leave. He- he’ll hurt me.”

“Alexander, touch your hat.”

Alexander frowned before he reached a shaking hand to his hat.

“What does it feel like?”

“Woollen. Warm. Snow covered.”

“That’s right.”

“He wou-wouldn’t give me a hat.”

“He wouldn’t. He’s not here. I’m here. Angelica is here.”

“Bu- cold.”

“It was a snowball fight.” Angelica whispered calmingly. “You weren’t in any danger.”

“Scared. I ha- had to though.”

“Why did you have to?”

“Jo-John. Maybe if I- if he hurt me enough…”

“It’s time to go inside.” Jefferson said with a sigh. Alexander slowly stood.

“Jefferson should we-”

“He needs to get warm.” Jefferson spoke over Angelica. “He probably won’t want me in the room. I’ll go to the others.” Jefferson stated. A hand shot out and he frowned as he looked to Alexander.

“St-stay.” Alexander whispered. Jefferson stared at Angelica in shock. She just shrugged.

“Okay. I’ll stay, Alexander. I’ll stay.” Jefferson stood and winced. Angelica stared at him.

“What was that?”

“Uh-” Jefferson blinked a few times, obviously trying to come up with an excuse. “You throw your snowballs too hard, darling. Hurts worse than being shot.”

“You’ve got a lot of experience there?” Angelica asked, wryly. Jefferson scoffed and shook his head.

“Not yet.”

“Yet?”

“Have you seen the way your little sister is looking at me?”

As the two continued their conversation Alexander kept quiet. The words kept him grounded.

 

When Alexander was dry and wearing new clothes he was silent.

He sat on his bed and stared down at his hands.

It was a bit awkward.

“What happened out there, Alexander?” When Jefferson got no answer he sighed and sat down next to Alexander. “You had a flashback.”

“Yeah.” Alexander muttered.

“Wanna talk about it?” Alexander shook his head. “You should talk about it with someone.”

“It’s- I can deal with it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Since when did you give a shit about me?”

“Since you started punching people who hurt James. When in your most selfish and self-destructive moment you decided to protect Peggy and bring her back to her sisters. I am not your friend Alexander but you’re making it better here.”

“John hates me.”

“Not really. He’s angry and he doesn’t seem to be capable of overcoming it.”

“Thomas Conway. He-he was my foster father. Used to lock me outside.” Alexander huddled up in on himself as he spoke. “He did-didn’t mind me ta-talking but if I pissed him off then I’d be thrown out-outside.”

“And you’d be expected to stay there?”

“Yeah. There was a shed I normally got into but it didn’t help much. Got pneumonia. Conway beat me and broke my ribs and then said it was from me coughing so much. No-one cared.”

“How many houses had you been through by then?”

“Two others.”

“And they’d both kicked you out?”

“I wasn’t a fit for one of them. Down in South Carolina. I kissed a boy.”

“Homophobic?”

“Just a bit.” Alexander smiled at that. It died quickly. “Conway threatened me. Said no-one would believe an immigrant. No-one would care about me. He was right.”

“Stop being pathetic, Alexander. Hercules cares about you.”

“He did punch me.”

“He’s forgiven you for what you did though. Maria has as well. Lafayette cares about you. Most of the people in this house care about you. A lot. Maybe they’re pissed right now but they’ll stop soon enough.”

“If I- I explained it would that help?”

“You’d need to write a fucking speech to explain it to some people.”

“I wrote letters.” Alexander whispered, as if to himself. Jefferson waited but as there was no new information he sighed.

“Come downstairs, Alexander. You need to be around other people right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Off topic here but Alexander being afraid/ hating snow is an ongoing theme in my fics because of my first Hamilton fic which I never finished (it was lovingly called Hamilwings because I am wing!fic trash) it was this high school au/ modern au/ wing au/ foster au/ ??? au which would probably have been longer than this fic if I'd ever finished it. (Alexander has a relationship with five different people throughout it and only one of those is cheating) it had Madison as some great big hulking bad guy who had got Jefferson to cheat on Lafayette and just... idk if I'll ever finish it but I fucking adore Hamilwings. Unfortunatly I probably used too many things in this fic that were meant to be in that fic so who knows


	34. Set The Record Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS!!!

On Christmas morning Lafayette woke slowly. He fumbled for his phone and smiled as he saw the words appear on the screen. It was Christmas.

With his parents Christmas had been a messy affair. He would get up before the sun had even thought about rising. He’d beg them to come downstairs, jump up and down on their beds until they finally relented.

They used to scold him about that but he’d always be able to see the smile on their faces as they walked downstairs.

There would always be a pile of gifts for him and he’d rip them apart as his parents watched on. He’d exclaim in surprise at each one and mumble thank yous before moving onto the next one.

In the evenings Lafayette was often dropped off at a friend’s house or a nanny was hired. He didn’t mind that bit as he got to stay up later. When he was older he’d be invited to one of the Christmas parties his parents attended.

The year after, he decided to stay home.

It hadn’t been as good with George and Charlotte. They still gave him a pile of presents but they were somewhat removed from what Lafayette wanted. He still said thank you but the French caught in his throat as his adoptive parents smiled down at him.

There had never been a question as to whether Lafayette would accompany them or not. The first Christmas after his father’s death he was dressed up and paraded in front of the elites of America. They’d cooed over his French and Lafayette had wished with all his might that he could sink into the floor.

Christmas’ now were better but he couldn’t forget George and Charlotte’s. George would get drunk almost every single time and Lafayette didn’t like that. He didn’t really have the words to explain the feeling he had when George got drunk.

It was as if George’s sanity slowly faded. When he was tipsy he just laughed harder. When he had too much there was a gleam in his eyes that scared Lafayette.

It was the same gleam that he’d had when he trapped Lafayette beneath his foot, as he brandished the dress and forced Lafayette to apologise when he’d done nothing wrong.

Lafayette was broken from the thoughts as there was a gentle knock on the door.

“Entrez!” Lafayette called. There was a pause before the door opened to reveal Hercules.

“That means come in, right?”

“Oui, mon ami. Come.” Lafayette gestured to his desk chair and Hercules took a seat. He was clutching a bag to his chest and Lafayette stared at it in confusion.

“Laf we never got the chance to discuss what you said to me the night before the pamphlet. About you- you not being male.”

“Hercules-” All of Lafayette’s joy had drained away. He was shaking slightly. He didn’t think he could cope if Hercules rejected him on Christmas day, “I know you did not mean what you said. It is something best put aside and-”

“I didn’t think. I didn’t mean you to think I didn’t accept you Laf. I was just-” Hercules huffed out a sigh. “I was a damn mess that day. We- we need to have a proper conversation about that but maybe… maybe not today. When you’re ready, come talk to me. I- I don’t have experience with any of this but I’ll accept whatever you say. I swear.”

“Mon ami!” Lafayette stood and threw his arms around Hercules. Hercules chuckled gently before extricating himself from the Frenchman’s arms.

“There’s something else. I- I don’t understand what you meant. Not fully. But,” Hercules bit his lip, “I have an idea. I think your previous family kicked you out because of it. But Washington said you were picked up from the hospital.”

“Oui.”

“Here.” Hercules offered the bag to Lafayette who took it slowly. “I- I didn’t really have time to wrap it properly.”

Lafayette frowned before he looked into the bag. He carefully pulled out the clothing and felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Hercules…” Lafayette trailed off as he stared at the dress. That same writhing guilt started in his gut. It was as if he could hear George all over again, as if he could hear every derogatory name he’d been called for liking dresses. “I- I-”

“I get that it might not be the best gift. I just- I saw a dress in your closet and figured-” Hercules shrugged, “maybe it wanted to come out? And I know you like dresses Laf. I- it would take an idiot to not notice. Ev-every time you go shopping you just stare at the dresses and the skirts. I thought it was just that you like dresses. Didn’t think it was a gender thing but- I still don’t know but-”

“Mon ami, if you continue you may explode.” Lafayette smiled at Hercules’ ramblings. Hercules’ face broke into a smile.

“Is it okay?”

“It is wonderful.” Lafayette stared at the dress as he tried to work out the feelings in his gut. There was still that pull towards the dress, a want for the completeness he had felt but George’s voice overpowered it. He set it down gently. “Why did you give it to me now?”

“I dunno how open you are to telling other people. It’s your choice of course but I didn’t- didn’t wanna put you on the spot.”

“Thank you mon ami.”

“Laf I- I do wanna have the conversation. I’ll support you. I know you said something about me being gay so not wanting you but- I- I don’t care? I _do_ want you. I want _you_ and your gender doesn’t change that.”

“Thank you.” Lafayette whispered before hugging Hercules.

“Could I uh- could you put it on?” Hercules asked softly. Lafayette nodded. Hercules turned away and Lafayette pulled off his pyjamas. He grabbed a pair of boxers before he stared at the dress. The emotions in his gut were roiling but Hercules wanted to see. Lafayette took a breath and slowly pulled the dress on.

He felt complete. Lafayette felt tears begin to dribble down his face. Hercules turned around in worry but Lafayette shook his head.

“Il est parfait.” Lafayette pulled Hercules into a hug again. “Merci beaucoup.”

“Why’re you crying?” Hercules asked as he pulled back slightly. Lafayette just chuckled as he wiped his tears away.

“I do not have the words to describe it. I am right.”

“You’re right?”

“I am correct. I- I am me.”

Hercules smiled at that and slowly pulled Lafayette back into a hug. Lafayette longed to kiss Hercules but he held himself back. The teen had said before how difficult that could be for him on some days and Lafayette didn’t want to bring down the mood.

“Do you want to wear the dress downstairs?” Hercules whispered. Lafayette stilled before shaking his head. “Okay. That’s fine.” Hercules pulled back, instead reaching for Lafayette’s hands. He glanced down at Lafayette’s chest and frowned. Lafayette followed his gaze and flushed.

“Mon ami-”

Hercules put his hand against Lafayette’s chest and slowly traced the red lines Lafayette had carved into himself.

“When’d you do it?” Hercules asked softly.

“A few weeks ago. Mon ami-”

“Have you done it before?”

“Oui.” Lafayette’s voice was soft and Hercules nodded. Lafayette slowly raised the bottom of the dress. It revealed the shiny scars. “I- this was when George found the dress. I- he beat me for the first time. I could not live feeling not complete.”

“You tried to kill yourself?”

“Oui.” Lafayette raised shuddering hands, palms up, to Hercules. Hercules took them gently and traced a finger over the raised lines.

“Oh god, Laf. I never knew.”

“I did not wish you to know.” Lafayette shrugged. “I- I am better. It was just… something happened which I could not deal with. I did not intend to die with these,” Lafayette gestured to his chest, “Jefferson found me quickly and he helped me.”

“I should’ve been there.” Hercules whispered. He was still staring at the scars and Lafayette grasped his hands which forced him to watch Lafayette.

“You are here now, mon ami. That is all I shall ever ask.”

Hercules nodded and then leaned forwards. He dropped a light kiss to Lafayette’s mouth. Lafayette smiled.

“Merry Christmas, Laf.”

 

When the two had calmed down they made their way downstairs. Lafayette was wearing jeans and a shirt he’d dug up from the back of his cupboard. Hercules didn’t ask too much but he knew it was important. Lafayette had traced the different colours; black, purple, yellow and white, a few too many times for it to mean nothing.

Angelica gave Lafayette an odd look for the top but nobody else found anything strange with it.

As breakfast continued Lafayette could feel the excitement around the table. He looked around the table and wondered how each of them had spent their Christmas’.

James had spent most of them at Yorktown. Jefferson, Aaron and Alexander had spent most of their Christmases in the foster system. He wasn’t sure what Maria’s Christmases would have been. He actually dreaded to think.

When breakfast was done, everyone moved into the living room. The pile beneath the tree was nothing like the one Lafayette would have got at George’s house or even his parent’s house. But these were real. They each represented the other children deciding what to spend their little money on.

Alexander sat in the corner as the presents were shared around. Few went to him but that wasn’t surprising. He had only been there a short amount of time and it felt like he had already poisoned everyone against him with what he had done.

Lafayette still couldn’t help but feel sorry.

Burr was the first to give a present to Alexander. It was a toy of some kind of blue alien. Hamilton’s eyes lit up as he stared at Burr.

“Ohana.”

“Family.” Alexander whispered as he pulled the toy to his chest. Hercules was staring at the exchange with furrowed brows.

“Hercules, what does it mean?” Lafayette asked quietly.

“It’s from a kid’s film. Ohana means family and family means no-one gets left behind or forgotten.”

Lafayette glanced around the room and realised that everyone else knew what had just happened. Burr had returned to his seat as if nothing had happened and instead everyone was staring at Alexander.

“Did Burr just call Alexander family?” Lafayette whispered. Hercules shrugged.

“I’ve never seen Burr take a stance on anything when there’s this few people to support him.”

“Beginning of something new?”

“Dunno, Laf.”

Eliza was the next to give something to Alexander, despite the glares form Peggy. Alexander stared at her in confusion before opening it. It was a pocket sized leather-bound journal. Alexander leafed through the pages and grinned.

“Thank you.” Alexander smiled up at Eliza who just nodded. She sat back down and then it was Hercules’ turn. He passed a few out to the other children before he paused. He pulled a small soft toy from his pocket. He passed it to Lafayette who frowned.

“Que?”

“It’s my present to you.”

Lafayette stared at Hercules for a moment before he looked down at the thing in his hands. It was a small teddy bear which fit perfectly into the palm of his hand. It was wearing a miniature flower crown and a dress. Lafayette smiled down at this.

“Where did you get this from?”

“I made it.” Hercules sat down.

“You can sew?” Hercules turned to Lafayette.

“Yeah, course I can sew.”

“I had never…”

“My mom taught me. Used to make and sell toys like these.” Hercules stared down at the doll for a moment before shaking his head. “Haven’t done that in a while.” Lafayette had the sense to not ask.

The present giving continued until it was Alexander’s turn. The room turned to him as he stood. Lafayette frowned at that. He hadn’t expected Alexander to have anything to give.

“These are- uh- they’re not exactly uh, normal but they…” Alexander trailed off and shrugged. He walked around the room and handed out an envelope to every person in the room. Hercules’s one was bulging while Lafayette’s was nearly flat. “You deserve them.” Alexander sat back down and Hercules slowly opened his.

Lafayette saw emotions flicker over his face before he stared at Alexander again.

“Is this-” Hercules stared back at the paper and took a deep breath. The others began to open their own letters. Lafayette saw his name at the top of the page and saw the beginnings of an apology. His was only a few pages long. He glanced at Hercules’ and shuddered at how thick it was.

“They’re apologies.” Alexander hunched into himself. “They- they’re explanations. They…” Alexander trailed off as if he had nothing left to say. He knew that everything they needed to know were in those letters, everything they needed to know and so much they would never want to know.

 John was the first one to speak. He stood and stared Alexander in the eye. Alexander shifted as he stared at his ex-boyfriend. John kept his gaze before he strode to the door. He dropped the envelope, which Lafayette could see was almost the same size as Hercules’, into the bin.

“I don’t want a single fucking thing from you, Hamilton.”

Alexander flinched as if John had struck him but did nothing to defend himself. The silence in the room became deafening, even to Lafayette. Nobody in the room was reading the letters. They were just waiting for something to happen.

It didn’t help. Not really. Lafayette knew that whatever Alexander’s intentions had been, the outcome was the same thing. He’d been outed before he wanted to. Alexander had outed Hercules, had aired every dirty little secret as if he had any right to.

Alexander slowly stood and left the room. No-one stopped or followed him.

“You should read them.” Burr spoke up after a long moment. He immediately fell silent again as if it had taken all his energy to speak those few words.

“Why?” Peggy spat out. “He-”

“Because this is what he was working on after it happened.” Jefferson interjected. He stood and stared at the other children. “This is what he was doing just before he collapsed from hunger and dehydration and exhaustion. This is what he did as soon as he published the pamphlet.” Jefferson walked over to the bin and pulled out John’s letter. He folded the tab of the envelope down again. “Read them. I’m sure it’ll be very interesting how he explains his actions. Read them and then judge him. He fucking deserves that.”

Washington nodded, a letter in his own hand. “Lunch is at one o’clock. Until then, you can do whatever you like.”

“Come on.” Hercules said softly. “Let’s go to my room.”

“Oui. I- I think we need to know. I think we need to know now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be John and Alexander finally fucking talking so the angst shouldn't be too much longer. Well... their specific angst


	35. You Have No Right To My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the shortest chapters in this fic, posted on Saturday to make up for me missing an update last week. So there will still be one tomorrow :)

John stormed into his room. His breath was heavy as his rage built. He screamed and threw one of his text books against the wall.

How dare Alexander think that he could give anything to John? How dare he imagine that he could fix what he had broken? How dare he-

John threw another textbook and took primal satisfaction as it slammed into the wall.

He stared at the wall before collapsing to his knees. He was angry and so he lashed out and hurt anything he could. How did that make him different to his father? At that thought John began to sob. This was his first Christmas without his family.

He had few memories of a Christmas with his mother. She had left far too young for that. He had plenty of memories with his father. He knew that he’d hated them, that he’d spent the day wishing they’d be over.

Now it just hurt, knowing that he’d never have a Christmas with his family. If he went anywhere near his father he’d be beaten. Maybe his father wouldn’t stop next time.

John looked up as there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?”

“Jefferson.”

“Come in?” Jefferson rarely talked to John. He was pretty sure that the other boy had never been in his room. Jefferson walked into the room and closed the door behind him. “Did you- did you want something?”

“Well you’re a mess.”

“What?”

“I get that it’s nice to hate Alexander. It’s awfully therapeutic actually. But not for you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you still like him. Because I saw you when he had that panic attack.”

“Just because I’m mad at him doesn’t mean I want him to have a panic attack.” John muttered. Jefferson nodded.

“It also doesn’t mean that you don’t care. Just-” Jefferson held out an envelope and John glared at him as he recognised it as the one he’d thrown away. “Read this.”

“Why should I?”

“Because he apologises. I didn’t see him apologising for any of the previous shit he’s pulled. He apologises for this. In mine he talks about how he should have talked to me, how he shouldn’t have attacked me, how he shouldn’t have said what he did. How he should have trusted me and kept his mouth shut I know you don’t really agree with him on that but he meant it. I didn’t read yours but it’s bigger than anyone’s apart from Hercules.”

John carefully took the envelope and frowned at it.

“He- he apologises?”

“Haven’t read it but probably.”

“I don’t wanna-”

“John,” Jefferson spoke over him, “Alexander’ll hate me for telling you this but he fucking deserves it. These weren’t apologies. These were his suicide notes.”

“What?” John’s blood ran cold and Jefferson shrugged.

“He wrote these in the days after the pamphlet when he didn’t leave his room. He didn’t eat, sleep or drink. He had a bottle of pills he stole from James. He took some of them.”

“How do you-”

“Angelica told me about them before. Burr came to me and said Alexander was talking about killing himself. Do you really think I would have let those things stay for a second longer? I took the actual pills and replaced them with sugar pills. I checked the bottle the day he came back down. He’d taken some.”

“Enough?”

“No. Nowhere near enough. He meant to though. When we finally got him to come downstairs he was talking as if he was ready to die.”

“I told him to kill himself didn’t I?” John whispered in horror. “Oh God.”

“This isn’t your fault. He fucked up. This is his way of making it right.”

“But-”

“Read it, John. I can’t tell you how to react to it. No-one can. But I can tell you that to read it.”

“Okay.”

With that Jefferson left the room. John stared at the envelope in his hand and slowly opened it.

**My dearest John,**

**I am sorry. I would like to say I didn’t think through my actions but I did.**

 

By the time John had finished reading the letter he was crying. He wanted to not believe it, to just pass it off as Alexander’s ramblings but he couldn’t. It felt so real, real in a way that John didn’t fully understand.

Alexander was sorry. Alexander seemed to hold John in a regard John didn’t even understand. He was- he acted as if John was a God.

John suddenly stood. He left his room and walked up the stairs. He opened Alexander’s door, not even bothering to knock. Alexander turned and his face paled. He slowly rose.

“John?”

“You’re an idiot.” John started. He held the letter up and Alexander stared at it. “You’re such a fucking idiot.” John walked forwards, ready to hug Alexander. Alexander flinched backwards and John paused.

“So-sorry.” Alexander muttered. “I didn’t-”

“I fucked up, Alexander.”

“Wh-what?” Alexander looked up, as if he couldn’t understand what John was saying.

“When my dad hit me it was easy to blame myself. I- I had to be angry at someone or I wouldn’t be able to cope. All these years I figured it was my fault. Because I was gay, because I wasn’t good enough, whatever. I just- I just believed that it was my fault. When you published this it- it let me be mad at you.”

“You deserve that.”

“No I don’t. I shouldn’t have been angry at you, Alexander. Well maybe a bit but you- you were easy to blame. If I blamed you then I wouldn’t need to feel like a failure. I wouldn’t need to think about how I- everything my father said about being gay. It could be your fault.” John shrugged. “It was easy.”

“I shouldn’t have done what I did.” Alexander’s voice was soft and he was hunched in on himself.

“No. You shouldn’t have. But I shouldn’t have done half the shit I did either.” John sat down on the bed and Alexander sat back down at his desk. “It was easier to be mad at you then think about it. If- if I didn’t have to think about you then it- it wouldn’t be a betrayal.”

“John I still-”

“Don’t.” John’s voice was hard. “I don’t want to talk about that. I- I need to not hate you but I don’t think I can love you right now.”

“Okay.”

“Just- I- what I’m mad at isn’t you outing me. It’s not even that you knew what my dad would do. It’s that you didn’t tell me. You outed me when I had told you I didn’t want it. I- you brought up this dumb idea before and I told you not to. I can’t trust you anymore, Alexander. I sure as hell can’t be in a relationship with you. There’s no trust.”

“Okay.”

“I-” John sighed. “I’m still mad. I’m furious but it- I can’t stay this mad at you.”

“Thank you.”

“Also, stop working yourself to death.”

“What?”

“Jefferson told me what these letters were. I-”

“What did he say they were?”

“Suicide notes.” At John’s words Alexander looked away. John sighed. “He was right.”

“I-”

“I should never have said that to you, Alexander. It was uncalled for and insensitive. You’ve told me before that you’ve considered it but I just forgot.”

“It’s okay.”

“It really isn’t. I wanted to hurt you. That’s never okay.”

Alexander made a noise of agreement and John sighed.

“Come on, let’s go downstairs.”

“Can we-” Alexander paused, “can we stay here? Just for a bit?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.”

 

The rest of Christmas day somehow passed without anything else happening. By the time evening rolled around they were all sitting in the living room watching something on the TV.

Everyone seemed a bit more comfortable with Alexander in the room. Jefferson was sniping at him and Alexander was actually beginning to snipe back. Peggy was still glaring at him but apart from that everyone was just watching him, as if they didn’t know how to feel.

John understood that. He’d thought that Alexander hated him, that everything they’d shared was gone. He’d thought that he’d been abandoned once more. In the end it seemed that Alexander still cared for him, cared for John more than he’d ever known.

It was too much to understand and it looked like Alexander didn’t even realise that. John had never felt the amount of emotions Alexander gave him. Everything about Alexander was like fire. At some point John had been lit and he didn’t want to be put out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i do the fluff right?


	36. Something They Can Never Take Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not fluff, as a quick warning  
> Also if you ever wonder how Jefferson is lounging or slouching, think of Draco Malfoy from AVPM. That's the best way I can describe his movements when he's relaxed

On New Year’s Eve Washington called Hercules into his study. They stood across from each other for a long moment before Washington sighed and sank into the seat. It was only then that he spoke.

“You’ll want to take a seat, son.” Hercules slowly sat.

“What do you want, sir?”

“There’s no easy way to say this. The evidence that was shown to the court is inconclusive.”

“What?” Hercules asked, numbly.

“You and Maria have given your stories but George Fredericks’ lawyers are trying to argue that you were at fault.”

“At fault?”

“That you wanted it. You will need to testify, son. In front of him.”

“I- I can’t!” Hercules stared at Washington, as if he could convey what a terrible idea that would be. “I can’t look at him or-” Hercules shuddered. “Please, sir. Don’t make me-”

“It’s not up to me.” Washington sighed. “If you don’t do this then he might go free.”

“What?”

“Son, this is terrible news. If I had any control over this then you would never even hear of this man again. However, the law is there for a reason. If we want him to spend the rest of his life in jail then you should choose to testify.”

“But I don’t have a choice?”

“No. Not if you want to be safe.”

 

Hercules stumbled back to his room as he tried to not think about it. He would have to face the man that had-

He shook his head. He wasn’t going to think about that. He still had cuts across his hands from where the glass had dug in too much. He could still remember the mad look in George’s eyes as he pressed down, as he pushed Hercules’ hand into the glass.

Hercules could remember the state George had put him in, the confusion that had hurt Lafayette because Hercules couldn’t think. He could remember Ellie gently guiding him to the counter, carefully picking the glass out as she didn’t ask. He remembered she was crying.

He hadn’t noticed at the time, too busy with his own tears.

With that thought in mind, Hercules grabbed his phone. It had been too long. It wasn’t fair how long he’d gone without replying to Ellie. Anyway, he needed her. He wasn’t sure if that made him a terrible person yet.

**To: Ellie**

**Hey**

The response was almost immediate.

**From: Ellie**

**Hey? Hey? What the fuck Herc?**

**To: Ellie**

**Language**

**From: Ellie**

**Don’t give me that fucking language bullshit!**

Hercules paused as his phone began ringing. He sighed before he picked it up.

“Hey, El.” He was proud at how little his voice shook.

“What the ever living fuck, Herc?”

“Ellie-”

“You lied to us for fucking months! Then we get taken away and ‘hey’ is the first fucking thing you say? What the hell?”

“I’m sorry.”

“How- how much of it was true, Herc?” The anger drained out of Ellie’s voice and Hercules sighed.

“Ellie-”

“I need to know, Herc. I need to know how many times you were- were putting your life in danger!”

“My life wasn’t in danger, Ellie.”

“It fucking were! You-”

“Are the others safe?”

“Yeah. Course they are. But-”

“Everything I did was to keep you guys safe, Ellie. You need to understand that.”

“Please don’t say that, Herc. I just- I was such a fucking brat wasn’t I?”

“No. I put too much on you. I expected you to take on the same level of responsibility that I had years to prepare for.”

“You shouldn’t have had it either!”

“I know, El. Look, is your foster parent around?”

“Why?”

“I wanna visit you.”

“Really?”

“Of course. You might be a brat but I’m pretty sure that’s cause you’re my little sister.”

“Hercules the jerkules.” Ellie muttered. Hercules could just about hear her as she walked around the house. “Peter? It’s Hercules he wants to- oh- okay.”

“Hello?” The new voice asked. It was powerful and male. Hercules couldn’t quite stop the shudder that ran down his spine.

“Hello this is Hercules Mulligan. I’m Ellie, Ana, Jed and Josh’s older brother. I was hoping to visit at some point. I-”

“No.”

“Wh-what?” Hercules stuttered out.

“I was put in charge of protecting these children. I won’t let someone like you to change that.”

“Someone like me?” Hercules asked in confusion. “I don’t-”

“Everybody knows what you did.” The man sneered out. Hercules felt his hackles rise.

“And they also know that I did it-”

“I do not want my children to be corrupted by you.”

“They are not your children!” Hercules snapped. “They are my mother’s!”

“Not anymore. We’re getting a restraining order against her.”

“You- you can’t do that!” Hercules half shouted.

“She abandoned her children almost every day for years.”

“Because she was trying to help them!”

“I’m not going to argue this with _you_.” The last word dripped with revulsion and Hercules shuddered. “Do not try to contact your siblings again or we will file a restraining order against you as well.”

“But-” Before Hercules could say anything else Peter hung up. Hercules stared at the phone for a long time before throwing it the length of the room. It bounced off the wall and landed on the floor.

Hercules sank to the floor and felt tears overcome him. This was all wrong. He knew what he’d done but he’d done it for a reason. He’d done it for them. He’d done it to keep his family together, to keep them clothed and fed.

He’d endured long painful nights and days filled with flinches. He’d survived without eating because he knew his siblings needed the food more. He’d let Reynolds do whatever he wanted just so they could make the bills on time. He’d done everything for them.

Hercules let his head drop.

He obviously hadn’t done enough.

 

For the rest of the day Hercules was unusually silent. The others were all too excited to notice. They chattered about their New Year’s resolutions.

“What’s yours going to be, Tommy?” Maria asked, grinning.

“To be less of an asshole?” Alexander muttered.

“Oh my, how did you guess? Yeah I’m doing just what you could never fucking do.”

“So what do you wanna do?”

“Dunno.” Jefferson shrugged. “Maybe work harder in school?”

“You’re 4.0, shut the hell up.” James muttered as he elbowed Jefferson. He seemed to remember the other boy’s injuries a second too late as Jefferson shied back from the impact and bit back a mumble of pain. Without missing a beat Jefferson continued and if you hadn’t been looking at him you would have never known what had happened.

“There is always room for improvement, James. I’ll need to work harder if I want to graduate college in just two years.”

“Mon ami, why would you want to do that?” Lafayette asked in confusion.

“Cause, Laf, darling, that would mean I could join the army! A violent revolution is the way to boring permanent change, of course.”

“As if you’d ever fight for something other than yourself.” Alexander snorted and Jefferson grinned.

“Well fine. In three years the senator for Virginia is going to stand down. I think it’s past time a foster kid got a shot.”

“You really think you could get enough support in three years to be elected?” Angelica asked, sceptically.

“I know I will.”

“You’re more likely to get shot than get _that_ shot.”

“Rising gun crime is of course an issue I’d be ready to tackle. Wouldn’t want people running around with duelling pistols now would we?”

“Of course _you_ would want to be a politician.” Alexander scoffed. “Anyway, you’re not allowed to be a Senator until you’re at lest thirty years old.” Jefferson’s face darkened at that and he turned to Alexander.

“And what do you want to do, Hamilton? Cleaning floors?”

“Fuck off, Jefferson. I don’t know what I wanna do yet.”

“You don’t have any idea?” Angelica asked. Alexander shook his head.

“It’s silly when we get into these crazy hypothetical. You want something then create a set of goals. You gotta cross them off the list as you pursue them and then-”

“What then? Pay off the debt you got into pursuing it?” Hercules asked sullenly.

“You use the money to do whatever the fuck you want.”

Hercules stood. Lafayette glanced at him in confusion.

“Mon ami?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Hercules said dully. The room turned to him. “You can’t get anywhere now without a proper education.”

“I will.” Alexander stated.

“Sure.” Hercules walked out of the room. Lafayette frowned before he followed Hercules.

“Mon ami, are you okay?”

“It’s- it’s a mess, Laf. Just-” Hercules sighed.

“What is?”

“Everything I did I did for my family. I- that first time when- when Reynolds- when he approached me that first time and he-” Hercules shuddered, “when I got home they made me a cake. For- for my birthday. I did it so my mother could get medicine. Everything I did was for them and-”

“What happened Hercules?” Lafayette asked, wondering why Hercules was thinking back to that day.

“I can’t visit them. The foster family said they didn’t want someone like me to corrupt them.”

“Que?” Lafayette asked in anger. “C'est inacceptable!”

“Can’t speak French, Laf.”

“It is unacceptable! You-”

“I just feel so-” Hercules sighed. “I’ve dedicated years to look after them. Even before Reynolds I was always there for them. I made sure there was food on the table. I paid the bills and made sure their clothes were okay. When they had nightmares I was there. Now I just- it feels like I’m falling, Laf. I don’t have anything to do! I used to have numbers in my head. How much my mom was being paid, when the bills had to paid, how much food we had in. Now there’s just nothing. I- I feel empty.”

“Mon ami.” Lafayette slowly took Hercules’ hand. “It shall not remain like this. They cannot stop you from visiting your family.”

“They can. They’re in loco parentis. I have no rights.”

“They will not take this from you.”

“They already have, Laf.” Hercules turned and walked up the stairs. Lafayette stared after him with no idea if he should follow or not.

 

Hercules was back downstairs by the time the New Year was almost upon them. He and Lafayette were sat next to each other on a sofa. Maria and Eliza were curled around each other. James and Jefferson were sat next to each other but then again, when weren’t they?

“So when do we get the champagne?” Jefferson asked. He was hanging his head over the edge of the chair which let him stare at Washington.

“When you’re of legal drinking age.” Jefferson pouted.

“Or we could have it now?”

Washington didn’t bother to reply.

“So who’s gonna kiss?” Jefferson asked the room. “Maria and Eliza are being sickeningly coupley already so…” Jefferson shrugged but he was smiling at Maria. “They’re probably taken.”

“No shit.” Peggy muttered.

“Language.” Hercules muttered back.

“Obviously,” Jefferson continued as if no-one had said anything, “I will be kissing the gorgeous Angelica Schuyler.”

“What makes you think you’re worthy of me?”

“My stunning looks. Didn’t you know it’s illegal to be more handsome than me?”

“Whelp.” Hamilton shrugged. “Looks like we’re all going to jail.”

“Do you have anyone, Hamilton?” Jefferson asked. Alexander fell silent at that. Hercules glanced at John who just shifted slightly. They had stopped sniping at each other but they weren’t boyfriends, not by a long stretch. No-one was even sure if they were friends.

“Mon ami, do not.” Lafayette said quietly to Jefferson. Jefferson glanced at him and nodded.

“You got anyone, Burr?”

“Does it look like I do?”

“Sass from Burr?” Jefferson sat up slightly. “You _do_ have someone!”

“Not here.”

“Oh my God.” Jefferson leant forwards, as if it was Christmas not New Years. “Who is it?”

“Jefferson.” James said pointedly. Jefferson waved him off.

“I’d rather not say.”

“That’s your default setting, Burr. So?”

“A girl from school.”

“Well that narrows it down to a few hundred people.” Jefferson sighed and relaxed back against the sofa. “There’s no new gossip!”

“You do realise how much you sound like a stereotypical school girl right now, right?” Angelica asked.

“Isn’t that what you love about me, Angelica?”

“Did you just ask Angelica if she liked you because she’s gay?” Peggy asked. Jefferson frowned and turned his head to the side.

“Yeah, probably. So?”

“No. It’s not your shining personality.” Angelica spoke over whatever retort Peggy was preparing.

“My fabulous looks then?”

“Right now I’m finding it very difficult to find any reason.”

“You wound me!” Jefferson lapsed into silence after that. They watched as the clock ticked onwards.

When the countdown finally started they all stood, as if it would be a better year if they were standing up. James just glared at them as he was confined to his wheelchair that day, his balance was all over the place.

Hercules stood next to Lafayette. Lafayette was looking at him with a worried gaze. Hercules knew what he wanted. He wanted a kiss to begin the New Year. The only problem was kisses were difficult for Hercules, bringing back far too many memories and nightmares all packaged into one.

“Ten!”

“Nine!”

“Eight!”

“Seven!”

“Six!”

“Five!”

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

Hercules turned to Lafayette who was staring at him with a question in his eyes. Hercules could see Maria as she threw her arms around Eliza. Alexander almost leapt across the room and kissed Burr. Burr pushed him away as Alexander smirked and the rest of the room dissolved into laughter.

Hercules stared at Lafayette. He wanted to kiss him. This was Lafayette, the person who had never pushed Hercules an inch. This was Lafayette, the person who had trusted Hercules with his most precious secret. This was Lafayette, the person who had never done anything to hurt him but…

“Fine.” Angelica strode across the room. Jefferson turned in surprise as she kissed him.

“I told you that you’d fall for my charms eventually.”

It was enough for Hercules to look away. Lafayette bit his lip gently but let Hercules walk out of the room.

“Is he okay?” Jefferson asked softly. Lafayette just shrugged.

“I do not know.”

 

When Hercules sat down at breakfast the next day he knew everyone had noticed what he’d done. They glanced at him in that same way, that same cautious way as if he was about to break down. He hated it.

He hated all of this. He hated not being able to help his family. He hated the nightmares where he woke in a cold sweat as he remembered hands moving over him. He hated that he’d lost control of his body. For so long he’d had so much control over his life. He had the numbers running through his head and he could control what he ate, what everyone ate.

Now he had no control.

Hercules dropped his head to the plate in front of him before he paused. He did have control. He couldn’t control what had happened to him. He couldn’t control what would happen. He couldn’t control a damn thing about his life.

Apart from his food.

Hercules stared at the plate in front of him before carefully cutting everything in half.

As the day progressed and the hunger in his stomach grew he smiled. This, he could control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look forward to Wednesday's chapter where something happens that a lot of you have been asking for for a while now


	37. If You Swing At My Family You Better Not Miss, You'd Better Have Another Punch To Throw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to school!

Alexander was nervous about school. It was the first time he had been anything but bored about school in a long time. He didn’t bother anymore about his grades. They’d plummeted well before he skipped months of school to live on the streets. They weren’t important. It wasn’t as if he’d get into a university anyway.

No, Alexander was worried because of the pamphlet. No-one had said anything but he knew the people at school must hate him for what he had done. He hadn’t stepped into the school since the principal sent him back to Yorktown. He hadn’t been in a lesson since the school day before he threw the pamphlets into the wind.

When he got onto the bus he heard the whispers start up. He glanced behind him and the bus fell silent.

“Well, that’s subtle.” Alexander muttered. Maria just shrugged, also looking uncomfortable. She hadn’t been back to school either.

“You did kinda fuck everything up.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Whatcha talking about?” Jefferson rose from behind them. He was leaning most of his body weight on Alexander’s chair. Alexander glared at him.

“How weird it is to be here.”

“They’ll get over it.” Jefferson shrugged and Hercules frowned.

“How long will that take?”

“With the rumour mill of this school? I dunno. It’s a pretty juicy story. I mean-”

“Yeah we got it.” Alexander spoke over Jefferson who just shrugged.

“You should have sent it to a newspaper. You’d get front page for months.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Hercules muttered. Alexander glared at him. “I’m just saying.”

“They’re only gonna stare for…” Jefferson paused, “how long is it until we leave again?”

“You’re not helpful.” Alexander muttered as he sunk deeper into his seat. Jefferson just shrugged and sat back down, ignoring the much crueller stares fixed on him. He took in a deep breath and stared ahead, not letting a single emotion show.

It was only worse when they arrived at school. When Alexander stepped off the bus he could feel everyone turning to stare at him. They then turned to their friends, poked them and started to whisper.

Lafayette, Hercules and John bunched up around him, as if trying to shield himself from the glares. Angelica stared around nervously. It felt like something big was about to happen, something bad. She stepped closer to Eliza and Peggy.

Alexander didn’t bother trying to hide. He strode forwards, knowing that whatever happened he’d survived worse. Everyone let him pass. They parted before him as if he had cut them down in his path. He could see them glaring at him but he ignored it. If all they were going to do was whisper then he wasn’t going to show them an ounce of shame.

The behaviour continued as he walked into his classroom and sat down. The teacher couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment. Alexander returned the stare.

“Hamilton, I thought-” the teacher broke off.

“I had to take a break before Christmas but I don’t intend to do it again.”

“Right. Okay.” The teacher nodded as other students came into the room. They settled into their seats and started to whisper. Alexander wished they’d talk a bit louder. He didn’t want to hear what they were saying but he wanted to hear more.

It had been torture being alone in that room, forced to hear nothing but his own heartbeat. The worry had made sense then, he knew he was going to be abandoned. He had known he wasn’t allowed noise, wasn’t allowed to know he’d be safe, he’d be loved.

Since Christmas, it had been easier. He didn’t have to lock himself in his room anymore. Now the silence in the room was even more oppressive. It reminded him of all the times he’d been left on his own, sometimes for hours and sometimes forever.

“So, today we start our module on Macbeth.”

As the teacher began to talk Alexander relaxed. While the class kept on shooting him glances he didn’t care. It wasn’t as if they could do anything. Not anything worse than what he’d already survived anyway.

 

Lunch was a quiet affair. The other kids kept on expecting something to happen. Alexander had to keep on calming them down.

“Nothing will happen. Nothing I can’t fucking deal with, okay?”

“Mon ami it is not-”

“It’s fine, Laf.”

“Just cause you gone through it before don’t mean it’s okay, darling.”

“Remind me again why you don’t hate me?” Alexander asked, turning to Maria.

“It ain’t worth it darling. Anyhow, you got us outta bad place.” Maria shrugged. “Could’ve done it better.”

“I think everyone agrees with that.” Burr muttered. Jefferson smirked before he frowned. He opened his bag and began to rifle through it. He growled quietly.

“What is it?” James asked.

“Forgot my textbook.” Jefferson stood. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

“Okay but who the fuck is teaching me for the rest of the year?” Alexander asked in exasperation. “Ned Stevens fucking asked for me to be removed from class!”

“Really?” Angelica asked in shock. “I thought he loved you.”

“Petit lion, did he ask you to be removed or did he wish for you to be put down a year?”

“What’s the difference?” Alexander shrugged and cast an eye to Hercules’ plate. It was half full but Hercules didn’t seem ready to eat more.

“You might be put down a year?” James asked in surprise. “But-”

“He never works.” Hercules added as he pushed his food towards Alexander.

“No point.” Alexander pouted. “Not gonna go anywhere.”

“Why not?” Eliza asked.

“No-one’s gonna want a kid like me. Not with the grades I’ve already got.”

“Why are they so low?”

“Cause I spent several months not going to school. Before that my foster parents wouldn’t always let me go and even when I did go I could never concentrate.”

“How come?” John asked, curious. Alexander had never talked about this.

“Always so boring. Anytime I was listening I already knew the stuff and then I lost concentration and as soon as I was paying attention again the class had moved onto something else. Always figured I could just revise it all at the end of the year and it just never happened. Normally got moved again.”

“Do you often have problems concentrating?” Angelica was watching Alexander carefully. He just shrugged.

“Yeah. Always have. My mama looked into something but couldn’t get a diagnosis or anything. It’s just me.”

“How’d you figure that out?”

“There’s no way I could have concentration issues. When I write I don’t stop.” Alexander shrugged. “It’s just me being lazy I guess.” Alexander stood and stretched. “I gotta go talk to Stevens. I couldn’t fucking stand being in this place another year.”

Alexander walked down the corridor. He smirked as the heads still turned to him. It was almost funny at this point. They couldn’t do a thing against him, not really.

A shout came to his ears and he paused. There wasn’t another shout, as if it had been muffled. Alexander stepped towards where it had come from; the changing rooms. No-one should be in there. Alexander frowned and slowly pushed open the door.

Jefferson was on the floor with five teenagers standing above him. One of them was gripping Jefferson’s collar and, as Alexander watched, he dealt a swift punch to Jefferson which made his head loll backwards. The other four seemed to have got more than enough of their own shots in.

Jefferson had a split lip and his nose was pouring blood down his rumpled shirt. He was gripping his chest, as if he’d been kicked in the ribs one too many times. He spotted Alexander walk in and the remaining colour drained from his face. He shook his head but Alexander ignored him.

“What the fuck is going on?” Alexander spat out as he strode into the room. Jefferson was dropped to the floor and began to cough violently.

“He’s getting what he fucking deserves.” One of the boys spat out, staring at Alexander challengingly.

“And what’s that?”

“Hamilton, fuck off.” Jefferson said. Every word looked like it hurt him. He had struggled to his hands and knees and he was glaring at Alexander.

“What the hell?” Alexander snarled out.

“I said-” Jefferson was cut off as one of the teens kicked him in the side. Jefferson fell to the floor again.

“Get off him.” Alexander snarled. The teens glared at him.

“What are you going to do?”

Alexander didn’t even need to think as he launched himself at the teens. He hit one of them in the stomach and then backed up quickly to avoid a punch that sailed over his head. The next hit connected but Alexander ignored it. In retaliation he punched one of the other teens in the head.

No matter how hard he fought he knew he was going to lose. After a few minutes, one of them kicked his legs out from under him and he went down, hard. Then it was just the teens raining kicks down on him. Alexander tucked his head in and refused to make a noise. After a while the kicks stopped and one of them grabbed him by the throat.

Alexander kicked out but was suddenly reminded of how short and light he still was. Any weight he had gained before the pamphlet had vanished after, a mix of guilt and the time he spent in his room.

One of the teens lifted him to the locker and slammed him against it. He then delivered a punch to Alexander’s gut which knocked the wind out of him.

“You were in on it weren’t you?” One of them spat out. “You fucking helped covering up what Reynolds was doing!”

“No I fucking didn’t! I-” Alexander was cut off as one of the teens hit him again in the gut. He wheezed for a moment. He glanced at Jefferson who was staring at him helplessly.

“You helped that piece of scum cover it up!”

“Fuck off. I didn’t do a goddamn thing to-” Alexander was cut off again as the teen’s grip tightened and it cut off his air supply. Alexander struggled against it as he felt memories threaten to overwhelm him.

“Get off him.” Jefferson shakily rose to his knees. “He didn’t-”

“You can shut up. I’ll fucking deal with you in a minute.”

Jefferson stared at the teen for a long moment before he gathered himself and stood. The pain that was obvious in every movement didn’t show on his face.

“Get off him.” Jefferson’s voice was still soft but this time there was an edge to it. No-one in the room noticed, his attackers too busy with Alexander and Alexander too busy with fighting off a flashback.

“What’re you going to do now, orphan?” The teen loosened his grip on Alexander’s throat slightly and the boy gasped in air.

“Get off him.” Jefferson’s voice was icy as he stepped forwards.

“He fucking deserves this. You both do. You fucking know that as well.”

“He doesn’t deserve this.”

“You-” one of the teens went to punch Jefferson but he ducked and hit the boy in the stomach instead. Alexander was suddenly free as the boy who was holding him, raced at Jefferson. Alexander took a moment to gasp in air before turning to the teens. He wasn’t entirely sure what was going on but he knew that for some reason he was on Jefferson’s team.

Alexander lunged at one of the teens and punched him. He ducked under the next swing and kneed the kid in the groin. He yelped and bent over. Alexander took the opportunity to punch his face which knocked him to the side.

Jefferson was facing off three of them. He had the height advantage over all of them but he was also obviously in pain. Alexander moved to him, facing off against the last people in the room.

“Let us leave.” Jefferson commanded. He struck a commanding pose even as blood continued to dribble down his face.

“Go fuck yourself.” One of the teens snarled out before launching himself at them.

After that the room descended into chaos. Jefferson and Alexander could take more hits but they were also outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered and out planned. They held their own until the door swung open again. Jefferson glanced to see a teacher stride into the room. He immediately stopped fighting and left his right side open. The teen in front of him took the opportunity and Jefferson let his legs collapse from under him.

“Get away from each other!” The teacher shouted as she waded into the centre of the fight. Alexander stared at her before glancing back at Jefferson. Jefferson nodded and Alexander stopped fighting. He got a punch to the head for it.

Alexander stumbled backwards and stepped towards Jefferson. He held out a hand to Jefferson who took it and let him haul Jefferson to his feet.

The teacher ordered them to report to the nurse’s office and the others to the principal’s office. As Jefferson and Alexander walked they saw the looks the people in the corridor were shooting at them.

“What the fuck was that?” Alexander whispered. His voice rasped slightly and he began to cough. Jefferson stared at him in worry which immediately left his face when Alexander glanced at him.

“None of your business.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Alexander hissed out. “You-” Alexander broke off into a cough, “you just got beaten up and I fucking defended you and-” cough, “you won’t even-” cough, “fucking-” cough, “tell me?”

“Hamilton, stop.” Jefferson put his hands on Alexander’s shoulders which halted him. Alexander stared at him as he continued to cough. After a long moment he managed to get his breathing under control again. “If you have to know,” Jefferson continued walking, “it was your fault.”

“What?”

Jefferson sighed. “Come on. We’re almost here.”

“Why’s it my fault?”

“Because you revealed to the whole fucking school that I hid two cases of rape for months. You framed it that I did it to fucking gain something.” Jefferson hissed. “You told them I was a fucking criminal and didn’t bother including my crime. They think I did the same fucking thing as Reynolds.”

“What?” Alexander’s face was blank. Jefferson could have laughed at it.

“It’s high school. Rumours only grow. The moment you published that fucking thing you changed our lives. I thought you’d got that by now.”

“How long have they been hurting you?” Alexander asked quietly.

“Since the pamphlet.”

“You didn’t fight back?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because they were right. I did hide the rape. I did have something to lose from telling people. I am a criminal.”

“What would you have lost?”

“The courts don’t exactly like a kid killing someone in self-defence and then being caught up in a prostitution ring. As long as I didn’t say anything it didn’t matter.”

“So I could have sent you to jail?”

“Probably. The evidence wasn’t exactly overwhelmingly positive.”

“How did you kill that man?” Alexander asked quietly. Jefferson sighed.

“I beat him to death. Took hours until they finally let me have a shower.”

“Oh.” Alexander looked disgusted and Jefferson sighed.

“As I said, I deserve what those kids are doing.” Jefferson seemed to snap back to himself after a moment. “Or some people think so anyway.”

“You fucking don’t. I mean, you’re literal trash but you were trying to help them.”

“Wow. You really do have a gift with words.”

“Shut up, Francophile.”

“I’ll admit, you have not called me that one before.”

 

“So, in summary,” Washington stared at Jefferson and Alexander, “you,” he pointed to Jefferson, “have been being hurt for weeks and hiding that fact from me. While you,” Washington pointed to Alexander, “did not go to a teacher when you found out. You did not go to a friend or anyone. Instead you decided to take on five teenagers all bigger and stronger than yourself.”

“Yeah.” Alexander nodded. Washington sighed.

“Jefferson, why are you being attacked on a regular basis?”

“I don’t know sir.”

“Bullshit.” Alexander muttered.

“Language.”

“He’s being hit because of what he knew about Maria and Hercules.”

“Is this true?” Washington asked. Jefferson nodded after a moment. “Did you fight back?”

“I thought-”

“He didn’t, because he’s a fucking idiot.”

“Language.”

“Do you know the names of the people who did this?”

“I-”

“He’s going to lie for some bullshit reason that-”

“Hamilton if you fucking talk over me again I swear to God-” Jefferson rose and Alexander did the same. Jefferson had several inches on Alexander but the shorter boy seemed to have puffed up, like a cat before a fight.

“You’ll what?”

“Boys!” Washington cried. The two glanced at him before they sat down again. “This fighting is not tolerated. You have both been suspended from school for the next two days. I hope that you can use that time to somehow calm down.”

“Tell him that.” Alexander muttered. Washington sighed.

“Can I have a word with you, Alexander?”

“O-kay…” Alexander frowned as Jefferson left the room. “Sir?”

“Alexander, do you know what sedatehobia is?”

“No sir.” Alexander squinted as Washington nodded. Washington looked at his screen and began to scroll down, as if he was looking for something. Alexander felt the silence building. It felt like something was weighing on him, as if something was pushing him into the floor. “What is it, sir?” Alexander asked. Washington looked to him.

“Wait a moment.”

Alexander felt his stomach drop as the silence continued. He knew it was irrational but the silence seemed to extend. He was going to be punished, he knew. He deserved punishment for fighting back. Washington had never punished him so he didn’t know what he’d be forced to endure. More than that, he wasn’t even sure how much he could withstand from someone as tall and broad as Washington.

“S-sir?” Alexander cursed his stutter.

“What’s wrong?”

“Y-you went silent. I’m not really sure why. I mean, if you had to look at something on your computer then I’d think that you’d look at it before you need to talk to two potentially traumatised children. Seeing as our backgrounds both contain many counts of abuse both from other people about you age and from people in positions of power over us. I’d also think that if you asked me a question then you would have been asking me a rhetorical question because Jefferson would probably be able to answer any question you would ask me. But instead you told me to stay in here alone and sent Jefferson away. You weren’t looking at me but that could mean any number of things. I also know you’re lying. You- you’re not looking anything up, you’re just staring at a blank screen. There’s no way you’d be doing that unless this was some kind of test and I don’t know why you’d do that. There’s been no tests up to this point in the house and you must realise that if you were to test me then there’d be a good chance my brain would connect it to the tests I must have almost inevitably been given in my previous which led to my abuse and-”

“It’s the fear of silence.” Washington spoke over Alexander. “Sedatephobia is the fear of silence.”

“I-”

“I noticed over the holidays that you were struggling the most when the room was silent. It took me a while to understand why but as I looked through your files it began to make more sense.”

“Why would it make sense for me to be scared of silence? A phobia isn’t just some bullshit fear, it’s a proper full blown thing. I don’t have anything actually wrong with me. Maybe I don’t like silence but that doesn’t mean I have a phobia.”

“But you are scared of the quiet.”

“Yeah I guess.” Alexander shrugged.

“Why?”

Alexander frowned. He’d never really told anyone this. It would be just another way for them to hurt him. He didn’t want to say anything but this was Washington.

“It means I’m gonna get left behind. It- you heard about my mama. It was just- she was quiet. I didn’t even- didn’t know she was dead. I just knew something was wrong. With my- my cousin I couldn’t- I couldn’t scream so I just lay there and it- it was too quiet. Af-after the storm there wasn’t anything. I- I couldn’t hear people screaming or crying. It was just- just gone.”

“It’s been a problem since then?”

“K-kinda. It was- it was after that it got really bad. My first adoptive parents. I didn’t get to see them a lot because they were too busy working. We were pretty poor. I didn’t talk to people for days sometimes ad I just- I just realised that I wouldn’t know if they died. If they- if I had no-one I’d never know. I started to stay up to see them come back each night. I’d talk to them and not- not stop cause if I did…”

“They might not be there.”

“Yeah. Anyway. It got worse after that. Some- some of the houses punished me by locking me up somewhere and it was just so quiet. I never- when I was sent to care homes my social worker would be mad. They’d not talk. The radio wouldn’t be on. The silence was just-” Alexander shuddered, “it was everywhere. I can’t deal with it.” Alexander sighed. He had just given Washington the weapon he could destroy Alexander with.

“Thank you for telling me this.” Washington pulled out a drawer in his desk. “I don’t think you do have a phobia. I think that it is more likely to be an anxiety problem. However,” Washington pulled out a package and pushed it towards Alexander, “when it gets bad, use this.”

“What is it sir?”

“It’s your Christmas present. It’s technically over the price range but I think it’s what you need.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Go do your homework.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh and Alexander, well done for backing Jefferson up.” Washington smiled at that, a rare smile that Alexander couldn’t quite help but return.

Alexander stepped out of the room and opened the package. It had a music player and a set of headphones. Alexander stared at it in amazement for a moment before plugging the headphones in and placing one in his ear. It felt uncomfortable but the moment he pressed play it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, I love High school aus. I love all those fics where Hamilton is magically several years ahead of everyone despite dealing with so much bullshit and abusive families and physical and mental illnesses. But I just wanted to do this differently. ADD is something that's thrown around a lot with Hamilton and I wanted to explore that. So his failing school results isn't a one chapter thing, it just didn't have time to develop before the pamphlet  
> Also, if you love this Jefferson then by the end of next chapter you will either hate me or love me. Who knows? (I know) (I know nothing tbh)


	38. She Made My Life Worthwhile

James bolted upright as he heard a yell. He stared around in confusion until he heard a loud thud from the room next door. Jefferson’s room. He stood and pulled his prosthetic. He then walked into the hall in time to see other doors opening. He waved them away.

“What is it?” Eliza whispered over the continued bangs.

“What’s wrong with Jefferson?” Angelica asked. She looked tense, ready to bolt.

“I’ll deal with it.” James stated, knocking on Jefferson’s door. When he got no response he called through it. “Jefferson?” The banging suddenly stopped. It was replaced by silence as Jefferson seemed to slowly gain the courage to talk.

“Go away.” Jefferson’s voice was thick with emotions. James frowned, he’d never seen Jefferson lash out like this. When Jefferson got angry he became cold, calculating. He didn’t start screaming. James pushed open the door and paused.

Jefferson was huddled into a corner, head between his knees as he sobbed quietly. His knuckles were stained with blood, as was the small crater in the wall beside him.

“Jefferson?” James asked in amazement. Jefferson didn’t even respond, just continued to sob. James stepped forwards and leant down in front of Jefferson. “What happened?”

“Go ‘way.” Jefferson managed to get out between sobs. James had no idea what to say. He had never been good at this stuff, had always waited for Jefferson who always seemed to have the right words or the right plan. James didn’t have anything apart from words he knew wouldn’t be enough.

“Jefferson…” James trailed off before moving forwards and putting a hand on Jefferson’s arm. “I want to help.”

“You can’t.” Jefferson whined out, voice full of sorrow.

“Please. I can try.”

“It-” Jefferson broke off again, curling up further into himself. “Ch-check the phone.” James looked around the room until he spotted the phone. It was lying on the carpet a few feet away. The screen was cracked and the phone itself was dented.

“Did you throw this?” James asked as he picked the phone up. Jefferson nodded. “It’s locked, Jefferson.”

“One seven eight nine.”

James typed in the numbers and the phone unlocked. It was open on a text conversation from a contact labelled ‘heartless dick’. James wondered who that was for a moment before he read the single text in the conversation.

**From: Heartless Dick**

**We removed my mother from life support today. Our lawyers will be in contact with you shortly.**

“I don’t-” James frowned as he stared at the message. “I don’t understand, Jefferson. I-”

“That’s not my _fucking_ name.” Jefferson snapped out. James blinked in confusion before he spoke.

“What?”

“I- I don’t have a fucking name, James! I- my mother abandoned me.”

“I thought-” James broke off, “you have an inheritance though.”

“It’s from my grandparents. M- my grandfather.” Jefferson curled further in on himself at that. “From m-my first foster f-family. They didn’t fucking tell me I wasn’t their child. Then they got pregnant with a miracle child,” Jefferson sneered out the words, “and I was thrown aside.” The fight seemed to leave Jefferson’s body and he let his head hand down again. “My grandfather had a stroke and died not long after.”

“Holy shit.” James breathed out. Jefferson had never mentioned any of this to him. It made James wonder just how long Jefferson had gone keeping the secret to himself as if it was something he should be ashamed of.

“I loved my grandparents. They were- were the only people who were there for me. My- my grandfather taught me about Thom-Thomas Jefferson. The real one. When he d-died I took the name.”

“And your grandmother just died?” James asked warily. Jefferson nodded, wiping away his tears.

“N-no-one told me she was sick. They di-didn’t bother. N-no-one told me. I couldn’t visit her. I- I didn’t get to see him at the end.” Jefferson whispered the last sentence. Fresh tears began to dribble down his face but he made no move to brush them away.

“What’s the bit about the lawyers?”

“My grandparents left everything to me. A-and a bit to the other kid. My par- the first family, they- they hated it. Did-didn’t let me go to my Grandad’s funeral. Just- just shipped me off.”

“Will you be able to go to your grandmother’s?”

“I don’t know where it’ll be.” Jefferson’s voice was quiet. He looked very small, curled up into himself on the floor. “I- I don’t know, James. I just- I really don’t know.”

“It’s okay.” James put his arms around Jefferson and hugged him. Jefferson resisted for a moment but then he threw his arms around James. James felt his shoulder begin to dampen but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “We’ll do something Jefferson. I promise.”

“There’s nothing to do.” Jefferson sobbed, curling into James. “I- that was my _family,_ James. The- the last goddamn piece I had. Fuck knows who my father is. My mother abandoned me and- and just left me to die! I don’t have anyone!”

“You have me. You’ll always have me.” James put his head on top of Jefferson’s and began to whisper nothings. Jefferson’s sobs began to slow until he was just lying, boneless, in James’ arms. James glanced down to see Jefferson just staring into nothing. “We need to move.” Jefferson let out a whine of disagreement but James wasn’t having it. James slowly pulled back, ignoring how Jefferson clung to him. “You’ve hurt your hands, Jefferson.”

“Don’t care.”

“Come on.” James stood, half supporting Jefferson. Jefferson didn’t resist but he didn’t help. He let himself be moved, as if he didn’t notice the world moving past him. James carefully guided him down the stairs to the kitchen. He sat him down at the counter and took one of Jefferson’s hands in his own. Jefferson hissed the moment James touched one of the knuckles.

All of the knuckles on Jefferson’s right hand were red and beginning to swell. His left hand hadn’t fared much better. Blood was dribbling from several of them and James sighed.

“Sorry.” Jefferson whispered.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” James reached for the first aid kit and grabbed a towel, dabbing away the blood. Jefferson closed his eyes again, didn’t show a hint of pain as if he was used to it. He really needed to stop breaking James’ heart that night.

“I didn’t know she was sick.” Jefferson’s voice wavered as he spoke. “I just thought she didn’t want to talk to me.”

“Talk to you?” James asked as he gently felt around Jefferson’s knuckles. None of them seemed misplaced, just swollen.

“She wrote me letters. When she could. Not- not often because I- I got moved so much and it- it hurt her hands. But she’d always do it on my birthday and at Christmas, no matter what. She sent me a letter and a present, something special to her. The first year after I- I was sent away, she gave me my grandfather’s history book.”

“And that’s where you chose your name?” James looked up in enough time to see Jefferson nod as his bottom lip shook gently.

“He used to read it to me.” Jefferson’s voice was still soft, as if he’d been subdued. “He used to tell me that I could do what the founding fathers did. I could- I could be anything. Didn’t matter where I came from. Didn’t matter what happened to me. I could be anyone.”

“And he chose Thomas Jefferson to be that role model?” James began to wrap bandages around Jefferson’s right hand. “Try to keep this still.”

“Thomas Jefferson could do anything. He had money, he had power. He was the father of a nation. He-” Jefferson trailed off. “No-one got to hurt him.” He added quietly, after a moment.

“He did terrible things to get there.” James said evenly.

“And I killed someone.” Jefferson snapped. “It- I know what he did, James. I know it was people like us who paid for it. I know but he- he was strong. When I had been abandoned, when I had no-one, I wanted that. I wanted to be strong and not- not care how I got strong.”

“You have people now, Thomas. I know we’re not family by blood. I know we didn’t grow up together but we’ve been through a lot together. You’re the closest thing to a brother I’ve ever had.”

“Thank you.” Jefferson hunched in on himself slightly, staring at his fist, at the white bandages James had wrapped around it.

“I’m going back to bed. Unless you need me?”

“No.” Jefferson muttered. “I think- I think I just need to be alone.”

“Okay. If something happens then come find me. I probably deserve to be woken up by you a few times now.” James turned to leave, not expecting a response. He didn’t get one.

 

When, a week later, a package was dropped off, James didn’t think anything of it. He took it up to Jefferson’s room, knocked on the door and walked in. Jefferson looked up and smiled.

“Hey James.” Jefferson’s knuckles had mostly healed, the cuts having scabbed over and the bruises mostly faded. “What’d’you want?”

“Package.” James handed it to Jefferson who frowned.

“From who?”

“Uh,” James frowned “there was a note… here!” James grabbed the note and passed it to Jefferson. Jefferson frowned down at it before he froze. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He looked to the package and James noticed as a shiver ran through him. “Thomas, what is it?”

“It-” Jefferson broke off and shook his head. “I ca-can’t.”

“Do you know what it is?” James asked, moving closer. Jefferson nodded shakily and pulled slightly at the paper. It fell away easily and revealed its contents.

James didn’t understand why Thomas started to cry when he saw a purple and gold cane.

“What is it Thomas?”

Thomas shook his head as he pulled the cane towards him. James stood there, with no idea what to do.

“’s from my Gran.” Thomas muttered out. “’s my grandad’s cane.”

“Your grandad?”

“Never knew where it went.” Thomas ran his shaking hands across the wood. “It- it was a part of him. When he got sick he wanted me to have it. I just thought it had vanished or- or the parents hid it.”

“I’d read the letter.” James pushed it forwards and Jefferson nodded shakily. He opened it up and began to scan the words. He began to cry openly, big heaving sobs that left him feeling empty. James just watched him, with no idea of how to help.

When Jefferson was done he put the letter aside and covered his eyes with his hands, sobbing. James moved forwards and hugged him.

“Sh-she knew she was dying. She couldn’t give me a present c-cause she was in hospital. This- this was meant to be it.”

“There’s something else in here.” James muttered as he stared at the letter. Jefferson nodded and reached into the envelope. He handed it to James. “Wh-”

“Please don’t make me read it.” Jefferson begged James. James paused for a second before he nodded. He scanned the letter quickly as his hands curled into fists. “Wh-what is it?”

“These people are fucking scum.” James spat out. Jefferson looked surprised, James rarely swore.

“What did they do?”

“She’s been buried. They won’t tell you where because-” James glared at the paper. He wasn’t going to say the rest of it. “They won’t tell you where she’s buried. When the money has been transferred into a trust fund they don’t want to talk to you again.”

“And then?” Jefferson asked, quietly. James paused and Jefferson laughed bitterly. “Those people are many things, James. Succinct isn’t one of them. They’re pissed this could happen, that they could lose the money.”

“They say a lot of things about how the money doesn’t belong to you and they’re only sending this letter because it was your grandmother’s last wish. They- they sound like terrible people.”

“They didn’t use to be.” Jefferson let his head fall backwards as it slowly dried. “They used to be amazing. Then my da- the father got fired. The mother didn’t have enough money to support us. When the other kid came along I was too much.” Jefferson shrugged. “I was left.” James sat down on the bed next to him and hugged him.

“They’re scum, Thomas.”

“They were my parents, James. I- I- they were my everything. Then they dumped me like- I was nothing to them James. I was just-” Jefferson waved vaguely at himself and James sighed.

“This is messed up, Thomas. No-one just gives up their kid.”

“I wasn’t their kid.”

“But I am your brother.” James pulled Thomas around to stare at him. “Those people aren’t your family anymore. They decided that.”

“You can’t choose family, James.” Thomas sniffed as he spoke.

“Isn’t that the whole point of the system? We do choose our family. We choose our parents, we choose our siblings. We choose new families when our old ones aren’t there.”

“But-”

“But nothing, Thomas. My parents died so I got Washington. Your family messed up so you got me. I- I don’t care about DNA. You’re my brother Thomas. That won’t change.” They sat in silence for a moment before Jefferson spoke up.

“I never met my brother. The person who took over from me I mean. I- I like to think he’d be like you. I wish you’d been him.” James froze, not sure how to respond to that. Jefferson turned to him, smiling weakly. “I haven’t had the best luck with family. But maybe- maybe that’s changed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to point out that this is the nicer version of the chapter than the original. Originally Jefferson used the cane to kill the man and only got it back about this time and he realised he'd broken it and that's why he has a meltdown. (what do you mean I then used that idea for without a leg to stand on? nahhhhh)


	39. Dear Theodosia, What To Say To You?

Burr was on the sodden ground. He knew from the agony shooting through his body that he’d been beaten at some point. He knew that his foster father had choked him. His voice didn’t work as he tried to cough something out. He pushed himself to his feet and swung violently. When his feet finally held his weight he paused, trying to get his bearings.

He suddenly felt smoke fill his lungs. He doubled over as his damaged throat tried to cough out the smoke. He looked up to see the beginning of the fire; his house. He opened his mouth to scream, to shout, to warn them, but nothing came out.

He tried to run forwards but it was as if his legs were caught in marsh. Every bit of energy he put out gave him nothing in return. He was exhausted after a few seconds as he screamed for his mother, for his father, for his siblings, for everyone. Suddenly the fire was around him. It licked at his ankles and he cried out again as he felt his skin begin to burn off.

Burr saw the white of his bone stick through before he sat up. His chest was heaving and there was a scream trapped in his throat.

It’s not real. You weren’t there. You couldn’t have stopped it. It wasn’t real.

Burr hunched in on himself as he tried to make his breathing even out. That was a nightmare he hadn’t had in a long time. Normally the nightmares just consisted of being beaten or killed.

It wasn’t normally watching his family die.

Burr opened his mouth to say something and felt it stick in his throat as it refused to come out. He took in a deep breath.

So he’d need the whiteboard today.

He walked down the stairs and pulled the whiteboard off the wall before sitting down at the table. Its only other occupant was Alexander. Burr groaned and wondered if he could leave. He didn’t really have anything against Alexander, especially since he read the apology.

The problem was that Alexander reminded him of himself, the self he should have been. Alexander was the Burr he could have been, the one he had been before he broke. Before he was broken.

“Aaron!” Alexander all but shouted. Burr stared at him for a moment before he turned to the whiteboard.

**You’re loud**

“Oops.” Alexander pulled a set of headphones out of his ears. “It’s been forever since we talked! How are you? I mean apart from the whiteboard which kinda probably means you’re not having a great day. And that you’re down this early. Did you have a nightmare? I just couldn’t get to sleep. Uh apart from all that I mean!”

Burr stared at him and then wrote in another word on his whiteboard.

**You’re still loud**

“Yeah but now this is just me.” Alexander turned back to his food and grinned. He seemed almost too happy. Burr slowly sat next to him. “What’ve you got at school today?”

**Maths, English, Science**

“Wow. That’s pretty generic. Almost as if someone made up the timetable to not be exact and able to happen despite their lack of knowledge about American schools.” Alexander stared at the whiteboard for a moment deep in thought before he shrugged. “I’m sure the school wouldn’t do something like that.”

**It’s quite remarkable**

“Before you I had never known someone who could be sarcastic via a whiteboard.”

**How many people did you know who regularly wrote on whiteboards?**

“You do make a good point.” Alexander tilted his head to the side. Burr frowned before he slowly wrote out his next question.

**Are you okay?**

“What’d you mean?”

**The last time we talked before the pamphlet you weren’t**

“Yeah I’m better from that.” Alexander suddenly seemed to take a lot of interest in his empty plate. “You know how it works, gotta jump back from it. Resilience and all, right?”

**That didn’t look like nothing**

“It’s been worse.”

**That is not comforting**

“There you go again! I mean you barely talk when you can and then when you can’t, you can still be sarcastic! How?”

**I have no idea**

“It’s a cool skill.”

**I’ll be sure to pass it along to all the other people who need whiteboards to talk**

Burr was overjoyed as the door opened to reveal Lafayette. The Frenchman looked exhausted.

“Bonjour Burr. Bonjour petite lion!”

“I thought we stopped using that.”

“Non, non, de petite lion shall never leave.”

“Why’s it now the small lion?”

“Because you are irreplaceable.” Lafayette sat down and began to eat his food slowly. Alexander stared at him and licked his lips.

**There is more food in the kitchen**

“Nah it’s fine.” Alexander forced his gaze away from Lafayette.

“Mon ami, you can go feed yourself if you are still hungry.”

“I’m not really hungry. It’s just-” Alexander shrugged. “I’m always hungry. Part of being malnourished when I was younger. Nothing’ll really stop it. The first day here, just after I got arrested, I ate so much food at breakfast. Didn’t change much.”

**Why were you arrested?**

“I was homeless. Sleeping in the wrong part of town and the police picked me up. Guess it’s not technically arrested but that sounds better than the police just handcuffed me and threw me into a car.”

“They handcuffed you?” Lafayette asked, stuck between curiosity and rage.

“Yeah. One of them was a real asshole. They took my bag to make sure I couldn’t run and then they handcuffed me. Left bruises for days. Could’ve been worse. I mean, it’s policemen in America. They could have just shot me.” Alexander smiled after that but it faltered.

**Let’s not talk about that**

“Probably a good idea.” Alexander muttered. He put one of the headphones back in and walked over to the kitchen. Burr watched him go. There was still so much he didn’t know about Alexander. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.

 

Burr often dreaded school. The people didn’t mock him much. They didn’t tend to do that. If he’d had a lisp he knew they would have, if he had a stutter, but when there is a complete absence, when they know something is fundamentally wrong, they didn’t tend to laugh anymore.

They knew he was from Yorktown, knew that he had probably been in the system and everyone knew what that meant. Yorktown was, after all, for the people who were broken beyond repair.

That morning he was dreading it even more.

Since Alexander and Jefferson’s newest suspension everyone was staring at the Yorktown bunch again. That would do no good for Burr. As he stepped off the bus he was relieved as the glances went to Jefferson and Alexander. They stepped off the bus together as if somehow they were a united front.

Burr knew that they weren’t anything like that. They still fought at every moment that they could but they seemed to have reached some kind of agreement.

Burr tried not to notice the wrappings around Jefferson’s knuckles.

When Burr got to his locker Theodosia was standing there. She scanned the crowd for him and was worrying at her lip. As she spotted Burr she hurried forwards. Burr held up the whiteboard and she seemed to deflate.

**What’s wrong?**

In response Theodosia lifted her hair. Her hearing aid was gone. Burr sighed.

**Come on**

Burr glanced around before he took Theodosia’s hand. He probably didn’t need to but her hand was soft and it fit into his all too well. He kept on looking behind him as he led Theodosia out of the school. She frowned as they took a seat behind the bleachers.

“What’s happening?” Theodosia’s voice was too loud but Burr didn’t care.

**It**

Burr frowned. There wouldn’t be enough room on the whiteboard. He turned to Theodosia.

“Because,” his voice was raspy but it was there. It was there on a day he had woken up screaming, on a day where he believed the world could have ended and he’d be happy. As almost an afterthought he signed along to the few words he knew. “I know that you don’t like school without hearing.”

Theodosia took Burr’s whiteboard.

**I can still do it**

“Don’t have to.”

**So we’re bunking off?**

“Exactly. If Alexander can do it so can we.”

Theodosia smiled at that and leant her head against his shoulder. He leant back against her.

“Why do you have the whiteboard if you can talk?” This time Theodosia’s voice was too quiet and Burr strained to hear it.

“Because you bring out the best in me.” Burr whispered. He knew she wouldn’t hear it. Instead he reached for the whiteboard.

**You’re calming**

“You are as well.”

**Why don’t you have your aids?**

“I slept in. Didn’t even notice until I was at school.”

**How far away do you live? We could get them**

“An hour away.” Theodosia sighed at that. Burr could feel it as she breathed in air, as her chest rose and fell. “Too far.”

**Do you have spares?**

“Always forget them.”

**It doesn’t matter**

“It’s annoying.” Her voice was soft. Burr wasn’t sure if it was because she couldn’t determine the noise or if she was speaking softly on purpose. “People look down on me like I’m a charity case. I know I can’t always hear things but I’m not broken.”

**People are always scared of new things**

“Yeah, I guess. Just wish I wasn’t still new.”

Burr sighed and leant into Theodosia again as he put his whiteboard aside. He didn’t have the answers to that. People looked down on him all the time, whether it be because of Yorktown or his voice. Sometimes people would spot the scars that littered his body and Burr would see the pity fill their eyes as they realised just what he’d been through.

They had no real idea. They didn’t understand how it could hurt to speak or how any noise could be punished with a beating or worse. Burr let his eyes close as he frowned.

He still had nightmares about his foster families, about the ones who ignored him and the ones who didn’t. He remembered how he had been, how he’d been fiery and had been so proud of his mind. Now he was cold. The fire had destroyed everything, had killed his family and then ruined everything he could have built.

“What are you thinking?” Theodosia asked. She pulled back slightly so she could watch Burr fully. Burr stared at her for a moment. He could lean forwards and kiss her. He could cup her face, could feel her warmth, could convince himself he wasn’t frozen.

But he couldn’t.

“Nothing.” Burr whispered.

He couldn’t touch Theodosia, couldn’t kiss her, he didn’t dare to. He was cold, the fire that should be alight within his heart was gone. Maybe he had extinguished it, maybe his foster families had. In the end it didn’t matter. He couldn’t risk spreading the cold to Theodosia.

Theodosia, who when she smiled the world lit up. Theodosia, who he could talk to. Theodosia, who thought she was broken.

Burr could never tell her how wrong she was, how perfect she was because that would mean saying what he was; broken beyond repair.

“You look sad.” Theodosia whispered. Burr just smiled.

“I’m fine.”

_I’m broken._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note here. I want to ask people to stop asking me if/when James and Jefferson are going to get together. They're not. If you want to read a fic of mine where they do go read Honey or The Hopeful Future of James Madison or Broken Hearts and Silver Letters. In this universe they consider each other brothers and that's all.  
> (Please don't be mad at me for this. I know it's hypocritical and wrong for me to ask this but the comments about that just really demoralise me and make me wonder how many family relationships I've written that I messed up to the point where they are romantic and it had just been really messing me up.)


	40. Can I Say No To This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap talks about rape and consent a lot. Just as a warning.

Maria didn’t understand a lot of things. She knew she wasn’t smart. She’d never had to be.

She did understand some things. She understood them all too well. She understood gazes that lingered too long, the gazes that tried to undress her. She understood how people’s breath halted for just a second as she pulled off her clothing.

She knew the power of her body and the power of sex.

She also knew that Eliza wanted it.

Jefferson had said a lot about sex, had tried to teach Maria but it just didn’t make sense. She knew things and she didn’t want to even imagine if sex wasn’t something she knew. If it wasn’t that, if it was something that should be given, not taken then she didn’t want to think about what had actually happened throughout her life.

All along she’d never given it, it had never been a gift she’d bestowed. It had been an act that someone took, for money, for safety or for a little bag of drugs. Jefferson kept on saying it was rape when it was taken, when it was traded without her permission.

Maria didn’t dare think of that.

“What are you thinking about?” Eliza asked gently. Maria jumped slightly before she turned to Eliza.

“Nothing much, doll.” Maria leaned forwards and kissed Eliza. Eliza smiled.

“What is this?”

“Can’t I kiss my doll?”

“Maria-” Eliza trailed off. Maria frowned.

“Something wrong?”

“I- I’m not sure if-”

“What is it?”

“I’m not sure if we should kiss.”

“Why not?”

“Maria-” Eliza sighed. “Jefferson had a talk with me.”

“A talk?”

“Yeah. About how you- what you think sex is.”

“Tommy ain’t got no business talking about that.”

“He was only doing it because he cares about you.”

“Doll, I know you want me. Why’s it a problem?”

“Do you want it?”

Maria blinked in confusion.

“I-”

“Until you can answer that question immediately and truthfully I’m not going to do anything.” Eliza took Maria’s hands. “I don’t want to be like everyone else.”

“Eliza this ain’t like that.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No!”

“I want it but you don’t. I’m not going to force you Maria.”

“I ain’t been forced into it for a long time, doll.” Maria’s voice turned angry. Eliza frowned.

“Yes you have.”

“No I ain’t! I-”

“Did you want to sleep with Jefferson?”

“I never slept with Tommy.”

“But you would have if Reynolds told you to. Did you want to sleep with any of those men?”

“Eliza, please stop.”

“Why?”

“I did want it! It wanted it because that’s all I am! I ain’t some perfect daughter! I’m a whore and it’s what I’m made to be.”

“No it isn’t.”

“You don’t know.”

“No I don’t.” No matter how loud Maria was getting Eliza never raised her voice in the slightest. “I have no idea about what you’ve gone through. Not really.”

“I- maybe I didn’t want it the first time. Maybe I-” Maria bit her lip. She remembered the fear that had overpowered her as she cried for her mama to save her. She remembered the betrayal as nothing happened, as her mama shot up while her daughter was being-

Maria shuddered.

Maria could also remember what happened after. She remembered lying on the bed for such a long time as she continued to sob. She remembered how she walked to the shower and tried to wash away what had happened. She remembered the horror, how she’d sunk to her knees underneath the spray and just sobbed as if that could have made her less empty.

Then she’d walked out to find her mama high on a drug Maria had paid for with her innocence.

“Reynolds forced you Maria. Maybe you don’t realise it but you- I don’t think you ever wanted it. Did you?”

“I was fine with it. I-”

“That wasn’t what I asked. I- I don’t want to know if you could cope. I wanted to know if you wanted it.”

“Course I didn’t.” Maria sat back down. “It’s scary and it hurts. It ain’t anything good but _I’m_ plenty good at it. I could do it.”

“You shouldn’t have had to.” Eliza hugged Maria close. Maria wasn’t sure why but her own eyes began to brim with tears.

“I- It’s the only thing I’m good at.”

“No it isn’t.”

“No-one got any use for me if I don’t do it. It’s what I was made for and all I’ll ever do.”

“Who told you that?”

“First foster family. They figured it out quick. Then Reynolds said it plenty.”

“Do you believe it?”

“Course. I ain’t much more than a whore, doll.”

“Yeah you are.” Eliza sighed. “Maria I know you don’t know it but you’re wonderful. You- you-”

“I ain’t done nothing. All those people at school mad at Tommy? They aughta be mad at me. Knew how bad it got for Herc. Didn’t keep anything from me. I knew when it was going to shit.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“Reynolds told me he’d kill me if I ever thoughta telling on him.”

“Then that’s why you didn’t do it.”

“Reynolds never proper hurt me, Eliza. Nothing- nothing permanent.”

“Did he ever hurt you long term?”

“Once.” Maria muttered.

“When?”

“Just before he got Herc. Threw me down a set of stairs.”

“Jesus.” Eliza breathed out. Maria shrugged.

“Broke a few ribs and didn’t wanna do anything case I broke more.”

“Why did he do that?”

“I said no. Only time I ever told him that.”

“Is that why you don’t say it?”

“Don’t say it cause there’s no point. No-one’s gonna listen to me. Might as well save my breath.”

Eliza sighed and hugged Maria close again. Maria felt tears slip down her own face and she didn’t understand.

She’d got used to feeling wrong, just as she had after the first time. She knew what people thought when they saw her and she knew that they were right. She knew her debts and she knew how to repay them. Any time she’d seen the posters about consent she’d walked past them.

Consent wasn’t something she dared think about. She didn’t dare think about someone who would stop if she asked them to, who would make it stop hurting just because she wanted it. Consent to her was something for other people, better people.

Eliza deserved consent. Maria didn’t.

 

 

Later that day, Maria approached Alexander. He glanced up as she walked into his room.

“Maria?”

“Hey.” Maria moved onto his bed and he frowned.

“Is there something-” Before Alexander could finish his sentence, Maria was kissing him. He blinked in surprise as her hands fumbled for his zipper. Alexander paused for a second as he forced his brain to come online but then he was pushing her backwards. She landed on the floor, hard and he stood. He stared at her in horror.

“What the hell?” James gasped out. Maria stood and took a step towards him again. Alexander grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back. Maria’s face was covered in tears.

“Don’t say no to this. Just-”

“Maria?” Jefferson’s voice seemed to break Maria out of her trance and she collapsed to her knees. Jefferson glanced to Alexander and took in his ruffled appearance. Jefferson strode forwards, fury in his eyes.

“I didn’t do anything!” Alexander spat out as he held his hands up. Jefferson glared at him for a moment before he nodded.

“Get the fuck out of here.” Jefferson snarled. Alexander rolled his eyes but acquiesced. Jefferson then slowly crouched down.

“Hey Maria. What’s going on?”

“Why don’t anyone want it, Tommy? I just-”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jefferson sat down but didn’t make any move to touch Maria. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

“Why don’t they want it?”

“Because they don’t. Because people don’t always want sex.”

“But they do.”

“Maria-” Jefferson broke off. He wanted to hug Maria but he knew that she would agree to anything, no matter how much discomfort it would put her in.

“If they don’t then I ain’t got nothing.”

“Then we’ll get you something. I’ll teach you how to- to knit.” Maria sniffled a laugh at that. “Hercules’ll teach you how to sew. James’ll teach you how to write essays. You are not defined by having sex, Maria. It’s something you were forced to do. You never have to do it again.”

“That ain’t-”

“No. I’m serious. If you want to, you can never have sex again. You can live your life without it.”

“Ain’t gonna work if Eliza wants it.”

“Eliza wants _you_ , Maria. She doesn’t want you for that. She wanted you because of who you actually are.”

“I got nothing to give her.”

“She doesn’t want anything more than what you already have given her. You’ve given her time, affection and love. That’s not nothing.”

“Tommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you hug me?”

“Of course.” Jefferson leaned forwards and Maria threw her arms around him. She clung to him like a life preserver.

 

When Maria had calmed down, Jefferson took her hand and walked to the sisters’ room. He knocked gently on the door. It opened to reveal all three sisters. Eliza stood as she saw Maria’s tears. Jefferson slowly pushed Maria into one of the seats.

“Eliza, we need to talk.”

“Should I stay?” Angelica asked. Jefferson glanced to Maria before he nodded. Peggy left quietly.

“Maria?” Jefferson prompted. Maria glanced around the room and shifted uncomfortably.

“Is this about what happened earlier?” Eliza asked. Maria nodded and Eliza sighed. “Maria…”

“What happened earlier?” Angelica asked.

“We had a conversation.” Eliza said softly. “About consent.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Maria sighed. “I ain’t got the words for this, Tommy.”

“Maria doesn’t understand consent.”

“I do get consent. It’s just-”

“You think it doesn’t apply to you.”

“Yeah.”

“Why not?” Angelica asked in confusion. Maria shrugged.

“Ain’t bothered before now.”

“Are you talking about Reynolds?” Angelica’s voice was soft. She didn’t fully blame Maria for not telling them about their father but she wasn’t happy with the decision.

“Reynolds sure, all of them.”

“Wait, Reynolds wasn’t the first?” Angelica glanced to Jefferson who just sighed.

“Not the first by a long way. Don’t remember my age first time but it wasn’t old. Before my mama died. She actually…” Maria trailed off, not wanting to vocalise that her mother had allowed it to happen, had done nothing to stop it but had actually allowed it. She had taken Maria’s consent away so many years ago, Maria wasn’t sure how she was meant to find it again.

“God.” Angelica breathed out.

“It ain’t a big thing. Consent just ain’t something for me.”

“Consent is for everyone. That’s the point.” Jefferson stated. Maria rolled her eyes.

“I know you think that Tommy but it ain’t-”

“It is, Maria.” Angelica cut in. “Consent isn’t an either or option. It isn’t something you can opt out of just because you don’t want to. Consent has to be given. It has to be given freely and openly. If it isn’t then it’s rape.”

“Stop saying that! I weren’t raped!” Maria shouted out. Angelica stared at her in amazement at that before she glanced to Jefferson.

“Yeah you were.” Angelica didn’t seem to understand and Maria wanted to scream. “You were forced to have sex with people.”

“I never fought them off!”

“What would they have done if you did?”

“I dunno.” Maria folded her arms. She knew what they would have done; they would have forced her anyway.

“You were hurt and what you wanted wasn’t considered. You were-”

“I fucking wasn’t!” Maria shouted. “Don’t-”

“Why are you so scared of it?” Eliza asked softly. Maria sighed.

“Rape’s a crime. Crimes have victims. I ain’t a victim in this. I made it happen because-” Maria paused. “It was- I ain’t a victim in all this, doll. I know what I look like, I know what it makes people feel.”

“That doesn’t mean they should have r-” Angelica sighed, “have sex with you.”

“But it means they can. It was their right.”

“No it wasn’t.” Eliza sighed. “You should have the power to say no. To say no to this. If you can’t say no to this then it’s rape.”

“Still don’t like that word.” Maria sniffed. She didn’t want to be a victim.

“Okay.” Eliza smiled softly. “Then we don’t need to say it. You just need to understand.”

“I don’t wanna have been raped, doll. I don’t-” Maria could feel tears welling in her eyes. “It-” Jefferson sighed.

“What you call it doesn’t matter, Maria. You were forced into having sex. You don’t have to do it again and if you do then it’s a crime.”

“I don’t-” Maria began to cry and Jefferson frowned. He wanted to hug her but he knew he shouldn’t. He needed to remind her that her body was her own. “I don’t wanna’ve been the victim. I- I thought- I thought it was power. I could make people fall apart easy. Don’t matter their age, gender or strength. I could make them fall apart easy. I- I don’t wanna’ve been the victim.”

“You still have that power.” Eliza said softly. “The fact that it’s been abused doesn’t change anything. You’re not weaker for being raped, you’re stronger for having survived it. The world’s done terrible things to you, Maria. It’s done terrible things to all of us. You’re not helpless. You’ll never be helpless as long as I’m here. I swear.”

“I was the victim?” Maria whispered, more to herself than anyone. She suddenly couldn’t hold back her tears as she curled in on herself and just sobbed for all the years that had been lost to the vicious lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason I've been keeping Maria and Hamilton very far apart so far? Because Say No To This makes me uncomfortable. I have a lot of thoughts about that song and none of them are complimentary to Hamilton.
> 
> Also this is now my most chaptered fic! It's still lagging behind the previous winner in views but tbf that fic did take a year to post. And we're only just under halfway through this fic!


	41. Hamilton Sit Down

Alexander glared at the desk in front of him. The Principal was staring at him as he waited for an answer.

“Hamilton?”

“I don’t want to be put down a year.” Alexander muttered. The principal sighed.

“With your grades it would be almost impossible for you to pass this year.”

“I can do it.”

“Hamilton, it would be easier if you were put down a year. After everything that has happened to you it makes more sense-”

“I don’t want to be put down a year.”

“Well then,” the man sighed, “I suggest you get your act together. Your teachers will be able to provide you with more work but they cannot dedicate their teaching time to you. You will have to find someone outside of school.”

“What if I don’t?”

“You can attempt to teach yourself but I think you’ll find that difficult. Now then, if there is nothing else I suggest it is time for you to go home.”

“Yes sir.” Alexander stood and slunk out of the room. Lafayette and Hercules were waiting outside for him.

“Mon ami, what did he want?”

“Threatened to put me down a year. Fucking bullshit is what it is.”

“Language. Anyway, you are falling behind on your work.”

“I’m smart enough to do anything in this school. Why can’t they fucking notice that?”

“Petite lion, often we do not understand all that we see.”

“Also, you don’t put in the work to pass the tests.”

“Fuck the tests. Not gonna do a fucking thing for me if I fail or pass.”

“Mon ami, why do you not think anything will happen?”

“No-one will want me in a Uni, Laf! It’s always been the same, some bullshit reason. It doesn’t matter how fucking intelligent I am because school decides to push me down.”

“You do not truly believe that?”

“Never got onto the fucking best table. I could run circles around every other person. I knew more than them and every single test I scored less on. School is bullshit.”

“It appears as if you are merely lacking the skills, mon ami.”

“It’s a test of intelligence why the fuck do I need skills?”

“Cause it’s high school. Nothing’s fair.”

Alexander scowled at that before putting an earbud into his ear. Lafayette rolled his eyes and turned to Hercules instead.

 

When the three walked into Yorktown, Washington was waiting for them. Alexander stared at him warily.

“Alexander, a word.” Washington turned and walked into his office. Alexander glanced back at his friends who just shrugged. He slunk into the room before closing the door behind him.

“Sir?”

“Sit down.” Washington walked to the other side of the desk and sat down. “The principal called me.”

“What’d he say?”

“He told me that your grades are unacceptable and you might be put down a year.”

“I’ll get them back up.”

“I’m not sure if that’s possible.”

“Anything’s possible.”

“I don’t think it’s possible on your own.  Your results in history are frankly terrible. Even your English grade is not what I’d expect from someone with your intelligence or determination.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I was going to hire a tutor but then I realised I had someone more suited to the job.”

“Who is it?”

“Jefferson.”

“No.” Alexander stated. “I am _not_ letting him teach me.”

“Alexander, he is by far the most qualified in this house to teach you.”

“What about James?”

“James’ medical issues tend to react badly to stress.”

“Are you saying I’m stressful?”

“Jefferson has already agreed to this.”

“Really?”

“Yes. So, either you can accept Jefferson’s help or you can attempt to raise your grades on your own.”

“I-” Alexander scowled. “Fine. I’ll accept his fucking help.”

“I’m glad to hear that. He’s waiting in his room for you.”

“It starts now?”

“Yes.”

Alexander groaned before he stood. He walked out of the room and scowled. Best to get this over with. While the idea of leaving Jefferson waiting for him was satisfying he knew it wouldn’t help anything.

Alexander knocked on Jefferson’s door and pushed it open before Jefferson could say anything. Jefferson turned to him with a look of disgust.

“Hamilton.”

“Jefferson.”

“Sit down.”

Alexander slowly sat and took one of his paper pads out of his school bag. Jefferson glared at it in distain as he saw how scruffy it was.

“So where do you want to start?” Jefferson asked. Alexander shrugged. “Well, what bit are you failing then?”

“Founding fathers.” Alexander muttered. “There are too many of them and all the laws they put into place were laws for the seventeen hundreds rather than the twenty first century we’re in now. Most of them were racist pieces of shit who didn’t give a damn about anyone apart from themselves.”

“Wow. And you wonder why you’re failing.”

“I’m failing cause it’s fucking bullshit.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“There’s nothing I can fucking do.”

“Don’t give me that crap. Something’s wrong, what are you going to do?”

Alexander glared at him before he glanced down at the pad of paper in front of him.

“Change it.”

“Exactly.”

“But I’m powerless! Don’t tell me any bullshit about changing the system while I’m still in it. It’s impossible.”

“I’m not. I don’t fucking want to teach you alright? I think that you’re arrogant,” Alexander snorted, “self-centred and selfish. I think that you’re a hothead who’s just as likely to crash and burn as to actually succeed. I also fucking think you could succeed.”

“What?”

“I don’t care about you, Hamilton but I do care about the people here and the people out there. If you drop out of school or drop out of Uni you’ll end up nowhere real. Sure, maybe you’ll be happy running a bodega in New York but you won’t change a damn thing. If you do this? If you follow the, as you put it, bullshit system? Then maybe you could actually fucking do something with your life.”

“So you’re teaching me so that I can do something with my life?”

“Yeah. Now shut up and listen to me cause I’m gonna have to repeat this a few times to get it through your thick fucking skull.”

 

The next hour passed in the same way. Alexander was trying, he really was. Jefferson was trying, in both meanings of the word. Whenever he noticed Alexander wasn’t paying attention he’d throw a bit of paper at him. By the end of the hour he had very little paper.

“Are we fucking done yet?”

“Why are you being so stubborn? I know you’re not as stupid as you look!”

“Maybe it’s because you’re a shit teacher!”

“Maybe it’s because you can’t fucking pay attention! You weren’t taking in any of this!”

“Cause it’s boring.”

“You have the Federalist papers for light reading!” Jefferson all but shouted. Alexander glared at him.

“They’re at least interesting.”

“And the founding fathers, the people who built our nation from nothing aren’t?”

“It-it’s not that!”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just- I can concentrate on the papers! It’s like- like everything else falls away and it doesn’t matter anymore. School is- it’s not the same. Everyone expects me to fail so why should I even bother?”

“To prove them wrong.”

“There’s no they.” Alexander spat out. “There’s no-one to defeat Jefferson. There’s nothing I can do. I’m- I’m just someone else the school system is sick of.”

“And so what? You’re going to give up?”

“There’s nothing else I can do.”

“Cut the crap, Alexander. There’s always something you can do. I have a 4.0 average. I got that while being moved around foster homes, being in hospital and being on trial. You know why? Because every single second I spend working I know is another second I get closer to doing something with my goddamn life.”

“It’s a second closer to your death.”

“Don’t be melodramatic. So maybe I’ll die without doing anything. I don’t give a shit. I don’t want to leave a legacy or some bullshit. I want to change things in my life. I don’t care who sees it. I want to help people like us, people who have been abandoned so many fucking times they don’t have anywhere left! I want to help them and I need to fucking work for that!”

“I don’t-”

“You wanna do something? You work for it. There’s no easy way for us. There’s no safety net. If we fuck up then it’s permanent. If we do something good then we have to repeat it again and again until someone finally notices it.”

“One of my families noticed it.” Alexander hissed. Jefferson rolled his eyes.

“Hamilton, if you try to pull the sympathy card then I’ve not nothing for you.”

“You were the one who pulled the criminal card!”

“Because it was relevant!”

“I’m not trying to compete with you here, Jefferson. I’m trying to explain! I do try. I do try to do good but I can’t concentrate. It’s so fucking boring!”

Jefferson frowned at him.

“What?”

“How long’s it been a problem?”

“It’s not an actual problem okay? My mama tested me for it and they didn’t find anything.”

“What were they testing for?”

“ADD.”

“Why were you not diagnosed?”

“My mama died so I was a bit more focused.”

“Get tested.”

“What? I told you there’s nothing fucking wrong with me! I can concentrate-”

“Hyper focus.” Jefferson spoke over Alexander. “Hyper focus is a symptom of ADD. ADD isn’t lack of concentration, it’s the wrong levels at the wrong time.”

“Stop trying to fucking diagnose me Jefferson. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Fine.” Jefferson shoved Alexander’s pad of paper towards him. “Do the stuff I told you to do and you should be a bit better. Come back tomorrow and we’ll do trigonometry or something.”

Alexander stood and walked to the door. He paused as Jefferson spoke.

“Look it up, Alexander. It’ll help.”

Alexander didn’t bother responding.

 

Alexander fucking hated when Jefferson was right. He also hated that it was so goddamn often. He was staring at his phone screen as he scrolled down the symptom list. It was him. It was him in a way he couldn’t explain.

The things he had thought were unique to him, were just quirks to his personality, weren’t. They were an illness there was no cure for. He was broken.

Alexander had known that for a long time. Since his cousin died, Alexander knew he was broken and it had only grown over the years. He’d never had an illness to blame for it, a name for it.

An illness with no cure, with no recovery, with nothing. An illness he’d always had and never noticed. Alexander hunched into himself slightly. If he’d missed this, missed this illness so integral to his life, what else had he missed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to go a lot more into ADD and Hamilton and his feelings towards having it and accepting it. This is mostly a gut reaction and it will get better  
> Also, please don't ask me who the founding fathers were in this verse. I've seen some AUs who make up new people or substitute other people at the time for the founders (side note, the best example I've come across of this is 'Seasons of Hamilsquad' by cutielemon07. Please, please, please go read it. The entire series is amazing and the author is still updating. I personally think it's slow to start but it is just so fucking amazing and I probably accidentally took some ideas from them.) anyway, I don't know American politics as I am a Brit who just doesn't know that stuff. So yeah, the federalist papers exist. Yeah, Thomas Jefferson was a founding father. The others? fuck if i know (this is reminding me of 'ice cold perfection' where i couldn't even decide if the main characters were in high school or were adults)


	42. We're In The Shit Now

Hercules got the text early in the morning. He only had to look at it for a few second before he was on his feet and halfway across the room.

**From: Unknown**

**Can we meet up today? The park by our house, 10 AM? - Ellie**

**To: Unknown**

**I’ll be there. Promise**

Hercules waited for a response but when nothing came he put the phone down. He knew that his word meant almost nothing now, he’d broken enough promises. He hoped Ellie still believed some things. Like how much he loved her and how much he’d sacrifice for her.

As he walked down the stairs he heard the house come to life. Burr stepped out of his room, already fully dressed. The sister’s door opened as Angelica walked out quietly. Hercules knew the other two would take a while to wake, neither being early birds.

“Hey.” Angelica whispered to Hercules. Hercules nodded in response and carried walking down the stairs. “Have you heard anything from your family yet?”

“Yeah actually.” Hercules smiled as he spoke. “Ellie got in contact with me. I’m meeting her today.”

“That’s great! I’m glad her foster parents finally saw sense.” Hercules didn’t say anything to that. He had a distinct feeling that they didn’t. “Herc, her foster parents do know, right?”

“I didn’t ask.” Hercules’ answer was met with a weary sigh from Angelica.

“Sneaking off won’t help your case, Herc.”

“Nothing will. They read the pamphlet, Angelica they think I’m-” Hercules broke off, forcing himself to take a calming breath. “They know everything that happened.”

“You did it to protect your family.” Angelica’s tone was gentle. Hercules snorted at her words.

“And look where that got them.”

“Herc look, you know how I feel about what you did. It was beyond stupid but it was a sacrifice you made, knowing how much it would hurt you.”

“It didn’t-”

“You still get nightmares.” Angelica cut him off. “I- I don’t know how you managed it.”

“You did the same for you sisters.”

“I did nothing like what you did.”

“You let yourself be hurt so they’d have a better life.”

“I had Eliza. I had someone who knew. Before I told her, my life was a living hell. It took me forever to trust her. You’ve had no-one. Give it time and you’ll heal.”

Hercules didn’t want to correct her. He didn’t have the heart to.

 

Hercules slowly cut the food in front of him in half. He could feel Angelica’s eyes on him but he ignored her. Jefferson was too busy glancing at James’ overfull plate to say anything to Hercules.

He took in a deep breath and pushed more of the food to the left, to the side he didn’t get to eat. He then slowly forced some of the right side down his throat. He had to do this right, he had to do it perfectly because what if he didn’t? What if he messed up his meeting with Ellie just because he couldn’t control this?

Hercules bit his lip as he stared down at the plate. Jefferson looked up and frowned. Had he noticed?

“Are you okay?”

Hercules looked up, ready to answer, but before he did he heard a chair scraping back. James stood and groaned gently. He looked thin and sick. Hercules winced. How dare he imagine he looked sick?

He’d never been through the trials James had been through, he’d never lost his parents or been abandoned. He hadn’t fallen sick or had a leg removed. He didn’t wake up screaming from night terrors that wouldn’t leave. He didn’t have days when he was consigned to a wheelchair and forced to stay inside, just in case a seizure hit. He had never nearly been killed.

Hercules wasn’t sick, he was just weak.

“Yeah.” James muttered. “Headache.”

James half stumbled from the room, Jefferson following. As all eyes were on the door no-one noticed Hercules swapping his nearly full plate with James’ almost empty one. He finally felt as if he could breathe.

When the time for him to leave rolled around, Hercules was nervously fiddling with his phone, not even doing anything, just passing it between his hands. The walk did nothing to calm his nerves, his heart just pounded louder in his ears as he walked.

As he reached the park he slowed until he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He used to come here after school almost every day. Then he came here most weekends with his siblings. He hadn’t been here in months, too busy with Reynolds.

But, as always, there was a bench next to a large tree. The tree provided shelter for anyone sitting on the bench but no-one was stupid enough to be sitting in the cold at this time of years. No-one apart from his little sister.

“Ellie!” Hercules cried out, rushing forwards. She turned just in time for him to hug her, bringing her close to his chest as if he never wanted to let her go. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too, Herc.” Hercules could feel tears beginning to soak into his shirt but he didn’t care. His baby sister was back. “We- we need to talk, Herc.”

“Of course.” Hercules sat on the bench and she retook her own seat. She bit her lip before starting slowly.

“I need to know the truth. Ab-about everything.”

“Everything?” Hercules asked in trepidation. Ellie just nodded back. Hercules took in a sigh. “It’s not nice, El.”

“I need to know Herc! You- you were hurting for so long and I didn’t help.”

“You couldn’t help. I didn’t let you. This isn’t your fault in any way, Ellie. You need to remember that.”

“When did it start?”

“When Mom first got sick. Pneumonia, I think it was. I didn’t have a job then, I just helped around the house. I tried to get a job but-” Hercules shrugged. “There was nothing. No-one wanted to hire me. I started spending more time worrying over our finances than schoolwork. I hadn’t expected to look after you lot and suddenly I had to. The teachers started noticing it and-” Hercules trailed off and Ellie picked it up.

“Reynolds.”

“Yeah. He approached me and told me he’d give me money. I was desperate. Th-the money let me buy Mom medicine. I had enough to feed you. I didn’t think I’d need to do it again.” Hercules could feel his chin trembling but he tried to resist breaking down. “I- I did. I spent the next month going to Reynolds when he wanted me.”

“And you- you slept with him?” Ellie’s voce was soft and Hercules nodded, letting his head hang low.

“I- we needed money. He would give it to me.”

“You got real sick back then. Did he do something?”

“No. I was- it-” Hercules broke off. “I was disgusted with myself. I- when Mom got better I did as well because at least what I was doing had done something good. Then Mom couldn’t keep a job. No-one wanted to hire me and we had used up everything to help Mom. Reynolds approached me and he- he told me that I had to continue our deal or he’d tell everyone. He- he said you’d be taken away and that he could- he could hurt you.”

“Herc…” Ellie whispered. Hercules shook his head.

“I went back to Reynolds occasionally. Not- not much.”

“But it got worse.”

“When Mom got sick again. She needed more treatment than we could hope to pay for. I went back. I- I asked for a raise. For a loan. He then made me go in every day. I lost the job I had. I-” Hercules shook his head, tears beginning to dribble down his face. “I was so empty, Ellie. I- I didn’t want it to happen, I never wanted it but I had to.”

“You should have told us!” Ellie whispered, tears gathering in her eyes.

“I know. I just- I didn’t want you to think less of me.”

“You sacrificed your mental stability for us, Herc! You- you sacrificed everything.”

“I left you in charge of children, Ellie. I put myself in danger, stupidly. If I’d looked more then I would have found a job. If I had forced Mom to get better insurance then I would never have needed to do any of this. If-”

“Shut up, Herc.” Ellie’s hands were clenched into fists in her lap. “Just shut up! You- you’re not an adult! You shouldn’t be making those decisions! You should never have done any of this! I hate Mom for-”

“It’s not her fault.” Hercules cut in. “It’s my fault.”

“It’s Reynolds’ fault.”

“No.” Hercules sighed, closing his eyes. “I hate what he did but it’s not his fault. He helped me. It wasn’t charity but- he helped me Ellie. He gave me what I needed.”

“And he took everything else.”

“Yeah.”

“You lied to me, Herc.”

“What?”

“When I confronted you after Mom’s surgery. You told me you weren’t doing this.”

“I wanted to protect you, El. I never wanted you to know about this. If I- if I had control then I would never have told anyone a word about this. But I wasn’t strong enough. First it was Maria, then Jefferson and now I can’t seem to stop talking about it.”

“Get a therapist. Please, Herc. You need someone to talk to. Someone trained.”

“I don’t-”

“Don’t lie to me again, Herc.” Ellie’s voice took on a threatening tone and Hercules looked up in surprise. “Don’t you fucking dare. You’ve somehow managed to convince yourself that this is your fault, that everything that happened was on your shoulders. You were manipulated into sleeping with a fully grown adult! You were raped!” Ellie’s voice quavered at that word and her eyes filled with tears. Hercules sighed and pulled her closer.

“I wasn’t. It was-” Hercules broke off. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to say he’d always wanted it but that would be a lie and they both knew it. He hadn’t wanted it, had never really wanted it. But he had to do it so he’d done it. “It’s in the past, El. All of that.”

“If you had to, would you do it now?” Ellie’s face was wet with tears but she was still staring stubbornly at Hercules. He paused for several long moments. He would. He would, without a doubt. If his family was in danger he’d do anything to protect them, even knowing what it would do to him. The silence told Ellie everything she needed to know. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do it Herc. Don’t put yourself before us again. Never. Please.”

“El I- I can’t promise that, okay?”

“You have to! I- I can’t sleep! I keep on remembering when you were acting weird! I keep on remembering the bruises I saw. You brushed them off and I didn’t even think! I keep on thinking- thinking about what he did to you! What they all-” Ellie broke off into sobs and Hercules looked down. He wanted to hug her but he knew she didn’t want him, not just then. “I wouldn’t have done it. If-if Reynolds had said that to me. I would have told him to go fuck himself.”

“Language.”

“I would have told him and gone to the police! I would never have let that happen. I would never have sacrificed myself like that. You- Herc, you could have died!”

“I didn’t. I-”

“You came close. I saw you, Herc. You looked- you looked dead by the end. I- I thought you were ill! I thought you were addicted I thought-” Ellie shook her head. “I love you, Herc. I do. But I could never have done that for you. You’re- you don’t have a survival instinct and I need you to have it. I couldn’t stand losing my big brother.”

“You won’t. You’ll never lose me. When this is sorted-”

“It won’t be sorted. Mom’s talking about putting us into foster care full time. She can’t support us, she says. She-”

“I won’t let her! I’ll take you in. I’ve- I’m eighteen next year, I can take you in. I can look after you!”

“But you can’t look after yourself.” Ellie sniffed, rubbing at her nose. “I don’t want to live with you, Herc. I don’t wanna look about the younger three. I wanna be a teenager. I wanna do stupid stuff without constantly wondering where the next meal’s coming from. I don’t want that life, Herc. And neither do you. Don’t try to take us out of foster care. Don’t try to get out of it yourself. Mom might get better, might get back on her feet and if she does then we’ll go home. Until then, she’s still our mom and you’re still our brother but we can’t act like their parents.”

“El-”

“No. Promise me you won’t try to leave Yorktown. Promise me you’ll look after yourself. Promise me, Herc.”

Hercules stared at Ellie for a long time. She looked much older than she was. She looked tired as well. She looked ready to collapse, as if she was a breath away from it. She didn't look like his baby sister anymore. He knew that was his fault. He hadn't done enough, as usual.

“I promise.” Hercules whispered. “I promise.”

 

That night at Yorktown Hercules didn’t bother coming down for the evening meal. Instead he lay in his bed fighting back the tears that streaked down his face. After a few hours the hunger pangs began to overcome him and he closed his eyes and smiled.

Just a bit more control. That was all he needed. A bit more and he might be able to be happy. If that meant sacrificing food then he’d do it. He’d do anything just to be happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 43 is an amazing chapter btw. (And we are so close to 47 which is possibly my favourite chapter in this entire story) but, next chapter someone finally gets what they deserve and there's less angst than there is here (a bit, anyway)
> 
> Also, fun fact, originally Reynolds didn't really exist. I wrote Maria's chapter after Hercules' and he was just going to be her first foster father rather than her last one. Instead, Hercules' story line was a lot more about how he was struggling with money and looking after his family and keeping up with schoolwork and friends. It was going to be a lot more that he didn't want to complain or ask for help because he knew his friends were going through horrific stuff but he needed help as well. Then that chapter refused to be written and I decided to bring Reynolds into it


	43. Which I Wrote

James didn’t get mad about a lot of things. He got mad at Jefferson when he went off on one unnecessarily but as their relationship continued James found out Jefferson didn’t do that a lot. James didn’t get mad when he was looked down on, there was just no point, he’d never stop getting mad. James didn’t even get mad when Jefferson staggered home with a split lip and a smile that didn’t quite meet his tear soaked cheeks.

When James read his own article in the paper he was confused. When he saw Samuel Seabury’s name written at the bottom of the page he got mad.

James didn’t understand for several long moments. He stared at it as if that would make his words vanish, as if Seabury’s words would appear as they should.

Nothing happened.

“What are you reading?” Angelica asked as she sat down next to him. James shrugged and passed the paper to her.

“Seabury wrote an essay.” The words tasted like charcoal on his tongue but he didn’t care. He turned back to his plate which was twice the size of Angelica’s. Somehow he was still losing weight. “It’s pretty good.”

“About representation in the media? I’m surprised. I would have thought he’d say there should be less.”

“Well.” James shrugged before he turned back to his meal. Angelica frowned.

“Is something wrong, James?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

James paused. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to rant and rave about Seabury because how dare he do this? How dare he ridicule James and then steal his work? The work James had poured so much time into? How dare Seabury take James’ work on _representation_? How dare he steal the work and time and memories from a disabled person and then mocked him as if-

“It’s fine.” James choked out. Angelica continued to stare until she turned back to her own meal, obviously deciding that it wasn’t worth the argument.

 

James thought that Seabury would keep it quiet, would at least leave James the dignity of ignoring him. He didn’t, because why the fuck would he? When was the last time the world had helped James out, after all?

As soon as English started, Seabury was at the front of the class lording it over everyone else in the room. The teacher let it happen. She seemed to be more worried with the hangover she was nursing than the boy taking over her teaching time.

Jefferson was sat next to James and he nudged the other boy gently.

“Did Seabury write this?”

“What do you mean?”

“It sounds like you.”

“It’s Seabury’s work.” There was no point arguing it. He didn’t have any proof.

Jefferson frowned before he went back to idly flicking paper balls at Alexander, two rows in front of them. When Seabury sat down he sent James a smug smirk and James felt anger begin to boil in him.

Apparently being featured in a national paper got you a lot of smugness. Not even Alexander was trying to stop Seabury from celebrating. Alexander hated Seabury. While Jefferson kept on shooting Seabury confused looks he didn’t say anything. Throughout the day James felt the anger bubbling in the base of his stomach grow hotter until he could barely hold it in.

It came to a head at the end of the day. The bus had been delayed for some reason and the Yorktown kids were waiting patiently (apart from Alexander. Alexander never did anything patiently. James ignored him.)

Seabury was waiting for his own bus when he spotted James. A smile spread across his face as he began to advance. James sighed.

“Madison!”

“Sam.” James replied. He could feel the eyes on the back of his head. There was plenty of animosity between the other members of Yorktown and Seabury. James had heard what Seabury had done to Maria and what he’d said to Hercules before Christmas. As James thought of that he felt the rage continue to build in his gut.

“Did you see my essay?”

“Yes.” James turned back to the road, hoping the conversation was over. Seabury seemed to have other ideas.

“Did you like it?” Seabury’s voice became almost taunting.

“It had interesting ideas.”

“I thought I’d written it spectacularly. I had to have done if it was posted in a national paper after all. I wonder if that’s something that looks good to colleges?”

“I wouldn’t know.” James curled one of his hands into a fist as Seabury continued.

“Seabury, knock it off.” Angelica scolded as she saw James becoming angry. She glanced back at her sisters who were just staring at James in confusion. James didn’t get angry.

“I just wanted to send my commiserations.” James took in a long deep breath as Seabury continued. “Turns out your _kind_ of representation wasn’t good enough.” Seabury glanced down at James leg and that was it.

The anger that had been building in James’ stomach all day released itself in a cry and a punch. Seabury was knocked backwards and James advanced before Jefferson’s arms were around his chest.

“Fuck you!” James shouted. He knew the people were watching but he didn’t care. “You piece of shit! You-”

“Stop it!” Angelica cried out. Seabury leapt to his feet and approached James again. James kicked out which caught Seabury in the shin.

“You freak!” Seabury roared. James growled but then he was being pulled, he was pushed to the side and Jefferson’s face was in front of him and the boy’s arms were around his.

“Stop.” Jefferson stated, staring at James as if he was almost afraid. James stared back at him for a moment before trying to push back. Jefferson let go in surprise and James fell to the ground. His head cracked against the floor and he groaned gently. He turned to the side and saw Seabury approaching, being held back by Jefferson. Jefferson got a punch across his face and then there was blood dribbling down his face. He shouted something James couldn’t make out.

Suddenly James tasted metal in the air. He saw a second punch coming and he went to say something, to warn Jefferson, but nothing came out as his back arched upwards.

James had just enough time to see Jefferson fall to the floor before his eyes closed.

 

James woke up in his bed. His head was pounding and his mouth was fuzzy. The metallic taste hadn’t left his mouth. He groaned weakly and sat up. There was no-one else in the room and he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He’d had a seizure in front of Seabury. He’d had a seizure just as Seabury was mocking him. He was weak, just as Seabury had said.

James hauled himself to his feet and fell back down as he noticed someone had removed his prosthetic. He stared at it for several long moments before he picked up his phone.

**To: Jefferson**

**Where’s my leg?**

No reply came.

James stared at the phone for several minutes before setting it down. He stood and grabbed his crutches as he crossed the room to the door. The walk to the living room was long and exhausting. He didn’t see anyone until he was in the actual room.

Angelica was holding an ice bag to her eye and Jefferson was talking to her in a soft voice. As James walked in, everyone looked up. Jefferson was on his feet in a moment but he paused.

James sat on one of the chairs. He didn’t have the energy to wonder why Jefferson, who had seen him at his worst, wouldn’t approach him.

“What the hell happened?” James asked with a raspy voice. Jefferson slowly sat.

“You got into a fight.” His voice was subdued and he kept on watching James cautiously, as if he’d grown another head.

“I meant after that.”

“You had a seizure,” Angelica supplied, “so we brought you back here.”

“How long was I out for?”

“About an hour.” Jefferson’s voice was still soft, as if he expected James to yell or something.

“Where’s my leg?”

“It broke.”

“It broke?” James asked in astonishment.

“Seabury stomped on it.”

“Yeah that would have done it.” James sighed. “I-” he trailed off. “I should probably go to Washington.” It was more of a statement than a question as he rose. He used the chair for support until he could grasp the crutches again. He closed the door behind him and leant against the wall.

He could say a lot about seizures. Some of his seizures left him bedridden for a day as he fought off the aura. Some put his life in danger. This one had done neither, it had done something worse; it had embarrassed him. His seizures had done that more than enough times in the past. There was a reason Jefferson was normally the only person James let be there after a seizure. Jefferson had told James things that could destroy him, details about a snowy night and blood that wouldn’t wash off, blood that wasn’t all his own.

James knew the worst of Jefferson and Jefferson knew the worst of James. It worked, in some weird, probably too co-dependant to be healthy, kind of way.

He pushed himself off the wall and entered Washington’s office without knocking. Washington looked up and stood before James took a seat.

“Hello James.”

“Hello.” James coughed gently and Washington frowned.

“How are you feeling?”

“Not great. I have a headache coming on.”

“An after effect of your seizure?”

“Probably.” James frowned, Washington was trying to avoid the topic. Well, two could play at that game. “It’s probably just part of the aura.”

“The tests you had done before Christmas didn’t show your epilepsy getting worse, did they?”

“My epilepsy couldn’t get worse without a brain injury.” James chuckled. “I’m unlucky, I’m not quite that unlucky.”

“Could it have happened without you noticing it?”

“Not without permanent brain damage. Either an accident of an illness and the kind of illness I’d need to go through would be obvious to anyone who knew me, sir.”

“Well, I’ll ask Jefferson but I don’t think there’s a problem.” Washington leaned back and watched James for a long moment.

“Sir?”

“We need to have a conversation about what happened earlier.”

“If you don’t mind sir, I’d rather have a conversation about my leg.” James didn’t want to get in an argument with his pseudo father. Not that day, not ever.

“I’ve been in touch with the hospital. There should be one ready for you tomorrow evening.”

“So I’ll go to school without it?”

Washington paused for a moment.

“James, you have been suspended for fighting.”

“Oh.” James blinked dumbly at that. He’d never been suspended. Every time he had come close was because he’d tried to pull someone else away from a fight. “How long?”

“A week.”

“Oh.”

“James, was there a reason for what you did?”

James stared down at his lap. He didn’t want to say it. It was pathetic, calling someone else out on stealing his work. It was infantile. He couldn’t even stand the repercussions. He’d lost his temper and had punched Seabury.

“No sir.”

“I doubt that.”

“What?”

“A lot of the people under my charge seek out fights, James. A lot more take part in them when they occur. You have never been in a fight. You have been here years longer than anyone else. In all that time you have never been in a single fight. This isn’t just out of character James.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

“James,” Washington sighed, “you have a week’s suspension. I suggest you spend that time trying to work out what really happened.”

James nodded before he made the long journey back to his room. He hated the trip between upstairs and downstairs but he knew that he’d need to spend more time in his room. Someone would bring him food when he needed it.

He also didn’t want to go into the living room again just yet. The aura was forcing a headache which probably wouldn’t be helped by Jefferson glancing at him every so often.

When James got up to his room he glanced at the desk before moving to the bed. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to not think about how much of a fool he’d made of himself.

He slipped off to sleep easily and dreamed, once more, about a dark night with snow piled outside the door and a rasping cough that never seemed to stop.

 

The next day James woke up, once more alone. He wasn’t exactly expecting Jefferson to be there but he had hopes. Jefferson wasn’t in the kitchen and James wondered for a moment if he was in school but dismissed that thought. He knew Jefferson wouldn’t have let Seabury get away without punching him therefore there was no way he would be let back into school the next day.

So Jefferson was ignoring him.

James sighed at that thought. He was moving with his crutches which made everything only a little bit easier. He still had to balance his food precariously and in the past he’d spilled it too many times to count.

The table was empty as he sat down and James just flicked through his phone as he ate. He stared at Jefferson’s contact information for a long moment before changing to a different app. Ignoring him, he’d almost forgotten.

With nothing much to do, James went back upstairs. He stared at a blank document for several long minutes before he opened a different document. He grabbed the newspaper from his bag and looked between them.

There was no difference. Seabury hadn’t even changed it in the slightest. James glanced at the typo halfway down the page and smirked as he saw Seabury hadn’t changed that either.

The smile faded away as he realised that this was his work. This should have been his name but instead Seabury had ridiculed him, had spat at him and had taken a piece of work James had poured hours into. James had been humiliated for nothing because his essay was the one that got entered and it wasn’t even his anymore.

James groaned and let his head hit the desk. This was a mess and he hated it.

 

When the rest of the people came home James decided to go downstairs. Angelica was the first to look up and he gaped at the black eye she was sporting.

“What happened?” He asked in astonishment. She frowned at him in confusion.

“Seabury punched me.”

“I didn’t-”

“James, can I have a word? Somewhere private?” Angelica asked softly.

Jefferson stared at James from next to her. His expression was unreadable but his gaze didn’t waver as James left the room.

“I’m so sorry, Angelica I didn’t-”

“This isn’t important, okay?” Angelica put a hand on James’ shoulder and smiled. “I’ve had worse.” James nodded numbly at that. Everyone in Yorktown had. He had never been hit by his parents, had never been hit by anyone apart from children his own age. “What happened, James?”

“I lost my temper.” James didn’t look at her and Angelica frowned.

“I’ve known you for years, James. You’ve never lost your temper, not like that.”

“I was just-” James searched for an excuse but found none.

“Did Seabury do something to you?”

“No.”

“James-”

“It’s not important, okay?”

“You’ve never been in a fight, James.”

“Because I’d never be able to hold my own.” James spat out. Angelica frowned but James just shook his head and tried to tamp down the anger that was threatening to boil over. “I shouldn’t have-”

“Did he say something about your leg?”

“No. We had a dumb argument over the stupid article.”

“When?”

“When he sent it in. I wasn’t happy with what he’d written so-”

“That didn’t sound like him, James.”

“Please don’t, Angelica.”

“Did he write that article?”

“It’s not important.”

“If he didn’t then it is!”

“Stop.” James commanded, an edge entering his voice. Angelica faltered for a moment. “It doesn’t matter what happened, Angelica.”

“Yes it does!”

“Why?”

“Because you deserved that! Because I read that thing! None of it sounded like him! How many times do you think he’s done this?” As Angelica shouted Jefferson walked into the hallway. James didn’t notice, too wrapped up in the argument.

“It doesn’t matter!” James shouted. He turned to leave but Angelica gripped his arm. James whirled around and threw her arm off. She staggered back a few steps. “Go away.” He spat out. Angelica gaped after him before she turned to go back into the living room. She paused as she spotted Jefferson standing in the doorway.

“Thomas?”

“I-” Jefferson shook his head as if he was coming out of some sort of trance. “Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ve never seen him like this.” Jefferson admitted. “I’ve never-”

“I know. He’s just mad though. It’ll pass.”

Jefferson sighed before nodding.

“Yeah. I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chap took me a while because I accidentally added about a thousand words and decided to split this chapter in two. So all the hyping I did for chap 47 is now kinda worthless as it's now chap 48. Tbh I'm gonna forget it so if anyone's curious the chapter is called 'You're in worse shape than the national debt is in' because that is an amazing line. And it's all about Jefferson and I'm so hyped and!!!!  
> The next half of this chapter is not very happy as a warning, it was pretty okay but then the thousand words crept in and... well... man... it'll be happy eventually, okay? just remember that  
> (and no i'm not writing an au of this fucking au which is 100% worse and already has 5k despite me starting it yesterday gfdi i have self control i promise)


	44. Madison Wrote The First Draft, It's A Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I heard some people wanted angst? (that is a lie I don't remember the last time anyone wanted more angst in this story)

As the week of exclusion continued, James barely saw Jefferson. To begin with it could be passed off as chance, it was a big house after all, but then Jefferson got less subtle. If James walked into a room Jefferson walked out. If James knocked on his door Jefferson appeared and said he had to go out and never specified where.

James hated it. Jefferson was the person who was always there. No matter what James did, Jefferson was always there. When James went to the hospital he knew Jefferson would be at Yorktown and they would take anything in stride. They were a unit.

On his own Jefferson tended to self-destruct. He over worked and isolated himself. James could pull him out of those stretches when his nights were filled with snow and the questions of just how intact his soul could remain after what he’d done.

Jefferson had never told James everything. He hadn’t told James quite what had happened to the man, just that he was dead. Jefferson had also said that when he walked up to the house he knew something was going to happen. Either he would die or he’d be a murderer.

When James had asked which one he had wanted, Jefferson had refused to answer.

Two days before James returned to school he decided that it was ridiculous.

He stormed to Jefferson’s room and didn’t bother knocking. He stepped in and Jefferson glanced at him. Jefferson was on his feet in an instant and James could have sworn he was scared for a second.

“James.”

“What’s going on, Jefferson?”

“What do you mean?” Jefferson sat back down but didn’t take his eyes off James. James scowled.

“You’ve been ignoring me for a week! Every time I tried to talk to you, you ran off. We’ve had a week almost alone in the house and I’ve barely seen you. I had a seizure and you haven’t even asked how bad it was!”

“I asked Washington.” Jefferson couldn’t quite meet James’ eyes.

“Something’s wrong.”

“No-” Jefferson broke off as James took a step further. James frowned.

“Jefferson, are you-”

“I’ve never seen you hurt someone.” Jefferson blurted out. He looked almost surprised at the words, as if he hadn’t even purposefully said it. “I- not once. Every other time Seabury hurt you, you never hurt him back. Not when he insulted you or- or even when he hit you. Not when he hurt the sisters or threatened me or- ever.”

“I lost my temper.”

“I know. It’s just-” Jefferson sighed. “I- It reminded me of something.”

“What?”

“Something-” Jefferson frowned, “I- I just remembered something from one of my first homes. First foster homes, I mean. It’s scary to start with. You’re thrown into a house with however many other kids. You’re suddenly in competition with them. I didn’t want to be in competition. I- I still thought my parents would come back.” Jefferson’s voice was soft. James sighed and sat down next to him.

“Go on.”

“I thought they couldn’t just abandon me. I- I was their kid!” Jefferson had to take a moment to centre himself with a shaky breath. “I- I made a friend in that house who assured me that nothing would go wrong. I thought he was a friend but he was- he was using me.” Jefferson looked small, smaller than James had ever really seen him.

“Using you?”

“He was sixteen and he was dealing. He used me to take packages to people who gave him money. I knew it was weird but I never asked because I- I was just so lonely!” Jefferson sighed at that and shook his head. “Pretty pathetic, I know.”

“What happened?”

“One time I checked in the package. I was a dumb kid but I wasn’t that dumb. I asked him to stop because I didn’t want him to get into trouble. He laughed me off. One time I walked into the middle of a deal and told him to stop. The people buying it ran off and he just- he hurt me. Worse than I’d ever been hurt at that point. I- I didn’t think he was going to stop. He said it was my fault, that I’d got into a fight. I was moved the next day and the next house was when an adult first hit me.” Jefferson choked out a laugh at that and shook his head. “If I thought that kid was bad then I probably did deserve what I fucking got.”

“Thomas-”

“And I- I _know_ it’s stupid. I’m not that- that kid anymore. I know you wouldn’t hurt me but- it is just so stupid. I’ve faced down people bigger, stronger and more likely to hurt me. You scared me because-” Jefferson dropped his head. “You scared me because I didn’t want to consider the idea that you’d hurt me as well. That you’d betray me.”

“I won’t.”

“I- I know. It was just- just stupid.”

“No it wasn’t. You were scared.”

“I’ve been scared plenty. That doesn’t-”

“He stole my article.” James spoke over Jefferson. “The article in the paper Seabury was so proud of, I wrote it. I could have probably dealt with that but then-” James sighed, “remember that time before Christmas when you thought someone had hurt my leg?”

“When you had to go home?”

“Yeah. That was Seabury. He just- it was the group trying to work out which article should be published. He said some terrible things about- about how I shouldn’t represent the school because I’m a cripple. He kicked my leg and he spat at me and- and it hurt but I was ready to just get through it. Then I saw he took my article.”

“Jesus.” Jefferson breathed out. “That explains it.”

“I should have said something earlier but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.”

“So it’s better to let him get away with it?”

“There’s no point, Thomas. Maybe I can convince a few people but there’s no proof the article was mine not Seabury’s. It’ll be his word against mine.”

“Didn’t other people see it?”

“A classroom of students who were fine with what Seabury was doing to me.” James scoffed. “They’re not going to help me.”

“So you’re going to take it lying down?”

“Yeah. There’s no evidence. There’s no-one who could back up my story. There’s nothing I can do short of forcing Seabury to admit. There’s not much chance of that.” James chuckled softly and Jefferson frowned.

“James, I just- I just wanna apologise. I should have-”

“Thomas, you were scared. Think about the stuff Alexander does when he’s scared. Look at any of them. Just because you don’t normally get scared doesn’t mean you can’t get scared.”

“Thank you.” Jefferson all but whispered after a long pause. James just smiled.

“Thank you for telling me about that kid. Nothing he said was real by the way, you didn’t deserve what your foster parents did to you. Or what he did to you.”

“Ye-yeah.” Jefferson sighed, shoulder relaxing as he did so. “Last I heard he got locked up so I guess I’m doing better than him there.” They were silent for a moment before the question that had been boiling away at James for days came to the surface.

“Did you want to kill that man?”

Jefferson stiffened at that and glanced at James, that same terrified look on his face.

“Wh-what?”

“I don’t- look, it just makes sense, okay? If you wanted to look after Kitty, to look after all of them. You could have got off on self defence and-”

“I’ve not felt normal since I killed him. I-” Jefferson looked away, shuddering. “I can’t- I couldn’t sleep for weeks after I did that. Not unmedicated. Eventually juvie started to tranq me when I wouldn’t sleep for days. I- the other people in the prison hit me and I let them. I let them hurt me over and over again because I deserved it. I- Christ.” Jefferson let out a long breath. “What I did was- I- I was considering something during the end of- just before Alexander poste the pamphlet. I…”

“Thomas?”

“I worked out a way I could make it better.” Jefferson whispered. “How I could- could stop feeling his blood on me. How I could stop dreaming about what I did to him. I- I- I still remember what it smelled like when it- when it wasn’t a him. When it was just- just a body. I-”

“What were you considering?” James asked softly. He took Jefferson’s hands and pushed them down, forced Jefferson to stop staring at the blood that had washed off months ago. “To make it better.”

“Reynolds didn’t want money. He didn’t give a shit about Herc. He- he wanted someone.” Jefferson took in a deep breath before he continued quietly. “I was- I was gonna give my inheritance to Hercules. All of it. Then I was going to tell him I’d done a deal with Reynolds, that the money I’d given him was left over.”

“But then what would you have done with Reynolds? Threatened him?”

“No. That- that would have put Maria in danger.” Jefferson sighed and rubbed at his eyes where tears were stubbornly forming. “Couldn’t do that. Couldn’t- couldn’t hurt her.”

“Sp what were you going to do?”

“He didn’t care about Herc. He just- he just cared about having someone to sell. He wouldn’t care if it was Herc or if- or if it was me. If he could- if he could sell me instead of Herc.” Jefferson’s voice was a whisper. It felt as if Seabury had punched James all over again. He could feel a headache starting up at the thought of what could have happened.

“Fuck.” James breathed out, staring at Jefferson.

“I- I didn’t. I told Alexander enough that I could- I could keep my options open and then he-”

“Would you have?”

“Wh-wha-”

“Would you have done that to yourself?” James’ voice was cold and Jefferson shrunk back from it. “Would you have put yourself in danger for someone you’ve known for a year and a half? Would you- would you have?”

“I- I’m not sure. Maybe. I would then have-”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not worth it!” Jefferson shouted. James stared at him in horror as Jefferson made no move to correct himself.

“What?”

“I killed someone! I-it’s not- what could I possibly do to make up for that? Then Maria- fucking hell; Laf, John, you. I- I can’t help! There’s no dragon to slay or- or magic potion to drink! There’s no way to help you and that’s fucking ripping me up inside. Why does it happen to you and I- you don’t deserve it! Hercules and Maria they- they don’t deserve what they went through.”

“Neither do you.”

“Really?” Jefferson seemed unswayed. “I killed someone. I walked up to that house knowing that I was about to end someone’s life as they knew it and- and I didn’t- I barely paused.”

“You believe you’d deserve what Reynolds would do to you?”

“I don’t think there’s a punishment on Earth that I deserve.” Jefferson looked tired. “Everywhere I go, I break people. My- my birth mother, my foster parents, my grandfather, my grandmother, Laf, Maria, Herc, I- I don’t do enough!”

“I did nothing.” James said softly. “I did nothing while my parents slowly died in their car in the middle of nowhere. I did nothing to call anyone even though I knew how to. I fought against Washington every time he tried to help me after a seizure. I didn’t notice Laf or Maria or Herc. I didn’t spot John or Alexander. You saved Alexander’s life, remember? You took the pills and hid them. I let my parents bleed out.”

“James, that’s not-”

“You didn’t break your first family. You didn’t break your mother. That’s bullshit. You didn’t break any of those people. Since the first day I met you you’ve tried to help people. You’ve done it no matter how much it hurt you or how much it put you in danger. You did it because you’re an amazing person, Thomas. Just because some people haven’t seen that doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

Jefferson felt tears coming to his eyes and he whimpered gently. James put an arm around him and pulled him close.

“It’s okay.” James whispered. Jefferson clung to him tightly, curling his too tall frame into James’ too thin frame. “It’s okay.”

They both knew it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we enter the part where people actually fucking talk to each other about their issues (even if they aren't 100% truthful)  
> Also, that au of an au I mentioned? A) it's now 10k and B) it is basically what would happen if the pamphlet had never been published and Jefferson went to Reynolds instead. I don't know if I'd ever post it because it's just so much dark shit. idk. but even if I did publish it I couldn't until a few more bits of info are released into this story (chap 48 has a biggie cough cough)


	45. The Room Where It Happens

John woke up to a text from his father. That wasn’t a good sign. John stared at it for several long minutes before he opened it and looked at what the message said.

**From: Father**

**I need to see you. I have spoken to Washington and we can meet as long as you agree**

John put the phone down and scowled off into nothing. So much for never seeing the man again. He didn’t want to see his father, he didn’t want to talk to his father, he didn’t even want to acknowledge the man’s existence. In John’s eyes, when he walked out of the door all ties to the man who had tormented him had been severed.

It was only away from his father’s house that John was able to see just how much the man had fucked him up. When he saw Maria and Eliza curled into each other his first feeling was fear, fear of being hurt. John couldn’t stop being terrified that he’d be hurt for just thinking about other boys in any way that wasn’t quite platonic.

Every time John remembered the boy underneath the cherry tree, the pinnacle of his innocent love, he’d flinch. He’d flinch and wait for a hit he’d once believed he deserved.

Even though his father hadn’t been the only one to hit him, the only one to force the revulsion into him, he was the one who encouraged it.

John didn’t want anything to do with him. He stood and left the phone where it was as he walked down the stairs for breakfast.

 

When all of the hubbub from the pamphlet had died down school had slowly got back to normal. If, by back to normal, you considered rooms going silent as Hercules, Maria or Jefferson walked in. Alexander had somehow slipped under the radar, as if he hadn’t been the one who released the damn thing.

Jefferson stood tall against it all, nothing that was did to him swayed him an inch. Maria looked that way. She still held her head high but John, now intimately familiar with Yorktown, knew that when she got home it was a different story. People catcalled her and every time John saw her crying he wanted to hit those people until they never said another word.

It was difficult to see how Hercules was dealing with it. He was quieter but he still spoke. After everything he’d been through, John would have expected him to be cowed at least slightly. But then again, John had never known Hercules before Reynolds got his hands on him. The person Hercules had been before was gone, John knew it must be. No-one could have survived what Reynolds did without losing their innocence.

For the rest of the inhabitants of Yorktown, school was normal again. People had stopped whispering about Lafayette and John a long time ago.

He’d expected a much more negative response but there just wasn’t really a response. Maybe the people who would have responded took their anger out on Jefferson or maybe, as he hoped, they just didn’t care that he was gay.

That was getting easier to say every day. He still flinched away from some thoughts but watching Maria and Eliza stumble around each other didn’t hurt him at all and watching Lafayette and Hercules slowly go back to each other just made him happy.

He had no idea what would happen when he started a relationship with another guy but with each passing day he had more hope.

Unfortunately, he always seemed to have those emotions around Alexander.

John didn’t know how to feel about Alexander, he had no idea. It was easier to fall back into a friendship with him and force himself to think only of the platonic feelings. It was something he was used to; supressing all romantic feelings for a boy.

The problem was that he just couldn’t keep his gaze away from Alexander. Every so often the boy would smile and it would punch John in the gut that he had so many feelings for the boy that weren’t platonic. When Alexander had his hair in a bun that was quickly falling to pieces, when he had a pen between his teeth and was staring in anger at a page then John just wanted to kiss him. He wanted to calm Alexander, fix his hair and just watch Alexander stop arguing and let John take care of him.

Every time that happened, John would force himself back. Alexander had betrayed him and when John remembered that the fire in his chest turned from a flutter of love to a raging wild fire. He loved Alexander but he was still so angry at him.

“John?”

John jumped at Burr’s soft voice. He whirled around to see the other boy watching him carefully.

“Uh yeah, what?”

“We were partnered together.”

“We were?” John glanced up to the board and nodded. He could feel Alexander’s gaze on him and he wanted to look back so badly.

“Didn’t you hear?”

“I guess I was just distracted.”

“I guess you were.” Burr glanced at Alexander and if John didn’t know better he’d say that Burr was teasing him. “We need to make a presentation.”

“Okay. That sounds easy enough.” John looked down at the paper in front of him and bit his lip.

“It’s not my place,” Burr paused, as if he was having some sort of massive internal debate, “but you might want to talk to him.”

“I do. He’s my friend and I talk to him plenty.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.” Burr stared at John but didn’t push it any further. Joh was glad.

 

When lunch rolled around, John sat next to Hercules and Burr. Ever since the pamphlet none of the Yorktown children ate alone. It felt safer surrounded by the people who had been through as much shit as each other.

John frowned at that. He hadn’t been through what the rest of them had. Lafayette had been abused until he literally forgot one of his birth languages. Maria had been raped countless times. John had just been hit around a bit.

He didn’t even want to think what Alexander had been through; abuse, abandonment, forced starvation, homelessness and god knows what else. John knew how scared Alexander still got around storms, the screaming he heard from the top floor when Alexander had his worst nightmares.

The snowball fight flashed through John’s mind and he sighed. He’d forced Alexander into one of the worst flashbacks John had seen. John had told him to kill himself and Alexander had seriously considered.

It was shitty behaviour and at the time it had felt so good. That made John even more worried; worried that he thought hurting someone was a good choice. It reminded him of his father and the phone that felt far too heavy in his pocket.

John pulled the phone out and stared at the message. No matter how many times he looked at it the message wouldn’t change. It didn’t reveal any hidden secrets or explain anything.

“What’s that?” Hercules asked. John glanced at him and shook his head.

“Nothing.”

“Is that why you’ve been staring at it for the last ten minutes?”

“It’s-” John sighed and put his phone on the table. “It’s my dad.”

“What the hell does he want?” Alexander growled out. He paused in his food and John frowned at it.

“Did you get two meals?”

“I wasn’t feeling hungry,” Hercules cut in, “don’t try to change the subject.”

“He’s asking for a visit.”

“What?” Angelica asked in shock. John glanced up and saw that the entire table was staring at him. He huffed in exasperation.

“He texted me this morning. He wants a meeting but won’t tell me why.”

“Are you going to do it?” Eliza was frowning as she asked and John just shrugged.

“I don’t want to see him again but he is my dad. I-”

“He was the one who kicked you out.” Hercules reminded John. “He hurt you for a long time.”

“I know but it wasn’t- he didn’t _really_ hurt me, you know?”

“Non, he did.” Lafayette looked sad. “He hit you.”

“It’s complicated, Laf. I don’t want to talk to him.”

“It’s not that complicated. Don’t want it, don’t do it.” Jefferson stabbed at his food. “Not complicated.”

“Shut up, Jefferson.” Alexander growled out. Jefferson smirked at him and Alexander almost visibly puffed up in anger.

“You gonna make me?”

“I-”

“Stand down petit lion.” Lafayette tugged on Alexander’s shoulder and Alexander slowly sat. “We are moving off topic I believe.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” John said. He saw Alexander open his mouth. “Don’t start, Alexander.” Alexander stared before he sighed and nodded. He turned back to his food and continued to shovel it into his mouth.

At John’s side Hercules took another drink of water and smiled faintly at the pain in his stomach, the ache of emptiness. He was in control of this at least.

 

**To: Father**

**I’ll see you.**

**From: Father**

**Good.**

 

John stared out of the window nervously. Washington glanced to him.

“You don’t have to do this, John.”

“But I should. He’s my dad.”

“You don’t owe him anything. He hurt you and he is no longer your legal guardian.”

“He’s my birth father.”

“If you don’t want to go in there then you can tell me now. If he makes you uncomfortable then you can leave. If he tries to hurt you then it is a criminal offence. I’d rather be in the room but he doesn’t want that.”

“Yeah. It- it’s probably better that you’re not in there.”

“Why?”

“Dunno what he’s going to say.”

Washington frowned at that. Before he could say anything else John opened the car door and hopped out. He walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. His father answered the door.

“Jack.”

“Sir.” John muttered. He didn’t realise how hard this would be, to look his father in the eyes.

“Come in.” The man strode into his house. John looked around. It felt so big and intimidating. He didn’t fit in this house, next to his father. He didn’t really fit anywhere anymore. His father sat down at the table and gestured for John to sit down across from him.

“What was it that you wanted, sir?”

The man watched him for several long moments. John shifted in his seat as time went on.

“I’ve heard that you broke up with that immigrant. Have you decided to grow up yet? Drop your act?”

“No sir. I broke up with Alexander for different reasons.”

“You know you won’t be happy as long as you keep up this charade.”

“I am happy, dad.”

“You’re a freak, Jack. You’re going to die-”

“Shut the fuck up.” John growled out. He felt his breath hitch as his father’s face turned murderous. John pushed on anyway. “Y- you wanted this meeting. You don’t get to lecture me aft-ter kicking me out. Tell me what you want to know or I’m leaving.” The man stared at him for several long moments before he stood. John flinched backwards and the man scoffed.

“You can pretend all you like, Jack but you’re still pathetic. I asked for the meeting because I’m leaving. There’s no point sticking around for you. The rest of the legal process can be done while I’m home. While you’re here.”

“Back to South Carolina with-without me?” John asked softly. He didn’t know if he should be glad about the man leaving. It was his father. The man regarded him for several minutes as if mulling over a question in his head. His hand went to his pocket but then he paused and shook his head.

“There’s no place for you in my family, Jack. Everything else I’ve tried to tell you you’ve ignored. You’re going to hell Jack.” The man didn’t even put anger into his words. It was a statement, as if he knew.

“I-” John took a deep breath. “Leave. Stay. I don’t care.  You don’t have any control over me anymore.”

“I am your father, Jack.” The man hissed.

“No. You’re not.” John stood and stared levelly at his father. His heart was pounding but he didn’t stop, he couldn’t stop. This was the man who had beaten him down far too many times. “You stopped being that when you first hit me. You lost the right to it when you let strangers take me away and torture me!”

“Don’t be overdramatic, Jack.”

“I’m not! You don’t fucking know what happened in that place. You ignored me begging you to help me! You don’t give a fuck about me.”

“You little-” The man strode forwards and John felt his breath hitch again. He stumbled backwards and his father grabbed his collar. He forced himself to take a deep breath.

“If you touch me.” John was proud of how level his voice was. “It’s a criminal offense.”

“Do you think I give a fuck?”

“Yeah.” John didn’t break eye contact despite every part of his body screaming at him to give up and just accept what was going to happen. “I think you’re going to let go of me and you’re going to leave. I think this time I’ll never fucking see you again and I am looking forwards to that so much.”

The man stared at him before releasing him. He stepped back and stared at his son in disgust.

“You-”

“I’m done talking. Have a nice fucking life.” With that John strode from the house and slammed the door closed. He got into the car and felt the anger drain out of him to be replaced with uncertainty that quickly overtook him.

“Are you okay, son?”

“Ye-yeah.” John curled into himself slightly.

“Did he hurt you?” John shook his head. “What happened?”

“He’s leaving.”

“Leaving?”

“He’s going back home.”

“Alright.”

“I- I think I’m free.” John muttered. Washington frowned. He wanted to believe the boy but he had far too much experience with this. John wasn’t truly free, not yet. It would take much more than his father leaving for John to be free. Next he had to fight his own mind, to give him the freedom that had been ripped from him over and over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two notes to remember;  
> 1) my updating schedule is Wednesday, Friday and Sunday  
> 2) please don't ship James and Jefferson in this fic- they consider each other brothers  
> If you wanna ask questions then talk to me by all means and I can explain totally. I'm just trying to shorten these notes because I know they're too long


	46. Look At Where We Are, Look At Where We Started

There was something wrong with Lafayette. Jefferson wasn’t entirely sure what it was but he knew something was. He was poking at their breakfast and barely eating it. Jefferson shot Hercules a look but Hercules just shrugged. Hercules passed half of his meal to Alexander who stared at him for a moment before beginning to eat.

Lafayette glanced up as Washington entered the room. He bit his lip and glanced to Jefferson. He seemed surprised to find that Jefferson was staring at him.

“Mon ami?”

“Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

“Ne me donne pas ça.”

“Mon ami! It is fine.”

“Laf-” Jefferson stared at Lafayette in what he hoped was a pleading fashion.

“It is nothing.” Lafayette went back to poking food around his plate.

“Come on, Laf,” Hercules said, “you gotta eat.” Hercules’ own plate still had almost exactly half of the food on it but he didn’t seem about to eat anymore, despite his words.

“Oui.” Lafayette began to focus on the food in front of him. It effectively shut down any conversation he was about to have. Alexander glanced at him with a frown before just putting an earbud back in.

Jefferson didn’t really understand that but he knew not to ask.

 

When breakfast was over, Jefferson approached Alexander. The other boy glared at him.

“Look, you can tell me to fuck off all you want. It just means you’re going to fail this year.”

“I hate you.” Alexander grumbled, mostly to himself.

“Feeling’s mutual, dear.”

The walk to Jefferson’s room seemed to take forever as Alexander continued to snipe at him. Jefferson was too busy thinking about Lafayette. He didn’t understand why he was upset. As Jefferson sat down the thoughts continued.

“Is something wrong?” Alexander asked softly. Jefferson glanced to him in confusion.

“What?”

“You haven’t said anything in the last ten minutes. It’s not great for a teacher.”

“It’s fine.”

“Is it Laf?”

“He was acting odd this morning.” Jefferson began to tap his pencil against the desk. “I’m worried something is wrong with him.”

“Have you asked?”

“Laf said it was nothing.”

“You believe them?”

“Fuck no. I also know that if I try to push it nothing good will happen.”

“So you just wait?”

“No. I make sure you don’t fail.” With that Jefferson forced himself to concentrate on the lesson, forced himself to teach Alexander enough that he could pass. It was still difficult as Alexander had a tendency to just not concentrate at times. Jefferson didn’t bother talking to him about it and soon enough the lesson was over.

Jefferson leant back in his seat and sighed. His talk with James had been draining. He hadn’t talked about his old friend in a long time, had barely thought about him. Looking back, Jefferson knew he’d been stupid to trust the boy, to imagine him as a friend.

He’d been so desperate that even after the boy had yelled at him and hit him Jefferson would have been ready to go back to him, like some kind of dog returning to its master.

In the next house Jefferson was just as gullible, was just as ready to trust people despite what had happened. It had taken him far too long to drop that habit and force himself to isolate himself. That had never been perfect, children had always slipped in under the cracks which had more often than not been his weakness. If he didn’t care about Kitty he would never have gone to court.

If he didn’t care about anyone in Yorktown it would be easier. He could just continue with his life. It would have been lonely but he would never have had to deal with Reynolds.

Before Jefferson could ruminate any longer, there was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” Jefferson called out. Lafayette stepped into the room. His face was covered in tears and his hands trembled slightly. In an instant Jefferson was on his feet and guiding Lafayette to sit. “What happened?”

“No-nothing mon ami.” Lafayette whispered.

“This isn’t nothing, Laf.”

“It-” Lafayette let out a loud sob and curled in on himself.

“Did something happen?”

“Oui.”

“Je ne peux pas te le dire.”

“English, Laf.”

“Ne me demandez pas de le faire.”

“Why can’t you speak English?” Jefferson asked quietly.

“Mon père...”

“Your father’s dead, Laf. What’s actually going on?”

“Mon nouveau père” Lafayette held his breath for a moment there before he glanced at Jefferson.

“Washington?”

“Non.”

“George Frederick?”

“Oui.”

“He is not your father, Laf. He’s just someone who you lived with. You owe him nothing and-”

“He wants me back.” Lafayette whispered. Jefferson snorted.

“That’s not gonna happen. He’s going to go to prison for the rest of his life.”

“What if he does not?”

“Then he won’t be able to take you. He’s being charged with sexual abuse of minors, Laf. There’s not a single court here that would give you back to him if you didn’t want to go. We’ll get a restraining order and you’ll never see him again. Okay?”

“Mon ami.” Lafayette sniffed before he held out his phone in a shaky hand. Jefferson frowned before he took the phone.

“Wha-” Jefferson frowned as he saw text after text from the same contact. They became more threatening as they went on. The beginning ones were almost kind, begging for Lafayette to come back, to come home. After not that long they turned into threats, into promises that Lafayette could never get away, not really. Jefferson shuddered. “This is him?”

“Je ne sais pas.” Lafayette whispered. “But I- I think so.”

“This is-” Jefferson stared at one in particular, one which threatened anyone who helped Lafayette. “We need to show this to Washington.”

“Non, mon ami, please!”

“Laf, this is serious!”

“I could not-”

“This man hurt you, Laf. This man beat you and brainwashed you. He raped Hercules and forced him into one of the worst headspaces I’ve ever seen. This man deserves nothing from you.”

“What if he finds out I told someone?”

“Then we’ll deal. If you want, you’ll never leave the house without me there. We’ll keep you protected until he’s behind bars.”

“Mon ami-”

“He _will_ be charged Laf. He _will_ go to prison. You _will_ be safe.” Jefferson didn’t add anything more. He’d make sure Lafayette was safe if it was the last thing he did. Or the last thing George saw.

“Thank you.”

“Was this what you were worried about earlier?”

“Only in part.” Lafayette muttered as he wiped his eyes clean.

“What else was it?”

“Nothing of importance.”

“What was it?”

“My-” Lafayette shifted. “I am not him today.” Lafayette curled up and Jefferson just smiled.

“Okay. Do you know what you do feel like?”

“Je ne sais pas.” Lafayette’s voice was quiet and he was watching Jefferson as if he didn’t trust him. “They.” Lafayette whispered after a long moment.

“Are you okay with what you’re wearing or do you want to wear something else?”

“Je ne sais pas.” Lafayette paused after that. “Do you have…” They looked down in embarrassment.

“Go on.”

“Make up?” Lafayette’s voice was so soft Jefferson could barely hear it.

“Yeah.” Jefferson stood and pulled a bag from under his bed. Lafayette stared as Jefferson opened it up.

“What is that?”

“It’s a bag. Not important.” Lafayette frowned and stared at the bag. It was a rucksack, similar enough to Jefferson’s school bag but different. This bag looked much older and it was full. As Jefferson dug around in the bag Lafayette could see bottles of water, cereal bars, a thick book, a blanket and a small first aid kit.

“Why- why do you have two bags?”

“This is uh-” Jefferson paused and frowned. “A bag for if something goes wrong. Just in case. It’s just about the best it’s been since I first got it.” Jefferson set it back down and walked back to his bed. “First off it was just a cereal bar.” Jefferson laid out the small tubs of concealer on his bed. “I haven’t got anything much, Laf.”

“Were these- to cover bruises?” Lafayette whispered. Jefferson nodded, not meeting Lafayette’s eyes. “Mon ami…”

“Do you want more than this?”

“Oui.” Lafayette placed the concealer back down almost reverently and looked back at the bag. They could see several different concealers including several that were for someone much, much paler than Jefferson.

“Okay. Can I tell Angelica that this is happening? She won’t tell anyone else if you don’t want her to.”

“You- you can.” Lafayette looked terrified, as if Jefferson was about to hit them. Jefferson stared at them for a moment before he stood.

“I’ll be honest, I’m shit at make-up that isn’t concealer. Are you okay with Angelica helping us?”

“Oui.”

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Jefferson turned on his heels and walked to Angelica’s door. He knocked and Angelica opened the door.

“Jefferson?”

“In the flesh, my dear. I was wondering if I could borrow you.”

“I’m busy.”

“And some of your make up.”

Angelica paused at that before she turned back to Jefferson.

“My what?”

“Make up. Lipstick, concealer, mascara uh-” Jefferson smiled. “I don’t know much about it if I’m honest.”

“Why the sudden interest?”

“Laf wants it.”

At the Frenchman’s name Angelica’s face cleared of any suspicion.

“Sure. Come in.”

Jefferson stepped into the room and glanced around. Peggy was sat on her bed, staring at him. He raised a hand and she raised a finger back.

“Peggy, behave.” Angelica didn’t bother even looking at Peggy, as if she knew what she’d be doing. Peggy shot her a look before she turned back to glaring at Jefferson. Jefferson took in a deep breath. This was what he fucking got for keeping Alexander’s secrets. Made sense. Every lie he’d protected he was punished for when it came out but this secret only hurt as long as it remained a secret.

“Tell him to fucking behave.”

“Language, Margarita!”

“That’s not my fucking name, Jefferson.”

“Same.” Jefferson muttered under his breath.

“What did you say?” Peggy snapped.

“Sorry.” Jefferson shrugged. “I guess I just never spent enough time with you being civil to be introduced properly.” At that Peggy stood and strode to him. Before she could attack him Angelica stepped in between them. She shot a weary look at Jefferson.

“Stop baiting my sister. She won’t hold back. Peggy, don’t let him bait you. Both of you, please don’t make me be a parent before I get the exciting part of it first.”

“We could do that now if you want.” Jefferson smiled.

“Gross.” Peggy spat out. Angelica just swatted at Jefferson’s arm.

“I’m doing this to help Laf. Not you.”

“I love you too, darling.”

The two walked out of the room. Angelica was now weighed down with a bag. Jefferson glanced at it and sighed. He was going to have to learn an awful lot about this. When they entered Jefferson’s room Lafayette was still curled up on the bed. They glanced up as the two walked in and offered a smile.

“Hey Laf.” Angelica flopped onto the bed next to Lafayette who had to shift quickly. Jefferson stared at his bed in horror for a moment.

“In all my imaginings it was not like this.”

“Jefferson if you make one more fucking joke about that I will kill you myself, Peggy can go to the back of the line.”

“Fine.” Jefferson flopped onto his own bed and stared at Lafayette. They were smiling faintly at the exchange and Jefferson smiled back. “So makeup, how does this work?”

“Depends, how much do you want, Laf?”

“Je ne sais pas.”

“Is this nail polish?” Jefferson asked as he looked through Angelica’s bag. Angelica batted him away before nodding. Jefferson was staring at it and he caught Lafayette doing the same. “So how many colours do you have?”

“Too many.” Angelica sighed and started to pull some from her bag. Lafayette’s face lit up at the sight.

“Is it just…” Lafayette trailed off as the two turned to face them.

“Go on, Laf.” Angelica smiled. “There’s no dumb question.”

“I have one then!” Jefferson exclaimed. Angelica glared at him but he ignored it. “Okay so, say you get five million dollars but on the same day you’re told that aliens will destroy the world in two days, what do you do?” Jefferson looked at the other two who were just staring at him.

“That is the dumbest question I’ve ever heard.” Angelica responded before turning her back on Jefferson.

“Is it just like a brush?” Lafayette’s accent began to come through strongly as they became anxious.

“Yeah.” Angelica pulled off the top of one and showed Lafayette the brush at the bottom. “There are more complicated things I can do with glitter and different colours but we might just want basic colours right now.”

“Okay.”

“What colour do you want, Laffy?” Jefferson reached for one of the bottles and Angelica hit his hand. Jefferson took his hand back and glared at her reproachfully. “You know Angelica, if I didn’t know better I’d think you hate me!”

“Why do you think you know better?”

“That’s just mean. Laffy, what colour?” Jefferson watched Lafayette and smiled as Lafayette picked out a purple. His sniping with Angelica was always an opportunity for Lafayette to concentrate on something else. Everyone was so used to shutting them out it let them actually think about something else. Jefferson was pretty sure that Angelica knew it as well. It wasn’t as if Angelica held any affections for Jefferson beyond friendship. He often wondered if she even held that.

“So, purple, do you want any other colours?”

“Yellow. Black. White.” Lafayette’s voice dropped away to nothing and Jefferson frowned. “Non this is not necessary.” Lafayette stood. “Pardon, I shall-”

“Agender.” Lafayette froze at Jefferson’s words. “It’s the Agender flag.”

“Mon ami-”

Jefferson rose slowly. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Oui.”

“You think you’re Agender?”

“I do not-” Lafayette glanced behind them and Jefferson sat back down.

“It’s what I said before, Laf. Your labels, your pro-nouns, your choice. Your time line. I shouldn’t have asked. Come, sit back down and we can paint your nails.”

“But-”

“Please, Laf.” Angelica chimed in as she glanced between Lafayette and Jefferson. Lafayette slowly sat back down.

“I cannot have those colours.” Lafayette whispered out with tears in their eyes. Jefferson didn’t bother to ask why, to ask why the very colours of a pride flag inspired such fear in his friend.

“Okay.” Jefferson looked over the colours and smiled. “Here.” Jefferson grabbed three colours and all but threw them in Lafayette’s lap. Lafayette looked down at them in confusion.

“Blue, white, red?”

“Tricoloure.” Jefferson supplied. A slow smile spread across Lafayette’s face before they launched themselves at Jefferson. Jefferson grunted and then yelped as he overbalanced and fell to the floor.

On the bed Angelica laughed, doing nothing to help either of them get to their feet.

 

After the nail vanish was on Angelica managed to convince Lafayette into wearing some eye shadow. They sat tensely throughout it, as if terrified of what it represented. As Lafayette sat in fear Jefferson decided to shift through the nail vanish himself.

“You don’t have a lot of purple, darling.”

“Why would I?”

“It’s a good colour.”

Angelica fixed him with a glare and Jefferson pouted. He continued to look through the bottles until Angelica was finished. She held up a mirror to Lafayette who stared into it for several long seconds.

“Merci.” Lafayette whispered. They then all but leapt into Angelica’s arms. Angelica let out an ‘oof’ but responded in a few seconds.

“I’m guessing that means it’s good.” Jefferson commented from the floor where he’d been banished to. He thought it was a bit unfair, to be banished within his own room.

“Oui, mon ami.” Lafayette grinned widely. “It is perfect.”

“It might take a bit for you to learn how to do it.” Angelica began to put the make-up back into the bag, leaving several of them on the bed. “When you wanna do it again you can come to me or any of my sisters.”

“Maria’d help as well.” Jefferson put in as he climbed back onto the bed.

“Merci beucoup.”

“Hey Laf,” Angelica bit her lip gently, “do you wanna go downstairs?”

“Que?”

“They’re not going to judge you. I just thought it might be nice for you to be around them.”

“What if they do?”

“Who do you think will? Hercules? John? Alexander? My sisters? Who do you think would judge you, Laf?”

“Anyway, if they do I’ll deal with them.” Jefferson smiled over at Angelica who glared at him.

“Maybe not.”

“I am scared.”

“The only way you’re gonna get over that is doing it, Laf.” Jefferson sighed. “I know it’s gotta be terrifying but if you go to them then they won’t laugh or be cruel. They want you to be comfortable, Laf. That’s all.”

“Oui.” Lafayette stood slowly. “I think I would wish that.”

“Like that.”

“Oui.”

“Come on then.” Jefferson stood and stretched. Lafayette made a face at the popping which resulted from it. “I’ve gotta go annoy Alexander.”

“Mon ami…” Lafayette chided as the three made their way downstairs. “You do not have to anger him as that.”

“It’s fun! De petit lion is so easy to annoy.”

“He might actually be warming up to that name now.” Angelica said, grinning.

“Does that mean I need to call him a stray tomcat or something?”

“Well-” Lafayette trailed off as they entered the living room. Lafayette paused but Jefferson pushed them into the room as he went in.

“Hey, Laf.” Hercules muttered from where he was staring at his phone.

“Bonjour, mon ami.” Lafayette went to sit down next to Hercules just as Hercules glanced up. Hercules smiled gently.

“You look good.”

“Merci beacoup.” Lafayette smiled softly and Hercules offered his hand. Lafayette accepted it. The rest of the room glanced at Lafayette before they went back to whatever they had been doing. Alexander kept on staring and Lafayette glanced at him, panic on their face.

“Pro-nouns?” Alexander asked. Lafayette blinked for a few seconds before they glanced at Jefferson.

“Je ne sais pas.” Lafayette whispered. “I mean-”

“Laf doesn’t have to answer to you, Hamilton.” Jefferson snapped out. Alexander glared back at him and Lafayette sighed.

“Please do not fight, mes amies. I think female. Is that- not always but today- I mean-” Lafayette curled in and Hercules brought Lafayette into his chest before dropping a chaste kiss to the crown of Lafayette’s head.

“That’s fine.”

Lafayette’s smile was almost as radiant as she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I missed an update, I've not been feeling well. I'll probably put up an extra chapter on Monday. No promises  
> In other news we finally get into the brunt of Lafayette experimenting with pro nouns and very carefully written sentences as I try to work out how to use grammar with my poor grasp of it and gender neutral pronouns.


	47. You're In Worse Shape Than The National Debt Is In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 47 is finally here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna just apologise up here for messing up last chapter. The colours Laf chooses are the non binary flag not the agender flag as Willow pointed out. (I'm dumb and there's an incredibly good chance I originally wrote that chapter at about 4 in the morning and then just trusted myself. idk)  
> Also this is chapter 47, the chapter that should be before this was deleted/ moved/ absorbalofed into another chapter just because I didn't like it here  
> I still find it difficult to get through this chapter without crying. Just btw

Jefferson was woken by someone walking into his room. Not even knocking. In an instant Jefferson was on his feet with his hands balled into fists. He stared at the intruder, ready to leap on them or race past them.

“Whoa. It’s me.” James held his hands up as Jefferson blinked away the rest of his sleep.

“Knock before you come in.” Jefferson sat back down on his bed and rubbed at his eyes. “Why are you here so early? It’s-” Jefferson looked at his phone and frowned. “Half five. It’s a Saturday, James. Why?”

“We’re going on a trip.” James began to walk towards Jefferson’s wardrobe and then paused. “It’s gonna be a long trip.”

“Well that’s not at all worrying.” Jefferson drawled out as he grabbed clothes out for himself. James shrugged and left the room for Jefferson to change. As Jefferson did, he wondered where James could possibly be taking him.

When he was changed he walked downstairs and sat down at the breakfast table. It was only James sat there, flicking through his phone.

“Do I get any more hints about this?” Jefferson asked, yawning. James smiled.

“Nope.”

“Okay. How are we getting there then?”

“Taxi.”

“O-kaay.” Jefferson looked to James for more but James didn’t say anything. He just continued to eat. “What’s with the portion sizes?”

“I’m hungry. Get off my back about it.”

“Just asking.” As Jefferson looked between the plate and his friend he frowned. James was looking gaunt, as if he was losing weight quickly. His plate was full, more than full. As Jefferson thought back he remembered James’ portion sizes growing but the boy never did.

He stored the information into the back of his head and told him to look out for potential problems. The one that jumped to the front of his mind was bulimia. Jefferson scowled at that. James had bad enough luck without a mental illness in the mix.

 

In the cab Jefferson felt sleep overcoming him once more. He glanced at the driver once more before he closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep.

When he woke, the sun was all the way up and they were well outside city limits. Jefferson sat up and stretched his neck before taking an interest in the scenery. James glanced at him subtly as Jefferson tensed.

Jefferson sat up straighter and continued to stare out of the window in a mix of confusion and something else that James couldn’t quite place.

“Where are we?” Jefferson asked, voice neutral.

“You know where we are.”

“Let me rephrase.” Jefferson hissed. “Why the _fuck_ are we here?”

“Calm down, Jefferson.”

“Calm down?” Jefferson half shouted. “Why the hell are we in my parent’s town?”

“Because there’s something you need to see.”

“There is _nothing_ I need here, James. There’s nothing I _want_ to see.”

“Just trust me, okay?” James asked Jefferson who just glared at him in response. “I’ve trusted you with a lot Jefferson. An awful lot. Trust me with this.” Jefferson stared at him before he nodded and continued to glare out the window.

They finally came to a halt outside the church and Jefferson sucked in a breath. He glanced at James who just smiled gently.

“Come on.”

Jefferson didn’t get out of the car for a long moment and James had to pull him out. He finally stepped out and looked around. His family had been a good Christian family so he’d gone to church every Sunday. When he’d left, that practice fell away, along with any belief that a God could exist in the world Thomas had been thrown into.

James led Jefferson into the graveyard and Jefferson glanced around as he went. He used to play among the tombstones while his parents nattered to the other families. He knew the layout and seeing it now almost hurt.

“How did you find out?” Jefferson asked quietly.

“Sebastian.”

“Who?”

“Your brother.”

Jefferson seemed to not know what to say to that. James led him further into the graveyard and then paused in front of two graves.

They lay side by side with the same stone, same decoration across them. One was freshly cut while the other had several years of corrosion already. Jefferson stared at them for a moment before he sat down. James glanced at him.

“I’m going back to Benny at the taxi.”

Jefferson nodded. James left.

Jefferson stared at the two gravestones, as if watching them for longer would give him some more clarity as to what he was meant to do now. Seeing these rocks did nothing for the agony in his chest that had been there since the letter arrived. It did nothing to alleviate the ache that had been there ever since his grandfather’s first stroke.

He wanted to talk to them again. He wanted his grandfather to take him into a hug that still smelt of smoke. He wanted his grandmother to fuss over him. Jefferson felt tears prick his eyes and he ignored them.

“I don’t-” Jefferson paused as his voice seemed to ring out in the empty graveyard. “I don’t know if I’m meant to talk to you. I have no idea what I’m meant to do.” Jefferson pulled his legs up to his body and let his chin rest on his knees.

He stared at the graves for several more long moments.

“I’m safe. I- I know that’d be important to you. I know that. It took me hell to get here but I’m safe now.  I’ve got Maria, I’ve got James, I’ve got a family.” Jefferson wiped away the tears in his eyes. “You’re my family. You always will be. But these people they- they’re the family I chose. Just like you chose me. I’m trying to make everything better now. I might have fu- messed, it all up. I covered up some really bad stuff. Someone was hurting Maria and Hercules and I stood by. I try to help James though.”

 “You’d like James. He’s strong. He wouldn’t admit it. He’s so much stronger than me. He’s lived through-” Thomas sighed and shook his head. “Herc’s strong too. He- he went through hell just to look after his family and now he can’t even see them most of the time. I’m gonna try and- I’m gonna fix that. Maria’s sweet. She’s scared I know but I’m gonna fix that too. I’m gonna protect her until she can protect herself. Same for all of them really.” Thomas shrugged. “I’m gonna protect them all. I- I wanna make them happy. I wanna make y’all proud.”

Thomas wondered if he should go or fall silent but he didn’t. He had something else to say, something that had been eating at him for years.

“I wish you’d told me. I wish I’d known. If- maybe if I’d known I’d be dropped then it might have been easier. Or just- if I knew it was a possibility. I don’t know. I was just a kid. I just wish you hadn’t been killed because of it. I- I don’t want more blood on my hands.”

Jefferson turned his head to the side for a moment. He wanted to explain everything. It was about time. He fought internally for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak. This time the words wouldn’t stop.

“I wasn’t trying to kill that man.” Jefferson almost whispered. “You- I think you’d rather I was trying. I’ve told people all sorts of stuff about that night. I’ve told them I knew one of us was going to be a murderer, I knew only one of us would walk out alive, that I knew what would happen. Some of them think I’m a psychopath, a stone cold killer but it- I was tired. I was so tired of seeing the world like this, you died-” His voice cracked and he took in a deep breath, trying to get himself under control.

“You died.” Jefferson’s voice wavered. “Because of me. I- I took Jefferson as a memory of that but it just got so hard. The foster family I had were beating me and starving me. I was protecting the other children but I knew it wouldn’t help. They’d be moved on to another abusive family. I’d be moved on. We’d age out of the system with nothing. I had nothing. So I decided to end it. I- I wasn’t going to fight back.”

Jefferson laughed weakly at that.

“First time I’ve said that. I- I knew the guy couldn’t hide a body. M-my body, I mean. I knew that if someone died then he wouldn’t be able to stay a foster parent. I didn’t know what would happen but I didn’t care. I just wanted to die. Then he- I was on the floor and he was kicking me. I just remembered-” Jefferson took in a deep, shuddering breath, “I remembered those cigarettes you always smoked. He just- just had a packet where any of the kids could get them and I just remember thinking that you wouldn’t want me to die, not yet.”

The graveyard was silent as the confessional as Jefferson laid out the secrets that had hurt him so badly.

“I fought back and then- something came over me. I killed him with my hands and I was so-” Jefferson shuddered. “I don’t remember what happened next. Kitty told me that I was covered in blood and mumbling at snow. It was- I remember it wasn’t pure. It wasn’t pure because I’d touched it. Nothing is. I’m so terrified James will work that out. If- I don’t know what I’d do without James. I don’t wanna corrupt him but I wanna be happy. Maybe I’m selfish but I just- I just want to be happy!” Jefferson could feel tears freely flowing down his face and he angrily swiped them away.

He closed his eyes for a moment and just let himself cry. He ducked his head and tried to curl further in on himself.

“I keep on wishing I hadn’t fought back.” Jefferson whispered. “I keep on- I can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if I’d just let him kill me. I wonder if I’d be with you, if I’d be happy up there. Or if-” Jefferson broke off before he could wonder just where he’d end up.

Jefferson looked to the older grave. “I wish I could have protected you. I guess- instead I’m gonna make you proud. I’m gonna be happy. Doesn’t matter what kind of shit this world still has to throw at me or my family I’m gonna try to sort it out, I’m gonna try to be happy again.”

Jefferson stood and brushed off the grass. He stepped forwards and touched the tops of both graves.

“Our father, who art in heaven,” Jefferson whispered, “hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.” Jefferson paused for just a second. “Please, just let me be happy. Amen.”

Jefferson stared at the graves and took a deep breath. He wasn’t that kid anymore. He’d keep them in his mind and heart, of course he would, but what he’d just said, what he’d just confessed, could never leave the graveyard.

“I’ll visit you again. I promise.”

Jefferson straightened his clothes and walked out of the graveyard.

James was talking with the cab driver as Jefferson approached but paused as he saw Jefferson.

“Was it…” James trailed off. Jefferson walked towards him and James stood up straighter, as if worried Jefferson was going to hit him. Instead Jefferson just pulled him close.

“Thank you.” Jefferson stepped back and saw James was smiling as well.

“Was it okay?”

“It was what I needed.”

James walked back to the taxi and got in. Jefferson paused outside for a moment. He wanted to explore the streets he used to know. He wanted to talk to his parents. Jefferson cut himself off at that thought. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to go to that house, to talk to that family. It wasn’t his and they’d made that perfectly clear.

Jefferson settled into the taxi and took a long breath. James stared at him nervously. He stretched his leg out, wincing at the stiffness. That was what he got for leaning against the taxi talking to Benny.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson didn’t open his eyes. James sighed.

“Thank you.” Jefferson turned to face James. “Seriously. That was-” Jefferson smiled, “it’s more than- it’s what I’ve wanted for years. Thank you so fucking much.”

“My pleasure.”

“How the hell did you even organise this?”

“Sebastian really needs to be more subtle online.” James smiled as he remembered. “I talked to him, showed him a few pictures of you and your parents-”

“Wait, what?” Jefferson asked in confusion. “My parents?”

“Sebastian’s parents, I mean.”

Jefferson stared at James for several long moments before he ducked his head. James stared at him and bit his lip in nervous anticipation.

“You went through my bag.” Jefferson’s voice was resigned, not angry as James thought he would be.

“Yeah.”

“The bag I told you to only look in if you were in danger?”

“Look- why do you even have it? It’s just-” James shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Cereal bars, water bottles, a few powdered meals, cash, a first aid kit that is mostly bandages and cleaning fluid because that’s what you need if you’re being hit, a range of concealers, an extra phone, a blanket, and my personal items. My grandmother’s letters and my grandfather’s book. And of course the pictures in it.”

James stared at Jefferson for a moment. He had looked in the bag but had come across the book pretty early and had stopped the search.

“Why would you-”

“It’s a get out of jail free card, James. I pick that bag up, shove a set of clothes in it and I’m gone. Your number is in the phone, Kitty’s number is in the phone hell, even Hamilton’s number is in that phone. I can survive off the bag for a week or two.”

“You’ve planned to run away?”

“No. The bag used to be a lot shittier. I kept it in a hollowed out tree in the backyard.” Jefferson stared at the floor, not meeting James’ eyes.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you just let me see my grandparents.” Jefferson shrugged. “Do you want the rest of the story?”

“Yeah.” James winced as his arm began to cramp. He massaged it and Jefferson frowned.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. It’s nothing. Why was the bag outside?”

“I’d get locked out sometimes. I’d take the bag and go to a friend’s house. That was, my fourth house?”

“Wow.”

“Eventually the foster family found out, beat me and kicked me out.”

Jefferson heard a muffled noise from the cab driver at that. He looked up to see the man watching him. Benny looked away first. James shifted as the cramping somehow spread to his other arm.

“After that I just kept hold of it. If one of us was locked somewhere without food then I’d have food for them. Same for water. If there wasn’t heating then I’d have a blanket to give to them. If it got too bad then I could call someone who’d get us out of there.”

“How often’d do you that?”

“Few times. Not many. I got juggled around a lot and so it got bad quickly.”

“How do you mean?”

“The way it works is that new kids come into the system. Either their families are waiting for them or they aren’t. Kids who aren’t waiting, like most of Yorktown, are put into long term foster placements and hopefully adopted by someone. If they are then it’ll be the younger, cuter ones. As soon as there’s a problem there’s almost no chance of adoption.”

“Problem?”

“History of fighting, illness, siblings they refuse to let go, panic attacks, anything really. I was too old to get adopted really. As soon as you hit your teens it’s unlikely. Then I started getting into fights. Most foster homes and families don’t like fostering problem kids. The ones that do are the ones who don’t care about the well-being of the child. Sometimes they just want the cheque and sometimes they just want slaves.”

“Why doesn’t the foster system deal with them?”

“Because they’re always going to be there. There’s too many children in the system. Foster kids are more likely to end up in fights and have lower grades. The longer someone’s in the normal system, the worse. The kids who get put into those homes know that there’s nowhere else to go. They know it’ll be another foster home. They see if they can survive it and then they do.”

“Yorktown’s not like that though.”

“You and the sisters didn’t go through the normal system because of Washington. Alexander, Burr and I did. Yorktown is a fucking godsend.”

“Why’s it different?”

“It’s stability. When Hamilton got here you saw him trying to provoke Washington. That whole debacle with the pamphlet showed just how strong Yorktown is. He could have ruined everything but he’s still there. He wasn’t thrown to the wayside, Washington didn’t hurt him. I can’t even explain how rare that is.”

“Your life is really different to mine.” James muttered quietly. The cramps were really beginning to annoy him but he ignored them. “I mean, I’ve been in the system much longer but I never went through any of that.”

“Because of Washington. I don’t agree with the man on a lot of things but he created a moment alone in the shade. A- a proverbial vine and fig tree. He made a nation that’s safe for us all.”

“I didn’t-” James broke off as he tried to shift in his chair. He stared down at his legs and felt his breathing speed up.

“What’s wrong?” Jefferson asked.

“I can’t move my legs.” James muttered. He tried to touch his legs, figure out what was wrong but his arms wouldn’t obey him. “I can’t move my arms!”

“Benny!” Jefferson half shouted. “Hospital! Now!” Jefferson then immediately unbuckled himself and scooted towards James who was panicking. “Calm down James, okay.” Jefferson took one hand in his own. James wasn’t calming down at all and Jefferson could see the beginning of a panic attack.

Jefferson dug his fingers into James’ hand and the boy whimpered.

“Wha-”

“You can feel it, okay? That means that whatever this is it’s not permanent.”

“I can’t move!” James shouted out. Jefferson could hear Benny curse but he ignored the man.

“I know, I know. This is scary but we’re getting you to the hospital. They’re going to figure out what’s wrong and then they’re going to send you home. There’s nothing we can’t work past.”

“What if- what if it’s something else?” James was crying and Jefferson had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop from joining him. “What if I’m worse?”

“Then we’ll let the doctors run the tests. We’ll let them work it all out and we’ll deal with it.”

“Thomas-” James was crying and Jefferson cursed again. He hugged James close, ignoring how fast the vehicle was now moving.

“It’s gonna be okay, James. I promise.”

 

When they arrived at the hospital, James was wheeled away faster than Jefferson could see. He tried to follow but was pushed back by one of the nurses.

“Sorry kid, you can’t go in there.”

“That’s my friend!”

“Do you know your friend’s family?”

“He doesn’t have any! He’s an orphan and I’m the closest thing he has to a brother!” Jefferson hissed out, not even caring what he said. He’d do anything to get into that room, to make sure James wasn’t alone and scared. The nurse looked shocked for a second before she gestured for Jefferson to follow.

“You can’t be in there. I’m taking you to the relative’s room. As soon as anything happens I’ll tell you.”

“But-”

“Kid, you can’t go in there because it’s medical professionals only. Do you know his emergency contacts?”

Jefferson nodded and numbly recited them. He then sat down and put his head into his hands. Today of all days, today when he’d prayed to a God he hadn’t believed in for years, today was the day that life decided to fuck James over again.

Jefferson stood and began to pace with nervous energy. He kept on thinking over and over what had changed, how James had been different. As he thought he remembered, the irritability, the anger at Seabury, anger that made sense but was so out of character. James didn’t get angry, he didn’t shout and he most definitely didn’t throw punches. James had been complaining of headaches all the way back at Christmas. The increased seizure rate, needing to use a wheelchair more often. Then there was the food…

As Jefferson remembered the food he paused. James had been increasing his portion sizes again and again even as he lost weight. Jefferson had commented on it so many times and James had snapped back, that same anger that didn’t belong in his brother. That had been going on for- Jefferson shook his head as he tried to remember.

He continued to pace. Maybe if he’d seen it sooner, if he’d noticed it, then they wouldn’t be in a hospital with James alone and afraid. Maybe if Jefferson had actually looked, had bothered to give a shit about his best friend he wouldn’t have failed him.

Jefferson reeled back from the wall and took in a deep breath. He flexed his fist for a moment where he’d just punched it into the brick. He forced himself to sit back down and take several long deep breaths.

“I didn’t fail.” Jefferson whispered to himself. “I didn’t fail him.” As Jefferson repeated it, the words did nothing to make him feel better. He knew a lie never would. Lies only hurt him. He’d lied to Angelica about her father, had lied to Maria when he said he could protect her and had lied to James time and time again when he said he was alright.

He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this was his punishment.

 

Washington arrived two hours later. He swept into the relative’s room and Jefferson was on his feet in an instant. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t stop them. He was terrified. His heart was too loud in his ears and every breath was too fast.

As he spotted Washington all he could think was that this was the punishment God had sent him. It looked similar enough to previous punishments anyway. Jefferson watched nervously as Washington walked into the room.

“Thomas?”

“Sir?” Jefferson’s voice was weak and Washington frowned. He took several steps forwards and stared at Jefferson who forced himself to stay still. His nails dug into his palms and he could feel blood dribbling down his hand.

“Are you okay?” Washington went to put a hand on Jefferson’s shoulder but the boy flinched backwards so violently he fell to the floor. Once there, he screwed his eyes closed and his breath increased as he expected the first hit.

Washington stared at him in horror before he slowly sunk to his knees.

“Thomas?” Jefferson flinched at the name but answered.

“Yes sir?” His voice was quavering, unsure.

“You’re not in danger, Thomas.” Jefferson’s silence told Washington all he needed to know. “Why are you scared?”

“I- I’m not. I’m just- I hurt James.”

“Really? And how did you do that?”

“I didn’t see it. I- I should have seen it!” Jefferson raised his head in exclamation at that but quickly shied back as he saw Washington.

“This was unavoidable, son. You were there when you were and you helped him.” Washington sat down fully on the floor and smiled slightly as Jefferson unfolded just a bit.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Is he okay?” Jefferson had his head out of his knees but he was avoiding Washington’s eyes, like some kind of misbehaving dog expecting a beating. Washington felt a surge of anger at that. Jefferson deserved many things in life, being beaten like a dog was not one.

“Yes. He wasn’t on the ward when I arrived because they’ve taken him for some scans. He will be alright though. He’s regained all movement and they’re pretty sure they know what’s happening.”

“That’s good.” Jefferson met Washington’s eyes at that news. “Can- can I see him?”

“Yes. He’s going to be back very soon and apparently he was asking for you.”

“For me?”

“Of course.” Washington reached towards Jefferson slowly. Jefferson watched the hand as it grasped his wrist. Washington first stared at the scraped, already swelling knuckles and then the bloodstained palm. “Why did you do this, Thomas?”

“Because it isn’t fair. He- he shouldn’t be hurt anymore. _I_ should be hurt. What if it’s…” Jefferson trailed off and his hands began to tremble.

“What, son?”

“What if it’s terminal?” Jefferson whispered. Washington sighed at that.

“We don’t know anything yet, Thomas. We need to let the doctors do their jobs and until then we need to be there for James.” Washington slowly stood and watched as Jefferson’s eyes tracked him. After several long moments Jefferson stood as well. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t seem to stop them.

Washington leant forwards and gently clasped his hands to stop the shaking.

“It’ll be okay, son.” Washington said quietly. Jefferson didn’t believe him. Neither, if he was honest, did Washington.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, all the stuff that's been happening to James has really been happening and I have described it. (I was kinda surprised no-one picked up on it, I'm not great at subtly describing stuff but ah well) now we enter some of the most difficult chapters so far. Buckle up


	48. You Have No Control

When news from the hospital came in no-one knew what to do. Washington didn’t explain everything, just stated that James had been admitted and they had no idea what would happen next.

It was scary, terrifying even. Yorktown was almost silent as everyone got ready for bed. Hercules hadn’t touched his food, just pushed it to Alexander. He wasn’t alone in not eating. Maria had mostly just poked at her food and Alexander looked sick as he ate. Hercules didn’t pry too far but he was fairly sure that Alexander would eat no matter what he felt, would eat what he could see as if his life depended on it because it had so many times.

Hercules stared up at the ceiling for a long time before he finally fell asleep. He liked James. They weren’t the closest friends but Hercules knew that James didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve another illness on top of what he was already struggling with. James was kind and soft and he had never seen just how horrific people could be.

Hercules sighed at that thought and pushed it from his mind. He wasn’t in any place to lecture about the worst of humanity. He reminded himself once more that what he’d been through hadn’t been that bad. Maria had been through it for so much longer and hadn’t had the breakdown Hercules had had. Plenty of people did what Hercules did, there were prostitutes around the world and yet he thought he had any right to claim to know the worst of humanity.

The gnawing ache in his stomach was what calmed him. It hurt but maybe that was what he deserved, thinking that what he’d been through could be compared in any way with what the other Yorktown kids had been through.

As Hercules drifted off to sleep he realised the thoughts hadn’t left his head.

In his dream he saw Reynolds once more. Reynolds was pinning him against the wall with talon like fingers. He was everywhere and Hercules was trapped against the wall as Reynolds manipulated his body however he wanted. Hercules’ body was frozen as Reynolds leant up and kissed him, tongue venturing further and further into his mouth until-

Hercules bolted upright, chest heaving. He paused before running out of the room. He made it to the toilet just in time for him to vomit into it. It burned like hell coming up and his eyes immediately began to water. As he continued to retch the water turned to tears as he began to sob.

It had hurt him. It had hurt him so badly, knowing that Reynolds controlled him. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as what the others had been through but it was what he’d been through. It was selfish and heartless but that was all he could think.

There was a gentle knock on the door and he groaned in response.

“Hercules?”

“Peggy?” Hercules rasped out as the girl walked into the room.

“Are you okay?”

“Nightmare.” Hercules took a deep breath as another wave threatened to overcome him.

“O-okay.” Peggy sat down on the floor and put a hand on Hercules’ back. Hercules flinched away from it and Peggy sucked in a breath. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Hercules let his head rest against the wall. “It’s just me being stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

“He can’t hurt me.” Hercules’ voice broke slightly. “None of them can. I-I’m safe here. I know that. I know that what I went through was nothing compared to-”

“What?” Peggy’s tone was outraged and Hercules frowned.

“It- look at Maria if you want to-”

“That’s fucking bullshit!” Peggy snapped out.

“Language.”

“Look, I don’t know everything that happened but I read the damn pamphlet. What he did to you-” Peggy looked sick but she pushed on. “That was messed up Herc. It wasn’t just small or something minor, it was rape.”

“I know but-” Hercules sighed. He didn’t know how to explain it. “It wasn’t really rape, Pegs. I didn’t want it but I didn’t stop them. I didn’t- I never said no.”

“That doesn’t change anything.” Peggy shuffled closer and rested her head against Hercules’ shoulder. Hercules felt a calming sensation from that for some reason, despite the fact that the thought of people touching him disgusted him. It was different, Peggy felt like Ellie or Maria. She didn’t want anything other than Hercules’ company.

“I could have stopped it.”

“Don’t get into what could have happened, Herc. He was an adult. He was your teacher. Even if you’d wanted it and actually asked he still shouldn’t have done it. The fact that you never explicitly said you didn’t consent to it doesn’t change anything. It was still illegal.”

“Where did you learn all this from?”

“Eliza and Angelica. They’re trying to explain it all to Maria. Herc, I’m so sorry I never saw this. It’s-”

“I hid it.”

“I should have figured it out. I could have been there.”

“You were.” Hercules’ voice was soft but he knew Peggy had heard it.

“What?”

“When he told me it wasn’t over. When he- he told me I could lose my family. You were there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Hercules closed his eyes and sniffed. “You asked what had happened to me and I didn’t tell you.”

“Oh Herc.” Peggy sighed against his chest and wanted to hug him. She didn’t. “It’s going to be okay, you know that, right?” Hercules stayed silent. “You do know that, right?”

“It didn’t get better for James. It- I can’t see my family. Everything I had is gone because of me.”

“No. No.” Peggy pulled back. “Your family is alive because of you. Your family is safe because of you. Yeah, you can’t see them but that’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it is.”

“I know.”

They stayed there for a few more minutes before Hercules finally stood and they made their way back to their beds. Hercules contemplated sleep but didn’t dare to, just in case the nightmares came back.

 

When morning fully rose Jefferson and James were still not back. The table was louder than the previous meal but it was still worryingly quiet. Hercules didn’t bother getting a plate, he felt terrible. His head was spinning and his hands were shaking slightly.

“Mon amour, are you not eating?”

“Not hungry Laf.”

“You were not hungry yesterday either.” Lafayette’s tone was neutral, as if purposefully neutral. A few other people glanced up and Hercules shrugged.

“I’ll eat something at lunch.”

 

At lunch Hercules was feeling no better in fact he was feeling worse. The gnawing in his stomach calmed him slightly, gave him something to hold onto as his head continued to spin.

He couldn’t concentrate on his classes and black spots kept on dancing across his eyes. He felt a bone deep weariness and spent most of the morning with his head propped up on one arm. His work was shitty, he knew that. None of the teachers did much about him anymore. They didn’t like punishing him or even talking to him alone. Hercules knew it was probably because they were trying to be kind but it felt like they were just patronising him.

Or that they wouldn’t be able to control themselves without witnesses.

Hercules sat down at the lunch table and put his head into his hands. Lafayette watched him nervously, chewing at his lip.

“Mon amour…”

“I’m just tired.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t sleep well last night.” Hercules glanced at Peggy who sighed and changed the topic.

“Do we have any more information on James?”

“Not yet.” Angelica sighed. “Washington wouldn’t tell us during the school day anyway. We can find out when we get back.”

The table lapsed into conversation but Hercules stayed silent. He pulled out his phone and tried to ignore how the screen seemed to be blurring in and out of focus.

Alexander stared at Hercules and bit his lip hard. He knew how difficult it was to eat when something traumatic had happened. The fact that Hercules hadn’t eaten dinner the previous night wouldn’t leave his brain. Hercules was about to have missed three meals.

Alexander knew that he himself had missed more than that but he also knew he shouldn’t have.

“You okay, Alexander?” John asked. Alexander nodded after a moment before he picked up the cookie from the tray. He took several deep breaths before he pushed it towards Hercules. Hercules stared at it in confusion.

“What?”

“You should eat it.” Alexander mumbled. Burr stared at him in shock and Alexander shifted uncomfortably. Burr knew just what food meant to Alexander, understood it first-hand.

Hercules stared at the cookie and felt his stomach begging for it, his mind begging for it as well. He couldn’t take it though. He had to control his body, he had to control it so no-one could ever manipulate it like Reynolds had.

“I’m good, thanks.” Hercules turned back to his phone so didn’t see Alexander frowning. Burr glanced at Angelica who just shrugged in confusion.

“You sure?” Lafayette asked. Hercules nodded without saying a word. Alexander took the cookie back and stared down at it for several long moments.

Hercules barely noticed, too busy trying to get his hunger under control. He could do this, he reminded himself. He could beat the hunger, beat the urge to be filled. At that thought all hunger vanished and was replaced with that same revulsion of his own body that had been the norm for months.

 

Homework was exhausting. Hercules never liked doing his homework but that night it was almost impossible to concentrate. He kept on wanting food but he pushed back against that urge because he knew nothing good would come of it.

He took in a deep breath and smiled at the pain in his stomach. He could control this. That was what it was all about, what it had always been about.

He’d never been able to control how much food his family could afford but he could control how much food he ate. He couldn’t control the freezing nights where he couldn’t afford the heating or the nights where he put wet cloth after wet cloth onto his mother’s shivering, boiling body. When Reynolds had stepped into his life his life had spiralled out of control.

Reynolds dictated most of his spare time. He dictated where Hercules would spend most nights, where he’d spend his evenings and how much money he’d get.

Now when Hercules was free he still didn’t have control over his life.

He couldn’t kiss Lafayette when he wanted. He jumped at random times. He often couldn’t sleep through the night because of the nightmares that seemed to have no interest in leaving. He couldn’t kiss Lafayette.

Hercules threw down the pen in anger and stood. He strode towards the door but then the black spots that had been at the edge of his vision all day overcame his eyes and he felt his legs collapse from underneath him.

 

When Hercules next opened his eyes he was lying on the floor. His head felt muzzy as if someone had packed it full of cotton wool. He tried to stand but realised that wasn’t an option. Instead he just pulled himself onto the bed.

He knew that wasn’t meant to happen. He knew a lot of things were happening that weren’t meant to.

There was soft hair on his face that shouldn’t be there, that belonged on a baby’s face. The black dots weren’t meant to be in his vision constantly, he wasn’t meant to feel dizzy every time he stood up. His hands shouldn’t shake so violently. He shouldn’t be so repulsed at the thought of eating something.

He didn’t care.

When he was feeling more stable, Hercules forced himself to his feet. He noticed it was time for dinner and groaned quietly. There was no way they were going to let him skip another meal, he’d been too obvious.

He took each step down the stairs carefully. He couldn’t afford to fall now. He managed to walk down the stairs and settled into his seat.

As the meal continued, Lafayette shot him more and more worried glances. Hercules ignored them as he picked at his food.

“Mon amour,” Lafayette whispered when the meal was halfway over and Hercules had yet to swallow a mouthful, “please eat. Even if you are not hungry, it does no good to see you starve.”

“Yeah.” Hercules muttered. He could feel the table staring at him and he sighed. He took a bite and paused. It tasted so good. He took another slow mouthful and then suddenly he couldn’t stop himself. He wolfed down the rest of the meal, any thought of control gone from his mind.

It was only when his plate was empty that Hercules realised what he’d done. He stared down at the plate and felt his breathing speed up. Lafayette was smiling but all Hercules could feel was the food crawling into his stomach. He stood and offered a shaking smile to the table.

“I’ll be back.” He rasped out. Lafayette watched him go in confusion but didn’t follow. Hercules stumbled from the room into the bathroom and locked the door. He fell to his knees and stuck two fingers to the back of his throat. He gagged for a moment before he felt the food rising up his throat again.

For the second time in twelve hours Hercules vomited into the toilet. This time it helped. The acidic burn all the way up his throat felt like a punishment, a punishment for not controlling himself. His nose burned and he coughed shakily.

He could feel more food still inside him and he shoved his hand back into his mouth, ignoring the tears streaking down his face. He threw up three more times before he was satisfied there was nothing left.

Hercules took a deep breath before he stood and flushed away all the evidence. He cleaned off the vomit that had splashed onto his hand and winced at the red marks where his teeth had bit down onto his knuckles.

He splashed water onto his face and stared into the mirror. His face was gaunt and there was sweat dripping down his face. He looked a few steps from death but he didn’t care. If this was what he needed to keep control then it was what he’d do.

When he stumbled out of the bathroom he went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. It washed away the taste of vomit in his mouth but did nothing for the stench in his nose. It only took a few minutes before someone walked into the room.

Burr paused as he spotted Hercules in the room.

“Hercules?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you were going back to the table.”

“I was thirsty.”

Burr frowned at that but didn’t pursue the topic. It wouldn’t help, he knew that. Probably better than most.

“Lafayette is worried. I’d suggest you calm them down.”

“Thanks.” Hercules brought the glass of water with him and sat back down at the table. Lafayette frowned.

“You went for a long time, mon amour.”

“I just needed some air.”

“Okay.” Lafayette smiled and gently offered his hand for Hercules to take. Hercules paused before accepting the hand. He just had to hope that Lafayette wouldn’t see the red marks. As he looked around he felt some kind of excitement. He’d done it, he’d eaten but kept control.

Hercules stared around the table and wondered if this was better, it was definitely more subtle. It was control in a whole new way and at the end of the day that was all Hercules wanted.

He didn’t care what he had to sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just btw I'm not a doctor or a nurse or any kind of medical professional. So would Hercules feel this bad this quickly? idk. Let's just as a collective say that yes, yes he would, and leave it at that


	49. If I Could Trade His Life For Mine You Would Smile And That Would Be Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW LOOK AT THAT MEDICENING. i AM THE BEST AT MEDICENING AND THAT IS ALL REAL MEDICENING (pls if you're a medical professional just... just ignore how wrong this probbably is. I tried and that's all I can promise)

When Jefferson was finally allowed to see James his hands had nearly stopped shaking. James was on a hospital bed, in one of the ridiculous gowns. He was just staring down at his hands as he slowly moved them.

“Hey James.” Jefferson mumbled out as he sat down next to him. James smiled but his face quickly dropped. “Do they have any ideas yet?”

“A couple.” James didn’t elaborate and Jefferson sighed.

“You can move your legs now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re going to figure this out, James.”

“Maybe.”

Jefferson reached for James’ hand and gripped it tightly. James turned to face him in confusion.

“It’ll be okay.”

James let go of the hand to wipe away his tears.

“Maybe.”

 

When the doctor came back James was still not answering with anything more than monosyllabic answers. All three of them turned to stare at the doctor who smiled back.

“James Madison, correct?”

“Yeah.” James sat up straighter and the woman smiled.

“Are you okay with these two being here or do you want me to talk to you alone?”

“They can stay.”

“Alright. So, we think that what happened to you is called a Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis episode. It is found in a few illnesses but judging by the results of the tests you had in December-”

“What tests?” Jefferson asked in confusion. James glanced to him and paused before wincing.

“Just before the pamphlet. It was- I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“Yes, well,” the doctor continued, “they showed that your thyroid gland was working overtime which can cause these episodes.”

“Are they controllable?” James asked. The doctor paused before she nodded.

“The hyperthyroidism is and that should stop you from having another episode.”

“So I just need some medicine and I’m free to go?”

“Not quite.” The woman sighed. “Hyperthyroidism often doesn’t have a discernible pattern with who it affects. Unfortunately we think there is a reason for yours. We think that there is something blocking the pituitary gland which is what tells the thyroid how to work. It didn’t know when to stop creating hormones and so you developed hyperthyroidism and had the episode and your other symptoms.”

“I’d rather you get to the point.” James said quietly. “If it’s all the same to you.”

“We performed a CT scan of your brain.” The woman passed James a CT scan which he frowned at. Jefferson glanced at it.

“I’m not good at reading minds, I’m even worse at reading brains.” James let the scan drop. “What is it?” The doctor stepped forwards and pulled out a pen.

“This is the pituitary gland.” She pointed to a part of the brain and James frowned. Right next to it was a white blob.

“So what’s that?”

“It’s a growth. It may be a tumour.”

James felt the breath being knocked out of him. Jefferson looked as if he’d been hit by a truck and even Washington, with his poker face, looked horrified.

“Cancer?” James asked quietly.

“We can’t tell.” The doctor sighed.

“So what next?”

“We have several options. We could treat the symptoms and monitor it. There is a chance that the body will recognise it as not meant to be there and will destroy it. The other options are surgery.”

“Brain surgery?” Jefferson croaked out. James watched him, detached. He didn’t know why he wasn’t feeling anything. It didn’t feel real. “But-”

“What would that require?” James asked.

“The procedure would normally be non-invasive but from your history of meningitis we are worried your pituitary gland is already damaged and so we don’t want to be going in even slightly blind.”

“So open brain. Is that what it’s called?” James chuckled gently and Jefferson stared at him in horror. “Maybe that’s open chest.”

“James,” the doctor stepped forwards, “this is a big decision. It may be best if I come back later and-”

“No. I- I want to know now.”

“Well, as we don’t know if it’s cancerous or not we should organise the surgery as quickly as we can.”

“How soon?”

“Preferably today.”

Jefferson stood at that and walked out of the room. James watched him go with that same detached feeling.

“The dangers?”

“The dangers that always come with brain surgery. We will need to keep you awake throughout the procedure in case we hit something. It won’t hurt but patients have described it as feeling very strange.”

“So-” James took in a deep breath. “I have a tumour which might be cancer and it caused me to be paralysed?”

“Yes.”

“Well this is a shitty day.”

“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit. I do suggest the surgery for today but I understand if you want to put it off.”

“What happens if I don’t have it?”

“If it’s benign then it will just cause more hormone difficulties. If it’s cancerous…” the doctor trailed off and James nodded. “I’ll leave you to decide.”

When she left James stared at the door for several long minutes.

“Are you alright, son?” Washington asked softly. James just shrugged.

“Didn’t think cancer.” James chuckled again. “At least I’m not paralysed. I mean, I might be dead but-” James broke off with a shuddering intake of breath. He felt tears prick his eyes and he put his head down into his hands. It suddenly hit him.

“You’re not going to die son.”

“I might have cancer.” James whispered.

“Yes you might. You might not. Either way, you’ll pull through. You’re strong James, stronger than almost anyone else I’ve met.”

James wanted to argue. He’d never been strong. There was nothing strong about what he’d done. He’d existed. He’d changed his life so he could survive, not help anyone else.

“I don’t know if I’m this strong.”

 

Jefferson threw himself into a bathroom stall and forced himself to take a deep breath. Cancer. It could be cancer. He hit the wall and then revelled in the pain before doing it again and again. He screamed in anger before he collapsed to his knees.

James might have cancer.

Jefferson began to sob loudly, ignoring anyone else who might be in the room. It just wasn’t fair. James didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve to go through any of it. Jefferson knew that he did and he knew that if he could swap their positions he would in a heartbeat.

But he was powerless.

Jefferson continued to sob until his tears eventually began to dry. He sat there for several more minutes before he finally forced himself to stand. He looked down at his hands to see that the knuckles were bloodied. He poked them and hissed in pain but he didn’t think they were broken.

As he unlocked the stall he was hit with relief as he realised there was no-one else in the room. He walked to the mirror and sighed. His eyes were rimmed red and it was obvious that he’d been crying. He had to stay strong for James. When it was all over then he could freak out, he could do whatever he needed to do to cope.

James needed him first.

Jefferson walked back to James’ room and opened the door. James immediately turned to him. Jefferson felt his heart sink as he saw the tears dribbling down James’ face.

“Hey, come on.” Jefferson sat down next to James. “Don’t cry.”

“It’s a tumour.”

“I know. I know. It’s scary but we’ll get through it.”

“They want to do brain surgery. Today.”

Jefferson let out a deep breath at that. He shouldn’t have left the room when he did. Rather than berating himself further he reached for James’ hand and held it.

“They want to make you better. These are professionals. They know what they’re talking about, they know what they’re doing.”

“I don’t want to die.” James whispered. Jefferson cursed and stood to hug James. James grabbed the back of Jefferson’s shirt and began to sob.

“You won’t.” Jefferson said softly. “It’ll be alright.”

 

The doctor came back an hour later. James had calmed down a bit and they’d talked it through. James almost felt cheated by the choices. He’d woken up expecting nothing extraordinary to happen.

He hadn’t expected to end up in hospital. Maybe he should get used to that.

“Hello James.” The doctor was holding a clipboard and a pen.

“Hey. Is that the consent form?”

“Yes. As you are over the age of medical emancipation I only need your signature on it but I would like to know if your guardian supports your choice.” She looked to Washington who just nodded.

“If I sign it-” James sighed and closed his eyes. Jefferson glanced at the doctor before he reached his hand out and touched James’ arm.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah. When is the surgery?”

“In about two hours. I know this is very sudden but it really is important that we begin treatment immediately.”

“Makes sense.” James stared as he took the clipboard. “What are the chances?”

“James, you can’t think like that.” Jefferson half scolded. “It-”

“What are the chances?”

“We don’t know. If there is historic damage to your brain from the meningitis then the risk increases. Combining that with your epilepsy then the chance that something goes wrong is increased. I don’t have a number but this procedure is a lot more dangerous than it would be for most people.”

“Great. Dangerous brain surgery. Best type.” James choked out. He sighed and closed his eyes, fighting for control of his emotions. When he opened them he held out his hand for the pen. Jefferson opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself.

James signed the consent form and passed it back to the doctor.

“Thank you. I’ll be back in about an hour and a half to prep you for surgery.”

“Okay.” James lay back in his bed as the doctor left. Jefferson placed a hand on his arm and James grasped his hand. Jefferson let out a low hiss of pain and James frowned.

“Nothing.” Jefferson muttered. James frowned at him but dismissed it. Washington frowned.

“Thomas, can I have a word?” Jefferson glanced to Washington before glancing back to James. “It’ll only take a second, son.”

“Go on.” James muttered. Jefferson rose and followed Washington out the door. They paused just outside and Jefferson stared at Washington.

“Show me your hands, son.”

“What?” Jefferson asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Show me your hands.”

“Why?”

“Thomas-” Washington’s voice took on a threatening edge and Jefferson pulled his hands out of his pockets. Washington took one of them and sighed as he saw the blood crusted around the knuckles. He saw the same on the other hand.

“They’re not broken.” Jefferson muttered. “Just-”

“Bruised and bloody. This is no way to cope, Thomas. You do realise that, don’t you?”

“I know. Of- of course I know. It’s just- it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does, son.” Washington released Jefferson’s hand. “Tell me.”

“I- James took me to my grandparent’s graves today. It was the first time I’d seen them. It was- this was meant to be a good day. I don’t know how long James was planning it for but-” Jefferson broke off. “That’s not the point.  I prayed today. For the first time since-” Jefferson scoffed and shook his head. “I prayed and then this happened. I hadn’t spotted any of this and- if this had-” Jefferson forced himself to take a deep breath. “It’s fucked up.”

“I know it is, son.” Washington sighed. “Go clean those up a bit, take a break.”

“James-”

“James is going to need you a lot now, Thomas. I know you two are close but recovering from a brain surgery is-”

“I’ll be there.” Jefferson stated. He didn’t care how much it impacted his own life, he didn’t have one worth living. He only had James.

“Okay.” Washington pulled his wallet out and took a few bills. “Clean those up and then go get some food. Give yourself a bit of time for it to sink in. James will be here when you come back.”

“I should do that when he’s gone into surgery.”

“No. You should do it now. You were having trouble in there, son and we can’t show James that. Not now.”

Jefferson frowned at Washington in confusion at that. He would have expected Washington to tell Jefferson to not hide his emotions, to explain it all to James no matter what.

“This is going to be hard for all of us son,” Washington explained. “We’re going to be caring for him for a while, even if it isn’t cancer.”

“It’s just surgery. Won’t he just walk away better?”

“No.” Washington sighed. “Brain surgery of any kind is very dangerous, Thomas. Removing this growth will mean his brain will have to shift to fill the gap. He probably won’t be himself just after he wakes up.”

“What? That’s not…” Jefferson shook his head and Washington sighed.

“He’s going to need us, Thomas. Right now you need to make sure he’s calm. Go get some food for both of us.”

“O-okay.” Jefferson nodded and stayed rooted in place as Washington walked off. He stuffed the money into his pocket and grabbed his phone out. He pulled up an article to read as he walked towards the restroom. He scrubbed at his knuckles with too much strength, almost revelling in the pain it caused. It wasn’t self-harm, he reasoned with himself, it was just something to focus himself with.

He then walked to the cafeteria which was somehow still open. He grabbed two sandwiches. He paused to actually choose one for James but then stopped himself. Nil by mouth. Jefferson took in a deep steadying breath at that.

Jefferson paused as he reached one part of the article and suddenly had to sit down.

Recovery could take years.

He re-read the line, as if it would change at all. It didn’t. He put his head into his hands and tried to take calming breaths. It would be okay. James would be okay. The more Jefferson repeated it the less real it sounded.

 

It took him about ten minutes to get his shit together enough to walk back up the stairs to James’ room. He opened the door and paused. James wasn’t there. He turned to Washington in shock and the man sighed.

“It’s okay, Thomas. There was an open slot and-”

“He’s in surgery?” Jefferson half yelled. Washington stood and put a hand on Jefferson’s shoulder.

“Thomas, you need to calm down. Nothing that you do can help James right now.”

“But-” Jefferson stared at the bed. He felt tears running down his face and Washington led him to a chair. “He’s going to- he’s going to be so scared.”

“I know Thomas. He’s going to be scared and we’re going to be here for him.”

“I can’t lose him!” Jefferson sobbed. “Not now. I don’t have anyone else. He’s my family!” He went to say something else but the emotions overcame him and he just collapsed into sobs that he couldn’t stop. At some point he felt himself being moved, being pulled towards Washington but he ignored it.

His mind was full of the people he’d lost, the people who’d abandoned him. Every time he was happy someone left him. Jefferson had thought for a long time it was his fault, now he almost had proof.

Before, he’d known it was his fault because he was too loud and an idiot. Then he wrapped isolation around him as if not letting anyone get close could make him care less when they abandoned him. James had never taken the chance to leave him and yet he might still be ripped away.

Jefferson hated that that was what he was focused on; the family he was missing rather than the fact that his friend must be terrified. He was putting himself in front of other people again, just like he’d done with Maria. Look how that shit show had worked out, Jefferson thought coldly.

It took Jefferson a long time to calm down and Washington held him gently as he did. When Jefferson didn’t have anything left to give he pulled back slightly and Washington released him.

“I shouldn’t be worried about me I know. It’s just-”

“It’s understandable.” Washington’s voice was so soft that Jefferson hated it. “This is going to change your life Thomas. If it’s just benign then recovery will still take a long time. James is going to need a lot of help and while that shouldn’t just be you I have a feeling that if you had your way it would be.”

“I have to look after him.”

“I know, Thomas. I know.” Washington held out his arms, knowing not to touch Jefferson if he could help it. Jefferson hesitated before he accepted the hug. Neither of them were used to it but in that moment they just had to make sure they were still there, that the family they’d begun to make hadn’t completely vanished.

 

Jefferson didn’t eat the sandwich in the end. He just read article after article on his phone about the recovery, what he could expect and what they could do to help James. It felt like a gap appeared in his stomach and he couldn’t think past it, couldn’t think of anything beyond the fact that James was ill and he wasn’t going to get better immediately.

He wasn’t going to walk out of the hospital the next day, or maybe even the next month. He might not be able to walk or talk or do anything.

At some point Washington took Jefferson’s phone away with a stern look that looked more worried then angry.

After that, Jefferson just stared into nothingness, thinking. Washington said they should sleep but neither of them did. They sat together in some sort of vigil for a brother and son who hadn’t even died yet.

The fiery rage Jefferson had felt was gone, replaced with an emptiness as his emotions were sucked down the gaping pit in his stomach.

The surgery took seven hours.

Neither of them slept or left the room. They sat in silence for the most part, trying to work out what they could possibly do now, what they could do if James wasn’t immediately better. Jefferson felt treacherous thoughts invade his mind, thoughts about taking his bag and running, running until there was no-where left to run. Or running until he was far enough away to collapse, once and for all, far enough away that no-one would find him until he was just a body.

Washington just watched the clock. James wasn’t his biological child but in every other way he was. Washington had been the one to take James to the endless neurological appointments. He was the person who James had turned to time and time again as his body betrayed him. Washington had been there.

Suddenly he couldn’t be. It was killing him.

By the time the nurse entered the room Washington had almost nodded off. Jefferson stood abruptly which jerked Washington awake fully.

“Is he okay?”

“Yes.” The nurse smiled as Jefferson breathed out a deep sigh. “He’s on a specialist ward and will stay there for about two days as we work out if there were any complications.”

“Can I see him?” Jefferson half pleaded. She nodded.

“Come on. Visiting hours are over but,” she shrugged. “This ward makes a lot of exceptions. It can be very frightening for people to wake up from this kind of surgery without someone there.” The nurse led them through the hospital until they were finally at James’ bed.

“Thank you.” Thomas muttered before he stepped forwards. James looked small in the bed, he always did. When he was awake there was a quiet power that made him look bigger, as if he hadn’t spent most of his childhood in and out of hospitals.

“I do need to warn you, he won’t be able to talk when he wakes up. This is completely normal. We had to put a tube down his throat and so it will hurt if he talks. It is completely normal. He will also be very thirsty but water is not advised. The nurse on duty will bring you ice chips. The incision spot will also be painful so he will be on a lot of medication. If he doesn’t make sense then don’t worry about it.”

“So basically,” Jefferson didn’t look away from James as he spoke. “Don’t worry?”

“Yes. It might be scary but you need to be there for him now.”

“Of course.” Jefferson sat down next to James and winced as he spotted the large bandage that covered his head. Jefferson took James’ hand and prepared for yet another vigil.

 

Jefferson didn’t even realise he had fallen asleep until the hand in his own moved. He sat bolt upright and looked at the heart monitors. The beeping had increased. Jefferson glanced at Washington to find him smiling gently.

“He’s waking up.” Washington stood to get a doctor as Jefferson waited with baited breath. James’ eyes flickered open but they didn’t focus, just roving around the room.

“James?” Jefferson croaked out. James looked at him but Jefferson could tell he wasn’t really seeing anything. His eyes were still moving as if he couldn’t be bothered to focus them. “It’s alright, James, everything’s gonna be alright.” Jefferson took James’ hand and the boy’s eyes slowly moved down to it. James frowned slightly before he looked back at Jefferson. His eyes seemed to focus slightly more but they still slipped off.

Washington walked back into the room, a doctor behind him. The doctor smiled at James.

“Hello James.” James’ eyes half focused on her. “Don’t try to speak, just nod or shake your head. Can you do that for me?” James stared at her for a long moment before he nodded. “Well done. Do you know who I am?” James shook his head after another long moment. “I’m Dr Zoshia Williams. You’re in hospital right now.” James frowned at that, a slight furrow of his brow and down turn of his lips.

“W-” James didn’t get any further as he broke off in a groan.

“Hey,” Jefferson was there in a moment, “try not to speak, okay?” James stared at him and nodded slowly.

“I’ll grab some ice chips in a moment. James, you’ve just had surgery. It went well.” James smiled faintly at that. “I’ll leave you three alone now.”

“Doctor,” Jefferson stopped her, “was it cancer?”

“No. I should have started with that. It was benign but it was in a dangerous spot. It’s good it was spotted now.”

“Thank you so much.” Jefferson breathed out. She smiled and nodded.

“I’ll be back in a few hours when your friend is a bit more conscious.”

“Thank you.”

“James,” Washington stood over James, “you had us worried for a bit.” James smiled faintly at that.

“Shit James. You were-” Jefferson scoffed and stood on the other side of the bed. “If this is you coping on your own I hate to think what will happen when you go to college.” James was staring up at him but Jefferson paused. James was half frowning. “Is something wrong?”

James raised his hand slightly. He curled his hand in a loose fist but kept his index finger and thumb out. He stared at Jefferson and weakly pulled the index finger into the fist twice. Jefferson frowned for a moment before letting out a weak noise. He sat down and Washington looked at him curiously.

“What is it?”

“ASL.”

“He’s signing?”

“Well, yeah.” Jefferson’s voice was thick with emotion and he put his head into his hands. Washington frowned at James who repeated the motion and pointed to Jefferson.

“What’s the sign?”

“Who.” Jefferson stated. He wanted to spit the word out but he couldn’t. There was still just that same emptiness.

“Who?”

Jefferson stared at James before he answered Washington. Jefferson stared at the only piece of family who hadn’t abandoned him. He was amazed how strong his words were when he finally summoned the energy to croak out an answer.

“He doesn’t know who I am.”


	50. Alex Got Better But His Mother Died Quick

Yorktown was told about James’ illness late in the evening. Washington sat at the end of the table, looking exhausted.

“James is ill.”

Jefferson sat next to him looking empty.

“What’s wrong?” Peggy asked. She’d known James for years. For years he’d been the closest thing to family as she pushed her real one away.

“There was a tumour in his brain.” The room fell silent at Washington’s words. “It was found early this morning but we didn’t tell you until now because we wanted to give you good news. James had surgery, which was successful. It removed the tumour and found that it was not cancerous.”

“Thank fuck.” Peggy muttered.

“Language.”

“Thank you, Hercules.” Washington took a deep breath before he continued. “Visiting won’t happen for a while. I will be spending most of the day with James but he still needs a lot of private recovery time.”

“Does that include Thomas?” Angelica asked. Jefferson looked up and around at that and smiled shakily.

“Don’t really matter if it does or not.”

“What does that mean?”

“Brain surgery, such as this,” Washington paused, “there are sometimes complications. James is being monitored right now to see if he will develop any of the more serious complications. We’ve only seen him awake once but he seems to be having problems with his memory. It’s normal but-” Washington glanced at Jefferson who had nothing to say. “What happened to James will be very difficult for him to come to terms with. We’ll need to be there as a unit for him.”

“What do you mean by memory problems?” Eliza’s voice was soft and she was biting at her lip.

“He-” Washington glanced at Jefferson again who just scoffed.

“He forgot me.” Jefferson shrugged. “Apparently brain surgery can fuck up your memory. Who’d’ve _fucking_ guessed? Well, jokes on me I guess.” With that, Jefferson stood and stalked out of the room. The room watched him leave but no-one moved to follow.

“Thomas and I will be visiting James.” Washington pulled his gaze away from the door. “The school has allowed him to take a time of absence. This will be very difficult but James will pull through.”

Alexander stood and left the table. A few people stared at him as he went but not many, they all wanted to bolt from the table, to cope with it in their own ways. James was one of them, integral to Yorktown as much as the building itself was.

Alexander strode down the corridor but felt himself begin to run as he approached his room. As soon as he was inside he slammed the door and collapsed to the floor against it. He pulled his arms over his head as he felt his heart pounding.

“It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’llbeokay. It’llbeokayit’llbeokayit’llbeokayit’llbeokay.” Alexander hunched further into himself as he felt his breathing pick up another notch. He fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out the music player. He shoved a bud into his ear and started playing something, anything.

It hurt his ears, listening to it so loud, but it stopped his mutterings. He concentrated on each word and ignored how he’d have forgotten it by the next word. James was going to be fine. James will be fine.

_Mama will be fine._

“No.” Alexander whimpered. He tried to turn the volume up but found he was at the top. He turned the buds, pressing them deeper into his ears. “It’s not the same.”

He felt himself slipping away and he tried to concentrate on the music, how it seemed to rock through his body.

Alexander felt the screams of his younger self and he whimpered. He remembered, remembered it as if it was now, as if he couldn’t escape it.

He could feel the sickness in the room, how heavy and cloying the room was. He could feel the warmth his mama gave off, the shudders that ran through his own body. The realisation that they were going to die took a long time to sink in but when it did Alexander remembered how much he’d cried.

It was as if he was back in the room with the smell of a dead body next to him. It had taken days after his mother’s death for him to get well enough to leave the house. He’d tried to stop the smell but nothing had helped.

Alexander had just spent his days staring at the woman who had died for him and felt his heart breaking all over again.

The music pounded through his ears and Alexander sucked in a breath. James was going to be fine. It wasn’t like-

Alexander flinched as the door he was leaning against moved as someone knocked on it. He was immediately on the other end of the room, earbuds having been torn out in his desperate need to move, to run, to stay safe.

He curled into himself and pushed his arms over his head, as if that would stop a beating. He knew it wouldn’t but he hoped, as he always did. He hoped because he was an idiot who still thought he deserved anything after he let his mother die. After-

“Fuck.”

The whispered word made Alexander whimper. He then realised what he’d done and began to talk.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that. I know I’m not meant to. I won’t do it again. I promise. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI-” Alexander broke off as a hand landed on his shoulder. He felt his entire body freeze in place as he expected the beating.

All he could hope for now was that he’d walk, or at least crawl, away from it.

“Do you know where you are?” The voice was soft but Alexander didn’t trust it.

“No, sir. I’m sorry, sir.” Alexander felt tears still dribbling down his face but he didn’t wipe them away, didn’t dare move.

“That’s okay. You’re in Yorktown.”

For several long moments the name didn’t mean anything to Alexander. When it finally did he frowned. He was in the Caribbean, in the room that smelt of death and fear. But no, he was in Thompson’s house, preparing for a beating. But he was-

Alexander looked up slightly and saw someone staring back at him. He immediately ducked his head down but then began to remember the name to attach to the face.

“You’re safe here, Hamilton.”

“Je-Jefferson?” Alexander whispered.

“Yeah. You know where you are yet?”

“I-” Alexander pulled his head up from where it had been tucked into his knees. The room came into focus in front of his blurry eyes. “Yorktown?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson reached for Alexander’s music player and handed it to him. Alexander grabbed it and then paused. He wanted to play it again, to give him two things to concentrate on as Jefferson talked. He knew he shouldn’t. It would be a sign of rudeness and there were punishments for that. There were beatings and-

“Calm down, Alex.” Jefferson put a hand onto Alexander’s shoulder as the boy began to hyperventilate. “Come on, just look at me.” Alexander raised his eyes to Jefferson who smiled back. “There you go.”

Alexander’s hands fiddled with one of the ear buds. “Ca-” He broke off. He couldn’t ask to listen, couldn’t be rude, couldn’t let Jefferson see-

“Do you want to listen?” Jefferson didn’t quite understand but when Alexander nodded he just smiled calmly. “Then listen.” Alexander stared at him and slipped one bud into his ear. He turned the music down a bit but Jefferson could still hear it in the quiet room.

“Thank you.”

“Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

“No.” Alexander slowly uncurled his legs. Jefferson sighed.

“If you ignore it then it’ll only get worse.”

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t be an idiot. Let me help.” Jefferson said softly. Alexander glared at him for that.

“I have plenty of things I don’t need to share with you!”

“Then talk to Laf or Herc or Eliza or- or anyone.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Because they’ll blame me, Alexander thought. He knew he should be blamed, should be punished for it.

“Because.”

“For God’s sake, Hamilton!” Jefferson threw his arms up in exasperation. Alexander felt his heartrate speed up but he didn’t let Jefferson see. The boy had already seen too much, had already been shown too much by Alexander. “You’re self-destructing and if you don’t remember, the last time you did that I was beaten for weeks!”

“You could have stopped that.”

“Fine. If you don’t give a shit about what happened to me then look at Hercules. Stop self-destructing on your own and try to get some damn help before you blow up and take the rest of us with you.”

“Fuck off, Jefferson.”

“Alexander-”

“Just because James forgot you, doesn’t mean you need to treat me like him! I’m not some kind of fucking invalid!”

Jefferson’s face went blank at that, the kind of blank which told Alexander all he needed to know. Alexander opened his mouth to apologise just as Jefferson’s fist connected with his face.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Jefferson screamed. “Don’t you fucking dare-” Jefferson pulled himself back and strode to the door, slamming it shut behind him. Alexander watched him go and put his head into his hands. He couldn’t stop fucking up.

He hadn’t meant that, not really. He hadn’t meant invalid. He’d meant- Alexander didn’t even know what he’d meant. Jefferson had treated Alexander as if he could shatter at a moment’s notice. He hated that. Nowhere near as much as James probably hated being called an invalid but still.

Alexander crawled into the bed and tried to convince himself to sleep.

It took an awfully long time.

 

Alexander felt a hand grip his collar and the next thing he knew he was slammed face first into a wall. He felt his nose begin to bleed and he whimpered.

“What the fuck were you doing?” The man whispered, inches away from Alexander’s ear.

“I’m sorry.” Alexander whimpered out. The man slammed him against the wall again at the words.

“Sir. I told you to fucking call me sir.”

“Yes sir.”

“You don’t fucking learn do you? You’re an idiot just like that whore mother of yours.”

Alexander forced himself to take deep breaths. The man leaned in closer and Alexander shuddered as he felt the hot breath against his neck.

“Do you have something to say about that?”

“No sir.”

“Good.”

Alexander screwed up his eyes as he felt one hand withdraw from his body. He took several deep breaths.

“I heard you killed her.” The man whispered and Alexander shuddered.

“Sir-”

“Shut up.” The man growled. Alexander screwed his eyes shut as the man threw him to the ground. Alexander didn’t bother trying to get up as a foot landed on his throat. He could feel it press down by tiny increments until he was struggling to breathe.

Snot, blood and tears mixed as he refused to cry out, refused to admit how bad it was. He knew that the man would only take that as a sign of weakness.

“You like it, don’t you?”

“Please stop.” Alexander whispered. His voice was soft, barely travelling to the man’s ears. But the man lifted the foot anyway. Alexander curled into a ball as he began to cough and gag for air that wasn’t coming.

“This is where you belong.” The man said from above him. Alexander didn’t say anything, just continued to hack and cough. “On the floor.” He aimed a swift kick at Alexander’s ribs that made Alexander whimper but not cry out, he didn’t dare say anything else. “Immigrant bastard. You should have died with your mother. Maybe that way she wouldn’t have died.”

“Shut up.” Alexander snapped. He froze as the man stopped. He felt a hand on his collar and then he was facing the man. His feet kicked out uselessly as he was raised above the floor. Alexander tried to struggle but he was too tired and the man was too strong.

“What  did you just say?”

“I didn’t fucking kill her!” Alexander half shouted, common sense long since lost. He was dropped again and he saw the kick coming seconds before it connected with his face.

 His head slammed into the tiles and he lost consciousness.

 

Alexander sat bolt upright in bed, panting. He pulled the covers over his head and grabbed for the music player. He turned it to the max and pushed the earbuds into his ear as he began to rock gently.

He was safe. He’d left that house that same night as he’d heard sobs in the nights coming from himself. That was his last house, the last house before he dedicated himself to survival on the streets.

He had never been sure what the man had done when he’d passed out. All he knew was that he was in pain for weeks afterwards. He ran on pure adrenaline for a while and when that faded he just didn’t let himself think about it, pushing down all thoughts of that night.

Until today.

Alexander scrubbed at his eyes as he felt tears dribbling down. He’d killed his mother. Even before that he’d ruined her life.

Alexander was under no illusion of what his mother had done for a living. He knew she slept with people for money and he knew why. They were penniless and there were far too many people willing to pay women for that. Alexander had never seen any of the clients but he had seen his mother afterwards, as she sat at the table and sobbed into her hands.

He was the son of a whore.

Alexander shook his head at that. He was an orphan because he killed his mother.

Everything that had happened to him he’d deserved. He deserved to be hurt, to be beaten down until he couldn’t pick himself back up. He should have died in the small room which stank of death. Maybe he should have died with the apologies written, died by his own hand.

Alexander didn’t know. He just knew that he deserved to be hurt far worse than he already had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we'll properly return to James and Jefferson with the chap called 'I'm erasing myself from the narrative'


	51. I'm Erasing Myself From The Narrative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucking strap in for the angst train

Lafayette heard Alexander’s door slam closed and he frowned. He walked out into the hallway just in time to see Jefferson race down the stairs. He looked furious but when he saw Lafayette he paused.

“Mon ami? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, Laf.” Jefferson sighed. “It’s just- it’s Hamilton.”

“What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Please tell me, Thomas.”

“It-” Jefferson sighed. “He called James an invalid and I punched him.”

Lafayette stared at him for several long moments before he sighed.

“I do not understand why he would do that.”

“Because he doesn’t fucking understand when people are trying to help him! He’s a fucking idiot.” Jefferson began running his fingers over his right knuckles which were now puffy and bruised.

“I do not think he is the only one.”

“Look Laf, I don’t have time for this, okay? I- I just need to sleep and then I’ll be back with James.”

“Mon ami, this shall not be easy.”

“I know that, Laf.” Jefferson’s voice was soft and he sighed. “He didn’t recognise me.” His voice trembled. “He- he looked at me as if-” Jefferson broke off and took in a deep breath. Lafayette stepped forwards and pulled him into a hug.

“It is okay.” Jefferson gripped the back of Lafayette’s shirt and half collapsed against the teen. Jefferson could feel the shuddering tears threatening to tear him apart. “Come.” Lafayette pulled back and walked back into his room. Jefferson followed. “You should not have attempted this alone, Thomas.”

“I- I don’t have a choice, Laf! There’s no-one- there’s never been-” Jefferson broke off. “There’s never been anyone.”

“I am here, Thomas. I am here for you and Yorktown is here for you.”

“But-” Jefferson wiped at his eyes and tried to stop himself from crying. “I have to protect them.”

“Why?”

“Be-because I have to make up what I’ve done. All of the-” Jefferson’s breath hitched and he hiccupped gently. “I killed someone, Laf. I hid ra-rape. I need to repent.” Lafayette pulled Jefferson close again and Jefferson relaxed into the touch.

“Non, non.” Lafayette sighed. “You have nothing to make up for. You did what had to happen.”

“I don’t-”

“You are not a sinner, Thomas. You are a saint within the gutter. You will know that one day, I promise.”

Jefferson didn’t believe him but he didn’t have the energy to say anything else.

 

When Jefferson woke up the next day he lay in bed for a long time. He knew he wasn’t going to school but he also knew he was going to the hospital. He wanted to see James, of course he did. The problem was he wanted to see _James,_ not the version of James he’d seen in that bed.

There was a knock on the door and Jefferson sighed.

“Yeah?”

Washington opened the door and stepped in.

“Son, I’m going to be leaving soon.”

“Yeah.” Jefferson stood and sighed. “I’ll be ready.”

“Thomas-” Washington paused and sighed. “He’ll get better.”

“I know, sir. James is strong.”

Stronger than Jefferson anyway.

Washington nodded and left the room. Jefferson watched him go and sat back down on the bed. He could do this.

 

Jefferson couldn’t do this.

James was staring at him curiously. Every time Jefferson glanced at him James looked away. James seemed to have no problems remembering Washington but still didn’t remember Jefferson. Jefferson looked up as a doctor approached.

“Hello James. Hello Thomas. Where is Mr Washington?”

“He had to take a call from the school, explaining everything.”

“Okay. Well, I’d like to start this assessment without him then. James can you please move to sit upright on the bed.” James nodded and moved. “Okay, Thomas, can you please come over here.”

“Sure.” Thomas walked to James and the doctor gestured for him to support James.

“James, I’d like you to try to stand. If you can’t then that’s fine.”

James nodded and pushed himself up. He wavered for a moment on his single leg but then stabilised himself with Jefferson’s help.

“Okay. Thomas, can you please step back. James, you need to remain standing. If you can’t then try to fall back onto the bed.” James nodded again and Jefferson slowly moved backwards. James wobbled slightly but remained standing. “That’s good. Okay, you can sit back down now.”

“What is this?” Jefferson asked quietly.

“It’s just a quick test to make sure nothing has deteriorated.”

“You’ve already done these tests?”

“Yes. James, can you speak?”

“Wh-” James’ voice was rough and he coughed halfway through his first word. “What do you want me to say?”

“Can you please tell me why you’re in hospital?”

“I had a tumour in my brain.” James frowned as he tried to remember. “Not cancer.”

“Yes. That’s correct.” The doctor handed James a pen and a piece of paper. “Please write that down and then show it to me.” James took the paper and began to write down the words. It was slower than normal but that was to be expected, everything was still a bit slower from the anaesthetic and the pain meds. He paused halfway through and frowned.

“I- I don’t know what to write.” James said softly. The doctor nodded gently and repeated her words. James stared at the paper but couldn’t seem to summon the words.

“Okay, that’s fine.”

James handed it back to the doctor and she smiled. She read through it and frowned slightly. Jefferson stared at her in disbelief, how could she be so calm? How could she be so calm if James couldn’t write a sentence that simple?

“Can you read this back to me please?” The doctor handed it back and James frowned.

“I had a tumour.”

“Okay.” The doctor handed James a piece of paper and pointed to the top. “Can you read this out please?”

“The letters?” James asked. Jefferson glanced between them as the doctor nodded. “D J S Y Q V O S I-” James frowned. “I- don’t know if…”

“That’s enough. Thank you.”

“What was-” Jefferson frowned and the doctor sighed. She handed him the paper and he stared down at the words.

**The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog**

“But-” Jefferson looked at the doctor in confusion. “That’s not-”

“It looks like James is still having some problems with reading and writing comprehension. It should be temporary.”

“And if it’s not?”

“It should be.”

“That’s not good enough! What if-”

“Can you calm down, please?” James asked. Jefferson looked at him and sighed before nodding.

“Sorry, James.” Jefferson took in a deep breath before he turned back to the doctor. “What will happen now?”

“James, you’re going to be transferred to a different ward for a bit of long term observation. If your reading and writing comprehension doesn’t get better by the time you are released then you will see a specialist from home.”

“Okay.” James nodded. Jefferson bit his lip and looked back to the doctor.

“What about his memory problems?”

“You have to remember that whatever is happening right now is probably not permanent. James’ brain is coming to terms with the surgery.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jefferson took a deep breath and nodded. He began to press down on his knuckles and the pain let him breathe deeper, let the ball of tightness in his chest ease up a bit. He didn’t notice James watching him curiously.

When the doctor had left the two boys sat in silence. Jefferson had so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to understand but he knew that it wouldn’t help, that James couldn’t answer the questions.

“Why are you hurting yourself?” James asked quietly. Jefferson snapped his head up at that. James nodded at his knuckles and Jefferson shoved them into his pockets.

“It-” Jefferson shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah it does.” James met his eyes and Jefferson sighed.

“It’s complicated.”

“You make a lot of excuses.”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“You avoid answering. I only asked one question.”

“Well if I answered that’d be boring, darling.” Jefferson smiled, it almost felt like normal. Then he saw James’ expression falter.

“Were we- were we dating?” James asked in confusion. Jefferson sighed and shook his head.

“Fuck no. I just- I called you that because it bugged you.”

“Oh.” James filed that away for later perusal. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

“It’s helping me focus.” Jefferson admitted quietly. “Never really done it before. Just when the pamphlet broke but that was-” Jefferson scoffed. James frowned at that. “Of course, you don’t remember that. It was a- uh- a shit show.”

“How much am I missing?”

“From what you’ve said I think it’s a year and a half, maybe two years.”

“So you haven’t known me long.”

“No. Not long at all.”

“Then why are you so upset?”

Jefferson paused at that and pressed his knuckles into his thigh where James wouldn’t see it.

“I’m a foster kid as well. It’s been a long time since I had a fam- a friend, like you.”

“Is there anyone else at Yorktown I won’t know?”

“Yeah, a few. Alexander Hamilton, John Laurens and Maria Lewis. Hercules Mulligan is living at Yorktown as well.”

“Herc? Why is he-”

“Herc was- let’s say he was dealing with some stuff.”

“Right.” James didn’t seem satisfied but he pressed on anyway. “And the other three?”

“Maria is amazing. She’s a bit scared of a lot of things but she’s brave. She’s-” Jefferson smiled. “She’s amazing. John is brave as well. They both went through hell and they’re fighting so hard to get back to who they were. John’s a good person despite the hell he was put through.” James frowned at the smile on Jefferson’s face, the smile that didn’t quite manage to budge as he thought of his siblings.

“And the other kid?”

“Hamilton’s a little shit that doesn’t shut up.”

“Oh.” James looked taken aback for a moment. “Is he-”

“He’s annoying. He’s actually infuriating. He doesn’t think before he speaks and he doesn’t care who it hurts. He’s also very caring and incredibly loyal. Don’t tell him I told you that though.”

“So you two have some kind of feud going on?”

“Yeah.”

“Right.” James was smiling. “That sounds grown up.”

“Never accuse me of something like that! I am _never_ grown up!”

James laughed at that and stared at Jefferson as if he was trying to crack some kind of code.

“Why were you my friend?”

“Because you’re kind.” Jefferson sighed at the fact that James was trying to remember like this, was trying to piece it together logically. “And because I thought Washington was hurting you.”

“Was he?”

“No. You just tripped with your leg.”

“And that was all it took? Thinking Washington was hurting me?”

“Yeah, mostly.” Jefferson shrugged and James frowned. “Also, the next day I broke a kid’s nose for trying to hurt you.”

“Did you just become my protector or something?”

“I became your friend.” Jefferson’s voice was soft but James heard it.

“Look I- I’m really sorry I don’t remember you but-”

“Don’t be stupid. You had brain surgery. I think you’re allowed to be a bit forgetful.”

“Yeah.” James fiddled with the blankets in front of him. “Thanks for visiting me. It must be really difficult but-”

“You’re my friend, James. And even if you don’t remember it right now I know that when you do remember you’d be pissed at me if I didn’t visit.” Jefferson didn’t think that, not really. James would accept it because he’d understand just how terrifying this was for Jefferson.

“I don’t get angry about a lot of things.”

“True.”

“And I wouldn’t get angry about that.”

“You can argue very well for someone missing over a year of their life.”

“Apparently so.” James shrugged. “I feel the same, kind of. It doesn’t feel like there’s any time missing. I just feel like me.” Jefferson nodded at that and tried to ignore that he was that missing time, that he was the time James didn’t even think was important.

Jefferson didn’t even notice as he began to press down on his knuckles.

 

Washington forced Jefferson to take a break when lunch rolled around. Jefferson spent it in the cafeteria just staring off into nothing. He wasn’t hungry. He wanted to be able to do something but he couldn’t, not with this version of James.

Jefferson knew that he was broken, broken beyond repair and his James had understood that. He’d known the topics to avoid and the questions that could break Jefferson. This new James just didn’t. He wasn’t the person who brought Jefferson to his grandparent’s graves, he was the person before Jefferson.

He tried not to wonder if this James was happier, if this James was happier because Jefferson had never come into his life. Jefferson groaned at that thought and put his head into his hands.

There were so many questions he wanted answering but they just couldn’t be. There was no way of asking the universe to keep James safe beyond what Jefferson had already done, prayed to a God he barely believed in to take his life as some sort of forfeit.

Jefferson stayed in the cafeteria for an hour before walking back to James’ room. When he got there Washington took his break. Neither of them wanted to leave James alone for any stretch of time.

Jefferson watched as James’ eyes tracked him across the room. James still didn’t trust him fully. Jefferson couldn’t blame him, not really. If he was in James’ position there was a significant chance he’d have run the moment he’d woken up.

“How much do you know about me?” James asked softly. Jefferson glanced at him.

“What?”

“I mean,” James frowned and bit his lip. “I- I don’t know what I mean.”

“I know how you lost your leg and parents and how you’re ill now. I-” Jefferson shook his head, “I know you’re lactose intolerant but you ignore that because you really really like ice cream. I know that one day you want your writing to change the world. I know you could never quite figure out how. Sometimes you say you want to be a speechwriter for a politician, sometimes you want to be a journalist and sometimes you want to be an author. Most days you’re scared you won’t be anything because you’ll be too sick. You- you’re scared about that a lot.”

“Yeah.” James muttered. “I- I feel at a disadvantage now.”

“You want to ask some questions then?”

“Yeah.”

“Fire away.” Jefferson leant back in the chair as much as he could. James wrung his hands for a moment before he spoke.

“Wh-what’s your name?” James’ voice was quiet but it felt like Jefferson had been punched in the gut. He took a deep breath before he looked back at James. He pressed fingers into the bruised knuckles that saw no sign of healing.

“Thomas Jefferson.”

“Like the founding father?”

“In a way.” Jefferson half laughed. “I was abandoned at birth. My birth mother only gave me a first name. I chose Jefferson.”

“Why would you want to be called Thomas Jefferson? He did terrible things and we were the people who were hurt by them.”

Jefferson took in another deep breath at that as he remembered the last time he had this conversation.

“I wanted control. I wanted to dictate my own life. I didn’t care how.”

“And you chose Thomas Jefferson?”

“I was a pretentious prick.”

“What changed?” James smiled but then immediately looked horrified. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine. You’ve called me a lot worse.”

“Oh. Why- why’d you want control?”

“I’ve been in the system since I was quite young. I mean, passed around. New house every month or so. New faces, new friends. In the end nothing stuck. Anyone I liked I’d lose in a matter of weeks.”

“That happened most of your life?”

“Yeah. People pause when you tell them your name is Thomas Jefferson. People noticed me for a moment or two. It was- it was nice.” Jefferson sighed. It was nice, it was so nice to be noticed even for a second as anything other than the foster kid, the problem kid, the kid no-one wanted. The name gave him an air of mystery which he made sure to add to with a tongue so sharp it nearly explained his bloodied grin.

“Why were you moved around so much?”

“I’ve been labelled as a problem child a few times.”

“Why?”

“I get into a lot of fights.”

James looked down at Jefferson’s knuckles. Jefferson shoved them back into his pockets and found he suddenly couldn’t meet James’ eyes.

“They look worse.”

“They’re not from a fight.” Jefferson pushed the thought of Alexander’s shocked face from his mind. Jefferson could atone for that sin later.

“What are they from?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Jefferson shifted slightly before he sighed. “They’ll heal up soon enough.”

“But they’re still there now. What did you do to them?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes. You’ve got bruises! Of course it matters!”

Jefferson stared at James for a long moment then. That was already more care than most people he’d met had for him. The number of parents who had just turned away when they saw bruises, the number of foster parents who had caused more or had exacerbated them or had just left them untreated. There had been doctors who cared less, social workers who had just shrugged bruises off as nothing.

“Are you okay?” James asked softly. Jefferson nodded slowly.

“People don’t normally care about my bruises.”

“Oh.”

“If you must know, I hit a wall.”

“What did it do to you?” James chuckled slightly at that and Jefferson smiled back.

“I get angry a lot.”

“What did the wall do?”

“It got in my way?” Jefferson asked. James stared at him.

“Twice?”

“It-”

“You did it because of me.” It wasn’t a question and Jefferson didn’t answer. James sighed. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s because I can’t remember, isn’t it?”

“No. I did it after the doctor said you might have cancer. I just- I didn’t know what to do. The memory thing- we’ll get through that. I know we will.” Jefferson sighed and put his head into his hands.

“We?” James asked softly, as if afraid of the answer.

“What?” Jefferson looked up.

“You said we. I- I don’t understand it.” James began to fiddle with the blanket. “I know we’re friends but…”

“Before you got to the hospital we were in a taxi. We were coming back from my grandparent’s graves. I’d never seen them before. You tracked them down for me.” Jefferson shrugged. “I don’t know. It…” Jefferson trailed off. “I don’t know.” Jefferson coughed as his throat got tight with emotion and tears pricked in his eyes. “We’re close.” Were, Jefferson’s mind added. We were close.

“Okay.”

The room fell back into silence and Jefferson sighed. He’d known his friendship with James would be painful, he’d known that from the moment he met James. He didn’t think it could ever be this painful.


	52. I Know There's No Replacing What We're Lost And You Need Time

Yorktown was too tense without James. Even when they’d all been told that he’d be okay there was a sensation of wrongness. There always was when he was in the hospital. No matter how many time Angelica was told James would be okay she still couldn’t convince herself.

She was ridiculously happy when Washington said that she could go to the hospital. They’d tried to keep the number of people down so as to not overwhelm James. It made sense that one of the sisters went next, Angelica was just glad it was her.

“Hey James.” Angelica said as she stood in the doorway. James turned to her and frowned.

“Angie?”

“Yeah.”

“You- you look older.” James bit his lip.

“Your memory’s still not back?”

“No.”

“It’ll come.” Jefferson insisted. James glanced at him in apprehension and nodded.

“So, what are you doing now?” James asked softly.

“I’m getting ready to leave for college.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. In a few months. Still can’t really believe it. I’ve applied and I’m just waiting for the responses.”

“You’ll get them.” James smiled at Angelica with such certainty. “You’ll go to your first choice.”

“I sure hope so.”

Jefferson stared as James and Angelica fell into a conversation with an ease that reminded him of just how long they’d known each other. He tried desperately to not feel envy burning in his gut. Angelica could help James. Angelica could help James far more than Jefferson could.

 

When noon rolled around, Jefferson slowly tugged Angelica away so they could get something to eat. They sat in the cafeteria, facing each other.

“So you leave at this time every day?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you holding up?”

“Good.”

“Really?”

“Of course, darling.” Jefferson smiled. He stared down at his food and Angelica sighed.

“You can talk to me.”

“I am.”

“I’m serious. This must be-”

“Darling, don’t worry about me.”

“You can say you’re fine but I know you’re not.” Angelica leant forward and stared at him. “You look like you did the first time I saw you.” Jefferson stiffened at that. “I know something’s wrong.”

“I’ll admit, I didn’t make the best first impression. Sorry.”

“You were in chains, bruised and being hit by a fucking police officer. You shouldn’t be the one apologising there.” Jefferson glanced at her then. He didn’t seem to hold her gaze for very long before his eyes flickered back down to his plate. “You look like that. Now what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, darling. Come on.” Jefferson pushed aside his mostly full plate and stood. “Can’t leave James alone for too long.”

 

The moment they stepped into James’ room James turned to Jefferson.

“Why do you have a blade in your bag?” James’ voice was quiet but it made Jefferson’s blood run cold.

“What the fuck did you say?” Jefferson spat out. Angelica rounded on him in astonishment. Jefferson stood and towered over James. “What did you say!” James glanced at Angelica in fear. “Don’t fucking look at her. Look at me.” Jefferson hissed. James looked at him and opened his mouth before shutting it.

“I- there’s a blade in the bag. I don’t know why. I-”

“And why the fuck were you going through my bag?”

“Jefferson, stop it.” Angelica growled out. She rose as well and the two stared at each other.

“This has nothing to do with you, Angelica.”

“Don’t yell at him.”

“Don’t go through my fucking stuff then!” Jefferson roared. He saw James flinch and he looked away. “Why the hell did you go through it?”

“I was looking for something.” James’ voice was quiet and he looked terrified. “I just-”

“Why do you even have your schoolbag here Jefferson?” Angelica spat out, furious at him. “And why the fuck does it have a knife in it?”

“Fuck off, Angelica.”

“No! How do you get to say that to James?”

“He went through my stuff!”

“He was looking for something!”

“What? What could he have possibly been looking for?”

James shifted slightly and stared down at his hands. Jefferson stared at him and he shrugged.

“I- it’s not a school bag. I just- I knew it had something I needed. I didn’t-”

Jefferson took in a deep breath.

“What did you need?” He asked, slightly more gently.

“I don’t know. I- I guess I was cold?”

Jefferson’s face went blank and he reached a hand into the bag and pulled out the blanket. James stared at it in confusion.

“How did he know that?” Angelica asked in confusion.

“The memories are starting to bleed through. It’s how we know he’s getting better.” Jefferson pulled the bag onto his back. “I’m going back to Yorktown.”

“What?” Angelica asked in amazement. Jefferson turned and left without a word. Angelica glanced at James who just shrugged. She then followed Jefferson out of the room. “What the hell, Jefferson?” Angelica called down the corridor. Jefferson paused at her shout but didn’t stop.

Angelica growled and ran down the hallway until she was in front of him. He glared down at her and moved to the side. She grabbed him by his collar and shoved him into the supply closet. She threw him in and then slammed the door shut behind her.

“What was that?” Angelicas hissed.

“Fuck off.” Jefferson snapped back. He took a step forwards but Angelica grabbed at his bag first and managed to tug it away.

Angelica stumbled backwards as Jefferson backhanded her.

She didn’t even understand it for several long seconds. Jefferson was staring at her with an almost apology on his face but he hadn’t said it, hadn’t taken the opportunity to ask if she was alright. He had just taken the bag back.

“What the ever-loving hell, Jefferson!” Angelica screamed. She knew how to take a hit but she had never expected Jefferson to hit her. Jefferson could, of course he could. Jefferson didn’t. Jefferson never raised a hand to anyone who didn’t deserve it, Yorktown or not.

“I-”

“No! When did you start yelling at James? When did you start hitting people?” Angelica nearly screamed that and Jefferson couldn’t meet her eyes. “I don’t give a fuck what you’re going through, Jefferson! You don’t fucking break down in front of James! He just remembered something and you scared him off! You scared James! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Angelica-”

“I’ve put up with enough of your shit! I stood by you when you let my baby sister live with a fucking paedophile! I trusted you! James trusted you! You’re no fucking better than them! What the fuck is more important than me? What the fuck is more important than James?”

“Don’t.” Jefferson’s voice was quiet but Angelica didn’t stop. She grabbed the bag and this time Jefferson let it go. He still didn’t meet her eyes.

“You hurt him for fucking cereal bars?” Angelica snapped out. Jefferson shook his head. “You promised to protect him, Jefferson. You promised again and again that you’d be there no matter what. This is what makes you break that fucking promise?” Angelica scoffed and dropped the bag. “You’re scum, Jefferson.”

Jefferson didn’t say anything and that just made Angelica even angrier.

“Do you have nothing to say? Have I finally managed to silence Thomas fucking Jefferson?” Jefferson said nothing. “Say something!”

“What do you want me to say?” Jefferson sounded exhausted and Angelica paused at that.

 “Anything!”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s not fucking enough! What, you can deal with bullies beating the shit out of you because of the pamphlet but you hit me because I took your bag? What the fuck! Just tell me god Damnit!”

“There- there’s no reason.”

“Then why do you have a knife!”

“As a last resort.” Jefferson’s voice was soft but Angelica went pale at his words anyway.

“What?” Angelica’s voice was quiet and hard as ice.

“As a last resort.” Jefferson met Angelica’s eyes and shrugged. “That bag, that’s for when everything goes to shit. If I need to survive on my own fir a while. The knife is for when I don’t need to.”

“Jesus Christ.” Angelica breathed out. “Wh-why were you so angry at James?”

“Because my James would know! Th-the _instant_ he saw that he would have shouted at me. He- he would have known. It’s not fair to hate him but-” Jefferson took in a deep breath as he tried to keep his tears back. “That’s not my James! That’s not my brother!” Jefferson took a step back at that and leant against the wall.

“Thomas-”

“I don’t have family, Angelica. I have James. I- I _had_ James. Everyone is taken from me.” Jefferson was sobbing and he slowly slid to the floor. “I’m left behind.” Jefferson curled in on himself and began to sob with deep heaving breaths that he couldn’t seem to stop.

Angelica sighed and sat down next to him. She leant her head on his shoulder.

“He’s going to be okay.”

“What if he’s not? I- I keep on telling him it’ll be okay but I don’t believe myself anymore.”

“Then-”

“Then what? Then we deal with it? I’m done dealing, Angelica! I want to-”

“What?” Angelica’s voice was soft. “What do you want, Thomas?”

“I want to have a family.” Jefferson’s voice was so soft, as if he was once more the child being told he was adopted. “I want to have a home. I want- fucking hell.” Jefferson wiped away the tears in his eyes, ignoring how they were instantly replaced. “I want to not- not have to carry that fucking bag around for the rest of my life. I want to know that one day I’ll be able to not carry that. I want to know that one day I’ll have a real home. I want a home.” Jefferson shook his head and let out a shaky laugh. “And I know that’s not going to happen.” Angelica sighed deeply.

“You could- you’re young and-”

“I’m an orphan, Angelica. Every- every family has left me! My- my parents, my grandparents, Kitty, James! How-” Jefferson broke off again. “I thought he’d be there. I- he promised he wouldn’t leave and he didn’t. I- I don’t know if I’m meant to have happiness, Angelica. I- I think there’s too much wrong with me.”

“That is bullshit and you know it. Everyone deserves happiness, Thomas and from what you’ve been through you deserve it more. What’s going on is-” Angelica sighed, “it’s terrible. I know that you’re terrified for James but you need to stop this. You need to understand that James isn’t the end of your family. Even if his memories don’t come back he’ll still be there. Lafayette will be there for you, so will everyone at Yorktown.”

“Pegs hates me.”

“Yeah and you thought Alexander hated you. What did he do when you were being hurt? He stood up for you. If I know one thing about family it’s that they argue. They fight. Peggy hated me for a long time but it didn’t stop her from loving us.”

“But what if James doesn’t come back?”

“Then you’ll meet the new James.”

“Wh-what if he doesn’t want me?”

“Then he’s an idiot. That doesn’t sound much like James to me.” Angelica offered Jefferson a smile which he shakily returned.

“I shouldn’t’ve hit you.”

“No shit.” Angelica snorted. “And if you ever try to do that again I’ll end you, Jefferson.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a mess.”

“A hot mess though.” Jefferson smiled at Angelica as he spoke and she rolled her eyes.

“There you are, back to normal. Come on, you’re going to apologise to James.”

“Okay.” Angelica stood while Thomas slowly collected the things that had fallen out of his bag. His hands paused over a book. He opened it slightly and took in the pictures inside.

“What are they?”

“A fascinating invention called pictures, my dear.” There was no bite in Jefferson’s voice. He didn’t close the book, just kept on staring at them.

“Who’s in them?”

“Me. A few-” Jefferson paused as if trying to find the words, “some people who I used to be very close to.” Jefferson closed the book and put it back into his bag. “Some people from a very different chapter in my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying this fic then you should go check out 'Hercules's List of Reminders' by Semoka. No real reason, I just remembered how fucking amazing the fic is and I feel like there are similar themes so some of you might like it as well. As with any fic, do watch the tags as it is a very angsty fic.


	53. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone who gets this email knows what it is

Something big has just happened in my family. I'm fine but I am going to take a break from this story. It will be finished but I'm not going to have time to edit it properly with what's happening


	54. I Will Kill Your Friends And Family To Remind You Of My Love

Lafayette was in charge of getting the post. They didn’t want to be. Instead they wanted to be sat at the breakfast table eating. Or sleeping.

They wanted that a lot.

There were normally very few letters in the mail. There might be something for Washington from the state or the occasional letter for the sisters from their father. That had almost stopped. Lafayette had noticed a few letters for Hercules but they knew Hercules never opened them, just stared at his family’s handwriting.

That day there was a thick bundle of papers. Lafayette frowned at them and flicked through them. There was one for them, Maria, Hercules, Jefferson, Eliza and Alexander. Lafayette opened their own as they walked back to the house. They set the others down for a second and pulled the letter out.

Instantly any sensation of happiness was gone as Lafayette scanned the letter. It was a summons, a summons to the trail of James Reynolds.

Lafayette stared down at the letters on the side and felt revulsion rise. Hercules was being called to court, called to face the person who had raped and abused him for months. Lafayette picked the letters up again and started their slow walk to the dining room.

When they reached the room they paused for a moment. There was an air of almost domesticity around the table. A card was being passed around that would be given to James later. Lafayette really hated having to be the one to break the news.

“Mes amies.” Lafayette started. The rest of the table turned to them and the letters in their hand.

“What are they?” Peggy asked. Lafayette sighed.

“Court summons. Maria,” they pushed the letter across the table to her, “Eliza, Thomas, Alexander and Hercules.” Lafayette handed Hercules his. Hercules just stared at it for a long time. The table was silent.

Everyone stared at Hercules, wondering what he was about to do. He stayed frozen for several long moments before he stood. He noticed that the table was watching him and shook his head.

“Not hungry.” Hercules pushed his full plate away, took the letter, and walked off. The table watched him go before Maria rose.

“Laf, you gonna go after him or do I gotta?” Maria asked in a soft voice. Lafayette glanced at her before they nodded.

“I shall- I shall go.”

“Okay, darling.” Maria sat back down and slowly opened her own letter. Lafayette strode off after Hercules.

Lafayette knocked gently on Hercules’ door.

“Mon amour?” Lafayette called softly. “Can I enter?”

“Yeah.”

Lafayette opened the door to see Hercules sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. The letter sat next to him, unopened. Lafayette paused before they sat down next to him.

“Salut, mon amour.” Lafayette whispered. Hercules glanced at him and smiled. His eyes were full of tears. “Oh Hercules.”

“It-” Hercules shook his head and put it back into his hands. “I just want to be free of it all, Laf. I want to just not have to fight this anymore. I want to have won!”

“You shall win.” Lafayette took a seat next to Hercules and gently reached for one of his hands. Hercules let them take it and they began to draw gentle patterns with their thumb. “It is one more step and then there is nothing. You will not be stopped by this now, mon amour. Nothing will stop you now.”

“I don’t want to testify at this. I don’t want to testify at King’s. I don’t want to testify at my own goddamn trial to see if I’m a goddamn prostitute!” Hercules paused and took a deep breath. “It’s so difficult, Laf. To just wake up every day and know that he’s out there. Even if I testify, if Maria testifies and everyone testifies, that won’t change the fact that he’s alive. It won’t change what I did. Nothing can.”

“Oui.” Lafayette murmured. “May I hold you?” Hercules nodded and Lafayette pulled Hercules closer to them gently.

“I’m always gonna be a whore.” Hercules whispered, tears in his eyes. “No matter what. I-I slept with people for money. I let them do-” Hercules shuddered at the memories, “terrible things. Just- just for money. I- I hadn’t even had sex before that. They took _everything,_ Laf. I- I don’t have…”

“I cannot imagine how difficult this shall be for you Hercules. I do know that you are strong, you shall survive this. It is not forever.”

“But it is!” Hercules pulled back and Lafayette immediately relinquished their arms. “I’m still going to have sold myself when I die! I know that if someone told me that it would save my family’s life then I would fuck whoever they wanted me to. If I didn’t have food or money then I’d be on my knees in a fucking instant! I-” Hercules drew in a ragged breath. “I think it’s who I am, Laf. I- I’m a whore.”

“Non, non, mon amour. You are not. You are someone who has known more hardship than they were supposed to ever. You are someone who has seen too much. It does not make you less, it makes you more. You fought with what you could and-”

“I fought by fucking people?”

“Oui.” Hercules’ face turned dark at that and Lafayette barrelled on. “Because you had nothing else. You could not do anything else! You just said you would return when your family was in danger. Mon amour, you have slept with people for money but you are no whore. You are merely one with no self-preservation. If you had the choice would you return to it?”

“Course not.”

“If someone’s life was in danger would you?”

“Course I would. Laf that-”

“You are not a whore, Hercules. You are a good man.”

“Thanks.” Lafayette curled closer to Hercules who smiled as he took their hand. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

“What do you wish to say?” Lafayette asked quietly, gently taking Hercules’ hand.

 “What’re your pro-nouns?” Hercules asked softly. Lafayette went rigid for a moment. “If- if you wanna tell me. I mean.” Hercules pulled back slightly. “I know it’s all confusing right now and you don’t really know if you want to swap regularly or if you just prefer them and they but I-”

“They and them.” Lafayette said softly. Hercules smiled and nodded.

“In public?”

“Only in Yorktown.”

“Okay.” Hercules paused before he sighed again. “Look I did some research. I- I don’t know if you’ve done any or if you’re just going to let it work out on its own. I think you need to read up, to realise that it’s not unnatural or anything. It’s actually quite common.”

Lafayette had fallen silent, their entire body had fallen silent. Their breathing was beginning to pick up in fear. They weren’t allowed to think about that, about any of that. It was for freaks. Freaks even worse than Lafayette. It showed how wrong they were, how broken they were. No-one would want someone that needy or that stupid, stupid enough to not realise they were male. He was male. He was male. He was-

“Hey Laf come on.” A voice broke through Lafayette’s monologue and they flinched back. “Shit.” Hercules whispered. “Okay Laf, it’s just me. It’s just Herc.”

“Je suis désolé. Je sais ce que je suis. Je le sais, je le promets.” Lafayette whispered out. He heard a sigh and flinched back again.

“Hey, hey, it’s me. It’s fine. You’re safe, okay? Look, just- you gotta calm down.”

Lafayette could feel their breathing was too fast, that it was beginning to hurt by how fast it was. They flinched back again as a hand took their hand and placed it on a warm moving something.

“Breathe with me, Laf.” A voice whispered. “Come on. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.” Lafayette forced themselves to copy the breathing. “That’s good. Just a bit longer now.” Lafayette continued forcing themselves to breathe and after several long moments they opened their eyes. Hercules was staring at them in fear but Lafayette just offered a shaky smile back.

“Mon amour.”

“Thank god.” Hercules whispered. He flung himself forward and pulled Lafayette close. “I still can’t get used to those.”

“Thank you.”

“Look Laf, I- I shouldn’t’ve sprung all of that on you. I’m really sorry.”

“Non, non, it is- it is okay. I was just surprised.”

“You were scared.” Hercules corrected them. He sighed. “I just- I really wanna help but I don’t know how to.”

“You do not need to help. I shall- I shall eventually know.”

“I want to help.”

“Oui. Not now.”

“Okay.” Hercules leant forwards and kissed Lafayette’s lips. Lafayette stared at him and Hercules offered a shaky smile. It was still difficult for him, Lafayette knew that. The nightmares were getting less frequent but they were still there. The taunts at school were also dying down. Hercules knew that a lot of that was down to the other Yorktown kids.

Each kiss Lafayette got was precious, on some days even a hug was precious. They were okay with that, with knowing that every gesture of affection was meant, was never a reaction, was never fake, Hercules did it all because he cared for Lafayette enough that he was willing to remember what had happened to him all over again.

 

Throughout the morning school Lafayette’s phone would not stop buzzing. Their teacher had threatened to confiscate it several times until Lafayette finally turned the thing off. When it got to break they pulled the phone out of their pocket and turned it on.

Lafayette immediately paled as he stared down at the messages. Alexander, who had been in their class, noticed.

“What is it, Laf?”

“Il n'y a rien à craindre. Quelqu'un que je connaissais depuis longtemps essayait de reprendre contact.”

“Right. So if it’s nothing to worry about why did you just start speaking French?”

“It is my mother tongue.”

“And something you don’t use.” Alexander stared at Lafayette’s phone. “Who is it then? The person you used to know I mean.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah. Especially if you’re getting this upset about it.”

“Maybe I am this upset because I do not want you in my business!” Lafayette’s accent grew thicker with every word as their tone became angry. Alexander paused at that.

“Who is it?”

“They are none of to be concerned!”

“Really? Laf, tell me! You don’t-”

“Fuck off.” Lafayette spat out. Alexander raised his eyebrows at that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Lafayette say that.

“Laf, I’m trying to help.”

“I need not your help!”

“Look-”

“Non! Vous n'êtes utile à personne!”

“Fine!” Alexander glared at Lafayette but he backed off. “But I know that something’s wrong. I don’t care who you tell but if you can’t even remember fucking English then you need to tell someone!”

“Je peux parler français sans l'aide de quelqu'un comme vous.”

“Someone like me? I-” Alexander scoffed and shook his head. “Find someone else to snap at. I was just trying to help.” With that Alexander stormed off, hands reaching for his music player. Lafayette watched him go and wanted to collapse. They hated this, hated each and every time their phone buzzed in their pocket.

They shoved the phone back into their pocket and jogged after Alexander. Alexander glared at them as they ran in front of him.

“Mon petit lion, I did not mean that.”

“What’s wrong, Laf?”

“Please do not ask that of me.”

“Come on Laf, this is really upsetting you. I don’t remember the last time I saw you with this much French outside of a panic attack!”

“It is-” Lafayette sighed before they unlocked their phone and passed it to Alexander. He frowned before he spotted a contact.

“George? You mean Washington?”

“Non.” Lafayette’s voice was choked. “George Frederick.”

“Shit.” Alexander whispered. He opened the conversation and blanched. “How the hell does he even send you that many messages? Isn’t there a restraining order or something?”

“He gets new phones. He throws away the old ones. They have not been traced back.” Lafayette’s voice was weak. “I have tried to change numbers and he learnt the new one. He threatened to hurt Hercules if I did it again.”

“You’ve taken this to the police, right?” Alexander asked fearfully. Lafayette nodded.

“They have been able to do nothing. They cannot prove it is him.”

“This-” Alexander scrolled up the messages, looking sick. “Laf, these are death threats. This isn’t a joke or anything. How have you not told anyone?”

“I do not wish for them to find out. If- if they were to find that George was threatening me they would be scared.”

“They should be scared, Laf!”

“Please petit lion, George shall not kill me.” Lafayette took the phone back. “He does not mean me harm. They are simply to scare me, not promises.”

“Laf this is serious. Really serious. You need to tell Washington or-”

“Washington has known for months. George has been trying to contact me for the last year and a half. To begin with it was very little, simply letters written to me which I did not open. Then the letters arrived at school. One day he tried to talk to me and I asked him to leave which he did. The next day he was there again and I told him to leave which he would not. I- he got my phone number and started to text me. Then he started calling. Then he kept on appearing, waiting for me. He has a restraining order and he has only broken it once.”

“When was that?”

“A few months ago, the day Hercules and I began to date. He wanted me to come with him. I- I think it is why Reynolds chose him for Hercules’ punishment.”

“You should have told us, Laf.”

“I know, mon petit lion. I know. It is so hard. So hard to admit because if I do then it is real, real in a way I would never wish for anyone.”

“He won’t do anything. We won’t let him. Frederick is about to be put in jail for a very long time. When that happens you’ll be safe. You’ll never hear from him again, okay?”

“Oui. Merci, mon ami.”

Alexander stared at Lafayette for a long moment before he sighed.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Jefferson has seen some of the messages. I did not tell him they repeated. Hercules saw George try to take me and stopped him. Washington knows all. Apart from that, no-one.”

“Of course Jefferson would know.” Alexander scoffed. Lafayette stared at him and Alexander sighed. “Yeah, yeah I know. Jefferson is better at keeping secrets than me.”

“He does have a better track record.”

“Whatever.” Alexander rolled his eyes. “I’m not gonna tell anyone but if anything happens tell me, okay?”

“D’accord, petit lion.”

“You know I hate that name.”

“Of course I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so first off I need to thank sensatehunters on tumblr who was kind enough to help me with Lafayette's French in this chapter. (Honestly they've been such a help and I'm remembering why I hated French so much as a kid)  
> Second off, I'm back! Thank you for all the kind messages that were left on the last chapter. I'm not going to delete it because I don't want to lose those messages. While I am back I will now only be updating two times a week on Wednesdays and Sundays because it was getting to be too much.  
> And thirdly, you should all go read Stupid Cupid because I'm actually really proud of it


	55. Ready To Face Whatever's Waiting For Me

Angelica stared at the calendar, biting her lip thoughtfully. It was the twentieth of February.

“Happy Birthday to me.” Angelica whispered to herself. She knew that her sisters were asleep just feet away but she couldn’t bring herself to wake them, not now. This was the day she was free. Her father could no longer claim anything over her, she could use her trust fund, she could adopt her siblings if she wanted.

The problem was that she didn’t.

She didn’t want to be the adult, to be the caring sister she had been for so long. She wanted to be a child all over again, a child with a loving father and an alive mother.

She didn’t know how to feel about being an adult. She didn’t want to leave, she never wanted to leave. In all her years at Yorktown it had become a home to her. She was used to the loud hallways, the shouts and screams of her sisters and the few others. She had become even more used to the people who lived there currently.

Angelica knew all of the people at Yorktown, sometimes she wondered if she knew them better than they knew themselves. She knew which ones were scared of shouting; Burr, John, Eliza, Lafayette and Jefferson although he’d never admit to that. She knew that Alexander was terrified of silence and tried to fill it at every second.

She saw how Washington viewed them all, a mix of sadness and pride. They all had terrible stories and horrible reasons why they were scared but Washington could also see where they were going and saw the difference, the highs and lows they all achieved.

It was more of a home than her family home had been, when it had rung through with drunken yells and her sobs of pain.

It was in Yorktown that her family had been reunited properly. With every passing day the three of them grew closer. Peggy didn’t fight back anymore when Angelica tried to protect her. Eliza did but for entirely different reasons.

Eliza didn’t trust Angelica.

That hurt. That hurt like hell. It hurt even more because Angelica knew she shouldn’t be trusted. Eliza wanted her to put her own safety in front of her sister’s and she would never do that. It was ingrained into her mind that she protected them. It was more important than anything else.

Which of course, brought about the problem of leaving. She didn’t want to leave her sisters, not when she had only just got them back.

Washington had assured her that he wouldn’t throw her out immediately, would let her stay at Yorktown until she could move to University. It was terrifying, looking out onto the life she was about to start and knowing that he wouldn’t be there.

When she’d first moved to Yorktown she hadn’t trusted him, had always been watching him if he was alone with Eliza or Peggy. It had taken a long time until she finally trusted him, it had taken until he had guided Eliza out of a panic attack while Angelica was deep in a flashback. Luckily Peggy had been at school so she hadn’t had any clue why her sisters had been so withdrawn.

As Angelica thought she heard a small whimper from behind her. She rose and walked over to Peggy’s bed. Peggy was obviously in the middle of a nightmare and Angelica gently shook her arm. Peggy shot up and stared around in confusion before she saw Angelica.

“Angie?”

“You were having a nightmare.”

“Oh.” Peggy relaxed but she didn’t stop watching Angelica.

“Want to talk about it?”

“I- I thought you left us.” Peggy admitted quietly. “I-” she began to twist the blanket in her hands. “I thought you left me.”

“I’d never do that, Pegs. I promise.”

“Yeah I- I know that now but…”

“It’s okay.” Angelica gently kissed the top of Peggy’s head. “Do you think you can get back to sleep now?”

There was a long moment of silence before Peggy spoke again.

“Can you tuck me in? I know that’s for babies but-”

“I can do it.” Angelica spoke over Peggy and smiled. Before the pamphlet Peggy wouldn’t have even imagined letting her do this. She pulled the blanket up to Peggy’s neck and let the other girl settle. “Sleep tight, okay?”

“Okay. And Angie?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For- for everything.”

 

Angelica heard a knock at her door. He sighed. It was probably Jefferson.

“Jefferson, I’m not-”

“It’s me, Angie.” Eliza’s voice came back and Angelica frowned.

“You live in this room, Eliza. Remember?”

“Yeah.” Eliza pushed the door open and sat down on her bed.

“Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. It’s Maria.” Eliza sighed and shook her head. “Some idiots tried to feel her up at school yesterday. She doesn’t wanna go to school cause she thinks it’ll happen again.”

“Shit. That’s terrible.”

“It keeps on happening. Ever since the stupid pamphlet came out. It’s so difficult cause she doesn’t- she knows she doesn’t like it but she doesn’t know why, she can’t explain that she owns her own body. I just wish there was something I could do.”

“You can’t take that on yourself, Liza.”

“Says you.” Eliza sighed and shook her head. “I want to help her but I can’t.”

“You can be there.”

“That’s not going to help her. It didn’t before.”

“Don’t think like that. She didn’t tell you.”

“I knew something was wrong and I didn’t do anything!”

“You suspected.”

“And it was right. I’m just- what would have happened if Alexander hadn’t posted that pamphlet? What would have happened if she just- just carried on? If she went into adult life thinking she was only good for sex?”

“She didn’t. She won’t. She won’t because we’re not going to let her. We’re not going to let people take advantage of her. Never again.”

“Can we really do that?” Eliza asked hesitantly. Angelica smiled.

“Yes. Of course we can.”

“I dunno.”

“Hey Liza, do you reckon Maria would be up to telling her story?”

“What?”

“The rumours, everything’s happening because of that pamphlet. What if we changed it?”

“We can’t. It’s the truth.”

“It’s not the whole truth. We can get Maria and explain it, properly explain it. If she wants to. If not, we can talk about the foster system or we can get other people to write about their experiences. We can do things, we’re not powerless.”

“We’re already helping her, aren’t we?”

“Yes but not with our words. We can help her more.”

“I- I’ll ask.”

“Thank you.” Angelica smiled. “We’re going to do this Liza. We’ll write our deliverance.”

 

Angelica opened James’ door, not even bothering to knock. James jumped slightly in his bed and turned to Angelica. She suddenly noticed that Jefferson was napping lightly in the seat next to James. The teen must be exhausted to not wake up, he normally snapped to attention.

“Come in?”

“Hey James. How long has he been here?” Angelica gestured to Jefferson as she spoke. James smiled softly as he looked at the teenager as well.

“Since you were last here. Honestly it’s kinda getting gross at this point. Lafayette comes in with clean clothes every so often but he hasn’t actually gone home.”

“He always did find that hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing much.” Angelica sighed as she stared at Jefferson. He looked small in his sleep, small and young. There was nothing of that sharp wit or the cold bitterness he’d grown, there was just the child who’d had to build walls to protect himself.

“He- this isn’t normal is it? He doesn’t do this for everyone, right?”

“He’d do it for most people in Yorktown.” Angelica took a seat across from Jefferson. “If he was at home he’d be terrified. It’s- it’s better for him to be here.”

“And the school’s okay with that?”

“Thomas Jefferson is a fucking genius with a criminal record, the school don’t get too mad as long as Washington knows he’s not in school.”

“Criminal record?”

“Long story.” Angelica shook his head. “Not mine to tell, either.”

“By the way I uh- I saw the date.” James frowned. “I- I only saw today so I’m sorry that I didn’t- I don’t have a present or-”

“Don’t be silly, it’s fine.”

“What did I get you?”

“What?”

“When I had the same memories I do now, what did I get you?”

“A pen. A lovely fountain pen I use almost every day.”

James smiled at that.

“I knew you’d like that one.”

“You remember picking it out?”

“No. I remember seeing it and knowing that your birthday was eleven months away and there was no point getting it.”

“Well you obviously got it.” Angelica sighed. “All I want is for you to get better, okay?”

“I’m trying.” James glanced at Jefferson and that same small smile slipped onto his face. “I don’t think I have much choice to do anything else.”

“Thomas is a bully sometimes but ignore him.”

“Again, difficult. Anyway, did you come here for a reason or just to see your favourite sibling?”

“Eliza still holds that spot and yeah I did actually.”

“Go on.” James sat up straighter and faced her as much as the numerous wires attached to him would allow.

“How much experience do you have with writing magazine articles?”

“Not much.”

“But you have some.”

“I guess. What’s this about?”

“You’re now head writer.”

“Wait, what?”

“You’re head writer.”

“Okay.” James frowned. “Of what?”

“A newspaper. A school newspaper.”

“The school got a newspaper?”

“Not… exactly?”

“Not exactly?” James smiled as his brow wrinkled in confusion. “What aren’t you saying?”

“I’ve talked to some teachers and I just need a few people. If I can get a head writer, a treasurer a vice president and two other writers then it’ll be fine.”

“Who are you thinking?”

“Eliza’s going to be my VP and Jefferson will be a writer. The rest will just fall into place.” James nodded and grinned animatedly but then paused. His face darkened and he looked away. Angelica frowned and leaned forwards. “What’s wrong?”

“Thomas should be the head writer. Not me.”

“What?”

“Angelica, I- I can’t write. I can’t read. I’m-” James sighed. “I can’t do that.” He looked defeated as he uttered the words he’d spent so many years fighting against. Angelica bit her lower lip and glanced at Jefferson. She noticed that he had one eye open and fixed on her, as if ordering her to fix what she’d just done. As James followed her gaze Jefferson closed the eye again.

“Bullshit.” Angelica spat out. James turned back to her and Jefferson watched them both.

“What?”

“Bullshit.”

“I know he’s a better writer, Angelica. I’m pretty sure he’s smarter than me and-” James gestured down at himself. “He could actually do the damn thing.”

“Don’t say that, James. There’s not a single fucking thing you can’t do, James. You’ve worked through disabilities and chronic illnesses like they’re nothing. So maybe your memory isn’t perfect anymore and so maybe you can’t write right now but that doesn’t matter. You need to give yourself time and space and you’re going to be fine.”

“Really?”

“Really. Your work got into a national magazine.”

“What?” James stared at Angelica in disbelief. She glanced at Jefferson who just nodded. She swallowed down the rage at Seabury once more.

“Yeah, you talked about representation in the media and you won the competition.”

“Wow.” James muttered to himself, amazed. Angelica smiled and nodded.

“Think about it like this, if you’re the head writer then no-one will touch you. No-one will take your work or get to be cruel to you because of what you’ve been through.”

“Yeah.” James smiled and nodded.

“Look, think around it. Tell me later, okay? I’m only here on my lunch break.”

“Okay. I- I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks, I might be able to pop in tomorrow.”

“Hey could you- could you take Thomas home, please?”

“What?”

“I know he’s awake.” James glanced at Jefferson who cracked open one eye again and grinned. “You breathe loudly.”

“Mean.” Jefferson muttered, stretching. His back cracked and Angelica winced. He scratched at his still slightly crooked nose and smiled. “Anyway, I don’t need to go back to Yorktown.”

“Yes you do. Go home, okay? Please?”

Jefferson stared at James for a long moment before nodding slowly.

“Okay.” Jefferson stood as Angelica did the same and walked to the door. He turned back and glanced at the bag still under his seat. He then looked back at James. “I’ll be back soon. I promise.”

“I know.” James smiled. “I’ve worked that out.”

 

When school ended, Angelica strode into the principal’s office. He stared at her in surprise as she sat down.

“Ms Schuyler?”

“I want to make a school newspaper.”

“Why?”

“I want to write about our stories.”

“Your stories?”

“The stories of the students. The politics in Washington and how it’s affecting people here. I want to make something that the entire student body can be proud of.”

“Well. You’ll need several people. You’ll need-”

“I talked to Mr Stevens and he told me what I needed. Look.” Angelica pushed a piece of paper across the desk. It listed each of the people and the jobs they’d need to complete.

“Most of these people are from Yorktown.”

“That’s just the starting line-up. As soon as I get more people then they’ll be accepted as well.”

“So there won’t be any bias?”

“No sir. I’ll work hard to make sure there won’t be any.”

“Well,” the man stared down at the list and nodded. “I’ll think about it. You’ll hear back in about a week.”

“Thank you sir.”

Angelica stood and strode out of the room, grinning. She knew he couldn’t say no to her. She was going to have the chance to write their stories, to share them with everyone. The real stories.

 

As Angelica stepped back into Yorktown she let out a long sigh. It had been a long day and she was exhausted. She half contemplated just going to her room to nap. Then she noticed John waiting in the hallway.

“John? What are you doing out here?”

John shoved his phone back in his pocket and stared at her guiltily.

“I uh- I got a text from someone back- back there.”

“In South Carolina?”

“Yeah.” John glanced behind him into the living room. Angelica frowned.

“Who was it?”

“Just an- an old friend.”

“What did they say?”

“Um. So maybe technically a girlfriend. A girlfriend I slept with and then immmediatly left and never talked to again in the hopes she’d magically realise I was gay?” John bit his lip and watched for Angelica’s reaction. She stared at him for several long seconds before she extended her hand.

“Give me your phone, I’ll tell her something.”

“Wh-what?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes!” John thrust the phone into Angelica’s hands. As Angelica ducked her head to type out a text John knocked out some kind of rhythm on the door. She smiled as she heard a faint rhythm back.

**From: J Laurens**

**I’m sorry but I’m not interested in you. It was great while it lasted but I’ve moved on and you need to**

“How long ago did you break up with her?”

“Uh, since I moved here. Maybe nine, ten months?”

“Wow she needs to move on.” Angelica muttered to herself. “Does she know you’re gay?”

“I’ve been meaning to tell her but I just- I just never knew how.”

Angelica nodded and deleted the message she’d nearly sent, instead replacing it with just a single line of text.

**From: J Laurens**

**I’m gay. No hard feelings?**

“Try that.” Angelica handed the phone back and John read over it before nodding and pressing send.

“You- uh- you coming in here?” John inclined his head to the door behind him and Angelica nodded with a smile.

“I’m guessing I’m meant to be surprised about the surprise party?”

“Shit. Was I really that obvious?”

“Yep.” Angelica passed John and opened the door. She watched as her family popped up, shouting. She felt something warm in her chest at just how fucking happy they were in that moment. It would pass but she wouldn’t ever let this memory fade.


	56. If You Stand For Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So several comments on the last chapter were talking about how it was the calm before the storm or how they're bracing themselves for whatever terrible thing is about to happen and honestly? I am... so shocked! How could you think something bad would happen? Don't you trust me to put up nice fluffy content?  
> Anyway, here's this chapter

The letters occupied Yorktown for the rest of the week. Everyone had known that the trial was coming up, had known how close it was. No-one had talked about it. No-one had acknowledged how difficult it was going to be on Yorktown as a whole.

It didn’t affect Burr much, he hadn’t known enough to be called as a witness, but he could still feel the tension. Something was going to happen and it put him on edge. James and Jefferson were still spending most of their time at the hospital and Burr wasn’t even sure Jefferson had been told about the letter.

Burr was amazed when he realised that his voice hadn’t disappeared, just upped and vanished in the moment he felt all of those negative emotions, emotions that were likely to make people lash out, appear. His voice stayed strong.

When he stepped off the bus he was immediately engulfed in a hug. He squeaked in surprise before Theo pulled back, grinning broadly.

“Hey Theo.”

“Hey Aaron.” Theodosia was grinning widely and Burr felt something in his heart tug. He couldn’t explain it, not really. All he knew was that he never wanted her to stop smiling.

“What’s that?” Burr pointed to an odd lump in Theo’s bag.

“Look, I know this is weird but,” Theodosia shifted slightly before reaching into her bag. She pulled out a small, soft dog. She passed it to Burr, “it’s an early birthday present. O-or a late Christmas present. Uh, it’s just kind of a present to be honest.”

“What?” Burr frowned as he noticed the dog had a collar. “Theodosia Jr?”

“It’s like me. It’s- it’s for the days you can’t talk. I know it was bullshit when you said it was just your voice.”

“My voice _is_ broken.”

“Not all the time.” Burr didn’t say anything and Theodosia pressed on. “You can still talk to me on those days so that’s what Theodosia Jr is for. When you feel like that, talk to her. Talk to her as if she’s me. I dunno if it’ll work but I figured,” Theodosia pulled back her hair from where it had fallen into her eyes, Burr followed the movement, “if anything can help it’s gotta be worth it.”

Burr stared at her for several long moments before he glanced down at the dog. He didn’t remember the last time someone had done something like that for him, probably not since his real family. None of his foster homes cared enough about him to give him anything and most of the people at Yorktown didn’t even talk to him.

“Aaron? Are you okay?”

“I think I love you.” Burr choked out. Theodosia half smiled at that.

“I like you too.”

Before Burr could think about it he closed the distance between them. He gently pressed his lips against Theodosia, kissing her deeply. After a moment he pulled back, staring at her in horror. She was staring back in surprise.

“Aaron, I-”

“I’m so sorry.” Aaron blurted out before he turned on his heels and ran. He heard someone yelling for him but that made him run faster. He couldn’t let himself be caught, not now.

He heard a shout and he flinched. It caused him to stumble and fall to the ground. His chin hit the floor hard and he felt blood begin to drip down but he leapt to his feet again and ran.

Burr didn’t stop (couldn’t stop, not now, not yet, not when he was still there, had to keep running) until he found himself in the park. He raced to one of the taller trees and grabbed the lowest branch. He pulled himself up quickly until he was in amongst the leaves, hidden from anyone who wanted to find him.

It was there that he allowed himself to curl into himself, ready for his punishment.

“You don’t get to kiss her.” Burr whispered. That was punishment, to think that he was worth anything, that he deserved someone caring about him. Friends weren’t allowed, he just hurt them.

Burr knew on an intellectual level that the only reason that had been a rule was to disguise the bruises that blossomed like flowers in the spring. He knew, intellectually, that he was free, that he wasn’t going to be beaten.

There was no room for intellect in his headspace.

All he could do was dig his nails into his palm as he prepared for a beating he was terrified of, yet knew he deserved.

It took him hours to calm down enough to leave the tree. His heart was in his throat as he set foot onto solid ground again. No-one could ever reach him up high, they were normally far too drunk to even try.

When he did touch the ground he took stock of himself. His bag was still on his back. His trousers were torn at the knee and there was blood from where he’d hit the ground. He raised a hand to his chin and winced at the pain from the simple touch. His hands had somehow escaped being bloodied, only scraped.

It took Burr until he was halfway back to Yorktown to realise he didn’t have Theodosia Jr.

It took Burr until he was halfway back to Yorktown to break down into tears again.

 

When Burr walked into Yorktown he was so fucking glad of his invisibility. No-one looked twice at him. Even though he knew his voice was thick with tears no-one else spotted it. No-one spotted the way his hands were trembling or how he was on the verge of another panic attack. Maybe Angelica or Jefferson would have spotted it but they weren’t there, far too busy with James.

Burr walked up the stairs and sat at his desk chair.

Now was the time for intelligence. Now was the time for Burr to pick up his phone and apologise to Theodosia for running, to explain it all.

He could explain it all and she’d listen. He could talk about how scared he was when people paid attention to him, how he knew that he wasn’t a major player in any story, he was a background character at best.

At worst he was the villain.

Burr thought he might be the villain a lot.

He pulled out his phone and sighed as he saw the long list of texts from Theodosia. He stared at them for a moment before opening them, as if it was some kind of self-flagellation.

**From: Theo**

**Are you okay?**

**From: Theo**

**Aaron, are you safe?**

**From: Theo**

**Please respond**

**From: Theo**

**We need to talk but rn I just need to know you’re okay. Please.**

Burr was cut off from reading the next message as someone knocked on his door.

“Come in.” Alexander shuffled into the room with a visible black eye. Burr frowned at that but said nothing. “Hello Alexander.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Theodosia came over here earlier. She wanted to see you and then got really upset when you weren’t here. I told her that it was fine but then you still weren’t here. So,” Alexander sat down on Burr’s bed, “what happened?”

“Nothing to be worried about.”

“And if I am?”

“Then you don’t need to be.”

“If I wanna be?”

Burr paused at that. Alexander looked genuine, as if he really cared. Alexander stared right back.

“I-”

“Theodosia sounded really scared, Aaron. I don’t know what happened but I know she doesn’t get scared very easily. I don’t know what happened but I do know it will have hurt you. Let me help.”

“Everything is fine.”

“Well that’s bullshit. We both know that. So, let me ask again, what happened?”

“Alexander-”

“No! Just tell me what’s wrong! I know you have some kind of obsession about not talking but that’s not gonna change a damn thing.”

“And talking will?” Burr snapped back. Alexander frowned at that.

“At least it’ll do something.”

“Like the pamphlet?”

Alexander glanced away at that.

“It did something.”

“You- you’re an idiot.”

“So are you! You won’t tell me what’s wrong when I could help you! Why won’t anyone let me help!”

“Shut up, Alexander.”

“No, that’s your job remember? To shut up and never voice a single opinion! When was the last time you took an actual stance on anything? With everything that’s going on you’ve done nothing! You haven’t stood up for anything!”

“I stood up for you and you’d do well to remember that.” Burr hissed out. Alexander stood and Burr did the same. “Just because I don’t leap into action doesn’t mean I don’t do anything!”

“But you don’t do anything!”

“I- I’m waiting.”

“For what? Maybe it helped you before but it’s just going to hurt you now! It’s what happened with Theodosia isn’t it?”

“Don’t.”

“No! I’m just about the closest friend you have here and I don’t know a damn thing about you! I- I know that your family is dead but I don’t know how they died. I don’t know what you were like before that or even after that! I don’t know you!”

“It’s for the best.”

“Why?”

“For when you leave.” Burr hadn’t meant to say that and Alexander knew that. Alexander slowly sat back down.

“You’re safe in Yorktown. You kept on trying to convince me of that. Why don’t you believe it anymore?”

“It was a slip of the tongue.”

“You don’t make those. You think through your words so many fucking times you don’t even say most of it!”

“Alexander-”

“When was the first time someone hit you for talking?”

Burr didn’t meet Alexander’s eyes. Alexander nodded slowly and sighed, as if a personal theory had just been verified.

“First foster home? Second? Third?”

“Fifth.” Burr muttered. Alexander nodded and sighed.

“How long until you got out?”

“A week or two.”

“When he hit you again?”

“Yeah. He choked me. Nearly passed out. Got worse from then. Pissed people off and got hit for it. Took me a while to figure it all out.”

“Figure what out?”

“That no-one cares what we say. We don’t get a say when we’re traded away. We just need to hold our nose and close our eyes. We can dream of a brand new start but we dream in the dark. We don’t get happy endings, Alexander.”

“Does anyone?”

“We don’t deserve happy endings.”

“What?”

“Look at me, Alexander, none of my foster or adoptive parents wanted me. Or you for that matter. The ones who stuck around wanted us for money or for a punching bag or- or something else. No-one wants us, Alexander. No-one ever will.”

“Bullshit.” Alexander spat out. Burr just shrugged. “Which one of your foster parents taught you that?”

“The last one I guess.” Burr sighed.

“When did he first hit you?”

“The day I arrived. He told me no-one cared enough about me to save me. I figured I could just tough it out. Then I guess he- he just wore me down. He pointed out how stupid I was for trying to do anything. Then it was just-” Burr shrugged. He was so tired, so tired of holding back every word.

“Everything got worse.”

“He didn’t stop. He beat me, starved me, whatever. As long as it hurt me, he did it.”

“You didn’t deserve that.”

Burr shrugged.

“It was easier. When he was hitting me it was easier to just- to just not think about it. To- I thought about how I’d stop it next time. Or how I was going to hide it. Just nothing in that moment when he’d found me.”

“What excuse did he use? To explain why he was doing it.”

“I was a noisy little fucker as a kid.” Burr smiled faintly at Alexander’s surprise. “Difficult to imagine, I know. That’s why he did it. Took me a while but I figured it out. Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what they can hit you for. Talk less. Smile more.”

“Fuck.” Alexander whispered. “I wish I could punch him.”

“That wouldn’t help.” Burr chuckled softly and Alexander sighed.

“What happened with Theodosia?”

“I kissed her.”

“Oh! She’s the one you’ve been crushing on!”

“Yes. She is. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Why not?”

“We don’t get happy endings. We- _I’m_ broken, Alexander. I’m broken and I can’t break her as well. I’d rather die.” Alexander stared at Burr for a long moment before he jumped at him and pulled him into a hug. He held Burr tight.

“You’re never broken.” Alexander half whispered. “Those fuckers are broken for trying to hurt you. None of us are broken because fuck that, okay?” Alexander pulled back. “I don’t care what they’ve told you, Aaron, you’re not fucking broken. We were kids when they tried to hurt us. We’re still kids!”

“Alex-”

“No! We _do_ deserve happy endings! We _do_ deserve happiness! Just because some fuckers decided to hurt us because they could doesn’t mean they should have had the opportunity.”

“Hamilton-”

“There are so many things that will try to stop us from being happy, Aaron. Do you really want to be one of them? Do you really want to tell yourself that you’re no allowed to be happy?”

“No.”

“Then stop it! Stop telling yourself that you don’t deserve happiness!”

“Alexander-”

“What? What’s stopping you from being happy now? No-one is hitting you here. If they do, then you can hit them back. I’ll hit them back, Thomas fucking Jefferson will! You’re not alone here. That’s what you’ve been telling me from day one! You are safe here!” Alexander enunciated each word carefully.

“It’s difficult.” Burr sighed. “It’s difficult, okay?”

“Okay.” Alexander nodded. “I get that. You’ve just gotta try, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Also, you have to talk to Theodosia. She was really freaking out.”

“Okay.” Burr pulled his phone out and took a deep breath.

**To: Theo**

**I’m okay**

**To: Theo**

**I shouldn’t have done that and I’m very sorry.**

The response was almost immediate.

**From: Theo**

**It’s fine Aaron. I just needed to know you were okay.**

**From: Theo**

**I got Theodosia Jr. Can we meet up before school on Monday? I wanna talk about what happened**

Burr stared at the text and took in a deep breath. He knew that had been coming. She had to want to know about what he’d done. He guessed that it just gave him the weekend to work out what the hell he was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been working on Hamilwings (my Hamilton wing/ magic fic) and honestly it's giving me life because there's some HamBurr in it (a ship I do not write enough of) and they are adorable. Well... maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration... there's some cute moments with them at least


	57. With Only The Memory Of When You Were Mine

James woke slowly. It felt like there was still some of the sludge in his brain left over from the anaesthetic. He spent most of his time asleep and the time he wasn’t asleep wanting to sleep. It was annoying. James yawned and sat up. His neck ached and he rubbed at his eyes.

He looked over to the chair where Jefferson was curled up. James smiled gently at that. Jefferson had managed to wheedle the nurses to let him stay very early in James’ stay at the hospital. James glanced onto the floor beneath Jefferson and scowled as he saw the bag. Why the hell did he need that bag here?

“James?” Jefferson mumbled. He was staring muzzily at James who nodded. “Hey.” Jefferson yawned and forced himself up a bit. He was obviously fighting against falling asleep again and James scoffed.

“That’s just about the slowest I’ve ever seen you get up.” Jefferson normally fought with everything he had against falling asleep and woke quickly. James had asked several times in the past but Jefferson had always been slow with his responses, the most simplistic that James had found was that he was scared, scared that one day he’d wake up and his world would have changed without him noticing.

It had happened too many times for him to risk it.

“Well sorry, princess for not jumping to attention.” Jefferson yawned again.

“You could go home.”

“Too much effort.”

“And lugging that bag back and forth isn’t?”

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s not complicated, Jefferson,” James was beginning to lose his patience, “you’re carrying around a bag to up and leave. And it’s got a goddamn knife in it! I don’t- what?” Jefferson was staring at James oddly.

“How did you know what it was for?”

“Because you told me. In the taxi.”

Jefferson continued to stare at James as the words sunk in.

“You- you remember that?”

“Yeah I guess.” James frowned. “I think I remember all of it.”

“You- you remember me?” Jefferson’s voice was soft and James could tell how much he was fighting to keep his emotions in check.

“Yeah. I- yeah. You’re my brother.” James smiled at Jefferson who offered a shaky smile back before collapsing into tears. James stared at him for a moment before he slipped off the bed. “Are you okay?”

“I was so fucking scared.” Jefferson whispered between sobs. “That you were go-gone because of me.”

“Come on, no.” James crouched in front of Jefferson, not knowing what to say. “It was- it was an illness, Jefferson. It wasn’t you.”

“I prayed just before you collapsed. I- I prayed that I cou-could be happy. I didn’t as-ask for you and I-I-”

James could tell that Jefferson was reaching a nonsensical level and so instead of trying to talk it out, he just pulled Jefferson into a hug. Jefferson resisted for a moment before he flung his arms around James as well. James could feel the shoulder of his hospital robe getting wet but he didn’t care.

“It’s okay, Thomas. I’m still here.”

Jefferson continued to sob as James whispered comforts. Eventually his heaving sobs dropped away to nothing. James continued to hold him for several more moments until Jefferson pulled back. He stared at James with red rimmed eyes. His chin was still wobbling, threatening to make him collapse all over again.

“I- I’m so fucking glad you’re back.” Jefferson whispered. James nodded.

“I’m glad I’m back as well.”

Jefferson reached up to brush away his tears and James frowned. He shot a hand out and grabbed Jefferson’s arm. Jefferson yelped in surprise but forced himself to keep the arm still. James uncurled Jefferson’s hand and trailed a light finger over the bruises.

“James-”

“When did you do it?”

“When they told us you needed surgery that day. When it was- when it was all real.”

“And when did you start to make them worse?” James’ voice was still soft but Jefferson couldn’t meet his eyes. “Thomas?”

“The time you saw me do it. When they said your recovery is- it’s gonna be a long time James. Christ, I didn’t-” Jefferson rubbed his eyes. “This shouldn’t have happened to you, James. It-”

“Why did you do it to yourself?”

“Because-” Jefferson didn’t want to say it out loud. James continued to stare at him and Jefferson sighed. “Because I deserve it. I didn’t protect you.”

“That’s bullshit, Thomas.”

“I just-” Jefferson shook his head. “This shouldn’t’ve happened to you, James.”

“But it did.” James scowled at Jefferson who had the decency of looking ashamed. “It doesn’t mean you get to start hurting yourself over me.”

“Sorry.” Jefferson looked down and James sighed.

“I’m not- I’m not telling you off, Thomas. This was dumb. You need to-”

“I couldn’t stop wondering what would happen if you died.” Jefferson half whispered. “I thought that it- it would all be fine. That you’d pulled through worse. Then you woke up and it just wasn’t you. I couldn’t hate him but it- he wasn’t you.” Jefferson began to cry again and he wiped them away. “I couldn’t-”

“What- what would you have done?”

“What?”

“If I didn’t come back?” James asked the question softly. Jefferson sighed and shrugged.

“I- I don’t- I don’t know. Maybe- maybe tried harder to look after myself?”

“Don’t lie to me. Just- I’m not going to be mad or something.”

“I know. I just-” Jefferson let out a deep sigh. “I think I would have fallen apart. If- if you didn’t come back and if- if I knew you wouldn’t. I’d know that everything I- what I tried- what I fought for was just- it would be gone. And I’d be gone because I don’t- I can’t-”

“Hey,” James pulled Jefferson close again as Jefferson began to break down. “It’s okay.”

“What if it hadn’t been?”

“Well it-it will be now, Thomas. I remember everything.” James pulled back and sat on the bed. “Look, this is going to be hell but we’ll get through it. We will. I need you, Thomas. I’m so sorry but I do. I need you.”

“I’ll be here.” Jefferson sniffed and wiped away his tears. “I promised that a long time ago.”

 

Over the next hour James almost forgot that he was in a hospital, that he was recovering from a brain injury. Jefferson kept on talking about anything. He spent most of the hour on some ridiculous story from his second foster home. James wasn’t quite sure if it was true but it didn’t really matter.

Washington walked into the room at noon. Jefferson stood and watched him carefully.

“Sir.” Jefferson nodded to Washington and James frowned. Jefferson wasn’t normally that obvious in showing his distrust of people.

“Hello Thomas, James. Are you feeling any better, son?” Washington took the seat across from Jefferson who also slowly sunk back down.

“My memories are back.” James grinned at the sheer relief that came over Washington’s face.

“That’s great, James.” Washington sighed, a smile sneaking its way across his face. He was normally impartial on almost everything, keeping a straight face as much as he could. “You had us worried for a moment.”

“If George Washington was worried then it was worse than I thought.” James smiled easily at Washington who returned the expression.

“Thomas,” Washington handed Jefferson a letter which Jefferson frowned at, “a letter arrived for you a few days ago. If you had come back to Yorktown-”

“How many nights have you spent at the hospital?” James half scolded. Jefferson’s gaze flicked up to him and he grinned.

“Some.”

“Some?”

“Most of them.” Jefferson admitted. “It was easier to stay here.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Love you too, darling.” Jefferson opened the letter and froze. His expression didn’t change in any way but that showed James just how bad it was. Jefferson was keeping his face blank on purpose.

“What is it?”

“A letter.” Jefferson put the letter back into the envelope and let it rest on his knee.

“I’d noticed that.”

“Thomas, I’d suggest you don’t keep this secret.”

“Well that doesn’t give me much choice, does it?” Jefferson’s tone was icy as he stared at Washington. He then sighed and turned back to James with a much softer tone.

“The summons to court. For Reynolds’ trial. Figured it would only be a matter of time.”

“When does the trial start?”

“A week and a half. Surprised it took them this long.” Jefferson stretched and moved so he was sitting in the chair normally. “The American judiciary service at its finest.”

“How long will the trial take?”

“It depends on what the lawyers pull forward.” Washington sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It might be a matter of days or they may stretch it out into a month or two.”

“He doesn’t gain anything from delaying it.” Jefferson butted in.

“He does if he wants to gamble with George Frederick.” James muttered. He noticed the other two were staring at him. “If Frederick is convicted then Reynolds has no hope. Frederick knows everything was done through Reynolds and even if nothing else can be proved it’s one case of forced prostitution. If Frederick got off then Reynolds would still need to defend everything else.”

“Would they let either of them take a plea at this point?” Jefferson asked Washington who just shrugged.

“They might. From what I understand there was no more evidence at Frederick’s house of other such instances.” James noticed how Washington’s nails curled into the bottom of the armrest as he referred so calmly to the hell Hercules had gone through. “If Frederick talks about Reynolds’ operation then he might have a reduced sentence. Or he might go down as an accomplice. It depends on what evidence the courts have.”

“And I’ll have to add to that evidence.”

“Yes, son. They have also called in Maria, Hercules, Lafayette, Eliza and Alexander. You won’t be the only one to give evidence.”

“Sounds like everything’s going wrong right now.” James smiled as he spoke and Jefferson chuckled.

“Since when was it not?”

“James, it is important that you don’t concentrate too much on this. It is going to be a difficult recovery and that is what you have to focus on.”

“Yeah.” James sighed. “Just would’ve- I guess it would’ve been nice to try and help.”

“Thomas, would you please go get food for us.” Washington’s voice was soft but Jefferson recognised the order. He looked between Washington and James.

“Sir-”

“Now, please, Thomas.”

Jefferson rose slowly and nodded. He glanced back at James in the doorway. James smiled and Jefferson reluctantly walked away.

“Why did you send him out?” James asked softly. Washington sighed.

“This trial is going to affect him, James. It will affect him a lot. In those times it may not be possible for him to look after you.”

“I’m not paralysed. I will be able to look after myself.”

“You were still showing signs of absent-mindedness. That’s not a problem in a hospital but it is if you try and cook something. Your balance isn’t correct yet and your reading writing comprehension essentially does not exist. You need time for your body to heal but in that time you won’t be able to operate on your own.”

“What are you suggesting?” James asked softly. He knew what Washington was saying. He knew that if he couldn’t cope on his own in Yorktown then he wouldn’t stay at Yorktown. Yorktown was his home, with the stupid stairs that had fourteen steps that he knew because there had been so many days he had to count each one out a hundred times in his head as he struggled up them. Yorktown, with the dent in his wall from where he’d tripped in the night and braced himself against it with a leg that didn’t exist. Yorktown was his home.

“I’m suggesting that we get you some extra help.”

“Extra help? This is why you wanted Thomas to leave. You’re trying to-” James paused as he realised he didn’t even want to say it.

“James, this is not-”

“Tell me.”

“We are not qualified to look after someone recovery from brain surgery.”

“So you’re kicking me out?”

“James-”

“No!” James felt anger rise in him as he imagined leaving Yorktown, leaving Jefferson. “You don’t get to do this! I don’t care about being qualified! I- I can-” James searched for an answer and didn’t find one. He slumped back against the pillows, already nearly exhausted.

“I’m trying to find different options, James. You have to understand that. You need help that I am not qualified to give.”

“What are you looking into now?”

“A nursing home.”

“Fucking hell.” James took in a shuddering breath. “A- what?”

“It’s for teenagers and children. People who can’t cope in their own homes. You’d stay there for a few months until you’ve recovered.”

“Then what? I- I’m still going to be-”

“After a short recovery time you’ll come home.”

“How?” James asked nimbly. “If it’s- if it’s that bad then how-” James shook his head.

“It is just a time based problem. When you’re better then everything will go back to normal.”

“Just- just like that? Just-” James took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. “I’ll just go back to normal after skipping months of school? Of missing my friends? Of not living in my own ho- in Yorktown?”

“I’m trying to find other options but this might be the best one.”

“I don’t want it.”

“James-”

“No. I don’t want it. I don’t want to leave Yorktown. That is the closest thing I have to a home! It has been since I was a kid! I am not leaving it!”

“Very well.” Washington stood and sighed. “I need to go. I’ll try to find something James. You have to understand, I don’t want you to have to leave Yorktown.”

“Thank you.” James muttered, staring down. Washington sighed before he slowly nodded and stepped forwards.

“Get better son.” Washington put a hand on James’ shoulder before turning to leave.

When the door closed James collapsed backwards. He couldn’t believe that Washington had suggested that, had suggested that James should give up everything just because he was sick. That was what James had fought against for as long as he could remember. He had to prove to whoever was listening that he was more than his illness’, he was more than an amputee. He was smart in his own right and he was strong enough to overcome all of it.

To be put in a nursing home eliminated all of that. The mere thought of it made James shudder, relying completely on people to look after him, to not even be able to make food for himself. He hated the thought and didn’t dare let fear creep into his thoughts; the fear that it would happen or the fear that it was the right choice.

Instead he grabbed for his phone.

**To: Thomas**

**Washington’s gone**

**From: Thomas**

**What food do you want?**

**To: Thomas**

**Don’t mind**

**From: Thomas**

**Dull**

James scoffed at that. Of course Jefferson would think that. The boy had an opinion on everything, from the sensible to the ridiculous.

**From: Thomas**

**I’m getting you mac and cheese**

**To: Thomas**

**Do you have to?**

**From: Thomas**

**:)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is a bit late because I was at my first convention RTX UK over the weekend (I never knew how much I needed sleep) it was great fun but I foolishly thought I'd have time to edit when I got back which I did not at all.  
> I also found this chapter a bit difficult to edit because as I was editing this I was also writing something that has Jefferson waking up in a hospital bed to James and Lafayette being there but with totally different scenarios so it was all just messing with my head


	58. What'll You Fall For?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what still makes me so fucking mad? The fact that in the end we do know what Burr falls for, we get told what he falls for. He falls for love. He falls from grace because he shoots Hamilton for Theodosia Jr, that's his last thought before he kills who used to be his best friend. He stands for love all the way back in act one when he decides to pursue Theodosia despite what it'll do to his reputation. He makes a lot of the choices in Act 2 so he can build the strong foundation for his daughter. He stands over and over again for love and it's not enough because both Theodosias will still die in his lifetime. He then stands in New Jersey and kills Hamilton for his daughter. In the end Aaron Burr falls for love.

When Monday rolled around, Burr wanted to curl up in bed and never leave the warmth security again. If he just stayed there then he’d never have to admit to the shit show he’d made of his friendship with Theodosia.

He knew he didn’t deserve Theo, could never hope to deserve her. Goddamn he wanted her though. He wanted her to be there and to be there for her. He wanted to kiss her and hold her and just be there on the worst days and the best days. He didn’t understand it fully but he wanted to learn with her.

It made the ride into school even more difficult, knowing that their relationship was about to break apart forever just because Burr had been too greedy.

“Are you okay?” Alexander asked softly. Burr jumped sharply before he snapped his head to Alexander before he shrugged. His hands played nervously in his lap, a nervous tic he was sure he’d got under control a few years ago. He saw Alexander glance down at his hands and he forced himself to stop. Alexander still had the black eye which he’d eventually explained to Burr in muttered tones. Burr still couldn’t figure out if he was meant to do something to Jefferson because of it.

“Aaron?” Alexander muttered. Burr glanced up and smiled shakily. He opened his mouth but there were no words. He closed it and exhaled a long shaky breath instead. Alexander glanced around before he started to talk. “Do you have your whiteboard now?”

“N-” Burr shook his head and stared down into his lap. He could feel his breath beginning to speed up.

“It’s okay.” Alexander said softly, placing a hand on Burr’s shaking ones. Burr took in a shaking breath. Alexander glanced around and bit down on his lip nervously. He pulled one of the headphones out of his ear and held it out to Burr.

Burr stared at it, barely seeing it. Alexander paused for a second before he gently eased it into Burr’s ear. Burr winced at the volume and Alexander immediately began to turn it down. Alexander flicked through the tracks before he got to a seemingly acceptable one.

As the first chord struck Burr felt himself pause and it forced him to concentrate. He couldn’t make out the words, too busy trying to remember how to breathe like a normal person. As the song continued it lost the easy beat and began to devolve into more noise. As it did, Burr felt himself calming.

When the song was over, Burr passed the earphone back to Alexander. He went to sign his thanks before he paused, as he remembered Alexander didn’t know ASL. Instead he reached into his bag and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen.

**Thanks**

“No problem.” Alexander muttered back, sticking the headphone back into his ear. Burr forced himself to take in another deep breath.

**What was that?**

“A song. Duh.” Alexander smiled and Burr felt some of the tightness in his chest relax as he saw it. Alexander was there and as long as he was Burr knew he had someone. “Is this about Theodosia?”

Burr nodded and Alexander sighed. He glanced out of the window before replying. If Burr didn’t know better he would almost say that Alexander was thinking before he spoke.

“She won’t hate you. It might be awkward but- I don’t think she’ll hate you.”

**What experience do you have?**

“Not much, to be fair. The first guy I ever kissed I never saw again. It just- Theodosia’s great, you know that. She likes you.”

Burr looked down into his lap again and nodded slowly. He didn’t want to voice his thoughts. What if she didn’t like him enough? What if she saw him for who, or rather what, he really was?

“How about this, if Theodosia is cruel then I promise you can punch me.”

Burr looked at Alexander in confusion at that but Alexander was smiling.

**What?**

“Look, Jefferson took a swing, why not everyone else?” Burr didn’t know what to say for a long moment. Alexander kept his gaze before he finally looked away and took a deep breath. “All- all I’m saying is that I- I know this is gonna be alright. You two are great for each other.”

Burr nodded slowly. He wanted to push, to ask Alexander just what was going through his mind. He didn’t. That was beginning to become the recurring theme in his life, not pushing, not going for anything.

He suddenly found he couldn’t meet Alexander’s eyes.

 

When they finally arrived, Theodosia was waiting for him. Burr stared at her for a long moment before he walked over to her.

She pressed Theodosia Jr. into his hands and he nodded.

“Can you talk today?” She asked softly. Burr opened his mouth and found his words were gone. He shook his head. “We need to talk about this Aaron.” Burr shook his head and Theo sighed. “Please.” Burr sighed and took out a notepad and pen.

**I’m sorry**

“Aaron you don’t-” Theo sighed. “I just need to know why.”

**It was a mistake. I’m so sorry.**

Theo sighed at that and just stared up at Burr for several long moments. Burr looked away but then he felt Theo’s hand on his chin. He tensed in fear but then froze as Theo kissed him gently. She pulled back and chuckled slightly at his frozen face.

“I don’t want it to have been a mistake.” Theodosia admitted quietly. Burr smiled at her and bent down to kiss her again. It felt right in a way he couldn’t hope to explain.

 

Burr sat at the back of the bus going back to Yorktown and Lafayette slumped into the seat next to him. Burr watched them warily.

“Salut mon ami.” Lafayette grumbled out. Burr smiled back. “A bad day?”

“Yes.”

“I am sad to hear that.” Lafayette took out his phone and took in a deep breath. Burr stared at the screen but couldn’t make it out. Lafayette looked next to tears over it as the phone continued to buzz.

“What is it?”

“Um it- it is simply- Hercules is not feeling good today. He has stayed home and has not responded.”

“It is normal for him to be worried about this.”

“He does not confide in me, he does not confide in Maria, who does he have to confide in?”

“If he doesn’t feel comfortable with sharing it might be better to not push him.”

“I know but it is hard to accept that mon amour is unhappy and I could change it but he does not allow me to.”

“Maybe he just needs you to be there.”

“Oui.” Lafayette fell silent for a moment before they sighed. “Have you seen mon amour’s eating habits?”

“I think so.”

“He is not eating Burr! Nothing will make him eat!”

“Have you considered,” Burr paused to make sure he chose the right words, “that it brings back memories?”

“Memories?”

“Memories of what Reynolds did to him.”

“You mean…” Lafayette trailed off, suddenly looking sick. They shuddered before they turned back to Burr. “Why would that be the case? Would they have…”

“It went on for a long time, Lafayette. I’m not an expert on this but I imagine they did almost everything.”

“Merde.” Lafayette spat out. “Je tuerai ces bâtards.”

“Calm down Laf.” Burr placed a gentle hand on their arm. “Do you think getting angry will help Hercules?”

“No but it will help me.” Lafayette snapped back. Burr flinched and Lafayette paused. “Mon ami, what is wrong?”

“Nothing, Lafayette. You startled me.” Burr pulled his hand back from Lafayette’s arm and placed it into his lap.

“I did not mean to cause alarm. Are you sure you are alright?”

“I’m fine, thank you. I didn’t ask this morning, what are your pro-nouns?” Burr knew it was a low blow, a harsh blow. Lafayette wouldn’t be able to pursue Burr’s reaction if Burr brought him onto something more important. However, as Lafayette was only tentatively out to the public they wouldn’t want to talk for too long on their pro-nouns.

“They or them. I- I think.”

“Do you always feel like you’re outside the binary?”

“Non. It is confusing.” Lafayette shifted uncomfortably. “I feel like a man, I feel like a woman and most of the time I feel like me. It is just Lafayette, no gender and nothing holding me back. I am who I am and who I am is Lafayette.”

“Have you looked at labels?”

“Non. Not yet. I shall but the time is not good for now. I shall have time later.”

“So you feel male sometimes, female at other times and sometimes just neither?”

“Oui.” Lafayette muttered. Burr frowned before pulling out his phone. He flicked to the internet and scanned a few pages before he showed the phone to Lafayette.

“You might want to read it.”

“What is it?” Lafayette took the phone and slowly read the page. “Gender fluid?”

“Yes. It’s a gender identity where the person’s gender changes. Sometimes they feel male, sometimes they feel female and sometimes they feel neither or both.”

Lafayette stared down at the phone and continued to scroll. Burr watched him carefully. After several long minutes Lafayette handed the phone back to Burr and stared straight ahead.

“Merde.” Lafayette whispered. “That is me.”

“What?”

“Gender fluid, that is me. I-” Lafayette grinned as they turned back to Burr. “Merci beaucoup mon frère!” Lafayette flung themselves forwards into Burr. Burr yelped slightly but forced himself to relax in Lafayette’s arms. “Merci.” Lafayette whispered. “Thank you.”

Burr hesitated for a long moment before he snaked an arm around Lafayette and hugged him back. Burr let his eyes slide shut for a moment and he could almost imagine it was his brother.

When Lafayette pulled back the spell was broken but Burr knew that it didn’t matter. Lafayette was grinning ear to ear and the occasional buzzes from his phone didn’t stop that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey... I wonder who could possibly be texting Laf...


	59. Suddenly I Don't Have The Means To Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS FIC HAS ARTWORK!!! I've put the link in the end notes so you can go check it out afterwards. (You really should. It's gr8.)

In the week leading up to the trial Hercules didn’t eat. When he could force himself to take a bite it would end up in the toilet within the hour. He could feel every single part of his body burning with the need to be clean, to have never let Reynolds touch him.

Hercules could see the worried glances everyone was shooting him but he ignored them. Until someone walked up to him and force fed him he wasn’t going to stop. He needed it, needed it because without it he would realise how little control he had.

As long as he restricted his food, measured out every bite and every flush, he was still in control. He wasn’t subject to what the courts would decide or when Reynolds would get out.

Hercules knew Lafayette had noticed it but they didn’t say anything, no-one did.

His nights were haunted by roving hands and he woke from them in soft tears, tears so soft because he knew nothing would change. He knew he didn’t have control. He couldn’t ever have control, not really. He’d lost his control the moment he’d let Reynolds hand him the bunch of notes that had let his family eat that night.

The day before the trial started, Hercules couldn’t sleep. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t force himself to close his eyes. After a few hours he gave up entirely. He sat up in bed and reached for his phone. He had finally managed to get a tentative line to Ellie through her foster parents.

**To: Ellie**

**Are you awake?**

**From: Ellie**

**Is this a trick question so you can tell me off?**

**To: Ellie**

**No**

**From: Ellie**

**Then yeah**

**To: Ellie**

**I can’t sleep**

**From: Ellie**

**Thinking about tomorrow?**

**To: Ellie**

**Yeah**

**From: Ellie**

**It’ll be okay Herc. They’ve got enough evidence to lock him up**

**To: Ellie**

**What if they don’t?**

**From: Ellie**

**They do. If he isn’t charged then you’ll get a restraining order**

**To: Ellie**

**But I’ll know he could be doing it to other people**

**From: Ellie**

**He won’t get away with this Herc. There are first-hand accounts of what he did. Multiple ones for multiple crimes. Even if he doesn’t go down on all of them he’ll go down on enough to keep you safe.**

**To: Ellie**

**When did you get so smart?**

**From: Ellie**

**When my big brother got so stupid :)**

**To: Ellie**

**You should get some sleep now**

**From: Ellie**

**Yes mom.**

**From: Ellie**

**It’ll be alright Herc. I know it will be**

Hercules stared at the last message before he sighed and set the phone down.

He tried to force himself to sleep but nothing helped, not even the raw gnawing in his stomach as his body cried out for food. Eventually Hercules gave up a second time. He stood and began to pace. He needed a way to take control, a way even more powerful than the food, something short term that would give him the power to face Reynolds the next day.

Hercules quietly left his room and walked down the hall to Lafayette’s door. He knocked on it once before he walked in. Lafayette stared up, bleary eyes.

“Hercules?”

“Pronouns?” Hercules whispered. Lafayette sat up at that.

“Uh- they and them?”

“Okay.” Hercules sat down on the bed and faced Lafayette. He trailed his fingers across Lafayette’s collar bones, visible above the thin shirt they were wearing. Lafayette’s breath hitched as Hercules kissed them gently.

“I do not-”

“I need this, Laf. Just- please.” Hercules whispered. Lafayette frowned but nodded. “Thank you.” Hercules shuffled forwards which forced Lafayette back against the wall. “You’re so beautiful.” Hercules gently tugged at the bottom of Lafayette’s top and they let out a soft sound. “Can I take it off?”

Lafayette answered the question by slowly removing their top. Hercules let his fingers wander across Lafayette’s upper half. He paused at the scars and could feel Lafayette pausing as well. Hercules leant forwards and placed one hand on the wall, effectively boxing Lafayette in. They stared up at him in confusion but there was no fear. They knew they were safe.

“This shouldn’t’ve happened.” Hercules continued to trace the scars. He shifted so that he was almost straddling Lafayette. “Should never have happened.”

“What is going on, mon amour?” Lafayette whispered.

“I need control, Laf. I just-” Hercules could feel tears threatening his eyes. Before he could start to cry he leant forwards and kissed Lafayette. His hand snuck its way into their hair and pulled them close. Lafayette let out a noise of discomfort but Hercules ignored it, along with every other thing he was ignoring.

Hercules’ hands went to Lafayette’s pants and Lafayette tried to pull away again. When Hercules didn’t notice, Lafayette pushed their arms up, breaking them apart. Hercules stared down at them, upper body now almost completely supported by Lafayette.

“Non.” Lafayette whispered. “I do not want this.” Hercules stared at them for a moment before he scrambled off the bed. Lafayette sat up and moved forwards but before they could, Hercules ran from the room. Lafayette leapt to their feet and paused. They pulled their shirt back on and took off after Hercules.

Hercules couldn’t even think as he ran away from Lafayette. He knew he was making too much noise, that he was going to wake someone up. He didn’t care. All he could think about was what he’d just done, that he’d just forced himself onto Lafayette. That he’d done the same thing as them, as all of them, all of the nameless people who had hurt him, he was just as bad.

Hercules sunk to his knees as he found a dark corner and he put his head in his hands. He couldn’t get control of his breathing. He sunk further into himself as the memories overcame him, as he remembered just what they’d done to him. He could remember every whispered word, every endearment twisted into a curse. He could feel every touch across his body, inside his body. He could remember every sense as it overwhelmed him.

A hand touched him and Hercules shied away with a small whimper. Someone was talking but he couldn’t concentrate on it. Then there was a body next to him and suddenly he couldn’t not concentrate on it.

“I’m here, darling. It’s okay. Your doll didn’t mean nothing by that. I’m here. Just come back now. Gotta breathe regular. You’re smart enough to remember that stuff right? Hell of a lot smarter than I am.”

Hercules shook his head at that. He wasn’t smart enough to breathe properly, he couldn’t seem to do it.

“Okay darling, just try. Can you count with me? Come on, breathe in, out, in, out.” The voice continued to repeat the two words and Hercules slowly felt his breathing calm down. “That’s it, darling. What happened?”

“I’m just like them.” Hercules whispered.

“Am I allowed to hug you yet, Herc?”

“I-”

“I ain’t gonna until you let me.”

“Yes.”

Hercules felt arms wrap around him and for once he didn’t flinch. He recognised Maria, recognised her as someone who had been hurt just like him, who he wouldn’t dirty if he touched. He turned towards her to make it easier and she chuckled gently.

“That’s it now. Now what’re you saying about them?”

“I forced Laf.” Hercules’ voice was still quiet but he knew someone else had heard him from the whimper he heard somewhere else in the room. “If they hadn’t stopped me I would have _raped_ them! Mari I-”

“Nah darling, it ain’t like that. This is scary I know but it don’t make you like them. You just forgot to listen is all. Don’t make you bad, just a bit deaf.” Hercules huffed a small laugh at that and Maria sighed. “You’re worried about it and that shows you ain’t at all like them. They didn’t apologise for anything, Herc. You are.”

“Is Laf okay?”

“Herc, if you wanna look up he’s right here.”

“They.” Herc said softly.

“They’re here.” Maria corrected herself. “They’re here and waiting for you. You wanna see them?”

Hercules slowly raised his face and saw Lafayette standing in front of him. Lafayette was crying softly and their eyes were rimmed red. They were trying to hide the fact they were crying but Hercules could still see it. As Hercules looked at them they offered him a shaky smile.

“Salut, mon amour.”

“I’m so sorry, Laf.”

“Non, non.” Lafayette crouched down next to Hercules. They reached a hand out, a question for Hercules to take or not. Hercules took it after a long moment. “You did nothing wrong, mon amour. It was a surprise. I wished to talk it through. You did nothing against my wishes. You never would.”

“I nearly did.” Hercules whispered. Maria huffed and squeezed him.

“Don’t be an idiot, darling. You stopped the moment Laf told you to.”

“When Laf forced me to stop. I- I didn’t stop when you asked and I don’t know how-” Hercules took a deep shuddering breath as tears began to flow down his face again. Lafayette placed one of their hands over the other, giving Hercules double the warmth through their interlocked hands.

“I was not scared, mon amour. I knew you would not hurt me. I knew you will never.”

“What if- what if I hadn’t stopped? How does this make me any- any better than-” Hercules broke off, not even able to say the name.

“You ain’t anything like them, Herc! Reynolds raped you! He- he raped me!” Maria’s voice was less certain on that one. “He forced us to do terrible things, Herc. You ain’t nothing like him.”

“What if he walks away tomorrow?” Hercules whispered. Maria sighed.

“Then we’ll be safe here. Then we’ll force the court to listen to us and we’ll get him, Herc. He ain’t gonna live free again. He’s gonna go to jail no matter what.”

“If it helps,” the extra voice make Hercules jump as he looked up and saw Jefferson stood there, “a lot of people have their own sense of justice. Terrible things tend to happen to child predators and rapists.”

“How do you mean?” Hercules asked. “H-how long have you been there?”

“Laf got me. I got Maria. A lot of paedophiles don’t survive their prison sentences. Even fewer survive it unscathed. Honour even among thieves.” Jefferson crouched down to Hercules’ level and sighed. “No-one can guarantee what’s going to happen tomorrow Herc. He- he might get free.”

“Tommy! Don’t-”

“Please Mari, let him talk.”

“Thank you. Anyway, maybe Reynolds will get off. Maybe Frederick will as well. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. They can’t touch us here. We’re nearly eighteen and we’re safe. The police will keep an eye on both of them and no-one else will get hurt. They might not get justice but you’re safe, Herc. They won’t hurt you.”

Hercules stared at Jefferson for a long moment before he ducked his head and sniffed. He wiped away the tears before looking back up at Jefferson.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime. I didn’t tell Washington but I think he’s worked out something has happened. So, unless you want to explain what you were doing, I’d suggest you go back to bed. It’s where I’m going.” Jefferson glanced at Maria who nodded. He then stood and stretched widely before slinking off to his room.

“Come on, mon amour.” Lafayette said quietly. Hercules shuffled forwards and leant his head against Lafayette’s shoulder. “It is okay.”

“I’m so sorry.” Hercules whispered.

“Non, non, it is fine. This is so difficult for you. I am here for you.”

“I don’t want to do that. I don’t- I don’t know why I tried it.”

“Because you were scared.” Lafayette took one of Hercules’ hands and traced his fingers across it. “It is natural. It is fine, mon amour. The trial shall take not long and you will be free.” Lafayette’s fingers paused at Hercules’ knuckles and they frowned. They ran their fingers over the raised area again before deciding to not bring it up. Hercules needed them at that moment as support and nothing more.

“Thank you.”

“It is nothing. Do you want to return to sleep?”

“No. I just- I can’t sleep right now.”

“Nightmares?” Maria asked gently. Hercules nodded. “Washington got me some medication, knocks you out, stops them all. Didn’t take it tonight cause it makes you all drowsy but I can grab some for you.”

“Okay.” Hercules nodded and Maria grinned.

“Laf, get Herc back up to his room and I’ll meet you there.”

Hercules stood shakily, supported by Lafayette every step. When they were in Hercules’ room Lafayette kneeled beside the bed and held Hercules’ hand as he settled into the bed.

“I wish this had never happened.” Lafayette said softly. “I wish he’d never touched you. You should have had so much better.”

“I love you, Laf.” Hercules whispered. Lafayette smiled in the darkness.

“Je t'aime beaucoup, chéri.”

“What does that mean?”

“I love you very much, my darling.”

Hercules smiled at that just as Maria walked back in.

“Here you go Herc.” Maria held one out and Hercules took it with a smile. He swallowed it dry.

“Thank you.”

“I’m gonna get back to bed now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll stay, mon amour, just until you sleep.”

“Thank you.” Hercules whispered. Lafayette continued to trace patterns across Hercules’ hands as their boyfriend slipped off to sleep. It was only when they were sure he was asleep that they stood. Hercules looked smaller in his sleep, the moon’s glow highlighted every single sharp angle of his body and it seemed to shrink him until he looked almost see through.

Lafayette left the room, not noticing that it wasn’t an illusion of the moon’s light that made their boyfriend look so gaunt.

 

The day the trial started, Hercules didn’t go to school. He sat at the breakfast table and just stared down at his plate. The rest of the table was silent, just glancing at him every so often. He wanted to make jokes, to show them that he was still strong. He didn’t want them to worry but he couldn’t summon the energy to do anything but stare into nothingness.

“You should eat, mon amour.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“D’accord.” Lafayette returned to staring at their own plate. Appetites seemed to be rather slim all across the table. Even Alexander had only eaten part of his food, just moving the rest around the plate. Washington sighed and stood.

“The people who will be testifying in this trial won’t be going to school at the normal time. While today is just meant to be an introduction it is important that those people attend. Hercules, Maria, Lafayette, Thomas, Alexander, Eliza, you won’t go to school today. Peggy, Angelica, John and Burr, you will go.”

“No!” Peggy stood as she spoke. “That’s wrong! We can’t just carry on as if nothing’s happening!”

“Peggy,” Washington’s voice was full of authority and Peggy slowly sank down. “This trial is not one day. This will take a long time and it won’t be easy. You can’t skip school for all of that time.”

“Will we?” Jefferson asked.

“I don’t know. It depends on how much the trial will require you. Maria and Hercules you will not need to attend school as this trial continues. I would suggest that it might help but I will not force you. For the rest of you,” Washington sighed, “I will not force anyone to go to school on every day but I suggest that you do.”

“You should.” Hercules said softly, watching Peggy. She frowned. “It’s not going to help anyone if you’re there, Pegs. At the end of the day the ruling will be the same.” Peggy stared at him for a moment before he shrugged. “I need to go get ready.” Hercules rose and left the room, leaving only silence and worry behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ ART!](https://astar1234.deviantart.com/art/Hamilton-Voiceless-Symphonies-Sketch-711011313?ga_submit_new=10%3A1508634191)
> 
> !!!!!!!


	60. Call Your First Witness

Alexander sat in his seat, shifting anxiously. He wasn’t allowed his headphones and he didn’t want to talk to anyone. The courtroom was too quiet and it was really getting to him. His hands were itching for a pen and paper to write with but he couldn’t get one.

As the judge entered the room Alexander’s tics fell away as the room fell silent. He was suddenly fully focused on the woman who stood at the front of the room.

“We are here to discuss the court case of Mr James Reynolds. He is accused of multiple accounts of rape, by both coercion and force. He is also charged of underage rape, forced prostitution, gaining money through immoral workings, and drugging someone to allow them to be raped. We will hear the opening statements.”

Alexander glanced at Hercules who was just staring straight ahead. Ever since Reynolds had entered the room Hercules hadn’t glanced at him once. Alexander could see how tight Hercules was gripping Lafayette’s hand. Lafayette’s face betrayed nothing.

The defence attorney was the first to rise. Alexander stared at him as he stated the basic facts of the case and then the more sensational parts of it. He couldn’t feel a shred of pride as his pamphlet was read out. He was the one who had caused this, had forced Hercules to face this before he was ready.

When the defence lawyer stood and began to speak, Alexander felt sick. He knew that the woman’s job was to paint them as terrible people but he hadn’t realised how far she’d go. She was talking about it as if Maria and Hercules had chosen it, had let it happen and were now crying wolf. The jury seemed to grumble a bit at that and the woman relented, sitting back down.

“I’d like to call Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette to the stand first.”

Despite the circumstances Alexander smiled slightly as he saw the mumble go around the room, the shock that always followed Lafayette’s full name.

Lafayette stood and walked to the stand, their head proud. Maria shuffled closer to Hercules and squeezed his hand.

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.” Lafayette then took a seat. The defence lawyer seemed to slink forwards until she came to a halt in front of Lafayette.

“For the record, what is your preferred name?”

“Lafayette.”

“And you are the boyfriend of Hercules Mulligan?”

Lafayette paused and glanced to Hercules.

“I- I am dating Hercules. He is my boyfriend.”

“But you’re not his?”

“I do not identify as male.” Lafayette seemed to shrink into their seat at that.

“Do you identify as female?”

“No.”

“So what do you identify as?” The woman seemed to be running out of patience and Lafayette shrank back slightly. The prosecution attorney rose at that.

“This is beside the point and she is intimidating a witness.”

“Agreed.” The judge sighed. “Ms Duke, move onto your next question.”

“Well then. How long have you been dating Hercules Mulligan?”

“For several months.”

“Were you dating him before this pamphlet was published?”

“Yes.”

“Were you dating him before the alleged events in this pamphlet were done?”

“No.”

“Did he tell you about it?”

“No.”

“Did you find out about it before the pamphlet was published?”

“No.”

“How often did you see Hercules during these alleged affairs?”

“Every day.”

“So, to summarise, you saw a close friend who then turned into a boyfriend every single day for months and you didn’t see anything different? Despite the fact that we are led to believe that this ruined Hercules Mulligan’s life? You didn’t notice any differences in his behaviour?”

“Non I-” Lafayette glanced at Hercules in fear before they forced themselves to look back at Ms Duke. “I saw something odd but did not question it. When I did Hercules did not tell me what was happening.”

“Do you seriously want us to believe that you didn’t notice your boyfriend was being raped and you didn’t notice it?”

“I- I don’t-” Lafayette cast around the room and Ms Duke clucked her tongue.

“It says that George Frederick was your previous foster father, is that correct?”

“Oui. George était-”

“You need to remain in English Lafayette.” The judge broke in. “Or you need to ask for a translator.”

“I- I will speak English. I merely forget.”

“Carry on then.”

“In the pamphlet Hercules Mulligan was allegedly forced to sleep with George Frederick. How long did you live with George for?”

“Many years since I was a child.”

“Did he ever give any indication that he was capable of something like that?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Did he or did he not?”

“I knew he was capable of doing bad things but I- I did not realise he was capable of doing that.”

“Did you have a close relationship with George?”

“Not really. He was my father but there was little love lost.”

“Did you have a close enough relationship to know him?”

“I thought I did know him.”

“So, you thought you knew both Hercules Mulligan and George Frederick. You believed that neither of them were committing the acts they have been accused of and yet you now believe that they both did? Is that correct?”

“Y-yes.” Lafayette glanced at the jury and noticed them scratching things down onto their notepads. “But I-”

“I’m done.” Ms Duke overrode Lafayette and nodded to the judge.

Lafayette turned to Jefferson who offered a shaky smile. Lafayette knew he was faking it and they felt their stomach begin to flip over itself in their stomach. What if they’d just blown the entire trial? What if Reynolds walked free? What if they were the reason Reynolds went free?

Mr Dean, the prosecution attorney, slowly rose and shuffled his papers. He stepped forwards to face Lafayette.

“Lafayette, you said George Frederick was a former foster father, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Why were you removed from his care?”

“He was not a good man.” Lafayette forced themselves to take in a deep shuddering breath. “He would tell me off for speaking English and train me to only speak French. He cut me off from the outside world and did not care for me. When he found out about my identity he hit me and told me what would happen if I did it again. I tried to kill myself and was removed from his household.”

Alexander huffed a breath at that. He’d known Lafayette hated George but he’d never really known why. Now it made a hell of a lot more sense.

“Did George Frederick display violent tendencies frequently?”

“Yes. He only ever hit me once but he would be angry often and would try to hurt his wife. I know he succeeded many times. ”

“He hit his wife?”

“Oui- yes.”

“Regularly?”

“Whenever he grew angry. It was more often as the years went by.”

“Were you scared by him?”

“Yes. Often.”

“Do you believe Hercules Mulligan?”

“Yes. Hercules would not lie for this.”

“Knowing both Hercules Mulligan and George Frederick do you think that any relationship between them would be consensual?”

“Objection!” Ms Duke shot up. “Leading a witness.”

“Sustained.”

“I’m done.”

Mr Dean sat back down and the judge nodded.

“Does anyone want to rise again?”

Both attorneys shook their heads and the judge nodded.

“Half an hour break. Afterwards, Elizabeth Schuyler will be called to the stand.”

Lafayette walked away from the stand and rushed to Hercules. Hercules caught them just as Lafayette began to cry gently. Jefferson stepped forwards but Hercules shook his head.

“Hey Laf, it’s okay.”

“J'ai foiré tout, je sais que c'est mal. Je suis desolé, j'ai tout brisé. Je ne savait pas quoi dire. J'ai eu tellement peur!”

“Can’t speak French, Laf, come on.” Hercules gently pushed Lafayette back. “It’s okay. Why’re you crying?”

“I messed it all up, Hercules.”

“You did fine, Laf. She shouldn’t have said that stuff to you. I didn’t tell you and that doesn’t mean we’re not dating or what we have isn’t real. It means I didn’t tell you.”

“D’accord.” Lafayette whispered. Hercules smiled and pulled them close.

“It’ll be okay.” No matter how many times Hercules tried to calm Lafayette down it didn’t help how he himself was feeling. That same sense of control was slipping away from him, one strand at a time. He was sure that at any moment the thin rope would snap and he was terrified of what would happen then.


	61. They'll Make The Personal Political

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been working on Hamilwings a lot and I'm so fucking tempted to just post a chapter of it but it's nowhere near done. It's 100k in so far and maybe 10% of the story? (that might not translate to word count. probably won't tbh) I'm just so hyped for it and idk

Eliza sat at the stand, biting her lip nervously. The other Yorktown kids were staring at her and smiling but she couldn’t make herself copy the gesture. She was so nervous having watched what Lafayette had done.

“Elizabeth Schuyler, how do you know Maria Lewis?” Ms Duke seemed to almost prowl and Eliza decided immediately she didn’t like this woman. She didn’t like to make snap judgements but this was a woman who had chosen to defend Reynolds, after all.

“Maria is my girlfriend.”

“And how long has that been going on now?”

“For nearly a year.”

“How did you come to know Maria?”

“She was in several classes in my school.”

“Can you detail the first time you saw Maria?”

“She uh,” Eliza bit her lip and glanced at Maria, “we were in the corridor and then she just pulled Jefferson aside and started to kiss him.”

“Thomas Jefferson?” A grumble went around the room at that name but Eliza ignored it.

“Yes.”

“Was this the first time Maria had met Thomas?”

“Yes.”

“Was this a common occurrence for her?”

“I don’t understand the question.” Eliza did, she had a dawning certainty of where this line of questioning was going to go.

“Does your girlfriend often kiss other people?”

“We weren’t dating at that time.”

“Does she often kiss other people?”

“No.”

“Has she always been faithful to you?”

Eliza hesitated again. She glanced to Mr Dean who had nothing to offer.

“From what Maria’s told me she has never slept with someone willingly in the time we have been dating.”

“But she has slept with other people?”

“She was raped if that’s what you’re asking.” Eliza tried to keep her tone gentle but there was a bite in it. Maria hunched into herself in her seat.

“Do you know that these acts were non-consensual?”

“Yes.”

“How? Were you there?”

“I wasn’t there but I know Maria. She wouldn’t cheat on me unless she had to.”

“Had to?”

“Unless she was threatened by force or the understanding that someone else would be hurt. She’s told me that both of those things happened on multiple occasions by your client. Maria might have slept with people but she was also underage when we started dating. We haven’t broken the law in that regard. I’m not sure Reynolds can say the same.”

Jefferson smiled at Eliza for that. Ms Duke looked shocked for several long moments before she collected herself.

“I have no more questions.”

“Really?” Eliza asked. She sat up taller and stared at Ms Duke. “Or do you want to further slut shame the victim of underage rape and abuse?” Eliza didn’t say anything else but it was obvious Ms Duke didn’t have a response.

Mr Dean stood, with a smile on his face. He pushed it away as he faced Eliza but it was still evident in his voice.

“By the time you met Maria was she being abused, sexually or physically, by Mr Reynolds?”

“No. Maria has told me that the first time she was abused was later that day. Sexually.”

“When you started dating Maria did she ever say anything about it?”

“No.”

“When did you first find something unusual?”

“There were a lot of things to be honest. Maria tended to expect sex. Not in a cruel way, just as if she couldn’t image her world without people ordering her to have sex with them. She didn’t want me to tell anyone about our relationship because she was afraid of what Reynolds would do.”

“When did Mr Reynolds hear about it?”

“A short time before the pamphlet came out.”

“What happened?”

“Maria didn’t understand the concept of consent and I pressed her on it. I continued to ask and she got very flustered. Maria ran off and when I next talked to her she said she didn’t want to talk to me and our relationship was over.”

“Why do you think she did this?”

“Because Reynolds threatened her.”

“Could you please state the threat for the court.”

“Maria was threatened that if she didn’t end our relationship then she would be prostituted to my father.” Several members of the jury looked sick at that and Eliza wanted to join them. It still revolted her. “At the time she didn’t tell me about it and I only found out when the pamphlet had been punished.”

“Do you think Maria consented to any of the activities?”

“No. I think she was scared and was trying to survive.”

“Thank you Miss Schuyler, you can sit back down now.”

Eliza sat back down and Maria smiled at her.

“Thanks, doll.”

“All I did was tell the truth.” Eliza whispered back, ignoring the glances the two were getting. “If they’re forcing you through this they’re not doing it without me fighting every step of the way.”

Maria leant forwards and kissed Eliza gently on the cheek. “Thank you anyway.”

 

The next two days of the trial were nerve wracking. Hercules sat in the audience every single day and watched as people walked to the stand and dissected what had happened to him over and over again until he felt ready to throw up.

When he did throw up no-one was there to see him, when he was hunched over in a bathroom stall sobbing because he couldn’t stand the memories anymore.

He knew that everyone was worried but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he knew was that it would be better when Reynolds was behind bars, even better when George was behind bars and he didn’t need to consider either man in his life. He knew the court would never track down all of the people he’d been forced to fuck but they’d bring down some of them.

They couldn’t guarantee no-one else would be hurt but they could almost guarantee he wouldn’t be hurt again. Hercules felt like scum when he was happy about that. He put himself in front of any number of Marias, people who couldn’t get out of their situation and never would be able to, without help.

No-one approached him about his eating habits. Hercules noticed that his favourite meals were being cooked but he didn’t let himself eat them. It wasn’t control without a challenge after all. Lafayette and Maria continued to give him sleeping pills. On the third night he asked for a packet just so he wouldn’t have to ask Maria to wake up each night.

The look they shot each other was like a punch in the gut. They didn’t trust him with a packet of sleeping pills.

They said otherwise but Hercules could feel it, he just knew that somehow his date-mate and close friend didn’t trust him to not kill himself.

Alexander sat on the side lines nervously. He seemed to have realised that running his mouth off wasn’t always the best idea but it didn’t seem to stop him from wanting to. He kept his music player on at all times and Hercules was half sure he’d go deaf because of it.

Not even Jefferson tried to butt into his life. Hercules was pretty sure that wasn’t so much because of him. Maria was having an even harder time with the trial. The court seemed intent on framing her as some kind of slut, saying that she slept with all of the people willingly. She didn’t know how to respond.

She had known she was a whore since she was a kid, what difference did it make if the court knew it too?

 

The third day of the trial was also the day that James came home.

Jefferson sat next to him throughout the release procedure as he repeated things back, double checked on what he needed to do and promised to not over exert himself. Jefferson then took the handles of the wheelchair from one of the nurses and began to wheel James off.

“I’m glad to get out of here.” James admitted quietly.

“That’s pretty normal.”

“Did everyone miss me?”

“Nah. Didn’t even notice you were gone.”

“Asshole.”

“One day you’re really going to hurt my feelings.”

“How’s the trial going?” James ignored Jefferson’s taunt. Jefferson paused and sighed.

“I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about that.”

“Jefferson, I’m going to hear about the trial every day. You can’t ask me to not listen.”

“Eliza and Laf are the only ones who have testified so far. We don’t know how well it went. Herc and Maria have been to every day of the trial and Hamilton has been to several. We don’t know how it’s going.”

“When are you testifying?”

“Day after tomorrow.” Jefferson pushed the door open and sighed. “It’s gonna be interesting.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know why they’re giving a whole day to me. It’s worrying.”

“A whole day?”

“Without any of the other Yorktown kids. Who knows what they have on me.” Jefferson paused for a moment before he shook himself. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Do they know?” James glanced around before he spoke. “About the murder charge?”

“I- I don’t know. I’m a minor so maybe not. But Alexander wrote about it so-” Jefferson shrugged. “If they ask me then I have to talk about it.”

“What’ll you say?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jefferson… you told me the truth, didn’t you?”

“What?”

James twisted slightly in his chair.

“Stop walking.”

Jefferson slowed the wheelchair to a halt just as they exited the building. He kept on staring straight ahead. James glared at him and tugged on his sleeve. Jefferson looked down in surprise.

“Did you tell me the truth? You didn’t mean to kill that man, did you?”

“James-”

“What? Did you-”

“Don’t ask me to say anything else.”

“Why not?” James glared up at Jefferson who sighed. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Because I don’t want you to have to commit perjury. At the moment you can still say you don’t know anything.”

“I don’t-”

“Please,” Jefferson crouched down in front of James but still couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “Please don’t ask me about this. What happened, happened. I’m not proud of it, not at all.”

“Jefferson…”

“Please, James.” Jefferson met James’ eyes. He looked old and tired, as if he’d seen things he never should have, things that should never have existed. “Please.”

“Okay.” James whispered. “Okay. Who’s bringing us back?”

“Washington. He had to make a few arrangements.”

“Like what?”

“There’s something he’s planning.” Jefferson continued to push James’ wheelchair as he spoke. “Hasn’t told me yet.”

“He said he might send me to a nursing home.” James’ voice was quiet. He could feel Jefferson tensing behind him.

“What?”

“I told him I wouldn’t do it.”

“Good. That won’t fucking happen.”

“You really think Yorktown can look after me?”

“I’ll make damn sure it can.”

“Thank you.” James’ voice was soft and Jefferson didn’t respond.

 

All of the inhabitants of Yorktown were waiting at the doors when the car pulled up. James smiled at that from the window as Jefferson stepped out of the car. Jefferson immediately walked to the back to let James roll out.

Eliza was next to him as soon as he was out of the car. She pulled him into a hug which he was only half expecting.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” Eliza whispered. “I was so scared.” James didn’t say anything back, didn’t talk about how terrified he’d been either. Eliza didn’t need to know that. After a moment she pulled back and wiped her eyes. She paused as she took in his appearance and he shifted uncomfortably.

“Not much to look at, am I?”

“Don’t be dumb.” Eliza couldn’t quite stop staring at the mess at his head, where the bandages remained. The rest of his appearance was rumpled from too many nights in a hospital bed and far too much boredom. “Y-you had brain surgery. Other people look worse.”

“Other people are in the morgue.” James muttered. Eliza sucked in a breath while Jefferson just rolled his eyes.

“Stop being melodramatic. Come on.” Jefferson pushed the wheelchair into the house and the horde of people waiting there.

“Hey guys.” James half muttered as he looked around. Everyone was staring at him with happiness but he couldn’t quite mirror it back. “Look I- I’m tired. I should-”

“Go to bed.” Washington half commanded form behind James. Jefferson whipped his head around at the unexpected noise but James just nodded.

“Yeah.”

“We’ll be here when you’re feeling better.” Peggy stepped forwards as she spoke and squeezed him gently.

“Thank you.” James reached down for the wheels and began to move. Jefferson fell into step beside him.

“You do know you’re not getting up those stairs.”

James sighed in frustration.

“Why can’t we just buy something?”

“Blame the government.”

“I have enough things to blame.” James stopped talking as they reached the bottom of the stairs. He glared at them before he glanced at Jefferson.

“Not even going to say please?”

“Jefferson-”

“Fine.” Jefferson leant down and carefully picked up James. He clung to the back of Jefferson’s shirt and they paused for a moment as Jefferson balanced himself. They then started to walk up the stairs, James counting each step in his head.

When they reached the top there was a voice from below.

“Do you want me to carry this up?”

“What?”

Angelica appeared halfway up the stairs, with James’ wheelchair in hand. James nodded and Angelica smiled. She pulled it up the stairs and placed it in front of Jefferson who gently put James back down.

“Are you really okay, James?”

“Yes.” James smiled up at Angelica. “I’m fine.”

Angelica and Jefferson exchanged a look and James sighed. He knew what that look meant. It meant that two of the most observant members of Yorktown weren’t taking any of his shit that day.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I was tired.” James spoke before either of them could start and they both looked back down, almost guiltily.

“Let’s get you to bed then.” Jefferson went to move the wheelchair but James shook his head. His muscles were slow to respond but after a moment they did and let him push the chair into his room. Angelica hung back but followed him in.

James climbed from the wheelchair into his bed. Jefferson hovered for a moment before he left the room. Angelica watched him go with a frown.

“He’s going to get something. Jefferson isn’t that easy to get rid of.”

Angelica nodded and sat at the edge of the bed. She fiddled with the covers and James groaned.

“Can people please stop treating me like a child? I’ve been back five minutes. I had a growth removed, not a lobotomy.”

“Sorry.” Angelica shrugged and he smiled at her. “I heard Washington saying you needed extra help.”

“Yeah.” James closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m going to figure something out.”

“I’m here, okay? I know Thomas can do almost all of it but I’m here as well.”

“Thank you.” James smiled at her and she reached for his hand. “By the way, it’s good to be back.” Angelica smiled softly and nodded.

“Did I miss a bonding moment?” Jefferson asked as he walked back into the room. Angelica shot him a look but he just smiled back. “Here.” He set down a bottle of water and a cereal bar. “I don’t know how long you’ll sleep for but they’re in case you get hungry.”

“Thanks.” James stared at the items for a moment but didn’t bother to pursue the topic. “I’ll call you when I wake up.”

“Okay.” Jefferson smiled down at him. “Sleep. You’re safe. You’re home.”


	62. You Have No Idea What You're Asking Me To Confess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay just so we're all on the same page here. Pleading the fifth is a legal defence in America which relies on the fifth amendment which is the right to silence (or to not incriminate yourself.) I'm not American and so if I do mess us these court scenes just remember I'm just a writer in this. I'm not a lawyer or a judge or anything like that

On the day of his testimony Jefferson lay in bed for a long time. He was almost certain that his criminal history was going to be brought up. If it wasn’t then the fact that he was complicit in covering up criminal activities certainly would come to light.

He chuckled mirthlessly at that; trust Alexander to fuck everything up. He slowly pushed himself up and paced to his wardrobe. He flicked through a few outfits before choosing the right one, as if one of them could somehow explain Reynolds’ crimes without him needing to open his mouth.

When he was done he walked downstairs to the kitchen table. For once there was conversation. James was sat at the end of the table. He looked tired but he was smiling gently. Hercules was eating quickly, he was probably the fastest in fact. Jefferson was happy that Hercules had finally started eating, that he wasn’t starving away to nothing.

Alexander wasn’t actually eating very quickly. Instead he was deep in conversation with John. Jefferson smiled as he sat down. Every single person at the table could see just how John felt for Alexander and how Alexander felt for John. It was almost sickening to be honest.

“So, what’re the rest of you doing?” Jefferson asked as he leant back. He saw Alexander glance at him quizzically and decided to ignore the boy.

“School.” Lafayette muttered.

“Pro-nouns?”

“He and him?” Lafayette posed it as a question as he always did. Jefferson wanted to reassure him that it was okay, that he’d call Lafayette anything if it made him feel more comfortable.

“Okay. Herc?”

“Trial.”

“Maria?”

“Trial.”

“Alexander?”

“Trial.”

“Well today looks like it’s going to be thrilling. I’m guessing the sisters are in school.” They nodded. “Burr and John are in school and James is at home.”

“Better than the hospital.”

“Darling,” Jefferson sighed, “anywhere is better than that hospital. Do you know how ugly that place is?”

“Let’s skip the dying people.” Alexander scoffed. “Let’s talk about the interior decorating.”

“Finally! Alexander says something reasonable! Don’t stop now dearie, worked out your stance on that pamphlet yet?”

Alexander glared at Jefferson for that who just grinned back.

“At least-”

“Alexander, he’s baiting you.” Angelica sighed and glared at Jefferson. “Can’t we have one meal in peace?”

“I would do anything for you, my love.” Jefferson ignored the vomiting noises Peggy was making. Just as Jefferson went to respond, Hercules stood abruptly. Lafayette frowned as he left but made no move to follow. Jefferson tracked the movement as well but decided to ignore it.

He had bigger things to worry about.

 

Jefferson stood at the stand and stared at the bible. He almost wanted the Thomas Jefferson bible but he thought that might have been a bit much. Something he’d never really worried about before.

“State your name for the court.”

“Thomas Jefferson.”

“Is that-” the judge paused, “your legal name?”

“It’s my legal name. I didn’t have a surname at birth.” Jefferson could see the questions going through the judge’s head but in the end no questions were answered. Mr Dean stood and Jefferson braced himself.

“When did you first become aware that something was amiss with Maria Lewis and James Reynolds?”

“The first day I met Maria I suspected that something was off but I didn’t know. After that I kept an eye out and noticed it getting worse. I was eventually sure of it when Maria tried to sleep with me. I refused because she was obviously injured. She then explained everything that had happened.”

“Why did you then not go to the authorities?”

“From past experience, I know that the authorities tend to concentrate on the wrong things. I’ve seen a lot of abusers get away with it. It’s even more common with sexual abuse where the injuries can be hidden. I knew that there was no point trying to pursue a case without Maria.”

“When did you learn about Hercules Mulligan’s involvement?”

“A few days before the pamphlet broke.”

“How did you find out?”

“I-” Jefferson paused. “I found out that Hercules had implied some very hurtful things to a close friend of mine, Lafayette. I went into school and spotted him while I was talking to Maria Lewis. I confronted him and he broke down.”

“Broke down?”

“He started crying. I had never seen him cry. Even with everything that was going on in his life he didn’t let it break him. His mother being sick, essentially working two jobs, dealing with the mental and physical ramifications of Reynolds, caring for his siblings, all of that, on top of school work. He had never once cried. I knew something had to be wrong so I asked him. Maria knew and she persuaded him to tell me.”

“What did Hercules tell you?”

“He told me that he was being blackmailed by Reynolds into sleeping with people for money. He told me that it started when he had very little money and his mother was sick. He explained that he didn’t have another choice and that Reynolds took advantage of him at a weak moment. He explained that he didn’t have a way out and that he couldn’t imagine there ever being a way out.”

“Was there a reason that triggered the break down?”

“The previous night he’d been forced to sleep with someone. George Frederick, Lafayette’s previous, abusive foster father. Hercules worked it out by finding a picture. The picture broke and Frederick pushed the glass into Hercules’ arm.”

“Evidence H17.” There was a small gasp from the jury as they looked at the pictures.

“Herc’s younger sister helped get the shards out of his arm. She was the one who patched him up. He refused to go to the hospital because he didn’t have the money and because he knew there would be a punishment from Reynolds.”

“Do you know what the punishment would be?”

Jefferson caught sight of Alexander and frowned. Alexander stared back, face impassive for once. Jefferson knew that perjury was a crime, that if he told this man about the punishments he could be convicted.

What the fuck else was new?

“I think it would vary. I didn’t have much time to learn about Hercules’ situation as the pamphlet was published shortly afterwards. I know that Maria was beaten and they were both forced to sleep with people. I know that one time Hercules was drugged because he refused to sleep with someone. The punishments were a way of Reynolds showing how much control he had over their lives.”

“That’s all I have. Thank you.” Mr Dean sat back down and Jefferson nodded. Ms Duke stood and Jefferson watched her carefully.

“My first question has to be the question a lot of people here have. Why weren’t you given a name at birth?”

“I was abandoned by my mother at a few weeks old.” Jefferson met Ms Duke’s eyes. If that was what she was going for then he’d be able to fight back. “I’ve been in the care system ever since.”

“How many houses have you lived in?”

“I don’t remember.”

“You were moved because of violent tendencies and an almost sociopathic aversion to meaningful connections.”

“I don’t think I’m allowed to diagnose myself with sociopathy and I’m not sure you are either.”

“But you stand by the violent tendencies?”

“I know that was the official reason I was moved.”

“And the unofficial reason?”

“People don’t like what they can’t understand.”

“You think you’re too difficult to understand?”

“I hope I am. If I’m not then I’d be terribly boring.” Jefferson smirked as he saw the woman glare at him.

“In the pamphlet it says you have a criminal record, is that true?”

“Not entirely.” Jefferson didn’t let the anger show on his face. Fucking Alexander. Of course he had to write that one line, the one line that meant nothing and everything.

“Well, what house were you living in before you lived in Yorktown?”

“The Parker household.”

“I’m sorry, a misspeak, where were you living before Yorktown?”

“I was in juvie.” Jefferson glanced to Washington whose expression didn’t change. Washington was the one who knew the most about it.

“And why was that?”

“Because I was being charged.”

“With what?”

“Concerning the death of a previous foster father. I was cleared of all charges and it was ruled that it was in self-defence.”

“I’ve looked over the court proceedings and they seem to tell a different story.”

“On that day the jury saw the truth.”

“When the police searched the house afterwards they found signs of abuse. They found many signs of abuse on a girl in that household.”

Jefferson frowned at that in confusion. Where the hell was she going with this?

“Was that a question?”

“No. Merely a statement. I was just wondering, how is it that you have found yourself so connected to two different crimes revolving around sexual assault? It does seem like an odd co-incidence.”

“It sounds like I’ve lived in the care system for most of my life.”

“Is being this entangled in abuse cases normal?”

“Not entirely.”

“Why should we trust what you’re saying?”

“Because I swore on the bible that I would tell the truth. If I lie it’s perjury.”

“And you wouldn’t want to go for a jail you actually committed.”

“Objection!” Mr Dean stood and glared at Ms Duke. “Badgering the witness and misdirection. Where is she going with this?”

“Ms Duke, please get to the point.” Said the judge, looking tired. Ms Duke nodded slowly  before she turned back to Jefferson.

“Did you know the man you murdered?”

“Objection!” Mr Dean stood and glanced at Jefferson as if in anger before he turned back to the judge. “Speculation.”

“Ms Duke, watch your language. You may proceed.”

“Did you know the man you killed in self-defence?”

“Yes. He was a previous foster father of mine.”

“Were you close to him?”

“For a bit, yes.”

“What changed?”

“I realised he was abusing the other children.”

“But you stayed.”

“Yes.”

“You seem to have a bad record with reporting abusers. It’s almost as if you didn’t want to report them.”

Jefferson stared at her for several moments before he realised what she meant. The anger he tried to keep hidden for so long began to overwhelm him.

“Are you suggesting that I allowed someone to rape and abuse two of my friends?”

“I’m saying that this has happened to three different people, on two different occasions and you never reported it. I’m saying that you have taken a life and it’s not too far a jump.”

“I did that in self-defence!”

“But you shouldn’t have been there on that night.”

“This trial is not about me!” Jefferson was almost spitting. He couldn’t understand the woman, the fact that she was baiting him, that she thought he’d do that to Maria, to Hercules, to Kitty.

“Maybe it should be.”

“I was charged with nothing! I was found innocent!”

“The criminal system is often too soft on orphans.”

That was the final straw for Jefferson. The woman had targeted everything he cared about, every person he had tried to protect, had flipped everything on its head and didn’t even seem to care. Jefferson curled his hands into fists before he responded.

“If I was a murderer do you think he’d still be alive? Don’t you think I would have put him out of his fucking misery?”

Jefferson sucked in a deep breath as he realised what he’d just said. He glanced to Reynolds who was just grinning. Jefferson felt his heart speed up as he saw the entire courtroom staring at him in horror.

“I didn’t- I-” Jefferson sighed. “I’ve never wanted- I-”

“Have you ever planned to kill Mr Reynolds?”

“No. I mean-” Jefferson cast around. “Not really.”

“Not really?”

“When I saw my friend coming into school bruised and beaten. When a girl I didn’t know broke down on me. She- when Maria told me everything, you have no idea what kind of state she was in. She had broken ribs! She’d refused to do it and he’d hurt her for that. He was forcing me to rape her! Or- if you’re asking me if I wanted him dead then yes. Yes, I did. A big part of me still wants him dead.”

“Did you make a plan to kill him?” Jefferson stared at her for a moment before he nodded slowly. “A verbal answer please.”

“Yes.” Jefferson said softly.

“Can you detail this plan?”

“Medication. I have a close friend who takes medication which can be lethal in high quantities. I knew he had a small surplus, enough for me to take a bottle. I didn’t though.”

“Why not?”

“Because it vanished.”

“So, to summarise, you have planned to kill my client and the only reason you didn’t is because one bottle of medication disappeared?”

“No. I didn’t kill him because no matter how much I hate him he doesn’t deserve death. He deserves to rot in prison for the rest of his life. I-”

“If you could kill him now would you?”

“I don’t think that matters.”

“I think it does.”

“Then I plead the fifth.”

“I think that speaks for itself. I’m done.”

“You may leave the stand.” The judge said, staring at Jefferson. Jefferson shifted and strode off. He didn’t bother re-joining the other Yorktown kids, just walked out the front door of the courthouse. He felt along the edges of his knuckles, at the half healed bruises. He’d just fucked up monumentally.

Jefferson didn’t let himself think about that for too long. He strode down the street and eventually broke into a run, to do anything to stop himself thinking about how much he’d fucked over the trial. He only stopped when he was winded and felt sick. He leant against a wall and took in deep heaving breaths. He could feel his phone exploding but he ignored it and just forced himself to continue on to Yorktown.

When he finally got back his body was aching.

He strode up the stairs and collapsed back onto his bed. He closed his eyes and groaned. Why had he said that? Why had he said any of that? It was bad enough that he’d admitted to being a criminal, much worse that he’d admitted his emotions towards Reynolds.

Jefferson heard a faint tap on the door and he opened one eye.

“Who is it?”

“James. Are you okay?”

Jefferson gave a groan in response and James pushed open the door. Jefferson turned his head to him and James frowned.

“Hey, James.”

“Court?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

“I told them that I’d planned to murder Reynolds.”

There was silence in the room for a long moment where James didn’t know what to say.

“What the fuck?”

“James, I lied, okay?” Jefferson sat up. “This is- this is so fucking important okay? I-” Jefferson felt a lump in his throat and he shook his head. “I need you to listen. To- to listen and not- you can’t tell anyone, okay?”

“You’re scaring me.”

“Please. I- I have to tell someone. I can’t-” Jefferson realised he was crying and James let out a whine. He moved forwards and put a hand on Jefferson’s knee.

“I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

“I didn’t mean to kill that man, James. Kitty’s foster father. I-” Jefferson took in a deep breath to steady his breathing. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I- I didn’t mean- it wasn’t meant to!” Jefferson’s breathing stuttered and he had to close his eyes. “I went to that house, hurt. I- I was already- they- my foster father had hurt me so much. I could barely stand up.”

“I don’t-”

“I didn’t walk in there thinking I’d be a murderer, James! I walked in there knowing he would be!”

There was silence in the room again as James mulled the thought over and over in his head.

“You mean, you walked in there knowing you might die? Why couldn’t you have got the kids out and then just not gone in?”

“Because I didn’t want to live. I just- I wanted it to be over, James. I wanted my- my suicide-” Jefferson stumbled over the word, having never dared to admit that word out loud before, “to mean something.”

“Jesus Christ.” James breathed out. “You-”

“Kitty’d be safe from him. Kitty- Kitty would be safe. He hurt her so it wouldn’t be spotted. No-one believed her. If they found a body-” Jefferson didn’t say anything else as James shoved him backwards. Jefferson reeled back in shock and stared at James. “Wha-”

“Don’t you ever fucking dare!” James yelled. Jefferson backed up instinctively, pulling himself in as he heard the raised voice. “Don’t you dare do that, Thomas Jefferson!” James pushed himself onto the bed and pulled Jefferson into a hug. “Please.” Jefferson hugged James back weakly as his shirt began to get wet from James’ tears.

“James-”

“No. You don’t- you don’t get to kill yourself just for one person! You-” James pulled back and wiped at his eyes. “You don’t get to kill yourself, Thomas. Don’t.”

“I- that was a while ago.”

“When was the last time you thought about it?”

Jefferson didn’t respond and James glared at him.

“I don’t- I don’t think about killing myself. Not really. Just-” Jefferson sighed. “I think about what the world would be like without me. I- I wonder if you’d be okay, if Laf’d be okay, if Kitty would be okay and- and- I don’t want to die, James, I’m just so tired. I want to know when I can, when you’ll all be safe.”

“Never.” James snarled out, “Got it? I’ll never be okay with you dying.” Jefferson shrugged at that.

“Like I said, I don’t want to kill myself. Just if- if it happened I wouldn’t-”

“If you say one more fucking word I’ll shove you again.”

Jefferson blinked in surprise as James cursed. James just continued to glare at him.

“How does this tie in with Reynolds?” James pulled himself around so he was facing Jefferson. He took one of his hands and stared up at Jefferson’s face. Jefferson just stared at the hand, not wanting to meet James’ eyes.

“Alexander nearly killed himself after the pamphlet. He stole your medication beforehand. There was that administration error, you got an extra box. I knew that. He didn’t. I- I knew that as well. He stole them before the pamphlet came out and Angelica told me. I stole the meds from Alexander and replaced them with sugar pills.”

“Where did you put the real pills?”

Jefferson laughed hoarsely at that.

“No-one bothered to ask me that. They all figured I gave them back to you.”

“You didn’t.”

“No.” Jefferson sighed. “I didn’t.”

“Where are they?”

“James-”

“Either you tell me or I rip this room apart to find them.”

“In there.” Jefferson gestured to his desk. “Third drawer down.” James looked over and nodded but made no move towards it.

“What does this have to do with Reynolds?”

“I had this- this half-baked plan. When I found out about Hercules. If I could just- if I could get close to Reynolds, let whatever happen- happen and then-” Jefferson looked slightly green as he spoke. “I was going to offer myself in Herc’s place until the time was right and…”

“You’d let them rape you so you could kill him?” James asked in horror Jefferson just shrugged in response, looking miserable.

“Why not? I had the pills, I had someone who knew what was happening, I- I don’t have anything to live for. Alexander could explain it to everyone else afterwards. He’d know what happened and he could help them afterwards. It’s why I told him everything rather than keeping my promise.”

“You trusted Alexander with Maria and Hercules’ lives?”

“Yeah. I- I don’t know why. I just knew that if I told you then you’d know something was wrong. You’d stop me. Alexander was already sniffing around. It made sense.”

“I don’t- why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I- I want to be strong James. I don’t-” Jefferson sighed and ducked his head as if he was exhausted. “I don’t want to die. I just want to be happy.” James pulled Jefferson into a hug again and held him tighter, as if he could force the world to let them stay. “I want to be happy.” Jefferson began to sob and wrapped his arms around James.

“You will be.” James whispered. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I promise. You’ll be happy.”

“I-”

“I know it’s been so long. I know you don’t trust any of this. I know you still don’t trust Washington or anyone here but you can trust me. We’ll make you happy, Thomas. I promise.”


	63. Let Other People Be Cynical And Let It Go

Jefferson’s testimony left the court in silence. Maria looked terrified and she was sobbing into Hercules who was just hugging her tight. Alexander was staring into nothing in shock, Jefferson had planned to use his suicide to kill someone? That had to be one of the strangest things to happen to him since he had arrived at Yorktown. That was actually saying something.

“Alexander?” Alexander jumped slightly at Washington’s voice.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Well no, obviously not. But yeah.”

“You shouldn’t judge Thomas too harshly. He has been through a lot.”

“We’ve all been through a lot. I was just- just surprised he planned something.”

“That wasn’t a plan Alexander, that was him grasping at straws in an attempt to save his friends. I doubt he would have done it. Thomas is not a murderer.”

“He’s one of the only people I’ve met who has killed someone.”

“In self-defence.”

“Yeah. It’s weird though.” Alexander reached into his pocket and drew out the music player. He put one bud into his ear and stared off into nothing.

“We’re going back to Yorktown in a bit, Alexander.”

“When?”

“As soon as Thomas comes back.”

“I doubt he will.” Alexander pulled out his phone and selected Jefferson’s contact information.

**To: Macaroni fucker**

**Are you still at the courthouse?**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Did you go back to Yorktown?**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Talk to me asshole**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Maria’s worried about you**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**That plan was fucked from the start and you know it**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**If you wanted to do it then you should have framed it better**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Why would he take epilepsy medication?**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Should have got him to take pain meds or something**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Could have probably got some drugs**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Let him OD**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Would have been hard on Maria but still**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Or you could have faked a suicide**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**A more convincing one I mean**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**You seem like the kind of person who can forge handwriting**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**So you could have just hung him**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Made a suicide note**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**It would have been fine**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**I do have a point in all this btw**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**It doesn’t sound like you wanted to kill him**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Those were thoughts I just came up with. You had months to figure out a fool proof plan**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Instead you stole a pack of James’ meds**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**From me, I wanna add, asshole**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**It was so flawed it wouldn’t have worked**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**You know that as well**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**You wanted him dead I’m sure**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**I fucking want him dead now**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**But you weren’t going to kill him**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**So stop being melodramatic and respond to one of these texts**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**I swear to God Jefferson**

**To: Macaroni Fucker**

**Jefferson!**

Alexander glared at the screen before flicking over to a different contact.

**To: Bad life choices**

**Is Thomas with you?**

After a few minutes Alexander felt the phone vibrate in his pocket.

**From: Bad life choices**

**Yes. He’s okay, just a bit shaken up**

**To: Bad life choices**

**We’re coming back to Yorktown so he might want to stay upstairs for a bit**

**From: Bad life choices**

**Okay**

“Thomas is gone by the way.” Alexander said as he stood. Washington glanced at him in confusion and he just waved his phone. “He’s back home with James. Can we go now?”

“Okay.” Washington sighed. “Come on then.” The rest of them followed Washington back to the car. Hercules sat next to Maria in the back while Alexander sat in the front. Alexander noticed that Washington was watching Hercules warily in the back mirror.

Alexander paused his music and glanced at Hercules. He was staring off into nothing but he was shivering slightly.

“You cold, Herc?” Maria asked. “Herc?”

“What?” Hercules turned back to face her in confusion and blinked several times.

“Are you cold?” Washington asked. Hercules shrugged.

“Little bit. It’s not a problem.”

Washington hummed and turned the heating up. Alexander watched Hercules with a frown. The boy hunched in on himself and went back to staring out of the window. Maria snuck a hand into his and squeezed it. Alexander frowned as he saw the bruises lining his knuckles. He wondered when Hercules had been hitting someone.

 

When they arrived at Yorktown Hercules went upstairs to his room. Maria followed after a moment. Alexander walked up the stairs but rather than going up the next floor he walked to Jefferson’s door. He knocked and pushed the door open before he got an answer.

James and Jefferson were sat on the bed, half entwined in each other. Alexander frowned and Jefferson glared at him.

“What do you want?” Jefferson’s eyes were rimmed with red and he looked wrecked. James was pale, as he always was since he’d got back from the hospital.

“I want to help.” Alexander closed the door behind him.

“Fuck off.” Jefferson growled out. He curled into himself and sniffed quietly.

“I’m being serious. Look, I get that you have some kind of support system between the two of you but it isn’t enough.”

“You don’t have a clue.”

“Yeah I do, Thomas.”

“When did you start calling me Thomas?” Jefferson spat out. Alexander blinked in surprise. “Was it just about the time you realised you could use me if you wanted? That you saw- you saw that!”

“No. It was- it’s a name alright? I’ll call you Jefferson if you want.”

“Course you would think it’s just a name. Because you can’t think anything is different from your own experiences! Because-”

“Stop it, Thomas.” James’ soft voice spoke over both of them and they turned to him. “What do you want, Alexander?”

“I want to help. You know everything that’s going on in this house. When I found about Herc, about Maria, you knew. You knew that John was being hurt. You knew that Laf had gender problems before they told everyone else. You know everything about James. I want to help, Thomas. This isn’t something you should take on alone.”

“I don’t. I- I have-”

“You don’t have anyone.” James said softly. “I know how much you keep from me, Thomas. I know how much you don’t tell anyone. That’s not helping you.”

“I’m okay. I can cope with it.”

“You shouldn’t have to.” James shifted slightly as he spoke and Jefferson sighed.

“What do you need to know then?”

“How many houses have you been in?”

“I honestly don’t remember. My file’s somewhere but I don’t know.”

“Don’t worry. The files don’t even have the right info in them half the time.”

“What do you mean by that?” James asked. Alexander shrugged.

“Mine doesn’t have a date of birth.”

“At all?” James’ tone was incredulous but Alexander just nodded.

“The records got swept away and I just forgot. Not really sure how old I am. I’m just guessing.” Alexander huffed a laugh at that.

“I don’t have a surname.” Jefferson said softly. “I was abandoned. Not even my birth mother wanted me.” He sniffed and shrugged. “Figures.”

“No it doesn’t.” James chided quietly.

“Where did you get the name? Jefferson I mean.”

“A book my grandfather gave me. He told me a lot about the founding fathers. He was…” Jefferson trailed off. “He and my grandmother are the only parental figures that stayed.”

“Grandfather?”

“I was adopted almost instantly. As soon as I got out of the hospital I mean. I’d got hypothermia.”

“Well your birth mother sounds pretty shitty.” Alexander deadpanned. Jefferson huffed and nodded.

“I got adopted by the Miltons. They didn’t bother to tell me that I was adopted. Then they abandoned me.”

“What?”

“When I was ten they were going to have a kid. They couldn’t afford two so they put me up for adoption. My grandparents couldn’t afford to look after me. My grandfather suffered a series of strokes and- I- he died while I was in the first house. I didn’t go to his funeral. I just-” Jefferson took in a deep breath and half laughed. “Never thought I’d open up to Alexander fucking Hamilton.”

“I’ve opened up to you before. You need someone. You need-”

“I know I know.” Jefferson flapped his hand weakly and Alexander smiled.

“What happened after that?”

“Got moved around a lot. Abusive households. Protected a lot of people and got hurt a lot. It stopped when I- when I killed that man.”

“Allegedly?”

“Sure.” Jefferson grinned at that. “I knew one of the kids in that house. Kitty. I gave her my number and one day she called me. I went to protect her and I- I killed that man.” Thomas hunched in on himself. “It- that was-” He shuddered. “I’d never seen a dead body before. He was just- gone. Everything- he was six foot something and so loud and then suddenly he was empty. Everything that he had been was just gone.”

“It’s scary.” Alexander said softly. Jefferson shook his head.

“No kidding. I got sent to juvie after that for holding. I had the trial and I was acquitted. I was then sent to Yorktown.”

“You arrived in handcuffs.”

“One of the officers didn’t like me. Used to bait me into hitting him. I never did but he hurt me plenty. Made me wear the handcuffs when I got here despite the fact I hadn’t fought once.”

“How come abuse is so deeply ingrained in this society?”

“Because we’re still powerless.” Jefferson shrugged. “The rest of my story is that I was here.”

“Tell him the other bit.” James said softly. “Why you really killed that man.”

“No!” Jefferson exclaimed. James stared him down. “That’s-”

“He didn’t mean to kill that man because he didn’t mean to walk out alive.” James kept Jefferson’s gaze as he spoke and Jefferson looked away first.

“Fuck.” Alexander breathed out. “You wanted him to kill you?”

“Not-” Jefferson sighed as he tried to find the word. “I wanted to save those kids. The other kids that man would have eventually abused. I just- I wanted to make a difference.”

“You’re the one that lectures me on not letting the system work us down so we can be something someday. You’re the one who told me I shouldn’t waste my time in a bodega somewhere, that I should try to change the system!”

“Why should I care about the system if I’m never going to be in it?”

“Are you still suicidal?”

“Are you?”

“No. No I’m not. I had been for so long but I’m not. I don’t wanna die, Jefferson. Do you?”

“I- I don’t know.” Jefferson admitted quietly. “It’s- I don’t want to carry on but I don’t want to stop myself. I just want it to end.”

“When you say it…”

“My life. Me. Whatever.”

“That’s fucked up.” Alexander said it with resignation, not with anger, just as if he’d known what the answer would be before Jefferson said anything. “You have the chance to do anything, Jefferson. You shouldn’t throw your life, your shot, away.”

“I’m not about to throw away my shot, don’t worry. If I got my hands on a gun I wouldn’t miss.” Jefferson smiled a wry smile at that. There was silence for a moment before James hit him. Jefferson whirled around and met James’ unimpressed eyes.

“That’s not funny.”

“James-”

“I don’t know the care system like you two do, okay? I don’t know anything about it really. I do know what it’s like to be in pain. Maybe mine is physical and yours isn’t but still. I get wanting to give up but you can’t. None of us can. It’s not fair on anyone to give up. It wouldn’t be fair to me if I gave up. We’re teenagers. We still have so much to do, so much to grow. So don’t you dare make any more jokes about fucking suicide!”

“Okay.” Jefferson nodded. “God, when did our lives become a series of deep conversations?”

“As someone who’s lived here for over a decade, it’s never been anything else.”

“What happened to you?” Alexander asked. James glanced at him before he spoke.

“My parents moved to town and I was running a fever. They went to get me some meds and they crashed. Turns out it was meningitis. No-one knew I was there for a few days. When they figured it out I got sent to hospital. My leg was amputated and they worked out I had epilepsy because of the meningitis. They’ve put me on different meds through my life but none of them work fully. I’m on three different meds right now just for the epilepsy. Antibiotics for the surgery and painkillers.”

“Wow.” Alexander blinked in surprise. “You really got a shitty hand.”

“I think everyone did.”

“You’ve lived here for over a decade?” There was something odd in Jefferson’s tone but James just nodded.

“Why’s that tone of voice?”

“I don’t know. I just- just hadn’t thought about that I guess.”

“I had a pretty stable childhood. Half the time here and half the time in hospital.” James chuckled wryly. “Had a few other medical problems. Most of them didn’t stick around luckily. Luckily I’ve only ever had one cancer scare.”

“When?”

James gestured to his head where there was still a bandage.

“What does it look like?” Alexander asked. Jefferson frowned at that.

“Messy.” James admitted. He reached a hand up and began to unwind the bandages. When they had dropped down Alexander hissed.

James’ head was still a mess. The hair hadn’t grown back and he hadn’t cut the rest of his hair which made it even more noticeable. The actual incision site had stitches outlining just where they’d cut into him. The cut was dark with the blood trying to knit the skin back together.

“It’s going to be a cool scar at least.” James half joked. He moved and winced.

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked. James nodded.

“I can- I can feel it stretching. Just like normal skin but it’s just-” James shrugged, “weird.”

“Wow.” Alexander scoffed. “You’ve been through a fuck ton.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I have.” James’ expression turned sour and he scoffed. “About to go through a hell of a lot more.”

“What do you mean?” Alexander asked in confusion.

“I might be sent away. Washington wasn’t sure if Yorktown could look after me anymore.”

“First off, that’s bullshit, second off, it’s working fine now, thirdly-”

“Of course you’d argue in numbers.” Jefferson muttered quietly. Alexander shot him a look but didn’t bother to say anything back.

“You haven’t had any problems so far.”

“I’ve been back three days. I’ve only had one full day. I- I’m hoping Washington won’t do it but…”

“I won’t let that happen.” Alexander stated. “I- what?” He broke off as he saw Jefferson staring at him in confusion.

“That’s what Thomas told me.” James supplied with a smile. “I told you that you were similar.”

“That’s beside the point.” Jefferson scoffed.

“We’re nothing alike.” Alexander huffed out, glaring at Jefferson.

“Did I ruin the moment?” James asked dryly. “Look, I don’t care what you two think. Thomas, you- you don’t talk to people. You don’t let anyone in. You just told Alexander everything. You need someone other than me. I think you need Alexander.”

“I’m willing to listen.” Alexander shrugged. “I can try to help.”

“And then spill all of our dirty secrets to the world?”

“Well fuck you too.” The words had no bite to them and Alexander was half smiling. “I’ve learnt not to do that. Character development, remember? It was dumb. I’d never do that again. Never.”

“Good.”

Alexander nodded and Jefferson offered him a small smile.

“Next time you feel overwhelmed you can come to me. Same for you James. I’ll be here.” Alexander walked out of the room at that. James frowned and turned to Jefferson.

“Did he mean he’s be here for us or he’d be at Yorktown?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe we’ve finally tamed the stray tomcat.”

“Really?”

“He told me not to call him petit lion. Blame him.”

James groaned before he smiled.

“It’s nice to think he might be sticking around. Don’t you think?”

“Nope. I hate him, remember?”

“Theoretically sure.”

“You can’t theoretically hate someone!”

“And yet you manage it. Admit it Thomas, you like him. He’s a good person.”

“He’s Hamilton.”

“And you just had a conversation with him. He’s told you everything apparently. He cares about you Thomas and as much as you want to argue, you care about him as well.”

“Begrudgingly.” Jefferson admitted in a mumble. James chuckled.

“You’re incorrigible.”


	64. If Somebody Tries To Lay You Low, Let It Go

Hercules stared down at the breakfast in front of him. It was Saturday, meaning there wasn’t a trial. It had ended with Jefferson’s damning testimony. Hercules was glad it had cut off there, what Ms Duke had accused Jefferson of had made Hercules feel sick. To indicate that he was in on it the whole time, that he had actually assisted Reynolds, it was heart wrenching.

“Salut!” Lafayette bounced into the room, grinning. Hercules smiled softly as he saw that Lafayette’s nails were painted.

“Pro-nouns?” Hercules asked as he gestured for Lafayette to sit down.

“She and her please.”

“Okay.” Hercules smiled and he saw some of her tension dissipate. “It’s okay, Laf. Your rules, your pro-nouns.”

“Oui. I know.” Lafayette picked up her fork and began to dig into her meal. “Are you going to eat?”

“Not that hungry, Laf.” Hercules continued to poke at his food but didn’t make a move to eat anything. Lafayette paused and glanced at Maria who was sat across from the two. Maria looked sad but just shrugged when Lafayette looked at her.

“Are you sure?” Lafayette asked gently. Hercules sighed.

“I don’t need to eat, Laf. I’m not hungry.”

“You do need to eat, mon amour. It is a vital function, non?” Lafayette chuckled gently and Hercules huffed a laugh.

“For you, then.” Hercules turned back to his plate and sighed. If he wanted to keep this control then it would have to come back up. He poured water into his cup and took a long drink. He wasn’t quite aware as Maria and Lafayette stared at him.

Hercules then forced himself to take a bite, forced himself to ignore how his stomach cried out for more while it simultaneously cried against how much he was forcing into it. Every few mouthfuls he drank another glass of water. By the time he was done he felt sick, beyond sick. The water jug was also empty.

“I’ll go get more.” Hercules mumbled. He stood and walked to the kitchen and put the jug on the side. He then walked straight to the bathroom. He carefully made sure to lock the door behind him before he got onto his knees.

He wanted to laugh at that. Reynolds or not he was still on his knees feeling sick.

Hercules didn’t let himself think too far down that train of thought as he thrust two fingers into his throat. His gag reflex reacted immediately and he leant over the toilet and just let the food expel itself from his body. The burning was almost comforting. It hurt like hell but it was cleansing. He was being cleansed of the filth that had accumulated because he’d let people touch him again and again without caring.

The burning fire helped with the memories and helped him maintain control in one fell swoop, with two fingers pushing back far enough into his throat.

When he was done, he stood. The world tilted oddly for a moment and he braced himself against the wall as it slowly calmed down. His head was still spinning but he forced himself forwards. He scrubbed his hands clean and glared down at the cuts he’d just opened up along his knuckles. It was getting more and more difficult to hide this way of control.

He’d read stuff online, had researched it. He knew he could train himself to throw up on cue, to not even bother with his fingers. He’d decided he was going to try that at some point.

Hercules then walked out of the bathroom as if nothing had happened. He grabbed the water jug and an apple. He bit into the apple, ignoring the scream in his head.

Fifty-three calories.

That wasn’t too much.

Hercules walked back into the room to see Lafayette and Maria whispering to each other. As he walked in they both stopped and he raised an eyebrow.

“Were you talking about me?”

“No darling, course not. Just worried how long you were taking.”

“Got side tracked.” Hercules held the apple up and Lafayette smiled. She had her theories and worries but seeing Hercules choose to eat food was amazing and let many of her worries subside for a moment. “What are we doing today?”

“I have homework.” Lafayette answered, sighing as she did. “Unfortunately.”

“One of the upsides of being in a trial darling, no school.” Maria laughed for a moment before it stopped. She ran a hand through her hair and Hercules noted that he should probably cut it again soon.

It was long enough to grab again.

“Well unfortunately I still have work.” Lafayette sighed and slumped against Hercules. Hercules flinched back in surprise but then just shifted to accommodate her. After a moment he began to run a hand through her hair.

“I’ll be able to help you, Laf.” Hercules paused before he kissed Lafayette on her forehead. Lafayette tilted her head to see him and smiled at her.

“I am not sure how much work we would get done.”

Hercules paused at that. Did Lafayette mean…

“I did not mean sex, mon amour. Do not worry.” Lafayette took one of Hercules’ hands. “I- well, that is not a conversation for now.”

“That- that’s not going to be a conversation for a long time.” Hercules admitted quietly. Lafayette nodded in understanding.

“I am here, mon petit chou. It does not matter.”

“What does that mean? Haven’t heard you use it before.” As he spoke Hercules set down the barely eaten apple onto Lafayette’s empty plate.

“It is a term of endearment.” Lafayette frowned as she searched for an equivalent.

“It means cabbage.” Alexander butted in. Lafayette shot him a look and he just shrugged. “It does!”

“You just called me your little cabbage?” Hercules clarified. “Wh-what?”

“It is a common expression!” Lafayette pulled back slightly and stared around the table as if in horror. “None of you have heard it?”

“Well that means they must be savages.” Jefferson clicked his tongue as he sat down. “Not knowing simply French terms, I mean! Can you believe that, James?”

“Somehow, yeah.” James sat down slowly and smiled at Jefferson. Some of his movements were still a bit clunky but he seemed a lot better. He was sleeping most of the time and even when he was awake he was often tired.

“Hey Laf,” Jefferson called out, “pro-nouns?”

“She and her.” Lafayette’s voice was stronger that time, as if she was more sure of herself.

“Okay.”

“Hey Laf, I’m done now. I can try to help with your homework if you want.”

“That would be excellent, mon amour.” Lafayette jumped to her feet, grinning broadly. Hercules chuckled and stood. For a moment the world spun and he had to steady himself. Lafayette’s grin dropped from her face and she stared at him.

“Are you okay, Herc?” Jefferson asked. Hercules nodded which did nothing for the room spinning around him.

“Head rush.”

“Are you sure, mon amour? You look pale.”

“It’s nothing. Come on.” Hercules picked up his empty plate and walked out of the room. He didn’t spot the nervous looks cast behind his back.

When they had dropped off the plates they walked upstairs and into Lafayette’s room. Hercules closed the door behind them which Lafayette noted but said nothing about.

“What are you having problems with?” Hercules crouched down next to the desk as Lafayette opened her textbook.

“This bit.”

 

Hercules helped Lafayette as much as he could for the next hour. He couldn’t quite concentrate and she noticed quite early on. It was at the hour that she closed the book.

“Come. What is troubling you?”

“It’s nothing, Laf.”

“I do not believe you.” Lafayette slid off the chair onto the floor next to Hercules. “Tell me.” Hercules stared at her for a moment before he smiled.

“It’s nothing, Laf.” Hercules leant forwards and kissed her on the cheek. Lafayette ignored the voice in her head telling her to kiss him back, to deepen any kiss he gave her. It wasn’t fair on him. If she even mentioned the fact that she wanted more it wouldn’t be fair. He was working through some hellish stuff and she wasn’t going to be the one to make him regress.

“I would believe that more if you did not have to kiss me to make me believe.”

“That’s not-” Hercules looked down and Lafayette curled a finger under his chin, gently lifting it. Every touch she made, every touch she always made, could be escaped from or stopped.

“Tell me the truth?”

“The trial.” Hercules answered. A half answer was better than nothing after all. “It’s- it’s a mess. Jefferson has derailed it entirely. What if they ignore everything that he says?”

“They cannot. Even if Thomas was a convicted criminal it does not mean he could not testify. His innocence has nothing to do with Reynolds. Reynolds is an evil man. Thomas tries to convince the world of such he is the same but he is not.”

“Reynolds might get away.”

“He shall not. Do not worry, mon amour, please.”

“What if-” Hercules sighed. “No. You’re right. There’s no point.” Hercules couldn’t control that but the emptiness in his gut helped to soothe that worry. He didn’t know what would happen but he knew what had happened; he’d been strong enough to force his stomach into submission.

“Thank you.” Lafayette took Hercules’ hand and Hercules squeezed it gently. They sat in silence for a moment before Lafayette spoke up again. “Hercules would you-” She broke off and bit her lip.

“Go on.”

“I- I wish to…” Lafayette trailed off and shifted uncomfortably. Hercules turned to face her and smiled.

“It’s okay Laf.”

“I wish to wear something different.” Lafayette said softly. Hercules frowned but nodded.

“Okay… do you want me to leave the room? Or do- do you mean you want me to stay while…” Hercules trailed off, confused.

“Non. I-” Lafayette sighed. “Your Christmas present.” Lafayette’s head drooped and she hunched in on herself. “Th-that is what I wish to wear.” Hercules smiled gently. He copied Lafayette’ movement from a few minutes before and tilted her head up. He leant forwards and quickly and gently kissed her lips. When he pulled back Lafayette was staring at him, mouth half open. He smiled.

“That’s fine, Laf.”

“You do not-”

“We’ve been through this. I want you to be happy, Laf. If that means wearing dresses then that’s fine. If you want- hell, Laf, look at me.” Hercules sighed. “You know what I’ve done. You know what- what people have done to me. What I- I let them do.” Hercules took in a deep breath. “I- I let them do anything. I let them dirty me and- then just throw me aside. I let that happen, Laf. You accept that. That I- I’m this.” Hercules looked down. “I love you, Laf. What you wear, what you identify as, none of that changes how I feel about you.”

“You are an idiot, Hercules.” Lafayette said softly. Hercules looked up and Lafayette was frowning, face sorrowful. “You are beautiful.” Lafayette leant forwards and paused just before she touched Hercules. She hesitated for a moment before she kissed him lightly. “None of that matters to me.”

“Thank you.” Hercules took in a deep breath and offered her a shaky smile. “You should get it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure, Laf.” Hercules’ smile grew stronger as Lafayette stood. She walked to her wardrobe and pulled out the dress on its hanger. She stared at it in wonder for several long moments before she glanced back at Hercules as if in fear.

“Hercules-”

“I’ll close my eyes.” Hercules put his hands over his eyes. He heard Lafayette continue to move around. He smiled as he realised that he caused this, he was the one who spotted the dress, had convinced Lafayette that it was okay. He was the one who had encouraged Lafayette to feel more comfortable in herself.

Hercules froze as he was dragged out of his thoughts. He heard a zipper being pulled down and in an instant he was on his feet, heart pounding. Lafayette turned to him in confusion just as black dots forced their way into his sight and he collapsed back to the floor, unconscious.

 

“Hercules! Hercules!”

Hercules groaned weakly as he heard his voice being called. He opened one eye and saw Jefferson above him. He closed his eye again and continued to groan.

“Est-ce qu'il va bien se passer? S'il vous plaît, dites-lui qu'il va bien Thomas! J'ai besoin qu'il soit bien. Je ne voulais pas le faire! Je ne sais même pas ce que j'ai fait. Et s'il est malade comme James?”

“Calm down, Laf.” Jefferson said softly. “He’s not going to be sick like James. Look, he’s waking up.” Hercules groaned in answer to that. “Come on, Herc.”

“Urgh.” Hercules groaned out. He opened his eyes and saw Lafayette above him. She was crying and her shirt was off, showing the medley of ugly scars across her chest. “Hey, Laf.”

“Salut, mon amour.” Lafayette whispered out as she crouched down next to him. “How are you feeling?”

“Shitty.” Hercules sat up.

“Whoa, take a moment.” Jefferson didn’t touch Hercules but he held his hands up in a placating gesture. “You just fainted.”

“Did I?” Hercules mumbled out. His brain wasn’t feeling right, as if it was full of cotton wool.

“Oui. We did not know why. It was scary.”

“Do you have a history of fainting?”

“Not really.” Hercules ignored the times he’d collapsed since he got control of his life, they didn’t count.

“Has this happened recently?”

“No. I’ve just been feeling weird today. It’s fine, Jefferson.”

“I guess. If it happens again then tell me okay?”

“I will.” Hercules offered Jefferson a faint smile which didn’t seem to persuade him.

Jefferson sat back, not looking convinced in any way. “Well, I’d better go.” He stood and stretched. “By the way, why the fuck is Laf half-naked?”

Hercules glanced around the room for the dress but didn’t see it. Lafayette looked at her hands.

“I was- I was going to wear my dress. Then Hercules collapsed.”

“Why?”

“I-” Hercules sighed. “It was dumb. I just- I was covering my eyes and I heard a zipper.” Hercules sighed. “It- it brought back memories I wanted buried.”

“Mon amour…”

“It’s okay, Laf. I didn’t even think about it. Didn’t-” Hercules shrugged. “Didn’t occur to me.”

“I’m gonna go now.” Jefferson’s voice was even but Hercules could see how stiff he was, how angry he was. He nodded numbly and Jefferson strode from the room. Lafayette slowly sat down next to Hercules.

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“The-there’s not much to talk about. Just-” Hercules sighed. “Sometimes there’d be a blindfold. Sometimes it would hurt. Sometimes it would hurt a lot. I just- I guess I got the things mixed up in my head.”

“Surely you have heard that before though.”

“When I’m doing it sure. I haven’t been around other people when they’re taking off their clothes. Honestly didn’t realise it would do something.”

“Can I hug you?” Lafayette asked softly. Hercules nodded and felt her warm arms around him. “I am so sorry, mon amour for not thinking. I should have considered that-”

“You have no way of knowing. I don’t wanna talk about it so you don’t know.”

“If you do want to tell me then I wish to listen. I do not want to do anything to hurt you. Not even accidently.”

“Thank you.” Hercules pressed a kiss to Lafayette’s knuckles which made her giggle. “Now go get changed.”

“Will you- will you be okay?”

“I’m going to look away, not cover my eyes. I- it should work out.”

“Okay.” Lafayette stood and Hercules shuffled around. He felt a rustling as Lafayette pulled the dress out. When he heard the zipper he forced himself to breathe. As nothing happened he felt himself relax.

“Are you okay, mon amour?”

“Yeah, Laf. I’m good. Are you done?”

“Well- please turn.”

Hercules turned to Lafayette and smiled gently. She was standing awkwardly and the dress didn’t really fit her. It didn’t match her body where it should and bulged out where it shouldn’t. In his eyes she was beautiful.

“I- uh, I need help.” Lafayette gestured to her back and Hercules scoffed. A zipper.

“I’ve got this.” Hercules pulled the zipper up and then paused as Lafayette pulled her hair out of the way. He kissed her neck and stepped back. “It fits.”

“Mostly.” Lafayette shrugged but she couldn’t keep the grin off her face. “It- it is so good. I cannot even explain.”

“It’s okay. I don’t need you to explain.”

“Thank you, Hercules.” Lafayette stepped forwards and hugged him gently. When she pulled back she had to sniff gently.

“Hey, don’t cry, it’ll ruin your make-up.”

“Oui.”

“You know,” Hercules stared at the dress and bit his lip, “I could actually make this fit.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I adjusted most of my siblings’ clothes. I might need some stuff but I’ve probably got most of it.”

“You will make it fit fully?”

“Yeah.” Hercules smiled as Lafayette let out an almost squeal. “I could make you a dress if I-” Hercules broke off and shook his head. “Ignore me.”

“What?”

“I used to have this idea I’d be a tailor or dressmaker when I grew up.”

“When did you stop thinking that?”

Hercules’ face turned melancholic at that.

“I guess… I dunno. At some point.”

“Before him?”

“About that time.” Hercules coughed and frowned as if he was trying to make sure emotions wouldn’t overwhelm him. “Yeah. About that time.”

“I am sorry.”

“It’s not a problem. I knew it wasn’t going to happen by that point. It doesn’t bring in much money. No point.”

“Would you love the job?”

“I hope so.”

“Then it is worth it.”

“I don’t know if it’s worth working an extra job to keep afloat for. I know you’re trying to help, Laf but just- it’s a hobby now. It’s fun but it was never going to get me anywhere. But I’ll fix that dress up.”

“Thank you.” Lafayette muttered. Hercules put a hand into her hair and began to stroke through it again. She curled into him and they just sat there, entwined. Hercules pressed a kiss to Lafayette’s forehead as he realised he was comfortable staying like this. He was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW I know this fic is really lacking in the lams department but just like... Lams shippers look forward to next chapter


	65. And I Pray, That Never Used To Happen Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so as a heads up this chapter talks about religion. It goes into Alexander and John's thoughts on their personal religions and how their life has shaped that. I don't mean to offend and honestly this chapter is like 90% fluff (or just about the most fluff we have left in this fic.)

Alexander stared up at the ceiling. He knew that when Monday came he’d have to attend court, would have to swear by the pamphlet that he’d come to hate. He’d spent Saturday and Sunday ignoring it but it all caught up to him as he tried to sleep.

He just couldn’t.

The headphones in his ears didn’t help calm him down and he couldn’t stop thinking. Possibilities ran over each other until he had no idea what to think. He might mess it up but then again he might not, he might be able to give the right piece of evidence.

That kind of thought just led him back to the pamphlet and everything that had come from that. It had been a heavy handed attempt to help. He had meant it to help. He was pretty sure that had been his original intent.

He didn’t remember anymore.

Alexander sighed and stood, not bothering with trying to get back to sleep. He could tell that it was too far away to reach for just then. He dithered for a moment before he slipped down the stairs to get a glass of water.

As he walked down the first flight of stairs his headphones slipped out. He cursed and reached for then but then paused. He could hear someone crying softly. He stuffed his headphones into his pockets and walked along the corridor.

The sobs were quiet as if they were being muffled on purpose. Alexander scowled at that as he continued down the hall. He eventually found the right door and knocked gently. The sobs cut off immediately.

“John,” Alexander called softly through the door, “can I come in?”

His answer was given when the door swung open to reveal John. His eyes were red rimmed and he looked exhausted but he offered Alexander a shaky smile.

“Can I come in?” Alexander asked again. John nodded and opened the door further. Alexander slipped inside and sat down on the desk chair. John sat down on his bed and sniffed, wiping away at his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” John mumbled out. Alexander raised an eyebrow.

“Gonna call bullshit there. Come on John, you can trust me.”

“I-” John broke off and shook his head. “Can I?”

“Yes. You-” Alexander sighed. “That was stupid, John. I get that. I get how bad that pamphlet was. I understand how much danger it put you in and that- I was stupid okay? I wouldn’t do it again.”

“Okay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Had a dream.”

“A nightmare?”

“A dream. About my mom.”

“Your-” Alexander frowned. He didn’t remember hearing anything about the woman. “You don’t talk about her much.”

“Because when she left ev-everything went to shit.” John scowled as he stuttered. “It jus-just fell ap-part. He h-he start-t-ted to-” John stopped and curled in on himself. Alexander frowned.

“Did she protect you?”

John shook his head.

“N-never happened when sh-she was there.”

“But when she left…” John nodded and Alexander sighed. “That fucking sucks.”

“I want to remember her well but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can just remember him. I just-” John shook his head.

“You know all that bullshit he told you isn’t true. You know that.”

“It feels like it does. It- I’m gay, Alexander.” John still said it as if it was a confession of guilt and that made Alexander’s heart ache. “The stuff my dad said. I- maybe he’d right.”

“He’s not.”

“What if I do burn in hell?” John’s voice was quiet and Alexander sighed. He moved and sat next to John. He didn’t try to touch John, just sat there thinking.

“I’ve had a lot of people tell me stuff like that.” Alexander’s voice was soft. “What I’ve figured out is that you just have to work out if that’s the God you want.”

“What?”

“My mama was religious, my brother was religious, my cousin was religious, they were all religious. My mama died praying. My cousin asked God to forgive him. My brother-” Alexander shook his head. “The uh- the body, it- he was holding a rosary. Everyone goes to God when they’re scared. I don’t anymore. I figured- well, it didn’t help them.”

“I’m not exactly religious Alexander. I’m gay.”

“Doesn’t stop you from being religious. Do you believe in God?”

“I- I guess?” John half asked. Alexander nodded.

“Do you want a God who’d send Herc to hell for what he’s done?”

“No!”

“What Herc did, it breaks a lot of religious laws. He’s told us almost nothing about it and we know that. He’s gay. Laf’s- well, whatever Laf is. That breaks a lotta religious laws. Jefferson has killed someone. James is sick.”

“What does that-”

“People used to think that illness was a sign that the child was unworthy in some way. Some religions say they were evil in a previous life.”

“James?”

“Exactly. He isn’t a bad person. What we’ve done and what’s been done to us. That’s got nothing to do with God. You’re a good person, John. You’ve got a big heart and you care so fucking much. Do you think your God cares more about who you wanna fuck?”

“When did you lose your faith?”

“When I got to America. There was ignorance and resistance and- and when I prayed to God no-one answered. So I- I fought back. I survived and didn’t let myself think if there was a God. If there was then I didn’t want one to exist, not one who was okay with all the shit that’s happened. If there isn’t then I’m glad.”

“So when you die you just- you just want it to be over?”

“I’m going to make my mark on the world. I’m going to work like fucking hell to do it. I’m going to leave a legacy and make sure people can’t forget me. That’s my afterlife, John.”

John stared at Alexander in the moonlight and smiled softly. He was on fire, he was a blazing beacon warding the world away. He was strength and courage and everything John used to be.

“I’m not sure I want to believe in a God either.”

“But do you?”

“Yeah.” John sighed. “Yeah I do.”

“If he does send you to hell don’t worry, there’s no fucking way I’m getting to heaven.”

John chuckled gently at that and Alexander grinned.

“I used to wish my mom was in heaven.” John admitted quietly. Alexander frowned. “When- when she left. Then she- she wouldn’t have abandoned me. I wanted her to be dead rather than leave me there. Does that- does that make me a bad person?”

“No.”

“But-”

“You were trapped in an abusive household, of course you wanted something more.”

“Do you think your mom…” John trailed off, not sure how he was going to end his sentence. Alexander seemed to know as he dropped his head.

“I-” Alexander shrugged. “I hope my mama found what she was looking for. I hope they all did.”

“I thought we promised that we could have conversations which weren’t just about our traumatising pasts.” John mumbled out. He saw confusion cross Alexander’s face before he continued. “When you found the glass in my back.”

“Oh yeah.” Alexander smiled gently. “We do have some conversations which aren’t about our trauma.”

“Not enough.” John muttered. He wiped away the rest of his tears and turned to face Alexander. He didn’t want to think any more about his mother, her soft touches and warm smile. She’d always been upset when he’d been hurt and had scolded his father. John wondered a lot what would have happened if she hadn’t abandoned him.

“We’ve had some at least. I mean-” Alexander frowned. “Look at how many conversations I have with Washington which aren’t him telling me off.”

“That’s because you’re always in trouble.”

“Not always.”

“Yeah. Yeah you are.”

“Only sometimes.”

John scoffed and they fell into silence. He was confused when Alexander didn’t do anything to fill it. He didn’t start to fiddle or talk, just sat still.

“What are we?” Alexander asked softly. John tensed and turned to him. Alexander sighed and shook his head. “John, if that- if that pamphlet had never happened I would- I would want to kiss you right now. I understand that it may have irrevocably broken any hope of a relationship but it didn’t break our friendship. Not permanently, anyway. I just- what are we?”

“We’re friends.” John didn’t seem to be able to tear his gaze from Alexander. Alexander was staring at him mournfully.

“Just friends?”

John opened his mouth to agree, to say it was obvious. They weren’t more than friends, hadn’t been since that pamphlet. Not since Alexander had taken his deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret and exposed it to the world. John hated the part of him that wanted to kiss Alexander, it was the same part of him Alexander had exposed and he was doing everything he could to hide it again.

“Just friends.” John stated. Alexander looked away and John felt something tug at his heart. He wants to push Alexander away, punish him more for what he did.

John also had a bad feeling that he was punishing himself by pushing Alexander away.

“For now.” John added quietly. Alexander stared at him in disbelief, mouth opening slightly in astonishment. “I- I don’t know.” John shrugged. Alexander frowned but nodded. “You probably shouldn’t wait for me though. It’s gonna-”

“I’ll wait.” Alexander spoke over John. “I’d wait forever for you, John. You know what I think of you. I wrote it all down.”

“You wrote a suicide note.” John corrected softly.

“I wrote everything you needed to know and everything I wanted you to know. The ones I gave out weren’t suicide notes. The suicide notes were the first draft. It was-” Alexander huffed gently. “They were a lot shorter.”

“Please don’t do that again.” John whispered. “I don’t care what you think about the afterlife. I don’t know if I’d cope without you here. I- I need you, Alexander. I…” John trailed off. How was it fair to ask Alexander to stay but then not give him anything in return? He needed Alexander but he couldn’t let him back in, couldn’t open himself up to that much hurt again.

“Okay.”

“Wh-what?”

“I fucked up, John. I know how much. I- well I probably don’t know how much, to be honest. You deserve everything John. You deserve a hell of a lot more than me. If you’re telling me to wait then obviously I’m going to fucking wait.”

“You-”

“I’m not suicidal, John. Not anymore.”

“What changed?”

“I don’t know. I-” Alexander frowned. “I wasn’t ever, really. I mean- it- I just wanted to get out. I wanted it to be over. I don’t anymore. I’m-” Alexander shrugged. “I’m- it feels like I’m not going to be kicked out tomorrow. I’m not going to be forgotten anymore. I’m real again. People won’t just ignore me but they could. I’m not forcing them to notice me but they do anyway.”

“You’re home.” John whispered. Alexander frowned.

“Didn’t hear that.”

“Nothing.” John gazed at Alexander in amazement as it sunk in. The boy who had fought so violently against everything, knew he was safe. He was willing to dedicate time to John. The first time they’d met, Alexander had admitted he might run away that night, might not even see John the next day. Alexander had just said he was ready to wait for as long as it took.

“You should get back to sleep.” Alexander stood.

“Alexander-” John broke off with a frown. He didn’t know how to explain what had just happened.

“Yeah?”

“…”

“John?”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Alexander smiled, that small soft smile that was coming out more often. It wasn’t the feral snarl he’d first had, it was much softer and John was sure that he was the subject of most of them. John felt that tug at his heart but he just offered a smile back.

The two slept much better that night.

 

When morning rolled around, Alexander’s nerves came back full force. He knew that everyone else could feel it and they kept on sneaking him glances. John was sat next to him at the breakfast table, Hercules on his other side. They were both talking to each other but Alexander couldn’t quite make himself focus on the conversation.

He was tired of sitting around a breakfast table being scared of what was coming next. The food in front of him didn’t entice him, despite the voice in his head yelling at him to eat it before it was taken away. He shushed that voice, knowing that his food wasn’t going to be taken away in Yorktown.

“You okay?” Hercules asked softly. Alexander glanced at him and shrugged.

“Dunno.”

“Trial?”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll be fine.” Hercules reassured with a smile. Alexander frowned.

“What? You- you’ve been worried about everyone else. Why not me?”

“Alexander, you’ve already testified. Your testimony is the basis of the trial! The damn Reynolds pamphlet _is_ this trial.” Hercules shrugged. “I don’t really know what they could ask you to undermine you.”

“I didn’t think they could undermine Jefferson!”

“Well, have you killed someone?”

Alexander remained silent and Hercules smiled.

“It’ll be fine.” As Hercules spoke, he rose and picked up his empty plate. “I’ll be back in a moment.” Alexander nodded as he left and sighed. He let his head drop to the table and he let out a long sigh. He heard Burr chuckle slightly from across the table.

“Shut up, Aaron.” Alexander grumbled. Burr took in a sudden breath before he spoke again, each word precise and even as if half forced.

“When are you leaving?”

“Hour or two.” Alexander mumbled into the table. “Fucking sucks.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

“If Jefferson’s testimony didn’t mess it up then yours won’t. We have to believe in the judiciary system.”

“This isn’t the system!” Alexander’s head shot up as he stared at Burr. “It’s a group of people whose only qualification is that they haven’t met us before! We don’t know their backgrounds!”

“But the people in charge of this do. The jury aren’t just random people.” Burr stared at Alexander and began to smile, a real smile for once. “They represent the people of America and the people of the state we’re in. They represent far more than they know. They uphold the values they grew up with but the values are then balanced across the number of people there are. It reaches an equilibrium where the values which are the strongest aren’t about one person’s upbringing, it’s about the America values which we all hold at the core of our being. It-” The door opened and Burr immediately fell silent. Washington walked into the room and Burr’s gaze flickered back down to his food. Alexander frowned at that.

“Do you think we have America values in general?”

“Excuse me?” Washington asked.

“No, Aaron. Do you believe there are general values of being American?”

“It’s something a lot of people believe in.”

“Do you?”

“I-” Burr paused and glanced to Hercules. “I think,” each word was chosen carefully as Burr continued. “That if we don’t have general values we couldn’t be a society.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do we condone murder?”

“No.”

“That’s a value then.”

“That’s an ethic.”

“What’s the difference?” Burr shrugged and stood. “As I said, it’s an interesting argument.” Before Alexander could say anything else Burr left the room. Alexander turned to John in confusion. John just shrugged.

“I’ve never seen him talk that much.”

“Me neither.” Alexander grinned. “He’s actually good at arguing!”

“Of course you’d like that.” John scoffed. “As if you don’t already have enough people to argue with.”

 

When Alexander was commanded to swear on the Bible he stared at it for several seconds. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry as the previous night’s conversation drifted into his mind once more.

“I don’t want to swear on that.” Alexander said. Jefferson rolled his eyes from the crowd as Alexander was led through the alternative. When he was done, Ms Duke walked up. Alexander met her gaze evenly as she approached.

“State your name for the court.”

“Alexander Hamilton.”

“And is that your real name or do we have another orphan?”

“It’s my name.” Alexander gritted out. Ms Duke raised an eyebrow at the half of her question he hadn’t answered.

“When did you first learn about the alleged accusations against my client?”

“When I heard Jefferson, Maria and Herc talking about it.”

“And that’s Thomas Jefferson, Maria Lewis and Hercules Mulligan?”

“Yes.”

“Did any of them know you were listening?”

“No.”

“How can you be sure they were telling the truth?”

“Because Jefferson then told me everything the next day when I confronted him.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it possible he was lying to you?”

“I don’t know what he’d have to gain from it.”

“But you think it’s a possibility?”

“Anything’s a possibility. I don’t think it’s a probability.”

“You think Thomas tells the truth all the time?”

“No. I think he was telling me the truth then.”

“Did you write down everything that you knew?”

“Yes.”

“Was there anything that you wrote which wasn’t true?”

“No.” Alexander didn’t even pause before his answer. He was committed. “Everything I wrote down was the truth to the best of my knowledge at the time.”

“At the time?”

“At the time.”

The woman narrowed her eyes but nodded.

“No further questions.” Alexander grinned at that. He’d finally beaten the woman back. He wasn’t quite sure why it was him that had managed it rather than someone who hadn’t actually lied.

“I have no questions either.” Mr Dean said and the judge nodded.

“Alexander, you may leave the stand.”

Alexander walked back to Washington who smiled at him proudly. Alexander felt something warm bloom in his chest at that and he grinned back.

“I’d like to call a break. Afterwards Maria Lewis will take the stand.”

Maria glanced nervously at Jefferson. Jefferson smiled back in reassurance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I am amazed that no-one has yet called me out on the lawyer's names. Guys, gals, pals, I am not inventive. Every OC in this fic is named after someone and I'm not subtle about it.


	66. You Remember You Belong To Me

Maria stood at the stand and tried to ignore how much her hands were shaking. Ms Duke stepped forwards with a smirk on her face. Maria clenched her fists to try and stop them from shaking. It didn’t help.

“State your name for the court.”

“Maria Lewis.”

“You were the foster child of Mr Reynolds, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“When did you first meet Reynolds?”

“On one of my first days at school. He pulled me into a classroom. Started talking about how I had a power I needed to control.”

“Did he have sex with you?”

“Yeah. I got fostered by him not long after.”

“Did the sex continue?”

“Yeah. Most nights. Sometimes more.”

“Did you want it?”

“No. I never wanted it.” Maria shuddered slightly. Ms Duke nodded and stood.

“Did you ever say no?”

“Not- not really.”

“Not really?”

“One time.” Maria shrugged. “He pushed me down the stairs after.”

“Apart from that time, did you ever indicate that you didn’t want to have sex?”

“I- I-” Maria glanced at Jefferson who was glaring at Ms Duke. “I dunno.”

“Well then,” Ms Duke obviously didn’t believe Maria and Maria flinched back. “Did you ever begin the sex?”

“Yeah. Couple times.”

“Did you give him any indication that you didn’t want it?”

“No.” Maria curled in on herself.

“Were you ever drugged?”

“No.”

“So, you didn’t fight back, you initiated it and you didn’t ask it to stop. How do you expect anyone to believe that it was rape?”

“I- I don’t know.” Maria whispered.

“Speak up.”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know if Hercules ever said no?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know if Hercules ever initiated a sexual encounter?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t seem to know a lot.”

Maria shrugged, curling in on herself. Ms Duke stared at her for a moment longer before she nodded.

“What were you doing the first time you met Mr Reynolds?”

“I- I was kissing Tommy.”

“How long had you known him?”

“I- I hadn’t.”

“Do you often kiss people you don’t know?”

“I- sometimes. Not-not-”

“Do you often sleep with people you don’t know?”

“Objection!” Mr Dean finally stood and glared at Ms Duke. “Intimidation of the witness.”

“Upheld. Ms Duke, finish your examination or choose a new line of questioning.”

“I have no more questions.” Ms Duke admitted. She sat back down and Mr Dean stood. He paused before he walked forwards.

“Maria, did Mr Reynolds threaten you if you did not agree to sex?”

 “Yes sir.”

“Can you describe what form this took?”

“Well, if I asked to not sleep with one of the clients he’d hit me around a bit. He’d scream that I ain’t anything more than a whore, that I’d fuck them anyway and he was gonna make some money off me anyway.” There was a mumble in the room and Maria froze.

“Go on, Maria.” The judge said softly. “Can we have silence in the room?”

“Well I- one day I told him no. Like, fully no. I was sick and didn’t wanna. He pushed me down the stairs.”

“Exhibit M-23.” The lawyer piped up. The jury turned to the page and Maria heard a muffled curse. “These are the medical records when she arrived in hospital. You can carry on now.”

“I-” Maria shifted nervously. “I got hurt then and didn’t say anything else. Figured it wouldn’t stop him, just hurt me more. He set me up with clients and I did what he told me to.”

“Did you ever want to refuse the clients?”

“Yes!” Maria froze at the strength of her own voice. “I mean- course I did. I didn’t want them to-” Maria shuddered. “I didn’t want any of it. Reynolds was bad enough, you know? I- I could cope with just him but then with the other people…” Maria felt tears beginning to fall down her face and she scrubbed at them. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right. Do you want to take a break?”

“I wanna get it over with.” Maria whispered.

“Very well. If you had refused what do you think Mr Reynolds would have done?”

“I don’t know, sir. I never wanted to find out. He was mad when I refused him and he only stopped hurting me when he did cause of the stairs.”

“What would he have done?”

“I- he might’ve- he’d have fuc-” Maria paused at that. “Slept with me. I know he would’ve done that but I was just scared about what he’d’ve done to me the next night or whatever.”

“You were involved in a romantic relationship with Ms Elizabeth Schuyler at the time, correct?”

“Yes, sir. Still am.”

“Did Reynolds threaten you to end it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What did he threaten you with?”

“He threatened he’d hurt me. He’d hurt me real bad and would’ve just left me to die. Told me I weren’t gonna get anywhere in the world and I shouldn’t bring Liza down with me. Told me he’d hurt Herc’s sisters as well, that he could have them hurt and no-one’d know it was him.”

“Was there something else he threatened you with?”

Maria paused at that and glanced at Alexander. Alexander met her gaze evenly. He knew this would be the problem. As long as his secret remained between Alexander, Thomas and Maria it didn’t matter enough to disprove.

“Maria? Did he threaten you with something else?”

“Yes sir.” Maria stared at Alexander before she turned her eyes back to the lawyer. “He told me he’d sell me to Phillip Schuyler.”

“Elizabeth’s father?”

“Yeah. Told me that she wouldn’t want me anymore and it would hurt her a hell of a lot more than losing me.”

“Did he follow through on the threat?”

“No sir. I broke it off. Told Liza lotta things I didn’t mean but knew she’d be safe after.”

“While you were in Mr Reynolds’ custody were you ever in fear of your life?”

“Yeah. Plenty. Used to get drunk a lot and he’d try to fuck me. If he couldn’t do it he’d start hitting me. Before he started selling me I thought he was gonna kill me a few times. After, I only got worried when he pulled out the knife. Knew he wouldn’t be able to bruise me. Left that for the clients.” There was another intake of breath at that and Maria looked around the room in confusion. “I didn’t mean no offense. I just-”

“It’s quite all right, Maria. When did you become aware of Hercules Mulligan’s involvement in Mr Reynolds’ affair?”

“I guessed it a few weeks after I broke my ribs. He got real quiet and jumpy. I figured Reynolds had to have something. Wouldn’t bother buying women so I guess he started to use Herc.” Maria sighed at that. “Didn’t know proper until months later though. Walked into the classroom and saw what Reynolds was doing to him.”

“What happened after that?”

“Became friends with Herc. We both knew what Reynolds was doing and we were the only ones. Made sense to stick together.”

“Did you ever have sex with Hercules Mulligan?”

“Um.” Maria bit her lip before she glanced at Hercules. “No.”

“Why the hesitation?”

“Reynolds threatened me that if- if I didn’t do my job he’d force Herc to sleep with me. Told me that- that Herc would hate that it was me that- that he got-” Maria broke off and glanced at Hercules who was staring at her in confusion. “Reynolds said he’d be dirty if he slept with me. That I- I’d break him and no-one’d want him after me.” Marai’s voice was soft and she ducked her head.

“Break him?”

“I- I’m unclean. Cause- cause of what I’ve done. Cause of Reynolds. Didn’t want Herc to be- to be like me.”

Hercules shook his head softly at that in disbelief. He didn’t understand how Reynolds had done this, had managed to poison Maria against him without Hercules ever knowing.

“Thank you for telling me that.” Maria sniffed and nodded. “When did Thomas Jefferson learn of what was going on?”

“When I tried to fuck him. He had suspicions before that, course he did. Tommy’s smart. He saw how Reynolds always made me stay after school. He didn’t ask me about it but I knew. He asked Reynolds a few things but Reynolds didn’t tell him anything. Then Reynolds got real mad at me. He hurt me and then told me to sleep with Tommy.”

“And what would that achieve?”

“Reynolds said it would just prove to Tommy that I’d sleep with anyone and what he noticed could’ve been from anybody and wasn’t Reynolds.”

“What he noticed?”

“Some-sometimes the customers left bruises or something. Too many for it to be normal.”

“What happened?”

“Tommy told me to stop and I started crying. Told him everything and he promised me he’d get me outta there and get me to safety. I told him there ain’t safety for me, not really. Reynolds fed me at least, he gave me a roof over my head. He made me sleep with people but that ain’t too different to what other people made me do. Tommy said he’d protect me.”

“Do you think he did?”

“Yeah. When Reynolds hurt me real bad Tommy’d be there. When Reynolds said I didn’t deserve food then Tommy would get it to me. Anytime something happened, Tommy would be there to help me.”

“I have one last question for you, Maria. Why didn’t you tell anyone when you knew Hercules was being abused?”

“Cause I knew Herc needed it. He hated it, course he did. He hated being forced but he needed the money. When his mama got sick he looked after her. I wanted to help him but there weren’t anything I could do.”

“Thank you. You can go. I’d like to take a break now.”

“Two hour break for lunch.” The judge nodded and the room rose.

Maria stumbled down from the stand and walked to the Yorktown group. She was crying slightly and Eliza was there in an instant. She held her arms open and Maria threw herself into them.

“It’s okay.” Eliza whispered as Maria began to sob. “It’s all okay.” Jefferson stared at them for a moment before he stepped forwards. Maria turned to him, still sobbing.

“Well done.” Jefferson said softly. Maria offered a shaky smile before leaning further into Eliza. “He’s not getting out, Maria. It’s okay.”

“Did I do it?”

“Yes, Maria yes.” Jefferson smiled, not letting his sadness show. “You did it. You did it.” Maria nodded and turned her face back to Eliza’s shoulder. Eliza ran a hand through her hair and whispered words that not even Jefferson could hear.

When they pulled apart Maria had nearly finished crying. Eliza’s eyes were filled with tears but she was holding herself back from breaking down completely.

“We’d better get back.” Eliza said, her voice choked.

“Come on then, doll.” Maria gently kissed Eliza’s cheek and smiled at her. “Let’s get back home.”

 

Hercules glanced back at the crowd that was beginning to file out of the room. There was a lot of media coverage of it and so plenty of people, press and otherwise. He froze as he saw an all too familiar face.

He remained frozen in place for several long moments before he turned and all but ran back to where he could see Maria. She turned in surprise and he blocked her view behind him while he forced a smile onto his face.

“W-w-we’re getting b-back?” Hercules asked, staring at Jefferson. The teen frowned and glanced behind Hercules.

“I- I was just gonna finish talking to Liza.” Maria wiped her eyes and sniffed. Hercules felt his heart wrench and he nodded weakly.

“Thomas, can I- can I have a word?”

“Is something wrong?” Eliza asked, glancing between them. Hercules shook his head. Jefferson walked a few steps away and turned on Hercules.

“What’s going on?” Jefferson hissed. Hercules glanced behind him and took in a deep breath.

“He’s here.”

“Who?”

“King.”

“Here?” Jefferson looked back in the direction Hercules had come from. “The fucker.”

“Jefferson I- I can’t-” Hercules felt his breathing speed up and he saw a flash of fear in Jefferson’s eyes.

“It’s okay, Herc.” Jefferson went to put his hand on Hercules’ arm but Hercules flinched back violently.

“D-don’t touch me!” Hercules clenched his fist shut and tried to ignore how his hands were shaking.

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t do this.” Hercules whispered. “I can’t do any of this! I- I-”

“He can’t hurt you, Herc. I promise.” Jefferson glanced around but saw no sign of the man. “He’d have to go through me.”

“You promise?”

“I swear.” Jefferson stared evenly at Hercules. “I will do everything I can to make sure he never hurts you again.”

“But-”

“You’re not in this alone anymore, Herc. You haven’t been for months. You’re here and you’re safe. He will not touch you. I promise.”

“Okay.” Hercules let out a long breath. “Okay. I- thanks.” He looked around for a moment before he walked over to Washington. Jefferson looked into the crowd and frowned as he caught sight of a man staring back. The man’s face was too familiar and Jefferson felt a wave of fear. The man stared at him for a second and opened his mouth and said something. The words were swept away by the crowd immediately.

Jefferson went to move forwards but before he could, the man turned and hurried away. Jefferson could feel a sinking feeling in his stomach, as if something had been balancing, precariously but still stable, and it had just tipped and fallen.


	67. He Will Do What It Takes To Survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I'm sorry this is so late. One of the reasons this story works so well (in my opinion) is because parts of it are my experience. The characters suffer more than I have but there are similar base experiences and this chapter was really difficult because of that. I won't get into it but I need to ask you that if you have issues with this chapter don't tell me them. This was meant to be put up three days ago and it took me all this time to work out if I should because of how personal this is.  
> There will be another chapter tomorrow, I'm not going to make you wait cause I took so long

Since James had returned to Yorktown he’d been mostly confined to his wheelchair. He used his crutches to walk up and down the stairs but apart from that, he spent the day sitting down. It got very boring after a very short time.

His brain was still fuzzy but it was getting better each day and the difficulties he had been having around reading and writing had mostly cleared up. Words still escaped him at random moments which was infuriating as hell but it was better.

He’d be able to go back to school in a month or two and James was pretty sure he’d be able to convince Washington to give him his schoolwork before that. James didn’t let himself think too hard about how much this was going to fuck over his college applications or his grades. He just needed to focus on mending, on letting his brain fix itself.

James tried to stop him from thinking about it. It didn’t normally work.

The threat of being taken away from Yorktown on top of that was enough to stress James out far too much. Luckily he wasn’t one for stress, or rather, he wasn’t one to tell people when he was stressed.

The trial was so all-consuming no-one noticed James as much. Jefferson was caught between the two but on the day of Hercules’ testimony Jefferson was there for Hercules and Maria. As he should be.

Everyone was out of the house apart from James. He was sat in the living room staring at the book in his hands. The book was a children’s book, something he should have been able to read in an hour. It had taken him three days so far. Each word seemed to swim out of his mind as soon as he read it and sentences didn’t want to stick together anymore.

They’d promised it would pass but until it did James was terrified.

It was another thing he’d been told to not think about.

James froze as he tasted metal on his tongue. He felt the book tumble out of his hands as a seizure hit him like a truck.

 

When James woke up he was face down on the floor. He shifted slightly and whined in pain. His head was aching and he felt like shit. He shifted onto his back and groaned as the pain in his head increased. He raised a shuddering hand to the sutures and felt relief rush over him as he realised there wasn’t any blood.

The pain must just be from the residual aura.

James pushed himself into a sitting position and had to stop as the pain hit him with a new wave. He had to force himself to not throw up. For several moments he just focused on his breathing until he tried to sit up again. He reached for his phone and ignored how his hand trembled.

He flicked over to Washington’s contact and his finger hovered over the call button. He then paused.

Washington already thought that he wasn’t coping, that he needed to be taken away from Yorktown. James knew that he wouldn’t cope with being taken away, with his help network being ripped away from him. It didn’t matter how shitty he felt in that moment, he couldn’t admit that to Washington.

“Fuck.” James whispered as he reached for a different contact.

**To: Thomas**

**Need you. No Washington**

James hit send and forced himself to crawl back to his wheelchair. He pulled himself into it and half collapsed backwards. He was exhausted by that small movement and the headache wasn’t helping anything. He felt his phone buzzing in his hand and he answered it.

“James?” Jefferson’s terrified voice came from the phone as James lifted it to his ears.

“Yeah.”

“Thank fuck. What happened?”

“Seizure.”

“I- was there a reason? Or- are you okay?”

“Fine.” James mumbled out. “Aura.”

“Okay. What did you mean by no Washington?”

“Don’t want him.”

“Why not?”

“He’ll take me away.” James whispered. He heard Thomas sigh on the other end of the phone.

“Okay. I won’t. I’ll- I’ll make excuses and- I’m coming home, James.”

“Thank you.” James didn’t bother questioning Jefferson’s word choice, didn’t bother asking when Yorktown had become Jefferson’s home or when he’d started to call it that.

James was too tired for any of that. He just curled in on himself slightly and he felt sleep pull at him. He let it overtake him and he drifted away.

 

“James?” James groaned as someone said his name. He opened an eye to see Jefferson crouching down in front of him. “Hey there.” Jefferson whispered. “You okay?”

“Aura.”

“Still there?” James nodded and Jefferson sighed. “Do you wanna get to sleep?” James nodded again and Jefferson smiled. “I can carry you to your bed if you want.” James nodded and Jefferson took the handles of the wheelchair. He carefully steered it to the base of the stairs before picking up James and carrying him.

Jefferson ignored how much easier it was this time, how much lighter James was, all because he hadn’t noticed James’ illness.

“Hercules?” James asked softly as he was laid in bed. Jefferson shrugged.

“He was doing quite well. Started crying. He hated it but the bitch lawyer hated it more. So,” Jefferson shrugged, “good news at least.” He took a seat as James stared at him. “Do you want me to talk to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Herc really was hiding a lot. His statement was read out because they’re pretty sure this will be the last day of the trial. Hearing what happened I’m pretty sure of that as well. Herc couldn’t even identify all of the people he slept with. That was-” Jefferson shook his head.

James pulled his blanket up to his chest and pushed himself down in the bed. He ignored how worried Jefferson looked as he did it.

“Anyway, Herc got into pretty grisly detail. I was- I’m not sure he wanted me to be there. I think the worst bit might have been Maria. None of the stuff surprised her. She just- she knew it all already. I didn’t realise how much she had been keeping from me. Shouldn’t be too jealous though. I mean, I did hide the fact that I killed someone so…” Jefferson shrugged. James smiled faintly.

As Jefferson continued to talk, James felt himself slipping into unconsciousness and he welcomed it as the ache in his head slowly subsided.

 

When James woke up again he was sick of passing out. Jefferson was still sat in the chair just watching him. James looked around and saw a cereal bar and a bottle of water next to him. He reached for the water and sat up a bit.

“How long was I asleep for?”

“A while. They’re going to be back soon. You feeling better?”

“Bit, yeah.” James winced as the headache made itself known again. “Not gonna be up to much.”

“That’s okay.”

“It’s really not.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?” James scoffed. “Thomas, I- I’m seventeen! I’m seventeen and I can’t go to sleep each night without taking a handful of pills. I- every new friendship or relationship I’ll start I’ll have to explain to them what to do if I start seizing. I’ll need to tell them to not worry if I just don’t show up to something because I was unconscious! I- I only have one fucking leg!” James stared down at the offending limb, or lack therefore, and clenched his hands into fists. “I’ve just had brain surgery. I’m sick Thomas. I get night terrors I can’t explain and I get ill if the seasons feel like it. I’m sick, Thomas and I-” James broke off, not knowing what to say.

It sounded infantile to continue, to yell at Jefferson about how unfair it all was. It was unfair but James knew it could be worse, knew that he could be dead. He knew that it could be worse but he didn’t fucking care. He was sick and he wanted to be able to acknowledge that, he wanted Jefferson to accept that and not constantly push for James to feel healthy, to feel normal because he wasn’t.

James hadn’t been normal since his parents had died.

“I’m seventeen.” James’ voice was soft. “And I couldn’t walk up the fucking stairs so I could sleep.” He felt tears in his eyes and he swiped them away angrily. Jefferson was just staring at him and James met the gaze head on.

“I-” Jefferson shrugged. “I don’t have anything to say James. I don’t know what-” Thomas broke off. “I want to help. I just don’t- I don’t know how.”

“I don’t know either.”

“Can I-” Jefferson stood but then paused again. “How long have you been thinking like this?”

“Forever. It’s just- what the hell am I going to do, Thomas? If in- in a year- I’m still going to be here because I can’t go back to school yet. How many times will this get in the way of my education? Of my life? I’m ill. That won’t change.” James brought one knee up and hugged it, curling in on himself in the process. He let the stump lie flat.

“You’re going to be back in school next year.”

“Then I’m going to watch everyone leave Yorktown without me. Then I’ll see everyone graduating when the next fuck up happens. I just- I’m so goddamn tired of this, Thomas.”

“Fuck.” Jefferson muttered before he sat down next to James. “I don’t have a solution, James. I- I can’t fix you.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“I know. I want to. I- I want to get click my fingers and have it fixed.”

“I’m not sure I want it fixed. I- I know that doesn’t make sense but what- I am who I am because of it. I hate that it happened but I don’t know who I’d be if it hadn’t happened. Does- does that make sense?”

“If that’s what you’re feeling like then yes.”

“Not what I asked. Does it make sense?”

“Not… entirely.” Jefferson admitted softly. “I thought that- I don’t know. I know a lot of people who have lost a sense don’t want it back. Or if they were born without one.”

“It’s… kinda like that. Not really but a bit. I wanna be happy and healthy but as soon as I think about the epilepsy going away I just get scared. I- I don’t know what I’d be without it. I don’t want it but I don’t want me without it. I’m scared.”

“I get that.” Jefferson put an arm around James and pulled him close. James would have argued on any other day but he was too exhausted. “It’ll be okay.”

“It won’t. It- it can’t be okay. I’m going to be sick until I die and then I just-”

“We’ll work out strategies and-”

“Don’t you get it?” James pulled back slightly. “It’s until I _die,_ Thomas! We- Washington promised the same damn thing but he’ll die before me. I don’t know when you’ll die. Every- everything in my life is this! Every day I’ll take pills. Every damn day. I- every _day,_ Thomas! This won’t stop! This is permanent and I-”

“And as long as I’m here I’ll help you.” Jefferson said softly. “If I ever need to leave then I’ll try to make sure you’re okay without me. I know this is terrifying but you’ll get through it. You’re strong, James.”

“I’m not.”

“You’ve survived so much already. You’re not even a legal adult, James. You are strong.”

“You don’t get a choice, you know, in surviving. Bravery is a choice, right? Surviving isn’t bravery. It’s just- it’s taking those pills. It’s not killing yourself. I’m not brave for going through this, Thomas. I’m tired. I’m tired and I want it to be over.”

“You mean-”

“Not gonna kill myself.” James said softly and Jefferson nodded. “Just so tired.”

“Okay. Just because you didn’t choose to be brave doesn’t mean you’re not. There are a lot of people who can’t cope with this.”

“Really? What do they do?” James watched Jefferson as he tried to think. “Do their bodies just shut down? No. They take their meds. They survive. There’s no bravery in surviving an illness. It’s not even stubbornness. It’s just doing a simple action every single day and knowing that if you don’t you might die. That’d probably be a nicer side effect than most of the stuff I’d go through. There’s no bravery in illness.”

“Then where is there bravery?” Jefferson asked softly. “Was I brave to protect Maria? Was I brave to protect Kitty? I didn’t do it for them, James. I did it for my own ends because seeing them like that hurt me. I did it to stop me hurting. Where’s the bravery there?”

“You’re being dumb.”

“So are you. Your definition of bravery doesn’t exist. It’s something fairy tales use as a shitty plot device. We’re human, we’re selfish. We don’t want to be hurt so we go to extreme lengths to make sure we’re not. We work out what we can live with and the moment it goes further, we fight back. You’re strong James because you haven’t stopped fighting. You’re sick and you’re still trying to do your homework. You can still imagine your future with all of this in your way. I can’t even imagine mine when I don’t have this stuff.”

“I-” James paused as he realised he didn’t have anything to say. He wasn’t brave because how could he be? Bravery was standing in front of something painful to protect other people. It was holding your ground when the world tried to crush you.

It wasn’t taking a handful of pills.

But that handful of pills was definitely something.

“Thank you.” James whispered. Jefferson nodded and then there was nothing to say.


	68. I Intend To Prove Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt

For the first time in what felt like forever there weren’t any night time activities in Yorktown. Burr wasn’t jolting awake from a nightmare before instantly silencing himself as he prepared for a beating. Jefferson wasn’t dreaming of bloody tiles and broken bones while wanting to die. Angelica wasn’t lying awake, staring at her sisters as if the moment she closed her eyes they’d be taken from her.

For once, the night passed peacefully as each inhabitant just slept.

Then James fucked it up.

All Alexander was really aware of was screaming before he was awake and halfway across the room. He forced himself to stop and then realised it was James. He walked down the stairs and paused as he stared at James’ door.

Rather than intruding he decided to knock on the sister’s door. Angelica was the one to answer with a tired smile.

“James?” Angelica asked quietly. Alexander nodded.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Night terrors probably.”

“He has night terrors?”

“He had them the first night you arrived. They’ve rare but-” Angelica gestured to his door, “they’re bad.”

“Is there any point trying to sleep?”

“I’ve got no idea how long this will go on for. Might be done in five minutes, might take a few hours. I reckon, just try.”

“While he’s screaming?”

“If you want to get anymore sleep then yes. When the night terror ends it’ll be okay.”

“And he’s okay?”

“Yeah. It’s scary but it’s fine.”

“Okay.” Alexander stared down the hall and tried to ignore how much the screams were scaring him.

“Hey,” Angelica touched his arm gently. Neither of them mentioned how violently he jumped. “He’ll be okay. It really is just a night terror.”

“Yeah. I’m going-” Alexander gestured to the ceiling and Angelica nodded.

“Sleep well.”

“You too.”

Alexander waited until Angelica went back into her room before he slunk off into John’s room instead of facing the silence upstairs.

 

In the morning it was decided that everyone who could would attend the sentencing. Glances went to James as that was said but he ignored them. He looked like hell, hooded eyes and shaking hands. Jefferson was sat next to him and glared at anyone who looked like they were about to say something.

Hercules didn’t eat.

No-one mentioned it.

 

When the time to leave arrived, Jefferson found himself in James’ room. James was sat in his wheelchair staring off into nothingness.

“You can come if you want.”

“How?” James asked softly.

“Your prosthetic.”

“And then what? I don’t have my balance back and you’re not going to carry me in. Go. Tell me about it. I don’t care.”

“Bullshit.”

“It doesn’t matter okay?” James turned to Jefferson in exasperation. “I can’t go.”

“Go in your wheelchair.”

There was silence after that.

“James?”

“I’m not going.”

“It’s just a wheelchair, James. It’s not-”

“I don’t want to go in the wheelchair.”

“But you could.”

“The courthouse probably isn’t even wheelchair accessible.”

“It is. I checked.”

There was silence again.

“Come on James, there’s no harm in-”

“I don’t want them to see a fucking cripple!” James snapped out. Jefferson took a step back in surprise and James sighed. “I don’t want them to see me.”

“You-”

“You should get to court.” James replied dully as he turned away again.

“James-”

“Go.”

Jefferson slowly stood and walked out of the room. He went to his to grab his phone but then paused. He knelt down and pulled out the cane from underneath his bed. He stared at it for several long moments as he ran it over and over in his head.

Jefferson stood, cane in hand. He walked back to James’ door without knocking. James turned to glare at him.

“I told you-”

“You can go in with a cane.” Jefferson spoke over him. James frowned.

“I don’t have one.”

“Yeah you do.” Jefferson took in a deep breath before he passed the cane to James. James stared at it in confusion for a moment before the realisation hit him and he looked up.

“Thomas-”

“He’d like you. A lot. I mean, I hope. Don’t really know. I know he wouldn’t want me to have something worthless if it could help someone else. He would- you know what, fuck it. _I_ want you to have it. And he left it for me.” James stared at Jefferson for several long moments before he reached for his prosthetic.

When it was attached he rose slowly, leaning heavily on the cane.

“Thank you.” James said softly. Jefferson nodded as he stared at the cane, at one of the most poignant reminders of his childhood.

“It’s-”

“No, Thomas. I- I mean it, okay?” James put a hand on Jefferson’s shoulder, stopping him from turning away. “I know what this means to you. This isn’t nothing. Thank you.”

Jefferson smiled and then James pulled him into a hug. Jefferson grunted in surprise as most of James’ weight landed on him.

“I still say you should go in the wheelchair.” Jefferson muttered. James scoffed.

“Don’t ruin the moment, asshole.”

 

Maria sat in her seat, shifting awkwardly. Eliza gently put a hand over her fidgeting ones and she smiled.

“It’ll be okay.” Eliza whispered before she gently kissed Maria.

“I know, doll.” Maria moved her hands so she was holding Eliza’s. She then let her head rest on Eliza’s shoulder. “It ain’t been easy, is all.”

“It’ll be easier now. You’ll see.”

Peggy sat down next to Eliza and squeezed her hand. Eliza glanced back at her and smiled.

“They’re gonna call order any second.” As Peggy spoke the rest of Yorktown slowly took their seats. Hercules, Jefferson and James were in the front row while Maria was several rows back. She had no wish to see Reynolds ever again and while she had to, she didn’t have to be close to him. She wanted to put as much distance between her and him as she could and sitting a few rows back was all she seemed able to do at that moment.

The judge walked in and the room fell silent. Then Reynolds stepped in.

His hands were chained in front of him but Maria still felt scared the instant she saw him. He had power that she couldn’t explain. A power that she didn’t want to explain.

Maria was almost so busy thinking about how scared she was that she didn’t hear the conclusion. She managed to come back to herself just in time for the jury to call it.

“We are unanimous. Guilty.”

Maria stared at the woman who’d spoken for several long moments. It didn’t make sense. Then Eliza was hugging her and Reynolds was shouting something. Maria hugged Eliza back and brought her close as she realised that she was finally free.

Reynolds couldn’t touch her.

No-one could touch her if she didn’t want it.

Maria collapsed into Eliza’s arms and tried to ignore the tears that began dribbling down her face.

“I’m free.”

 

Hercules heard the verdict in stunned silence. He heard a number, the number of years he’d be safe for. It was less than he would have liked but it was a lot. Apparently Reynolds had admitted information for George Frederick and Philip Schuyler which gave him a few years off the sentence.

It was still years, more than enough time for Hercules to get back to normal.

It didn’t even sink in for several long moments and when it finally did he just remained sitting still. He watched as Reynolds was dragged away, shouting something that Hercules couldn’t be bothered to listen to. He knew what Reynolds had called him before and it couldn’t be any worse than that.

Hercules stood shakily as the room emptied. He vaguely recognised that Jefferson was talking to him but he couldn’t hear the words, as if he was drowning while they stood on firm land. He stared around as people passed and wanted to scream.

When a hand landed on his arm he jumped a mile and turned to stare up at Jefferson.

“You okay?” Jefferson asked softly. Hercules stared at him for a long moment. “Herc?”

“Yeah.” Hercules managed to choke out after several more moments. He could feel gazes turning to him now. James’ was the most obvious, right next to them.

“You look terrible.” Jefferson muttered as he stared at Hercules. Hercules was gaunt from the lack of food. His skin was flaky and his face was too pale. “Do you wanna-” Before Jefferson could say anything else, something ran at Hercules.

Hercules almost fell over as it crashed into him. He panicked on instinct but then stopped as he saw what, or rather who, it was.

“Hey Ellie.” Hercules whispered. Ellie stared up at him with tears in her eyes.

“You did it!”

“What’re you doing here?”

“Told the foster family I was gonna be here no matter what. They let me go after that.”

“You need to listen to them, El.” Hercules sat down in one of the seats to try and make the world stop spinning. Ellie sat down next to him and Jefferson meandered away.

“They’re not my parents, Herc.”

“They’re in charge of you. I have to listen to what Washington tells me to do.”

“But Washington is- that’s not the point. I- I was here yesterday.”

“Ellie…” Hercules breathed out. He put his head into his hands and sighed. “I didn’t want- I…”

“I know, Herc. I just wanted- I had to know what was happening. It’s not fair for you to take it on.”

“It’s in the past, Ellie. You didn’t need to know it.”

“Should’ve known it at the time.”

“Yeah.”

“Herc, are you okay?”

“What?”

“You’re looking really pale.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You look really sick.” Ellie frowned and then gave Hercules a roving once over. “Have you lost weight?”

“It’s okay, El. I’ve just not been eating a lot recently. There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”

“No.” Hercules pulled Ellie into a hug and closed his eyes as if he could pretend that everything was back to normal, as if his rapist hadn’t just been sent to jail. “You’re my little sister. I love you, El.”

“I love you too, Herc.” Ellie’s voice was choked and Hercules sighed. “Don’t wanna lose you.”

“You won’t. You haven’t so far, have you? We keep in contact.”

“Yeah.”

“And we talk to mom and our other siblings. It’s not the typical arrangement but you won’t lose me, El. You won’t lose any of us.”

“Herc?” Hercules looked up to see Lafayette standing above him. Lafayette was shifting awkwardly as they watched Ellie.

“Hey Laf.” Herc took their hand as he spoke and Lafayette smiled.

“We have to leave.”

“Okay. Give me a moment and I’ll be there.”

“D’accord.”

“You seem a lot more comfortable with him.”

“Laf’s been so understanding it’s crazy. When I get nightmares they’re there for me every time. Panic attacks, flash backs, anything. They’re there.”

“I’m happy for you.” Ellie leant her head against Hercules’ shoulder and he put an arm around her. “Glad you’re happy, Herc.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah. My foster parents are bitches but-”

“Language.”

“They mean well, I’m pretty sure.”

“That’s good to know.”

“You’d better get going.” Ellie pushed herself away from Hercules reluctantly and stared at him for several long moments. “Keep safe.”

“Course.” Hercules stood and paused as a wave of dizziness hit him. He took in a deep breath and forced himself away before Ellie got worried. He knew that if he explained it she wouldn’t understand. He knew she couldn’t understand the need for control. He didn’t just want it, he needed it as desperately as his body told him he needed food.

He needed control more, actually. That was the point.

“Are you okay, mon amour?” Lafayette whispered as they walked away. Hercules nodded. “I just meant it must be difficult to see him.”

“I’ll never have to again.” Hercules squeezed Lafayette’s hand gently and smiled at them. “That’s the important thing.”

“Oui.”

Hercules took the window seat in the car and just stared into nothingness. He didn’t spot the worried looks from Lafayette. Hercules was just so tired. Every action seemed to take more energy than he had. All he wanted to do was collapse but he didn’t understand why, why his energy level was always so low.

Hercules thought that when Reynolds was sentenced he would feel better. He didn’t.

Reynolds was gone but the memories weren’t. What had happened had still happened. Nothing could stop that. He had sold his body, he’d become a whore. Reynolds being punished for his own crimes did nothing to change history.

Hercules wasn’t even sure if he would change history. If he was given the same choices he didn’t know what he’d do. The rational part of his brain that sounded suspiciously like Ellie told him that he shouldn’t repeat what had happened. Part of his brain told him he should do it, should force himself to do anything to protect his family.

Hercules was too tired to work out what he’d do if he could choose again.

When they arrived at Yorktown he stood and stepped out of the car. He walked up to the steps before he suddenly stopped.

“Mon amour?”

“I don’t-” Hercules felt the world spinning around him and the last thing he knew was his knees crumpling out from beneath him.

Lafayette screamed as Hercules fell to the floor. They managed to catch him just before he hit the floor and scooped him close. Washington was there in an instant, shouting as he asked what had happened.

Lafayette stood, still holding Hercules and realised just how light their boyfriend was. Lafayette studied Hercules for a moment, really looked at what he was like. They didn’t let themself stop when the memories didn’t add up to their boyfriend.

As they studied Hercules they realised just how much they’d let slip, just how much had escaped their gaze. Hercules was too cold, he was too light, he was nothing like the mountain of a man with a kind smile Lafayette had known.

The Hercules that Lafayette was holding was broken. Reynolds was locked up and would never hurt him but in the end it didn’t matter. The damage had already been done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reasons why I should not edit late at night: I very nearly posted the first chapter of Hamilwings cause I wanted to have something up but then realised how long the editing for that was going to take  
> Also I would like to know if anyone wants me to continue this series when these 81 chapters are over. I have some other ideas which could easily become fics


	69. I Served You Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank all the people who commented on the last chapter and told me to continue this story. With the amazing response I got I definitely will be continuing :D

Hercules’ eyes flickered open to a white ceiling. He frowned for a moment as he tried to work out where he was. Sitting up seemed too much effort so he didn’t try that. Instead he just tilted his head to the side and frowned as a beeping permeated his ears.

It was rhythmic which he guessed was good. His eyes followed the noise and then paused when he saw a machine showing a heartrate. He frowned at it muzzily before he slowly sat up. His head ached as he did but he pushed through that.

When he was sat up he could take in the room a bit better. It was a hospital.

He knew he should be more worried about that but he couldn’t summon the energy. He stared down at himself and saw he was in the typical hospital gown. There were wires in his arms which he frowned at.

“Hercules?” Lafayette’s shaky voice asked. Hercules turned to them to see Lafayette slowly sitting up.

“Hey.”

“Hercules… je suis tellement désolé mon amour que je ne l'ai pas repéré. Je suis tellement désolé que je n'étais pas là. Je suis tellement désolé que je n'étais pas un bon petit ami. Je suis tellement désolé que je ne suis pas assez bon pour ça. Je suis désolé de t'avoir fait si mal.”

“English, Laf.” Hercules whispered. Lafayette paused and simply began to cry. Hercules went to move forwards but then there were hands on him. Hercules jerked back in fear before his brain came back online.

“Lie back down, son.” Washington cautioned. He removed his hands as Hercules sank back down. The man looked very old as he watched his two charges.

“Laf, it’s okay.” Hercules said softly as he reached for Lafayette’s hand. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Just-”

“Non!” Lafayette stood and stared down at Hercules. “Ce n'est pas rien! Vous étiez affamé et je n'ai pas vu! Je-”

“English, Laf.” Hercules reminded them. Lafayette let out a growl and sat down, closing their eyes as they tried to find the words lost in their anger.

“It is bad. It is not nothing. You were being hungry. You-” Lafayette took a deep breath. “Anorexia.”

“Lafayette, we can’t diagnose him.” Washington chided as Hercules stared at Lafayette in confusion.

“Anorexia?”

“You, Hercules.”

“I’m not anorexic Laf. That’s- guys don’t get that.”

“Do not be stupid!” Lafayette spat out. “Gender does not dictate that!”

“I-”

“And what would that change?” Lafayette was furious, angrier than Hercules could remember them being. “You are sick!”

“I don’t have anorexia, Laf.”

“You’re underweight, son.” Washington said gently. Hercules glanced to him and frowned.

“Am I?”

“Severely. Hercules, I’m not just here as Lafayette’s guardian. I am your legal guardian and if this continues, your medical guardian.”

“What?”

“The amount of weight you’ve lost isn’t something to scoff over, son. This is dangerous. Was today the first time you fainted?”

Hercules didn’t say anything. He just stared at the floor and heard Lafayette scoff.

“Je ne peux pas croire que tu ne m'en aies pas parlé.”

“I don’t know goddamn French, Laf.” Hercules growled out. He immediately turned back to Washington. “I lost weight because I was stressed.”

“I’m not here to argue with you, Hercules. I’m here because you were under my care. Losing that much weight doesn’t happen by accident.”

“Looks like it did.”

Washington stared at Hercules for several long moments after that, obviously trying to decide if he should pursue the topic.

“I’m going to find your doctor.” With that, Washington left the room. Hercules turned to Lafayette who was sat back in their seat, glaring into nothing.

“Laf-” Hercules held out a hand and Lafayette turned to him. Hercules could see Lafayette trying to stay angry but after a moment they relented and grasped his hand.

“Did you starve yourself on purpose?”

“It’s- no.”

“Did you purposefully not eat?”

“Yeah. Not because I wanted to hurt myself I just-” Hercules frowned. “I was coping.”

“This is not coping, mon amour. Coping does not consign you to a hospital.”

“I know. I know.”

The two sat in silence until Washington came back with a doctor.

“Hello, my name is Dr Digby. Now then, you were admitted after passing out. We’ve done a few tests and we suspect that was down to your body not having enough energy. I need to ask you some questions.”

“Okay.”

“Are you suicidal?”

“What?” Hercules spluttered out. He stared at the woman who offered a half apologetic smile back.

“It’s the one I have to start with.”

“No. I-” Hercules paused but then shook his head. “No.”

“Have you ever been suicidal?”

“I- maybe.”

“Have you ever self-harmed in the past?”

“I’ve never cut or anything.”

“Self-harm is more than just that. It can be putting yourself into dangerous situations like having unprotected sex or-”

“Maybe that one then.” Hercules half whispered. “If- I’ve put myself in dangerous situations cause I…” Hercules trailed off and stared down at his hands. He was still holding Lafayette’s hand and at the thought of Reynolds he let go.

“Mr Washington, could you please leave the room. Along with-”

“Lafayette.” Hercules supplied. Lafayette looked down at him but he just nodded. “Go. Please.”

“I shall wait for you, mon amour.” Lafayette whispered before they left the room. When it was just the doctor she took a seat next to Hercules.

“Were you telling the truth with my previous questions?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you please elaborate on the self-harm question?”

“I- I’ve made myself hurt, I guess. Because I thought at the time I deserved it or- or something.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“I-” Hercules scoffed. “This really bad thing was happening to me. Really bad. I didn’t make it stop. There would have been consequences but after a while I just- I just thought I deserved it.”

“What was it?”

“It- it was uh-” Hercules frowned as he tried to work out how he could sum up Reynolds. “Someone took advantage of me se-sexually. For uh- for a few months.”

“Are you still in danger?”

“No. He was sentenced today.” Hercules shook his head. “I’m meant to be at Yorktown celebrating. Fuck.” Hercules realised he was crying gently and he wiped the tears away. “I don’t know if I- if I could have stopped it happening. I just know that I- I deserved it. That I wasn’t anything else.” Hercules dropped his head down, not able to meet the doctor’s eyes. “A worthless whore.” He whispered it, as if volume would change the validity of the title.

“I’m sure that’s not true.” The doctor said softly. Hercules shrugged.

“I guess the answer’s yes.”

“Have you thought of other methods of self-harm?”

“Thought about them. Never done anything.”

“Do you think you might?”

“Maybe. Or I- I don’t know. He’s in jail now. He can’t hurt me but it- it doesn’t feel…” Hercules broke off. He didn’t know what it felt like, it felt like nothing.

“Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health illness in the past?”

“No.”

“Did you want to lose weight?”

“Not recently.” Hercules shifted uncomfortably. “A- when the whole thing with- with him started then, yeah. But mostly it was just that I didn’t want to eat.”

“Why not?”

“Memories.”

“And is that all it was?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“I- I didn’t want to starve myself if that’s what you’re asking. I just- I don’t know. I wanted control.”

“Control?”

“The power to change something. Reynolds, he- he had everything over me. I couldn’t do a damn thing about him. I couldn’t help Laf or John. I couldn’t help Ellie or my mom. I was just- I was helpless. I was being washed around in a damn ocean and I wanted an anchor.”

“So your diet was a way to control your life?”

“Yeah. If I didn’t eat then everything was better. I wasn’t- I had power again.”

“Do you feel in control now?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because-” Hercules glanced at the wires in his arms before he continued mumbling. “Because you’re feeding me right now, aren’t you?”

“Yes we are. We’re giving you fluids and nutrients.”

“Which- which means I can’t be in control.”

“What would you do to regain that control?”

“I don’t know. I’m not a danger if you’re asking.”

“To yourself or other people?”

“Anyone. I’m not going to kill myself and I’m sure as hell not going to hurt anyone.”

“Okay.” The doctor stood and sighed. “I want to keep you in for a few more hours. You’ll then be discharged. I’m going to refer you to a nutritionist and a therapist.”

“A therapist?”

“These problems seem to stem from whatever happened to you. It’s not my place to ask but it looks like you could benefit from professional help. The nutritionist is just to get you on the road to recovery.”

“When can I leave?”

“At the end of the day, most likely. I’ll go bring the other two back in here.”

“Thanks.” Hercules muttered as he lay back down in the bed. This was going to be difficult. He could feel something itching away in his head as the food was pumped back into him. He didn’t want it and he wanted to scream that but he didn’t.

He hadn’t meant it to get this far. He’d never wanted this kind of control. He knew he wasn’t anorexic but this had been a step too far. He was a bit more terrified of losing control than he should be.

 

When Hercules was discharged, Lafayette was quiet as they held hands in the back of the car. Hercules wanted to press Lafayette, to ask them what was wrong. He couldn’t summon the energy to ask anything and so he just stuck to staring out of the window.

Yorktown was quiet when they got back. Quiet in the way Hercules knew.

It was the quiet before the storm, as each person braced themselves individually for the hurricane that was about to rip them apart.

Hercules walked into the living room and he could almost see them relaxing.

“Hey.” Hercules sat down and watched as the room stared at him warily. They’d seen far too many people vanish instantly from their lives to trust this.

“What happened?” Peggy asked softly. Hercules sighed.

“Turns out I missed a few meals.”

“Don’t be stupid, Hercules.” Lafayette snapped. “You are anorexic!”

“You don’t get to diagnose me because you feel like it.” Hercules snapped back. “I’m not anorexic, Laf. I missed a few meals.”

“You passed out.” Maria said softly. Hercules glanced at her and frowned. She looked small and scared. She wasn’t wrapped up with Eliza, instead she was sitting in a chair on her own. “It scared me.”

“It was nothing. I have to get a meal plan and talk to a therapist. I was going to be pushed to a therapist at some point anyway.”

“Surprised you weren’t before.” Alexander said quietly. “I mean,” he pulled out one ear bud, “you went through something scarring as fuck-”

“Language.”

“And then hid it. Going through the trial showed us that you-”

“We don’t need a play by play, tomcat.” Jefferson spoke over Alexander who glared at him for a second before they both turned back to Hercules. “Was that really everything?”

“Yeah. Told me to eat healthier and if it carries on then I go back.”

“Vous êtes un idiot, Hercules.”

“If you’re going to insult me then have the decency to do it in English!”

“You are an idiot if you think that was all! You did not merely miss a few meals! You are dangerously underweight! You have refused to eat and-”

“Maybe because I didn’t want the fucking reminder of what they did to me!” Hercules stood and ignored how the world began to spin.

“Maria has not felt the need to starve herself!” Lafayette snarled out. They stood and stared at Hercules.

“Maria copes in her own goddamn way then.”

“This was you coping? You were starving yourself!”

“At least I tried! He hit you once and you gave up! They fucking used me for months! Months! They- they raped me and hit me and hurt me and then handed me money as if it was nothing! They degraded me and took everything and I’m still fucking standing here! I didn’t just give up and slit my fucking wrists at the first sign of trouble!” Hercules paused at that as Lafayette’s anger washed away and was replaced with surprise. The room was silent and Hercules shook his head. “Fuck this.” He muttered out before he strode from the room. He went to leave the house before he realised there was nowhere he could go, there was no-where he could run to.

Instead he strode to his room and sat down at his desk chair. He stared at the wall for a moment before he swung back and hit his fist into it. He hissed in pain and cursed. How the fuck did that help anyone?

“Fuck.” Hercules hissed out as he held his hand close. It didn’t do anything, just made his hand hurt as well as the thoughts swirling around his head. He knew he’d need to apologise to Lafayette but he didn’t want to.

Hercules wasn’t sick, he just needed control. He needed control that Lafayette didn’t seem to want to give him. There was a selfish part of Hercules that told him to get rid of Lafayette. An even more selfish part told him that would be impossible.

Before Hercules could work out what to do there was a knock at his door.

“Who is it?”

“John.”

“Come in.”

John walked into the room and sat down at the desk chair. Hercules sat down on his bed and sighed.

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah.” John muttered.

“Are they okay?”

“I dunno. Laf ran off.”

“You-”

“Jefferson followed them. I- you do know they weren’t trying to attack you.”

“I know. I- if they had their way then I wouldn’t be able to do anything. They’d stop me at every turn.”

“Laf doesn’t want you to be hurt.”

“But I will get hurt! Everyone gets hurt!”

“Not like you did.”

“Is your father beating you any better? What he did to you-”

“This isn’t about me.”

“I know. I know that and I don’t push on a single goddamn thing he did to you. I asked the first time we met. Every other time you came to me and explained it. I didn’t force you to say or admit anything. Laf doesn’t seem to understand that.”

“I was a stranger, Herc. That’s not a reasonable comparison. You’re dating Laf.”

“I need them to back off. I haven’t told them what happened for a reason and-”

“What reason?”

“What?”

“I- you told the court. Maria and Jefferson heard it. They haven’t said a word about it but they heard it. Whatever you said, they know. Whatever happened, they know. Why can’t Laf?”

“It’s- Laf’s too good for me, John. They- they deserve better than me. As soon as I explain that-” Hercules took in a deep breath and shook his head. “I let men- I let them- I let people fuck me, John. For- for money. Then I’d go back to Laf and pretend nothing had happened. I let them-” Hercules broke off with a strange noise. “I’d just go back to Laf and let them touch where they’d touched me. Where they- I- I don’t deserve them John.”

“Laf wants you, Herc. All of that is bullshit as well. You didn’t do it for money, you did it for your family. Them touching you didn’t make you dirty. You do deserve Laf. Laf wants to help you so much right now.”

“I don’t want to break them anymore. I don’t-” Hercules took in a deep shuddering breath. “I don’t want to make Laf like me.”


	70. One Shot To Live Another Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chap is a bit short but next chap is over 3k and also one of my fave chapters (Jefferson angst anyone?)

Lafayette stared after Hercules in a dazed astonishment as the words rang in his head.

_At least I didn’t just give up and slit my fucking wrists at the first sign of trouble!_

Lafayette realised that the room was staring at them and they stumbled out of the room. They heard a muttered curse before the sound of footsteps following him.

“Hey Laf, it’s okay.” Jefferson’s voice was soft. “Hey, hey, don’t cry. Don’t cry.”

“I-” Lafayette felt tears begin to run down their face and they suddenly wanted to collapse.

“Come on.” Jefferson took Lafayette’s arm and pulled them somewhere. Lafayette didn’t care. Eventually they were sat down on a bed. Jefferson sat next to them and pulled them into a hug. “He shouldn’t’ve said that shit.”

“I want to help him.”

“And you will. He just needs a bit of time.”

“He is so- so thin! He could die! I did not spot it. Again! I am- I am worthless as a boyfriend.”

“You’re a great date mate. You’ve just got a boyfriend who’s good at lying.”

“Do not blame him.”

“I’m not. Hercules is going through some things that we can’t imagine. That doesn’t make what he just said right.”

“I am a coward.” Lafayette said, too quietly for Jefferson to hear.

“What?”

“I do not talk about it much but I am.” Lafayette turned their wrists to them and stared at the ugly scars. Jefferson frowned at that.

“You’re what?”

“I am a coward.”

“No. No I will not have you fucking talk like that, okay?” Jefferson grabbed Lafayette’s wrists, covering the scars. “You’re not a fucking coward because you didn’t die. You’re strong because you didn’t die. Don’t you dare think like that, okay?”

“Jefferson-”

“No. No, okay? I’ll sit here and talk all you want about almost anything. I won’t fucking tell another soul but if you’re going to tell me that you deserved to die then no. I’m not fucking standing for that. Okay?”

“Oui.” Lafayette stared down at their hands and Jefferson sighed. He leaned forwards and hugged Lafayette tightly.

“It’s okay to feel like that but it’s not true. You tried to kill yourself but that’s not a reflection on your bravery.”

“I do not know how to make Hercules happy.” Lafayette said softly. “I cannot help.”

“There’s no way to make Hercules happy, Laf. He’s just been through one of the worst ordeals of his life. Reynolds is in prison but that won’t help him much. You- Herc will need you, Laf. Even if it’s just as a friend for a bit. I’m not going to talk about your relationship but you- you aren’t pushing him, are you?”

“Non. We- many days he cannot hold my hand. We do nothing.”

“Okay. Do you honestly believe he has anorexia?”

“Yes.”

“Then the second thing we’ve gotta do is make him see that.”

“And the first?”

“We need to make sure he eats. I-” Jefferson paused and bit at his lip before he continued. “He’s been throwing up, Laf.”

“What?”

“He’s got bruises and cuts across his knuckles. It’s a sign of bulimia. The way he eats is-”

“You knew and did nothing?”

“I only noticed it the other day. I decided to let the trial play out first.”

“You never step in do you?” Lafayette sneered out. “Always on the side-lines! You did not stop Reynolds either!”

“I tried.” Jefferson’s voice was hard. “Don’t try to turn this on me. I’m trying to protect your-”

“You try to protect yourself, no-one else.”

“Laf, you’re angry. Don’t-”

“Do not tell me what I am! How many times will my boyfriend nearly die because of you? How many times will you let him nearly die?”

“Stop it, Laf.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m trying so fucking hard!” Jefferson screamed out. He stood and Lafayette glared at him. “I am trying so fucking hard! I can’t fucking help him! I can’t help anyone! Haven’t you noticed that? I can’t help Maria or John or James! I can’t fucking help James! How am I meant to help Hercules? Nothing I do is enough, Laf but I- I am _fucking_ trying!” Jefferson’s voice broke slightly and he took in a deep breath. “I need to go.” Jefferson’s voice was quiet and as he left, Lafayette didn’t even try to follow.

They were too busy staring. That was the most they had ever seen Jefferson break down. Every other time Lafayette or someone else had egged him on Jefferson just deflected it or took it. He didn’t lose his temper or even break his façade.

Lafayette half rose as they realised they’d just fucked up again. Before they could do anything to follow Jefferson, their door opened. Hercules stepped inside and smiled sheepishly at Lafayette.

“Hercules?”

Hey Laf. I uh- I shouldn’t’ve said that. That was so over the line. I’m so sorry.” Lafayette paused for a moment before they hugged Hercules close.

“I should not have pushed you, mon amour. I see how difficult this is. I merely want to help you. That is all.”

 “We-we probably need to talk, don’t we?”

“Oui.” Lafayette sat down on the bed and tugged Hercules down next to them.

“I haven’t been eating. It’s not something to worry about. It was- something to tide me over. A- a stress thing. Just until the trial was over. It- yeah.”

“How did it start?”

“Start?”

“When did starving yourself start?”

“I uh-” Hercules sighed. “I wasn’t starving myself. It was- I guess it started back when Reynolds first started. Huh.” Hercules took in a deep breath as he tried to collect himself.

“I am here, mon amour.” Lafayette slipped their hand into Hercules’ and he smiled. “I shall not judge.”

“The first time Reynolds paid me he- he-” Hercules took in a deep breath. “It was my mouth. I threw up right after. I- it was my sixteenth birthday. Ellie and the others had made me a cake. I just remember staring at it and I- I couldn’t- I just couldn’t eat it. I- they’d worked so hard on it for me but I couldn’t eat it. After that it was- Reynolds did the same stuff before it got- got worse. He- I didn’t want the food because all I could think was that I’d earned it like- like that.”

“I am so sorry.” Lafayette whispered. Hercules nodded.

“I uh- I didn’t eat much after that. I was looking for a job, looking after my family, shopping and- and Reynolds. When I stopped to eat I had to think. I didn’t sleep much that first month either. As long as I was busy I didn’t need to think about it. I could just be normal. I wasn’t- I wasn’t doing that. Losing the weight, being hungry all the time it- it helped. I had something to concentrate on. When the first month was over, the first set of medicine was done, I ate again. I had nightmares but I slept as well. I put on a bit more weight, got a job, I was functioning. Then the uh-”

Hercules rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, trying to will the tears away as he did. Lafayette watched him, tears in their own eyes.

“Reynolds told me it wasn’t over. Told me that I- if I didn’t do that for him then he’d tell CPS and my family would be taken away. He’d- he’d tell my mom and everyone would know. By then hunger wasn’t enough. Sometimes I just couldn’t cope with the thought of food but normally it was fine. I got back some of the weight. I had- I had the money.” Hercules snorted at that and shook his head. “I didn’t need to starve. Then when- when everything came out it was just-” Hercules took in a stuttering breath. “Everyone looked at me differently. I- they pitied me, Laf. I’d tried so hard to be strong, to show them that I wasn’t just a poor kid. Then I was just the poor kid who was willing to sleep with strangers. It was- it’s not an eating disorder, Laf. I didn’t want to lose weight.”

“Okay. You have lost too much.”

“I know.”

“Will you let me help you regain it?”

“It’s not going to be difficult, Laf. I just- I just need to force myself to eat. I’m not going to be an idiot anymore. It’ll work.”

“Will you let me help you?”

“Of course. It- it’ll be fine now. Reynolds is gone. It’ll be fine. A bit more food and it’ll be like nothing happened.”

“Promise?”

Hercules smiled and leant forwards slightly to kiss Lafayette’s lips gently.

“I promise.”


	71. It Feels Easier To Just Swim Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting so close to the end now! There are three chapters until the final arc hits this story and oh boy do I fucking adore that arc. (I'm sure everyone will feel the same. Definitely)

Jefferson could feel his hands shaking as he walked down the hall. He vaguely recognised John passing him but he couldn’t focus on that as he just continued to move. He couldn’t help Lafayette. He couldn’t help Hercules. He couldn’t help.

“Jefferson?”

Jefferson recognised the voice but couldn’t bring himself to place it. He didn’t feel real anymore, as if he was falling through his consciousness. He was too cold. He’d been so cold for far too long.

 

 

Thomas got to the house just in time for it to start snowing. He pushed the door open to see one of the kids lying on the ground crying. He cursed and lowered himself painfully, trying not to jostle any of his injuries.

“Hey there.” Thomas rasped out. He coughed for a moment before forcing himself to stop. He didn’t want to see what might come up.

“Wh-who are you?”

“I’m Tommy. Kitty’s friend. Who are you?”

“Matt.”

“Okay. Are you hurt?”

“Yeah.” The boy pulled up his stained shirt and Thomas winced at the bruises across the boy.

“I need you to get all of the children in this house. Go to the house next door and call the police. Tell them you’re being abused and that he’s not stopping.”

“What if the next dad hurts us too?”

“They’ll sort that out. You’ll be safe.”

“Really?”

“I promise.”

“Kitty says you don’t break promises.”

Thomas smiled sadly at that. He’d always been too good at lying.

“You see? It’ll all be okay. Now go on, get all of the children together.”

“I- I can’t get Kitty.”

“Why not?”

“She’s in his room.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Kitty always tells us it’s nothing.”

“Do you mean his bedroom?”

“Yeah.”

Thomas tensed in anger and nodded.

“Go get the rest of the children. Get somewhere safe. I’ll sort this out.”

With that, he rose and forced himself to climb the stairs. He knew which room it had to be by the quiet sobs. He felt rage build in him as he slammed the door open and stepped inside. Kitty was on the floor sobbing while a man stood over her. He’d obviously just slapped her to the floor and she looked like it hadn’t been the first hit.

“Get the fuck away from her!” Thomas shouted. Kitty stared at him in fear and started to say something but the man just strode forwards and grabbed Thomas’ collar. Thomas tried to not whimper as he felt the cuts along his back open up from where they’d begun to heal, stuck to his shirt.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Get off me!” Thomas exclaimed and pushed him back. Kitty whimpered as the man’s face darkened. “Kitty, run!”

“Tommy-”

“Now!” Thomas shouted, turning on her. She shied back before she scrambled to her feet and ran. Thomas had enough time to hope she got to the others before a fist collided with his face and he was dropped to the floor.

“You little shit!”

Thomas felt a boot come into contact with his side and he spluttered for a moment before struggling to stand. He got halfway up before another punch connected with his face and he was forced to the floor once more. He wheezed in a breath and noticed, emotionlessly, that he couldn’t breathe properly anymore.

His best bet was probably to make the man kick him more. It was strange, planning how he would make the man kill him but it worked. Thomas didn’t want to live anymore, didn’t want to spend another second knowing he could be hurt by anyone.

If he did this successfully, if he killed himself, and used this man to do it, then Kitty would be safe. All of the children would be safe. Thomas wouldn’t have to spend another day hoping, wouldn’t need to get his hopes crushed again. He would never be hurt again.

He just had to go through a fuckton of pain first.

“You’re filth.” Thomas spat out. He staggered to his feet and threw a punch that connected, to his surprise. The man roared and threw Thomas to the floor where he wheezed for a moment before the man was on top of him. He wrapped his hands around Thomas’ throat and began to tighten his grip. Thomas kicked out at the hands but couldn’t do anything.

He was kicking desperately as his body struggled to stay alive even if his brain didn’t want it. One of his kicks connected and the man yelped in anger. He pulled back and punched Thomas again.

Thomas knew that his face was a bloody mess. He couldn’t breathe through his nose and his mouth was full of blood. He wasn’t sure where it had come from. The world was spinning slightly and he felt sick.

“Who the fuck are you?” The man growled out as he gripped Thomas’ shirt. “Tell me!” He followed that with another punch to the face.

“Thomas fucking Jefferson.” Thomas could hear how nasal the words were, how weak they were. “I’m here to kill you.”

“What the fuck?” The man pushed Thomas backwards and stood. “Get off my property.” Thomas scrambled to his feet and paused for a second. His body was telling him to stop, to let himself heal. It was screaming at him to not die, not yet, not when he had so much left to do.

Thomas wanted to cry at that. He didn’t have anything to do. He was an orphan. His birth mother hadn’t wanted him. His adoptive family hadn’t wanted him. No-one wanted him. There was no safe haven for him, there was no-where he could promise his safety. He either died there protecting Kitty or in a few years, forgotten by everyone.

Might as well get it over with.

He pulled his hand back and punched the man who then slammed Thomas into the wall. Thomas’ head impacted with the wall and it lolled backwards as he tried to get himself to concentrate. He had to think, had to push the man far enough. He had to achieve his suicide at least.

It seemed like he wouldn’t need to do that much as the man punched him in the stomach and Thomas coughed. A line of blood filled saliva dripped from his mouth and he pushed his head back up to the man.

“Is that all you’ve got?” Thomas rasped out. The man roared and threw him to the floor. Thomas groaned and tried to shift slightly. Before he could do anything, the man was on top of him, punching and hitting at any spot he could see.

When the man pulled back slightly Thomas was struggling with every breath. He saw the man stride to the bedside cabinet as if he was disconnected. His eyes were beginning to slide shut as he tried to stay awake. He had to push the man over the edge.

“You see, when you interrupted I was in the middle of a punishment.” The man crouched down next to Thomas and pulled out a lighter. “That bitch deserved it. You’ll take it.” It was all the warning Thomas had before he was screaming as the lighter was pushed across his chest. As the man pulled back Thomas’ eyes roved the room as they struggled to focus.

He paused as he spotted the bedside cabinet. The cigarettes. A voice from so many lifetimes ago echoed in his head.

_Cigarettes, my boy. Never touch the damn things, you hear me?_

Thomas felt the tears on his face, as intermixed with blood as it was. His grandfather wouldn’t want this.

He’d want Thomas to fight back.

“Ready for more?” The man asked as he pulled the lighter closer to Thomas. Thomas stared at him for a moment before he launched himself at the man. He caught the man in the shoulder which forced him onto his back. Thomas stared down at the man and growled.

“No.”

Thomas punched the man, ignored how much his body screamed at him as he did. The adrenaline had finally kicked in and he had the strength to punch the man again and again. At some point the man stopped screaming.

At some point much later, Thomas rolled off the man. He took one look at what had once been the man and threw up. He hunched over on himself as wave after wave of nausea hit him. He’d just-

Thomas didn’t let himself think about it as he staggered upright. Each heaving breath sent waves of agony through him but he couldn’t stop. He had to get away from the blood, away from the man.

As soon as he was outside he collapsed into the snow. It was immediately reddened by the blood covering the boy. His knuckles were stained with the other man’s blood as was his face but the rest of the blood was his.

There was too much.

 

When the police arrived they hadn’t expected someone in Thomas’ position. He knew he was barely hanging on to consciousness and was amazed he wasn’t dead already. He still wanted to be. The first officer on the scene handcuffed him and he wanted to laugh at that.

Where would he run? How could he run when he was in so much agony?

The instant the paramedics were there the handcuffs came off and instead Thomas was barraged by questions about what had happened and where he hurt. At some point he started to scream as they prodded him. He wasn’t quite sure when he stopped.

 

Thomas woke up three days after the incident with a clean surgical scar across his abdomen and the handcuffs back on. He was told his spleen had ruptured and they’d needed to intervene.

“Kitty?” Thomas asked weakly. The doctor frowned at him.

“Pardon?”

“Kitty, is she safe?”

“Katherine? Yes. She’s safe. She’s been asking about you since you arrived.”

“Can I see her?”

“The police need to take your statement.”

“Kitty. Please.”

“The police need to take your statement first. Are you ready for that?”

“Yes.” Thomas didn’t care. His life was over. If it was over in a grave or a prison cell, he didn’t care.

Two police officers entered the room, one male and one female. The woman was the one to talk first.

“My name is Detective Griffon and this is Detective Ramsey. We need to get your statement about what happened.”

“Uh- how many days ago was it?”

“Three days, honey.”

“I got a call from Kitty. She was scared and I spoke to her to calm her down. When that didn’t work, I went to her. My foster parents had hurt me and I just wanted to protect her. When I got there her foster father was hurting her. I told the children to go to the house next door and I went to find Kitty. I found her in his bedroom and I told her to run. He hurt me and I- I thought I was about to die. Then he- I fought back. I just wanted to live.”

“What happened then?”

“I think- I think I killed him.” The words made Thomas feel sick. “He was-” He had to break off again as the picture presented itself to him again. “I think I killed him.”

“Did you intend to?”

“No. I just didn’t want to die.”

“Okay. Had you known the man before?”

“No. Kitty had never needed to talk to me before that night. She’d only do it if she was terrified.”

“Why do you think she was so scared?”

“Because he’d hurt her. And he was going to-” Thomas’ voice was soft and he shook his head. “I couldn’t fucking take it if she was hurt like that. I- I had to protect her. I couldn’t just do nothing.”

“The doctors found a lot of injuries on your body. Older than this incident. How did you get them?”

“My foster parents beat me. Last ones did as well. I- look, is Kitty safe? Where is she?”

“Kitty is fine. She came in with some superficial injuries and bruising. She’s much more worried about you.”

“I wanna see her.”

“Okay. We just have a few more questions. Did you go to the house with the intention of killing him?”

“God no.”

“Okay. Thomas Jefferson, you are arrested for first degree murder.”

Thomas phased out after that. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was brought to the prison hospital and all that changed was the wallpaper. His injuries slowly knit themselves back together and in the end nothing changed.

He still wanted to die.

The first day he got out of the hospital he was targeted. He looked a mess with his now permanently crooked nose and the bandages.

He took it to begin with, took the words thrown at him. When the first hits came in, just a way to relieve stress, he took it. He couldn’t bring himself to care. By the time the trial arrived he was ready to get it over with, to accept whatever happened.

Thomas had killed someone and that wasn’t right, it wasn’t just something he could get over. He’d killed someone.

It helped the trial. To them he was just a beat up kid who’d tried to help someone. He could see the pity on their faces but he still couldn’t summon the energy to be offended. He was pretty sure at some point he’d stopped living. He often wondered if he’d died in that house or in that blood stained snow. He wondered if that would have been better.

Thomas existed. He ate when directed and worked on his schoolwork. He slept whenever he could and spent as much time as he could doing nothing.

When Thomas was declared innocent he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to feel happy. He knew Kitty was happy, knew because she still texted him. He didn’t text back.

“So what happens now?” Thomas asked softly. The police officer stared down at him as if he was trash. Thomas was too tired to call him out on it.

“You go back into the system.”

“Where?”

“Wherever the fuck they put you.”

Thomas nodded at that and went back to staring out the window. He just had to get to the new house. If he was going to end it he wanted something quick.

“You’re going to Yorktown.” The man spat out. Thomas looked up at him. “Don’t know why they want scum like you there. It’s for children who are too fucked up. They’ll be in the criminal system in a few years.”

“Wow. Inventive stereotypes. Foster kids are criminals. At least you don’t stray.”

“Shut the fuck up.” The man growled. Thomas just stared at him.

“Why?”

“Because I told you to.”

“You really have this argument design down to a tee don’t you? Anytime someone-” Thomas cut off as he was punched in the stomach.

“I told you to shut up.” The man growled as he grabbed Thomas’ hands. He shoved handcuffs on and tightened them until they bit into Thomas’ skin. Thomas hissed and the man scoffed. “I thought you’d be used to being a punching bag. All you’re useful for.” Thomas felt insults leap to the front of his mind but he pushed them back. There was no point in fighting this person when he couldn’t do anything.

Thomas stared at the house in front of him in almost fear. It looked far too big. He didn’t want to know how many people in there were ready to hurt him.

“Get out of the car.”

Thomas didn’t need any more prompting as he stumbled out of the car. He knew he looked a mess but he still tried to stand straighter. The officer rang the doorbell and Thomas had to force himself to not bolt instantly.

A large man answered the door and Thomas stared at him, feeling himself tense. The man was tall and broad. It looked like he could destroy Thomas in a few hits.

“George Washington?” The police officer asked. The man nodded. “This is the new kid.”

“What’s your name, son?”

“His name’s Thomas Jefferson.” The police officer spoke over Thomas who glanced at him. Washington frowned at the two but nodded.

“Come in.”

Thomas stepped into the house and stared around cautiously. He saw a girl around his own age and locked eyes with her. She had dark skin, long dark hair and inquisitive eyes that went straight to his handcuffs.

“Hello darling.” Thomas drawled out. She stared at him for a moment before the police officer intervened. He shoved Thomas and Thomas hissed as the movement disrupted his injuries. Washington, in front of them, hadn’t noticed.

Angelica had.

The three stepped into an office and Thomas sat down in one of the chairs, facing Washington. Washington regarded him for a moment.

“Why is he handcuffed?” Washington asked the officer.

“He’s just been in a trial over whether or not he killed someone. I didn’t think it was safe to let him free.”

“Release him, please.”

“Are you sure?”

“If he is going to live here then he isn’t going to be handcuffed.”

“It might be safer-”

“Unlock the handcuffs, please.” Washington’s tone was final and the officer nodded slowly. Thomas tried to muffle his hiss of pain as the handcuffs were removed. The officer smiled down at him at that and Thomas smiled back.

“Thanks, darling.”

The officer’s face darkened at that and Washington sighed.

“Why did you choose to come here?” Washington asked. Thomas went to answer but the police officer spoke over him again.

“He didn’t have a choice. You were the only place. If another home comes up then we can bring him back. Or we wait to move him to juvie.”

“I was under the impression you were cleared of all charges.” Washington looked back to Thomas as if the police officer was about to allow him to say anything. Thomas didn’t bother even trying to talk, instead he just stared down at his wrists where dark bruises were beginning to form.

“It’ll only be a matter of time until he recommits.”

Thomas didn’t bother asking how he could recommit when he’d never committed in the first place.

“Thomas, are you planning on committing a crime?”

“No.”

“He wouldn’t exactly confess, would he? Nothing would change. It’s his DNA. He’s a-”

“I think we’re done here.” Washington stated as he stood. Thomas flinched slightly and then cursed himself. The police officer smirked at that.

“Bit jumpy aren’t you?”

“Just so excited to be here.” Thomas replied sarcastically. The officer’s face darkened but Washington intervened before anything else could happen.

“Thank you for bringing him here.”

“Call me when he gets himself in trouble.”

“I will.” Washington watched the man go and then sat back down across from Thomas, staring at him. Thomas returned the gaze evenly until Washington finally broke the silence.

“This is my home, Thomas. I have opened it to you and to other children because you need a home as well. I set the rules here and if you break them then you will be suitably punished. I will not hit you and I will never withhold food or warmth. Yorktown is the last place for a lot of people. I think you might be one of them. I will try to facilitate you but if you act out then I will not allow you to disrupt the rest of the children here.”

“I can behave myself perfectly, sir.” Thomas didn’t believe a word of what Washington was saying but he didn’t care. All he had to do was get out of the office and get his hands on something sharp, wait until he was alone and bleed out somewhere.

“Well, come on. I’ll show you to your room.”

Thomas stood and flexed his wrist, wincing at where the handcuffs had bitten in. Washington noticed it and scowled.

“Did that man do this?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he hit you?”

“Yeah.”

Washington’s face darkened at that.

“Why?”

“Because I argued back.”

“There is no excuse to hit a child. That one is particularly poor. I’ll be in contact with his superiors.”

“Okay.” Thomas flexed and winced as he heard his back clicking. It always did that since one of his first houses when a switch had landed a bit too hard. Washington noticed the movement but didn’t comment on it.

Washington strode out of the room and Thomas followed behind at a slower pace. He spotted a teenager standing in the hallway, staring straight at him with almost a look of fear. Thomas sighed internally and forced a smile onto his face. Just a bit longer. Had to be charming for a bit longer.

Then the boy collapsed backwards and everything was off the table as Thomas realised someone had to protect this kid. Thomas wasn’t exactly going to be doing anything else.

 

As he curled into a ball in his room Jefferson tried to convince himself he only helped James because he was there. He hadn’t wanted to die. He still didn’t.

He just wanted to help. He just wanted to be happy.


	72. They Will Tear Each Other Into Pieces, Jesus Christ This Will Be Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning here for misgendering and just general intolerance towards Laf

Lafayette was sat on their bed, staring into their wardrobe. They could see the dresses hanging in there and they wanted to take one of them so badly but they knew they couldn’t. They had to go to school.

At their side their phone buzzed and Lafayette whined. They picked up the phone and stared at the new messages.

**From: New Number**

**They can’t keep me away from you Gilbert**

**From: New Number**

**I’ll bring you home if it’s the last thing I do**

**From: New Number**

**We’ll be a family again**

Lafayette stared at the messages and felt sick. They put the phone back down and slowly walked to the wardrobe. Either of the dresses could be worn on a normal day but it was so daunting to imagine it.

Before they could change their mind they grabbed the dress and pulled it on. They felt a long breath escape and they smiled softly. They then pulled on tights and slowly walked down the stairs. Everyone else was already sat at the table as they arrived. Hercules was the first to look up. He frowned slightly.

“Pro-nouns?”

“She, her.” Lafayette whispered. Hercules nodded and smiled.

“Come on.” He gestured to the seat next to his and she sat down. Hercules hugged her for a moment before he turned back to his plate. Lafayette noticed how empty it was for the first time and sighed.

“It’s okay.” She whispered to him. “You just need to eat a bit.”

“I know.” Hercules said, at a normal volume. He picked up his spoon but hesitated again as he stared into the bowl. Lafayette watched him, confused. He’d said that it wasn’t anything to be worried about. He’d said that it wasn’t a problem so why couldn’t he eat?

“It’ll take a while for your body to adjust.” Jefferson piped up from the other end of the table. Hercules’ gaze flickered to him. Jefferson looked exhausted but he still smiled softly at Hercules. “Give it time and everything will be fine.”

“Yeah.” Hercules choked out as he took a spoonful of cereal and forced it down. He went for another before he turned to Lafayette. “Are you wearing that to school today?”

“Maybe.” Lafayette shrugged. “I wish to.”

“Then you should.”

“I am worried I shall look foolish.”

“You look beautiful, Laf.”

“Oui.” Lafayette muttered. They both looked back to Hercules bowl and he sighed.

“I just can’t, right now.”

“That is okay. Time. That is all it will take.”

“Yeah. I know.” Hercules smiled at Lafayette

“Do not fret. I am here.”

“Thank you.”

 

Lafayette paused as she stared at the bus. She wrung her hands nervously as she stared at the people in the bus, all the people who were staring at her. Lafayette turned to go back but a hand caught her.

She expected it to be Hercules or Jefferson and was surprised when it was Burr.

“Burr?”

“Come on. Just smile.” Burr pulled her forwards gently and then released her. Lafayette watched him in confusion as he got onto the bus but didn’t ask anything else. “It’ll be fine.”

“And how do you think that?”

“Look at Jefferson.”

Lafayette glanced at Jefferson who was glaring at the people who were watching Lafayette. Lafayette wondered how she hadn’t spotted it for a moment.

“Merci.” Lafayette said softly. Burr nodded and stepped back. Lafayette steeled herself and stepped forwards onto the bus. The bus quietened when she stepped on and she sat down, avoiding the eyes.

“Stop fucking staring at her.” Alexander snarled. Lafayette glanced at him before offering a shaky smile. The bus looked away and Lafayette forced herself to not curl into herself again. She could do this.

Lafayette smiled. She could do this.

 

She couldn’t do this.

Lafayette could feel her heart picking up as she stared at Seabury and his cronies.

“Leave.” Lafayette spat out. Seabury just smirked and stepped forwards.

“You going to make me?”

“It did not work out well for you last time, did it?” Lafayette snarled out. Seabury grabbed the shoulder of her dress and pushed her into the wall. She felt her breath escape her body and stared at him.

“I don’t see your whore boyfriend anywhere.”

“Do not call him that!”

“It’s what he is. He bent over for Reynolds. How many other people do you think he did it for?” Seabury leant forwards and Lafayette glared. “How long til he goes back to it? You’re not going to satisfy him. You can’t satisfy a slut like that.”

“Do not call him that!” Lafayette spat out, pushing him back. He instantly pushed back, pinning her to the wall.

“I don’t see anyone else here. Not the psycho either. Just the freak.”

“At least I am not you.”

Lafayette whimpered as a fist connected with her face. She stumbled slightly but was then pushed back into the wall.

“What did you just say?”

“You are nothing! I-”

“You’re a fucking freak!” Seabury punched Lafayette again and she doubled over. “Everyone fucking knows it. You can try to hide it but you can’t. Can’t dress properly. Can’t cope without the other freaks. Can’t even speak English!”

Lafayette sucked in a breath at that and closed her eyes. Seabury noticed it and smirked.

“I heard your last dad beat it out of you. How long do you reckon it’ll take to make you normal?”

“I- I am normal.” Lafayette whispered. Seabury scoffed.

“You’re a freak. A fucking tranny who can’t even decide.”

“That-”

“How long til your whore boyfriend figures out just what you are and drops you?”

“Lâchez-moi!”

“Can’t even speak English.” Seabury taunted.

Lafayette vaguely noticed that tears were gathering in the edges of her eyes but she couldn’t bring herself to stop them as Seabury dissected her fears. Seabury smirked and grabbed a handful of the dress.

Lafayette glared at him but she was still not prepared when he dragged his hand down. She squeaked in surprise as the dress ripped along the front. She grabbed at it and heard Seabury begin to laugh as if he was far away.

She felt her chin trembling and forced herself to not cry, not yet.

“So what’s happening here?” A cold voice asked. Lafayette looked up to see Burr standing there. He didn’t seem large and scary like Jefferson or small and fierce like Alexander. He was just Burr. Even so, there was a permanence to him that Lafayette couldn’t explain. Burr was staring at Seabury who shifted uncomfortably.

“We’re teaching the freak a lesson.”

“I suggest you leave.” Burr’s voice had changed. Lafayette couldn’t describe it but it scared her. “You never know what happens when freaks band together.” Seabury glared at him for a moment before he looked back at the other people who shrugged. He scoffed and slunk away.

Burr watched them go until they were out of eyeshot. He then stepped towards Lafayette and sighed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”

“Je ne comprends pas.”

“Jefferson sent me to check on you.”

“Mais comment savais-tu où je serais?”

“Seabury likes to corner people here. We should move before they come back.”

“Oui. Je-” Lafayette paused and frowned. “I was speaking French.”

“Yes.” Burr stared at Lafayette as if waiting for her to continue.

“You understand French?”

“Yes.”

Lafayette stared at him for several moments before she shook her head and filed the information away for later.

“I- I think I must go home.” Lafayette sniffled at the end of that as she stared down at her ripped dress.

“I’ll come with you to the office.” Burr started to walk with Lafayette following a step behind. When they reached the office Burr paused to let Lafayette walk in first. Lafayette saw the secretary pause before she stood and ushered Lafayette into the principal’s office.

Burr hesitated outside before he slunk out of the room.

Lafayette sat down in front of the principal and wiped at her eyes. He stared at her stonily.

“What happened?”

“Seabury cornered me and attacked me. He ripped my dress.”

“Why?”

“I- I do not-”

“That dress is not appropriate school attire. Do you know that?”

“I was not-”

“What did you expect to happen?”

“I just thought…” Lafayette’s quiet voice trailed off into nothing. What _had_ she been thinking?

“I’ll call your guardian. This clothing is not acceptable, Lafayette.”

“It- th-the woman are allowed it.”

“You’re not a woman. You will be suspended for the next week.”

“What?” Lafayette asked in amazement.

“You’re in unsuitable school attire and you picked a fight.”

“I was attacked!”

“Your behaviour initiated the fight. Go sit outside while I call Mr Washington.”

Lafayette stared at the man for several long moments before she sat back down in the chair. She could feel the assistant’s eyes and she curled in on herself.

Washington arrived after twenty minutes. He took one look at Lafayette before his face turned stony. He turned to the office but seemed to stop himself.

“Come on, son.” Washington said, gesturing for Lafayette to follow. She stood, clutching the still torn dress to herself.

“I have been suspended.” Lafayette said softly. Washington nodded slowly.

“I’m going to have a talk with your principal about that. Don’t worry.”

Lafayette nodded and followed Washington back to the car. She then curled in on herself. Washington shot her worried looks but she ignored the few she spotted.

Maybe it had been a mistake. Maybe it had all been a mistake. Maybe she really was just looking for attention. Maybe she wasn’t a she.

When Lafayette got back to Yorktown she went straight up to her room. She pulled the dress off and gently laid it across her bed. She stared at it before she began to sob. She’d broken Hercules’ gift.

Lafayette stared at the dress and stood. She strode to the wardrobe and grabbed her first dress and the top. She threw them into the box she’d kept them in for so long and didn’t let herself feel anything. She grabbed the bag of make-up Angelica had given to her and threw that into the box as well.

She closed the box with a slam and shoved it into the back of her closet, not letting herself think too hard.

Lafayette then sat on her bed and put her head into her hands. Seabury was right. None of this was real. She obviously just wanted attention, just wanted to make up for Frederick and everything he had done.

She knew what she’d convinced herself wasn’t true. She’d clung to a label that didn’t belong to her and-

Lafayette shook her head. She was being stupid. She wasn’t a girl.

Lafayette took in a deep breath. He was a boy.

He wasn’t gender fluid, he wasn’t transgender or Agender. He was male. Thinking he had ever been anything else had been stupid and selfish. He didn’t deserve to take that title from the people who owned it. He didn’t deserve to put himself with that group just because he wanted to.

He wasn’t gender fluid. He was male.

That was all he would ever be.

 

When school was over Lafayette was sat in his room. He heard a knock on the door and looked up to see Hercules standing there.

“Mon amour.” Lafayette smiled widely and gestured for Hercules to sit down.

“I heard what happened in school. Are you- okay?”

“Oui. It was Seabury. I know well enough to not allow him to anger me.”

“You’re not wearing your dress.”

“Non.” Lafayette sighed and gestured to the folded material next to Hercules. Hercules unfolded it and sighed.

“Seabury did this?”

“Oui. It does not matter too much.”

“What?”

“I- I mean-” Lafayette sighed. “I- I ceased to be she.”

“It just changes in the middle of the day?”

“Oui.” Lafayette lied. He cringed at Hercules’ confusion. He was right, it had been upsetting Hercules, trying to put up with his gender bullshit.

“Oh.” Hercules frowned but nodded. “I can try to fix this dress if you want.”

“Truly?”

“Yeah.”

“That would be amazing.” Lafayette smiled and Hercules returned the gesture.

“What did Seabury say to you?”

“Called me some names. It was cruel but…” Lafayette shrugged and Hercules scowled.

“Let’s go downstairs.” Hercules reached for Lafayette’s hand and he accepted it. Lafayette was slowly pulled up and Hercules paused. He turned to Lafayette and cupped his face. Lafayette stared at Hercules and waited with bated breath. Hercules leant in and kissed Lafayette’s lips. Lafayette didn’t dare move for fear of forcing Hercules into a headspace he wouldn’t get out of.

After a moment Hercules pulled back and stared at Lafayette. There was something open in his eyes, something that looked ready to break if Lafayette did the wrong thing.

Lafayette raised the hand he was holding and kissed it gently. Hercules smiled.

“Come, mon amour, we should go down.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

 

By the time Lafayette was getting ready for bed he’d worked it out. His gender bullshit was just a phase, was just him forcing everyone around him to adapt for no fucking reason.

So he’d stop it. He wouldn’t go into the box hidden in the back of his closet. He wouldn’t correct people for his pro-nouns. He didn’t have other pro-nouns he reminded himself. He wasn’t gender fluid. He was a man.

For some reason that statement made Lafayette want to break down in tears. He didn’t let himself think about it for too long.

Lafayette wanted to sob as his phone buzzed. He picked it up and froze in terror.

**From: New Number**

**Don’t worry, Seabury will never hurt you again**

**From: New Number**

**I’ll always be here Gilbert**

**From: New Number**

**I won’t let anyone else touch you**

**From: New Number**

**I’ll save you soon Gilbert. We’ll be happy**

**From: New Number**

**We’ll be happy as a family**


	73. What Is A Legacy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, the title of this chapter is where I got the title of this fic (along with the rest of Hamilton's final monologue) alternate titles were; 'the silenced symphony', 'the unfinished symphony' and 'a forgotten note in a voiceless symphony'. They all came from the line 'America, you great unfinished symphony' because at the end of the day these kids are America's future and they're being silenced and their voices are being stolen by the people who are more powerful. 'A forgotten note in a voiceless symphony' I loved and still do love which is why I have a side fic which is called 'a forgotten note' which is non canonical and complicated and horrible but i still love it

Alexander stood outside Jefferson’s door, glaring at the wood. In his ears his music was blasting. It had a fast tempo but it wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t enough to calm down his racing emotions. Ever since James had been hospitalised Jefferson hadn’t tutored Alexander.

In the beginning Alexander had welcomed it, had been glad he didn’t need to put up with Jefferson anymore. The problem was that he didn’t want to repeat a year.

And Jefferson was the person who could stop that.

“Are you just going to stand there all day?” Alexander jumped at Jefferson’s voice and whirled around. The boy was staring at him with a faint grin on his face. “What do you want, Alexander?”

“Tutoring.” Alexander mumbled. Jefferson frowned.

“Pardon?”

“Tutoring.” Alexander said, barely above a whisper.

“I thought-” Jefferson frowned before he smoothed his face and smiled. “Come on in.” He pushed the door open and strode in. Alexander followed and stared around the room. Jefferson’s room was always perfectly clean, to an almost freaky degree. It was almost as bad as Burr’s which was almost aggressively clean.

“Thanks.” Alexander mumbled as he approached the desk. Jefferson nodded as he pushed papers aside. Alexander noticed a thick manila envelope and frowned. “What’s that?”

“Grandmother’s will.” Jefferson muttered.

“Oh. What does it say?”

“Half her stuff goes to me. Half of it’s in a trust until her grandchild is twenty one.”

“Twenty one?”

“My parents can’t touch it. She was obviously hoping that the kid’s going to have some sense by then.”

“I wouldn’t hold out hope. You don’t have any.”

“And there we were, having a nice conversation.” Jefferson arched an eyebrow at Alexander. “I thought you came in here to ask for my help?”

“I asked you to do what Washington told you to do.”

“Have you talked to him about your ADD yet?”

“I don’t have ADHD.” Alexander sniped back as he sat down. Jefferson stared at him before he sighed. He threw his head back and groaned gently. He then turned to Alexander.

“You have ADD.” His voice was softer than usual. “You have a learning difficulty. It doesn’t affect how intelligent you are. It just-”

“Learning things _is_ intelligence. There’s no baseline intelligence! An IQ isn’t a way of figuring out how clever you are, it’s how clever you could be if you managed to learn the stuff! I don’t have ADHD.”

“Why do you continue to fight me when you know I’m right?” Any softness had vanished from Jefferson’s voice as he glared at Alexander who glared mutinously back.

“You’re not always right, Jefferson.”

“A lot of the time I am.”

“What does it matter? Just teach me.”

“Fine.”

Alexander looked at Jefferson oddly at that, for folding so quickly. Normally Jefferson would argue forever with him.

“What?” Jefferson asked testily.

“You agreed with me.”

“No. I realised I’m not going to be able to get through your thick skull if you don’t want to learn.”

“Well good thing for you I do wanna learn.” Alexander sat back and stared at Jefferson.

“What’s your worst subject right now?”

“Maths.”

“Okay.”

As the lesson continued Alexander realised there was something wrong with Jefferson. The boy kept on staring into nothing. Alexander would talk to him but he didn’t respond. Eventually Alexander had had enough.

“Jefferson. Jefferson. Jefferson. Thomas. Thomas.” Alexander sighed and grabbed his pen. He raised it to Jefferson’s cheek and drew a line across his cheek. Jefferson yelped and jumped backwards. Alexander laughed at that but stopped when Jefferson whirled on him.

“What the fuck, Hamilton?”

“You weren’t paying attention.”

“That’s Sharpie!”

“Yeah.”

“You-” Jefferson broke off with a growl and shook his head. He turned back to the textbook and Alexander scowled.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

“What?”

“Normally you’d still be yelling at me.”

“If you want then I’ll get right on that.”

“Well then go ahead.”

Jefferson opened his mouth before he closed it again. He scowled at Alexander and stood.

“Get the hell out of my room, Hamilton.”

“Jefferson-”

“Out.”

Alexander sighed and stood.

“If something’s wrong-”

“Then what?”

“Then fucking talk to me, Jefferson! You put your nose in other people’s business. Let someone else help you for a damn moment.”

“I didn’t exactly help them did I?”

“What?”

“I-” Jefferson paused and shook his head. “Get out.”

Alexander stared at him for a moment before he nodded and left the room. He went to walk back to his room but then paused. He knocked on James’ door and opened it before the boy had a chance to reject him.

James was lying on his bed, seeming to have been woken from a nap. He stared at Alexander muzzily for a second before he groaned. Alexander tried to not take that as an insult.

“How can I help you?” James lay back down and closed his eyes. Alexander closed the door and sat down in the seat.

“Jefferson’s not great right now, is he?”

“What?” James opened his eyes and turned to Alexander at that.

“Jefferson. What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing?”

“No. He’s upset.”

“I don’t-” James sat up slowly and leant back against the wall for support. “What about?”

“I don’t know but he gave up arguing with me.” James stared at him for a moment after that before he sighed.

“Of course that’s strange for you two. Could it be that he just agreed with you?”

“No. No way.”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No-one else in this place can get through to him!”

“That’s not entirely true.” James shuffled to the edge of his bed and pulled his wheelchair closer. Alexander paused, not quite sure of what he should do. James sat down in the wheelchair and sighed. “I’ll go talk to him, okay?”

“Why do you think he’s upset?” Alexander asked softly.

“I don’t know.”

“Could it be Herc?”

“Herc?”

“I mean, Jefferson didn’t see Herc starving himself. That must have hit him quite bad. He spots everything.”

James hesitated for a moment before he responded.

“Thomas did see it.”

“What?”

“He mentioned it to me a few times, how Hercules wasn’t eating normally.”

“And he didn’t do anything?”

“I- Jefferson tries to help, Alexander. That typically doesn’t mean publishing a reveal all.”

“Well that felt like a direct dig.”

“All I meant was that-” James paused as the door opened to reveal Jefferson. He looked at the two of them and raised an eyebrow.

“Should I be worried?”

“About what?” Alexander asked.

“You two hatching a plot against me.” Jefferson closed the door and leant against the frame.

“Alexander said he was worried.”

“Worried about me?” Jefferson scoffed. “You don’t need to worry yourself, petit lion. I’m fine.”

“Thomas-” James started before Jefferson cut him off.

“Don’t call me Thomas to try to get through to me.”

“You noticed Herc and didn’t say anything.” Alexander broke through James’ attempts to continue his own line of argument. “James told me.” Jefferson shot James a look which he just shrugged off.

“Does it matter if I noticed? Hercules is getting help now.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Isn’t that apparently my thing?” Jefferson’s voice was acidic and he couldn’t meet Alexander’s eyes. “Not saying anything. I’m nearly as bad as Burr.”

“But you do normally do stuff. You helped Maria and Hercules against Reynolds. You helped Laf with the gender stuff. You-”

“You help me.” James said softly. Jefferson glanced at him and nodded.

“I didn’t say anything about Hercules because I thought I was managing it. I doubted he’d want to talk to me. He was already dealing with a lot so I decided I’d talk to him about it after the trial. Before that I just kept an eye on him. Obviously not well enough.”

“Did you know it had gotten this bad?” Alexander asked, curiously. Jefferson shrugged.

“I knew it was bad. I- I did miss some of it. I don’t know how extreme it got and I don’t know why he was doing it. I don’t know if he’s going to stop now or…”

“Laf told me Herc will.”

“Because Hercules has never lied to you.” Jefferson shot back with derision dropping from every word. Alexander just glared at him. “I’ll watch Hercules. It-”

“You need to talk to us.” James interrupted. “I know you don’t want to but you have to. You have to have someone, Thomas.”

“It’s fine, James. When it gets to be too much-”

“Don’t, Thomas. Don’t try and tell me it hasn’t been too much. I know what you did in the hospital. I know what you were thinking of doing. Don’t lie to me.”

“Sorry.” Jefferson looked suitably chastised and Alexander looked between the two of them in confusion.

“What happened?”

“None of your-”

“He punched the wall to hurt himself.”

“I’ve told you it wasn’t like that.”

“Really, Thomas? You’re trying to tell me you made your hands bleed over something else?”

“I just-” Jefferson sighed. “You don’t need to worry about me, James. You just need to get better.”

“Well right now I’m trying to do both and I know that I can’t make you better. I’m sick of not having a solution to either problem. Talk to me Thomas, please.”

“I will.” Thomas lied. “When it gets to be too much. I’ll tell you. I promise.”

 

Alexander was the first person to spot the man standing outside school the next day. He was staring into the school itself. Alexander wasn’t sure what it was about the man but it put him on edge. He nudged Hercules and pointed to the man.

“What do you reckon he’s doing?”

Hercules turned and froze where he stood. Alexander stared at him in confusion as Hercules’ breath picked up and he stumbled back a few steps.

“Woah.” Jefferson said softly as Hercules backed into him. “You alright?”

“I- I need-” Hercules’ breath was coming too fast and Alexander was staring at him in horror.

“What’s wrong?”

“Laf!” Hercules twisted to find his partner. Lafayette was there in a moment.

“Mon amour?”

“George.” Hercules pointed to the figure and Lafayette stilled. Angelica frowned as Maria also shifted uncomfortably.

“King?” She asked softly. Hercules nodded.

“What the fuck is he doing this close to a school?” Alexander snarled out. He took several steps forwards before Maria grabbed him. He turned around in surprise at that. She didn’t normally touch him. She didn’t normally touch anyone other than Eliza and Jefferson.

“Do-don’t.” Maria muttered, looking terrified.

“Why not?”

“He ain’t-” Maria broke off as the man turned to the group. He locked eyes with Lafayette who shrunk back slightly. Jefferson noticed the stare and put an arm around Lafayette and whispered something into his ear.

Lafayette nodded and sank down to Hercules, breaking eye contact with Frederick. Alexander saw the man’s hands tighten into fists and he realised something was about to happen. Alexander took a step forwards but before he could a hand pushed him back.

He stared in confusion as Burr stepped forwards.

“Let me.” Burr said softly. He took a breath and then he stepped towards the man. Alexander stared after him in confusion and went to follow but Angelica blocked him.

“He’s dangerous, Alexander.”

“So we’re letting Aaron talk to him?”

“Burr he- he might be able to do something.”

 

“Excuse me.” Burr said softly. George turned to him, looking annoyed.

“What do you want?”

“I was just wondering why you were here.”

“I’m here to talk to my son.”

“What’s his name? I might know him.”

“Gilbert de Lafayette.”

“I do know him. We’re friends. Do you want me to pass on a message?”

“I want to talk to him.”

“Sir, are you allowed on school property?”

“Well-”

“Our school is unfortunately quite strict on that. Are you allowed near Laf?”

“He is my son.”

“Does the law view it like that?”

“Are you threatening me?” The man growled out. Burr shook his head.

“Do I look like I could? I don’t mean to be rude, sir. Do you have a message you want me to relay?”

“Tell him I’m close. Tell him we’ll be happy, just a few more days.”

“Of course. Will you be leaving now?” George stared at Lafayette hungrily. Burr shifted slightly and partially blocked the man’s view. He didn’t try to make himself seem bigger, just kept his cool gaze on George. “Sir?”

“Yes. I’m leaving.” George looked at Lafayette before he turned and walked away. Burr watched him go before he walked back to the group who were staring at him.

“What did you say?” Lafayette asked softly. Burr just shrugged.

“I told him to leave.”

“You- you just told him to leave?” Eliza asked incredulously. Burr nodded.

“And he did it? King don’t let anyone order him around.” Maria’s voice was soft and Eliza squeezed her hand.

“It’s fine. We can report the incident to the school and make sure he doesn’t come back.”

“Really?” Lafayette asked quietly. Burr smiled and nodded.

“He can’t hurt you if he’s not here.”

Jefferson was staring at Burr oddly and Burr shifted uncomfortably. Alexander smiled and stepped forwards. He slapped a hand on Burr’s shoulder which made him flinch slightly.

“I knew there was a reason we kept you around!”

Burr stared at him with a small bemused smile playing across his face. The rest of the group relaxed and walked towards the school proper.

Hercules hung back and stared at where George had been. Jefferson noticed and paused to turn to him.

“If you don’t want to go inside then you can go home.” Jefferson said softly. Hercules shook his head.

“I can’t just run.”

“Yes, you can. You can run back to Yorktown whenever you want.”

“No.” Hercules snapped out. “I can’t! Stop trying to fucking coddle me, Jefferson!” Jefferson pulled back with a flash of hurt in his eyes. After a moment he nodded and turned to leave. Hercules watched him go and sighed. “That was too harsh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry.” Jefferson smiled weakly. “Nothing I don’t deserve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at Burr's speech patterns which are cool but complicated.  
> Also! If you want a happier, more Christmassy, more James/Jeffersoney fic check out my fic called 'Noel' which is a pretend relationship and I promise there will be fluff (and maybe also crippling depression and frank discussions about how difficult getting over death is when starting a new relationship) but also fluff!


	74. My Heart In My Head

Reynolds had taught Maria a lot of things. She’d known some of them but he helped further cement them until she thought they’d never be torn out of her mind. He’d taught her with pain and starvation and harsh words that made her want to curl up into nothing. Instead of giving up she had pulled back, had allowed anything to happen because she deserved it.

Eliza had crept into Maria’s mind. She’d never meant to fall for the girl, had been terrified the first time they’d kissed because Maria knew what she was. Eliza slipped into Maria’s mind softly. She changed Maria in ways the other girl didn’t really understand.

Eliza was the one who convinced Maria that she was worth a damn. She was the one who pushed Maria back every time Maria tried to repay Eliza the only way she knew. Eliza would be the one to ask, again and again, if this was what she wanted.

Every time Maria hesitated Eliza would nod with that same sad look and ask if Maria wanted to watch TV or read a book or anything. When Maria jolted awake from nightmares that were more memories than anything else Eliza would be there.

Reynolds was a topic the two stayed away from at all costs. Well, Maria kept away from it. Eliza wanted to talk to her about it but she refused. She had enough memories of Reynolds to spend every night remembering just what he’d done to her.

In her nightmares everyone came to the forefront again. Occasionally it was her mother, drugged out of her mind and smiling as Maria screamed. Sometimes it was one of the faceless men Reynolds had forced her towards, men that Maria could control, could make them stop hurting her quite so badly.

Whenever Maria even started to voice her thoughts towards those people Eliza would be there. When Maria broke down crying Eliza was there and never did anything other than comfort her.

Reynolds had taught Maria an awful lot. Reynolds had taught her how to fear. Eliza taught her more. Eliza taught her how to love again.

 

Maria had been keeping an eye on Hercules for a while. Ever since he’d ran into her outside the classroom, the first day he was pulled into her world. She still couldn’t stop herself from wondering just what had happened if Reynolds had never get his claws into Hercules.

Maybe someone else would have been pulled in, someone else who could easily have been manipulated and hurt. Maybe it would have been no-one. Maria was fairly sure that it would have been someone else, someone who wouldn’t have even had the faintest lie of consent.

When Hercules sat down at the dinner table Maria could feel the atmosphere change. Jefferson, Lafayette, Alexander, Angelica and James were suddenly focused on Hercules. Jefferson, Lafayette Angelica and James were subtle about it.

Alexander wasn’t.

He continued to just stare in interest as Hercules started to stab at the food on his plate. Maria glanced at the food as well and bit her lip.

“It’s good stuff, Herc.” Maria said softly. Hercules glanced at her and nodded.

“Not hungry.”

“You gotta eat.”

“I know Mari. I will.”

“You ain’t.”

“I know!” Hercules snapped. Maria flinched back and Hercules sighed. “Sorry.” Maria nodded and glanced at Jefferson. He was watching the conversation with a frown.

“Come on, Hercules.” Jefferson stood and Hercules watched him. “I don’t think you’re going to eat anything here, do you?” Hercules shook his head and stood. Lafayette watched them go but said nothing.

When Hercules was in the kitchen Jefferson gestured for him to sit down.

“So what do you want?” Jefferson rifled through the cupboards.

“I-”

“Wrong!” Jefferson grinned as he pulled down a packet. “Mac and cheese!”

“What?”

“It’s a good source of food.” Jefferson walked to the fridge and pulled out milk, butter and cheese. “It’s been a while since I cooked the real stuff.”

“Real stuff?”

“Not the powdered one. It’s good though. Nice and quick. You can make it with cold water as well.”

“Why would you want to?”

“Well,” Jefferson chuckled, “exactly.” He continued to move around the kitchen, pulling out pans. “It’s easier than people think to make the real thing. It’s a simple roux, some cheese and then pasta.”

“When did you learn to cook?”

Jefferson paused for a moment and glanced to Hercules. He looked as if he was trying to work Hercules out, as if he was a puzzle to be solved.

“My grandmother. She loved baking.”

“Grandmother?”

“She died a few months ago.”

“Oh. I- I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” Jefferson stared at the pan in front of him. “Me too.” Jefferson took in a deep breath before he smiled again. “Anyway. She taught me how to cook some basic things. I always loved macaroni. I don’t like the powdered version a lot. This is real comfort food. The powdered one is just a bad imitation.”

“Why weren’t you living with your grandmother?”

“What?”

“When she died. You weren’t living with her.”

“Well,” Jefferson scoffed and shook his head. “She wasn’t my birth grandmother. My foster family abandoned me. She kept on talking to me even after everything. Even- even in juvie. She still talked to me.”

The room fell into silence then as Jefferson continued to bustle around the kitchen. Hercules stared at him until eventually a bowl landed in front of him. He stared at it and felt bile rise in his throat. He glanced at Jefferson and shook his head.

“I-”

“Just try it.” Jefferson said softly. “I’ve never been able to make it as well as my grandmother but it’s something.”

“Wh- why didn’t she adopt you?” Hercules was stalling but Jefferson still answered.

“My first family was poor. I didn’t realise it back then but I can see it now. The father was fired from his job. The mother couldn’t find a job. The debts piled up. My grandparents tried to help but they couldn’t. The family decided that they- they couldn’t look after two children.”

“Two?” Hercules picked up his fork and poked at the food. “Yo-you have a sibling?”

“The mother got pregnant. They couldn’t afford two children so they abandoned me. My grandfather had a series of catastrophic strokes that hospitalised and eventually killed him.” Jefferson stared down at his hands.

“I- I didn’t know.” Hercules half whispered. Jefferson shrugged, still not meeting Hercules’ eyes.

“I didn’t tell anyone. Eat up.”

Hercules took a bite of the food and turned it over in his mouth for several long moments before he swallowed it. It stuck in his throat and he had to force it down.

“Here.” Jefferson slid a glass forwards and Hercules took it. “I never met the kid who replaced me. Never wanted to either.”

“Did you ever talk to the family?”

“No. Well, not really. My grandparents left me almost everything. A bit for the other kid. My first family got in contact with me a few times to order me to give up the money but I didn’t.”

“Give up the money?”

“They said I didn’t deserve it. Something about not being related to them.” Jefferson scoffed and stabbed a piece of pasta with more force than needed. “Fucking glad I’m not related to them.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I’m being honest. I’m working with a lot less than what I was promised. Your illness is about to explode and I’m here to lighten the load. So?”

“I-” Hercules looked away.

“Herc, this isn’t healthy. I don’t care if you refuse to give it a real name. Your eating is disordered.  Maybe it’s not diagnosable but it’s unhealthy. It could kill you.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s meant to scare you.”

“Of course it does. It’s just-” Hercules stared at the bowl before he shook his head. “What’s the difference?”

“What?”

“It’s- I die today or in ten years. What’s the difference? I’m still a- a whore. I still let them-” Hercules took in a deep breath and forced himself to stop thinking. Jefferson sighed and put his bowl aside.

“Because what happened doesn’t change who you are. You’re not a whore, Herc. You slept with people to look after your family. You sacrificed yourself. You went back time and time again even when you knew it was killing you. Nothing got in your way.”

“You don’t understand what they did.” Hercules’ voice broke and he shook his head. “He-”

“You’re right.” Jefferson shrugged. He looked small, defeated. “I don’t. I don’t know how to help you either. I don’t know if I’m doing any of this right. None of my families ever did that to me. They- they hit me plenty but never that.” Jefferson sighed. “I do know that you deserve so much better than this though. You’re such a fucking good person, Herc. I dunno which side of the narrative I’d land on but I know where you’d end up. You saved your family.”

“I didn’t-”

“Yes you did. If anyone else in this house was hurting like that what would you do?”

“Try to help them.”

“Even if it was their fault that they got into that situation?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the point. You sacrifice for other people without-”

“So do you.”

“What?”

“You sacrifice for other people.”

“I’ve never done anything like what you did. I-”

“You killed someone.”

“Yes.” Jefferson inclined his head slightly. “I did do that.”

“Why?”

“Because- because I knew that was the only way to protect Kitty.”

“Kitty?”

“A girl who was my sister in one of my foster homes. I wanted to stay with her but I couldn’t. She- she’s probably the closest thing I have to a sister.”

“What about Maria?”

“Well,” Jefferson smiled. “Apart from Yorktown. We’re all family here.”

“Even me?”

“It’s funny. Places like Yorktown don’t really exist anymore. It’s seen as an unhealthy place for kids to grow up. Foster families are better, experts say. Those experts have never fucking met foster families. Yorktown’s a home. Even you and Maria are family. You’ve only been here for a few months. We’re thrown into this system expecting to be happy and then we’re sent here, expected to just grow out the system. This is the end of the line, this is the point where the broken toys go.”

“So now I’m a broken toy?”

“Do you think any of us are? We’ve been fucked over but we’re still here. Yorktown is more than a building, it’s more than Washington. Yorktown is- it’s-” Jefferson sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah.” Hercules stared back down at his bowl and frowned to see it half empty. Jefferson took the rest of it and put it up on the counter. “What-”

“You’re sick, Herc. I wanted to see if distracting you would help. It does.”

“So all of that was just…”

“No. All of that was me trying to work out if you belong here.”

“Do I?”

“Of course you do. Everyone does. That’s the point.”

 

Jefferson stood in the kitchen, scrubbing the pans as he stared off into the middle distance. He set one down to dry and jumped violently as someone picked it up. Jefferson whirled on his heel and paused as he saw Washington towering over him. He wasn’t sure how the man could have possibly snuck up on him but somehow he had.

“Careful there, son.”

“Yes, sir.” Jefferson muttered. Washington arched an eyebrow at that but Jefferson just shook his head.

“You made progress with Hercules.”

“No I didn’t.”

“He had a meal.”

“No.” Jefferson put down the pot he was halfway through cleaning. “He had half aa meal. I don’t even know if he threw it up afterwards. I tricked him into having half a meal. I can’t treat it as some kind of success when-”

“Hey.” Washington put a hand on Jefferson’s shoulder. Jefferson jumped backwards and the pot bounced to the floor. Both of them stared at it and then at the water spreading across the floor and their clothes.

“Don’t touch me.” Jefferson said softly, as if each syllable was a second away from breaking. “P-please.”

“Thomas-”

“I’m fine.” Jefferson shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to hide the shaking that was too obvious in them.

“Has something happened?”

“No.”

“I’m here to talk.”

“Yeah.”

“If something has happened-”

“Nothing’s happened!” Jefferson snapped. He immediately recoiled and tried to hide it by bending down to pick up the pot. He stood, the pot showing his shaking hands. Washington took a step back and Jefferson screwed his eyes shut. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “You can’t move James from Yorktown. It’s-”

“Is that really-”

“You can’t make him leave!” Jefferson shouted. He put the pot on the side and took several steps stumbling backwards. “He can’t leave. Laf needs better protection against King. Herc needs to see a therapist. You need to force Alexander to see a specialist about his ADD and-”

“ADD?”

“His suicidal tendencies. John needs more help overcoming the conversion therapy. Laf needs support and teaching in- in how to cope against bigoted fuckheads like Seabury and then- then-” Jefferson wrung his hands and shook his head. “James can’t leave.”

“Thomas, what started all this?”

“He needs a stair lift. He- he needs one. And-”

“Thomas.” Washington’s voice was strong and Jefferson’s eyes flickered up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Jefferson shouted. “Nothing is- is wrong! Nothing is right! Everything’s going wrong and I can’t- I can’t stop it!”

“It’s not your job to stop it, it never has been. You’re a child and-”

“No-one else will look after them. I have to!”

“I will. I have.” Washington slowly stepped forwards and Jefferson shook his head.

“Then do it! Help them because I know I fucking can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the final chapter before the last arc. That starts on Christmas Eve with a somewhat explosive event :)


	75. Slowly And Carefully Raise Your Gun Toward The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The explosive beginning to the final arc

Jefferson bolted upright and leapt to his feet. He blinked in confusion as he realised he was in his bedroom. He stared down at his hands in confusion as he saw they were clean. He rubbed at his left hand and stared as blood didn’t pour forth.

“Not real.” Jefferson whispered. Ever since his flashback he’d had nightmares he couldn’t shake. He took in a deep breath and turned on the light. There was no way he’d get back to sleep, not after that nightmare.

He sat at his desk and let his hand wander to his emergency phone. Kitty’s number was still in it. He could call her, could text her. He could talk to her again. Jefferson slowly put it down again and just stared at it.

It wouldn’t be fair on her, he reminded himself. It wouldn’t be fair to try and run back into her life after ignoring her throughout the trial and everything that followed. She’d be better off without him anyway. He was a murderer.

Jefferson took in several deep breaths at that and opened up his laptop. He pulled up pages on eating disorders and started to read. He didn’t know anywhere near enough to be able to help Hercules yet. Research would do something, not enough, but it would be a start.

He growled quietly as he flipped through the pages. There was too much information, there was always too much information.

Jefferson let his head fall to the desk and groaned slightly. This wasn’t going to be as simple as he thought it would be.

Hercules kept on saying it was just a few missed meals, just slightly odd eating. Jefferson knew that wasn’t all it was. It was an eating disorder. It was an eating disorder that Hercules was downright refusing to admit and it would only get worse.

As he looked down the symptoms he could see them match to Hercules, could see the warning signs that he’d missed the first time. At least he’d notice them next time, he thought dryly. The next time one of his friends got sick.

A scream rang out through the house and Jefferson jumped. He hauled himself to his feet and half stumbled from the room before he tried to pin the scream down. He turned to James’ room and walked towards it.

Jefferson knocked gently on the door.

“Who is it?” James asked softly.

“Jefferson.”

“Oh. Come in.”

Jefferson pushed the door open. James was sat upright in bed, staring at Jefferson oddly.

“Are you okay?”

“It was just- just a dumb dream.” James stared at his hands and Jefferson nodded.

“What was it about?”

“The hospital.”

“Which one?”

James scoffed slightly at that.

“None of them.”

“Okay, then what was it?”

“It was you.” James turned to stare at Jefferson. “Dying.”

“Dying?”

“You-” James sighed. “I walked in and you’d killed yourself.”

“Oh.” Jefferson muttered. He shook his head. “I-” He broke off and shrugged. “I’m still here.”

“You nearly let that man kill you. For nothing!”

“For Kitty.”

“You could have called CPS.”

“James-”

“No. You could have called CPS or the police or anyone. You didn’t have to kill yourself. Why the hell did you think that was a sensible idea?”

“Because- it didn’t make sense.”

“You have to promise me something, okay?” James shuffled forwards and met Jefferson’s eyes. “You can’t get yourself into dangerous situations just for other people.”

“I-”

“No. Your life has value, Thomas and it’s not fair to ignore that. How do you think Kitty would feel if you told her what you’d nearly done?”

“She wouldn’t have found out.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I know it doesn’t.”

“Please?”

“James-”

“For me.” James stared at Jefferson who just sighed.

“Not if-”

“Thomas.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

Jefferson had tried to keep his promise. He really had. He’d forced himself to stop worrying constantly, to trust Lafayette and Hercules with each other a bit more. He didn’t tell James about his half breakdown with Washington but he was pretty sure that didn’t matter. He did his best to keep his promises, he always did. However, a week later Jefferson remembered his promise a few moments too late.

He’d been trying real hard as well.

Lafayette and Jefferson had decided to take a detour to school via the mall. Or rather, Jefferson mentioned James’ birthday was coming up and Lafayette dragged him to the mall, school be damned.

They were halfway there when a car slowed down next to them. Jefferson stared at it uneasily as the window rolled down.

“You’re not allowed here.” Jefferson stated. He stepped in front of Lafayette, between him and George Frederick.

“Get out of the way, whore’s son.”

“You got the wrong character there.” Jefferson snapped. George stepped out of the car and Jefferson didn’t take his eyes off him. Lafayette, behind him, was cowering slightly.

“Get out of the way.” George’s voice was calm and that scared Jefferson more than it should have. George lunged forwards and grabbed Lafayette’s arm. Jefferson snarled and pushed the man back several steps.

“Get the hell away from him!” Jefferson growled as he stepped forwards. George turned to him with a grin that made Jefferson falter.

“Or what?”

“Get off him.” Jefferson snarled. Lafayette whimpered something out before he began to babble in French. Jefferson tried to block the pleas out and just kept his gaze on George.

“Or what?”

“You heard what I did to the last man who tried to hurt my family.” Jefferson hissed out. He could see recognition flash across George’s face for a moment.

“You killed him.”

“Don’t think I won’t fucking do it again.”

“To take someone’s life,” George scoffed, “That’s something you can’t shake. Could your mother survive that heartbreak?” Jefferson stared at him coolly.

 “She’s not around to find out. Now then, I’m going to count to ten. I expect you to be gone.” George looked him in the eyes as Jefferson began to count. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.” Jefferson didn’t bother with the rest of the count.

Jefferson lunged forwards. His fist connected with George’s face which made the man stumble backwards. Before Jefferson could do anything else he felt a burning pain in his pelvis that made him scream out in agony.

He could vaguely hear Lafayette shouting but he didn’t know what he was saying. All Thomas could think about was the burning agony that wouldn’t stop.

“Mon ami!” Lafayette fell to his knees and stared at Jefferson. He was half curled up and Lafayette stared in horror as he saw the pool of blood around him growing. “Call an ambulance!” Lafayette shouted. George seemed frozen. Lafayette leapt to his feet and whirled to George. “Help him!”

“No.” George whispered. He pulled the gun up again, pointing the muzzle at Lafayette. Lafayette tensed in fear as George smiled. “He can come with us.”

“Non! He needs a hospital!”

“No.” George continued to smile. “He can be your brother Gilbert. He looks like you. He can be happy in our family.”

“Non! We will get him help! We-”

“Pick him up.” George cocked the gun and pointed it at Lafayette. “Pick him up and take him to the car.”

“This-”

“Or I’ll shoot you too and leave him in the weeds where he belongs.”

Lafayette stared at George for a long moment before he knelt down and wrapped his arms around Jefferson. As soon as he was moved, Jefferson screamed out in pain and Lafayette cursed. He didn’t pause though. He walked to the car and laid Jefferson inside before he closed the door. He then paused as he stared at the blood on his hands. There was so much.

“Get in the car, Gilbert.”

“What if he dies? What shall you do then?”

“Get in the damn car.”

Lafayette glared at him but sat down in the back seat. He arranged himself so that Jefferson’s head leant against his legs. Jefferson was sobbing and he reached a hand up to Lafayette. Lafayette held the hand tightly as the car started.

“It shall be fine, Thomas.” Lafayette whispered. “It shall be fine.”

“It h-hurts.” Jefferson sobbed. He curled into himself again and sucked in a shuddering breath. “It hurts!”

“Hush now, hush.” Lafayette ran a hand through Jefferson’s hair and tried to ignore the sobs that wracked Jefferson’s body.

“Please!”

“Make him shut up.” George growled. Lafayette glared at him.

“He has been shot! Take us to a hospital!”

“Make him shut up or I’ll throw him out of the car. How long do you think it’d take for someone to find him? How long til he bleeds out?”

Lafayette stared at him for a moment before he bent over and began to talk quietly to Jefferson.

“Come on, mon ami, it shall be fine. Come on, simply stop crying. It will be fine.”

“It hurts.” Jefferson mumbled. Lafayette nodded and pulled Jefferson closer. He stared at the blood and bit his lip nervously. Lafayette pulled his shirt off and manoeuvred Jefferson’s body so he could wrap the fabric around the wound. He pressed down on the injury, ignoring the scream of pain that came from Jefferson as he did so.

“I’m here, Thomas. I’m here.” Lafayette knew it wasn’t enough, knew it was no-where near enough. It was all he had.

“I’m scared.” Jefferson whispered and Lafayette felt his heart break.

Jefferson was never scared in front of Lafayette. He wasn’t scared when he talked about the man he killed. He wasn’t scared when his world was falling down around him. He wasn’t scared when Lafayette was terrified. Jefferson was strong, he never broke down in front of Lafayette.

Lafayette didn’t know how to cope.

“It will be okay.”

“I- I don’t believe you.” Jefferson whispered.

Lafayette had no response.

 

“Where are we going?” Lafayette asked quietly. Jefferson had stopped crying at some point. He was shivering instead. Lafayette knew that wasn’t good but he had no idea what to do.

“Home.”

“Please George, please get Thomas help. He-”

“Shut up, Gilbert.”

Lafayette broke off and ran his hand through Jefferson’s hair. Jefferson groaned slightly and curled closer to Lafayette before wincing in pain.

“Tout va bien, Thomas. Nous serons bien.”

“S'il te plaît, ne mens pas.”

“Stop talking French, Thomas.” George spat out from the front of the car. Lafayette flinched at the tone and Jefferson glared at George. His glare wasn’t exactly formidable but he couldn’t seem to muster the energy for anything more. “That’s what Gilbert’s for.”

Lafayette shuddered at that and Jefferson scowled. He put a shaking hand to Lafayette’s and squeezed it gently.

“Your choice.” Jefferson whispered. Lafayette remembered the scene from months before, blood covering his chest rather than Jefferson’s body, a safe bedroom rather than the moving car, the protection of Jefferson’s arms around him.

“Merci.” Lafayette replied quietly. He caught George’s eyes in the mirror and glared. “Thank you, Thomas.”

“Wh-” Jefferson broke off and took several long deep breaths before he continued. “Where i-is home?”

“England of course.” George scoffed. “I’ve spent more than enough time in this primitive country.”

“Fu-fuck you too.” Jefferson whispered, breathlessly. George didn’t catch it but Lafayette smiled gently.

“You cannot take us on a plane without our consent.” Lafayette stated. “The police shall look for us.”

“I know what I’m doing. Now be quiet.”

“No!” Lafayette shouted. Jefferson blinked blurrily up at him as Lafayette half dislodged him. “You cannot tell me to do nothing while my friend is in danger! I am no child of yours! My parents are dead and you have never been a replacement! I tried to kill myself to escape you! I want nothing to do with you.”

“You’re scared, Gilbert.” George didn’t raise his voice, it stayed at the same level rate as if he hadn’t just abducted two teenagers, shooting one of them.

“Of course I am scared, you idiot! My friend is bleeding out and you are doing nothing!”

“I won’t tolerate that kind of talk, Gilbert.” George’s voice took on a slightly harsher tone which only enraged Lafayette. He sat up straighter and his hands curled into fists.

“You are why I tried to kill myself! You are why my boyfriend cannot stand to kiss me! You are why I do not accept myself or allow myself to be free! If it was for your death I would be happier! You should never have come into my life!”

“Come on, that’s going too far.”

“Non! No! No it’s fucking not!”

Jefferson frowned at that. Lafayette didn’t swear. Not in English, anyway.

“Language!”

“Fuck you!”

The car screeched to a halt and Jefferson fell to the floor with a shout of pain. Lafayette cursed and dove forwards but froze as a gun was levelled at his head.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Gilbert but I will. Now shut up. Pick Thomas up off the floor and make sure he shuts up. The next time you speak I _will_ shoot this gun. I don’t give a fuck who it hits.”

“I-” Lafayette broke off as George cocked the gun. Lafayette stared at him for a moment before he nodded. He bent down and let Jefferson crawl back into his lap. By the time Jefferson was secure his face was soaked with silent tears. Lafayette pulled him into a hug and squeezed his eyes shut, wishing for some kind of miracle.

Surely, surely, Lafayette thought, now he’d paid off karma. Surely there wasn’t anything he could have done that would make up for what he’d had to suffer through. His parents had died. His hope of a better family had died with George and Charlotte. The life he’d built in Yorktown had been torn apart as his friends had been.

Lafayette stared down at Jefferson in his lap. Jefferson’s eyes had slid closed and he was murmuring something under his breath that Lafayette couldn’t hear. The once white car seats were coated in blood and it looked like a murder scene.

Lafayette clutched Jefferson closer and prayed to whatever cruel God controlled his universe that he could keep this, that he could at least keep his brother even if he lost everything else. Jefferson moved but Lafayette just gently pressed him back. He bent down and whispered into Jefferson’s ear.

“Save your strength. Please, just save your strength and stay alive.”

Jefferson just had to stay alive. That would be enough.


	76. I'll Be Back Before You Know I'm Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a bit of a filler but also very important for the plot. We will revisit Laf and Jefferson next chapter in a... happy? chapter called' if this is to be the end of me at least I'll have a friend with me' SO HAPPY!

When Hercules got to school Lafayette wasn’t there. He didn’t think too much about it. Lafayette and Jefferson had been muttering the previous day and Hercules was pretty sure they’d decided to do something for James’ birthday.

Hercules didn’t share a lot of lessons with Lafayette so when he didn’t see Lafayette all the way through the morning he didn’t think much of it. When they were sat at lunch he noticed it in the back of his head but didn’t say anything. It always felt like someone was missing, with James having still not yet returned to school.

Angelica was busy talking to her sisters and hadn’t seemed to notice the absence of Lafayette. Hercules knew that Angelica was always checking in on them, he trusted her to notice if something was wrong.

Hercules spent most of lunch just pushing his food around the plate. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t force himself to eat but he couldn’t. Every time he thought about eating a full meal he felt horror and revulsion rise in him in equal parts.

He wasn’t quite sure why.

He didn’t want to think why.

“Eat.” John nudged him and Hercules nodded. He took in a deep breath and forced each bite into his mouth. He began shovelling his food in and as soon as his plate was empty he began to heave in deep breaths.

He stood shakily and strode from the room. Most of the table watched him leave.

“I’ll go after.” Maria said softly.

“Be careful.” Eliza added. Maria nodded and stood. She walked to the male bathroom and slipped inside, glad there wasn’t anyone else there. She dropped her bag on the floor, hoping that no-one else would come in.

It was only then that she went to the stall that was half closed. Hercules was hunched over, vomit in the toilet. His head was hung and he wasn’t making any move to stand.

“Hey Herc.” Maria whispered.

“Hey Mari.”

“How long’ve you been doing this for?”

“Too long.”

“Does it help?”

“Yeah. It- it does.”

“Don’t sound healthy.”

Hercules scoffed at that and sat back. There were strings of saliva filled with vomit dribbling down his chin. He rubbed them away and stared at Maria.

“What about this looks healthy, Mari?”

“Why’re you okay with it all?”

“Because it actually helps. I’m not strong like you, Mari. I- I don’t know how to cope with any of this! This,” Hercules gestured sharply. “Is just something that helps.”

“It hurts you though.”

“Yeah. That’s- that’s kinda the point.”

“You’re doing what he did.” Maria spoke softly but Hercules flinched harshly anyway.

“No I- I-”

“Reynolds wanted to break us, Herc. Wanted to make us merchandise. You’re just doing his job for him.”

“No! I- I’m just trying to-” Hercules shook his head as he began to cry gently. Maria sighed and sat down next to him on the dirty floor. She leant her head on his shoulder and tried to ignore how bony his shoulder was. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to do.”

“Looks to me like you’re trying to be too much. Trying to be healthy, trying to be strong. It’s okay to break down. Ain’t your fault everyone breaks down on you. You’re allowed to talk to us, allowed to need us.”

“I- I know.”

“Don’t do much bout it.”

“I don’t want him to have hurt me.” Hercules admitted softly. Maria nodded.

“He did. They all did. Reynolds, King, even your mama. Your mama didn’t mean it but she did. They changed you and that broke you but it don’t mean you need to break down.”

“I don’t think I can stop it.”

“Not without help.”

“It’s- it’s not even an eating disorder! It’s just that I can’t make myself eat anything. I don’t- I don’t know.”

“C’mon.” Maria stood and offered a hand to Hercules. “Nothing’s gonna be solved on the floor of a bathroom.” Hercules took the hand and stood shakily. When he stood fully he had to pause as the world swirled around him for a moment.

“I don’t think I could eat anything right now.” Hercules admitted softly. Maria nodded.

“That’s okay.”

They began the long walk back to the dining room when a voice rang through the halls.

“Hey, Herc! Herc!” Hercules turned just in time for Alexander to nearly run into him.

“Woah there.” Hercules grinned as he looked down at Alexander. “What happened?”

“Do you know where Jefferson is?”

“Why you looking for Tommy?”

“Ned Stevens told me I have the test tomorrow and I need to talk to Jefferson!”

“The- the test?” Hercules asked in confusion.

“So I can stay in his class. Jefferson’s been- he’s been tutoring me for a while.” Alexander shrugged, looking very uncomfortable. “It’s been a lot more helpful than I thought it would be.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t seen him.”

“Oh.” Alexander frowned. “Of course he’d vanish when we actually want him here.”

“It’s good that you’re actually getting help.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Alexander rolled his eyes.

“Hey, you could ask James when we get back to Yorktown. I’m sure he’d know.”

“Yeah. Yeah I think I’ll do that. Thanks Herc!”

With that Alexander was gone. Maria watched him go with a frown.

“I ain’t seen Tommy today. Have you?”

“Not yet. I normally don’t though.” Hercules shrugged. “He’ll just be bunking off with James or something.”

 

“Jefferson?” James tapped on Jefferson’s door. When there was no answer he pushed it open. He sighed as there was no sign of the boy. He knew that Jefferson had left that morning with Lafayette but he had no idea where he’d gone.

He didn’t normally spend a day without seeing Jefferson. They lived in the same house and it wasn’t as if James got out a lot.

He hadn’t seen Jefferson. James had a bad feeling in the base of his gut but he couldn’t explain it. He knew that it was possible for Jefferson to just up and run at any moment and maybe saying goodbye to James would be an afterthought.

James shook his head at that. Jefferson would say goodbye, he had to. They were brothers.

“James?” Peggy called from down the hallway. James turned.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Uh.” James glanced back into the room. “Yeah. Going to bed.”

“Wrong room.”

“I’d noticed.” James wheeled back and closed the door behind him. Jefferson wouldn’t leave Yorktown overnight without a reason. If he left without telling James then it was probably important. James tried not to wonder what was more important than him.

Jefferson had kept more than enough of James’ secrets. James could keep this one.

He ignored the dread in his stomach. Jefferson would come home. He had to. James didn’t have a home without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also wanted to thank you all for the comments on the last chapter. I uploaded it late on Christmas Eve so I woke up on christmas day with lots of lovely comments :)


	77. If This Is To Be The End Of Me At Least I Had A Friend With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning for victim blaming in this chapter

When the sun set, the car was still moving. Jefferson had stopped bleeding but he was quiet and shivering. Lafayette had to keep on making sure he was still alive. He wasn’t sure if he could cope with Jefferson dying.

“George.” Lafayette said softly. George glanced back.

“What do you want, son?”

“I-” Lafayette wanted to order him to not call him that. That was Washington’s word, not George’s. It belonged to Lafayette’s real father, not George. “Please, where are we going?”

“We’re going somewhere safe for a few days.”

“If I-” Lafayette trailed off and sniffed. “George, I do not wish Jefferson to die. Please.”

“He won’t. He’ll be your brother.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“To be a family. Charlotte didn’t understand. I didn’t understand until you were gone. You’re what I need, Gilbert. I need you next to me, forever.”

Lafayette felt his chin begin to wobble at that thought, at the thought of never escaping George. He knew he couldn’t let it show.

“What did Charlotte not understand?” Lafayette asked softly.

“She left. When I told her the truth. When I told her I had to have you back again. I had to.” George tightened his hands on the steering wheel. “I have you now, Gilbert. I’m never letting you go.”

Lafayette sank back into his seat and began to run a hand through Jefferson’s hair. Jefferson whimpered slightly and Lafayette sighed.

 

They eventually arrived at a house when the sun had long since set. George got out the car first. Lafayette considered running for a moment but then Jefferson shifted in his lap. He couldn’t leave Jefferson to this madman.

“Come on, Gilbert.” George offered Lafayette a hand which he refused, opting to coax Jefferson out instead. Jefferson crawled forwards until Lafayette could pull him up out of the car. Jefferson let out a cry as Lafayette picked him up.

“I am so sorry, my friend. This is all my fault.” Lafayette whispered. George opened the door and gestured him inside. Lafayette held Jefferson close and at every wince or whine he wanted to cry. When they were in the house George gestured up the stairs. Lafayette walked up them, taking each step slowly. He hadn’t realised how heavy Jefferson was until he had to nearly carry the teen up a flight of stairs.

“This is your room.” George opened the door and Lafayette stared in. It was big, much bigger than his house at Yorktown. Everything reeked of money, of the power George had. In the middle of the room stood a double bed. Lafayette walked to it and gently set Jefferson down.

“What am I to do here?” Lafayette asked. George smiled at him and walked forwards.

“Give me your phone.”

“Que?”

“Now. And his.”

“George-” Lafayette broke off as George pointed his gun at Jefferson.

“Give me your phones.”

Lafayette dove for his bag and pulled it out, handing it to George immediately. He then walked to Jefferson. He hesitated before he patted Jefferson’s jeans down. He was about to turn away to Jefferson’s bag when Jefferson gripped his hand with a steely grip. Lafayette frowned at that.

“Jacket, left hand po-cket.” Each word was laboured and Lafayette frowned. He reached for the pocket and pulled out Jefferson’s phone. He then handed them both to George who looked at them for a long moment. He then let them fall to the floor and crushed them underneath his foot. Lafayette winced but Jefferson’s expression didn’t even change.

“I’ll bring your food soon.” With that George left the room. Lafayette heard a lock click and huffed in anger.

“Te putain de bâtard nous a enfermés ici!”

“I’m cold.” Jefferson whispered. Lafayette looked at him and nodded.

“Come, mon ami.” Lafayette helped Jefferson shift around until finally Lafayette could pull the covers up to his neck. Jefferson still looked out of it and Lafayette was shocked at how strong his grip had been a few moments before. “I must check the injury.”

“Don’t.”

“Jefferson-”

Rather than respond, Jefferson just let out a low keen. Lafayette sighed and started to brush Jefferson’s hair away from his face.

“Don’t wanna die.”

Lafayette almost didn’t catch Jefferson’s words. Almost. He felt anger surge in him as he realised this was George’s fault, that George had taken what didn’t belong to him and he had broken Jefferson in the process.

“You shall not. I merely wish to check the injury.”

Jefferson nodded and Lafayette smiled.

“Merci.”

Lafayette pulled part of the duvet back and took a deep breath as he saw the mess of blood. He steeled himself before he slowly undid the jacket wrapped around Jefferson. The skin itself was too covered in blood to make anything out. Lafayette wanted to clean it off but he knew there was no way he could convince Jefferson to move.

“I think that-” Lafayette sighed and broke off. “I do not know. You have not died and I see no reason for that to change now. But I- I do not know. I am, how you say, blind sailing. This is uncharted territory which I do not understand.”

“Okay.” Jefferson breathed out. “Imma gon sleep.” Jefferson’s eyes were closing, beyond his control.

“Oui. Sleep well, mon frère.” After a moment Lafayette grasped Jefferson’s hand, almost more to centre himself than anything else. “S'il te plaît, ne meurs pas. Je ne peux pas m'en sortir sans toi.”

Lafayette stared at Jefferson as the teen slipped off into a restless slumber. He had no real way of telling how much time passed but at some point the door opened. Lafayette was on his feet in an instant, glaring at George.

“What is it that you wish?” Lafayette spat out. George smiled and shook his head.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Gilbert. You’re my son.”

“You hurt Hercules!”

“He’s nothing to me. Not like you. He’s- he’s nothing more than your whore boyfriend.”

“Do not speak of him like that!” Lafayette shouted. He was amazed he had this much strength but somehow he did. “Do not talk of Hercules as anything less than a hero! He fought against you and-”

“He didn’t fight, Gilbert. Don’t be stupid. He wanted it. He could have stopped it at any time but he didn’t.”

“He was being blackmailed.”

“Was the threat of blackmail really any more hurtful than what he did? He made a choice, Gilbert. What he chose is not my fault.”

“Hercules is stronger than you can imagine!”

“Hercules is a whore who could never deserve you!” George shouted. Jefferson jerked awake and stared at the man as he took a deep breath. “Don’t try to aggravate me, Gilbert. I came in here to tell you that supper is ready.”

“I want nothing from you.” Lafayette spat out, ignoring the hunger in his stomach.

“Fine. I’ll leave you two alone then.” With that, George turned to leave.

“What am I?”

“What?” George turned around in confusion. Jefferson took in several deep breaths as he tried to ground himself.

“Wh-what am I to you?”

“You’re nothing. You’re a criminal. The same as the whore.”

Jefferson smiled faintly, self-deprecatingly, at that and nodded. George stared at him for several moments before he took a step further into the room. Lafayette tensed up but Jefferson couldn’t seem to do anything to prepare himself.

George strode forwards and paused just in front of Jefferson. He reached a hand down to Jefferson’s lips and gently traced them with his thumb. He seemed entranced for a moment. Lafayette felt revulsion rise in his stomach at the movement as he remembered what George had just told him; in his mind, Hercules and Jefferson were the same person.

Jefferson stared up at George, making no move to break the contact. George pulled back for a moment before he pulled something from his jacket. He threw it onto the bed and Jefferson stared down at the syringe.

“What is that?” Lafayette spat out. George smiled faintly at Jefferson.

“If he wants to sleep for a while. It’ll take away his pain with almost no side effects.”

“Almost?” Before George could respond, Jefferson reached for the syringe. Lafayette shot out his hand to stop him but George spoke.

“Don’t touch him, Gilbert.”

Jefferson pulled the syringe closer to him and stared at it. It looked like his brain was slowly making its way to a conclusion.

“Do you want help?” George asked. Jefferson nodded and George smiled.

“Non! This is-” Lafayette broke off as George slapped him across the face. Jefferson’s eyes widened and he went to say something but then the needle was in his throat and his eyes slid closed.

“Don’t try to undermine me.” George growled out, turning back to face Lafayette. Lafayette stared up at him in anger through tear glazed eyes.

“Do not try to harm my friend!”

“He’s sleeping. I’ll deliver him some food later.”

“You have shot and drugged him! I deserve to be worried!”

“You deserve nothing. You’re acting like a petulant child. Do you want a punishment?”

“No.” Lafayette said quietly. George paused at that.

“That’s not what you’re here for. Let me repeat myself, do you want a punishment?”

“Non.” Lafayette said, even quieter.

 

When Jefferson woke up he thought, for a few beautiful moments, that it had been a dream, a nightmare. Then he felt a warm hand next to his face. He blinked several times and Lafayette’s face swam into existence.

Lafayette was knelt on the floor, leaning on the bed. One of his hands was next to Jefferson’s face, having stopped combing his hair only in his own sleep. Jefferson watched him for a moment before he tried to push himself up. He instantly fell back down with a whimper that woke Lafayette.

“Mon ami?”

“I’m okay.” Jefferson croaked out. Lafayette shook his head but didn’t press the topic. “Do you know where we are?”

“Non. I could see very little that night. I believe we are still in America but I fear that shall not last.”

“It’ll be alright, Laf.” Jefferson took in a deep breath and shifted until he was sitting up in the bed. He squeezed his eyes shut as the pain threatened to overwhelm him. “Fuck.” He breathed out through gritted teeth. “They don’t talk about how much these things hurt.”

“I am so sorry, mon ami.”

“You didn’t shoot me, Laf. You didn’t do anything.”

“I could have-”

“What? What could you have done?” Jefferson shrugged and winced. “He had a gun, Laf. He’s obviously willing to use it. Better only one of us is shot.”

“Better neither are.”

“That as well.” Jefferson looked around the room and spotted the two doors leading out of the room, both closed.. “Wait, what did you mean, that night?”

“Thomas,” Lafayette sighed and slumped down slightly. “You have been unconscious for several days.”

“What?” Jefferson croaked out.

“You woke a few times but never fully.”

Jefferson frowned as vague memories floated in.

“Th-that’s not possible.” Jefferson pulled the duvet off him and stared down at his injury. It was wrapped in bandages that he had no memory of applying. “Fuck.” Jefferson whispered.

“I am so sorry. He- he told me it was the only way for you to get medical attention, only if he gave it to you.”

“I-” Jefferson shook his head and took in a deep breath. He could think about all this later. He pointed to one of the two doors. “What’s through there?”

“The bathroom.”

“That’s where I’m going, then.” Jefferson made no move to stand for several long moments. When he eventually pushed himself off the bed he let out a half shout of pain. Lafayette was there in a moment. He supported Jefferson into the room and Jefferson smiled. “I get why it pisses James off now.”

“Oui.” Lafayette muttered as he stepped out of the room, giving Jefferson some semblance of privacy. When Jefferson had flushed he walked to the mirror in the room and stared at his reflection.

He looked half dead. He was pale and shaking slightly. Jefferson slowly lifted his shirt and stared at the bandages. He pulled them apart and frowned at the gauze beneath it. There was no way Lafayette could have done this. George must have done it. Jefferson shuddered at the thought of that man touching him while he slept. He frowned for a moment before raising a shuddering hand to his back, searching for the other half of the wound.

“Laf,” Jefferson called out, “can you come in here, please.”

“Oui?” Lafayette stepped in and Jefferson turned to him, biting his lip.

“My back is there- is there an exit wound?”

“Que?”

“An exit wound.” Jefferson turned his back to Lafayette who frowned. “Where the bullet left.” Lafayette studied his back for a moment before he shook his head.

“Non.” Lafayette looked to Jefferson in confusion. “There is nothing.”

“Oh.” Jefferson nodded. “Okay. So I- I might have a bullet inside me. That’s new. I…” Jefferson trailed off into nothing and Lafayette sighed.

“I am-”

“No. We’ve just-” Before Jefferson could finish his sentence the door opened. They both turned to face George. He looked well rested and happy.

“Good morning, boys. Are you hungry yet?”

“Where are we?” Lafayette spat out. George scowled at that.

“We’re nearly home.”

“This is not-”

“Yes we are.” Jefferson cut over. “Hungry, I mean.” George stared at Jefferson before he eventually nodded.

“Well, come on down.”

The teens glanced at each other before they followed George down the hallway and then the stairs. Lafayette paused as he saw how much food George had laid out for them.

Jefferson took a seat, trying to avoid crying out in pain at every movement. He was already exhausted but he knew he needed to eat. Lafayette took a seat next to him while George sat on the other side of the table.

Lafayette continued to stare at George throughout the meal. Jefferson didn’t, too busy eating. He was starving and the food was good. He didn’t let himself remember that George probably hadn’t left the house.

George had stacked this house beforehand. He’d had it ready to use. There was no way this had been bad luck. This had been planned, the room had been made ready, the food had been stockpiled. The only problem with that theory was that Jefferson knew that he hadn’t been planned He didn’t work in George’s scheme, he was an extra liability.

A liability that could be solved by a bullet through the head.

Somehow, he had to make sure George didn’t work that out too soon. Jefferson had to act along with everything George wanted.

“When will you release us?” Lafayette asked sharply. Jefferson glanced at him in surprise. He’d expected Lafayette to fall apart in a situation like this. Whatever this situation is, Jefferson reminded himself. Rather than breaking under George, Lafayette wasn’t even bending, wasn’t giving an inch to the man he’d been forced to call father.

“Gilbert, don’t talk about such things. We’re happy here, aren’t we?”

“Non! I am not happy!”

“Because you haven’t given it a chance.” George sighed. “We’ll be a family soon. Stop being childish.”

“I am not being childish!” Lafayette stood and Jefferson groaned internally. This was about to go terribly wrong. “You have kidnapped me and are holding me against my will! I-”

“Sit down.” George growled out the two words and Lafayette faltered. “I will not be spoken to like that.”

“Fuck you!” Lafayette spat out. Jefferson smirked but stopped as a gunshot rang out. He flinched back and stared in horror at the gun in George’s hand. Lafayette stared at George, open mouthed.

“You will not use language like that.” George put the gun on the table next to him and continued to stare at the two. “Is this how you repay me Gilbert? I set you free. I know they were hurting you. I’ve seen your scars.”

“My-”

“Your chest.” George frowned. “If I got my hands on whoever did that…”

“I-”

“What do we do now?” Jefferson spoke over Lafayette which earned him a glare. George looked to him and smiled.

“We wait. We make polite conversation.”

“Well then, I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced.” Jefferson kept a smile on his face while trying not to scream and run from the hunger in George’s eyes. “My name is Thomas Jefferson.”

“George Frederick. You were named after the founding father?”

“In a way.” Jefferson took in a steadying breath. “I didn’t have a surname.” Jefferson saw Lafayette half turn to him at that and he vaguely realised he’d never told Lafayette this.

“You didn’t have one?”

“I was abandoned at birth.”

“So not even your mother wanted you.”

Jefferson winced slightly at that and the smile slipped off his face. Lafayette turned to George, furious.

“Do not talk to him like that!”

“It’s fine, Laf.” Jefferson said softly. Lafayette turned to him, confused. “He’s not wrong.”

“So how did you find that name?”

“I named myself. My mother gave me Thomas and abandoned me. I chose Jefferson.”

“A very austere name for an orphan.”

Jefferson could feel Lafayette bristle next to him.

“There’s so much power in a name.”

“Go on.” George leant forwards and Jefferson took in a deep breath.

“People will talk all they like about how a person defines themselves but a name means a lot. You go by your forename, I go by my surname.”

“A surname you stole.”

“Every name is stolen. Why should I matter that I did it instead of my parents? It’s pro-active if anything.”

“Stop this.” Lafayette snapped out. He turned to Jefferson. “How are you sitting there and accepting this? He shot you! Yet you are now having a conversation as if it was nothing!” He then turned to George. “You shot him! You have told me you wish me to be happy but I am not! He is my friend! You-”

“He is nothing!” George shouted. He leapt to his feet and stared at Lafayette. “Go to your room. Thomas, stay.”

“I am not some child!” Lafayette shouted. “I am-”

“Leave it, Laf.” Jefferson said quietly. Lafayette turned to him in confusion. “Go.”

“Mon ami-”

“Go. If you’re still hungry there are some granola bars in my bag.” Jefferson stared at Lafayette, begging him to understand. “They’re pretty great.”

“Jefferson, I do not-”

“Go.” George stood and walked over to Jefferson. He put a firm hand on the teen’s shoulder and Jefferson fought to keep his breathing even. Lafayette stared at them before he slowly stood. The three made their way back up the stairs. Jefferson kept his eyes on the floor as he was steered to a different room. Into George’s bedroom.

He didn’t fight back.

He couldn’t afford to fight back.

Lafayette stared in confusion as his door was locked, Jefferson still on the other side. Realisation hit him a moment too late and he ran at the door.

“Non! Thomas! Thomas!” Lafayette shouted. He banged on the door but got no response. He continued shouting for a few minutes but when no answer came, he collapsed to his knees. The stress of the last few days overwhelmed him and he began to sob, huge wracking sobs that he couldn’t stop.

Hercules had been ripped from him by George. Hercules didn’t talk about what George had done but Lafayette knew that it had hurt like hell and had broken something in Hercules. Something that he was still struggling to get back.

Lafayette didn’t want to have to fight to get Jefferson back.

Jefferson’s words ran through his head and Lafayette frowned. Jefferson had worked out what was going to happen. For some reason he hadn’t tried to stop it, had just tried to get Lafayette away. Then he’d gone willingly.

Lafayette walked over to Jefferson’s bag and began to rifle through it. He couldn’t find any granola bars. He continued searching until he got to a side pocket. He pulled it open and a granola bar fell out. Next to it fell out a phone.

Lafayette stared at it in amazement for several long seconds before he dove for it. He ripped it out of the plastic bag it was in and turned it on. He stared at the screen in bated breath and when it flickered on, he wanted to cry.

He’d found their way out.

Jefferson had given him their way out.

Lafayette didn’t want to consider what Jefferson had sacrificed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone :3


	78. Stay Alive For Me

James knew something was wrong. He didn’t know what it was. Jefferson was still gone. For a few hours it could be brushed off as nothing, maybe even overnight. James wouldn’t put it past Jefferson to just vanish for several days but he’d warn James.

James hoped he would anyway.

**To: Thomas**

**You haven’t responded to my texts. Are you okay?**

**To: Thomas**

**I’m worried**

**To: Thomas**

**Please respond. I’m not gonna be mad. I’m just scared**

**To: Thomas**

**You promised you wouldn’t leave me. You don’t break promises**

**To: Thomas**

**I’m going to Washington**

When no answer came, James began the long walk to Washington’s office. He limped inside, still leaning heavily on Jefferson’s cane. James couldn’t bring himself to think of it as his cane, he was just using it.

“James, can I help you?”

“Jefferson isn’t here.”

“What?”

“I- I should have told someone last night but he isn’t here.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know. Not in Yorktown.”

Washington frowned and stood.

“Is everyone in the dining room?”

“Yeah.”

Washington nodded and strode to the room. James struggled to keep up. Washington stood at the head of the table and stared at the children as if they were his soldiers, as if he were a commander braving them for battle.

“Has anyone seen Thomas?” Washington asked. The teenagers glanced around as they shook their heads. Hercules bit his lip.

“I don’t know where Laf is.”

“What?” Washington’s voice was cold, as if he was trying his hardest to not shout. Hercules shifted uncomfortably before he responded.

“I thought he was with Jefferson.”

“When was the last time someone saw either of them?”

“Before school.” Alexander piped up. “Yesterday. Laf said they were going to buy something.”

“Did anyone see them during school?” There was no response and Washington tightened his grip on the chair in front of him. “Did anybody see them afterwards?”

“What could’ve happened?” Maria asked softly. Eliza slipped her hand into hers but it didn’t seem to make Maria any more comfortable. “They’d be alright, right?”

“I’m going to call the police. We’ll find them.” With that, Washington left the room. James collapsed into one of the seats and stared into nothing.

“Fuck.” James whispered out. “He’s gone.”

“Where would they go though?” John asked. “Laf doesn’t have any family here. Does Jefferson?”

“No. Not since his grandmother died. I don’t think he’d go to-” James broke off with a frown. “Wait.” He stood and rushed up the stairs, as much as he could rush. He then pulled Jefferson’s bag out from underneath his bed. He upended it and watched as everything fell out.

“What are you looking for?” James jumped at Angelica’s voice but then turned to her.

“He has a phone.” James continued to rifle through the different pockets. “He- he always has this phone.” James threw the empty bag aside with a growl. “Fuck.”

“Hey, calm down.” Angelica knelt down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be fine. He’s tough.”

“I know but- he would have brought this bag. If he was running then he’d have this bag. I saw him sorting through it the other day! He’d always bring this bag!”

“What does it mean that he didn’t?”

“It means he didn’t run. It means that he-” James sighed, defeated. “It means he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t get a choice.”

 

The police arrived within the hour. They sat down with each occupant of Yorktown and asked them questions. James didn’t know how to answer most of them, didn’t know how to explain if Jefferson was a flight risk. He wanted to say that Jefferson wouldn’t run away but he knew he might.

When the police left, with promises that felt far too empty, James just had to wait and wonder how much he really knew Jefferson.

Jefferson would allow terrible things to happen to him as long as it helped someone else but he had a good self-preservation instinct the rest of the time. If he could avoid being hurt then he did. Unless, James’ brain reminded him, Jefferson had been lying about his recovery.

“You can’t think too hard about it, son.” Washington said softly. James glanced up at him and nodded. “Thomas and Lafayette will come back safe.”

“What if Thomas doesn’t want to come back?”

“Do you think he’d abandon what he’s built here?”

“I don’t know. I- I’m learning a lot about him recently.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you thought he was missing?”

“Because he doesn’t trust you. I do, but he still doesn’t.”

“I think the people he trusts are few and far between. You’re very lucky to be one of them.”

“I know.”

“Thomas is strong, James.”

“What about Laf?”

“We’ve known Lafayette for many years. He isn’t the type to take risks with his own life.”

“Thomas is.”

“Yes.” Washington sighed and shook his head. James looked at him in surprise. Washington normally tried hard to keep his emotions hidden, a side effect of half a lifetime in military service. “But Thomas is smart and he’s survived a lot.”

“Yeah but-” James paused as Washington’s phone rang. The man pulled it out and answered it. His face grew stony almost instantly.

“Should I take them out of school?” Washington asked the voice on the other end. He stood and strode to the front door, hanging up. “James, stay here. Do not answer the door or the phone. Stay inside.”

“What’s going on?”

“They’ve found something.”

“What is it?” James asked softly. Washington paused before he nodded.

“You deserve to know. They found signs of a fight.”

“Where?”

“Along Clermont Street.”

“What signs?”

“Blood. Traces of gunpowder.”

“Someone was shot?”

“It looks like it. I’m going to collect everyone and bring them back.”

“You think we’re in danger.”

“I don’t know.” Washington admitted quietly. James stared at him in horror. Washington was never uncertain. “But I’m not taking any risks with you.”

With that, Washington was gone, leaving James a hell of a lot more scared than he had been.

 

When everyone arrived at Yorktown they sat in silence in the living room. No-one knew quite what to say. Every call they’d tried to make to the two phones had gone unanswered. They couldn’t do anything.

“Who’d take them?” Peggy asked softly. No-one needed her to specify. There was silence in the room for several long moments as they tried to think.

“Maybe it was just a co-incidence?” Hercules asked weakly. No-one latched onto that idea, knowing it wasn’t true. Silence reigned again before Alexander furrowed his brow.

“Fuck.” He whispered. “It’s Frederick. George Frederick.” Hercules winced at the name and Maria stared at him in horror.

“Why’d you think that?” Maria asked, fighting to keep her voice level.

“He’s been sending Laf texts. They’re full of threats. Talking about how he’s going to take Laf back, about how they’re going to be a family.”

“Frederick doesn’t want a family.” Hercules half choked out. “No-not-” He took a deep breath and steeled himself. “He wouldn’t be interested in Jefferson anyway.”

“What if-” Alexander broke off and glanced at James.

“What?”

“I- I don’t-”

“Spit it out.”

“Someone was shot. George wouldn’t have any reason to keep Jefferson.”

The room was silent before James stood robotically and hobbled out. He walked down the hallway and entered Washington’s office. Washington was on the phone but when he saw James he almost immediately hung up.

“Are you okay?”

“It was George Frederick.” James muttered out. “And they- they might-” James started to sob and Washington strode over to pull him into a hug. “There’s no reason why he’d keep Thomas alive.”

“We can’t jump to conclusions, son.” Washington’s voice was soft and that made James’ sobs increase in volume. “They might still be fine.”

“They might be dead!”

“Son,” Washington sighed and bowed his head.

“I don’t- I don’t know what I’d do without him.” James admitted softly. “He’s my brother!” Washington’s breathing hitched in surprise at that but James didn’t care. He continued to sob and Washington held him close and wished, for the countless time, that he could help James, that he could save him from the pain of the world.

“Come on, we should talk to the others.”

“I-” James wiped at his eyes and nodded. He followed Washington back into the living room and sat down. Washington looked around the room and sighed.

“We have no reason to suspect either Lafayette or Thomas are in a critical condition. The blood that was found wasn’t a life threatening level.”

“Do we know whose it was, at least?” Alexander asked. His knee was jiggling as he spoke and his hands were twisting his headphones into knots and loops.

“It was Thomas’.” Washington said softly. James whimpered and Angelica strode across the room to hug him close. Washington paused and took a deep breath. “I need everyone to remain calm. The police are working as hard as they can and our boys will be recovered.”

“Was it King?” Maria asked softly. Washington turned to her and she shied back slightly. “George Frederick, I mean.” Washington seemed to contemplate something for a moment before he nodded.

“What I am about to tell you is private to Lafayette. I hope he won’t mind me explaining because I know that you need something. Lafayette’s birth parents died when he was still very young. He came to America and was adopted by George and Charlotte Frederick. Lafayette arrived in this country speaking perfect English but was conditioned out of that by the Fredericks. While Charlotte Frederick was beaten by her husband, Lafayette wasn’t. When Lafayette began exploring his gender identity George Frederick found out. He hit Lafayette who attempted suicide not long after.”

The expressions around the room was caught somewhere between outrage and sadness. They had all known some of it, had pieced together something, but they’d never been given this much of the story.

It was obvious, they thought, in the way Lafayette would flinch away. It was obvious in the way he was still so afraid of explaining his pro-nouns or how some days he reverted back to French almost entirely.

“When Lafayette woke up I was there. He came into my care and has lived at Yorktown ever since. Nearly a year ago, George Frederick tried to adopt Lafayette. He was rejected but re-applied several times. When he was turned down again he tried to get in contact with Lafayette. This turned into stalking and aggressive text messages. Lafayette got a restraining order against him four months ago.”

“Why didn’t we know this?” Peggy asked in astonishment.

“Lafayette didn’t want anyone to know. I knew and his teachers knew.”

“That’s how Reynolds figured it out.” Hercules muttered. He looked up to see the room staring at him. “He-he threatened Mari with her girlfriend’s father. He did it to me but I never figured out how he knew.”

“How the fuck did he make bail?” John asked, voice harsh. “He raped people! He stalked Laf! How the fuck did that happen?”

“Money.” Alexander butted in. “It’s always the fucking money. Rich assholes can do anything. Your dad did it, so did Philip Schuyler. Money is the fucking-”

“As I understand it,” Washington spoke over Alexander as he realised the boy wasn’t going to stop. “It’s a difficult situation as he has family within the British Royal Family.”

“What? You mean he’s actually King? It ain’t just a title?”

“He isn’t a king, Maria. I don’t know the connection but he would not inherit the throne. That’s beside the point. George Frederick is not stable. Before trying to contact Lafayette he had been sectioned.”

“Sectioned?”

“I can’t tell you the specifics but he is dangerous. That is why none of you will be leaving the house until he is arrested again. There are police watching Yorktown and no-one here will be touched.”

“What about Laf and Thomas?” John asked softly. Washington sighed.

“The police will do their job. I doubt it’ll be any consolation but there were two sets of blood found at the scene. Thomas’ and George’s.”

“Of course he’d fight back.” James said softly with a faint smile.

“Precisely.” Washington smiled back. “I know this will be difficult for all of us but we have to trust in them. We have to trust them to come home safely.”

No-one mentioned Washington’s use of home. No-one argued against it. They were all home, they just had to bring their brothers back.


	79. I Never Liked The Quiet Before

Hercules sat in his desk chair, staring into nothing. There was nothing he could do. His boyfriend had been kidnapped, could have been shot. He was missing and Hercules couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

He felt tears gathering in his eyes and he put his head in his hands. Any control he’d built up was gone. It made him want to empty his stomach again and again until his throat burned and he couldn’t stop crying.

He didn’t think he could stop crying anyway.

There was a knock on the door which he ignored. The door opened and Hercules twisted away, trying to hide the tears running down his face.

“It’s uh- it’s dinner.” Peggy muttered. Hercules nodded and sniffed.

“I-I’ll be down in a m-minute.”

“Herc-”

“Go.” Hercules’ voice broke and he shook his head. Peggy paused but after a few moments the door closed behind her. He hadn’t protected Lafayette. Worse, he hadn’t protected Lafayette from George. The very thought of what the man might do made Hercules’ breathing ramp up. He wanted to curl in on himself until he was nothing.

He still had scars all the way along his arm from where George had pushed it into the glass. The man’s eyes haunted him on the bad nights. There was an insanity deep within them that he couldn’t quite accept belonged to another human.

Hercules was terrified of spending another second in the man’s company. He couldn’t imagine what he might do to Lafayette. Hercules shuddered as he suddenly remembered Jefferson.

George had reasons to hate Jefferson. Real, solid reasons. In his mind, Jefferson could easily be connected to Reynolds’ imprisonment. Beyond that, Jefferson was nothing. At best, he was a bargaining chip. At worst?

Hercules didn’t want to think about it.

Luckily he didn’t have to, as a knock on his door came.

“Go away, Peggy.” Hercules said softly.

“It’s not Peggy.” Hercules turned in confusion to see Burr stepping into the room.

“Burr. I- I told Pegs, I’ll be down in a moment.”

Burr nodded and stepped into the room.

“Are you going to eat tonight?”

“No.” Hercules said truthfully. “I- I don’t think I could face anything.”

“Do you think you have an eating disorder?”

“No.” Hercules sighed. “I- I never wanted to lose weight. It’s not an eating disorder.” Burr nodded at that and slowly sat on the bed. He leant forwards, clasping his hands against his knees. He fixed his eyes on the floor as he began to speak.

“I’ve lived in a lot of houses. A lot of them weren’t very nice.”

“Okay.”

“In one of the houses, the Pendleton’s, they wouldn’t feed me much. The food I did, get I forced myself to not eat all at once, to ration out. The other children in the house would eat theirs all at once, throw up and then starve until the next scrap.”

“I’m so sorry.” Hercules whispered out. Burr shook his head, still not meeting Hercules’ eyes.

“I realised something after a while. The adults didn’t hit the children who were hungry. They weren’t as loud, they were exhausted. So, I- I decided that I’d do the same. I changed the rationing. I made sure that I ate less, that I never let myself eat until I was full. It started as a coping mechanism but then it- it changed. I started liking the feeling, the pain of it. I knew that I couldn’t stop them from hitting me or anything else. I could control that one pain.”

“What’s your point?” Hercules asked warily.

“When I got out I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. It was years ago and I’ve shaken off most of it. Not all of it but most of it.”

“Shaken off?”

“I’m not sure it’ll ever go away. On my bad days- when I can’t talk, I can’t eat.” Burr admitted in a soft voice. “Eating disorders aren’t about losing weight Herc, not always. They’re about self-harm. They’re about control. They’re about self-control.”

“I- that’s not right.”

“It is. An eating disorder is about having something to cling onto in the worst of times. It rips you apart but at least you’re doing it. You- you’re not having it done to you. You’re not being hurt, you’re hurting. Everything- you control it. Eating disorders put you in control and then they pull you out of it. Recovery is hell.”

“How- how d’you mean?”

“It’s an addiction. Like alcohol or drugs or cutting. The difference is that you can’t stop eating. Every meal is weighing it up in your head, trying to work out if it’s worth it for your recovery. I- I have horror stories of some of it.” Burr huffed at that and shook his head. “You have to admit this is a problem.”

“I- it’s not.”

“Can you make yourself eat a full meal?”

“No.” Hercules whispered. Burr nodded.

“Then you have a problem.”

“I- I don’t know why you came to me now. My boyfriend has been kidnapped by a madman and-”

“ _Because_ he’s gone. Because Jefferson’s gone as well. There’s no-one else to force you to eat. You have to eat.”

“I- I can eat.”

“A full meal?” Hercules’ silence was enough. “You need help.” With that Burr stood to leave the room. When he reached the door he paused as Hercules spoke.

“I- I didn’t know that stuff about the- the control.” Hercules admitted softly. “I didn’t mean- I just wanted something. I- I wanted to know I could choose. That I wasn’t his whore.” Hercules tightened his hand into a fist and took in a deep breath. Burr slowly sat back down. “That I could- it let me pretend I could say no. I know I couldn’t but it- I thought that maybe- I don’t know.”

“You wanted control over your body. It’s normal. What Reynolds did to you wasn’t normal or right but you can’t get control like this.”

“How can I?”

“I don’t know.” Burr sighed. “I’ve never been raped, Hercules. I’ve never been hurt like you were. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t think anyone here does. You need to heal.”

“I- I don’t want to go to a therapist.”

“That’s your decision.”

“Do you think it’s a good one?”

“No.”

“When- how come this is one of the first conversations we’ve had? How come you- you’re always there. Always. But you never do anything.”

“I think I do plenty.”

“What?”

“Well,” Burr shrugged, “I keep Jefferson and Alexander from killing each other. That’s not easy.”

“Is there a reason? Why you’re so- so quiet.”

“If I’m not here I can’t be hurt.” Burr said softly. “If I don’t make noise or leave mess then the foster parents wouldn’t hurt me.”

“You’re safe now.”

“My brain doesn’t understand that. It’s still terrified. Maybe it always will be. I’m getting better, though. Slowly but better.”

“I hope you do.” Hercules muttered. He didn’t know what to say. Burr seemed to notice that and he smiled, a genuine smile for once.

“Come down, try to eat something.”

“I-” Hercules paused before he nodded. “Okay.”

 

Alexander stared at the ceiling and sighed. He couldn’t sleep. Every time he nearly slipped off, thoughts flooded his brain. He just imagined Jefferson, shot and bleeding out somewhere. Lafayette joining him, cold and alone.

He didn’t really know George, not in the way Lafayette or Hercules did. He only knew what he’d been told. George still terrified him. He knew that Jefferson was stupid enough to get himself seriously hurt or even killed.

He wondered if Jefferson would do that on purpose.

Jefferson was obviously not in the best mental state. If Alexander had to hazard a guess he’d probably say depression with a slice of self-harm and maybe even suicidal ideation. Overall it made a cocktail that could be deadly if Jefferson was given the right situation.

He’d just been thrown into the right situation.

Alexander groaned and stood. Dwelling on this wouldn’t help.

He slunk down the corridor and paused outside Jefferson’s room. Maybe there was something in there, something he could find out, some way he could help Jefferson.

“There’s nothing in there.”

The quiet voice made Alexander jump. He whirled around to see James behind him. James was sat in his wheelchair, prosthetic missing.

“What?”

“I’ve looked. There’s nothing in there that- he didn’t leave a note or anything.”

“He was kidnapped. Course he didn’t.”

“I know.” James’ voice was soft as he stared at the door. “He just- it always feels like he knows more than he lets on. I keep on hoping he knew about this, that he was planning this.”

“He might be.”

“No.” James shook his head. “He- I don’t think he knew. I think he was taken.” James seemed to shrink in on himself.

“Why’re you still awake?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Me neither.”

James nodded and sighed.

“We-we’ll know more soon.” James said softly.

“We’re going to get them back.”

“We can’t exactly do anything.”

“I’m not going to let Laf get hurt.” Alexander crossed his arms. “The moment I know something then I’m out of here. I’m going to save him.”

“Don’t. Don’t do anything stupid, please.” James pleaded. Alexander looked at him in confusion. “I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

“I’m tough.”

“Tougher than Thomas?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure about that?”

“I-” Alexander paused and shrugged. James nodded.

“Don’t do anything dumb. They’re going to come home. They have to come home.”

Alexander had the tact to not question the quiver in James’ voice.

“I’m going back to bed.” James said softly. “Gotta try to sleep.”

“I- I think I’m going to-” Alexander turned back to the corridor and frowned.

“Try John. He was walking around about an hour ago.”

“Thanks.”

With that, James returned to his room. Alexander walked down the corridor and knocked quietly on John’s door.

“Come in.”

Alexander stepped in and smiled at the sight of John. He was curled up in bed, a book in his hands.

“Alexander.” John set the book down and Alexander sat down next to him.

“Can’t sleep.”

“Laf and Jefferson?”

“Course.”

“Me too.”

“What do you think James would do if they died?” Alexander asked, not expecting an answer.

“I have no idea.” John sighed. “I’m almost more scared for Herc.”

“Should we go talk to them?” Alexander asked. John paused.

“Can we just- can we just stay here?”

“Alone in our room? On your bed? People might talk.” Alexander smiles weakly and John just nodded. He glanced at Alexander, deep in thought.

“Let them.” John said softly. He continued to stare at Alexander but did nothing more for several long second.

Eventually Alexander broke the tension as he leant forwards and put his hand on John’s cheek. John’s eyes widened in surprise and Alexander smiled.

“Alexander?”

“Shh.” Alexander whispered. He leant forwards and gently kissed John. He broke away and let his forehead rest against John’s, keeping his eyes closed. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about what I did.”

“Do-don’t apologise.” John whispered. He pulled back slightly and stared at Alexander. “I-” John paused for a second. He then leant forwards and kissed Alexander with as much trepidation as he had with his first kiss, the two scared little boys under the cherry tree.

They continued to kiss for several long minutes. Alexander was almost hesitant, he didn’t push forwards and claim John’s mouth for attention, he just allowed John to lead. John pushed back everything he’d been taught, everything that had been beaten into him, as he lost himself in the pure experience of kissing Alexander. Eventually they broke apart and Alexander let his forehead rest against John’s, eyes closed as if still waiting for judgement.

“I- what does this mean?” Alexander whispered. John sighed and shook his head. He didn’t know. In that moment he didn’t want to know.

“Don’t. Don’t think. Just let it happen.” John let his hands wander down to Alexander’s belt. Alexander stared at him, mouth dry. “Yes or no?”

“Yes. Fuck yes.” Alexander whispered. John smiled and leant forwards for another gentle kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we're nearing the end of the fic so please, if you want to be told when I upload the first sequel (full of lams and kid!Phillip) then subscribe to me or to this series if you're a user. I will also be putting information on the timings of the new work in the last chapter's notes (when I know the timings so not when they go up) so if you don't want to sub or do not have an account, check back in for updates about a week after the last chapter and I should have some info


	80. Washington Is Watching From The Other Side, Teach Me How To Say Goodbye

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” Alexander stated. Washington frowned at him.

“Language.”

“We’re going back to school while George is still running around? Are you fucking insane?”

“There doesn’t seem to be any indication that George wants to return here. It looks like he has taken Lafayette and Thomas and has achieved his aim.”

“Is that meant to make us feel better?” Alexander snapped out. Washington sighed.

“Alexander-”

“What? There’s nothing we can do and you’re expecting us to-”

“I am expecting you to obey me.” Washington’s voice was cold and Alexander blinked in surprise. “I am expecting you to act like the adults you nearly are. I cannot save Thomas or Lafayette and neither can you. There is nothing we can do until the police find them. Your education has been hurt time and time again over the last year and you, in particular Alexander, cannot afford for that trend to continue.”

Alexander stared at him mulishly. Washington took in a deep breath.

“Have the police told us anything else?” Hercules asked softly. Washington shook his head.

“They know that the blood is Thomas’ and George’s. Any more than that, no.”

“So when are they meant to do their fucking jobs?” Alexander spat out. “When are they meant to protect Laf and Jefferson?”

“Alexander,” Washington sighed. “There is nothing more I can tell you.”

“You have to have something!” Alexander shouted. He stood and stared around the room. “It’s not fair! It-” Alexander paused, as if he’d realised what he’d said. He turned on his heel and strode from the room.

Eliza was the one that stood and rushed out of the room. She found Alexander in the corridor, rubbing at his knuckles.

“Did you just punch the wall?” Eliza asked softly. Alexander nodded. “What’s wrong?”

“They’re gone.”

“Alexander,” Eliza put a hand on Alexander’s shoulder and he turned to her. “What’s wrong?”

“If they’re gone then everything can go.” Alexander admitted quietly. Eliza shook her head.

“No.”

“How long has Laf been here? And- and Jefferson is always fucking there! He knows everything and-”

“Thomas doesn’t know everything.”

“Hyperbole.”

“No. He doesn’t know a lot. And I’ve been here a lot longer than Laf.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Yorktown didn’t start with the eleven of us and it won’t end without Laf and Thomas.”

“I just- this feels like-”

“James was here before me. James was the first person who came here. Remember what it felt like when he was in hospital? We knew he might not come back but he did. Yorktown always comes back.”

“That’s cause we’ve got nowhere to go.”

“Maybe. Or maybe because we want to be here. You’ve got to trust Thomas and Laf. They’ll come back.”

“What if they don’t?”

“They will. Yorktown always comes home.”

 

“Hey, Aaron.” Theodosia said softly. Burr looked up. She was shifting nervously and he gestured at a seat next to him.

“Hey, Theo. Is something wrong?” Burr turned to her, ignoring the rest of the lunch table who were staring at the pair.

“Is it true? Jefferson and Lafayette. Are they- were they kidnapped?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh God.” Theo whispered, staring around the table in horror. “Wh-what do you know?”

“Someone was shot.” John said softly. “Probably Jefferson. George Frederick did it. Laf’s old foster father.”

“Do the police have any leads?”

“Nothing that they’ve shared.” Alexander stabbed at his food and glared at it. “It’s fucking bullshit!”

“What is?” Theo asked softly.

“Fucking all of it!” Alexander threw the fork down and glared at it. “For the first fucking time they were safe and happy! Then this asshole comes along and kidnaps them! And then everything just-” Alexander threw his hands up and glared down at the table again.

“We’ll get them back.” Angelica said softly. “Yorktown doesn’t give up.”

“Well what the fuck can Yorktown do?” Alexander snarled out.

“It’ll be fine.” Burr said softly. The table turned to him. There was something in his voice that promised safety. “We’ve survived worse. Jefferson’s survived worse.”

“Really?” Theo asked in horror. Burr nodded slowly.

“He nearly died.” Alexander offered. John took Alexander’s hand under the table while the rest of the table was looking away. Alexander squeezed gently.

“He had his spleen removed.” Angelica said softly. The table turned to her in surprise at that. “His spleen ruptured. It couldn’t be saved. He really did nearly die.”

“How?” Theo asked. Angelica sighed.

“Jefferson decided to protect someone.”

“He decided to kill someone.” John corrected quietly. Alexander shook his head at that.

“No he didn’t.”

“What’d you mean by that?” Angelica asked curiously. Alexander opened his mouth but closed it with a snap. It was meant to be a secret after all.

“He’s talked to me about it a few times. He- he didn’t go there expecting to kill someone. He says he does because- because it must be so fucking scary.”

“Who was he protecting?” Theo barely noticed as Burr’s hand found hers. She squeezed it gently as he slipped closer to her.

“A little girl he knew at the time.” Angelica frowned. “I don’t think they’ve seen each other since.”

“That must be hell.” Hercules said softly. Burr took the moment to stare at Hercules’ food. Hercules noticed the pointed glance and picked up the sandwich to take a slow bite.

“He’s survived that.” Burr addressed the entire table. “He survived that alone. He’s got Laf now. He’ll come back to us.”

“You sound like Jefferson.” Angelica whispered. Burr scoffed at that.

“He’s a lot more dramatic than I’ve ever been.”

 

Alexander walked into Washington’s office and slumped down in the seat across from him. Washington stared at him for a moment before Alexander burst into speech.

“Why did you leave the military?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why did you leave the military? I looked it all up. You were well on the way to being a General. But then you just left and I can’t figure out why. Your dad was a general, your whole family was a long line of military geniuses. Why did you decide to leave and go into social work?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because I want to know the truth.”

“I meant, what brought this curiosity on?”

“You’ve got dog tags in your desk.”

Washington stilled at that and stared at Alexander. There was silence in the room, not even broken by Alexander’s music.

“How do you know that?”

“I figured there was more I could find out from the police reports. Which were locked in your desk.”

“Was there?”

“No. Why did you leave?”

Washington sighed and leant back. He watched Alexander for a moment before he nodded.

“I joined the military when I was sixteen. I trained in the Army and I was promoted several times. I was deployed three times. On each deployment I lost someone close to me. I gained a squad of my own and I made sure I never lost any of them. I left the Army thirteen years ago. I trained in social work, used my own money to buy Yorktown and James came to me not long after.”

“Why’d you leave?”

“I left because I never wanted it. I joined the army because it was expected of me.”

“Shitty parents?”

“Quite. My father pushed for me to join the army all my life. When I joined I expected to make him happy and it didn’t work.”

“Did he hit you?”

“I come from a different time, remember. I know many of my friends were beaten from a young age as punishment. My father didn’t abuse me.”

“Did he hit you?” Alexander repeated, as if Washington hadn’t spoken. Washington sighed.

“Yes.”

“What happened when you quit?”

“I didn’t talk to my father for the next seven years. He only spoke to me again when he was dying. He never forgave me.”

“But you did it anyway.”

“I realised I couldn’t waste my life following someone else. I didn’t want to remain in the army, I wanted to help people.”

“And fighting for your country wouldn’t help?”

“William Ness died on my first tour. He had a pregnant wife and two children. I went to their house to deliver the news and I realised they wouldn’t be able to stay afloat. I helped them financially but I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened. I wanted to help.”

“Makes sense. I guess military helps coping with us.”

“Nothing could prepare me for you lot.”

Alexander chuckled at that and stared at Washington.

“We’re gonna get them back, aren’t we?”

“I’ve never lost a man under my command, Alexander. I don’t intend to start now.”

“When did we become your soldiers?”

“When you decided to stay here.”

“Thing is, I don’t remember doing that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone hyped for the next chapter?


	81. Sept, Huit, Neuf, Sept, Huit...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week today I will be updating the final note and changing it to talk about when the next story in this series will be published. So look out for that.  
> Also,If anyone makes fanart of Jefferson and Lafayette just before they're on the phone then I will love that person forever (you don't have to be a number one artist, I just feel such an urge for that imagine and I know I can't write it well). Also, if anyone makes that fanart before next week then I will tell them a super secret thing that will make them happy.  
> Edit: you can submit the fanart by sending me the link in a comment or by submitting it to me on Tumblr or mentioning it in a post on Tumblr. My username is blazingstarininkyblackness

Jefferson stared at the wall, eyes not focusing. He could hear George walking around the room but he couldn’t bring himself to care too much. George had already thrown the condom in the bin, having hissed that he didn’t want anything Jefferson had.

Jefferson hadn’t said anything. He had nothing left to say.

“Are you going to lie there all day?” George snapped out. Jefferson slowly sat up and winced at the pain in his gut. He stared down at the injury and saw blood dribbling from it.

“Fuck.” Jefferson muttered as he saw blood drip onto the white bedsheet. Before he knew what was happening George had punched him in the face. Jefferson fell to the floor and bit down hard on his cheek to make sure he didn’t scream.

“You got blood everywhere!” George shouted. Jefferson closed his eyes as he expected the next blow. “You bastard!”

“I’m sorry, sir.” Jefferson said quietly, almost automatically. George huffed in anger.

“You’re pathetic.”

Jefferson didn’t bother wasting time correcting him. He knew there wasn’t even a correction to be made. He _was_ pathetic, naked and kneeling on the floor in front of George.

“Yes, sir.”

“Get up. Get changed.” George threw a bundle of clothes at Jefferson who began to tug them on. When he was clothed he stood and stared at George. He knew that if he attacked George he could probably overpower him, could probably get the gun and kill him.

He also knew that if he did that, his injury would open up and that even if he managed it, there would be a real chance he didn’t make it out of the house alive.

Jefferson was selfish to the end.

He left the room and George pushed him into Lafayette’s room. Instantly Lafayette was on his feet, shouting. Jefferson flinched but George just slammed the door closed. Jefferson took another step forwards before Lafayette enveloped him in a hug.

“I am so sorry, mon ami. I did not know. I did not know!”

“It-it’s-” Jefferson broke off. It wasn’t okay. He felt tears spring to his eyes and he began to sob, nearly collapsing into Lafayette’s arms. Lafayette began to whisper things in French that Jefferson could only half hear. All he could remember was what he’d just been through, trapped underneath George.

“I am so sorry.” Lafayette whispered, voice thick with tears.

“I- I don’t-” Jefferson pulled back and wiped his tears away. “I don’t-” Jefferson shook his head and pulled Lafayette close. He buried his face in the crook of Lafayette’s shoulder, as if hiding from the world could protect him.

“It is okay. It is okay.” Lafayette began to pat Jefferson’s back and a new wave of sobs hit Jefferson. He was meant to be the strong one but he couldn’t be, not in that moment.

Lafayette gently pushed Jefferson away and sat down, as far away from the bed as they could be. Jefferson curled into Lafayette and Lafayette embraced him tightly. Maybe if he held Jefferson close enough what had just happened wouldn’t be real, would just fade into nothingness.

“Did he rape you?” Lafayette asked softly, knowing and already hating the answer. Jefferson whimpered before he nodded. “Mon ami-”

“I- I knew he would. If- you’re what he’s after. I’m just an inconvenience. The- the moment I’m not useful then he’ll get rid of me. I- I needed to give him a use for me. I have a use this way.”

“You think this will happen again.” Lafayette said softly, horror in his voice.

“Hercules got out.” Jefferson pressed himself into Lafayette’s side as he spoke. “But he was going to-” Jefferson shook his head and wiped at his eyes. “You- you found the phone, right?”

“Oui. But it was almost dead. And I did find your charger and I did charge it and I- I did call but- it- we are- it will be a while.”

“But you talked to the police?”

“Yes. And they are- they are sending the ambulance. They- it will be okay. They are coming.”

“Is it charged?” Jefferson asked quietly.

“It must remain on for them to track our location so yes.”

“I- I want James.” Any other time Jefferson would be ashamed of how his voice shook, how weak he sounded. In that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Thomas-”

“Please.”

Lafayette’s shoulders sank and he sighed. He pulled the phone out of his back pocket and carefully handed it to Jefferson who took it gingerly.

“Do not take long.” Lafayette said softly. Jefferson nodded and selected the contact.

“I won’t. I promise.” With that, Jefferson hit the call button and heard it ring out for a moment. James picked up almost instantly and Jefferson let out a shaky sigh.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“T-Thomas.” Jefferson just managed to get out around the lump in his throat.

“Oh my god!” James half shouted. “Where are you? Why aren’t you using your phone? Are you okay? What happened? Are you with Laf? Are-”

“Shh.” Jefferson muttered out, half smiling. “Ta-talking too much. Ima-gine what Burr would say.”

“Thomas, I’m getting Washington.”

“No time. I just- I need to hear you. Just- just for a bit.”

“What happened?” James asked. He hadn’t heard Jefferson sounding this wrecked in a long time. “Did he shoot you?”

“Ye- yeah.” Jefferson muttered. “George Frederick. He- he-” Jefferson sucked in a breath and tried to calm his breathing. A loud sob was ripped from his throat despite his efforts and he turned to Lafayette, half burying his face. Lafayette felt tears pricking the corners of his own eyes.

“Thomas, what happened?” James’ voice was soft.

“He raped me.” Jefferson whispered. There was no reply for a moment.

“Thomas…” James trailed off. “Laf’s there, right?”

“Yeah. He’s safe.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean that. Is he hurt?”

“No.”

“Are you?” James waited for an answer but Jefferson didn’t respond. “Thomas?”

“Yes?”

“Are you hurt?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson whispered. “He hit me and the gunshot and then the- the other stuff.”

“How dangerous is the gunshot?”

“It’s mostly fixed.”

“Mostly?”

“It’s still in me.” Jefferson’s voice was soft again. “I- I have a bullet inside me, James.” His voice broke and he heaved in a shaky breath.

“Get off the phone, Thomas. Call the police. Call an ambulance.”

“We called them but I don’t want them. I want you.” Jefferson whispered pathetically. James paused for a long moment before he answered, voice thick with emotion.

“I’m home. You just need to come home and you’ll be safe. I swear.”

“Mon ami, this is-”

“I know, Laf. Just- just give me a moment.” Jefferson took a deep breath and forced his voice to be a bit steadier. “James, what-whatever happens now it-”

“Nothing will happen. You have a phone. An ambulance can get there. It’ll be fine. Everything- everything else we can cope with. Herc and Maria got over being- being raped. We can help you, you just need to be here.”

“No, no. If s-something happens, you need to be there to comfort Herc.”

“What?” James asked in confusion. Lafayette turned to Jefferson with a similar expression.

“You gotta be there. He-”

“For once in your goddamn life,” James snarled out each word, “stop thinking about other people. Get _home_ , Thomas. Get home and- and it’ll be okay.”

“I-”

“Promise me.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Come back home when you’re done. Be smart.”

“Yeah.” Jefferson didn’t believe him for a second. “We need to- to hang up.”

“Go on then.”

“Goodbye, James.” Jefferson said softly, trying to shake the feeling that this might be the last time they spoke.

“Thomas, I-” James paused and Jefferson waited. “You’re really shit at keeping promises.”

“I-” Before Jefferson could say anything more, the door swung open. He tried to hide the phone but the quick movement pulled at his injury and he couldn’t help the sharp inhale of breath. George’s eyes snapped over to him and his face dropped.

“What was that?” James asked, voice small from the phone. Lafayette glanced at Jefferson before he slowly stood, hands extended in a placating gesture.

“Father, this is not-”

“How fucking dare you!” George shouted as he grabbed Lafayette’s collar. He hauled Lafayette closer and then punched him square in the face. Lafayette let out a yelp as he was thrown back onto the floor. George lunged for the phone but Jefferson stopped him by launching himself at George.

That phone was the only thing connecting them to the police. If George managed to destroy it there was no guarantee that they’d be able to track them in time. More than that, James was still on the line. Jefferson recognised it was irrational but he didn’t want George even that close to his brother.

Jefferson managed to force George to the ground but was almost instantly flipped onto his back which knocked the air out of him.

George pinned Jefferson down and raised his fist back. Jefferson kept his mouth closed for the first hit, knowing that James would hear, James would know he was weak, James would worry. By the second hit Jefferson was screaming.

“Who were you calling?” George yelled down. Jefferson shook his head and received another hit that he screamed at. He could still hear James’ voice from the phone and Jefferson sobbed at that thought. “Did you call the police?” George shouted again. Jefferson refused to answer and George raised his fist back.

“Please do not!” Lafayette shouted but there was nothing he could do. George punched Jefferson again and again. The pain throughout his body was too much. When George finally rolled off him, Jefferson felt halfway to passing out.

“I didn’t!” Jefferson shouted out finally. George paused and grabbed for the phone, letting Jefferson roll to the side where his breathing became slightly easier. He glanced over to Lafayette who was staring at him with wide eyes. Jefferson forced a shaky smile but knew by Lafayette’s expression it wasn’t convincing.

“Who is this?” George spat down the phone. Jefferson winced as he realised how close George was to James.

“James Madison.” James’ voice barely wavered and Jefferson smiled at that.

“Did they call the police?”

“N-no.”

Jefferson closed his eyes in defeat. James had never been a good liar. George had obviously picked up on the lie because he growled before pulling the gun from his pocket. Lafayette tensed in fear and Jefferson watched the gun cautiously.

“I’m guessing your friends told you what I did to them.” George cocked the gun next to the phone and Jefferson heard James’ sharp intake of breath.

“Is that-”

“There are two people here. I only need one of them.” George raised the gun and pointed it at Jefferson’s head. Jefferson felt his heart speed up as he stared down the barrel. “Do you know how long it takes to die from a head shot? The ambulance wouldn’t get here on time. A gut shot,” George pointed the pistol lower and Jefferson felt his heart stop for a second. “Now that might give him a fighting chance.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I want a family.” George growled out. “Isn’t everyone entitled to that? I want Gilbert to live with me peacefully. If he refuses to do that then I will hurt everyone around him until he does what he’s told. Until he learns his place.”

“You’re mad.” James whispered. George’s eyes narrowed and he pointed the gun at Jefferson’s head again.

“Did they call an ambulance, yes or no?” There was silence for a moment and George sighed. “Or maybe you just want me to bring him back into my bed. See how-”

“Yes.” James blurted out. “They did.” George smiled at that.

“Thank you, James Madison. You’ve been more help than I think you could possibly realise.” With that, George hung up. It cut off James’ frantic speech but George didn’t seem to care.

George stared down at the phone in his hand for a moment as silence enveloped the room. Lafayette glanced at Jefferson who just attempted to shrug back. It was moe of an attempt than a success because of the pain across his body. Eventually George slowly clicked the safety off the gun, a noise that made both the teenagers flinch back. He then put it back in his pocket.

George stepped forwards and stared down at Jefferson, eyes cold and stony. Jefferson stared up, eyes wide.

“I don’t like it when people lie to me, Thomas.” George crouched down and ran a hand down Jefferson’s face. Jefferson shuddered. “Or when they call me mad.”

“Don’t hurt him.” Jefferson whispered. “Please don’t hurt him.”

“I wasn’t intending to.” George muttered. His hand paused, cupping at Jefferson’s face. Jefferson was caught between sobbing and throwing up. Before he could do either, George was knocked to the side. Jefferson flinched back but when he looked again he could see Lafayette trying to wrestle the phone out of George’s hand. Jefferson moved forward but it was over nearly as quickly as it had begun, Lafayette being thrown aside again. This time it was followed by a kick to the stomach and he curled up instinctively. George towered over both of them.

“You’re going to regret that.” George spat down at Lafayette. Lafayette tried to look strong but his face betrayed how terrified he was. He glanced at Jefferson and George smiled. “I’ve promised you before, Gilbert, I won’t hurt you.” George stood and walked towards Jefferson who stared up in horror.

“No! Please! He did not do anything!” Lafayette called out as he tried to rise. His legs gave out and he whined as he hit the floor. George reached Jefferson and regarded him with open disgust, as if Jefferson wasn’t even human.

“He’s a whore, Gilbert. An orphan. He’s not like us. He’s nothing.” With that, George brought his foot down with all of his might onto the teenager’s leg and a crack rang out in the room. Jefferson screamed as his vision whited out for a second. When he was in control again he heard Lafayette pleading.

“Do not hurt him please! It was not him!” Lafayette begged, tears streaming down his face. “I- it was me!”

“I don’t care. Get up.” George pulled out the gun and pointed it at Jefferson. “Help him up.”

“Wh-where are we going?” Lafayette asked. George scoffed.

“We’re going to the car. You don’t need to know anything more.”

“I-” Lafayette cut himself off. There was no point trying to fight back now, not while Jefferson’s leg was so obviously broken. Jefferson could barely stand and even when he found his feet he couldn’t support himself. Lafayette held him up as they began to hobble out of the room but George scoffed.

“Move.”

“I am trying.” Lafayette said softly. Jefferson didn’t say anything, too busy trying to stay upright and not pass out.

“Try harder.”

Lafayette sighed before he stopped. He pulled Jefferson into a bridal carry and hefted him up. Jefferson let out a cry of pain as his bullet wound was jostled.

“It shall be okay, mon ami.” Lafayette whispered as he walked down the stairs carefully. He was crying gently, the tears mixing with the blood on his face from George’s punches. He was pushed into the car and he gently laid Jefferson down. Jefferson shifted himself into the seat and pulled the seatbelt down.

It was only when both of the teenagers were in the car that George lowered the gun slightly to get into the front seat. He locked the car and turned around.

“Give me your hands.” George spat at Jefferson. Jefferson stared at him for a moment, as the words refused to form a meaning, before he proffered his hands. George grabbed them and pulled zip ties tight around them. Jefferson winced in pain which George just grinned at. “We could have done this nicely. Everything that happens now is your own fault.”

“That-” Lafayette cut himself off with a scowl. George smiled.

“Give me your hands, Gilbert.” Lafayette extended his hands and George pulled the zip tie around them. It was only then that he started the engine. “Don’t make me gag you as well.”

Jefferson felt his eyes slide closed and he shifted closer to Lafayette. He rested his head against Lafayette’s shoulder and ignored the blood that was covering their seats. The injury in his gut was burning, a spot of red hot pain in amongst the rest of the agony that was his body.

“It shall be okay.” Lafayette whispered. “Sleep if you can. When you wake we will be home. Everything will be okay.”

Jefferson didn’t bother to call Lafayette out on his lie. Instead he just snuggled closer to the teen, his one source of warmth and familiarity, and let his eyes slide closed.

 

As Jefferson slept, Lafayette watched the road. There were few cars on the road and the signs didn’t help Lafayette at all. He was fairly sure they were in America but he had no idea really. None of the names were recognisable.

George said nothing as they sped through the roads. Lafayette watched him carefully while he gently ran his hand through Jefferson’s hair. It was greasy and there were strands entwined by blood but Lafayette didn’t let that stop him. He needed the contact of another human being, to know that he wasn’t alone and that Jefferson was still okay.

“Why did you rape him?” Lafayette asked softly, surprised the moment the words were out of his mouth. George turned to look at him and scoffed.

“Let it go, Gilbert.”

“Non. He did not deserve this! None of them did. I do not!” Lafayette took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. “If you truly wished to be my father then why did you continue to collude with Reynolds? All hope of regaining me was lost.”

“I knew Reynolds long before you were taken from me. He’s never been the smartest but he has his uses.”

“He- uses? How?”

“Don’t be naïve, Gilbert. You know what your whore boyfriend did.”

“Do not call him that!” Lafayette spat out. George glared at him but didn’t press. “You hurt Hercules. You hurt me. You simply want me to ignore that? What is your plan, George? It shall not work.”

“I have you.”

“And how many of the police are chasing you? Jefferson shall need medical attention.”

“You wouldn’t be able to hide a body.” Jefferson said softly. Lafayette didn’t realise he’d been listening but Jefferson seemed to be more than listening. He was frowning, as if he was turning an idea over and over in his head.

He’d been in this situation before. So very different but so very similar at the same time. Could he bring himself to do it again? Jefferson shifted and hissed in pain. He realised, with a shooting icy cold fear, that he might not get a choice this time.

“Who would miss him?” George scoffed. “He’s nothing, Gilbert. He has no family. He’s just another orphan.”

“He is _my_ family!” Lafayette snarled out. “He has Yorktown! We are a family far more than you and I ever were!” Lafayette felt Jefferson slip his hand into Lafayette’s and weakly squeeze, almost in solidarity against the horrific situation they were in.

“You’re deluded, Gilbert. I’ll show you.”

“How? By harming me again? By beating me? By starving me? Maybe next by _raping_ me? Nothing you have done is good! You have hurt the people I care for, again and again and yet you somehow think I should love you. You are the deluded one and I wish for no part of it.”

“Don’t make me gag you.” George snarled out. Lafayette glared at him and slowly sat back, seemingly accepting the threat.

“Where are we going?” Jefferson asked softly. George shot him a look before he answered.

“Somewhere safe.”

“Where?”

“Since you ran crying to the police I don’t think you deserve answers.”

“Do not blame that on him! You hurt him. It does not matter with you! I was loyal for years! I was good and-”

“You call this good? You call this loyal?” George shouted. “You’re nothing without me, Gilbert! You’re a broken toy no-one wanted!”

“Hercules wants me!” Lafayette snapped back. “Alexander wants me! Laurens wants me!”

“And I want you.” Lafayette’s breath stuttered as George’s face hardened. “And I play dirty. You will be loyal. You will be good. You will be my son and I do not accept failures.” Lafayette stared at George for several long moments at that, anger bubbling in his chest. It felt as if he was about to explode from the injustices that had been piled upon him.

“If you are to do me harm,” Lafayette spat out, “then use my _fucking_ pro-nouns.”

“Laf…” Jefferson whispered as a warning. Before he could say anything else, the car pulled to a stop in the middle of the road.

“What the fuck do you mean by that?” George hissed out. Lafayette straightened and stared at George.

“I am done being cowed by you. I am never to be your son! I am not a man and I never have been. I am gender fluid, I use they them pronouns and I am a Lafayette. My lineage is just as strong as yours. My family is as rich as yours. You do not get to rule over me simply because a system gave me to you. I am not your child and I am definitely not your son. I am Lafayette!”

“You are my son!”

“Casse toi!” Lafayette spat out. There was silence for a moment and then George launched himself forwards. He grabbed Lafayette’s collar and pulled them close. Lafayette pushed back but couldn’t overpower the man. George stared at them for a moment before he dropped one hand and punched Lafayette.

They reeled backwards as George began to shout.

“You don’t fucking speak!” George yelled. He dragged Lafayette close again with one hand, while the other began to rummage behind him.

Jefferson watched it all happen through half glazed eyes. He was finding it more difficult to track movements as George continued to shout. The words faded into each other until they faded into nothing.

“Don’t!” Lafayette screeched in pain. Jefferson forced himself to concentrate and his blood grew cold as he saw George pull back with an empty syringe in his hand. Lafayette stared at him, their eyes blinking slower. “I-” Lafayette slurred out. George released his grip and Lafayette fell back.  Jefferson scrambled to Lafayette and took their head in his hands.

Lafayette was still breathing and it was only when Jefferson had checked his pulse that he turned back to George.

“Why?” Jefferson realised his voice was slurring, that something was terribly wrong.

“Because he didn’t want to be my son. He will be.”

“You’re a monster.”

George pulled the gun out and pointed it at Jefferson. He pulled back and George smirked. “Sit back and shut up.”

Jefferson leant back and stared at Lafayette. Thoughts were racing through his head a thousand miles an hour. He felt too tired. He didn’t understand that. He didn’t understand anything anymore.

Jefferson lifted up his shirt slightly and sucked in a breath as he saw the bandage was soaked with red and was wet to the touch.

“I’m bleeding.” Jefferson whispered. “It- the bullet wound.”

“Why the fuck should I care?” George snarled out. “You’ve done nothing to help. You’re only useful for one thing.”

“I-” Jefferson stared at the wound and touched it gently. It stung like hell and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from yelling. “Please.” George locked eyes with him. “I need help.”

“No.”

“I- if I don’t get help I might die! I-”

“Another word and I’ll put you out of your misery now.”

Before Jefferson could say another word, the world around him began to dip out of consciousness until he collapsed backwards onto the blood soaked seat.

 

Jefferson was next aware of the world when sirens wrenched through the air. He blinked sluggishly as a sudden wave of air hit his side. He was pulled up and he stumbled out of the car.

Jefferson couldn’t make out the vague shapes in the distance from his left eye, puffed and bruised as it was. But he could most definitely make out the cold metal of a gun pressed to his neck and George’s shouts.

“If you come closer he dies!” Jefferson groaned slightly at that and George laughed manically. “You won’t do it! You can’t kill a ward of the state! None of you are faster than me! You-” Jefferson drowned out the rest of the noise as he saw Washington in the crowd.

Jefferson felt that he should stand, should show the man that he could still fight but his head was spinning too much and his body hurt too much. Washington’s eyes were focused on him and him alone. He mouthed something and Jefferson frowned.

Washington glanced at George, obviously intimidated by a threat he’d just issued. Jefferson didn’t know what it had been. It had probably been a good one as well. He’d never realised that George was this unhinged. Not just any King, Mad King George. Jefferson chuckled wetly at that.

Washington stared at him in horror and Jefferson frowned until he felt a liquid trickling from his mouth. He was pretty sure it wasn’t saliva.

“Let him go! He needs medical attention!” One of the police officers cried out. George shook his head fiercely.

“He’s mine! He will always be mine!” His voice shrieked. “If I go out he’ll go with me.” Jefferson was still watching Washington, confused. Washington locked eyes with him before pushing his hand down. Jefferson frowned before feeling his body. George was almost fully supporting him. The man was off balance. So if he-

Jefferson nodded slightly to Washington who smiled. Washington slowly raised ten fingers. Time seemed to slow.

TEN

He put one down. Jefferson wondered where they were, where his final stand would be. It didn’t matter and maybe it would make more sense, no-one knew where he’d been born either. No-one cared. He wasn’t going to make a mark on the world, what did his death place matter?

NINE

Jefferson wished he could talk, in case he didn’t make it through he wanted the world to know what he’d intended to do. He’d wanted to be safe. He’d wanted a home. He’d wanted to be happy.

EIGHT

Jefferson felt the gun stick into his neck, the sight scratching a trail down his cheek. His heart leapt in fear. George had to throw away his bullet. The police would yield and they could both live another day.

SEVEN

Jefferson was almost giddy as he watched the sun slowly trickle over the horizon and the city it illuminated was all too similar to his New York City, the city he’d found a home in. He was terrified he’d already lost that world.

SIX

The boy idly wondered if this spot was important, or maybe if this was the point where both his rapist and his father might die, whichever George that may be.

FIVE

The gun was cold, painful. Jefferson knew he should be scared as he examined it but he couldn’t summon the energy. He had never hurt so many souls. Maybe this was what he deserved.

FOUR

Jefferson wondered briefly where Kitty was. Maybe she was still asleep. Jefferson wished he could have left a letter or sent that final text. He knew he could have done better for the girl.

THREE

George pushed the gun in deeper and Jefferson realised this was the last chance for the police to negotiate. Jefferson wished he could know if George was softening, if he had an instinct for self-preservation. But Jefferson knew George didn’t. There was no yielding, there was no throwing the shot away, a bullet would end up in someone.

And George was the better shot.

TWO

Jefferson’s last coherent thought was of James. He wondered if news of his death would get back before James opened his eyes.

ONE

Jefferson had nothing. A question flickered through his brain; did he even want to survive?

ZERO

Washington made his hand into a fist and Jefferson pushed his weight forwards. George yelped in surprise and a gunshot sounded through the air.

ZERO

It was like a glitch in the system, the world freezing around that tiny pellet of metal as it ripped through flesh and bone, seeking its target.

ZERO

It shouldn’t have mattered.

ZERO

It was so small it couldn’t have mattered.

ZERO

But a single bullet can change the world.

ZERO

Jefferson’s eyes closed as he hit the ground.


	82. We Keep Living Anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm a bad person. There's one more chapter after this, I was never gonna leave you on a cliffhanger that bad  
> Also, I feel like I need to thank everyone who sent me reviews. I got so many my email thought it was spam and sent them all into my spam folder

Jefferson sucked in a breath as his head hit the ground. He looked around and saw people rushing forwards. They weren’t holding guns. Jefferson frowned. Who had been shot? Was it him?

He would have thought he’d notice that. He had last time after all.

Washington was running towards him and Jefferson looked up at him. He needed to know, he had to know if Lafayette was okay, if Lafayette was even alive anymore.

Washington ran past him. Rude, a small part of Jefferson’s brain said. He was glad, with possibly two gunshot wounds, however many bruises, a broken leg, and concussion, his mind could still conjure up sarcasm. That was dedication.

Jefferson heard the sound of a fist connecting with skin and flinched back before he realised it hadn’t hurt. He turned slightly and gaped.

Washington was holding George by the collar. One shoulder was stained in blood and George seemed to be in immense pain. Washington pulled his fist back again and punched George in the face.

Then someone was pulling Washington back and he went, leaving George bleeding in the street. Jefferson shuffled away from him and immediately Washington was at his side.

“Are you okay, son?” Washington was there, cradling Jefferson’s head. Jefferson couldn’t make sense of what was going on, could barely make sense of words.

“Wha-”

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Jefferson tried to concentrate but he just shook his head.

“Where am I?”

“Weehawken, New Jersey. George led us on quite a chase. We got you eventually.”

“How long?”

“Several days.” Washington frowned. “Do you not remember?”

“Fuzzy.” Jefferson mumbled out. Someone was next to him suddenly, trying to pull his sleeve up. He pushed them back, fear forcing its way to the forefront of his mind. “Get off me!” He screeched. He cowered back and Washington watched with worry painted across his face.

“It’s okay, Thomas.” Washington extended a hand which Jefferson took after a second. “It’s a paramedic. They just want to check you over.”

“Don’t want them to touch.”

“Okay. Why not?”

Jefferson stared mulishly at Washington for a few moments, refusing to give an answer.

“Where’s Laf? He- they were in the car.”

“Lafayette is okay. Are you?”

“He r-” Jefferson shook his head. “He hurt me.” Jefferson nearly whispered. Washington watched him for a long second.

“How?”

“Shot me. Hit me round a bit. A lot, really.”

“Did anything else happen?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson whispered. He leaned into Washington, letting himself have an anchor as he summoned his strength. “He raped me.” Washington felt rage bubble in his chest again.

“I should have hit the bastard again.”

“You’re not meant to condone violence. Or swearing.” Jefferson mumbled out.

“Where did he shoot you?”

Rather than responding, Jefferson tugged his shirt up. Washington huffed a breath as he saw the injury. It was red and swollen, heat pulsing off it. It stood out, even amongst the medley of bruises that seemed to cover most of his body.

“Wanna see Laf.” Jefferson said softly. “Then I want enough morphine to be not fucking here.”

“Can you stand?”

“I-” Jefferson shook his head but made no move to try. “I think my leg’s broken.”

“Okay.” Washington looped his arm underneath Jefferson’s and pulled him up. When Jefferson was on his feet it was obvious he couldn’t walk on his own. He saw someone approaching him and he flinched back. “He’s just going to help get you to the ambulance.” Washington said softly. Jefferson shook his head.

“Don’t wanna.” Jefferson whispered. He braced himself for the hit that came, that would always come.

“Okay.” Washington said softly. The two began to walk, Jefferson completely unable to support his own weight. When they got to the ambulance Jefferson was laid down on a stretcher. He immediately tried to sit up but Washington pushed him down gently.

“Laf?” Jefferson asked, a tinge of desperation in his voice.

“There.” Washington pointed to George’s car. Lafayette was sat outside as the paramedics fussed around them. When they caught sight of Jefferson they stood and strode to the ambulance. Jefferson couldn’t help the wrench of guilt in his stomach as he saw the bruises covering his friend’s face.

“Mon ami, je suis vraiment désolé! Je ne savais pas qu'il ferait tout ça. Tu es blessé et c'est de ma faute! Je suis vraiment désolé!”

“C’mon, Laf.” Jefferson took Lafayette’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Not your fault. It’s his fault.”

“He only harmed you because of me!”

“I could have walked away.” Jefferson reminded them softly. “I could have left when he pulled the gun out the first time.”

“You are a fool.” Lafayette whispered before pulling Jefferson into a hug. “You are my fool.”

“That won’t change.” Jefferson whispered. He pulled back but kept Lafayette’s hand in his. He glanced at the paramedics warily. “Can you stop the pain? Please.”

“Okay, we’re going to sedate you now.” One of the paramedics warned. Jefferson smiled at that, for what felt like the first time in decades.

 

When Jefferson opened his eyes, James was sat at the end of his bed. He blinked blearily just to confirm. He then smiled.

“I kept my promise.” Jefferson’s voice was weak as he smiled softly at James. James’ head snapped up and the wonder that passed across his face almost made Jefferson want to cry. “I came home.”

“With a bullet in you.” James said roughly.

“Bit of excitement thrown in there?”

“Thomas…”

“Yep?” Jefferson smiled at James who couldn’t help but return it.

“I’m so fucking glad you’re back.” James’ voice broke slightly and he whimpered before smiling again.

“When’d you start swearing?”

“Probably about the time my brothers got kidnapped by a madman.”

“Good time to start, I guess.” Jefferson went to push himself into a sitting position but then whimpered and fell back.

“Don’t try to move.” James pushed his wheelchair around to the side of Jefferson. “They had to operate to get the bullet out of you. The wound was already infected before you arrived.”

“Well that sucks.”

“Should be okay now. It’ll hurt though.”

“Where’s everyone else?”

“We thought that it might be… best if you woke up without too many people.” Each word was slow and careful. Jefferson frowned.

“Why?”

“In case-” James sighed and broke off. “They did a rape kit, Thomas. It came-”

“It came back positive. I know, James. I was there.” Jefferson sighed. “Are they avoiding me or are they expecting me to avoid them?”

“They don’t know what to do.”

“How did they find out?”

“I- I kind of told them. When we heard you were in hospital I called Washington. It was a group call thing and I just had to know. Washington tried not to say anything but it was obvious.”

“Just because that asshole fucked me does-”

“Raped.” James corrected softly. Jefferson looked to him with a quirked eyebrow. James shrugged. “It’s what you tell Maria to say. You can’t dismiss it as sex. If it wasn’t-”

“I know.” Jefferson sighed. “Just- just because he… raped…” the words were difficult to get out, no matter how true he knew they were. “Me doesn’t mean I can’t see the rest of Yorktown.”

“Laf’s really eager to see you. Can I send them in?”

“Yeah. And- fuck it. Get them all.”

“Sure?”

“Why not?”

It was obvious that James could think of a thousand reasons why not. Luckily he decided not to share any of them.

Jefferson laid back and took several deep breaths in. He knew he had to be on something good because there wasn’t any pain in his body. In the emptiness of the room he took the opportunity to pull his gown apart to see the bandages wrapped around his stomach.

He wanted to see if the injury was any better but he wasn’t stupid enough to move the bandages. Stupid enough to get shot and kidnapped, but not quite that stupid.

“Thomas!” That was all the warning he got before there were arms around him. He yelped and went to push the person back but they were already pulling back.

“Laf.” Jefferson smiled at them, trying to ignore how much they’d just terrified him.

“Oui!” Lafayette’s face fell as they looked over Jefferson. “I am so sorry, mon ami. I-”

“You didn’t do it. It wasn’t your fault.” Jefferson interrupted Lafayette.

“They still aren’t believing that.” Hercules said as he walked into the room. He linked his hands with Lafayette before he looked back at Jefferson with a wary look in his eyes. “You okay?”

“I mean, I’ve been shot so you can probably guess.”

“Don’t be a smartass.” Alexander came to sit next to Jefferson. “Plenty of people get shot and are fine.”

“Non, petit lion, non.” Lafayette sounded disappointed and Alexander just shrugged and mumbled something under his breath. Jefferson watched as everyone filed into the room. He expected some kind of panic response but nothing happened. He just watched his family spread out into the room.

Jefferson froze at that thought. Family?

This wasn’t his family. His family kicked him out. Time and time again, family abandoned him. Family left because that was all family ever did. Yorktown wasn’t a family because they were forever. Yorktown was forever.

“Hey, Tommy.” Maria said softly. Her face was clear of make-up and it was obvious she’d been crying. Jefferson shook his head and opened his arms. She paused for a moment before she stepped into them and he hugged her tightly.

“I’m okay.” He whispered.

“King hurt ya.”

“Only once.” Jefferson knew, as soon as he’d said it, that the rest of the room had heard his words. Angelica, Eliza, Hercules and Alexander looked ready to kill while the rest were mixed somewhere between horror and sorrow. Burr, in the corner of the room, remained expressionless but his hands were curled into fists.

“That don’t make it any better.” Maria said softly. She began to cry and Jefferson just held her.

“I know.”

“How-how long were we gone for?” Jefferson asked, trying to regain some semblance of control over the room.

“A week and a half.” James said with a sigh. “Any longer and you would have given me a heart attack. That phone call… I-”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Jefferson snorted and shrugged. “It did its job. Got the police there. Told you we weren’t dead.”

“It got us all on the right track.” Washington said from the back of the room.

“That’s good.” Jefferson muttered. He smiled at the people in front of him. “I- I think I’m gonna go to sleep again.”

“Okay, son.” Washington nodded. “Sleep. We’ll be here when you wake up.” Jefferson nodded and pulled the blanket towards him. He closed his eyes but then paused.

“Oh, by the way.” Jefferson turned to Angelica who raised an eyebrow in confusion. “I was wrong.”

“You were… wrong?” Angelica half asked, not fully following him. Not following him at all, in fact. Jefferson smiled tiredly.

“A bullet hurts a lot more than your snowballs.”

 

“I passed, by the way.”

Jefferson opened one eye to look at Alexander. He stood at the end of the bed, staring at Jefferson.

“What?”

“I passed Ned Stevens’ test. I’m not going to be put down a year.”

“That’s good.”

“I wanna say thanks.” Alexander shifted slightly at that. “I- I wouldn’t’ve done it without you. Couldn’t’ve.”

“Probably could.” Jefferson closed his eyes again. “You’re clever.”

“Not clever enough. Not- not for all that. Look I-” Alexander sat down in the seat next to Jefferson and sighed. “I’m here to talk to if you need. I can’t fucking imagine what you’ve just been through but I’m here.”

“I’m fine.”

“Bullshit.” Alexander scoffed out. Jefferson opened one eye again to glare at him. “Look, I’m not here to fight. I’m really not. I just- I just need you to know that. I- you told me to make my way out of the system and you actually fucking helped me with that. It didn’t matter that you hated my guts you-”

“I don’t hate you.” Jefferson sighed and opened both eyes. “You’re annoying but- I don’t hate you. You’re part of Yorktown. You’re- you’re basically my brother.”

“What?” Alexander asked, caught off guard by that. Jefferson shrugged and winced at the tug of bruised skin.

“You helped Maria and Herc when I’d promised not to. You even helped Laf and John. I’m not going to get into how much Angelica would be indebted to you if you told her the truth about her father. When you hadn’t even been here a week you stood up for James. Every time you saw one of them get hurt you tried to stop it. When you saw me being hurt after the pamphlet you tried to stop it.”

“You were getting the crap kicked out of you. Of course-”

“Nuh uh. I’m talking now.” Jefferson interrupted. “You stuck around for the fall out from that stupid pamphlet. You stuck around when everything was telling you to run. When you had to commit perjury you did it. You didn’t have to. You could have walked away scott free but you decided to help the sisters. You tried to be there for me. I- I can’t hate you. You’re my brother. Fuck, you’re my friend, Alexander.”

“Thanks.” Alexander muttered. Jefferson watched him and scoffed.

“Of course,” Jefferson jumped at the third voice in the room. He turned to see Burr stood in the doorway. He was smiling slightly, almost fondly, at Alexander. “Of course it would take a bullet for you to talk to each other.”

“Don’t be mean, Aaron.” Alexander whined. Burr just rolled his eyes and approached Jefferson’s bed.

“Didn’t notice you there.” Jefferson said softly. Burr shrugged.

“People tend not to.”

Jefferson stared at him for a moment. It seemed that being shot gave him a lot of time to find out information about people. He wanted to know.

“Something about you, Burr, just doesn’t make sense.”

“What?” Burr tensed slightly at that but Jefferson ploughed on.

“I read your file.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“You hid your injuries on a frequent basis and when they were discovered you were subtle at it and you were good at lying. I reckon a few times you hurt yourself over the other injuries to made it look normal.”

“That would hardly seem like a sensible thing to do.” Burr was smiling softly and Alexander let out a disbelieving snort.

“Your last foster family was brutal to you. You got to the police with several cracked ribs and evidence of older broken ribs. It looked like at some point they purposefully broke your arm. You even broke your shoulder blade. That’s pretty damn difficult.”

“Is there a question?”

“What did they do to you?”

“You just said what they did.”

“No. I said what you were willing to take. I’ve seen the reports. You weren’t scared when you got to the police station. Not enough that anyone noticed it.”

“People tend to not notice me.”

“What did they do?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“The-” Burr sighed. “They told me what they were going to do when I came of age. They’d force me to give them my trust fund and they would take everything from the Burr name. They would take my legacy.”

“What?”

“My family is old, Jefferson. We have old money but we also have legacies, each and every one of us. My family is dead.” Burr paused after that, trying to school his features into its normal placid state. “I continue that legacy. I’d rather die than let it die.”

“You were willing to let people beat you and nearly kill you but not with stealing your inheritance?”

“Yes. I’m not going to throw away my legacy for a bit of stability.”

“You-” Jefferson scoffed and shook his head. “What?”

“We all have breaking points. I was willing to be hurt but I was not willing for my legacy to be stolen. From what I understand, you were willing to be hurt but not to stand back and let other people be hurt. It’s normal. We just had different breaking points.”

“How the hell is a legacy worth that?”

“I’ll die one day. We all will. When I die everything I was will be passed to my children. Right now I am one of the few people who remember my parents. The things that I own, or will own, recount the stories of a thousand other people. My family is all there, every single piece that I’m missing now are safe in there.” Burr’s eyes seemed to come alight as he rambled and Jefferson just stared in confusion. “I will not be the reason that my legacy can’t succeed. I will do what it takes. All my work, all my life, everything I’ve sacrificed will be useless if my legacy is taken away. It is my family. And-” Burr caught sight of Jefferson’s face and immediately stopped talking. “Sorry.”

“You can actually talk.”

“Of course I can.”

“You don’t.”

“I- I guess not.”

“His foster parents hit him for it.” Alexander supplied. Burr nodded and Jefferson filed the information in the back of his mind.

“How many?”

“I don’t know. Enough. No-one wanted me to talk so I didn’t.”

“No-one wanted to talk to me.” Alexander said softly. He shrugged. “No-one wanted a bisexual, bastard, orphan, whore’s son, immigrant. They got the check and moved on. The money was what they wanted. Never me.”

“They didn’t care about me much.” Jefferson chimed in. He realised that these three were the ones to see the foster system, to know the system, the best. “Mostly the money. The abusive ones liked me. I wouldn’t shout when they hit me because I knew the younger kids would wake up. The good ones, the ones that cared, hated me. Got into too many fights.”

“Defending people’s honour?” Burr asked, with a hint of amusement in his tone. Jefferson smirked back and nodded.

“So,” Alexander started, “wh-what happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I- I’ve been ready to run since my mama died. I don’t really wanna anymore. Don’t wanna leave Yorktown.”

Jefferson stared at Alexander and tried to think of a response. Before he could, Burr butted in.

“Then don’t.”

 

The first night out of the hospital Jefferson couldn’t sleep. In the hospital it had never been dark, not fully. There had been noises and lights. In Yorktown there was nothing.

Nothing to stop him from thinking.

He knew that if George’s escape had continued for another day he’d be dead. The injuries were too much and it was almost a miracle he did survive. He also knew that if he’d arrived where George was taking him then his life would have devolved into some sort of hell he was not prepared for.

Jefferson could cope with the nightmares of being kicked and beaten. He could even just about cope with the nightmares about being shot, it was just a new kind of pain. He couldn’t cope with the nightmares about what else George had done to him.

As the hours ticked on Jefferson didn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling above him. He wasn’t even allowed to sleep on his side or front in fear of aggravating the bullet wound. He couldn’t see the door from where he was and it sent anxiety up his spine every time he remembered that detail. If someone entered the room he wouldn’t be able to see until they’d taken several steps into the room.

After what felt like an eternity Jefferson sat up. Sleep wasn’t coming. He hauled himself to his feet and had to stifle a hiss of pain. After a few seconds of standing he began to limp out of his room, leaning heavily on his crutches. He paused outside his door before knocking on another door.

“James?” Jefferson asked quietly. He heard a half mumble from inside and pushed the door open. James was staring at him, obviously still half asleep.

“Thomas?”

“Yeah. I-” Jefferson paused and shrugged. James rubbed his eyes and shook his head in an attempt to wake himself up faster.

“You okay?”

Jefferson stared at him for a moment. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to go back to his room and sleep, ignore what had happened to him just like he’d done all the other times he’d been hurt badly. He wanted to push forwards with his life, choose something to do that would help someone so he didn’t need to think about how he should be helping himself.

“No.” Jefferson’s voice broke gently and he felt tears well up. “I-I’m not.”

“Okay.” James sat up and pushed the covers away. “Do you want to sit down?” Jefferson paused for a moment. He knew James would never raise a finger against him, probably never could. He didn’t like people touching him anymore, it made his skin crawl and he hated it. He hated how weak he was.

“Thomas?” James prompted. Jefferson blinked and stared at James, having not noticed he’d zoned out.

“What?”

“D-do you want to sit down?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson sat down next to James and clenched his hands. James reached forwards but Jefferson flinched back. James sucked in a breath and stared for a moment. Jefferson avoided his gaze.

“Thomas?”

“Can’t sleep.” Jefferson admitted quietly.

“Nightmares?”

“Nightmares.”

“About him kidnapping you?”

“No.”

“About your old foster homes?”

“No.”

“Your first family?”

“No.”

“The rape.” James didn’t bother pretending to frame it as a question. Jefferson nodded. “Oh.”

“I’m safe. I know that. I- I _know_ that but… I keep on hearing stuff.”

“It’s an old house.”

“But I- I- I wasn’t scared after I killed that man. I haven’t been scared since-”

“You weren’t scared because you didn’t have anything to lose.”

“What?”

“That’s what it sounds like. You had just- just given up. On everything.”

“And now I’ve got stuff to lose.”

“Yeah.” James sighed. “Can I- can I hug you?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson said automatically.

“No I mean- answer it properly, please.”

“What?”

“Do you want me to hug you?”

Jefferson stared at James before he ducked his head. He didn’t want James to hug him, didn’t want to be trapped. Instead he took James’ hand in his, trying to get some modicum of comfort from that simple gesture. James nodded.

“I’m sorry.” Jefferson whispered.

“No. No, come on. Remember what you went through with Maria? With Laf? With me? You’ve never done anything to make us feel scared. I don’t want to do that to you.”

“I’m not- I wasn’t hurt like any of you. It was just-”

“Don’t play pain Olympics.” James muttered.

“What?”

“Just because someone else was hurt more doesn’t mean you weren’t. There are people whose epilepsy isn’t controlled at all by their meds. There are quadriplegics. I can’t let myself dwell on that. I’m sick. You went through trauma, Thomas. Comparing it to theirs won’t help us.”

Jefferson nodded and sniffed. He leant his head against James’ shoulder and sighed.

“I- I knew he was going to do it. I knew. He was leery and he- he liked me and I just let it happen.” Jefferson’s voice was soft and James sighed. “Laf kept on winding him up. He- he had a gun and I knew that if I got him away from Laf they’d be safe.”

“So you let yourself be raped to save Laf?”

“I- it doesn’t feel like rape.” Jefferson whispered. “I didn’t stop it.”

“Did you want it?”

“No.”

“Then it was rape.” James wanted to hug Jefferson but he knew it wasn’t the time.

“I- I know but it doesn’t feel… I don’t know. I was scared. I- I haven’t been scared in so long. Not for me.”

“You’re such an idiot.” James breathed out. Jefferson scoffed.

“You’re meant to be comforting me.”

“I mean- you were kidnapped and shot. That would terrify anyone. You- could you have stopped it?”

“Yeah.” Jefferson took in a deep breath. “If I had- if Laf had carried on baiting him. But they might have been shot. It was just- just better that- that it was me. I didn’t even say no.” Jefferson whispered that last part. “If I- I didn’t say no.”

“I’m so sorry.” James whispered. He squeezed Jefferson’s hand gently.

“If he- if he hadn’t taken me then it would have been Laf.” Jefferson began to sob, heaving sobs that ripped through his body. “I- I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to them. It was better. Better for me to- to- no-one would care. Laf has Herc and-”

“No.” James sighed. “You have me. I was _terrified_. When you called me, I was terrified. I couldn’t sleep until you came home. I care.”

“It hurt.” Jefferson whispered. “It hurt and I- the bullet. It was in me and I couldn’t- I couldn’t make him stop.” Jefferson curled into James as he continued to sob. “I didn’t ask him to. I just let it happen.”

“There wasn’t anything else you could do. The threat of violence is still a threat, it still makes it rape.” James slowly curled a hand around Jefferson’s back. Jefferson paused before he relaxed into it.

“I’m just scared.” Jefferson whispered. “I- I’m scared.”

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t. James pulled Jefferson tighter. “What you did was stupid. So stupid but you saved Laf. You came home.”

“I- was it worth it?”

“I don’t know.” James admitted quietly. “But you’re home, Thomas. We can help you. We can make you better.”

“I’m broken.”

“Yeah. We all are.”

“Thank you.” Jefferson whispered. “Thank you.” Jefferson pulled James close and let him shield him from the world for a few more moments.

“It’s okay. You’re home.”

“I’m home.” Jefferson repeated. For the first time in seven years, the word didn’t taste foreign on his tongue.


	83. Living Is Harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end (for real this time)   
> I cri

In the end Angelica decided King’s College wasn’t for her. New York wasn’t for her. It was too busy, too hot. It felt like expectations and far too much like her father was still watching her.

So, despite her reluctance, she applied for Notre Dame. Thomas, who promised everyone he was mostly recovered, had sworn that he’d come to her rescue if anyone tried to hurt her. She’d brushed him off with an eye roll and a fond look.

On the day of her results Angelica looked halfway to fainting. The rest of Yorktown were gathered around her, trying to comfort her and mostly failing. When she opened the letter she scanned it before she burst into tears.

Eliza grabbed it from her and read through it before throwing herself into Angelica’s arms.

“You did it.” Eliza whispered. Angelica just nodded through her tears.

“I’m going to have to leave you. I- what if you’re in danger?”

Before Jefferson could say anything, Peggy stepped up.

“I’m here. We’re not helpless Angie. We’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’ll look after them.” James added quietly with a smile. Angelica flashed a smile back. “What else are big brothers for?”

That was what pushed Peggy over the edge. She ran to James and nearly knocked him over as she hugged him. She buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed. When James looked up he was crying gently.

“Well done, Angie.” James said softly. “You deserve it.”

 

The summer dragged by too quickly and before they knew it Angelica was spending her last weekend at Yorktown.

The meal was sombre. Hercules ate what he was directed to eat and nothing more while several of them barely touched their meals. Angelica tried to lift the mood but she couldn’t. The mix of terror and exhilaration mixed in her stomach made her want to throw up.

That night when Angelica woke, screaming from a nightmare, Peggy and Eliza were there to comfort her, to promise they’d never be separated not really. Angelica clung to Peggy the tightest and none of them mentioned just how close their youngest member had been to being lost forever.

Angelica had some doubts about what Alexander had written but she knew that no matter what kind of man her father was, she nearly lost Peggy. She cared a hell of a lot more about her sister than her father. That would never change.

The drive to Notre Dame was silent. Somehow Washington had managed to get enough cars together so all of the children could be there to see Angelica’s new home.

When they got to the campus the group began to drift apart into smaller groups. Jefferson and James kept near the car. James was still in his wheelchair and Jefferson didn’t like crowds. He’d stopped visibly flinching from loud noises but was still easily overwhelmed. James was easily exhausted and it made sense for them to hang back. Maria chose to stay with them, mostly so she didn’t have to see Eliza cry.

The sisters and Washington went to Angelica’s room, hauling her stuff up the many flights of stairs. Hercules and Lafayette helped carry the stuff and then decided to walk around campus on their own, hand in hand. It came easily to Hercules now, being able to interlock his fingers with Lafayette. It felt natural. It felt right.

Alexander and John snuck off together. They knew they would be roped into carrying Angelica’s belongings and so as soon as the car stopped they left, wandering across the campus.

They eventually came to a stop at a bench underneath a tree with blossom falling around it. Alexander stared up at it in confusion.

“Why’s it still in blossom?”

“What?”

“I mean, it’s months later than it should be. It should be in fruit by now. If it’s still blossoming then it probably means that there’s something really wrong with the tree and it might not survive much longer. That, or it’s a genetic fault and-”

“Shut up.” John muttered, kicking Alexander gently. Alexander turned to him with an expression of false hurt.

“That was rude.”

“Want me to kiss it better?” John asked sarcastically. There was a beat of silence there before Alexander looked away. They hadn’t done anything since the night Jefferson and Lafayette had been kidnapped. They hadn’t even broached the subject.

“We need to talk about it.” Alexander muttered. John sighed.

“Do we?”

“Yeah. I like you, John. I really like you. I want to date you. I know where I stand. Do you?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Alexander said, leaning closer. As he did one of the blossoms fell into his hair and John stared at it as a memory came back.

“There was this boy once. The first boy I ever kissed.” John murmured. Alexander frowned and leant back. He went to say something before John overrode him. John needed to say this more. “He had this fire that I- I loved him, Alexander. I loved him and I couldn’t help him after I-”

“After?” Alexander felt like his heart was in his throat as blurry memories began to return. The boy with the brown hair and the innocent eyes. Freckles dusted across his nose and cheeks, too many to count.

“I kissed him under a tree. Like this one.” John looked up to see the blossoms trickling down. Alexander felt a smile spread across his face. “It was- I loved him, Alexander and I never saw him again. I hurt him. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“What do you think happened to him?”

“I- I don’t know. This was back in South Carolina, back when I was a kid. It was so long ago but I-I hope he’s happy now.”

“I think he is. Happy, I mean.”

“How would you know? You never-”

“Because once upon a time I was staying with a foster family in South Carolina.” John frowned at that but Alexander carried on. “And there was a boy in my class. He had dark brown hair,” As he spoke Alexander gently raised his hand to John’s head, brushing away a few petals. John was just staring at him. Before Alexander continued he let his hand drift down John’s face until he was cradling one side of his face, his thumb carefully traced across John’s cheek. “He had these eyes I’ve never forgotten. It was as if he saw who I really was. He didn’t see the immigrant, he didn’t see the bastard, he saw me. And for some unfathomable reason he thought that was enough. He saw me and he saw enough.”

“Alexander-” John choked out.

“Please, let me finish.” Alexander paused for John to nod. “This boy was so innocent. He’d never seen the things I had and I never wanted him to. I wanted to protect him and I always thought I’d failed in that.”

“You didn’t.” John’s voice wavered. “Alexander-”

“They beat me that night. My foster family. They- they beat me again and sent me back to the care home.”

“My dad hit me. I- I shouldn’t’ve-”

“I kissed you, remember?”

“But-”

“You did save me.” Alexander grasped John’s hands, gently tugging the boy to face him fully. “You- you taught me that I’m enough. You taught me that I’m more than enough. You let me trust. John, I-”

“What?”

“I think I love you.” Alexander smiled sheepishly before shrugging. “I think I have for a really, really long time.”

“Alexander…”

Alexander looked up, biting his lip gently and John laughed gently.

“You’re an idiot.” John replied fondly before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on Alexander’s lips. When he pulled back Alexander was staring at him, blinking in confusion. “I love you too.”

“Oh, thank fuck!” Alexander leapt forwards, one hand snaking around John’s neck and pulling the boy closer.

The blossom continued to fall around them, covering their dark hair with the pale blossom, imitating the white hair they’d share for their last kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Fanart from my lovely readers  
> [ Hamilton- Voiceless Symphonies](https://astar1234.deviantart.com/art/Hamilton-Voiceless-Symphonies-Sketch-711011313) by [ Astar1234 ](https://astar1234.deviantart.com/)  
> [ Alexander ](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Hamilton-petit-lion-725421231<</a>%20by%20</a><a%20href=)by [ kyijara](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/)  
> [ Laurens ](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Laurens-726267095) by [ kyijara](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/)  
> [ Hercules ](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Hercules-726266717) by [ kyijara](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/)  
> [ Lafayette ](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Lafayette-726266368) by [ kyijara](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/)
> 
> Equally lovely fanart but spoilery (do not open until chapter 81)  
> [ Sept Huit Neuf](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/art/Sept-Huit-Neuf-Sept-Huit-726267594) by [ kyijara](https://kyijara.deviantart.com/)  
> [ It's Okay ](http://blazingstarininkyblackness.tumblr.com/post/169900543651/im-usually-a-lot-better-at-drawing-i-swear) by [ squigglygay ](https://squigglygay.tumblr.com/)  
> [ It is okay ](https://ndidithefirst.tumblr.com/post/169722848392/for-blazingstarininkyblackness-because-your) by [ ndidithefirst ](https://ndidithefirst.tumblr.com/)  
> [ It's Okay ](https://kori-n-me.tumblr.com/post/169896089640/fanart-for-voiceless-symphonies-for#<</a)by[ korichan ](https://kori-n-me.tumblr.com/)


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